Special Announcement:
News Analysis by Johnny Robish
Take a Hike South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford who had been missing for days and who’s spokesman claimed he was hiking along the Appalachian Trail, has admitted he was cheating on his wife. Now its her turn to tell him to take a hike.
Nestle Plant Closure A Nestle plant facility that manufactures refrigerated cookie-dough products linked to an outbreak of illness E. coli has temporarily closed, and 300,000 cases of cookie dough recalled. A company spokesperson says they want to protect the public health even though it will cost us a lot of dough.
Liver Transplant The Wall Street Journal is reporting that Apple CEO Steve Jobs moved from California to Tennessee in order to get a liver transplant. At first I thought, why Tennessee? Then, when I thought about it, it all made sense. Tennessee is the home to Jack Daniel’s whiskey. Where else would they know more about dealing with destroyed livers than Tennessee?
Memory Foam Mattress I was shopping in Costco the other day and came across a display selling memory foam mattresses. A mattress with a memory? I don’t wanna sound paranoid, but who would want a mattress that remembers everything you ever did in bed?
Sense of Smell The Food and Drug Administration said consumers should stop using Zicam Cold Remedy nasal gel and related products because they can permanently damage the sense of smell. The FDA said that many people reported that, after using the spray, they could walk into and public restroom and not be able to smell shit.
Six Flags Troubles Amusement Park operator Six Flags has filed for bankruptcy. The corporation will now go by the name “Six White Flags.”
Unabomber to Court Convicted "Unabomber" Ted Kaczynski, who terrorized the country with a series of mail bombs over nearly two decades, is fighting to stop a public auction of his diaries and other personal possessions. Guess he’s afraid that releasing the diaries could damage his image.
Brooke In Touch Brooke Shields says she wishes she would have had sex a lot earlier because it would have made her much more in touch with herself. Perhaps the reason she was not having sex earlier was because she was touching herself.
For the Environment Australian model Miranda Kerr says she decided to appear naked in Rolling Stone for the environment, and specifically the Koalas. Now how’s that supposed to make the wallaby’s feel?
No Gay Marriage in California The California Supreme Court has ruled to uphold the Proposition 8 ban on gay marriage. Critics claim that Republicans don’t even want to believe that humans evolved into homosapians because it has the word “homo” in it.
Left-Handed Life Span Scientists say that on average, right-handed people live 9 years longer than their left-handed counterparts. Left-handers claim that is just not right.
Compressed Air Car Zero Pollution Motors is trying to bring a car to U.S. roads by early 2011 that's powered by compressed air. A company spokesperson says America is a good place for a compressed air car because of our consumption of beans and hot dogs.
No Smiling In an attempt to stop driver's license fraud, four states (Arkansas, Indiana, Nevada and Virginia) are ordering people not to smile for their license photos. Shouldn’t be too difficult to enforce, there isn’t much to smile about if you live in those states anyway.
In Touch Brooke Shields says she wishes she would have had sex a lot earlier because it would have made her "much more in touch with myself." Perhaps the reason she was not having sex earlier was because she was touching herself.
Opposites Attract A Brazilian study that found people are subconsciously more likely to choose a partner whose genetic make-up is different to their own. If that is the case, Britney Spears’ next husband will be a Rhodes Scholar.
Cynthia Nixon Engaged Sex in the City star Cynthia Nixon has announced her engagement to female pal Christine Marinoni. She was previously married to photographer Danny Mozes. Too bad her new sweetie isn’t into photography. You can bet they could provide some interesting photographs.
Porn Star's Death An autopsy concluded that former porn star Marilyn Chambers died of an aneurysm. The coroner’s office added that there is no evidence that an aneurysm is some kind of kinky sex act.
Bible Quotes The Pentagon said that it no longer includes a Bible quote on the cover page of the daily intelligence briefings it sends to the White House as it did during the Bush years. Guess this means that the Obama Administration will not go forward with the previous administration’s plans to invade Babylonia.
Cheney's Bunker Aids for Vice President Joe Biden deny the VP divulged the location of the bunker Dick Cheney used after the September 11th attacks. Biden’s people say how could the location have been Cheney’s bunker? There were no bats in it!
Flu Closure A Maui jail has reopened after being closed following a flu scare. County officials warn that a similar scare at the mental health facility could result in a “one flu over the cuckoo’s nest” situation.
