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Sunday February 19 2017

Bill Gates Warns Bioterrorism Could Kill More Than Nuclear War

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Feb. 18, 2017

Bill Gates Warns Bioterrorism Could Kill More Than Nuclear War:  In a recent conference, Bill Gates warned world leaders that a genetically engineered virus is easier to make and could kill more people than nuclear weapons – and yet no country on Earth is ready for the threat.  While acknowledging the seriousness of the threat, health officials say the virus is not expected to affect Mac users.


Scientists Discover Lost Continent of Zealandia Under New Zealand:  A lost continent dubbed Zealandia, which submerged beneath the South Pacific 100 million years ago, has been discovered underneath New Zealand.  When contacted about the matter, Ben Stiller said he has no plans to make a movie about it at this time.


Rumor the German Shepherd Wins Westminster Dog Show:  A German shepherd named Rumor has been declared best-in-show at this year’s Westminster Dog Show at Madison Square Garden.  Judges say they had a firm commitment from the dog’s handlers that should it win, it would not invade Poland.

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Report Says 56,000 US Bridges Are Structurally Unsound

Feb. 17, 2017

Report Says 56,000 US Bridges Are Structurally Unsound:  A new survey found that nearly 56,000 bridges across the nation are “structurally deficient” and need replaced.  I’m doing my part, next Monday I’m having my dentist replace a bridge in my upper right jaw that’s over 15 years old.


Life Forms 50,000 Years Old Found in Mexican Caves:  Scientists have what they describe as ancient microbial life forms trapped in crystals inside a Mexican cave that are thought to be 50,000 years old.  During his latest press conference, President Trump told reporters he is aware of the microbes discovery and promised to do everything in his power as president to prevent them from entering the country illegally.


Russian Family Criticized for Getting Pet Dog Plastic Surgery:  A Russian family is being slammed after paying to get their dog plastic surgery so it would look more like the dog in the Jim Carrey film “The Mask.”   I suppose about the only positive thing you can say about this situation is that at least the family didn’t insist that their poor dog look like Putin.

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Scientists Close to Cloning a Woolly Mammoth

Feb. 16, 2017

Scientists Close to Cloning a Woolly Mammoth:  Scientists say gene editing technology like CRISPR may soon open up a shortcut to resurrecting the woolly mammoth, but some argue doing so could be both risky and unethical.


My feeling is why bother bringing them back, it isn’t like we really need the wool.  Hell, I was just over at Nordstrom last weekend and they seemed to have plenty of sweaters.  Call me old fashioned, but its a hell of a lot easier counting sheep than wooly mammoths.  Don’t try and pull the wool over my eyes.  And mark my words, bring back these damn mammoths and the next thing you know, you’ll have all the mammoths and elephants body-shaming each other.


Meanwhile, others argue if we start bringing back things like woolly mammoths, can cave men be far behind?  Not a great idea.  Has anyone thought this through?  First of all, do we even have enough caves to accommodate them?


What are we supposed to do, put them up in town houses until we can find enough vacant caves?  You’re not gonna find those listed on Craig’s List my friend!  Good grief, let them occupy all the caves and before long you’ll price all the mountain lions out of the market.


And it isn’t like these guys will be able to just head over to Sears for all their stone tool needs.  That means we’ll probably need to offer toolmaking classes at our community colleges.  And who’s supposed to pay for all those painting supplies they use to decorate their caves?  Taxpayers?  If we spend all our money on cave art, how we gonna pay for Trump’s wall?  Oh wait, I forgot – Mexico.

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Lindsay Lohan Says We Need to Support Trump

Feb. 15, 2017

Lindsay Lohan Says We Need to Support Trump:  In an interview with the Daily Mail, Lindsay Lohan says she thinks its about time for people to support President Trump.  You know, when you think about all the craziness out there such as a world full of alternative facts, the hundreds of millions of illegal aliens who voted for Hillary Clinton and the horrific Bowling Green Massacre, its refreshing to hear the voices of sanity like Lindsay Lohan, Charlie Sheen, Gary Busey, Stephen Baldwin and Dennis Rodman – reminding us about how important it is that we support our president.


Crocodile Bites Off Part of Man’s Testicle:  A 70-year-old man from Zimbabwe narrowly escaped a crocodile attack as he crossed the Chivake River with his pants off – but he lost part of his testicle in the melee.  Crossing a crocodile-infested river with no pants on?  That really took some balls to do that!


Melania Trump Reportedly Unhappy with New Role as First Lady:  Its being reported that First Lady Melania Trump is extremely unhappy with the turn her life has taken since her husband was elected President of the United States.  On a positive note, its beginning to appear she may not have to put up with this misery very much longer.  Till then, she has access to all the Trump Vodka she wants.

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Florida Deputies Say 450-Pound Man Hid Pot Under Fat Rolls

Feb. 14, 2017

Florida Deputies Say 450-Pound Man Hid Pot Under Fat Rolls:  Florida deputies pulled over a 450-pound man for a seat-belt violation only to discover that the man was hiding a large stash of marijuana underneath a huge roll of stomach fat.  His lawyer vows to fight the charges, claiming there’s nothing illegal about having a “pot belly.”


Dead Shark Found on NYC Subway:  Riders found a dead shark on the New York City N train, leaving officials to ponder just how a shark could have gotten on a NYC subway train.  While authorities have yet to identify what type of shark it was – but because its New York City – there’s speculation that it may have been a “loan shark.”


North Korean Leader’s Half Brother Poisoned in Malaysia:  Kim Jong Nam, the estranged half brother of North Korean leader Kim Jong Un, was killed at Kuala Lumpur International Airport after reportedly being pricked with poisoned needles by two female agents – who then escaped by taxi.  Assassinated by two women?  Good grief, they sure have an interesting way of celebrating Valentine’s Day in North Korea.  In related news, E! Online just announced “Keeping Up with the Kim Jongs” will lead-off its fall programming.  Too soon?

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Wife and Stepson Held in KKK Wizard’s Murder

Feb. 13, 2017

Wife and Stepson Held in KKK Wizard’s Murder:  The wife of Missouri KKK leader Frank Ancona, who married him in full Klan costume, has been arrested for his murder.  She claims she doesn’t remember anything as she had been drinking and was “two sheets” to the wind.


Massive Supernova Visible From Millions of Light Years Away:  In astronomy news, scientists on Palomar Mountain have captured the early death of a massive star that was torn apart in a violent explosion which actually took place 160 million years ago.  My question is, if it happened 160 million years ago, how can it be considered news?  Does CNN have someone posted 160 million light years away reporting on this stuff?  And while some are concerned about radiation from the gamma bursts, I know I’ll be just fine – I’m posting this from under my duvet.


Playboy Returns to Nudity in March/April 2017 Issue:  After dropping its nude pictorials back in 2015, the men’s lifestyle magazine is bringing them back in its March/April 2017 issue featuring topless Playmate Elizabeth Elam as Miss March 2017 – along with the headline “Naked is normal.”  Guess someone finally figured out that no one actually READS Playboy magazine.  All part of the “Make America Great Again” plan I suppose.  Now, everyone can cancel their National Geographic subscriptions again.  On a positive note, thank God there’s still no nudity in Oprah and Gwyneth Paltrow’s magazines.

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