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Thursday May 28 2015

Scientists Say Lucy May Not Be Our Direct Ancestor

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May. 27, 2015

LucyScientists Say Lucy May Not Be Our Direct Ancestor:  Its long been assumed that an astonishing fossil of a human-like creature who lived some 3.2 million years ago whom anthropologists named Lucy, was more or less considered kind of the “Mother of Mankind,” but a newly discovered fossil named Australopithecus deyiremeda, may have finally dealt Lucy’s claimed status an irreversible blow.  So, as Ricky Ricardo would say, “Loosey, you got some splain’n to do!”  Other scientists are quick to point out that there’s also the possibility that Lucy may have simply been the mother-in-law.


ShotsFrench Bartender Sentenced After Man Dies From Drinking 56 Shots:  A French barman received a suspended jail sentence after he was convicted of manslaughter for letting a man do 56 shots during a drinking contest that led to his death.  Yea and if they don’t want more deaths, everyone had better stand way the hell back if they decide to cremate this guy.


Soccer ArrestsWorld Soccer Rocked by Arrests of Officials for Graft:  Soccer, the world’s most popular sport, has been plunged into turmoil after seven senior soccer officials were arrested on U.S. corruption and bribery charges and face extradition from Switzerland.  Of course here in the US, its not called bribery, its called lobbying.  On a positive note, this may very well mark first time America has ever cared anything about soccer one way or the other.

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Study Suggests 2 Drinks Per Day Harmful for Elderly Hearts

May. 26, 2015

Two Glasses of WhiskyStudy Suggests 2 Drinks Per Day Harmful for Elderly Hearts:  A new study suggests that for elderly people, drinking just a couple of alcoholic drinks a day can have adverse effects on heart function.  I’ve always suspected that two drinks a day could be harmful.  That’s why I always make sure to have at least five or six.  In fact, I remember when I first read about the dangers of alcohol, I immediately gave up reading.


YogaRetired Bishop Warns Followers Against Yoga:  The recently retired Bishop of Lincoln, Nebraska is suggesting that Christians take up some other form of exercise rather than of yoga, claiming that yoga is based on heathen beliefs and false doctrine which places one’s Christian faith in unnecessary danger.  I must say I’m rather confused at the Church’s hostility to yoga because haven’t they been practicing moves like “downward facing altar boy” for quite a long time now?


Speed dating GroupLA Sheriff’s Shut Down Speed Dating Group:  Los Angeles County Sheriff’s Deputies have closed down the offices of a popular speed dating organization in West Los Angeles after it was determined that members were using methamphetamines.

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Federal Court to Rule on Rocky Mountain Wolf Return

May. 25, 2015

Rocky Mountain WolfFederal Court to Rule on Rocky Mountain Wolf Return:  An argument over whether wolves should be allowed to return to Rocky Mountain National Park to deal with an overabundance of elk is moving to a federal appeals court.  If the court rules in favor of the wolves, the elk are expected to seek refuge at the nearest Elks Lodge.


PlantersNeighbor Lady Using Old Tires as Planters in Her Garden:  When I was leaving home this morning, I was surprised to see that my neighbor had brought home a bunch of really old tires which she told me she was gonna use as planters for her garden.  You know, I never “tire” of hearing new gardening ideas and this sounds to me like a place where the rubber hits the Petunias.


Poo-Powered BusUK Poo-Powered Bus Breaks Speed Record:  A poop-powered bus in the UK has officially set a record for a regular service bus when it hit a top speed of 76.8 miles per hour at the Millbrook Proving Ground in Bedfordshire.  This, of course, is wonderful news for those who support Poo-blic Transportation.  Even so, the poor driver claims he’s been taking a lot of crap over driving this bus.  All I know is, I don’t wanna be around when the driver decides to turn on the heater.  Not surprisingly, there’s a sign in the employee lounge reading “employees must wash hands after driving.”

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Girl’s 16th Birthday Party Ruined After Plane Dumps Feces

May. 24, 2015

Sweet 16 PartyGirl’s 16th Birthday Party Ruined When Plane Dumps Feces:  A Levittown girl’s “Sweet 16” birthday party was ruined when a torrent of human feces dumped from a passing airplane, splattered all over tables, chairs, decorations and the pool where people were swimming – sending everyone running for cover.  Wow, talk about party poopers.  Airport officials say it was most likely a JetPoo flight – either that or a shitting star!  All I know is, I’d hate to be the airline employee who has to complete the paperwork on that.


German GrandmotherGerman Grandmother Gives Birth To Quadruplets At 65:  German TV is reporting that a 65-year-old German grandmother, who already has 13 children and seven grandchildren, gave birth to quadruplets at a Berlin hospital, with the three boys and a girl born prematurely at 26 weeks being in good health and having a good chance of survival.  And if you ask me, this couldn’t have come at a better time – just as TLC needs a new show to replace “19 Kids and Counting.”


Brains FoundResidents of New York Town Find 9 Brains in the Road:  Residents of the northern New York state village of Governeur notified police after discovering nine brains on a street near railroad tracks.  The brains are believed to have been part of a collection for educational or research purposes. Let’s just be grateful they didn’t just throw them all away.  After all, a mind is a terrible thing to waste.

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Another English King May Be Buried Under a Parking Lot

May. 23, 2015

Henry the 1stAnother English King May Be Buried Under a Car Park:  Just three years after the extraordinary discovery of King Richard III’s body under a car park in Leicester, researchers believe yet another medieval English monarch – Henry I – may also be buried beneath a parking lot in Reading.


Geez, what’s up with all these English Kings and parking lots?  Was parking really that difficult to find back in those days?  As if the Royals weren’t well off enough as it is, now it looks like they’ve also got all the good parking spaces.


If this keeps up, pretty soon tours of all the famous palaces and castles will be abandoned in favor of tours of local parking lots.  I think Joni Mitchell said it best when she sang, “they pave over monarchs, and put up a parking lot.”


And, to make matters worse, there’s reason to believe Henry may actually be located under a handicapped space.  That could amount to some pretty sizable fine after all these years.


Another interesting aspect of the story is that poor Henry died mysteriously after eating too much at a dinner held in his honor.  This leads me to believe that Henry may have not have been a Norman King at all, but instead a Burger King.

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Dog Domestication Much Older than Previously Known

May. 22, 2015

Canine DomesticationDog Domestication Much Older than Previously Known:  Scientists say that by extracting genetic information from a 35,000-year-old wolf bone found in Siberia, they were able to determine that canine domestication probably occurred much earlier than previously thought.  Scientists say they’ve found that using genetic information is much more accurate for determining when domestication occurred than the old method – which was based upon when the first PetSmart opened in the area.


Riverdance Ending Tours in North America:  The extremely popular Irish stepdancing troop “Riverdance,” which has been touring continuously in North America since 1996, has decided to end its North American touring in order to concentrate on new markets in South America, India and China.  So, suddenly our rivers are no longer good enough for these people?  


Milwaukee Man Comes AliveMilwaukee Man Comes Alive After Being Pronounced Dead:  First responders preparing to take the body of a Milwaukee man pronounced dead to the morgue got a jolt when the man suddenly began moving and noticeably breathing, after initially finding him cold, pale and rigid at the foot of his bed.  Cold, pale and rigid at the foot of his bed?”  Hell, that’s basically how I start every morning.  Talk about a heavy sleeper.  One thing’s for sure, pronouncing him dead could have been a “grave mistake.”  I guess it always pays to get a second opinion.

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