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Friday August 26 2016

Usain Bolt Brought 10 Women Up to His London Hotel Room

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Aug. 26, 2016

Bolt's GirlsUsain Bolt Brought 10 Women Up to His London Hotel Room:  People Magazine is reporting that Olympic gold medal sprinter Usain Bolt – considered to be the fastest man in the world – brought as many as ten women back to his London hotel room in just two nights this past week.


Ten women in two nights?  Guess he really is the fastest man in the world!  I mean after ten women, I’d have to say he’s not only a great sprinter, but also a pretty damn good marathoner.  This could very well turn out to be another Olympic record for him.  Of course, its important to remember that Bolt is a guy who usually finishes in under 10 seconds.  In fact, some women claim that after he has sex, he bolts on them.


Anyway, so you’re telling me a wealthy, world famous athlete is a womanizer?  Say it isn’t so!  That said, bringing all those women up to his room makes good economic sense when you consider his room charges were based upon double occupancy.  Besides, there’s no point in letting all those condoms Olympic officials pass out to the athletes go to waste.  One thing’s for sure, after an escapade like this, he’s definitely got the endorsement deal for Trojans pretty much sewn-up.


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Trump Calls Hillary Clinton a Bigot

Aug. 25, 2016

Clinton and TrumpTrump Calls Hillary Clinton a Bigot:  Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told followers at a rally in Mississippi that Hillary Clinton is a “bigot who only sees people of color as votes, not as human beings.”  I can’t believe Trump would call Clinton a bigot in a place like Mississippi.  What was he trying to do, drum-up more votes for her?  Anyway, who better to warn people of color about Clinton’s bigotry than a shady, New York developer who was twice sued by the DOJ for racial housing discrimination?


Cool WheelchairStudy Finds Older People Are Happier:  Despite the physical ravages of age, new research from the University of California found that older people are much happier than younger adults.  Call me crazy, but who wouldn’t be happy spending some of that wad of cash you made as a Walmart Greeter on one of those senior discount dinners at Denny’s?


ChurchConnecticut Pastor Dies After Confessing Infidelity:  A pastor for a Bridgeport, Connecticut church died of an apparent heart attack shortly after confessing to his congregation that he had committed an act of infidelity.  Now that’s what I call “drop-dead honesty.”

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Earth-Like Planet Discovered Close to Our Solar System

Aug. 24, 2016

Close Planet

Earth-Like Planet Discovered Close to Our Solar System:  In an article published by Nature World News, researchers announced the discovery of a new unnamed rocky “Earth-like” planet orbiting our nearest star Proxima Centauri, 4.25 light-years away from Earth.  The question we must now ask ourselves as a civilization is whether or not we will be able to reach that planet by the time Keith Richards has smoked his last cigarette.  At current rocket speeds, its estimated that we wouldn’t arrive there till about 9076.  Many scientists believe Keith Richards could be long dead by then.


Donlad TrumpTrump Used Campaign Donations to Buy $55,000 of His Own Book:  Experts say Donald Trump may have broken the law when used his campaign funds to buy thousands of copies of his own book at retail cost, simultaneously diverting donor money back into his pockets while artificially boosting his sales figures.  Its stunts like this that make me think how ridiculous those people are who compare Trump to Adolf Hitler – let’s get serious folks – Hitler wrote his own book.


Kokomo StarbucksIndiana Tornado Completely Demolishes Starbucks Cafe:  Local officials say that its a miracle no one was injured after a tornado completely demolished a Starbucks cafe in Kokomo, Indiana.  Fortunately for coffee drinkers, there are two additional Starbucks, a Coffee Bean as well as a Peet’s Coffee directly across the street which were completely unaffected.

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Nine Million Americans Take Sleeping Pills

Aug. 23, 2016

Sleeping PillsNine Million Americans Take Sleeping Pills:  A five-year government study concluded that Americans are drugging themselves to sleep more than ever, with nine million Americans now taking sleeping pills.  Call me old fashioned, but whatever happened to drinking yourself to sleep?


Bites PenisSnake Hiding in Toilet Bites Israeli Man’s Penis:  A 35-year-old Israeli man had to be rushed to the hospital after a snake suddenly emerged from the toilet and bit him on the penis.  Herpetologists are cautioning people against immediately concluding that the snake was gay.


Baby Squirrel MonkeyRussian Cat Caring for Baby Squirrel Monkey Video Goes Viral:  Video of a Russian cat who adopted a baby squirrel monkey after it was abandoned by his mother at a zoo, has gone viral on the internet.  Because of the kindly gesture on the part of the Russians, the little guy promised – as soon as he’s grown – to do everything a baby squirrel monkey can possibly do to support the Russian occupation of the Ukraine’s Crimean peninsula.

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Ryan Lochte Dropped By All Four Commercial Sponsors

Aug. 22, 2016

Ryan LochteRyan Lochte Dropped By All Four Commercial Sponsors:  After he falsely claimed he and three teammates had been held up by armed robbers at a Rio de Janeiro gas station, U.S. swimmer Ryan Lochte has been dropped by sponsors Speedo, Ralph Lauren, Airweave and Gentle Hair Removal.  On a positive note, the makers of Mad Dog 20/20 and Colt 45 Malt Liquor have generously agreed to pick him up.


Austrian WomanAustrian Woman Has Vandalized Over 1,000 Cars:  Police say the have no idea why a 35-year-old supposedly mentally ill woman in Styria, Austria, has spent more than half a decade scratching a zig-zag pattern into the paint jobs of local cars.  Now I’m no psychologist, but it doesn’t take a genius to figure that out – her family probably owns a body shop.


Melania TrumpMelania Trump Threatens Lawsuit Over Escort Claims:  Melania Trump, wife of the Republican nominee Donald Trump, is denying rumors published in the Daily Mail that she worked for an escort service two decades ago.  Good grief, a gorgeous Eastern European blonde immigrant working as an escort – say it an’t so!  So if Trump gets elected, would that make her our “First Lady of the Evening?”

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Group Warns Target Boycott Failure Could Leave Christians With No Place to Pee

Aug. 21, 2016

TargetGroup Warns Target Boycott Failure Could Leave Christians With No Place to Pee:  In a recent interview, the American Family Association’s Sandy Rios warned that should the Target boycott they’ve organized over the company’s transgender bathroom policy fail, transgender acceptance will spread like a virus and soon “Christians will no longer be able to go to the bathroom anywhere.”


Well, all I can say to that is “gee wiz!”  I went to an expert and asked him if what she’s saying is really true, that Christians may one day have no where to go to pee and he told me “well, that all Depends.”  One thing’s for sure, if things don’t go her way, she may be forced to start minding her pee’s and Q’s from now on.


And the surprising thing is that even though the boycott isn’t lost yet, Rios sounds as if she’s already really pissed!  I guess that can happen when you cause a big stink over who’s using the bathroom.  Meanwhile, some impatient Target customers are asking “why can’t she just pee in the alley like the US Olympic swimmers?”  Either that or give her a paper cup and some lamb’s blood and ask her to squat down behind the linen display on aisle 43.


A frustrated Target spokesperson told me they’ve reached out to Rios and the American Family Association numerous times, trying to reassure them that their bathroom policy is actually quite Republican in nature, in that its loosely modeled after Ronald Reagan’s trickle-down economics of the 1980’s, but Rios vigorously maintains that Target’s transgender bathroom policy is a clear violation of her “religious peedom” and that the American Family Association will not be satisfied until upskirt cameras – checking every patron’s gender – are installed at all the entrances to Target’s restrooms.

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