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Tuesday October 25 2016

Man Dressed as Pine Tree Arrested for Blocking Traffic

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Oct. 24, 2016

portland-maineMan Dressed as Pine Tree Arrested for Blocking Traffic:  Police say in Portland, Maine say they’ve arrested a man dressed as a pine tree for standing in the street and obstructing traffic in a busy downtown intersection.  Angry traffic cops say if this was a pine, it was “naughty” pine.  You can bet he’s really gonna get needled by friends about this.  Authorities initially questioned all his friends to see if any were accomplices, but they told police “you’re barking up the wrong tree.”


galaxiesAstronomers Say Universe Has Two Trillion Galaxies:  Astronomers report that new data indicate that there are at least two trillion galaxies in the universe, up to twenty times more than previously thought.  And perhaps even more, if one includes unfathomable places like Cleveland or Cincinnati.



Iceland Braces for a Pirate Party Takeover:  A collection of anarchists, hackers, libertarians and Web geeks known as the “Pirate Party,” which didn’t even exist four years ago, is on the cusp of winning Iceland’s national elections.  Guess Icelanders must have felt like things in their country were heading south, which I suppose is quite normal when you live so close to the North Pole.


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UCLA Study Says Fat Genes Determine Obesity

Oct. 23, 2016

fat-genesUCLA Study Says Fat Genes Determine Obesity:  According to researchers at UCLA, while diet and exercise are still large factors in obesity, the degree to which one gains weight from a high-fat diet is largely determined by your genes.  So guys, next time your girlfriend asks you “do these genes make me look fat,” tell her “yes, and I have the studies to back it up.”


nappingStudy Outlines the Benefits of Napping:  A study by the University of Düsseldorf has shown that even very short naps enhance memory processing, improve physiological performance as well as subjective alertness and mood.  Good thing, because I fell asleep as soon as I started reading this story.


baby-formulaRadiation Found in Japanese Baby Formula:  Japanese food maker Meiji Co. said it was recalling their canned powdered milk for infants as a precaution because of small amounts of radiation found in their baby formula.  Which may explain why so many mothers were giving the formula such glowing reviews.

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Trump Name Removed From His Hotels Due To Plummeting Business

Oct. 22, 2016

trump-hotelsTrump Name Removed From His Hotels Due To Plummeting Business:  Amidst reports of plummeting occupancy rates due to his controversial presidential campaign, Trump Hotels have decided its new facilities will no longer bear the Trump name.  In addition to changing the hotel name, they might also want to think about removing the Vladimir Putin portraits hanging in the Presidential Suites.



clintonRepublican Christian Activist Says If He Dies – Blame Hillary:  During a recent broadcast, Colorado State Rep. Gordon Klingenschmitt (R) told listeners on his “Pray In Jesus Name” show that 53 people with ties to Clinton have mysteriously died, so should he somehow end up dead – you know who to blame.  My God, according to the last census, there’s 7200 people still living in or around Clinton, Illinois.  Somebody ought to warn them.  It kind of makes you wonder, isn’t Obama responsible for anything anymore?  Oh wait, he’s not running for anything.


mel-gibsonMel Gibson and Pregnant Girlfriend Beam on the Red Carpet:  Mel Gibson and his pregnant girlfriend were all smiles as they attended a charity event in Los Angeles as the proud father prepares to welcome his ninth child.  Geez, nine children?  Guess that’s finally one thing he can’t blame on the Jews.

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Hackers Launch Massive Attack Via Home Devices Infected With Malware

Oct. 21, 2016

hackersHackers Launch Massive Attack Via Home Devices Infected With Malware:  Hackers have used a malware to infect tens of millions of home appliances and devices which they then used to launch an attack on a company which manages internet traffic, blocking or slowing access to major internet sites all across the internet.  Well, if that’s the case, on behalf of both me and my programable toaster oven, I’d like to send out a heartfelt apology to internet users around the world for any inconvenience they may have experienced.



New Nissan Leaf Offers Improved Mileage Range:  Engineers say they have boasted the mileage range on the new all-electric Nissan Leaf from 124 miles to 155 miles on a single charge.  Interesting, because I once asked a Nissan dealer why the mileage range on their Leaf was so low, and he told me “look pal, that’s our car – take it or Leaf it.”


teslaTesla Now Equipping Every Car To Go Completely Driverless:  Electric automaker Teslas announced it will now equip all its vehicles, including its first affordably priced car Model 3, with the hardware needed for fully autonomous driving.  Not to be outdone by upstart Tesla, Ford announced it will soon introduce cars which will be not only driverless, but also riderless.  BMW on the other hand, pointed out that while their vehicles may not be driverless, many of the people driving their cars could be considered clueless.

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Trump Will Accept Election Results If He Wins

Oct. 20, 2016

donald-trumpTrump Will Accept Election Results If He Wins:  After famously refusing to state whether he would accept election results if he lost, Donald Trump told a rowdy crowd of followers in Delaware, Ohio that “I will accept the results of the election, if I win.”  Which is kind of ironic when you consider the way things are going with his campaign, about the only way this election could be considered “rigged” would be if Trump somehow wins.


teen-boysUS Boys Entering Puberty Sooner Than Ever:  The American Academy of Pediatrics released a large-scale study revealing that boys in the United States are now entering puberty sooner than ever before.  In related news, Wall Street reports that porn industry stocks have just tripled in value.


t-mobileT-Mobile Fined for Phony Unlimited Plans:  Federal regulators are slapping T-Mobile with millions in fines and other requirements for luring in customers with misleading advertising about “unlimited” data plans which really weren’t unlimited.  In T-Mobile’s defense, their BS was certainly unlimited.

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Trump Says He Will Remove Bad Hombres From the US

Oct. 19, 2016

debateTrump Says He Will Remove Bad Hombres From the US:  Republican candidate Donald Trump stirred up more controversy during the final presidential debate after he declared “we have some bad hombres here, and we’re going to get them out,” then calling Hillary a “nasty woman” and finally – admitting he may not accept the results of the election.  In related news, producers announced this week’s Saturday Night Live has been canceled because all the good jokes were already done during the debate.


one-trillionTreasury Rules Out Trillion Dollar Platinum Coin:  In response to an idea being floated by some journalists, the Treasury says it will not be minting a trillion-dollar platinum coin to get around the debt ceiling and pay off the government’s bills.  Good thing!  Can you imagine the carnage that would occur if someone put one of those in a vending machine and it started spitting out change?


capuchin-monkeyWild Monkeys Found Making Sharp Stone Tools:  Scientists studying the stone-smashing habits of bearded capuchin monkeys in Brazil have found that the primates inadvertently produce stone flakes, very similar to the flakes used as cutting tools by early humans.  In fact, the tools are considered so well-crafted, Sears has reportedly decided to replace their entire Craftsman brand with Capuchin Monkey Tools by 2018.

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