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Monday February 08 2016

BMW Experimenting With Laser Headlights

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Feb. 08, 2016

Laser HeadlightsBMW Experimenting With Laser Headlights: BMW is experimenting with laser headlights that they say are 1,000 times brighter than conventional headlights. Researchers says the new technology has two distinct advantages a) you’ll be able to see the road much better and b) you can immediately vaporize anyone who tries to cut you off.

 

Ice SheetsClimate Scientists Say Gigantic Ice Sheets Melting: Climate scientists say that the dramatic melting of the gigantic ice sheets could result in a sea level that could likely rise up by as much as five feet by the year 2100. On the other hand, its rather comforting to know that if all that ice does melt, the oceans will rise to the occasion.

 

TouristTourist Catches Child Who Fell From 4th Floor Balcony: A quick-thinking English tourist caught a two year old girl as she feel from a fourth-floor Orlando hotel balcony. While praising her effort, police say surveillance videos show the tourist stepped out of bounds just before the child dropped into her arms and therefore the catch must be ruled as incomplete.

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Teens Having Oral Sex Before Vaginal Intercourse

Feb. 07, 2016

Teen CoupleTeens Having Oral Sex Before Vaginal Intercourse: According to research by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, most teens are having oral sex long before they are having vaginal intercourse. And is it any wonder when you consider how much educators have always encouraged students to develop their oral skills?

 

iPadStudy Claims Newspaper Readers Retain More Information: A recent French study took a look at reading patterns and concluded that newspaper readers were more likely to retain information than iPad readers. Unfortunately, this information won’t do me much good because I read this story on an iPad.

 

Women TalkingWomen Talk Three Times More Than Men: A new study found that women talk nearly three times as much as men on average. No kidding! I once went out with a woman who could really talk up a storm. In her defense, she was a meteorologist, so I guess that was kind of her job.

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Australia’s Buff Kangaroo Is Back Showing-Off His Big Guns Again

Feb. 06, 2016

Buffed Kangaroo 1Australia’s Buff Kangaroo Is Back Showing-Off His Big Guns Again: Visitors are reporting that Roger, the super-muscular marsupial, who bounced to international fame last year after being discovered living in an kangaroo sanctuary in northern Australia, has emerged from his summer break looking more buff than ever.

 

Good grief, can this be real? This animal looks as if he’s been nosing around in Peyton Manning’s trash cans. Just what we need, “Roo’s on Roids.” I’ve seen videos of monkeys drinking and smoking, but I’ve never seen a kangaroo on steroids before. Rumor has it Lance Armstrong is his personal trainer. Meanwhile, Gold’s Gym has been trying to recruit him as their spokeskangaroo. Funny to think that one day all those bodybuilders at Gold’s could end up suffering from a serious case of “marsupial envy.” Personally, I don’t like be critical – but while Roger’s upper torso may look great – it does appear he may have been skipping-out on his leg workouts though.

 

And while I’m sure the sanctuary treats him well, its pretty obvious he’d be more at home in Jurassic Park than some damn Australian kangaroo sanctuary. I mean, is this the perfect pet for Barry Bonds or what? All I know is, if this guy ever gets busted for illegal performance enhancing drugs, I don’t wanna be his cellmate. That said, and to be completely fair, Roger is vehemently denying any doping allegations. Hell, a friend of mine even wanted to know if he could hire Roger to beat up his ex-mother-in-law.

 

On the other hand, if it were up to me, I’d put a helmet on him and let him play in the backfield for Denver this Sunday. Of course I suppose that would mean he’d end up having all the Kardashians chasing after him. Anyway, all joking aside, I have a very strong feeling that one day Roger may end up becoming governor of California.

 

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Conspiracy Theorists Say Ancient Statue Proves Time-Travel

Feb. 05, 2016

Ancient Greek LaptopConspiracy Theorists Say Ancient Statue Proves Time-Travel: Time-travel social media outlets are having a field-day over an ancient Greek statue from 100 BC currently on display at the J. Paul Getty Museum in Malibu which appears to depict a young girl holding up what conspiracy theorists are convinced is a laptop – complete with USB ports.

 

I’m not so sure, its all Greek to me. Hell, for all I know, this could be a sculpture depicting the first pizza home delivery. Meanwhile, technology experts say if this is a laptop, its obviously a PC, because its way too thick too be a Mac. The device appears to be running Windows-100BC and sadly, they’ve been waiting all this time for Windows to finally boot up.

 

Paranormal investigators argue its clearly a computer of some kind, the proof being that the adult is obviously asking the child to explain how to her to use it. The woman seems to be telling the child “now come help mommy, my screen’s frozen.”

 

You wanna talk “hard drives” – why this damn thing’s made out of stone! And good luck trying to find an outlet once the batteries wear down. That said, one thing’s for sure, you can bet their WiFi signal is one hell of a lot better than what I’m getting here at Starbucks this evening.

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Ted Cruz Super PAC Misspells Country in Banner Ad

Feb. 04, 2016

Cruz AdTed Cruz Super PAC Misspells Country in Banner Ad: A banner ad by the Ted Cruz super PAC “Courageous Conservatives” had to be taken down after it was discovered that the word “country” had been spelled “Counrty.” Guess that must be the Canadian spelling, but no big deal, its highly unlikely any Cruz supporters would ever recognize a misspelled word anyway. Besides, the science is still out on spelling. Embarrassed campaign staffers say they would have spelled it differently, but “Cuntry” was already being used by Donald Trump.

 

SharksCosta Rica Bans Shark Finning: Costa Rica President Luis Guillermo Solís has just signed an executive order banning “shark finning” in the Central American nation’s coastal waters, closing loopholes in an existing law. In return, the sharks have agreed to eat significantly less surfers in the coming year.

 

Red WineMan Dies at 107 Thanking Red Wine For Long Life: A 107-year-old man who recently died in north-western Spain, attributed the fact that he had such a long life to red wine. Yet another example of “better red than dead.

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Punxsutawney Phil Predicts Early Spring

Feb. 03, 2016

Punxsutawney PhilPunxsutawney Phil Predicts Early Spring: The handlers of one of Pennsylvania’s most famous citizens, Punxsutawney Phil, report that the groundhog failed to see his shadow, which by tradition means we’ll have an early spring. In related news, Donald Trump got off the plane in New Hampshire, saw his shadow, which generally means we’re in for at least 6 more weeks of BS.

 

Thailand Tourist GoredScottish Tourist Gored by Thai Elephant: Thai authorities say a Scottish tourist has been gored to death by an elephant that he was riding on the resort island of Samui. When pressed for more details, Thai police would only say that the elephant “kilt” the unfortunate Scot.

 

Bacterial GlueNew Bacterial Glue for Concrete Structures: Researchers sat they have developed a bacteria that produce a kind of glue that can fill in the cracks in concrete structures. Let’s just hope it works as planned. It’d be a shame if we ended up having to put all our concrete structures on antibiotics.

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