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Wednesday April 16 2014

Vandals Flipping Over Smart Cars in San Francisco

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Apr. 15, 2014

Smart CarVandals Flipping Over Smart Cars in San Francisco:  San Francisco police are searching for suspects after at least four Smart Cars were flipped over during a wave of vandalism in that city.  Local residents say it is their sincere hope that whomever is doing this vandalism will see the error of their ways and turn over a new LEAF.


CannibalTwo Men Arrested for Cannibalism:  Two brothers in Pakistan who were previously jailed for cannibalism and grave-robbing have been arrested once again after authorities found an infant’s severed head in their home.  Now I realize global beef prices are going through the roof, but it seems like there has to be better alternative.  


US AirwaysUS Airways Apologizes for Porn Image Tweet:  US Airways issued an apology immediately after it mistakenly tweeted photograph of a naked woman lying on a bed with a toy airplane between her legs in response to a customer complaint about a flight delay.  On a positive note, sounds like the plane landed in the one place where most flyers wouldn’t object to a long layover.

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Human Head Found Near Hollywood Sign

Apr. 14, 2014

Hollywood SignHuman Head Found Near Hollywood Sign:  The LAPD is reporting that a human head has been found in a bag on  a hiking trail near the famous Hollywood sign.  Police suspect it may have been left there by yet another person trying to get a head in Hollywood.


PotCountry With Most Pot Smokers:  A recent survey determined that Australia and New Zealand have the most pot smokers, where up to 15% of residents between the ages of 15 and 64 used marijuana in 2009. In related news, its being reported that Willie Nelson and Woody Harrelson have been spotted looking at houses in Australia or New Zealand. 


Gabrielle UnionTSA’s Detain Actress Over Hairpiece:  Actress Gabrielle Union was stopped by airport security officials when her hairpiece caught the eye of TSA agents, who thought Ms Union might have been hiding something in her hair weave.  Guess that pretty much explains why Donald Trump only flies on private jets. 

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Kentucky Florist Selling Kentucky Fried Chicken Prom Corsages

Apr. 13, 2014

KFC Chicken CorsageKentucky Florist Selling Kentucky Fried Chicken Prom Corsages:  Just in time for the class of 2014, a Louisville, Kentucky florist is selling prom corsages with a piece of Kentucky Fried Chicken embedded within the floral arrangement for just $20.  I’m guessing these are geared toward kids who want to turn their prom night into kind of a Tim Burton film.  For safety sake, school officials are asking those who choose fried chicken corsages to make certain to only select a boneless chicken corsage.    


PepsiChicago Man Pulls Gun Over 22-Cent Sales Tax Dispute:  A Chicago man is under arrest after pulling a submachine gun on store owners after he became upset at having to pay 22-cents sales tax on his purchase of a two-liter bottle of Pepsi.  Now I’m no legal expert, but I suspect there’s a good chance his legal bills just might exceed those 22-cents.


Bear AttackFlorida Woman Recovering From Bear Attack:  Sheriff’s deputies report that a Florida woman is recovering after being attacked and dragged by a family of bears who ambled into her open garage and sifted through her garbage cans in search of food.  Some are saying the bears only left the woods after they ran out of toilet paper.  And at least these bears tackle, unlike the ones in Chicago.  They obviously are smarter than the average bear, but hey, this is no time for jokes, the woman “bearly” survived.  Guess she’ll just have to grin and bear it.

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CDC To Investigate More Cruise Ship Sickness Outbreaks

Apr. 12, 2014

Cruise ShipCDC To Investigate More Cruise Ship Sickness Outbreaks:  In yet another blow to the industry, the CDC plans to send investigators to discover why over 300 people on three cruise ships come down with vomiting and diarrhea in just one week.  Its become so bad, that about the only people interested in cruises these days are anorexics and bulimics.  


Joe BidenJoe Biden to Travel to the Ukraine:  The White House announced  thatVice President Joe Biden will be traveling to Ukraine to stress US support for Kiev amid a crisis with neighboring Russia.  If they’re sending Biden, the State Department must have determined that what the people of the Ukraine need most is a good laugh.


Finger GunRobber Laughed Out of Hair Salon:  A 29-year-old man from Baltimore was arrested after attempting to rob a hair salon in Annapolis, Maryland when the receptionist noticed that his “gun” looked suspiciously like fingers, causing her to laugh uncontrollably until he gave up and left.  Police say when they confronted the suspect, he gave them the finger without incident.

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Survey Probes Popularity of Porn

Apr. 11, 2014

PornSurvey Probes Popularity of Porn:  A new survey by Cosmopolitan Magazine found that over 30% of men say they watch porn every day and a whopping 71% say they watch porn at least once a month.  Good grief, if you want to watch gorgeous women using really nasty language, why not just turn on Fox News when they’re discussing Obamacare? 


Chimps Escape KC ZooChimps Escape at Kansas City Zoo:  A Kansas City Zoo official says they have been on lockdown since seven chimpanzees used an improvised ladder from a tree to scale a wall and briefly escape their enclosure.  Zoo officials have reportedly offered the chimps a chance to negotiate a return by meeting somewhere over a banana split.


Handout photo of Dr Yuanyuan Zhang demonstrating the process to engineer a vaginal organScientists Grow Viable Lab-Grown Vaginas:  In the latest success creating replacement organs, scientists report that lab-grown vaginas, made from a woman’s own cells, have been successfully transplanted into four females.  Of course, there’s always going to be those who still prefer free-range over lab-grown vaginas.  And just think, if they could somehow find a way to harvest lab-grown @$$ holes, we could possibly replace the entire House of Representatives.

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Woman Arrested After Throwing Shoe At Hillary in Las Vegas

Apr. 10, 2014

Hillary Ducks ShoeWoman Arrested After Throwing Shoe At Hillary in Las Vegas:  A woman was taken into federal custody after throwing her shoe at Hillary Clinton as the former Secretary of State began a Las Vegas convention keynote speech.  Fortunately, all the Secret Service agents who were still reasonably sober immediately seized the shoe and wrestled it right to the ground.  Analysts say this could pretty much make Hillary a shoe-in in next election.


Topless McDonald's RantFlorida Woman Arrested in Topless Rampage at McDonald’s:  A bare-breasted woman wearing only bikini bottoms entered a Florida McDonald’s and when an employee asked her to put on some clothes, she refused and began overturning the restaurant equipment.  Witnesses say it was pretty obvious that the woman had something she wanted to get off her chest.


Bad PotTexas Woman Arrested After Telling Police She was Sold Bad Pot:  Police have arrested a Texas woman who complained to them that a drug dealer sold her a bad batch of marijuana and then refused to give her a refund.  Yet another example of why its so important to keep your receipts.

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