News Analysis by Johnny Robish
Claiming the Dead: Coroners and medical examiners across the country are reporting large spikes in the number of unclaimed bodies, the majority left by families who say they don’t have the money to pay funeral costs. To combat this, the government is proposing a “cash for cadavers” program.
Water Situation: During the big storms this past week, the Kauai County Department of Water warned island residents in some areas that drinking water which isn’t boiled may cause nausea, cramps, diarrhea, vomiting and headaches. County officials are urging residents who think that boiling water is too much of a hassle to head over to Safeway, purchase the cheapest bottle whiskey you can find and drink that instead, adding that “if you’re gonna face headaches, vomiting and diarrhea, you may as well have a little fun.”
Science Moves On: A 34 year-old British scientist disclosed that she is not only a scientist, but Belle de Jour, who’s famous blogs about her secret life as a prostitute and call girl were turned into books and a TV series. Let’s face it folks, if that doesn’t get our young people interested in science, nothing will.
Camping: I’ve been trying to get a friend of mine to go camping up in Kokee, but to no avail. Now this is definately not someone you would call the outdoors type. In fact, she’s one of those people who thinks she’s in the wildness when she walks past the sporting goods section at Wal-Mart.
Mad at Britney: Its being reported thats hundreds of fans stormed out of a Britney Spears concert in Perth, Australia after it became obvious that the pop star was lip-synching her songs. Let me get this straight, you go to a Britney Spears concert and are disappointed that the experience was rather shallow and phony? Gee, what a surprise! Besides, who cares if she’s lip-synching? How many people go to a Britney Spears concert to hear her great singing voice?
Clinton Statue: The country of Kosovo recently unveiled an 11-foot tall statue of former US President Bill Clinton in its capital of Pristina. A Kosovo official stated that they really wanted the image to be a realistic portrayal of the former President, so it was decided that the statue be located in Pristina’s red light district.
Strong Bones: Pharmaceutical giant Amgen has failed to win approval from the FDA for a bone-strengthening drug that the company has been counting on to propel its growth. An FDA spokesperson said Amgen could have saved a lot of time and money had they just taken the time to consult Sally Field first. Financial analysts warn this is what can happen when you try and tie economic growth to bone growth.
Americans Becoming Immigrant Workers: With the nation's unemployment rate at a 26-year-high of 10.2%, more Americans are hunting for, and landing, work overseas according to a new study commissioned by staffing companies and executive search firms. Responding to the report, recently unemployed CNN anchor Lou Dobbs said that this story gives him hope that he too will eventually be able to find work overseas as an immigrant worker.
Bat Love: Scientists have discovered that female Chinese fruit bats add oral sex in an attempt to get the males to prolong the act, suggesting the behavior confers evolutionary benefits. I would imagine that the benefits would extend even beyond evolution.
Bar Fighter: Rachel Christie, the reigning Miss England, has been forced to relinquish her crown after being arrested for fighting with another beauty queen in a bar. On a positive note, after learning of the drunken bar brawl, Jagermeister immediately named her their new spokesperson.
Useless Drugs?: Congressional investigators say that the FDA has allowed drugs for cancer and other diseases to stay on the market even when followup studies showed that that the drugs didn’t extend patients’ lives. FDA officials say that while the drugs may not have extended patients’ lives, paying for the drugs did manage to considerably extend patients’ credit card debt.
Pay Toilets: The chief executive of the European budget airline Ryanair says he plans to begin charging passengers to use to the bathroom. I don’t think I wanna be on one the flights when someone who really needs to use the bathroom suddenly finds himself a little strapped for cash.
Solar Water Heating: A spokesperson for the Kauai Island Utility Cooperative Energy Services reports that in 2009, more than a third of Kauai residences have their water heated by the sun. The idea really seems to be really catching on, even the Pacific Ocean is rumored to be using the sun to heat its water.
Till Death Due Us Part: Wal-Mart has started selling caskets and urns on their website, often at prices that may undersell funeral homes. Let’s hope there’s a big employee discount for Wall-Mart associates, who with their meagar healthcare benefits, probably will be in need of the caskets.
Require More Meds: Recent studies have found that natural redheads may be more sensitive to pain and may therefore need more anesthetics to numb them. This is in contrast to blondes, where its the people around them that appear to require medication.
Against Coal: College students across the country are protesting the use of coal to provide power to their schools, demanding a more green source of energy. Students say they will not tolerate anything short of the total elimination of everything that still uses coal, up to and including the music of Broadway composer Cole Porter.
Death of a Mortician: The Spartanburg, South Carolina Herald-Journal is reporting the death of local town mortician and funeral director Herman G. Pickerly, who fancied himself not only a mortician, but also an artist. The paper reports that when he died, he left behind a large body of work.
Eight is Enough: Oscar-winning director and actor Mel Gibson, who’s wife filed for divorce from him last spring, has become a father for the eighth time with girlfriend Oksana Grigorieva. Now facing alimony and child support payments for seven children, its no wonder some still refer to him as “Braveheart.”
Coyote Attack: Authorities say two coyotes attacked and killed a promising young musician as she was hiking alone in a national park in eastern Canada. A spokesman for the Royal Canadian Mounted Police say the coyotes initially tried to pin it on wolves, but police quickly ruled out wolves after crack investigative teams determined that CNN anchor Wolf Blitzer was hosting the popular cable news program “the Situation Room” at the time and the “big bad wolf” was obviously just too old to huff and puff and blow anyone’s house down anymore. This, according to Mounted Police, left the coyotes as the only viable suspects.
