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Friday August 22 2014

Couples Who Share Housework Have More Sex

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Aug. 21, 2014

Happy couple doing the dishesCouples Who Share Housework Have More Sex:  A new study found that couples who share housework have the most sex and best sex lives.  I’m not so sure about that.  Arnold Schwarzenegger didn’t do housework and even had a maid cleaning his house, yet he appears to have been getting plenty of sex.

StonerMan Named Stoner Busted for Pot Plants:  A 42-year-old Virginia man with the last name Stoner is facing drug charges after police found more than $10,000 worth of marijuana plants at his home.  Police arrested the man even though he claimed that he didn’t do anything bong.

Jenna JamesonJenna Jameson Busted for DUI:  Former adult film star Jenna Jameson has been arrested in Southern California for investigation of driving under the influence after wrapping her vehicle around a light pole.  Jameson, on the other hand, claims she was just practicing her pole dancing.  Either way, perhaps its time for her to cut back a bit on the old Jameson bottle.

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Woman Sings Opera to Chase Away Lion Stalking Her

Aug. 20, 2014

Mountain LionWoman Sings Opera to Chase Away Lion Stalking Her:  A 40-year-old woman was hiking on a trial in Colorado when a mountain lion began relentlessly stalking her and wouldn’t go away despite what she did until she began singing opera songs as loud as she could.  Well, they say its never over until the fat lady sings.

Monster AlligatorAlabama Family Kills Monster Alligator:  An Alabama family has killed a huge alligator on a family alligator hunt which weighed a record 1,011.5 pounds and measured 15 feet long.  And to think I used to believe that my family’s outings were really strange.  In my mind its one thing to worry about eating too much at a family gathering, but its quite another when you need to worry about being eating at a family gathering.

PigsPig-Killing Virus Threatens US Pork Supply:  Pork prices have spiked 14 percent in the past year, due in large part to the 7 million casualties from the Porcine Epidemic Diarrhea virus which is sweeping through America’s hog farms, causing massive die-offs among piglets.  In related news, Kevin Bacon has reportedly gone into hiding.

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Elderly Man Fights Gardener Who Won’t Cut His Weeds

Aug. 19, 2014

Flower GardenElderly Man Fights Gardener Who Won’t Cut His Weeds:  An elderly Florida man is facing felony battery charges after he allegedly attacked his gardener who refused to trim the weeds from his flower beds.  That’s no way to weed out the bad gardeners.  Police say the gardener is lucky he’s not pushing up daisies.  You’d think he could have at least sent the gardener some of those flowers to try and patch things up.

Bullet TrainCalifornia High-Speed Rail to Tunnel Under San Gabriel Mountains:  California’s new controversial $67.6 billion high-speed rail project announced plans to send trains into a tunnel under the San Gabriel Mountains.  Unfortunately, as with many government projects, no plans have – as yet – been developed to come out the other side.

 

SuitcasesMan Pleads Not Guilty to Stuffing Bodies into Suitcases:  A former police officer pleaded not guilty to charges of stuffing the bodies of two women into separate suitcases and then dumping the luggage in a roadside ditch in Wisconsin.  If convicted, he could be sent to prison and get charged extra baggage fees as the airlines don’t consider bodies stuffed into suitcases as carry-ons.

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Human Health on Mars Mission Discussed

Aug. 18, 2014

Mission to MarsHuman Health on Mars Mission Discussed:  Scientists warn that future astronauts spending time on the surface of Mars may face radiation exposure levels that could increase the risk of DNA damage, cardiac arrhythmia, reduced stability and performance, sensory impairments and demineralization of bone tissue.  Yea, and good luck trying to find a decent specialist to treat any of those conditions when you’re on Mars.

 

2014 Creative Arts Emmy Awards - ArrivalsHeidi Klum Stuns in Dress Made of Strings:  Heidi Klum stunned as she arrived at the Creative Arts Emmy Awards in a dress made entirely of tiny strings by “Project Runway” contestant Sean Kelly.  Now I’m no physicist, but I’m suddenly starting to take an interest in “string theory.”

Morgue AttendentMorgue Attendant Admits To Sex With 100 Dead Women:  Federal officials say that an Ohio morgue attendant has admitted to having sex with at least 100 corpses while on the job.  Wow, I’m simply mortified!  This is becoming a grave situation.  I’m serious about that – in fact, dead serious.  Police say the man told them that “occasionally, he just needs a stiff one to help him get through the morning.”

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Woman Kicked in Head After Climbing Into Giraffe Enclosure

Aug. 17, 2014

Woman Kicked by GiraffeWoman Kicked in Head After Climbing Into Giraffe Enclosure:  A 24-year-old California woman has been fined $686 for harassment of zoo animals after climbing into the giraffe enclosure at the Madison, Wisconsin zoo and getting kicked in the face by a 12-foot-tall giraffe.  The woman told police that she climbed into the exhibit “because she loves giraffes.”  Yea, well I think it’s reasonably safe to assume that the feeling wasn’t mutual.  Kind of makes you wonder, didn’t anyone watch Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom when they were kids?  Or, as John Lennon once sang, “instant karma’s gonna get you – gonna knock you right on the head.”

Rolf BuchholzDubai Turns Away World’s Most Pierced Man:  A 53-year-old German man, who sports 453 piercings plus two horns on his forehead and who books himself as the world’s most pierced man, has been barred from Dubai, where he was turned back at the airport on his way to a hotel appearance because Dubai associates his appearance with Black Magic.  Black Magic?  Hell, it looks more like he tried to swallow the contents of his fishing tackle box – but failed.

Grumpy CatInternet Icon Grumpy Cat Gets Movie Deal:  Internet sensation Grumpy Cat is reportedly off to Vancouver, British Columbia, to shoot a Lifetime movie, Grumpy Cat’s Worst Christmas Ever, which will air on Lifetime Nov. 29.  A Grumpy Cat movie?  You gotta be kitten me?  Critics say if Grumpy Cat’s movie is successful, the world will be her litter box.  Some scoff, but the way I look at it, this cat’s owner is getting filthy rich – simply by owning a really odd looking cat – which is really inspiring for lazy bastards like me.

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Woman Arrested With 3.7 Pounds of Cocaine in Breast Implants

Aug. 16, 2014

Breast ImplantsWoman Arrested With 3.7 Pounds of Cocaine in Breast Implants:  A 43-year-old Venezuelan woman has been apprehended at Madrid International Airport with 3.7 pounds of cocaine in her breast implants.  After confronting the woman, police say it became obvious that she had something she desperately wanted to get off her chest.  Legal experts say if this keeps up, it could completely rewrite our definition of the term “drug bust.”

 

SeaWorldS&P Downgrades SeaWorld Credit Rating: Standard and Poor’s has lowered SeaWorld’s credit rating amid all the negative publicity over its treatment of killer whales.  Financial analysts say that while a lowered credit rating may hurt, it’s unlikely to send their finances completely underwater.

 

Prolonged SittingStudy Outlines Dangers of Prolonged Sitting:  A new study found that Americans are sitting way too much and that prolonged sitting can shorten your life by 2 hours for every hour spent sitting.  So ladies, the next time a gentlemen offers you his seat, ask him “what are you trying to do, kill me?”

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