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Saturday December 16 2017

Sen Graham Sees 70% Chance Trump Will Attack North Korea

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Dec. 15, 2017

Sen Graham Sees 70% Chance Trump Will Attack North Korea:  Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-SC) has told the Atlantic that there is a 70% chance President Trump will attack Pyongyang if it conducts another nuclear test.  My first thought was, where exactly is Sen. Graham getting that 70% figure?  I mean, why not 72.64%?  And then it occurred to me, its because THIS President does NOT do fractions.

 

Republican Warns Reducing Carbon Emissions Will Kill All Plants:  Republican state Sen. Jerry Sonnenberg of Colorado argues that liberal environmental measures to reduce carbon emissions will kill off all plant life on Earth because “trees and plants use carbon dioxide to create oxygen.”  Excellent point – I mean, everyone knows there were no such thing as plants and trees and before we started burning all those fossil fuels in our cars, factories and power plants.

 

California Warns People to Limit Exposure to Cellphones:  Despite the fact that most scientists have dismissed any potential link between cellphone radio waves and cancer as utterly unproven and downright implausible – the California Department of Public Health (CDPH) a lawsuit has forced the state to issue a warning to residents to limit their exposure to cellphones whenever possible.  Gee, then I guess we can all thank our lucky stars that the core of the earth isn’t made of iron and nickel and constantly emitting a strong electromagnetic field all around us.

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Study Finds Clean Sheets Huge Turn-On For Women

Dec. 14, 2017

Study Finds Clean Sheets Huge Turn-On For Women:  In a study of more than 2,000 men and women, researchers found that next to losing weight, clean bed sheets topped the list of things that make women feel in the mood for sex.  Not surprisingly, this was found to be especially true for female members of the Ku Klux Klan.

 

Giant Human-Size Penguins Once Roamed New Zealand:  According to new research, giant penguins – standing well over 5 feet tall roamed New Zealand some 60 million years ago.  Scientists are quick to point out, however, that because there were no cellphones 60 million years ago, these penguins wouldn’t have been subject to roaming charges.

 

Needles Found in Sandwiches on Delta Flight:  Delta Airlines and the FBI are trying to determine how sewing needles found their way into four turkey sandwiches that were served on flights from Amsterdam to the United States.  While no one was injured, officials say only a big prick would pull a stunt like this.

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Doug Jones Defeats Roy Moore in Alabama Senate Contest

Dec. 13, 2017

Doug Jones Defeats Roy Moore in Alabama Senate Contest:  Doug Jones, who made his name by prosecuting two former KKK members who bombed a black church, has won a stunning victory in the Alabama Senate race – the first Democrat to win such a seat in the state for 25 years.  Of course, I realize the Moore camp has asked for a recount, but no matter how you look at the numbers – she was still only 14.

 

Kremlin Interrupting Trump’s Tweets as Official Statements:  According to Kremlin spokesman Dmitry Peskov, President Trump’s tweets are being reported to Russian President Vladimir Putin, right along with other information about the United States, as official statements by the American President.  I get that.  Hell, at this point in his Presidency, we may as well start considering Trump’s farts as “official statements.”

 

British Surgeon Guilty of Branding His Initials On Livers:  In what prosecutors call “a case without legal precedent in criminal law,” a British surgeon is scheduled to be sentenced for assault on two patients, after pleading guilty to branding his initials onto their livers with an electric beam during transplant surgery.  Geez, this guy is like Hannibal Lecter, makes you wonder what the hell else he’s been up to?  It would be just my luck that I’d end up with a surgeon who also fancies himself as a graffiti artist.  Now I’m starting to get a little bit concerned about that vasectomy I had a few years ago.

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Navy Flight Crew Grounded After Pilot Draws Penis in Sky

Dec. 11, 2017

Navy Flight Crew Grounded After Pilot Draws Penis in Sky:  The Navy has apologized and announced it has grounded an aircrew from the Naval Air Station in Whidbey Island, Washington, after its pilots drew a giant penis in the sky with fighter jet exhaust.

 

All I can say is, those Navy pilots really know how to come up with unique ways to “penetrate” enemy defenses!  Now in World War II, they used to go around drawing “Kilroy was here!” all over the place.  Well, it looks like Kilroy is back, only this time, he’s exposed his penis.  That said, I’m not surprised to see this.  Pilots always were kind of cocky.  This gives new urgency to poor Tattoo from Fantasy Island screaming “De plane! De plane!”

 

Now admittedly, my first thought was – gee, has Anthony Weiner gotten himself out of jail and joined the Navy?  Of course, in the pilot’s defense – maybe he was just trying to draw a self-portrait.  On a positive note, President Trump announced he’s just issued an executive order promoting all the crew members to the Navy rank of Rear Admiral.  And thank you for your service!

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Roy Moore Says Maybe Putin Right to Condemn Gay Marriage

Dec. 09, 2017

Roy Moore Says Maybe Putin Right to Condemn Gay Marriage:  In a recent interview with the Guardian, controversial Republican Senate candidate Roy Moore told a reporter that he thinks “maybe Putin is right” to condemn same-sex marriage.  I hate to say it, but Judge Moore does have a point.  I mean, how’s a public servant supposed to have time to chase underage girls around the malls if all his time is taken up marrying a bunch of gays?

 

Scientists Recreate Tyrannosaurus Rex Sound:  While the fearsome roar of a Tyrannosaurus Rex on screen is plenty scary enough, naturalist Chris Packham and Vertebrate Paleontology professor Julia Clarke are using high tech devices to recreate the T-Rex’s sound – and they say it’s much more frightening than the way it’s been portrayed in the movies.  Now let me see, I hear a loud, vulgar, disgusting beast with tiny little hands – whatever could it be?

 

Apple Is Reportedly Looking To Buy Shazam For A Cool $400 Million:  Apple is reportedly in the final stages of acquiring the music recognition app Shazam for the sum of $400 million.  I guess that must mean that while Apple has all these songs to sell over at their iTunes Store, they have no idea what they are and they’re hoping Shazam will be able to tell them.

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CERN Physicists Conclude Universe Shouldn’t Exist

Dec. 08, 2017

CERN Physicists Conclude Universe Shouldn’t Exist: Physicists say that all of their observations have found complete symmetry between matter and antimatter, which is why the universe should not actually exist.  I don’t know about the universe, but I do have trouble understanding why places like Cleveland exist.

 

Drunk Texas Woman Calls 911 For Cigarettes:  A drunk woman in Texas ran out of cigarettes while drinking beer with her boyfriend and called 911 to ask if a police officer could deliver a pack to her.  I hate to sound critical, but this is precisely what happens when management unilaterally decides to remove the cigarette machines from trailer park rec-rooms.

 

RadioShack Closing 1,100 Additional U.S. Stores:  RadioShack said that it expects to close up to 1,100 U.S. stores, or about 20% of its footprint, while reporting an ever-widening profit loss.  This, of course, comes as quite a shock to those of us who had no idea RadioShack was even still in business.

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