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Thursday October 30 2014

Foot-Long Lungfish Removed From Man’s Bowels

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Oct. 30, 2014

Lungfish RemovedFoot-Long Lungfish Removed From Man’s Bowels:  In what is being described as a rather bizarre operation, Brazilian surgeons have removed a mammoth, foot-long eel-like lungfish fish from a man’s bowels.  Perhaps the only thing more bizarre would be if the doctor had decided to use a fishing pole instead of a scalpel to remove the fish.  Upon hearing of the incident, Steely Dan announced they will be releasing an updated version of their classic song “Are You Eel’n in the Rears?”


BaconBacon Shortage Predicted for 2015:  This summer’s severe droughts has pig farmers predicting a global bacon shortage in 2015.  Then I guess we’d better get used to eating “LT” sandwiches.


Jeffrey DahmerSome Labeling Jeffrey Dahmer Tour in Wisconsin as Insensitive:  Even though some are calling it insensitive, a marketing group in Wisconsin intends to go ahead with planned walking tours of the bar and neighborhood where serial killer Jeffrey Dahmer met and hung out with some of his victims.  Perhaps even more troubling, the tour will include a box lunch featuring samples of items that Dahmer had stored in his refrigerator.

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Lady Gaga Buys Malibu Estate With Bowling Alley

Oct. 29, 2014

Lady GagaLady Gaga Buys Malibu Estate With Bowling Alley:  The LA Times is reporting that Lady Gaga has bought a $23 million Malibu estate that includes a 2-lane Brunswick bowling alley.  Ironically, all she told the relator was to find her a property that’s so quiet, you can hear a pin drop.


BigfootAs Many Americans Believe in Bigfoot as the Big Bang:  A new study has found that Americans are just as likely to believe in “Bigfoot” as in the “big bang theory.”  Educators say that while the study may be depressing, it can’t be considered bigamy.  So I guess its “no big deal” if people put their “big foot” right in their mouth.


Job InterviewWorst Answer to Give During A Job Interview:  A poll of HR managers say to never answer “I’m a perfectionist” when asked the classic “what’s your biggest weakness” on a job interview.  Other bad answers for “what’s your biggest weakness” include “Jack Daniels,” “I spend way too much time and money on porn” and “I have a bad habit of exacting revenge on people who don’t hire me.”

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Fireball Whiskey Recalled Over a Sweetener Used in Antifreeze

Oct. 28, 2014

Fireball WhiskeyFireball Whiskey Recalled Over a Sweetener Used in Antifreeze:  Bottles of Fireball whiskey, the insanely-popular, cinnamon-flavored, frat-house favorite, are being recalled in some European countries—because it’s got too much of chemical used in antifreeze inside.  Regulators say they became suspicious as soon as it began being served on tap directly from car radiators.


SunspotsGiant Sunspot Keeps Firing Off Huge Solar Flares:  Astronomers say powerful solar flares have been emanating from the largest sunspot observed in more than 20 years.  In related news, dermatologists in Beverly Hills are reporting seeing some of the largest age spots they’ve observed in many years on celebrity clients.


Kim Jong-UnSouth Korea Spy Agency Says Kim Jong-Un had Ankle Surgery:  South Korea’s spy agency believes North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un, who recently dropped out of public view for nearly six weeks, had surgery to remove a cyst from his ankle.  Political analysts say this surgery was unavoidable if Kim is to seriously compete in next season’s Dancing with the Stars.

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Vasectomies on the Rise During Great Recession

Oct. 27, 2014

VasectomiesVasectomies on the Rise During Great Recession:  A new poll finds that men are now 35% more likely to get a vasectomy now than before the great recession.  Well, when the economy’s going down the tubes, you’ve gotta make cuts somewhere.


Elon MuskElon Musk Warns of the Dangers of Artificial Intelligence:  Tesla chief executive Elon Musk is warning about artificial intelligence, calling it more dangerous than nuclear weapons, like we are summoning the demon.  Perhaps, but my computer’s auto-correct scares me a hell of a lot more than any artificial intelligence ever could.


Brain ChemicalsBrain Chemical May Determine Ambition and Procrastination:  Researchers say they’ve found that amounts of the brain chemical called dopamine in three brain regions determine if a person is a go-getter or a procrastinator.  When asked when they intend to publish their findings, researchers said they’ll probably get around to it one of these days.

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Evil Clown Terror Spreading in France

Oct. 26, 2014

Evil ClownsEvil Clown Terror Spreading in France:  A wave of panic sparked by evil clowns stalking French towns has spread to the south of France where police arrested 14 people dressed as clowns who were carrying pistols, knives and baseball bats.  What a bunch of Bozos.  Makes you wonder what could be next, marauding mimes?


Cellphone PhotosThree Officers Accused of Stealing Nude Pics:  Three California Highway Police Officers have confessed to investigators of stealing nude and racy photos from the cellphones of women arrested on drunk driving charges and sending them to other fellow officers as a kind of “game.”  My question is, could I be the last person left in the US who isn’t carrying nude or racy photos of myself on their cellphone?


Romanian PrincessRomanian Princess Sentenced for Cockfighting Ring:  Federal prosecutors say that a Romanian princess and her husband have admitted running a cockfighting ring on their property in rural Oregon and have been sentenced to probation and ordered to forfeit the $200,000 from the sale of their property.  And just when you thought this story couldn’t get worse, turns out she sold the property to Michael Vick.

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Hawaii Officials Warn of Possible Lava Evacuation

Oct. 25, 2014

Hawaii VolcanoHawaii Officials Warn of Possible Lava Evacuation:  Authorities on the Big Island of Hawaii have told several dozen residents near an active lava flow to prepare for a possible evacuation as molten rock about 160 to 230 feet wide and moving northeast at about 10 yards per hour edges closer to homes.  To provide residents with an example of just how fast this lava is moving, officials say 10 yards an hour is significantly faster than the Oakland Raiders have moved all season.


Ten Commandments StatueMan Arrested for Toppling Ten Commandments Monument in Oklahoma:  A man who claimed the devil told him to use his car to knock over a six-foot tall Ten Commandments monument on the grounds at the Oklahoma statehouse, has been taken into custody.  Now here’s a guy who literally “broke the Ten Commandments.”


Money in StomachWoman Arrested Carrying $70,000 Cash in Her Stomach:  Officials in the Dominican Republic say they’ve arrested a woman at Punta Cana airport who was carrying over $69,000 in her suitcase and another $70,000 cash in her stomach.  Wow, $70,000 cash in her stomach?  Talk about being money hungry!

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