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Tuesday September 02 2014

Prehistoric Flutes Found in German Cave

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Sep. 01, 2014

Prehistoric FlutesPrehistoric Flutes Found in German Cave:  A new report in the Journal of Human Evolution determined that prehistoric flutes found in a cave in southwestern Germany date back 42,000 years.  Archeologists say they can’t be sure what type of music these cavemen played on the flutes, but I think “rock” music is a pretty safe bet.

 

Jennifer LawrenceJennifer Lawrence’s Nude Photos Leak Online:  The FBI said Monday it was addressing allegations that online accounts of several celebrities, including Oscar-winner Jennifer Lawrence, had been hacked, leading to the posting of their nude photographs online.  In related news, three FBI agents shot each other in a dispute over who gets to work this case.  On a personal note, I’ve found that the best way to prevent nude photos of me from surfacing on the internet is to not take any nude photos.

 

Toilet PaperJapan Urges Stockpiling of Toilet Paper:  After recent disasters such as earthquakes and tidal waves, the Japanese government has launched a new campaign for their “Disaster Prevention Day,” asking citizens to be sure to stockpile toilet paper in the event of another emergency.  That way everyone will be ready the next time the Fukushima hits the fan.

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Heart Attack Victim’s Chest Too Hairy to Use Defibrillator

Aug. 31, 2014

DefibrillatorHeart Attack Victim’s Chest Too Hairy to Use Defibrillator:  The widow of a man who suffered a massive heat attack while on board a Southwest Airlines flight from Los Angeles to Albuquerque claim that a flight attendant told her a heart defibrillator couldn’t be used because the man’s chest was too hairy.  Too hairy for a defibrillator?  Who the hell was this guy, Sasquatch?  Oh well, guess its just another case of “hair today, gone tomorrow.”

 

Diana Wedding CakeSlice of Princess Diana’s Wedding Cake Sold:  A private collector paid $1375 for a slice of Princess Diana’s and Prince Charles original 33-year-old wedding cake, still in its original wax paper and presentation box.  Well if that doesn’t take the cake!  Now all they need is a 33 year old cup of coffee to wash it all down.

 

Armored truckArmored Truck Overturns Spilling Bags of Money:  An armored truck driving in Cranston, Rhode Island, caused quite a stir when it overturned in the road, spilling bags of money all over the road.  Police have warned citizens against keeping the money, but onlookers say its all legal based on the Supreme Court’s ruling in the “Finders v. Keepers” decision.

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Stolen Rolex Watches Found in Thieves’ Vaginas

Aug. 30, 2014

Rolex TheivesStolen Rolex Watches Found in Thieves’ Vaginas:  Authorities say a pair of Rolex watches valued at $12,000 and $4,000 stolen from a two men in a Las Vegas hotel room have been recovered after police found them inside the thieves’ vaginas.  Guess you could say those girls just “snatched” those watches.  Experts say that while the watches are in good working condition, they’ll probably have to be reclassified as Holex watches.

 

Underewar OverdoseInmate Dies From Eating His Cellmate’s Drug-Soaked Underwear:  A Kentucky jail inmate has been charged with murder after allegedly smuggling methadone-laced underpants into jail and handing them to a cellmate, who overdosed after eating them.  I can just hear the poor man crying out “oh Lord, please don’t let me die this way!  The family says because of the circumstances surrounding his death, he’ll be buried without any underwear on.

 

Plastic Bag BanCalifornia Passes Plastic Bag Ban:  The California state legislature enacted a ban on plastic grocery bags near the end of its two-year session, a measure that if signed into law, would become the first of its kind in America.  Wonder if the new law will include a ban on condoms?  Aren’t they a kind of plastic bag?

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Brother and Sister Arrested Having Sex in Church Parking Lot

Aug. 29, 2014

Brother and SisterBrother and Sister Arrested Having Sex in Church Parking Lot:  A brother and sister have been arrested in Effingham County, Georgia for aggravated sodomy after having sex in a semi truck parked in a church parking lot across the street from a high school.  Makes you wonder just what the the effing hell is going on in Effingham County?  I guess we can only hope that he wasn’t screaming out “who’s your daddy?”

 

ManateeManatees May Lose Endangered Status:  The U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service is reviewing whether to remove the manatee from endangered species status.  In related news, Manischewitz says its in no danger of losing its status as one of the preferred wines for anyone looking for a cheap drunk.

 

Cox CommunicationsAT&T Suing Cox Communications:  AT&T is suing Cox Communications for infringing eight patents dealing with network quality after the regional cable provider ignored its complaints about the issue and made “billions” off of the technology.  In the suit, AT&T describes the Cox management a bunch of dicks.

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Two Women Arrested for Meth Lab in Church Kitchen

Aug. 28, 2014

Church Meth LabTwo Women Arrested for Meth Lab in Church Kitchen:  Two Illinois women have been arrested for allegedly manufacturing methamphetamine inside the kitchen of a rural church.  Holy smoke, sounds like they must have been Crystal Methodists.  Religious scholars say that’s what can happen when you substitute the King James bible for the Rick James bible.  In their defense, how else is the congregation supposed to stay awake during those long sermons?

 

Brain WavesControlling Computer With Brain Waves:  Scientists say they are developing ways of controlling computers and robots with your thoughts instead of a mouse or a joystick.  The bad news is that this will most likely result in 50% of America’s computers automatically being directed toward porn sites.

 

Old Man on BikeAging Motorcycle Ridership Worries Industry:  New statistics show that the average age of motorcycle riders has increased to age 45 in 2012, worrying manufacturers and sellers that their customers may soon become too old to ride.  I understand their concern.  I’m pretty sure Harley’s aren’t covered by Medicare.  In response, Harley-Davidson announced they plan to introduce modifications to their traditional sidecar to include a portable defibrillator, Geritol dispenser and optional private-duty nurse.

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Texas Family Finds Nearly Complete Mammoth Skeleton

Aug. 27, 2014

MammothTexas Family Finds Nearly Complete Mammoth Skeleton:  Scientists say a 20,000- to 40,000-year-old mammoth discovered by a North Texas family on their farm is believed to be a female because of the length of the tusks and its wide pelvic bones.  Wide pelvic bones?  Hell, it sounds more like they’ve dug up a Kardashian than a mammoth.

 

100-Pound ScrotumMichigan Man to Have 100-Pound Scrotum Mass Removed:  A Michigan man whose swollen scrotum had grown to a weight of nearly 100 pounds over the last ten years, says he has finally raised enough funds to have the operation.  Wow, a 100-pound scrotum?  That’s just nuts!

 

99-PackAustin-Based Brewery Launches 99-Pack of Beer:  Beer packaging has just gotten a lot bigger in Texas, where a small brewery is launching a 7-foot-long, 99-pack of its “Peacemaker” ale.  And, to address critics concerns, ever 99-pack comes with a local Alcoholics Anonymous meeting guide.

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