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Sunday August 02 2015

Texas Man Hit by Ricocheting Bullet After Shooting Armadillo

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Aug. 01, 2015

ArmadilloTexas Man Hit by Ricocheting Bullet After Shooting Armadillo:  Police say an East Texas man who spotted an armadillo on his property, grabbed his .38 revolver and opened fire on the animal, but one of the three bullets ricocheted back and struck him right in the jaw.

 

Gee, I sure hope he’s OK – the armadillo that is.  Wonder if alcohol was involved?  I hear armadillos can get nasty when they’re drinking.  The armadillo was like “do you feel lucky punk?”

 

The man told police he shot in self defense, but authorities say the armadillo was not armed.  When asked what he could have been thinking shooting at such a defenseless animal, the guy said about the only thing going through his head at the time was the bullet.  After he fully recovers, Dick Cheney reportedly offered to take him hunting.

 

If you ask me, this whole incident is starting to sound a lot like Karmadillo.  I suppose if there’s anything positive coming out of all this, it would be that at least the poor half-wit didn’t have to fork-over $55,000 for the privilege of shooting the armadillo.

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Space Probe Philae Finds Organic Molecules on Comet

Jul. 31, 2015

Philae Space ProbeSpace Probe Philae Finds Organic Molecules on Comet:  The European Space Agency’s probe Philae may be struggling to stay in touch, but still managed to find something very special – several organic molecules – including four never detected before on a comet, which are important building blocks of life.  In addition, the space agency vehemently denied rumors that the Philae probe may have also found debris from flight MH370.

 

Cougars PettingOhio Man Sentenced to Jail for Petting Zoo Cougars:  An Ohio man who posted a video of himself petting cougars at the Columbus Zoo and Aquarium, has pleaded no contest to a trespassing charge and will have to spend two days in jail and pay $200 in fines.  What an idiot.  If you really wanna pet cougars, don’t go to a zoo – go to a singles bar.  The man’s lawyer defended the cougar petting, asking “do we expect cougars in Ohio to just pet themselves?

 

Blue MoonAstronomers Say First Blue Moon in 3 Years:  Astronomers say that tonight we will have the first “Blue Moon” in nearly three years.  Really?  Sometimes I think astronomers don’t know what they’re talking about.  Hell, I just had a Blue Moon served ice-cold at the Westside Tavern the other night with an orange slice, a side of chips and some guacamole.  I remember it well because I only order one once in a Blue Moon.

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Study Finds Cool High School Kids Don’t Fare Well

Jul. 30, 2015

Cool KidsStudy Finds Cool High School Kids Don’t Fare Well:  A 10-year study published in Business Insider found that many of the kids who were considered “cool” in high school ended up abusing alcohol and drugs, having trouble maintaining a steady, healthy relationship and often having problems with the law.

 

So I guess its just not cool being cool anymore – and I’m cool with that.  But really, the joke’s on them, because I wasn’t cool as a teen, and I still have drug, alcohol and relationship problems!  In fact, I spent nearly 6 years in high school trying to be cool and it just never happened.

 

And speaking of cool, didn’t I just see some 50-year-old guy with a mullet wearing a Huey Lewis and the News t-shirt?  If only someone had warned him.  On the other hand, Keith Richards still seems to be doing OK.

 

So maybe I’ll call up a few of those “cool kids” from high school – and when they pick up the phone – I’ll just hang up on them.  And come my next high school reunion, I’m gonna be sure and let them know what losers Business Insider says they really are.

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Some California Homeowners Painting Lawns Green

Jul. 29, 2015

Grass Painting Company Profits From California DroughtSome California Homeowners Painting Lawns Green:  Its being reported that California’s drought is becoming so bad, that some homeowners have actually begun hiring contractors to paint their browning lawns green.  Great idea, and if it were my lawn, I’d get them to paint in a swimming pool and a jacuzzi while they’re at it.

 

Tsarist SubSweden Says Sub Wreck a Tsarist Russian Vessel:  Sweden says they believe the wreck of a submarine found off its coast appears to be a Tsarist-era Russian vessel that collided with a Swedish ship in 1916.  Obviously, our first concern here needs to be is the crew okay.  After all, if this sub sunk 99 years ago, those guys have to be really hungry by now.

 

BisexualNew Study Confirms Male Bisexuality:  A new Northwestern University study has found evidence to support the existence of bisexual men, in sharp contrast to a 2005 study that found there was no such thing as a bisexual male.  In contrast, I have been classified as “buy-sexual,” meaning the only way I’ll ever get laid is to pay for it.

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Bloomberg News Disputes Trump’s Net Worth

Jul. 28, 2015

2012 Golden Goggle AwardsBloomberg News Disputes Trump’s Net Worth:  Presidential candidate Donald Trump claims he’s worth more than $10 billion, but a detailed analysis by of his wealth by Bloomberg News found that figure to be more in the neighborhood of $2.9 billion.  The bottom line is, it doesn’t really matter how much Trump is actually worth, because he’s absolutely priceless to the Democrats.

 

New Memory ChipIntel Introduces New Memory Chip 1,000x Faster Than Flash:  Intel and Micron have announced a new memory chip that utilizes a new three-dimensional structure and promises to be 1,000 times faster than standard Flash memory.  My question is, how is it that every year I seem to get a little slower – while the rest of the world gets a little faster?  Meanwhile, the real question most computer users want to know is, could this mean 1000-times faster porn downloads?

 

Pot SmokersNearly Half of Americans Tried Marijuana:  A new poll found that nearly half of Americans admit to having tried marijuana.  Pollsters say this represents an all-time high.

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New Habitat for Big Cats Who Worked at MGM Grand

Jul. 27, 2015

LionNew Habitat for Big Cats Who Worked at MGM Grand:  Dozens of lions once used to entertain tourists at the MGM Grand Hotel have a new gig at the recently opened Lion Habitat Ranch near Henderson, Nev.  For anyone wishing to see the big cats in their new surroundings, there’s a small cover charge and a two elk minimum.

 

cartoon concerned doctor illustrationMany Americans Skipping Doctor Visits:  According to figures from a new Consumer Reports survey, more than 60% of Americans said they skipped a doctor’s visit in the past year because of cost.  Which – if true is very sad – of course there’s always the possibility that those figures have been doctored.

 

Mark SubenNY Prosecutor Admits Acting in 70’s Porn Films:  Mark Suben, a prosecutor in upstate New York, admits that he lied during the campaign about having acted in pornographic movies back in the 1970s.  And while voters usually demand full disclosure from their politicians, I think in this case we can make an exception.

 

Dr MuddDr Mudd’s Decedents Visit Prison Where He Was Held:  Wearing “Free Dr. Mudd” T-shirts, about 80 descendants the doctor who was imprisoned after splinting the broken leg of President Abraham Lincoln’s assassin, marked the anniversary of his arrival at the prison by visiting the isolated Gulf of Mexico fort where he was held.  Now I’m no expert on the Criminal Justice System, but their protest just feels like its about 150 years too late.  That said, it really doesn’t matter whether he was actually guilty or innocent – his name is still Mudd.

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