Taking rumor and innuendo and passing it all off as journalism

The funniest Comedy Site on the Web (assuming you do the math correctly).

Rubbish In, Robish Out!

News and Analysis for the Heavily Medicated
(as well as those who need to be)

World Famous!

Updated Daily!

Sunday April 23 2017

Frozen Hash Browns Recalled Due to Golf Ball Contamination

  • Specializing in taking legitimate news stories and transforming them into complete and utter nonsense
  • This publication is made possible in part by generous contributions from the Women's Christian Temperance Union and the American Society of Professional Colon Hydrotherapists
  • Be sure to bookmark this page and come back just as frequently as local laws permit!
  • The newly built Rubbish In, Robish Out! world headquarters in Canton, Ohio. A local organization of "Concerned Citizens for Decency" argues that this facility appears to be little more than a factory for debauchery, misdeeds and general mayhem.
  • No Animal Testing: In response to the many inquiries from animal rights activists, we emphatically deny the allegations that the jokes found on any these pages have first been tested out on animals.
  • Crowds reacting as the latest issue of Rubbish In, Robish Out! rolls off the presses.
  • A portion of every laugh produced by this website is donated to charity.
  • The Babe at the office!
  • Talk about having a bad day!
  • Above is the lunch counter where the titans of the entertainment industry meet when they say "let's do lunch!"
  • Alltop, all the top stories
  • 081209newsman

Apr. 22, 2017

Frozen Hash Browns Recalled Due to Golf Ball Contamination:  A recall has been issued for frozen hash browns sold in nine states under the Harris Teeter and Roundy’s brands because the potatoes may be contaminated with golf ball materials.  Wait a minute!  We’re not supposed to eat golf balls?  I don’t know about you, but I miss the good old days when foods were contaminated with things like e-coli or listeria.  One thing’s for sure, something like this could have never happened if the potatoes they used weren’t sub-par.

 

Swimmers Warned About Testicle Attacking Monster Fish:  Authorities are warning swimmers that a testicle-crushing monster fish from South America, best known for its sharp teeth and occasional attacks on male genitalia, has invaded the waters off Scandinavia.  Its definitely gonna take a lot of balls to go in swimming now.

 

Wine Consumption Drops to Record Low in France:  Once considered France’s favorite pastime, new data shows that wine-consumption levels in France are now at a record low.  Not to worry though, wine consumption on LA’s skid row appears to be stronger than ever.

Facebooktwittergoogle_plusredditpinterestlinkedinmailby feather

No comments

Doctor Accused of Performing Liposuction in Pole Barn

Apr. 21, 2017

Doctor Accused of Performing Liposuction in Pole Barn:  Southwestern Michigan authorities say a doctor may have endangered patients and the public by performing liposuctions in a pole barn.  So for those of you in Southwestern Michigan, if anyone ever utters a snide remark to you like “close the door, were you born in a barn?” – just tell them “no, but I once had liposuction in one.”

 

Tiny Hobbit People Were Actually Separate Species:  Researchers say the tiny 3-foot-tall hobbit people who lived in Indonesia hundreds of thousands of years ago, weren’t simply shrunken versions of modern humans as researchers had previously thought, but were actually a far more primitive sister species of Homo habilis, which lived in Africa 1.7 million years ago.  Anthropologists say this definitively proves Randy Newman was right all along.

 

Romanian Scientists Produce Artificial Blood Product:   A Romanian doctor announced that he and a team of colleagues have made a potentially life-saving stride for medicine, following a successful round of testing an artificial blood product they’ve devoted the last six years of their lives to developing.  Gee, I hate to sound cynical, but Romania is where Transylvania is located.  I mean, is anyone really surprised a “scientist” from Transylvania would devote so much bloody time trying to increase the blood supply?

Facebooktwittergoogle_plusredditpinterestlinkedinmailby feather

No comments

Attorney General Sessions Insults State of Hawaii

Apr. 20, 2017

Attorney General Sessions Insults State of Hawaii:  US Attorney General Jeff Sessions set off a firestorm after issuing an insulting dismissal of America’s 50th state, expressing astonishment that a judge “who sits on an island in the Pacific” could dare hold up American President Trump’s travel ban – making some wonder if he was even aware that Hawaii is a state.  Sure, Hawaii has been a state since 1959, but in Sessions’ defense, he’s still living in the year 1950.  That said, Hawaii shouldn’t take it too personally, Sessions doesn’t recognize any states which were added after the Missouri Compromise.  And on a positive note, at least he had the ocean correct.

 

Newly Discovered Exoplanet May Be Best Candidate for Life:  Scientists say a newly discovered exoplanet, some 40 light-years from Earth, may be the best place to look for signs of life outside our Solar System.  Uh oh, space aliens just 40 light-years away?  Sounds like the Trump Administration may need a bigger wall.

