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Wednesday September 28 2016

First-Ever Baby Born With DNA From Three People

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Sep. 27, 2016

baby-with-three-parentsFirst-Ever Baby Born With DNA From Three People:  Hoping to prevent a child from inheriting a fatal genetic disease from its mother, scientists say a baby has been born using a new technique that combines DNA from three different people.  Geez, talk about “who’s your daddy?”  And when he gets older, I can see him telling friends “My mother?  Let me tell you about my Mother!”  Not to mention he will become the first person who can legitimately brag about being conceived during a 3-way.  Of course, a procedure like this always brings up ethical questions, such as according to the new labeling laws, will the child need to be categorized as a GMO?

 

compassion-in-ratsStudy Finds Rats Can Show Compassion:  New experiments from the University of Chicago show rats demonstrating compassion by helping other rodents, a trait previously thought to occur in only humans and higher primates.  Well, guess we can no longer accurately refer to Congress as “a bunch of rats.”

 

alicia-and-donaldDonald Trump Repeats His Attack on Alicia Machado’s Weight:  Donald Trump surprised many during the recent presidential debate with Hillary Clinton by repeating his criticism of Alicia Machado’s weight gain after she won his 1996 Miss Universe contest.  And while his words may sound offensive to some, it’s important to remember that Donald Trump is a really buffed gym rat who’s whole life has been centered around health, nutrition and physical fitness.  After the debate, Trump defended his attack on Alicia Machado by pointing out that “feminist chicks really dig me.”

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Snake Charmer Dies During Viper Demo

Sep. 26, 2016

dangerous-snakesSnake Charmer Dies During Viper Demo:  A German “snake charmer” has died after being bitten by a viper during an event aimed at helping audiences overcome their fear of snakes.  A snake charmer bitten by a snake?  I’ll have to assume the snake must not have found him all that charming.  My question is, why would anyone want to teach people to overcome a fear of venomous snakes?

 

stonehengeResearchers Say Stonehenge Was Ancient Graveyard:  British researchers have proposed a new theory for the origins of Stonehenge – that it may have started as a giant burial ground for elite families around 3,000 B.C.  That said, scientists admit its just a theory and nothing is written in stone.

 

batsDeadly White-Nose Syndrome Attacks Bats:  Biologists say a plague know as “white-nose syndrome” has been decimating bat populations across the nation for the past three years.  In related news, an epidemic of “brown-nose syndrome” seems to be spreading across human work places throughout the US.

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Libertarian Johnson Urging Humanity To Inhabit Other Planets

Sep. 25, 2016

gary-johnson

Libertarian Johnson Urging Humanity To Inhabit Other Planets:  In a recent interview with George Stephanopoulos, Libertarian presidential nominee Gary Johnson suggested that because of things such as global warming and the fact the sun will eventually grow and encompass the Earth, we had better start to consider sending people to other planets.  Wow, this has sure been some election!  Trump wants to deport everyone out of the country and now Gary Johnson wants to send us to another planet.

 

air-showNorth Korea Holds It’s First Air Show:  In a bid to attract tourists to the isolated country, North Korea held its first-ever air show showcasing it’s civilian and aerial might at it’s Kalma International Airport.  Shortly after the event, people in attendance were already comparing it to the Wright Brothers first flight at Kitty Hawk – literally.

 

donald-trumpMost Polled Feel Santa is a Democrat:  A new poll found that 44 percent of Americans think Santa Claus is a Democrat, while 28 percent believe he is a Republican.  The other 28 percent say “ah, there ain’t no Santee Claus!”

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Extramarital Affair Costs General His Job

Sep. 24, 2016

brigadier-generalExtramarital Affair Costs General His Job:  An internal investigation has cost US Army National Guard Brigadier General Michael E Bobeck his job after it was determined he had extramarital affair and “misused Army resources.”  While I’m no expert on military law, I’m assuming that the “misuse of Army resources” must be a reference to his penis.

 

electricchairBritish Man Builds Electric Chair to Kill Wife:  A man in Great Britain has been arrested after building a homemade electric chair in his garage and then attempting to electrocute his wife in it.  When asked why he would try to electrocute his poor wife, the man said he felt its more humane than lethal injection.

 

crocodilesCrocodiles Mysteriously Dying in Northern India:  Authorities say as many as 26 endangered crocodiles have been mysteriously found dead in northern India.  I guess we don’t need to ask what kind of tears were shed for them.

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Costco & Sam’s Club Issue Recall of Packaged Ham

Sep. 23, 2016

canned-hamCostco & Sam’s Club Issue Recall of Packaged Ham:  Costco & Sam’s Club have announced they are recalling all of their 6-pound vacuum-sealed packages of Fletcher’s Canadian Black Forest Ham after numerous customer complaints that the meat was un-chewable – lab tests later determined that pieces of rubber material were embedded in the processed meat.

 

Good grief, Canadian ham with pieces of rubber in it?  This sounds like an act of international terrorism.  I think we can safely assume that if Donald Trump’s elected President, this will mean war with Canada!  In fact, at a recent rally, Trump told angry followers he wouldn’t be a bit surprised if Hillary “RodHAM” Clinton wasn’t somehow involved.

 

On the other hand, others are wondering if this could have simply been a secret product test of a new “ham-flavored gum” which was accidentally released to the public.  I mean think about it, why would a boneless ham need rubber in it anyway?  And the recall is having reverberations throughout the industry as Walmart just announced they will be recalling all their rubber ducks, just as a precaution.

 

The irony is that when you consider all the crap they put into processed meats, like growth hormones, antibiotics and other chemicals – the rubber may very well have been the healthiest part.  My advice is go ahead and eat the ham – hell, it might put a little bounce in your step!

 

Meanwhile, on Capitol Hill, some legislators are discussing the feasibility of sending Justin Bieber back to Canada along with the recalled ham.  And a spokesperson for Fletcher’s is trying to calm investor concerns about the recall’s impact on their bottom line by pointing out that BF Goodrich has already offered to buy all the returned packaged hams which they say can be used in nearly all of their products.

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Apple Turning iPhone Into a Digital Wallet

Sep. 22, 2016

iphone-7Apple Turning iPhone Into a Digital Wallet:  Apple says their new iOS 10 is becoming an environment where you can store all your credit cards, digital coupons, tickets and loyalty cards in one place – transforming the iPhone into a digital wallet.  Personally, I don’t really care all that much whether my wallet is digital or analog – either way – I’m still broke.

 

paint-with-thoughtsSoftware Allows People to Paint With Their Thoughts:  A new kind of software allows people – such as people with progressive neuronal disorders – to paint pictures using nothing but their minds.  Of course the real danger lies in the possibility that software like this might fall into the hands of someone like Anthony Weiner.

 

jim-bakkerJim Bakker Claims Watchdog Groups Monitor Him and Kill Patriots:  On a recent television broadcast, Televangelist Jim Bakker warned his flock that people like him are being monitored and completely silenced by liberal watchdog groups.  Wow, seems he just can’t shut up about how he’s being completely silenced.

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