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Wednesday May 04 2016

Trump Links Cruz’s Father to Kennedy Assassination

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May. 03, 2016

Donald TrumpTrump Links Cruz’s Father to Kennedy Assassination:  In a recent appearance on “Fox & Friends,” Republican frontrunner Donald Trump linked former GOP presidential candidate Ted Cruz’s father Rafael Cruz to Lee Harvey Oswald and the Kennedy assassination.


The Kennedy assassination?  Sounds like Trump may have been smoking a bit too much of that “grassy knoll.”  Personally, I don’t believe the assassination allegations, simply because I find it impossible to believe even hardened assassins would have anything to do with Cruz or his father.


But if he’s really serious about this, it would mean Trump is not only a candidate for political office – but also a terrific candidate for psychiatric evaluation.  All I know is, when someone like Ted Cruz starts sounding like the sane one, the Republicans have some serious problems.  Political analysts say if Trump wins in November, it’ll be the first time a president selects his White House Press Secretary from the National Enquirer.


Of course, there’s always the possibility that Trump is simply confusing Lee Harvey Oswald with Patton Oswalt.  But this story did come from the internet, so it must be true.  Makes you wonder if Trump has insider information like this, I’ll bet he also knows what happened to Jimmy Hoffa.  If I were him, I’d put some of those top-notch investigators he used to get at the truth behind Obama’s birth certificate on the case.  Who knows what they might find?  Maybe Hillary was involved with helping NASA fake the moon landing.

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Fundamentalist Group Sending Men Into Target’s Women’s Restrooms

May. 02, 2016

Armed ManFundamentalist Group Sending Men Into Target’s Women’s Restrooms:  The Director of Government Affairs at the American Family Association (AFA) says it’s started sending men into the women’s restrooms at Target stores to test its barriers after the retail giant announced that its facilities will be transgender friendly.  I kind of see their point.  What could be more comforting to women than to know should any problems arise, there’s a right-wing male religious fanatic inside their restroom, ready to come to their aid?


StarbucksLawsuit Claims Starbucks’ Iced Drinks Have Too Much Ice:  A Starbucks customer from Chicago has filed a $5 million lawsuit against the coffee chain, accusing it of using too much ice in its cold drinks.  What an absolutely ridiculous amount of money they’re asking for!  Why $5 million only buys about two venti Mocha Lattes.


Donald TrumpTrump Accuses China of Raping America:  In a typical Donald Trump rant, the GOP frontrunner told a receptive audience in Indiana that “we can’t continue to allow China to rape our country.”  In response, Chinese President Xi Jinping said America has been dressing like it’s been asking for it.

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John McCain Political Consultant Busted for Meth Lab

May. 01, 2016

Meth LabJohn McCain Political Consultant Busted for Meth Lab:  The Maricopa County Sheriff’s Department in Arizona has uncovered an active meth lab, along with quantities of LSD, cocaine, heroin, methamphetamine, $7,000 in loose currency as well as a stash of counterfeit money at the home of John McCain political fundraiser and event consultant Emily Pitha.


Good grief, what was their campaign slogan – “Let’s Meth America Great Again?”  Say what you want, but thank goodness we have these Republican meth dealers and sexual predators like Dennis Hastert around to remind us how impoverished Mexican immigrants coming here looking for work are ruining the country.


All I can say is, it’s a damn shame a woman like her has to work more than one job, just to make ends meet.  And like all good Republican women, she spent a lot of time cooking up stuff in the kitchen.  So what?  Sure, we all realize that making and selling meth is wrong, but let’s be honest here and admit that without drugs like methamphetamines, there could be no Ann Coulter.


All this leads me to wonder if perhaps John McCain may have been attending one of Ms Pitha’s “fundraisers” when he got the brilliant idea to pick Sarah Palin as his running mate.  One thing’s for sure, we no longer have to guess where John McCain gets all that energy for his age.  Hell, with all those drugs around, he may as well change his name from McCain to McCocaine.


And considering all that counterfeit money police found in Ms Pitha’s home, it might not be a bad idea for McCain to take a closer look at some of those “cash contributions” she raised for him.  What’s interesting to me is how John McCain has seemingly evolved from a Sarah Palin up to a meth dealer.  And while I’m no big John McCain fan, I do have to give him credit, at least his judgment does seem to have improved a bit.

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Astronomers Find First Tailless Comet

Apr. 30, 2016

CometAstronomers Find First Tailless Comet:  Astronomers say they have found a first-of-its-kind tailless comet whose composition may offer clues into long-standing questions about the solar system’s formation and evolution.  Ironically, when scientists first observed the object, they weren’t exactly sure what it was, so they decided to put a tail on it.  Researchers say they were very lucky to find it before someone like Bruce Willis tries to destroy it.  When asked about the comet, Ted Cruz told reporters that even though the comet is tailless, he doesn’t believe it should require a separate bathroom, adding that he would feel completely comfortable if the comet came into the same restroom as his daughters.


Draft RegistrationWomen May Soon Have to Register for Military Draft:  The House Armed Services Committee has just approved a measure that would require women to register for the military draft.  Oddly, the House bill will also require all men 18 or over, who are about to be married, register at either a Nordstrom, Pottery Barn or Bed, Bath and Beyond registry.


Red MeatStudy Says Red Meat Laden Diet Speeds Up the Aging Process:  New research warns that a diet based on red meat could significantly accelerate the body’s biological aging process.  Great, now just how am I supposed to break this to my cat?

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Study Finds Women with Larger Butts are Smarter and Healthier

Apr. 29, 2016

Big ButtStudy Finds Women with Larger Butts are Smarter and Healthier:  A new study from the University of Oxford determined that women with larger than average butts are not only more intelligent, but also very resistant to chronic illnesses.  In related news, Oxford University has announced they will award Kim Kardashian an honorary doctorate for her contributions to medical science.


Roman CoinsSpanish Construction Workers Find 600 Kilos of Roman Coins:  Local officials report that construction workers have found 600 kilos (1,300 pounds) of ancient Roman coins while carrying out routine work on water pipes in southern Spain.  Researchers believe this may very well have been the booty for someone who knocked off an ancient Roman parking meter.


CERN ColliderWeasel Shuts Down CERN Collider:  The Large Hadron Collider, the world’s most powerful scientific instrument, went offline after a weasel fell into the machinery causing a “severe electrical perturbation,” temporarily shutting off the collider.  CERN officials say all systems were working perfectly until all of a sudden it was like “pop, goes the weasel!”

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Female Terrorists Getting Exploding Breast Implants

Apr. 28, 2016

Female TerroristFemale Terrorists Getting Exploding Breast Implants:  British spy satellites have intercepted terrorist communications from Pakistan and Yemen, discussing women suicide bombers getting explosives fitted inside breast implants.  Intelligence agencies warn that anyone who tries anything like this will surely get busted.


Elderly WomanElderly Woman Arrested for Feeding Bears and Threatening Police:  An 81-year-old retired teacher in Florida has been arrested after she repeatedly ignored a judge’s order to stop feeding black bears and then threatened police officers when they arrived at her home to arrest her.  Ironically, her entire dilemma could have been avoided had she instead chose to feed the cops and threaten the bears.


DinosaursResearch Finds Dinosaurs Slept Like We Do:  New research suggests that dinosaurs may have experienced all the same stages of sleep as humans, leading scientists to conclude that they likely slept the same way we do.  Fascinating!  Wonder what number they used on their Sleep Number Beds?

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