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Tuesday February 20 2018

Man’s Flatulence Forces Plane to Make Emergency Landing

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Feb. 19, 2018

Man’s Flatulence Forces Plane to Make Emergency Landing:  A Transavia flight from Dubai to Amsterdam was forced to make an emergency landing in Vienna after two Dutch passengers picked a fight with another passenger – who wouldn’t stop breaking wind during the flight.

 

Wow – sounds like terrorism has really hit a new low with this.  But come on, why didn’t those Dutch guys just open a few windows rather than make a big stink about it?  Kind of makes you long for the good old days when they just had “snakes on a plane.”  Folks, here’s a free travel tip – never eat beans, hot dogs, burritos, hard-boiled eggs or broccoli before boarding a plane!

 

Of course, Transavia immediately issued a statement saying that they stand “firmly behind” the cabin crew and pilot’s decision to remove the Dutch passengers who started the fight.  OK, that’s easy enough, but the real test is – will any of them dare to stand “firmly behind” that farting passenger?  Talk about “the wind beneath my wings.”

 

I can see it all now, “this is your captain speaking, due to unfavorable tailwinds, we’ll be making an emergency landing in Vienna and, because we have flatulent passengers onboard – we’re recommending that seat cushions on this flight should probably NOT be considered as a flotation device.”

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Trump EPA Chief Has Unusual Waiver to Fly in First Class

Feb. 18, 2018

Trump EPA Chief Has Unusual Waiver to Fly in First Class:  The Environmental Protection Agency is refusing to release the written waiver that allows Administrator Scott Pruitt to fly regularly in first or business class for security reasons – a practice that sets him apart both from his predecessors and other current Cabinet members.  I get it – I mean, if you’re the head of an agency promoting a clean environment, the last thing you wanna do is be associated with all that disgusting filth sitting back in coach.

 

Bill Gates Announces Foundation to Focus on Conquering Polio:  Bill Gates announced that one of the top priorities of his foundation will be to finally completely wipe out polio.  If successful conquering polio, Gate’s will then focus on ridding humanity of what he considers to be an even bigger plight – the Mac Operating System.

 

 

Man Holds Up Waffle House With Pitchfork:  Police have arrested a man who used a pitchfork to rob a Waffle House restaurant just northeast of Atlanta.  So I’m asking myself “why on earth would anyone commit a robbery with a pitchfork?”  And then it hit me – the devil made him do it.

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Laura Ingraham Thinks Athletes Should Shut Up and Dribble

Feb. 17, 2018

Laura Ingraham Thinks Athletes Should Shut Up and Dribble:  Fox News host Laura Ingraham is being accused of racism after she replied to NBA star LeBron James’ statement that “Donald Trump doesn’t “give a f**k about the people” by saying athletes like him should stay out of politics and just “shut up and dribble.”  Now let’s see here, we have a loud-mouthed reality star, a bully, a pathological liar, a serial philanderer and misogynist and – possibly even a traitor currently sitting in the White House.  Given that, I think I’d rather listen to LeBron James’ thoughts and concerns about the world situation anytime before I would Donald Trump’s.  Gee, wonder if Laura Ingraham’s ever suggested that Donald Trump “shut up?”

 

Apple Employees Repeatedly Walking Into Glass Walls on New Campus:  While Apple’s new spaceship campus if a sight to behold, Bloomberg is reporting that distracted employees are repeatedly banging into Apple’s glass-walled workspaces.  The situation has reportedly become so bad, that many female employees are now begging Apple to please return back to the old “glass ceiling” days, just to protect themselves from further concussions.

 

NRA Claiming Florida School Shooter Was Mentally Ill:  As they tend to do every time there is a mass killing, the NRA and gun advocates are once again claiming the shooter (Nikolas Cruz) was mentally ill and what we need are more mental health services, not gun regulations.  Now I rarely find myself in agreement with the NRA, but now that pics and videos are surfacing showing Nikolas Cruz wearing a “Make America Great” cap, I’m inclined to agree with them that he must be mentally ill.

