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Wednesday July 27 2016

Americans Like Smartphones More than Sex

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Jul. 27, 2016

SmartphoneAmericans Like Smartphones More than Sex:  A new Harris Poll found that more Americans say they can live without sex than without their smartphones.  Which, when you think about it, is really quite a testimony as to how good phone sex has gotten over the last few years.

 

Two Women

Study Finds Women Find Other Women Attractive:  According to new research, 60 per cent of heterosexual women surveyed said they find other women sexually attractive.  Those same women, however, say its unlikely they’d ever date a woman, simply out of fear they might end up being the one who has to pick up the check at dinner.

 

Garamond FontStudent Claims Garamond Font Could Save Government $234 Million:  A fourteen-year-old student made national headlines by claiming the federal government could save over $200 million simply by switching to Garamond font on its documents because it’s thinner, it’s lighter and uses less ink.  Come on!  If some punk kid is able to figure this out, then what the Helvetica is wrong with the government?

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Solar Plane Completes Historic Round-the-World Trip

Jul. 25, 2016

Impulse 2Solar Plane Completes Historic Round-the-World Trip:  A solar-powered aircraft has successfully completed the first fuel-free flight around the world, returning to Abu Dhabi after an epic 16-month voyage and demonstrating the potential of renewable energy.  Good thing the plane’s electric motors were powered by solar, otherwise, you’d need to find one helluva long extension cord.

 

Maya PyramidCanal Under Maya Pyramid Possibly Gateway to Afterlife:  Mexican archeologists have discovered a canal system under the pyramid containing the tomb of a Mayan ruler, suggesting the water tunnel could represent a symbolic path or gateway to the afterlife.  Yea, well it’d be just my luck that I follow the canal seeking the afterlife, only to discover that the damn thing is actually just a “gateway” to the septic tank.

 

Toliet PaperMale Workers Asked To Bring Own Toilet Paper To Work:  Male public works employees in Windsor, Missouri, have been ordered to bring their own toilet paper to work after a city administrator claimed the male workers were using way too much toilet paper during a time of budget constraints.  Angry workers say when they agreed to move to a paperless environment, they never dreamed it meant the bathrooms.

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White Sox Suspend Chris Sale After Bizarre Clubhouse Incident

Jul. 24, 2016

Chris SaleWhite Sox Suspend Chris Sale After Bizarre Clubhouse Incident:  The Chicago White Sox have suspended pitching ace Chris Sale after he shredded a bunch of throwback uniforms in the White Sox clubhouse which he claimed were uncomfortable to wear.  Well now that the uniforms have been damaged, I guess the White Sox will have to put them on Sale.  Oh wait – they already tried that.

 

Ann CoulterAnn Coulter Attacks Fareed Zakaria for Thick Indian Accent:  Ann Coulter used Twitter to attack CNN’s Fareed Zakaria for speaking in “thick Indian accent” when he asked the question “what kind of America do we want to return to?”  My only advice to Ann Coulter is make sure to have your birth certificate handy if you ever try to use a public bathroom in North Carolina.

 

Porn IndustryPorn Industry Job Losses Hurting Economic Figures:  Its been estimated that the porn industry’s recent near shutdown because a porn star tested HIV positive has a dramatic effect on US economic growth numbers, with a whopping 22,000 jobs lost per month.  Perhaps, but its also quite possible that the job losses are way overblown.

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Dead Body Sat in Aussie Restaurant for Three Days

Jul. 23, 2016

Hungry JacksDead Body Sat in Aussie Restaurant for Three Days:  Australian police are investigating how a dead body was able to sit unnoticed in the bathroom stall of a Hungry Jack’s fast food chain near Perth for three days.  Not so surprising when you think about all the times have you’ve walked into a public bathroom and thought “what died in here?”

 

AppendixResearchers Feel Appendix May Perform Useful Function:  According to a new study, the appendix may not be useless after all as the worm-shaped structure helps protect our beneficial gut bacteria when a serious infection strikes.  In related news, sociologists say the Kardashians may not be totally useless, they can always serve as bad examples.

 

Air ConditionerJohn Kerry Claims Air Conditioners as Big of Threat as ISIS:  Secretary of State John Kerry told reporters in Vienna that the hydrofluorocarbons from air conditioners and refrigerators pose as big of a threat to life as terrorism from groups like the Islamic State.  No kidding, I could have sworn I heard my A/C unit chanting Allahu Akbar just last night!  As a precaution, the State Department announced it will immediately require TSA’s to begin screening passengers for possible air conditioning units at all major airports within the United States.  Meanwhile, ISIS announced they plan to come out with a new line of air conditioners in the fall.  Not to be left out of the action, the Trump campaign issued a statement saying we’ve got to stop refrigerators and A/C units from entering the country until we figure out what’s going on.

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NASA Space Probe Confirms Mercury Has Ice

Jul. 22, 2016

MercuryNASA Space Probe Confirms Mercury Has Ice:  In a surprising finding, NASA space probe Messenger has confirmed that Mercury, the closest planet to the sun, has a vast amount of ice at its north pole.  Who cares about ice?  Space probes don’t need cold beverages.  The real question is, does it have any mercury?  What the world needs now are affordable thermometers.

 

Cosmiic BulgeX-Shaped Bulge Confirmed at Center of Milky Way:  New data conforms that there is a massive, x-shaped bulge at the center of our Milky Way galaxy.  Astronomers say about the only explanation they can think of for a bulge that big is that it must be happy to see Uranus.  Who knew astronomy was x-rated?

 

David DukeEx-KKK Leader David Duke Running for Senate:  David Duke, the former Grand Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan, has announced he will run for U.S. Senate as a Republican in Louisiana.  Well, he is running as a Republican in Louisiana, I doubt very many will really give a sheet he was in the KKK.

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Roger Ailes Resigns as Chairman and CEO of Fox News

Jul. 21, 2016

Fox's AilesRoger Ailes Resigns as Chairman and CEO of Fox News:  Fox News Chairman and CEO Roger Ailes, drowning in a deluge of sexual harassment allegations, has resigned from the mighty $2 billion cable operation he helped create – effective immediately.  Now I realize companies are always trying to trim the fat, but it looks like Fox went right to the top with this move.  Guess you can’t really blame Fox for trying to cure what Ailes them.  And while I was never a fan of Roger Ailes, when I heard he’d been fired, I couldn’t help but wonder, “why does it always seem to happen to the pretty ones?”

 

ComputerScottish Computer Can Writes Jokes:  A team of scientists in Scotland say they’ve developed a computer that can actually write jokes.  Developers claim that the machine has already come up with 6 gigglebytes of material.

 

Nice DriverNice Truck Attacker Plotted Attack for Months:  New revelations indicate that the Nice truck driver who killed at least 84 people and injured hundreds more on Bastille Day, had been plotting the attack for months.  An angry Donald Trump lashed out at the liberal media’s characterization, pointing out that “there was nothing ‘nice’ about that truck driver – he was an incredibly bad man.”

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