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Saturday February 25 2017

Kim Jong Un Had Half Brother Killed With Nerve Agent

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Feb. 24, 2017

Kim Jong UN Had Half Brother Killed With Nerve Agent:  Malaysian police say the chemical substance used to kill Kim Jong Un’s half brother Kim Jong Nam last week, was a banned nerve agent called VX, which is listed as a weapon of mass destruction by the United Nations.  Why the nerve of someone killing their own half brother with nerve gas.  I have half a mind to tell him so too.  Instead of killing him, couldn’t he have just had him beaten up and left him somewhere half dead?  But no, he had the poor guy killed when he didn’t even half to.  Sad!

Outbreak Of Brain Cancer Found in West Coast Raccoons:  The Centers for Disease Control is reporting there is an outbreak of brain cancer in west coast raccoons which is being linked to a newly discovered virus.  Veterinarians say the real tragedy is that a raccoon’s face will often mask the symptoms.

Customers Forking-Over Thousands to Hear About Past Lives:  A high-priced Manhattan psychic was convicted of larceny after convincing her clients to hand over more than $25 million – telling them “they had past lives as Egyptian princesses and therefore issues with attachment to money.”  Well, I suppose in her own special way, she really did help them overcome their attachment to money.

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New iPhones to Map Faces for Authentication and 3-D

Feb. 23, 2017

New iPhones to Map Faces for Authentication and 3-D:  Apple is rumored be working on a controversial new camera designed to map your face in 3-D for the purpose of facial recognition.  Yea – and good luck with that!  Hell, as it is, Siri suddenly turns into Helen Keller almost every time I ask it something.  And what’s with the 3-D pics anyway?  Do they think our current, regular selfies aren’t narcissistic enough?


More People Getting News From the Web:  Last year, for the first time in history, more people reported getting their news from the internet than from a physical newspaper.  All I can say is, let’s hope this doesn’t mean people are gonna start spanking their misbehaving dogs with their computers now instead of a newspaper.


Police OK With Russian Teen Auctioning Virginity:  An 18-year-old Russian teenager who successfully sold her virginity to the highest bidder ($37,000) through an online auction site has been given the go-ahead by police to seal the deal.  So I suppose that means if you’re ever stopped by the cops for being with a hooker, you can just tell them “oh, this is just a little something I picked up at the auction.”

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Santorum Blames Obama for Recent Rise in Anti-Semitic Crimes

Feb. 22, 2017

Santorum Blames Obama for Recent Rise in Anti-Semitic Crimes:  Conservative CNN contributor Rick Santorum is suggesting that former President Barack Obama is to blame for rising number of anti-Semitic crimes taking place under President Donald Trump.  Because nothing makes more sense than white surpremisist, racist, anti-semites looking to a former African American president like Barack Obama for leadership and guidance.


Milo Yiannopoulos Resigns from Breitbart over Pedophilia Remarks:  Rightwing provocateur Milo Yiannopoulos has resigned from Breitbart News over comments he made in support of sex between “young boys” and older men.  Gee, considering that its Breitbart – instead of resigning, you’d think they’d make him a senior editor or something.  Oh wait, he already was.


Seven Earthlike Planets Discovered Orbiting Nearby Star:  Researchers announced they’ve found a solar system just 39 light-years away from Earth that contains seven warm, rocky planets in orbit around a red dwarf star.  Thirty-nine light years away?  Fantastic news!  Sounds like we’ve found yet another outpost to spread our “western democracy.”  On the other hand, theoretically they’ll soon be receiving the first season of “Jersey Shore.”  Expect Earth to be declared an enemy planet full of “bad hombres.”

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Physics Teacher Receives Death Threats if Students Don’t Pass

Feb. 21, 2017

Physics Teacher Receives Death Threats if Students Don’t Pass:  A 50-year-old high school teacher in Buenos Aires said she’s received death threats, including a letter with a 9 mm bullet in it, warning her she would be shot if she didn’t give the entire class a passing grade in physics.  While I don’t condone gun violence, in these students defense, they were just studying the “Big Bang.”  On the other hand, I don’t think even death threats would have helped me pass physics.


Study Finds Divorce Can Cause Hair Loss in Women:  According to new research, all the stress over getting divorced can result in hair loss in women.  Now men, on the other hand, have already pulled out most of their hair long before their divorce is ever finalized.


Hitler’s Traveling Phone Sold at Auction for $243,000:  A battered red phone once belonging to Adolf Hitler, which was used as his personal traveling phone – similar to a cellphone, has been sold at auction for $243,000.  Hell, what’s the big deal?  I paid almost that much for my iPhone 7 Plus.  One thing’s for sure, if Hitler would have had to depend on AT&T’s crappy connections, the war would have been over before he ever left Germany.

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JFK Opens New $65 million Pet Terminal

Feb. 20, 2017

JFK Opens New $65 million Pet Terminal:  New York’s JFK airport has just opened a new $65 million 178,000-square-foot animal terminal called “The Ark at JFK,” a pet oasis which includes splash pools, massage therapy, overnight kennels, vaccine and micro-chipping services, 24/7 emergency care and and in-house pet spa.  That’s just “plane” crazy.  Hell, makes me wanna run right out and get micro-chipped.  Who the hell wants to sit on one of those cold, hard JFK terminal benches when you got that kind of luxury just down the way?


Annual NYC Whiskey Walk Coming Next Month:  The annual NYC Whiskey Walk will take place this March 4th, with participants enjoying the best of Ireland’s premium whiskeys at eight of NYC’s leading bars.  Yea, well after hammering down Irish Whiskey at eight different bars, let’s just see how many of the participants in this so-called “Whiskey Walk” will still be walking!


Utah Republican Argues Equal Pay for Women Bad for Society:  In a recent letter to the editor, the vice chair of the Wasatch County Republican Party in Utah argued that equal pay for women is bad for families and society and that paying women equally would ruin the makeup of a traditional family where “the mother” remains at home raising children.  And to think that all this time I just assumed Jurassic Park was only a Hollywood movie and that all the dinosaurs were really dead.

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Trump Explains Away Swedish Terror Attack Remarks

Feb. 19, 2017

Trump Explains Away Swedish Terror Attack Remarks:  The New York Times is reporting that after bewildering residents and officials of Sweden by suggesting at a recent campaign rally their country had been the victim of a terrorist attack over the weekend, President Donald Trump explained away the incident by saying he had heard about it during a Fox News interview with a conservative filmmaker.


Personally, I think its almost criminal how the liberal media with their fake news is refusing to acknowledge the horrors of this imaginary attack.  I mean, don’t the good people of Sweden have a right to know that they have been brutally attacked and are now dead?


Reports say the shock and horror of this imaginary tragedy are simply unprecedented – perhaps even exceeding the carnage of the Bowling Green massacre.  All of our thoughts and prayers must go out to the victims of this savage attack which President Trump has apparently managed to pull right out of his ass.


And while its easy to make fun about an imaginary attack, its also important to be sensitive to all the families who lost loved ones in this attack which never happened.  Fortunately for Sweden, unlike America – everyone has healthcare, so all the imaginary victims will be able to be treated free of charge.


Meanwhile, its being reported that the intelligence community is demanding that President Trump be forbidden to watch any more “Road Runner” cartoons for the duration of his presidency.  One of the big problems with Donald Trump’s new reality show is – you just can’t switch it off.

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