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US Education Secretary Says Schools Have Option to Arm Teachers

Feb. 16, 2018

US Education Secretary Says Schools Have Option to Arm Teachers:  In response to the recent Florida high school shooting, US Education Secretary Betsy DeVos told reporters that “schools do have the option of arming teachers.”

 

Interesting idea, especially when you consider most US schools don’t even have adequate funding to purchase pencils, paper or text books, but I guess there’s always plenty of money around when it comes to buying guns.

 

My question is, why stop with just arming the teachers?  After all, let’s not forget that about the only thing that can stop a “bad guy” with a gun – is a “good teenager” with a loaded gun.  So my suggestion is, let’s arm every school child in America with an AR15 semi-automatic rifle – but of course, for the sake of safety, only after they’ve acquired sufficient strength to allow them to pull the trigger.

 

As for training the kids to use these lethal weapons – how about forgoing those worthless civics classes and have them watch violent video games or perhaps Quentin Tarantino movies instead?  That ought to teach them just about everything they’ll ever need to know about gun safety.

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Trump Proposes Cutting 248 Meteorologists from Tornado Alley

Feb. 15, 2018

Trump Proposes Cutting 248 Meteorologists from Tornado Alley:  President Trump is proposing gutting the National Weather Service in an area of the country that depends on forecasters and meteorologists to protect them from extreme weather events such as tornados.  On a positive note, the President promised that should a horrific storm manage to sneak up on them without warning – rendering massive devastation and death to the area, he’ll ask the rest of the country to send lots of “thoughts and prayers” their way.

 

Study Finds Milky Way Galaxy Will Not Be Eaten By Andromeda:  Scientists say new research is showing that our own Milky Way galaxy will not be eaten by our closest neighbor galaxy Andromeda as was previously thought.  A NASA spokesperson said our tests indicate the Andromeda galaxy is most likely lactose intolerant, so consuming a Milky Way galaxy would not be a smart food choice for our neighbor Andromeda.

 

Musk’s Tesla Will Stay in Space for Millions of Years:  Analysis by Czech and Canadian researchers determined that the Tesla roadster Elon Musk launched into space is likely to stay there for tens of millions of years before finally crashing into either Earth or Venus.  Automotive experts are quick to caution anyone hoping to snag themselves a cheap Tesla at that time – that the warranty and any price incentives will most likely have long run out on the vehicle by then.

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Inventor Hopes to Father Children With His Sex Robot

Feb. 14, 2018

Inventor Hopes to Father Children With His Sex Robot:  Spanish scientist and sex robot inventor Dr. Sergio Santos claims it’s only a matter of time before marriages between humans and robots become the norm and that the next logical step would be to have children with these robots.  While I like to think of myself as a fairly open-minded person, this does create one helluva lot of unanswered ethical questions like – do you raise the kids to be iOS or Android?  Or, should the sex robot’s lithium-ion batteries happen to catch fire during pregnancy, do you try and save the child or your house?  And finally, is it OK to pay female sex robots only 70% of what male sex robots make?

 

Lions in South Africa Kill And Eat Suspected Poacher:  According to a report out of South Africa, a suspected poacher was found dead last week after being killed and partially eaten by lions.  Wow, Bon Appetite, guys!  Talk about “justice being served!”  Guess we don’t need to ask who got the lion’s share of him – they ALL did.  Ironically, authorities say the lions only ate about half of the poacher – which seems kind of wasteful to me.  I mean, that’s almost enough meat to feed a guy like Jeffrey Dahmer for an entire week.

 

Donald Trump Declares He’s Totally Opposed to Domestic Violence:  After praising his former staff secretary Rob Porter who was forced to resign after his two ex-wives accused him of domestic violence, Donald Trump finally addressed the issue, telling reporters that he is “totally opposed to domestic violence.”  Well hopefully, that little confession won’t totally disillusion his hard-core followers.  I mean – come on!  If being a pompous, narcissistic, racist, sexist, homophobic, traitorous, sleazy grifter of a crook isn’t enough for them – just what is?

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