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Thursday July 20 2017

Republican Asks NASA About Ancient Civilizations on Mars

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Jul. 19, 2017

Republican Asks NASA About Ancient Civilizations on Mars:  California Republican congressman Dana Rohrabacher, who is vice chairman of the Committee on Science, Space and Technology, asked members of a NASA panel this week if there had been ancient civilizations on Mars.  Congressman Rohrabacher, don’t you realize that its dumb questions like that which make all the aliens who live on the dark side of the moon wanna mock us out?

 

Coyotes Said to Be Moving Into Santa Monica:  Wildlife officials say coyotes have strayed from their usual comfort zone deep in the Santa Monica Mountains and have set up a new home near the city’s southern border around Ocean Park Boulevard and 25th Street.  Yea, well I wish them lots of luck trying to find any parking in that neighborhood.

 

Judge Halts Auction of Madonna’s Intimate Items:  The New York Times reports that a judge has halted an auction featuring 22 items previously belonging to singer Madonna, including a breakup letter from Tupac Shakur, a hairbrush which still contains some of the singer’s hair and a previously worn pair of her underwear – after the singer filed an emergency court order.  I don’t know about the other items, but I say its just wrong to try and sell Madonna’s old underwear.  Hell, something like that needs to be donated to science.

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Saudi Girl’s Online Post in Miniskirt Draws Conservative Outrage

Jul. 18, 2017

Saudi Girl’s Online Post in Miniskirt Draws Conservative Outrage:  A young Saudi woman sparked a huge controversy over the weekend by posting a video of herself online in a miniskirt and crop top walking around in public, leading Saudi conservatives to call for her arrest.  In response to the video, an angry House Speaker Paul Ryan warned these are exactly the kind of young women who’ll grow up and attempt to enter the Speaker’s Lobby in sleeveless blouses and open-toe shoes.

 

Micro-Windmills to Power Electronics:  Researchers at the University of Texas at Arlington announced the development of experimental micro-windmills a tenth the size of a grain of rice, which might someday power electronics like cell phones with just a wave of the hand.  Scientists speculate that just a small number of these micro-windmills, strategically placed in the back of someone like Chris Christie’s underwear, could easily power the entire eastern seaboard.

 

Art World Becoming a Favorite Way to Launder Drug Money:  International law enforcement officials say the rapidly rising prices for fine art indicate the art world is quickly becoming a convenient way to launder money made from dubious business adventures, such as drug money.  No kidding!  When I look at some of the things that are passing for art these days, its pretty obvious that somebody’s on some serious drugs.

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Odd Signals Detected Coming From Distant Star

Jul. 17, 2017

Odd Signals Detected Coming From Distant Star:  Astronomers say they’ve detected “strange signals” coming from the direction of a small red dwarf star, located about 11 light-years from Earth.

 

Astronomers point out that while the signal could be from aliens, it doesn’t necessarily mean they were trying to contact us.  They may have just butt-dialed wrong number.  Ironically, when scientists tried to respond back, they received a message saying “your call is very important to us, please continue to hold – we will be with you in a moment.”

 

All kidding aside, how is it they’re able to receive signals from 11 light-years away, yet I always lose my signal every time I drive from Santa Monica back into the west San Fernando Valley?  One thing’s for sure, this alien world has a life form intelligent enough not to find itself stuck in some multi-light-year contract with AT&T.

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Plant-Based Burger Smells, Tastes and Bleeds Like Real Thing

Jul. 16, 2017

Plant-Based Burger Smells, Tastes and Bleeds Like Real Thing:  Scientist and chief executive of Impossible Foods Pat Brown has created a plant-based burger that he says recreates the texture, smell and flavor of meat that carnivores crave (including the blood) – while cutting down on the waste associated with meat production.  And, after you’ve completely devoured one of these babies, I’m guessing about the only left thing to do is wash it all down with an O’Doul’s non-alcoholic beer.

 

Caitlyn Jenner Seriously Considering Running for Office:  Caitlyn Jenner is reportedly seriously considering a shot at politics as friends say she has been questioning how she can make a bigger impact on the world.  OK, so if I’m understanding the Republican slate correctly, after the next election we’re basically gonna have Trump, Kanye West, Kid Rock, Steven Seagal, the Rock and Caitlin Jenner running the country?  Good grief, that’s so insane, I’m not even sure the Russians could get behind that one.

 


Study Suggests Smelling Your Food Makes You Fat:
  Researchers at UC Berkeley discovered that mice who had their sense of smell disabled could eat a high-fat diet and stay at a normal weight, while their litter mates who retained their sense of smell ballooned up to twice normal weight – suggesting a link between smell and metabolism.  Now I realize this study was conducted on mice, but I still smell a rat.

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Trillion-Ton Iceberg Breaks Off Antarctica

Jul. 15, 2017

Trillion-Ton Iceberg Breaks Off Antarctica:  One of the largest icebergs ever recorded, packing about a trillion tons of ice or enough to fill up two Lake Eries, has just split off from Antarctica.  While climate scientists are blaming global warming, Fox news is blaming it on bartenders and cocktail servers, whom they say are the kind of people willing to do just about anything for more ice.

 

Wealth Gap Growing Between Old and Young:  A recent study found a big spike in the wealth gap between old and young in the U.S., with households headed by those over 65 being 47 times wealthier than those led by people under the age of 35.  So that’s what they mean when they talk about “old money.”

 

Women Who Eat Bananas Have a Higher Chance of Conceiving Boys:  A new study out of the UK found that women who eat a lots of bananas (or anything full of potassium) are more likely to conceive a baby boy.  Researchers say its also important for expectant mothers to know that Safeway will have their bananas on sale this week for just 49 cents a pound with your Safeway Club Card.

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Trump Admits Wall Will Cover Less Than Half of Border

Jul. 14, 2017

Trump Admits Wall Will Cover Less Than Half of Border:  Donald Trump conceded his much-touted southern wall along the US-Mexican border may end up covering less than half of the 2,000-mile frontier.  Hell, if they scale down this frigg’n wall any further, even Gary Busey might be able to pay for it.  My only question is, if only half the wall will is gonna be built, will it be the part on the Mexico side or the US side?

 

Escaped Camel Terrorizes Motorists North of LA:  Local authorities report that a camel escaped from a property 50 miles north of Los Angeles and reportedly terrorized frightened drivers who were trapped in their vehicles before police were finally able to capture the animal.  I guess its gonna come as no surprise to anyone that the camel decided to escape on “hump day.”  Wildlife officials say the camel appeared to be in good health, but he did appear to be retaining water.

 

Texas Man Arrives for Jury Duty Drunk With Beer:  A 23-year-old Texas man has been arrested after he reported for jury duty intoxicated and with a beer poured into a Coca-Cola cup.  I guess no one bothered to explain to the poor redneck its supposed to be a jury of one’s peers, not a jury of one’s beers.

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