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Thursday November 23 2017

Annual Turkey Pardon Ceremony Held at White House

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Nov. 22, 2017

Annual Turkey Pardon Ceremony Held at White House:  In the annual Presidential ceremony at the White House, President Trump has pardoned a Thanksgiving turkey they’ve named “Drumstick.”


The following day, the President angrily tweeted he has yet to receive the expected thank you call or tweet from either the turkey, its parents or the turkey community.  Talk about an ungrateful turkey.  Sad!  Of course, in the turkey’s defense – Trump only agreed in principle to pardon the white meat.  Ironically, with the Mueller investigation closing in, it may turn out that it’ll be Trump’s goose that is cooked – not the turkey’s.


And, to be completely fair, this isn’t the first turkey the President has pardoned this year.  That was former Sheriff Joe Arpaio.  What I find most interesting is that – just before Trump pardoned the turkey, he declared it was once again “open season” on African elephants.  That said, the turkey’s fate may still be in legal limbo, in that a US District Judge in Hawaii has just ruled Trump’s Turkey Pardon is unconstitutional!

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Man to Launch Himself in Homemade Rocket to Prove Earth Flat

Nov. 21, 2017

Man to Launch Himself in Homemade Rocket to Prove Earth Flat:  Seeking to prove that a conspiracy of astronauts fabricated the shape of the Earth, a California man intends to prove the Earth is flat by launching himself 1,800 feet into the air at 500 miles per hour in a homemade, steam-powered rocket he built out of scrap metal.  So, to prove the Earth is flat, he’s gonna go “splat!”  I’m guessing he must have missed the last solar eclipse.  And he’ll be flying at an altitude of only 1800 feet?  Why we have buildings a lot taller than that.  And commercial jetliners frequently cruise at 30,000 feet.  Why put yourself through all this – when you can just buy an airline ticket to Cleveland and ask for a window seat?  On a positive note, he shouldn’t have any problem launching the thing, because President Trump just announced plans to repeal “The Law Of Gravity” as part of his promise to deregulate everything.


Archeologists Find Roman Shipwrecks off Egypt’s Coast:  Egyptian officials report archaeologists have discovered three sunken shipwrecks dating back more than 2,000 years to Roman times off the coast of the city of Alexandria.  Alert Egyptian officials said that when the ships didn’t even show up after 2000 years, we felt something may have happened to them and that it was time to start looking.


Human Teeth Evolved from the Scales of Ancient Shark:  New evidence out of the University of Cambridge suggests that the teeth in your mouth have their origin in the scales of primitive shark-like fish.  Good – then maybe I’ll send them my dental bills.


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Moon Landing Truthers Say Photo is Proof of Faked Apollo Landing

Nov. 20, 2017

Moon Landing Truthers Say Photo is Proof of Faked Apollo Landing:  Moon landing truthers – who have been claiming for years that the NASA moon landings are fake and actually filmed on a Hollywood soundstage and not the Moon – have been in a state of total excitation of late, thanks to a new picture posted recently on YouTube.  The picture appears to show an image of the individual who took the snapshot reflecting off an Apollo 17 astronaut’s visor – and now Moon truthers are claiming that this individual doesn’t even appear to have a spacesuit on and is probably a Hollywood stagehand and not another astronaut.


Well, I gotta say – it all sounds plausible to me.  I mean, when you think about it – all you’d really need to pull something like this off would be thousands and thousands of paid extras who would be willing to keep all this a secret for decades and decades, not to mention all the countries who would have been monitoring a US Moon landing such as the USSR, the People’s Republic of China and North Korea.  I’m sure they would all have been more than happy to go along with a scam like this as they would naturally wish to do anything they in their power to further enhance the prestige of the United States.  On the other hand, I think it’s fairly safe to assume that not many of these conspiracy theorists are rocket scientists.


That said, this YouTube pic is rather grainy.  I mean, for all I know, that image reflecting off the astronaut’s visor could be Harvey Weinstein getting ready to grope one of the actresses on the Moon soundstage, but he became distracted after he came upon a copy of Barack Obama’s birth certificate.  But hell, if you’re gonna go the conspiracy route, why stop at the moon landing?  I’ll bet Columbus’ voyage to America was staged too.   Meanwhile, not to be upstaged by a bunch of conspiracy theorist wannabes, ultra-conspiracy theorist Alex Jones is now claiming that he once had documented evidence that the moon landing was all staged, but unfortunately, all of that evidence has mysteriously disappeared somewhere in the Bermuda Triangle.