Cleaning Out the Fridge Firefighters had to evacuate the AT&T building in downtown San Jose after the flagrant fumes created by office worker cleaning an old fridge created a smell so noxious that it sent seven co-workers to the hospital and made twenty-eight others ill. The fridge must have been full of old AT&T calling plans.
No Wind Power Here The Kauai County Planning Commission is balking at the request of a Kilauea farmer to install a wind turbine to provide power for his farm, saying it could endanger bats flying in the area. Critic say that the concern for bats just proves that the Planning Commission is in the pocket of the Vampire lobby.
Special Note: I'd like to catch the swine who gave me the flu.
Domestic Violence Seminar A Saudi judge angered many women in the audience at a seminar on domestic violence after saying that husbands are allowed to slap their wives if they spend lavishly. Apparently the judge thought he was attending a “how to” on domestic violence.
Interrogation Techniques New documents seem to indicate that House Speaker Nancy Pelosi may have been briefed about harsh interrogation techniques and that she did not object, a charge she has repeatedly denied. Looks like the only way to get her to talk is to waterboard her.
Quitting Smoking Offering clues as to why smokers often gain weight after quitting, a new study suggests that smoking enhances the activity of the gene AZGP1 which helps break down body fat. Of course the fact that a former smoker consumes fifty pounds of Gummy Bears in a day has nothing to do with it.
Erase Bad Memories Scientists say they have discovered a drug that could erase bad memories in humans. Unfortunately, they can’t remember what it was.
Bad Influence Joe the Plumber, in an interview with Christianity Today, said he would never let “queers” near his children. Joe added that he only wants his children exposed to the fine examples provided by the Republican Party, like corporate tax cheats, Wall Street shucksters and people who torture political prisoners.
The Stewmaker A suspect in police custody who calls himself a "stewmaker" for a Mexican drug lord, saying he disposed of about 300 bodies by dissolving them in acid. That’s as opposed to the 60’s when drug dealers dissolved minds with acid.
No Gay Marriage in Arkansas Arkansas has passed a measure to ban marriage between same sex couples. Proponents say we want “normal relationships” in Arkansas like those between farmers and barn yard animals and brothers and sisters.
Arm Transplants A German farmer who received the world’s first double arm transplant is doing well. Doctors pronounced the surgery a success when he was able to hold the hospital billing department off at an arms length.
Oldest Rocks on Earth Scientists claim to have found the oldest known rocks on Earth, which are believed to be 4.28 billion years old. Initially, some geologists were skeptical until John McCain confirmed he could vouch for the rock’s age.
Arm in Sling Cindy McCain’s arm is in a sling, reportedly from someone shaking her hand too vigorously. That’s why I always give politicians the finger. Just as a precaution.
New Alzheimer's Drug UK scientists have developed a drug which may halt the progression of Alzheimer's disease. Now if they can just remember to take it.
Senior Editors While at the dentist, I saw an AARP publication that had an article which was written by a “senior editor.” I'm thinking aren’t they all “senior editors?”
Cutting Poverty The number of Americans living in poverty has dropped recently and Republicans are attributing that drop to the cuts in Welfare. The Bush Administration is also are hoping that by cutting Medicare, they’ll be able to trigger reductions in the number of the elderly.
Sleeping Babies A Saint Louis University study shows that babies who sleep in adult beds can be up to 40 times more likely to suffocate. To test their hypothesis, researchers placed babies in bed between Kirstie Alley and John Goodman.
Monkeys Go Fishing Scientists say they have discovered a group of macaque monkeys that actually fish. Skeptics wonder if they are really fishing or just monkeying around.
Genetic Map Dutch scientists say they have mapped the full genetic sequence of a woman for the first time. Researchers say they hope to one day discover the source of the female Nordstrom’s store locator gene.
Mars Landing The U.S. space agency's rover Phoenix has landed and is sending images back from Mars. Scientists were shocked to discover that Starbuck’s had already opened a coffee house within walking distance from the landing site.
Lazy Eye Prozac, the popular antidepressant, might also be an effective treatment for adults with a "lazy eye.” Especially if you’re depressed about having lazy eye.