Mamas and the Papas: Mackenzie Phillips, the former childhood actress reveals in a tell-all book that her dad, musician John Phillips of the Mamas and the Papas, and she had a long-term consensual, incestuous relationship. When questioned about how frequently she and her father would get together, Mackenzie said every “Monday, Monday.”
Out of the Park: Baseball analyst Steve Phillips has been fired by ESPN after admitting having a sexual affair with a production assistant at the cable network. ESPN management says that while they try not to meddle into employees’ private affairs, we have to draw the line when someone makes a big production assistant out of it.
Crystal Meth: In his upcoming autobiography, eight-time Grand Slam tennis champion Andre Agassi admits he used crystal meth for a year around 1997. Agassi added that because of his success on the tennis court, he was able to afford the more expensive “Waterford Crystal Meth.”
New Psychotic Drugs: A new study has determined that young children and adolescents who take the newest generation of antipsychotic medications risk rapid weight gain and metabolic changes that could lead to diabetes, hypertension and other illnesses. The study concluded that you’d have to be crazy to take drugs like these.
Flight Schedules: The FAA has revoked the licenses of two Northwest Airlines pilots who told federal investigators that they were going over schedules on their laptop computers while their plane overflew their Minneapolis destination by 150 miles. Sounds like they pretty much won’t have to worry about their schedules from this point on.
Shower Dangers: Researchers at the University of Colorado tested showerheads from across the country and determined that the fixtures harbor tiny bacteria which spray into your face when you shower. Technicians point out that someone using one of these contaminated showerheads would be literally taking a “cold shower.” In response to the study, doctors now recommend that everyone get a flu shot before taking a shower.
Record Setting Pace: Ohio, facing lawsuits over botched executions, had to put their record setting execution schedule on hold after failing to find a physician willing to advise them about alternatives to the state’s lethal injection process. Makes you wonder, where’s Dr Kevorkian when you really need him?
Big Block of Ice: I stopped in a local North Shore bar the other day and they handed me a drink with a massive chunk of ice in it. When I asked the bartender what’s up with this, he apologized and said that their ice machine has been on the blink. I told him its fine for me, but I cautioned him against using such a huge chuck of ice should Kate Winslet ever drop in for a drink.
Red Sea Water: Environmentalists are expressing concern over a plan to transfer water from the Red Sea to the faltering Dead Sea. After some debate, it was decided that the Dead Sea is "better red than dead.”
Improve Image: The tabloid press are reporting that Amy Winehouse spent $57,000 for breast implants, supposedly in an effort to improve her image. If she really wants to improve her image she doesn’t need to spend $57,000 on fake breasts. How about simply taking a bath and shampooing her hair once in a while?
Obesity Figures: Physiologists, alarmed by the rise in obesity, say obesity is measured by body mass index (BMI), defined as the weight in kilograms divided by the square of the height in meters with a BMI over 25 defined as overweight, and a BMI of over 30 as obese. No wonder so many people are obese. Who could do the math?
Glass Balcony: Sears Tower in Chicago has added new viewing balconies made entirely of glass that are suspended 1323 feet above the ground. I’m guessing that this would be one “glass ceiling” no career minded woman would ever want to break.
Basketball Fairness: President Obama is being criticized by women’s advocates and liberal bloggers for hosting a high-level basketball game with no female players. Administration officials say they fear that if women were invited to play, it may turn into a game of “pick-up basketball.”
Dead Rabbit Toss: A town in New Zealand has reluctantly cancelled its annual dead rabbit-tossing contest
for children following protests from animal welfare advocates. I could be wrong, but isn’t it a bit late to protest after the rabbits are already dead? And if the children still wish to toss something dead, instead of bunnies, have them toss around the Dodgers’ World Series ambitions.
Marijuana Laws: In a directive with far-reaching political and legal implications, the Justice Department said that people who use marijuana for medical purposes and those who distribute it to them should not face federal prosecution, provided they act according to state law. In related news, the Obama Administration announced its decision to nominate Woody Harrelson for Secretary of Agriculture.
Nobel Endeavor: Now that Barack Obama has won the Nobel Prize, supporters are now hopeful that the Nobel Committee will one day recognize the heroic efforts of Dr Truman C. Higgenbottom, a cardiologist who’s dedicated his life to eradicating heart defects in artichokes.
Praying Mantis: I was over at a friend’s house the other day when I came across what looked like a praying mantis who, oddly enough, never seemed to assume the praying position. I wondered what’s up with that and then it occurred to me, this one’s an agnostic.
Happy Halloween: For several days neighbors observed the lifeless body of a Marina Del Rey man who had committed suicide by shooting himself in the eye slumped over on his patio, but assumed it was part of a Halloween display. Of course these were the same neighbors who assumed that a cross burning last spring in front of a nearby African-American church was part of their Easter celebration.
Chapter Eleven: Ran into an old friend of mine the other day and asked him what he’s been up to. He told me he’s now moving into Chapter 11. I told him I’m really sorry to hear that. He said “oh, not financially, just in the book he’s reading.”
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