 

Lawsuit Claims Bose Headphones Spying on Customers:  An Illinois man has filed a class-action lawsuit, accusing high-end audio equipment maker Bose of spying on its users and selling information about their playlists and listening habits without permission.  And who can blame him?  I mean, who wants the general public to know your favorite music group is The Village People?

Facebooktwittergoogle_plusredditpinterestlinkedinmailby feather

No comments

Bill O’Reilly Out at Fox News

Apr. 19, 2017

Bill O’Reilly Out at Fox News:  Fox News announced it has ended its association with Bill O’Reilly, the combative TV host and commentator who has ruled cable-news ratings for nearly two decades and was the signature figure in the network’s rise as a powerful political player.  Sounds like Bill O’Reilly is no longer a Factor – he’s entered the “No Job Zone.”

 

Brain Enters Higher State of Consciousness on LSD:  A new study found that psychedelic drugs such as magic mushrooms, ketamine, psilocybin and LSD cause the brain to enter a “higher state of consciousness.”  Unfortunately, my “higher state of consciousness” turns out to be paranoia.  The good news is these drugs are completely safe for everyone.  My cat just told me so.

 

United CEO Calls Dragging Incident a Learning Experience:  Calling it a “learning experience” for all of us here at United, United Airlines CEO Oscar Munoz apologized to shareholders for forcibly dragging a passenger off one of its planes.  Oh, I think you could call it a “learning experience” for most of us in the traveling public too.  On a positive note, at least they didn’t force the poor guy to parachute out of the plane.

Facebooktwittergoogle_plusredditpinterestlinkedinmailby feather

No comments

White House Claims Miscommunication on Aircraft Carrier’s Location

Apr. 18, 2017

White House Claims Miscommunication on Aircraft Carrier’s Location:  A senior Administration official says a miscommunication with the Pentagon and the Trump Defense Department was responsible for President Trump falsely claiming on Fox News that he was sending “a very powerful naval armada” to the Korean Peninsula, when those ships were actually on their way to military exercises out in the Indian Ocean, some 3,500 miles in the opposite direction.

 

Interesting military strategy, provoking a hostile country with forces that are actually somewhere else!  Talk about a tactical genius!  I mean, so what if we lost track of an aircraft carrier and four warships for a while, or that the entire Defense Department along with the Secretary of Defense “Mad Dog” Mattis had no frigg’n clue as to where our ships were.  What’s the big deal?

 

Instead of thinking negative things like “what could possibly go wrong?” – we should be thinking positive and asking “what could possibly go right?”  Think of it this way, if we have no idea what the hell we’re doing, how is the enemy supposed to figure it out?  I mean, hell – sometimes when I am playing video games like Civilization 6, I lose my aircraft carriers too – it happens.  Besides, what does any of this have to do with Benghazi or the Susan Rice unmasking scandal?

 

And to be completely fair, Trump only recently learned that the world is round.  He probably just assumed we could quickly have those vessels circle the globe and end up right back in the Korean Peninsula in no time at all.  Also, we did have Vice President Mike Pence in South Korea at the time, staring down the North Koreans from just over the border.  That is, until the North Koreans paraded out a bunch North Korean women – forcing Pence to leave immediately because his wife wasn’t there with him.

Facebooktwittergoogle_plusredditpinterestlinkedinmailby feather

No comments

Trump Urges Everyone to Read Book with No Words

Apr. 17, 2017

Trump Urges Everyone to Read Book with No Words:  In an early morning tweet, President Trump urged all Americans to read Michael J. Knowles’ Amazon bestseller “Reasons to Vote for Democrats,” a satirical book that contains nothing but 260 blank pages.  No doubt the book is at the top of Betsy DeVos’ reading list.  Actually, its a great read for Trump people, because you can just make up your own stories.  When asked if he actually read the book, Trump admitted he hadn’t, but said he did read the CliffNotes.  Trump added that his only complaint about the book was that there weren’t enough pictures in it.

 

Grumpy Cat Has $100 Million Net Worth:  The Internet’s most notorious feline Grumpy Cat is said to have a net worth of over $100 million – all earned from appearances, movies, modeling, ads and book deals.  And for those of you thinking about turning your feline friend into some ready cash, its important to remember that “all that litters is not gold.”

 

Study Finds Younger Millennials Want Stay-at-Home Wives:  A new study found that fewer of the youngest millennials, those aged 18 to 25, support egalitarian family arrangements than did the same age group 20 years earlier.  The only issue is – having a stay-at-home wife can get a little complicated when you’re still living in your parent’s basement.

Facebooktwittergoogle_plusredditpinterestlinkedinmailby feather

No comments