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Wednesday April 23 2014

Man Facing Murder Charges Wants His “MURDER” Tattoo Removed

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Apr. 22, 2014

Muder TattooMan Facing Murder Charges Wants His “MURDER” Tattoo Removed:   A Kansas man facing first-degree murder charges is trying to convince the state to bring in a tattoo artist to obscure or remove a giant “MURDER” tattoo he has on his neck before the trial begins, fearing it could prejudice his case.  Good idea!  I mean at the very least, I’d try and change the tattoo to read “MANSLAUGHTER!”

Racist Eggs FoundsWhite Supremacists Plant Racist Easter Eggs:  Parents in Henrico County, Va. report finding Easter Eggs with racist white supremacist messages on them while on a local Easter Egg hunt with their children.  Guess its safe to assume that the eggs were not “colored eggs.”

Norton Arbelaez, Fernando Belaunzaran, Terry NelsonChris Christie Says No to Pot Legalization:  New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie said that marijuana legalization would not happen while he is still in office because New Jersey does not want the Colorado “quality of life” in New Jersey.  Yea, well I’m pretty sure a lot of people in New Jersey don’t want New Jersey’s “quality of life.”  All I know is, I don’t wanna be anywhere close if Chris Christie ever got a serious case of the munchies.

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No Charges for Teen Airline Stowaway to Hawaii

Apr. 21, 2014

Teen StowawayNo Charges for Teen Airline Stowaway to Hawaii:  The FBI says it will not prosecute a runaway teen who survived freezing temperatures and extremely thin air during a 5.5 hour flight to Hawaii after crawling into the wheel compartment of a Hawaiian Airlines jet.  The frazzled teen told police that about the only positive thing about his flight was at least he had more leg room than he would have had flying coach.

 

National ZooTwo Men Shot at National Zoo:  Two men have been shot and injured just outside the National Zoo in Washington D.C., causing the zoo to be shut down.  Geez, its like a jungle out there at the zoo.

 

Smartphone TheftSmartphone Thefts Doubled Last Year:  New data is showing that smartphone thefts nearly doubled last year and will probably get even worse in the immediate future.  Given that, it sounds as if someone would almost have to be stupid to be a smartphone.  Think I’ll buy a much dumber phone next time.

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Surgeons Find 12 Gold Bars in Man’s Stomach

Apr. 20, 2014

Gold BarsSurgeons Find 12 Gold Bars in Man’s Stomach:  A 63-year-old Indian businessman who was having stomach trouble and difficulty going to the bathroom told his doctors he’d swallowed a water bottle cap out of anger after arguing with his wife, but surgery to remove the bottle cap instead revealed 12 small bars of gold, weighing nearly a pound and worth approximately $23,000.  Well, I’ve always heard its good to eat plenty of carats.  Talk about shitting bricks.

 

Miley CyrusMiley Cyrus’ Hospitalization Cancels Another Concert:  Miley Cyrus has had to cancel a second concert after being hospitalized for a severe allergic reaction to an antibiotic.  Miley Cyrus on antibiotics?  If I were that wrecking ball, I’d be getting myself checked out.  Meanwhile, some are questioning whether there could really be a cardiac issue, because her family has a history of Achy Breaky Hearts.

 

PutinUkrainian Prime Minister Thinks Putin Would Restore Soviet Union:  Ukrainian Prime Minister Arseniy Yatsenyuk said he believes Russian President Vladimir Putin “has a dream to restore the Soviet Union” — and Putin realizing that dream would be disastrous for the rest of the world.  This has caused some in the medical community to wonder if Ukrainians may actually be “Putin intolerant.”

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Creationist Says Dinosaurs Were on Noah’s Ark

Apr. 19, 2014

Jurassic ParkCreationist Says Dinosaurs Were on Noah’s Ark:  Noted creationist Carl Kerby claims that dinosaurs did accompany Noah on his Ark as the entire world was flooded, but just the younger ones.  If that’s the case, it makes you wonder why Noah didn’t name the boat “Jurassic Ark.”

 

Lock Ness MonsterNessie Fans Claim Image on Apple Maps is Loch Ness Monster:  Loch Ness monster experts are all a-flurry that they might have located the mysterious Loch Ness monster through an image on Apple Maps which, when zoomed in very tightly, reveals a gargantuan shape with fins swimming in Loch Ness.  Hell, if they’re relying on Apple Maps, the beast could just as easy be located somewhere close to Cleveland.

MosKaAustralian Energy Drink MosKa Found to Contain Levitra:  An Australian energy drink that claimed to naturally increase sexual performance, has just been banned in its home country after it was found to contain the erectile dysfunction drug Levitra.  One thing’s for sure, if it contains Levitra, I’m guessing they shouldn’t be marketing this as a “soft drink.”   

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Michigan City Hunting Vandal Pooping on Playgrounds

Apr. 18, 2014

Pooper BillboardMichigan City Hunting Vandal Pooping on Playgrounds:  Residents of one Michigan city are pulling out all the stops to catch a serial pooper who has been despoiling local playground’s sliding boards, even putting up a billboard in an attempt to bring the fecal fiend to justice.  Police have interviewed three suspects, but are focusing on number 2, who’s also considered a “party pooper.”  

 

Home GroceryHome Grocery Deliveries Taking Off:  Trade publications are reporting that companies offering home grocery deliveries, once big money losers, are now catching on and beginning to show a profit across the country.  Apparently, laziness is now a growth industry in America.  Heaven forbid someone had to get up off the couch and head over to the market to pick up a quart of milk for themselves. 

 

Easter EggsWoman Finds Dead Body During Easter Egg Hunt:  A Tennessee woman made a grisly discovery while hunting for Easter eggs in her back yard with her 3-year-old son when she noticed tennis shoes in the crawl space under her deck and realized it was a dead body.  Now I’m not especially religious, but I would assume any time you find a dead body found around Easter, it might be a good idea to wait three days before burying it.  Police say no one has been charged, but the Easter Bunny is being questioned.

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German Shepherd Gets Jury Summons in New Jersey

Apr. 17, 2014

Dog Juror 1German Shepherd Gets Jury Summons in New Jersey:  Court officials in New Jersey’s Cumberland County are blaming a computer glitch for a summons that called a 5-year-old German Shepherd to report for jury duty.  Guess this is what passes for a just of your peers in New Jersey.  Critics are warning about the possibility of jury tampering, pointing out how easy it would be to get this juror to sit, shake hands and then roll over, but the judge promised to keep the jury on a short leash and, if necessary, put a tail on the jurors.  After the trail, the dog was awarded “Best in Court.”

 

Earth-Like PlanetNew Earth-Like Planet Found:  For the first time in history, scientists say they’ve found a planet like Earth, which is made up of the same materials as Earth (iron, rock, ice, and water) and is located in the same “Goldilocks Zone” of a star that allows for liquid water and potentially life.  Scientists caution that just because the planet is located in the Goldilocks Zone, there’s very little chance that we’ll find bear families who’ve left out porridge for weary space travelers. 

 

SnakesHigh School Closed Due To Onslaught Of Snakes:  The Russian news agency Interfax is reporting that classes at a high school in southern Kyrgyzstan had to be suspended due to an infestation of snakes.  Wonder just how many snake days are built into the school calendar?  School officials say its unlikely the school can be reopened until Samuel L. Jackson is able to clear his schedule.

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