Bone Drugs: A new study claims that people who take bone-strengthening medications over several years have a higher risk of throat cancer. That could make drugs like Boniva a hard pill to swallow, literally. Researchers added that if there’s anything positive that comes out of this study, it would be that we may not have to listen to Sally Field endlessly hocking bone-meds on TV anymore.
Chicago Violence: Some intercity leaders are hinting that we may be spending more to keep the Iraqi public safe than we do here in the US, citing the fact that we have had nearly twice the violent deaths in Chicago this year than we have had in Iraq. The White House acknowledged their concerns, but added that there are currently no plans to send Iraqi troops into Chicago at this time.
Wrong About Beheadings: Arizona's tough, anti-immigration governor Jan Brewer admitted she misspoke during her stammering debate performance when she claimed that headless bodies were turning up all along the US-Mexican border. Some were skeptical about how contrite she really was, however, when after the debate Gov. Brewer claimed that the press had tried to bite her head off.
Not Santa Claus: A 49-year-old female doctor, involved in an on-again, off-again relationship, became stuck and died after trying to force herself into her boyfriend’s home by sliding down the chimney. Guess you could say she was stuck in a dead-end relationship that she just couldn’t get out of.
Foster Care: New federal figures show that fewer kids in the US are now under foster care due to widespread reforms in the system. This is in contrast to Australia, where more kids seem to be under the care of Foster’s Lager.
Benefits of Exercise: According to research reported in PLoS Medicine, exercise can reduce the genetic tendency toward obesity by 40%. Now if they could just figure out how to reduce the genetic tendency toward ugly.
Adulterers Beware: Lawmakers in the devoutly Muslim Indonesian province of Banda Aceh have voted unanimously that adulterers be stoned to death. That’s as opposed to the US where many commit adultery because they are stoned. As a precautionary gesture, the US Embassy issued a warning to pot heads traveling in the area that “being stoned to death isn’t a good thing.”
New Social Networking Site: The FBI and other police agencies report that one of the ways they have been tracking criminals is by following their posts on social networking sites. In fact, law enforcement is currently investigating a new site believed to be associated with the notorious Gambino Crime Family, its called “In Your Facebook.”
Employee of the Year: A Florida sheriff who was voted “employee of the year,” was arrested for abuse of power after it was discovered that he was using his badge to coerce people to let him to perform oral sex on them. Gee, guess it doesn’t take a genius to figure out how he got to be “employee of the year.”
Hilton Busted: Paris Hilton was arrested in Las Vegas for possession of a controlled substance after cocaine was found in her purse, a police spokesman says. There goes her squeaky clean image!
Its Raining Cats and Dogs: The United States Humane Society estimates that between 2,500 and 3,000 cats and dogs are born every hour in this country. When told about the data, Arizona Republican Gov. Jan Brewer added “and who knows how many more slip across the border?”
Married in Secret: Spanish singer Julio Iglesias is reported to have secretly married his longtime girlfriend, Dutch model Miranda Ricjnsburger. He probably had to marry her in secret to avoid problems with “of all the girls he loved before.”
Wheat Code Cracked: British scientists have announced that they have finally cracked the genetic code of wheat. What’s so new about “cracked wheat?”
Stuffed Animals: Sociologists say a new survey surprisingly found that as many as one in four men admit to traveling with a stuffed animal. The other respondents say they would never refer to their wives in those terms.
Pigs Sick: In an interesting twist of events, pigs on a Minnesota farm are believed to have caught the swine flu from children. Many of the pigs say they became sick as dogs and complained that they were treated like swine during the examination.
First Cannibals: Anthropological researchers studying the world's first known human cannibals, say they most likely ate each other to satisfy their nutritional needs, concludes a new study of the remains of cannibal feasts consumed about one million years ago. Even more reason to make sure your neighbors are taking their vitamins on a regular basis.
Another Anti-Gay Gay: Former Republican National Committee Chairman and anti-gay marriage activist Ken Mehlman admitted in an interview that he just recently realized that he is gay. Mehlman went on to add that while he has always been attracted to men, he never enjoyed listening to Bette Midler, Barbra Streisand or Judy Garland music, so he just assumed that he couldn’t really be gay.
FM: Groups representing broadcasters, musicians and record companies say they may ask Congress to require that new mobile phones include FM radios. When asked how they feel this proposal will go over with cellphone makers, a spokesperson for the broadcasters says they expect “no static at all.”
Shrinking Moon: New research indicates that the interior as well as the surface of the moon have been cooling and shrinking over the last billion years or so. In response, a Tea Party spokesman says there is no reason to believe that the earth or its moon are over 6000 years old, but even if it was, there would be no reason to build a mosque on it.
Space Weaklings: NASA says a new study discovered that astronauts in their 40’s who spend 6 months in space have the muscle strength of 80-year-olds. When informed of this, Roger Clemens promptly volunteered that he knows people who can help them get their strength back fast.
No Bull: A bull jumped into the stands and went after the crowd during a competition held in Spain, injuring at least 40 spectators. An even spokesperson claimed that the bull mistakenly felt the crowd was taunting him and simply “jumped” to conclusions.
