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Monday August 29 2016

Maine Gov LePage Leaves Profane Voicemail

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Aug. 28, 2016

Gov LePageMaine Gov LePage Leaves Profane Voicemail:  Maine’s controversial Republican governor Paul LePage left a long string of profanities on the voicemail of Democratic Rep. Drew Gattine after Gattine implied that LePage’s comments, which laid all the blame for illegal drugs in the state of Maine on black people, was racist.  Coming to his defense, supporters of the governor say he was a committed racist long before Donald Trump made it cool again.

 

Jim BakkerJim Bakker Claims People Out to Kill Him Because He Believes Bible:  Televangelist Jim Bakker recently told his audience that people are trying to kill him because he believes in the Bible.  Gee, I think you may have that backwards Jim, I believe its you who’ve been making a killing off the Bible.

 

Alien TransmissionRadio Signal Traced to Sunlike Star Sparks Interest:  While not saying it’s aliens, SETI researchers say an intriguing radio signal traced to a sunlike star has sparked the interests of scientists.  After researchers admitted they couldn’t decipher what the transmissions meant, a group of angry Trump supporters demanded that scientists “tell them to speak English damn it!”

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Coast Guard Spots SOS in Sand and Rescues Stranded Couple

Aug. 27, 2016

Deserted IslandCoast Guard Spots SOS in Sand and Rescues Stranded Couple:  The U.S. Coast Guard reports it has rescued a couple who were stranded on an uninhabited island in Micronesia after crews saw the giant “SOS” they scribbled in the sand.  Well one thing’s for sure, they can now cross “stranded on a deserted island” off their bucket list.

 

Christian WarriorChristian Warrior Makes YouTube Threats Against LGBT:  A Las Vegas conspiracy theorist calling himself a “Christian Warrior,” has been taken into custody and charged with making terrorist threats after posting a disturbing YouTube video holding a military grade, semi-automatic assault weapon and threatening to slaughter “gays, faggots, lesbians and satanists.”  Good grief, as if Trump hadn’t already had a bad enough week, now yet another supporter just became ineligible to vote.  This election must be rigged.  And once again, we have Obama refusing to use the term “radical Christian terrorist.”

 

Donald TrumpStudy Finds Trump Supporters Frequently Think About Death:  A new study found that the more people think about death – the more likely they’ll be voting for Trump.  On the other hand, the more I think about the possibility Trump might actually get elected, the more I think death might not be so bad after all.

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Usain Bolt Brought 10 Women Up to His London Hotel Room

Aug. 26, 2016

Bolt's GirlsUsain Bolt Brought 10 Women Up to His London Hotel Room:  People Magazine is reporting that Olympic gold medal sprinter Usain Bolt – considered to be the fastest man in the world – brought as many as ten women back to his London hotel room in just two nights this past week.

 

Ten women in two nights?  Guess he really is the fastest man in the world!  I mean after ten women, I’d have to say he’s not only a great sprinter, but also a pretty damn good marathoner.  This could very well turn out to be another Olympic record for him.  Of course, its important to remember that Bolt is a guy who usually finishes in under 10 seconds.  In fact, some women claim that after he has sex, he bolts on them.

 

Anyway, so you’re telling me a wealthy, world famous athlete is a womanizer?  Say it isn’t so!  That said, bringing all those women up to his room makes good economic sense when you consider his room charges were based upon double occupancy.  Besides, there’s no point in letting all those condoms Olympic officials pass out to the athletes go to waste.  One thing’s for sure, after an escapade like this, he’s definitely got the endorsement deal for Trojans pretty much sewn-up.

 

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Trump Calls Hillary Clinton a Bigot

Aug. 25, 2016

Clinton and TrumpTrump Calls Hillary Clinton a Bigot:  Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told followers at a rally in Mississippi that Hillary Clinton is a “bigot who only sees people of color as votes, not as human beings.”  I can’t believe Trump would call Clinton a bigot in a place like Mississippi.  What was he trying to do, drum-up more votes for her?  Anyway, who better to warn people of color about Clinton’s bigotry than a shady, New York developer who was twice sued by the DOJ for racial housing discrimination?

 

Cool WheelchairStudy Finds Older People Are Happier:  Despite the physical ravages of age, new research from the University of California found that older people are much happier than younger adults.  Call me crazy, but who wouldn’t be happy spending some of that wad of cash you made as a Walmart Greeter on one of those senior discount dinners at Denny’s?

 

ChurchConnecticut Pastor Dies After Confessing Infidelity:  A pastor for a Bridgeport, Connecticut church died of an apparent heart attack shortly after confessing to his congregation that he had committed an act of infidelity.  Now that’s what I call “drop-dead honesty.”

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Earth-Like Planet Discovered Close to Our Solar System

Aug. 24, 2016

Close Planet

Earth-Like Planet Discovered Close to Our Solar System:  In an article published by Nature World News, researchers announced the discovery of a new unnamed rocky “Earth-like” planet orbiting our nearest star Proxima Centauri, 4.25 light-years away from Earth.  The question we must now ask ourselves as a civilization is whether or not we will be able to reach that planet by the time Keith Richards has smoked his last cigarette.  At current rocket speeds, its estimated that we wouldn’t arrive there till about 9076.  Many scientists believe Keith Richards could be long dead by then.

 

Donlad TrumpTrump Used Campaign Donations to Buy $55,000 of His Own Book:  Experts say Donald Trump may have broken the law when used his campaign funds to buy thousands of copies of his own book at retail cost, simultaneously diverting donor money back into his pockets while artificially boosting his sales figures.  Its stunts like this that make me think how ridiculous those people are who compare Trump to Adolf Hitler – let’s get serious folks – Hitler wrote his own book.

 

Kokomo StarbucksIndiana Tornado Completely Demolishes Starbucks Cafe:  Local officials say that its a miracle no one was injured after a tornado completely demolished a Starbucks cafe in Kokomo, Indiana.  Fortunately for coffee drinkers, there are two additional Starbucks, a Coffee Bean as well as a Peet’s Coffee directly across the street which were completely unaffected.

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Nine Million Americans Take Sleeping Pills

Aug. 23, 2016

Sleeping PillsNine Million Americans Take Sleeping Pills:  A five-year government study concluded that Americans are drugging themselves to sleep more than ever, with nine million Americans now taking sleeping pills.  Call me old fashioned, but whatever happened to drinking yourself to sleep?

 

Bites PenisSnake Hiding in Toilet Bites Israeli Man’s Penis:  A 35-year-old Israeli man had to be rushed to the hospital after a snake suddenly emerged from the toilet and bit him on the penis.  Herpetologists are cautioning people against immediately concluding that the snake was gay.

 

Baby Squirrel MonkeyRussian Cat Caring for Baby Squirrel Monkey Video Goes Viral:  Video of a Russian cat who adopted a baby squirrel monkey after it was abandoned by his mother at a zoo, has gone viral on the internet.  Because of the kindly gesture on the part of the Russians, the little guy promised – as soon as he’s grown – to do everything a baby squirrel monkey can possibly do to support the Russian occupation of the Ukraine’s Crimean peninsula.

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