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Friday December 02 2016

Howard Schultz Stepping Down as Starbucks CEO

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Dec. 01, 2016


Howard Schultz Stepping Down as Starbucks CEO:  Howard Schultz announced he will be stepping down as chief executive of Starbucks Corp to devote his time to developing a new high-end coffee shop for the coffeehouse chain.  Schultz says the high-end coffee shops will be targeting those folks who feel strongly that dropping five or six bucks for a cup of coffee just isn’t enough.


kanye-westKanye West Released From Hospital:  Its being reported that rapper Kanye West has been released from UCLA Medical Center, after spending several days hospitalized from exhaustion.  Meanwhile, scores of people across the country are reporting feelings of exhaustion from the endless bombardment of stories about Kanye and the Kardashians.


five-pound-notesVegans Furious About Beef Fat in New £5 Notes:  Many vegans and members of several faith groups are expressing outrage after the Bank of England issued new £5 notes which contain traces of beef fat.  And while this may seem harmless enough, its being reported that some of the notes are being spent at vegetarian restaurants.  Meanwhile, bank officials are advising anyone who has a beef with the new £5 notes to spend them instead of eating them.

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Air-Conditioner Maker Carrier Will Not Send Jobs to Mexico

Nov. 30, 2016

carrierAir-Conditioner Maker Carrier Will Not Send Jobs to Mexico:  Donald Trump has reportedly made a deal with air-conditioner manufacturer Carrier not to close two factories in Mike Pence’s home state of Indiana, preventing 1000 jobs from going to Mexico.  Good thing too, because with Donald Trump the only person standing between us and global warming, we’re definitely gonna need those air-conditioners.


civil-war-deathsNew Estimates Raise Civil War Death Toll:  A researcher at Binghamton University in New York has determined that Civil War casualties were 20 percent higher than what had been the official number for at least 110 years.  Fine, but I assume its a bit late to notify the families.


donald-and-mittMitt Romney Praises Trump After NY Dinner:  Characterizing their New York dinner of carefully prepared frog legs “a wonderful evening,” Mitt Romney generously praised the man he once called a phony and a fraud, saying he has “increasing hope” that Donald Trump can lead the country to a “better future.”  I’m guessing that means Trump must have picked up the check.  And when the waiter asked Romney what he’ll be having, he said “I’ll be eating Crow.”

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Squirrel With Plague Detected In California Campground

Nov. 29, 2016

squirrelSquirrel With Plague Detected In California Campground:  According to a public health advisory, a ground squirrel found in a Los Angeles-area campground has tested positive for plague, causing authorities to shut down part of the Angeles National Forest for at least a week.  In an angry late night tweet, President-elect Donald Trump promised that as soon as he takes office, he plans to look into revoking squirrel camping privileges in all of our nation’s National Parks.


hawkingHawking Issues Another Warning to Humanity:  Fresh from warning us about the dangers of contacting ET, renowned theoretical physicist Stephen Hawking is now appearing in an anti-obesity campaign ad for a Swedish non-profit, cautioning everyone that obesity is one of the most serious public health problems of the 21st century.  One thing’s for sure, when that Stephen Hawking workout video comes out, that should bring a lot of attention for the cause.


speed-of-lightTheory Challenging Einstein’s Speed to Be Tested:  A new paper describes for the first time how scientists can test a controversial idea that speed of light is not a constant as Einstein claimed.  Fine, test anything you want, but just don’t screw up my GPS.  I have to be somewhere tomorrow afternoon.

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CVS Employees Call Cops On Black Men Asking To Buy Cheese

Nov. 28, 2016

cvs-cheeseCVS Employees Call Cops On Black Men Asking To Buy Cheese:  CVS has apologized after employees in Carytown, Virginia called police after two black men entered the store and asked them if they sold sliced cheese.


Employees defended their actions by saying those two guys were asking for it – yea, they were asking for sliced cheese.  Cheez Whiz, sounds like those employees didn’t know Jack about cheese.  No matter how you slice it, this sounds like some cheesy conspiracy to me.


And, while I feel sorry for those two customers, I’ve gotta be honest here – I’m kind of scared of being around people who eat a lot of cheese myself.  Besides, you never know what someone will do when you tell them you have no Kraft singles.

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Trump Claims Serious Voter Fraud in Three States

Nov. 27, 2016

donald-trumpTrump Claims Serious Voter Fraud in Three States:  Even though he has no evidence, President-elect Donald Trump is now claiming he actually won the popular vote, because there was “serious voter fraud” in Virginia, New Hampshire and California.  And really, who better to identify fraud than the man who just signed-off on a $25 million fraud charge against his Trump University?


ERJ-175LR  N404YX  msn367  DCA  4/10/14  Opb Republic AirlinesDrunk American Eagle Pilot Arrested Before Takeoff:  An American Eagle pilot preparing for liftoff was arrested after witnesses found the pilot to be smelling of alcohol before getting on his plane at Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport.  The pilot defended his actions, claiming he only takes a quick drink just to calm his nerves because he’s afraid of heights.


narendra-modiIndia’s Prime Minister Defends a Cashless Society:  Prime Minister Narendra Modi defended his government’s controversial move to “demonetize” India by going totally digital, saying a cashless society would help protect the poor and middle class.  What’s the big controversy?  Hell, if its anything like here in the US, the poor and middle classes have been essentially cashless for a long time now anyway.

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New Millipede Found Inside California Cave

Nov. 26, 2016


New Millipede Found Inside California Cave:  Scientists say they’ve discovered a rare new species of millipede in a marble cave in California’s Sequoia National Park, and the critter has an astounding 414 legs.  When questioned how the millipede could have gotten into the cave in the first place, researchers say they can think of hundreds of ways that could have happened.



Hawking Warns Against Contacting ET’s:  Though he’s deeply involved in a project to find out if there are alien beings out there, noted theoretical physicist Stephen Hawking warns that even if we do find an ET, we shouldn’t attempt to talk to it.  Others argue that if we do come in contact with aliens, we should try and settle them in and around the greater Cleveland area.  After all, what’s the worst damage they could do there?


bei-beiPanda Cub at Washington Zoo Recovering After Surgery:  Officials say giant panda cub Bei Bei, who is a star attraction at the Smithsonian’s National Zoo, is expected to fully recover after emergency surgery for a bowel obstruction caused by a mass of bamboo lodged in his digestive tract.  A Trump spokesperson warns they expect to see many more panda bowel obstructions as the Obama administration does whatever it can to distract us during the final days of its administration.

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