Now, I’m sure by now many of you are wondering – if this Moon landing was staged by Hollywood, how on “Earth” did they pull it off?  Well, I have my own theory.  First, NASA hires a prominent Hollywood director to film a fake Moon landing, but it soon becomes obvious to the producers that the cost of building such an elaborate set would be far too expensive for their budget.  So, in order to save money, the director gets a brilliant idea, why not film the entire fake Moon landing – right on location?  Mystery solved!

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Ohio Judge Who Boasted About Sex Conquests Apologizes

Nov. 19, 2017

Ohio Judge Who Boasted About Sex Conquests Apologizes:  Ohio gubernatorial candidate and sitting state Supreme Court Justice Bill O’Neill has issued an apology for boasting about having bedded 50 very attractive females, saying he was deeply sorry if he offended any of the “wonderful women” in his life.  He then went on to single out numbers 7, 19, 26 and 31 for special praise – about whose performance he described as “nothing short of “spectacular.”


Scientists Warn of Strong Earthquakes As Earth’s Rotation Slows:  A team of scientists are predicting that powerful earthquakes will double in 2018 as Earth’s rotation slows down.  Gee, first we have global warming and now it’s global slowing?  Wonder if the shaking will be measured on the Mueller or the Richter scale?  Anyway, about the only thing we can ever know for sure is – Sean Hannity will inevitably blame Hillary for this.


Study Claims Coffee Buzz Just in Our Heads:  New research from the University of London has found that the “buzz” people get from coffee and other caffeinated beverages may very well “just be in our heads.”  Yea, and that sting we feel after paying nearly six dollars for coffee at Starbucks – may very well be “just in our wallets.”

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Televangelist Jim Bakker Demands Viewers Buy His Pancake Mix

Nov. 18, 2017

Televangelist Jim Bakker Demands Viewers Buy His Pancake Mix:  Disgraced televangelist Jim Bakker warned viewers that their grandchildren could face eternal damnation and President Trump possibly be assassinated unless they send him $60 (plus shipping and handling) for a bucket of the pancake mix which he is selling.  All I can say is, let this serve as a warning to all of you who think you can just eat at IHOP once in a while and still save your souls – the Lord isn’t fooled by that kind of crêpe.  In fact, I’m been thinking about designing a custom griddle that’ll put the image of Jesus on all these pancakes.  That ought to butter him up a bit.


Franklin Graham Attacks Ray Moore Denouncers:  According to Evangelist Franklin Graham, those denouncing alleged pedophile and Alabama senatorial candidate Roy Moore “are guilty of doing much worse than what he has been accused of supposedly doing.”  Smart observation on the part of Reverend Graham.  I mean, if Alabama doesn’t elect this pervert to the Senate, next thing you know – hordes of transgenders will begin using public restrooms and our young people could be at risk of not believing everything they hear on Fox News.  Give him a break, the good pastor is only trying to give loyal Alabama Republicans a little Ray Moore of hope.


Florida Man Accused of Impersonating Cop for Discounted Doughnuts:  Florida police have arrested a man who was impersonating a cop so he could get discounted doughnuts at Dunkin’ Donuts.  Police say it was easy to spot the imposter by the glazed look on his face.  But there’s no point in sugar-coating this, this guy is going to jail and they’ll likely throw him right in the hole.

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Believers Gather at First Ever Flat-Earth Conference

Nov. 17, 2017

Believers Gather at First Ever Flat-Earth Conference:  The first-ever Flat Earth International Conference, aimed at disputing the idea that the world is round, has just wrapped up in North Carolina.  Gee, I was gonna attend, but I never got “around” to it.  OK, I really didn’t go because I was flat-broke.  Besides, what on Earth do they hope to accomplish anyway?  Don’t they know there’s nothing new under the sun?  Personally, I think a lot of guys just go to these conferences hoping to meet women by pretending to believe, but the women know its just flattery.


Only 10% of Americans Eat Enough Fruits and Vegetables:  According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), only a sliver (1 in 10) of Americans eat enough fresh fruits and vegetables.  The CDC warns that if the trend continues, they may be forced to implement a “no dessert until you eat all the veggies on your plate policy.”


Ohio Judge Brags About Having Sex With 50 Very Attractive Females:  An Ohio Supreme Court justice who is running for governor tried to get ahead of any Al Franken-type allegations of sexual misconduct against him by bragging in detail about his sexual conquests.  Yea, let me guess – they were all hookers?  But come on, you know he’s lying.  Everyone knows there’s not 50 attractive women in Ohio.  Especially when they remove their dentures.

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