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Saturday November 28 2015

Egypt Begins Search for Fabled Queen Nefertiti

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Nov. 27, 2015

King TutEgypt Begins Search for Fabled Queen Nefertiti: Egypt’s Antiquities Ministry confirms that a digging exploration has begun inside King Tutankhamun’s 3,300 year-old tomb in the search for hidden chambers that an Egyptologist believes could include Queen Nefertiti.


Why do they have to do all that digging? Can’t they just track her down by her credit card usage? Frankly, I’m hoping they never find Queen Nefertiti. I’d rather remember her the way she was. Besides, I’m still trying to process who’s buried in Grant’s tomb.


All I know is, if they look behind door #2, they’ll probably gonna find one of Ben Carson’s grain storage vaults. Anyway, enough of this silly nonsense. Sometimes I think all this science stuff is just a ploy to distract us from keeping up with what the Kardashians up to.

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Frank Gifford Suffered From CTE Brain Disease

Nov. 26, 2015

Frank GiffordFrank Gifford Suffered From CTE Brain Disease: Its been revealed that an autopsy on Frank Gifford, a Hall of Fame running back who was involved in one of the most brutal collisions in the N.F.L.’s history, was found to have had chronic traumatic encephalopathy, a degenerative brain disease. Come on, they didn’t need to run an autopsy to know he had serious brain damage – he married Kathie Lee didn’t he?


Russian JetTurkey Won’t Apologize for Downing Russian Warplane: Turkey insists that it will not apologize for downing a Russian fighter jet it says violated Turkish airspace near the Syrian border. In related news, House Republicans plan to form an investigative committee to look into Obama’s pardon of the Thanksgiving Turkey – to determine if there could be any links between the pardon and Turkey shooting down a Russian jet.


CatCat Discovers Ancient Roman Ruin: Local officials say a man chasing his cat who had disappeared into a cave, stumbled upon an ancient tomb containing piles of bones and Roman urns dating from between the second century B.C. and the first century A.D. Archeologists say they obviously dated everything using a CAT scan.

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Trump Openly Mocks Reporter’s Disability

Nov. 25, 2015

Donald Trump

Trump Openly Mocks Reporter’s Disability: To the delight of his audience at a recent campaign rally, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump mockingly imitated the physical disability of Washington Post reporter Serge Kovaleski, who suffers from a rare, congenital musculoskeletal disorder that limits the movement of his arms.


So I guess we can assume that if he’s elected, disability rights wouldn’t be a major priority in a Trump administration. In response to strong criticism, Trump supporters are quick to point out that if he can be successful in bringing open ridicule of people with disabilities back into fashion, it could very well open-up lots of new employment opportunities for the disabled in our country’s circuses and side shows. Talk about being job creators!


Privately, many Republican insiders have been expressing concern that Trump has lately been leaning a bit too heavily on promoting racial hatred, homophobia and sexist bigotry and say its about time he starts attacking the disabled with equal vigor. Apparently its working, because Trump is once again rising in the polls and many rank and file Republicans add that they haven’t seen commentary as biting and spot-on since Rush Limbaugh mocked-out Michael J. Fox’s Parkinson’s Disease symptoms a few years back.


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Automatic Sperm Extractor Introduced At Chinese Hospital

Nov. 24, 2015

Sperm ExtractorAutomatic Sperm Extractor Introduced At Chinese Hospital: A Chinese hospital has just introduced a new machine that makes sperm donation to help infertile couples even easier – an automatic sperm extractor – a massage pipe that can be adjusted to suit the height of the user and all the donor has to do is set the frequency, amplitude and temperature, and mercifully, it comes with a small screen for those not feeling sufficiently inspired.


The machine is manufactured by a company called Genital Electric. I’m searching on Amazon Prime for one right now, thinking this would be the best attachment ever for my Segway. And can you imagine what a terrific Christmas gift this would make for Bill Clinton? Just don’t mistake this thing for the water fountain.


Manufacturers say the haven’t fully decided what to name the device, but they’re leaning toward calling it the Kardashian Z2000. And to keep the PETA people happy, makers promise to certify that this product has not been tested on animals.


While some are hailing this as a positive development for infertile couples, others are quick to point out that if a device like this ever went mainstream, Paris Hilton would be out of a job. It also begs the question should one make eye contact with the guy who’s just finished when you’re the next one up on deck?


And the good news is, because its a completely “hands-free device, you can legally use it while driving. Just be careful not to hit the “slice” button! I wonder if its covered by insurance and if so, what would be the Co-Pay? Hell, just set this baby up next to a cigarette vending machine – and we’re good to go.

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Ancient Armenian Winery Found

Nov. 23, 2015

Ancient Armenian WineryAncient Armenian Winery Found: A UCLA-led team has discovered a 6000-year-old winery in a remote Armenian cave.  The wine should be available for purchase at the low, low price of $8.99 a bottle at Trader Joe’s beginning early next week.


YogaUniversity Yoga Class for Disabled Canceled Over British Oppression: Free yoga classes being taught to disabled students at the University of Ottawa are being canceled because student leaders felt that yoga comes from a former British colony which “experienced oppression, cultural genocide and diasporas due to colonialism and western supremacy.” In lieu of yoga, disabled students will instead be offered free yogurt with their choice of two toppings.


Ironworkers' UnionClinton Wins Ironworkers’ Union Endorsement: Adding to her front-runner status in the race for her party’s U.S. presidential nomination, Democrat Hillary Clinton has just won the endorsement of the Ironworkers’ Union. Not to be outdone, the Bernie Sanders’ campaign announced they’ve just received the endorsement of the Carbon-Fiber Workers’ Union.

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Trump Claims Seeing Thousands Cheering 9-11 Attacks

Nov. 22, 2015

TrumpTrump Claims Seeing Thousands Cheering 9-11 Attacks: Donald Trump is claiming he saw “thousands” of people in New Jersey “cheering” as the World Trade Center came down during the September 11th terrorist attacks. Interesting! I assume this means if Trump’s elected, we’ll be bombing New Jersey.


Zimbabwe Mr UglyCheating Accusations Mar Zimbabwe’s Mister Ugly Contest: Judges have crowned a new winner of Zimbabwe’s 4th annual “Mister Ugly” contest, but the pageant was marred by controversy after the previous three-time title holder claimed he was cheated out of the title. Those in attendance say the pageant started out being a lot of fun, but turned ugly fast.


Sierra Exif JPEGUS Cats Kill Billions of Birds and Animals Yearly: A new study claims that roaming cats kill as many as 3.7 billion birds and 20.7 billion small mammals in the continental U.S. each year. To make matters worse, most of those deaths go unreported.

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