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Sunday December 21 2014

Miss World Pageant Axes Swimsuit Segment

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Dec. 20, 2014

Miss WorldMiss World Pageant Axes Swimsuit Segment:  As part of an effort to make the Miss World Pageant “more of an ambassador than a beauty queen,” the organization announced plans eliminate the pageant’s swimsuit competition by proclaiming that “this is not just a beauty contest, it’s beauty with a purpose.”  Terrific idea – and I’m guessing that the math and spelling competitions will hold viewers spellbound.

 

Caramel ApplesDeaths Linked to Caramel Apples:  The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention is reporting that a listeria outbreak linked to prepackaged caramel apples has caused five deaths and 21 hospitalizations in 10 states.  Gee, and to think we used to believe cigarettes were bad for you.  Guess that why no one ever says “a caramel apple a day keeps the doctor away.”

 

Kim Jong-unNorth Korea Proposing Joint Probe Into Sony Hacking:  North Korea is now proposing a joint probe with the U.S. into the hacking attack against Sony Pictures Entertainment.  My feeling is that if Kim Jong-un has his heart set on a probe, perhaps its time that we accommodate him by having him bend over and grab his ankles.

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Obama Calls Canceling Film Release a Mistake

Dec. 19, 2014

ObamaObama Calls Canceling Film Release a Mistake:  At a press conference, President Barack Obama said that he felt that Sony’s caving in to a North Korean threat was a mistake.  Perhaps, but can it be all that wrong that I find myself secretly hoping the North Koreans have an effective strategy for silencing Adam Sandler films also?

 

Deepest FishWorld’s Deepest Fish Found at 26,772 Feet:  Unmanned landers deployed in the Mariana Trench have discovered a fish living at the amazing depth of 26,772 feet beneath the ocean’s surface, beating the previous record by 1,600 feet.  The fish is like “can’t a poor creature find any privacy anywhere?”

 

Michael PhelpsMichael Phelps Pleads Guilty to Drunk Driving:  Olympic swimming champion Michael Phelps has avoided jail by pleading guilty to drunken driving charges in Baltimore, but still faces 18 months of supervised probation.  So now we know he not only swims like a fish…

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New Report Finds Gonorrhea Rate Down

Dec. 18, 2014

GonorrheaNew Report Finds Gonorrhea Rate Down:  A new government report says that gonorrhea has dipped to the lowest rate ever recorded, but warns that even more dangerous STD’s are on the rise.  Its almost enough to make you yearn for the good old days.

 

Gary ColemanGlobal Warming Believed to Shrink Mammals:  According to new research, over time global warming may cause mammals to dramatically shrink in size.  If this is really the case, how sad Gary Coleman died before he had the opportunity to play in the NBA.

 

Ivy League SchoolsIvy League Schools Require Students to Swim:  Nearly all Ivy League schools require that undergraduates either exhibit an ability to swim or take a beginner’s course in swimming.  Sounds like a rather unnecessary measure when you consider most Ivy League students are already swimming in money.

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Alpha Women Found to Be Equally Adulterous

Dec. 17, 2014

Attractive business womanAlpha Women Found to Be Equally Adulterous:  Powerful men such as Dominique Strauss-Kahn, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Tiger Woods have become known for their sexual exploits, but a new study found that women who hold executive-level positions are no different.  The lesson here is that while money and power can corrupt, it can also get you laid.

 

IowaIowa Putting Driver’s Licenses On Smartphones:  The state of Iowa will release a free smartphone app in 2015 that can be used in place of a physical driver’s license.  So the next time some cop pulls you over, tell ‘em “sorry, but the battery’s dead on my driver’s license.”

 

MinirdisChicago Museum Lifts Lid on Egyptian Mummy Coffin:  The conservator at Chicago’s Field Museum and three other scientists lifted the lid off a wood coffin — exposing the 2,500-year-old mummified remains of a 14-year-old Egyptian boy.  I was just about ready to make a joke about this 2,500-year-old mummy, but then I thought better not, it might be too soon.

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London Sewer Cleaners Fighting Fatbergs

Dec. 16, 2014

FatbergLondon Sewer Cleaners Fighting Fatbergs:  Every day beneath the streets of London, sewer technicians are fighting a grim war against giant ‘fatbergs’ – or accumulated fat pockets in the sewers caused by people dumping grease such as turkey fat down their sinks – which clog the system and threaten to regurgitate putrid waste back into people’s homes.  All I know is, finding those fat deposits must have required one hell of a colonoscopy.  If the situation doesn’t improve soon, city officials say they may have to put the entire sewer system on Lipitor.

 

Laughing GasNew Study Finds Laughing Gas Treats Depression:  New research suggests that laughing gas — the mixture of nitrous oxide and oxygen that eases the pain and anxiety of having dental work — may help ease treatment-resistant depression in about the same time it takes to fill a cavity.  Researchers caution treatment facilities that when patients receive their bill, they may just laugh in your face.  Another drawback is that for longterm treatment, patients will need to have a lot of cavities.

 

LAPD CameraLA Police Officers to Get Body Cameras:  In the wake of several high-profile police shootings across the nation, Mayor Eric Garcetti announced every Los Angeles police officer will soon be equipped with a body camera.  And to further insure the program’s success, all officers will be required to attend evening classes at USC Film School.

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New Jersey Bans Smiling on Drivers License Photos

Dec. 15, 2014

New JerseyNew Jersey Bans Smiling on Drivers License Photos:  The state of New Jersey announced that it will begin banning people from smiling on their driver’s license photos.  State officials say they don’t expect the ruling to create much controversy, considering the fact that if you’re living in New Jersey, there really isn’t all that much to smile about anyway.

 

Porn ActorPorn Actor Admits to Hiding Syphilis Results:  A prominent porn actor has admitted that he is most likely the person responsible for the current syphilis outbreak that has shut down porn production in the San Fernando Valley.  If you ask me, what’s most depressing about this is if we can’t trust our porn actors, who can we trust?

 

Palm FroundsTree Trimmer Dies After Being Pinned to Tree By Palm Fronds:  A tree trimmer in Hollywood apparently suffocated under a mass of palm fronds that fell off and pinned him to the palm tree trunk.  So I assume that pretty much rules out palm fronds being part of the floral displays at his funeral.

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