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Monday August 31 2015

Obama to Rename Mt McKinley

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Aug. 30, 2015

Mt McKinleyObama to Rename Mt McKinley:  The Obama administration announced that it will change the name of North America’s tallest mountain peak from Mount McKinley to Denali, a major symbolic gesture to Alaska Natives. In response, an angry Pat Robertson told viewers of his 700 Club that we’re just lucky Obama didn’t cave in to the LGBT community and rename the place Brokeback Mountain.


TexanTexas Secessionists Launch Petition Drive:  A group called the Texas Nationalist Movement fanned out to 31 cities across Texas trying to gather the 75,000 signatures they say they need to get the question of the state’s secession from the United States on the primary ballot next spring.  Wow, all it takes is for 75,000 illiterate Texans to put their “X” on the petition and they’re gone?  Can those of us living outside Texas sign it also?  I think they’ll make a wonderful third world country.  But to be honest, I’m a little confused.  I thought Obama took over Texas last summer and imprisoned everyone in Walmart basements during that Jade Helm operation.


Quickie MarriagesQuickie Marriages on the Rise in Las Vegas:  New data show that the ever-popular “quickie marriages” are on the rise in Las Vegas.  Which of course, because its Las Vegas, has the added benefit of allowing people to also place their bets on just how long they expect those “quickie marriages” to last.

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Study Finds Restaurant Menus Full of Germs

Aug. 29, 2015

Couple looking at a restaurant menuStudy Finds Restaurant Menus Full of Germs:  A new study determined that one of the dirtiest items found in a restaurant is the menus, which rarely get wiped down between customers.  In response, health officials are urging patrons not to eat anything off the menu.


Rattlesnake SelfieCalifornia Man Bitten by Rattlesnake He Held for Selfie:  A Southern California man may lose his hand after being bitten by a rattlesnake he wrapped around his neck while posing for a selfie.  And that my friends is precisely why I order veggie wraps instead of a rattler wraps.


AsteroidAsteroid Spotted Headed in Earth’s General Direction:  Astronomers have spotted a 900-foot-wide asteroid they’ve named Apophis which the say is headed in the general direction of our planet, but most likely won’t hit us.  Scientists point out that even if the asteroid were to strike Earth – at this point in time – it would pose no threat to dinosaurs.

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Miley Cyrus Says She Identifies As a Pansexual

Aug. 28, 2015

Miley CyrusMiley Cyrus Says She Identifies As a Pansexual:  In a recent issue of Elle UK, Miley Cyrus was very vocal about her sexuality, saying she identifies herself as being Pansexual – which she defines as “being open to every single thing that is consenting and doesn’t involve an animal.”  Glad she clarified that, because I just assumed that, with Miley being a former Disney star and all, being “Pansexual” meant she’s had sex with Peter Pan.  That said, I am a little surprised at her choosing the Pansexual label though.  Hell, you’d think that if she was gonna identify with anything, it would be white trash.


Kylie Jenner and TygaKylie Jenner and Tyga Cited for Being Water Wasters:  Eighteen-year-old reality star Kylie Jenner and her 25-year-old boyfriend have both been cited and fines by the Las Virgenes Municipal Water District for water over consumption at their Calabasas, California homes.  To be completely fair, Calabasas is kind of on the outskirts of Los Angeles county.  Perhaps news of the drought hasn’t made it out there yet.  Besides, the Kardashians ought to be exempt from these ridiculous water mandates anyway.  They work way too hard to be bullied by a bunch of over-zealous meter maids.


GoodyearGoodyear Profit and Sales Disappointing:  Its being reported that revenue for the Goodyear Tire and Rubber Co. has dropped 13% so far this year.  One thing’s for sure, if the trend continues, they may be forced to rename the company Badyear.

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Cameras Catch Coyotes as They Take Manhattan

Aug. 27, 2015

012515WolfOfStuyvesantTown_gnm003.jpgCameras Catch Coyotes as They Take Manhattan:  Wildlife biologists are in the process of setting up cameras to monitor coyotes as they continue migrate into New York City, where its estimated that at least 20 coyotes are currently living in the city – mostly in the Bronx.  And while some residents may find this a bit alarming, biologists say the coyotes as yet seem to have no interest in running for public office.


WaterDrinking Water Before Meals Facilitates Weight Loss:  Researchers say several studies have determined that drinking 500ml of water before every meal can help people suffering from obesity to lose weight.  California officials say this is the worst possible time for a study like this to come out, when we’re smack in the middle of a drought.


Dinosaur EggsHundreds of Dinosaur Egg Fossils Found In Spain:  Archeologists in northeastern Spain say they’ve uncovered hundreds of sauropod dinosaur egg fossils, including four varieties that have never before been found in Spain.  Researchers say what’s most surprising about this find is that no one in the scientific community was even remotely aware that dinosaurs spoke Spanish.

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Hollywood Chamber Says No to Kim Kardashian

Aug. 26, 2015

Kim KardashianHollywood Chamber Says No to Kim Kardashian:  According to the Hollywood Chamber of Commerce, reality star Kim Kardashian is not a good fit and will not be getting a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, even though she recently indicated that she wanted one.  And while she may not be a good fit for the Hollywood Walk of Fame, she does seem like she’d fit right in with all the girls walking Hollywood Blvd.


AmazonAmazon Announces One-Hour Liquor Delivery in Seattle:  Amazon announced it will soon begin experimenting with one-hour liquor delivery in the Seattle area.  Makes you wonder why Amazon doesn’t implement a program like this in cities like Cleveland or Toledo where citizens frequently do need a stiff drink in a hurry.


Car WashLA County Supervisors Washing Cars Often During Drought:  Even as government keeps pushing Californians to cut back on water use during the drought, service records show that the LA County Board of Supervisors are washing their take-home cars two or three times a week.  I should ask my next door neighbor to run for LA County Supervisor.  Hell, it looks like she hasn’t washed her car in years.

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Boy Trips and Punches Hole in $1.5 Million Museum Painting

Aug. 25, 2015

Boy TripsBoy Trips and Punches Hole in $1.5 Million Museum Painting:  A 12-year-old Taiwanese boy, walking briskly through a museum with a soft drink in hand, tripped and broke his fall with a 350-year-old, $1.5 million Paolo Porpora oil painting, smashing a gaping hole in it.  All I can say is, this is obviously one of those instances where things don’t go better with Coke.


Stephen HawkingHawking Tackles Baffling Black Hole Mystery:  Famed physicist Stephen Hawking’s new theory on black holes proposes that information going into a black hole is stored not in the interior as most assume, but in its boundary, which is known as an “event horizon.”  And speaking of events, forget a bunch of black holes, most of us are still trying to figure out whether Beyoncé was actually singing or just lip-syncing at the 2012 Obama inaugural.  And to be honest here, what good is it to know what happens to information going into a black hole if I can’t even manage to find my missing socks after I do the laundry?


Magnetic WormholePhysicists Create Magnetic Wormhole in Lab:  Physicists say they have crafted a wormhole that tunnels a magnetic field from one point in space to another point.  So if I understand the data correctly, next time you go fishing, be sure to keep your worms away from magnets if you don’t want them suddenly transported to another lake.

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