What Mothers Eat A recent study says that a pregnant women’s diet may influence the sex of her child. I don’t know about gender, but you can pretty much guess what your sexual orientation is gonna be if your mom ate kumquats.
Snail Consumption In France, people eat approximately 500,000,000 snails per year. In the event of a shortage, it is feared people may slug it out.
Potholes New York City is expecting 20,000 potholes from blizzards this coming winter. City officials are concerned that there may not be enough streets to accommodate them.
Hip Replacement Rumor has it that aging rock star Prince is scheduled to have a secret hip replacement. Guess he wants it secret because its pretty difficult to look "hip" after you've had a hip replacement.
Benefits of Ginger Ginger has been clinically demonstrated to work twice as well as Dramamine for fighting motion sickness, according to researchers. In fact, the madame who runs the brothel says that more patrons ask for Ginger than any of the other girls.
Odd Couple A newly married English couple discovered that they were brother and sister shortly after tying the knot. When asked about their future plans, the couple said they'll probably relocate to West Virginia.
Crocks Dying Authorities say as many as 26 endangered crocodiles have been found dead in northern India. Guess we don't have to guess what kind of tears were shed for them.
In the News by Johnny Robish
Miss California Outraged by the Treatment of Detainees Miss California, Carrie Prejean, says she was angry upon hearing that the government took one of the detainees waterboarding 183 times. The beauty queen added that many people have to work two and three jobs just to make ends meet and hardly ever get to go to the beach anymore. Why should the prisoners get to have all the fun?
Concerned About Obama Jon Voight accused Barack Obama of "sowing socialist seeds in young people" in an op-ed piece published in the Washington Times. He did lose some credibility, however, after he went on to say that the only person who can save America from sliding into the abyss is Wendell Willkie.
LA Earthquake LA had an earthquake that seismologists originally rated at 5.8, but then decided it was 5.4. I once had a girlfriend who was five four and she could really shake, but I’m not sure if that information will help seismologists.
Swearing in Public According to witnesses, a man standing outside the courthouse in the south Georgia town of Valdosta started "swearing up a storm." Police were called in, but the man was released after city officials decided they needed the rain.
Brett Favre Considers Comeback A three-time MVP, quarterback Brett Favre is rumored to be considering a comeback next year. Upon hearing the news, Frank Gifford says that he too will be coming back. However, it won't be to play football. He's just going to go back to his urologist for another prostate exam.
Wonder Woman Finds Body Lynda Carter, who played Wonder Woman on TV in the 1970's, discovered a body floating on the Potomac River. After examining the body, the coroner declared it to be as dead as Carter's career.
Bill Clinton Denies Allegations A Vanity Fair article claims that recent high-end Hollywood dinner-party gossip has Bill Clinton being seen visiting with actress Gina Gershon in California. The former President vigorously denied the allegations by pointing out that “its simply ridiculous to think I am seeing someone like Gina Gershon. Everyone knows that whenever I’ve had affairs, its always been with ugly scanks like Monica Lewinsky or Paula Jones.”
Iceless Ice The Japanese are debuting the new technology of iceless skating rinks which they say could save a skating rink owner $190,000 a year. When asked who would want to go to a skating rink with fake ice, a spokesperson said a perfect match would perhaps be a gentleman who has a blowup doll instead of a real girlfriend. It would be an ideal skating date for the two of them.
Gov Reports Crack Ho Shortage The US Bureau of Labor Statistics indicated this week that several major metropolitan areas across the country are experiencing a shortage of quality crack ho's. The agency added that "while there are still plenty of crack ho's for all who need them, quality crack ho's are becoming more difficult to find. It important to bring this data to the public's attention before the shortage becomes critical."
Church Pastor Angered by Purple Heart Pastor Jason B Hookem says soldiers wounded in battle should refuse the Purple Heart because he feels the medal's color is simply "too gay." Pastor Hookem added that a medal like the Purple Heart" should more appropriately be given to gay activists wounded at one of their demonstrations in San Francisco.
Cocaine Not That Great A former addict is urging others using cocaine to quit like he did adding that "cocaine" isn't really all its cracked up to be."
Health Officials conclusions on the Death of Anna Nicole Smith Health officials have issued their final ruling on the death of model Anna Nicole Smith. Dr William Proxmyer says that tests have concluded that Ms Smith was "drop dead gorgeous" and that she simply "dropped dead."