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Dec. 22, 2017
Murder Rate in New York City Falling to Record Lows: New statistics are showing that murders in New York City are at a record low – and are now roughly the same as Wyoming, Montana and South Dakota. When questioned about the decline, researchers say with the deep social cuts and transfer of wealth under the newly passed GOP Tax Plan, many disillusioned murders are feeling “what’s the point? The economy’s gonna take care of everything anyway.”
Be Careful What You Ask For: You can file this one under the old cliché “be careful what you ask for!” I walked in my local Starbucks and ordered myself an “extra hot” cafe latte, looked over and saw the barista dumping about a half a bottle of Tabasco sauce in it.
Many Questioning the Value of Searching for UFO’s: With the recent revelations that the US Department of Defense ran a program to investigate unidentified flying object (UFO) sightings, some are wondering if the costs of searching for signs of intelligent life in outer space are really worth it. And while I don’t have the actual figures, I can see where the costs could be “astronomical.”
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by Johnny Robish © Copyright 2017
Alphabet’s Eric Schmidt Stepping Down As Executive Chairman
Dec. 21, 2017
Dec. 21, 2017
Alphabet’s Eric Schmidt Stepping Down As Executive Chairman: Google’s parent company Alphabet Inc has just announced its Executive Chairman Eric Schmidt will be stepping down from his position – effective its next regular board meeting. Alphabet hasn’t indicated who will be replacing Schmidt, but I think its a pretty safe bet to conclude its not likely gonna be anyone who has a history of dyslexia.
Deadly Snake Fungus Threatens Species Worldwide: A deadly fungus that forms fast-spreading lesions across a snake’s body can be found in 23 species in the United States and poses a global threat for the species. The disease is spreading so quickly, scientists say its brought life for many snakes down to a crawl.
Low-Cost European Airline to Offer Porn on Flights: Low-cost European airline Ryanair is reportedly planning to offer pornography as an in-flight entertainment option. Yea well – then don’t expect the seats to be the only thing on the plane in their full, upright position.
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by Johnny Robish © Copyright 2017
Baby Born From Embryo Frozen 24 Years Ago
Dec. 20, 2017
Dec. 20, 2017
Baby Born From Embryo Frozen 24 Years Ago: A 26-year-old American woman has given birth to a baby that grew from an embryo frozen 24 years earlier, in what could be a record length between the donating of an embryo and the delivery of a child. All I can say is, this poor kid has to have one hell of a confusing birth certificate. I mean, if Trump thought Obama’s birth certificate was a problem, this outta make his head spin right off. And considering its Tennessee, I’m rather surprised she hasn’t been summoned for jury duty by now. That said, the parents insist the child is doing quite well and is already asking permission to watch old episodes of “Friends.”
Beetle Penises Hold Clues For Better Medical Devices: Researchers at Kiel University in Germany say the stiffness of beetle penises may help solve an engineering problem people who design medical catheters have had for a long time – how do you keep a very thin tube flexible enough to snake into hard-to-reach area, but still remain rigid enough to withstand insertion? In related news, lawyers for research beetles with hard, but flexible penises – have just announced a $4 million sexual harassment suit against Kiel University in Germany.
New Species of Glow in the Dark Sharks Discovered in Hawaii: Earlier this year, a new species of deepwater shark who’s underbelly glows in the dark, was discovered in waters surrounding the Northwestern Hawaiian Islands. The light works as camouflage and helps them to hunt, communicate and find sexual partners. Gee, must be one of those Fukushima sharks. They have a certain glow about them. As if the world situation isn’t bad enough, and now they’re telling me that light at the end of the tunnel may turn out to be a shark?
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by Johnny Robish © Copyright 2017
Pentagon’s Secret UFO Boss Thinks We May Not Be Alone
Dec. 19, 2017
Dec. 19, 2017
Pentagon’s Secret UFO Boss Thinks We May Not Be Alone: After a video was released of Air Force jets tracking what appeared to be an unidentified flying object, the former head of the Pentagon’s secret UFO-hunting bureau admitted he believes “we may not be alone.”
OK, but I guess my first question is – if we all now know about it – how secret can this “Secret Pentagon UFO Unit” really be? Secondly, if these extra-terrestrials really do exist, has anyone ever explained why they only seem interested in showing up at trailer parks and heavily wooded areas in the Deep South? Could they have somehow acquired a passion for deep-fried foods? Or perhaps we’ve just discovered the first interstellar NASCAR fans? I mean, who knows? After all, when it comes to space aliens, the sky is the limit.
Anyway, in the meantime – the Trump Administration is doing their best to calm any anxieties people may have over this alien invasion disclosure by reassuring everyone that President Trump’s new global immigration policies are also designed to dissuade space aliens from landing here on Earth. This is accomplished by preventing any space aliens from finding decent paying jobs or trying to vote in elections against people like Roy Moore without being in possession of proper identification. Now I ask you, what could be more comforting than that?
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by Johnny Robish © Copyright 2017
Natural Selection Favors Younger Mothers and Men With Higher BMI
Dec. 18, 2017
Dec. 18, 2017
Natural Selection Favors Younger Mothers and Men With Higher BMI: Research has revealed that as humans continue to evolve, natural selection appears to be favoring a higher body mass index (BMI) in men and women who start a family at an earlier age. Wait a minute – are they saying that older, fat guys having sex with young women is what natural selection prefers? I thought we’ve just spent the past 3 months railing against that sort of behavior.
Massive Blackout Hits World’s Busiest Airport in Atlanta: A sudden power outage brought the world’s busiest airport to a standstill, grounding more than 1,000 flights in the US just days before the start of the Christmas travel rush. Wow, sounds like we’re finally making real progress toward becoming the globe’s newest third world country.
Elderly Man Thrown Off Cliff by Bear and Lives: An 80-year-old man in a remote area of Russian is lucky to be alive after being thrown off a steep cliff by a bear he tried to headbutt in order to get it to leave a wild berry patch. Doctors say at this point, all the poor guy can do was grin and bear it. Once again, we see irrefutable proof that if someone just has enough vodka in their system, they can apparently survive almost anything.
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by Johnny Robish © Copyright 2017
Sarah Palin’s Son Track Arrested for Domestic Violence
Dec. 17, 2017
Dec. 17, 2017
Sarah Palin’s Son Track Arrested for Domestic Violence: Track Palin, the oldest son of former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin, has been arraigned on charges of domestic violence, felony burglary, misdemeanor reckless assault and misdemeanor criminal mischief for causing up to $500 in property damage. Gee, I was just gonna remark “say it isn’t so,” but of course – that would be Sarah Huckabee Sanders and Sean Hannity’s job. One thing’s for sure, this guy sure doesn’t have a very good Track record.
Scientists Now Have Tools to Bring Back Once Extinct Animals: Because of new advances in gene sequencing technology, scientists are now able to bring back once-extinct species of animals such as the Tasmanian tiger and the woolly mammoth, but some wonder if its really such a good idea. Now I don’t know about the Tasmanian tiger, but I am concerned about the consequences of bringing back the woolly mammoth. After all, there’s quite a lot of people who are allergic to wool.
Jerry Richardson to Sell Carolina Panthers Amid Investigation: Jerry Richardson announced he will sell his Charlotte-based NFL franchise at the end of the 2017 season amid reports that the 81-year-old NFL owner paid-out financial settlements to multiple former team employees over inappropriate behavior and comments. Wow, an 81-year-old NFL owner who’s had a heart transplant sexually harassing his employees? Now that’s some serious “fantasy football.”
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by Johnny Robish © Copyright 2017
