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Saturday January 20 2018

Trump Demands Babies Not Be Born After Nine Months

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Jan. 19, 2018

Trump Demands Babies Not Be Born After Nine Months:  President Trump confused more than a few loyal followers recently while delivering a speech at an anti-abortion rally when he declared “right now, in a number of states, the laws allow a baby to be born from his or her mother’s womb in the ninth month.  It is wrong and it has to change.”

 

You know, this kind of makes me think back to when George W. Bush was president and we all wondered – “could anyone possibly be any dumber than this guy?”  Well – now we have our answer!  But regardless of that, its becoming quite obvious that the debilitating effects of the President’s long, untreated gonorrhea infection is just heartbreaking.  I mean, its really beginning to sound like poor Donald’s only a few months away from being spoon-fed jello pudding over at “Shady Acres.”

 

Meanwhile, we’re left with a country that was founded by geniuses, yet run by idiots!  Just try and imagine how different things would have been had only we had gone to the polls and elected our first woman president – but sadly, Stormy Daniels wasn’t even running.

 

That said, in the interest of fairness, I did check the law and President Trump is correct – the courts still do allow babies to be born at nine months.  Even so, I think its safe to assume most Americans would agree with me that having a baby at nine months “is not wrong” and that this is not something which “really has to change.”  So hopefully, someone can convey to the President that its not really necessary to change the laws of nature.  They seem to be working just fine.

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Giant Potentially Hazardous Asteroid About to Whiz By Earth

Jan. 18, 2018

Giant Potentially Hazardous Asteroid About to Whiz By Earth:  An asteroid between 1600 and 4000 feet across is due to slip past Earth in early February, but NASA says there’s no chance it will make impact as it will pass 2.6 million miles away.  One thing’s for sure, even if this thing were about to strike Earth, nobody in Hawaii would ever believe it.

 

Trump Asked Stormy to Spank Him With Copy of Forbes Magazine:  Stormy Daniels, the porn star who allegedly had an affair with Donald Trump before he was President, claimed that Donald Trump once begged her to spank him with a copy of Forbes Magazine.  Spank him with Forbes Magazine?  What the hell, weren’t there any copies of AARP Magazine laying around?

 

World’s Confidence in US Leadership Under Trump at Record Low:  A new Gallup poll of 134 countries showed a record collapse in approval and confidence in US leadership in the world – with the US now ranking below China in worldwide approval ratings.  I frankly don’t get it.  Hell, our President bangs porn stars – what’s not to like?

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Trendy Tide Pod Challenge Puts Teens in Danger

Jan. 17, 2018

Trendy Tide Pod Challenge Puts Teens in Danger:  A new, potentially lethal viral trend called the “Tide Pod Challenge” has sweeping through social media, which has teens filming themselves swallowing the Tide laundry detergent pods and then challenging others to do the same.

 

Wow, what a perfect tagline for the Trump era – “Let them eat soap!”  On a positive note, at least you can’t say these teens have a dirty mouth.  Personally, I’ve always assumed that anything circulating around the internet that ends in the word “challenge” is probably best suited for the “mentally challenged.”  Of course, to be completely fair, stupidity isn’t anything new, but I do have to admit – swallowing laundry detergent is certainly something that implies a very special kind of stupid.

 

Meanwhile, some are saying we need to explain to these teens just how dangerous this trend really is.  Perhaps, but I can’t help thinking that anyone who actually requires an explanation as to why eating laundry detergent might be dangerous – is probably too stupid to understand the explanation anyway.  Now, you can try explaining anything you want, but why not just tell them these laundry packets are chock-full of healthy nutrition – they’ll avoid them like the plague.

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White House Doctor Gives Trump Clean Bill of Health

Jan. 16, 2018

White House Doctor Gives Trump Clean Bill of Health:  To nearly everyone’s astonishment, Donald Trump’s White House physician Dr. Ronny Jackson has given the 6’3” and 239 pound President a clean bill of health.  Really?  He’s claiming this hugely obese man is in great health?  I suppose next, he’ll be telling us that Trump’s not fat, he’s just “big-boned.”  Now come on – everyone (including his biggest supporters) know deep down inside that Trump is completely full of crap – you’d think that alone would weigh more than 239 lbs!”

 

Study Finds Black Death Spread by Humans Not Rats:  A new study suggests that one of the worst pandemics in human history, the Black Death, along with a string of plague outbreaks that occurred during the 14th to 19th centuries – was spread by human fleas and body lice and not rats as previously believed.  All I can say is, after having his lost job at the White House and then at Breitbart, this new piece of information ought to make Steve Bannon and his supporters finally feel at least somewhat vindicated.

 

Study Finds Second-Born Children More Likely to be Troublemakers:  A new study has found that a family’s second-born child is much more likely to get suspended from school, be involved in juvenile delinquency or end up in prison.  After reviewing the data, family planning professionals are advising couples who plan on having large families, to forgo having the second child and move right on to the third.

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Hawaii Emergency Management Employee Reassigned

Jan. 15, 2018

Hawaii Emergency Management Employee Reassigned:  The Hawaii emergency management employee who set off a statewide panic on Saturday morning by sending out a false alarm about an incoming ballistic missile has been temporarily reassigned.  Emergency management officials are reassuring the public that everything is back under control and that the employee has been reassigned – to the tsunami emergency alert division.

 

Scientists Confirm Men Are the Weaker Sex:  A new study concluded that men really are the weaker sex – because in times of famine, epidemic and hardship over the past 250 years, women have consistently outlived men.  Yea, well – I guess there are different types of strengths and weaknesses.  I just saw research which concluded women are actually the weaker sex – of course, that conclusion was based upon an “arm wrestling study.”

 

Man’s Sense of Touch Restored with a Prosthetic Hand:  Nine years after he lost his hand in a fireworks accident, surgeons in Europe have surgically restored a man’s sense of touch on his prosthetic hand, marking the first time sensory feedback has ever been restored through a prosthetic.  All I can say is, its rather touching to think that now – when this guy gives someone the finger – he can really feel it.

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Employee Accidentally Sets Off Missile Alert in Hawaii

Jan. 14, 2018

Employee Accidentally Sets Off Missile Alert in Hawaii:  A bogus emergency missile alert that was accidentally set off and sent out to everyone in Hawaii – has been determined to have been caused by an employee who mistakenly pushed the wrong button.

 

Gee, an employee accidentally set off the missile alert system?  Makes you wonder, just what the hell was this guy was smok’n?  Oh wait, I think we already know the answer to that – Maui Wowie – but I digress.  All I can say is, its a good thing our President Trump was on the golf course again, or he might have panicked and pushed that “much bigger and much better nuclear button” he has setting on his desk.

 

That said, somebody needs to sit that employee down and have a good talk with him…“Now listen Sparky, let’s go over this one more time – the green button is for all is well and the red button is for…nooooo! – that button says “launch,” not “lunch!”

 

Meanwhile, alt-right conspiracy theorists have been busy insisting that this incident was no accident at all, but an attempt by a blue state to make President Trump look like a fool.  Which sounds ridiculous when you consider that our President doesn’t need any help from blue states to make himself look a fool!

 

Anyway, one interesting thing I noticed was that, even during a frightening situation like this, you don’t hear very many Hawaii residents saying things like “I told you we should have moved to Cleveland instead.”  That said, I think it’ll be interesting to see just how many babies will be born about 9 months from now.

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