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by Johnny Robish

In the News

Bad Swordfish Scare A local Santa Monica restaurant was fined after it was discovered that the swordfish they were serving was really a double-edged swordfish. Many patrons complained that after eating the swordfish, they found themselves speaking with a forked tongue.

Women and Geography Researchers are trying to determine how a woman who didn’t know the difference between Washington DC and Washington State was able to identify and locate every Nordstrom's in the Western Hemisphere.

Rabies Quarantine In what is being described as a major bureaucratic snafu, CNN anchor Wolf Blitzer has been placed under a 30-day rabies quarantine after landing at Honolulu International Airport in Hawaii.

Bartenders Stage Protest The National Bartenders Union will stage a giant rally Monday to protest the impact global warming is having upon their jobs. Bartenders claim the ice is melting way too fast in their cocktails.

Importance of a Good Education A man who was involved in a love triangle said he had to drop out because he just couldn't do the math. He's now urging other young men to study hard if they want to fulfill their dreams and fantasies.

Medical Terminology In an apparent reversal of its previous position, JAMA, the Journal of the American Medical Association, now says that "up the ying-ying" is in fact not actually a medical term.

Public Restrooms A influential group of sociologists and public officials are cautioning the general public not to immediately attribute that awful smell one may encounter in a Starbuck's or Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf restroom to the individual you see leaving while you are waiting to enter. Donna Shalala, the former Secretary of Health and Human Services in the Clinton Administration added "that often it was the guy before the one you see leaving who actually stunk the place up and besides, in this country, we have a long tradition of innocent until proven guilty."

Conference Ponders Aging Issues At an upcoming meeting of the American Conference on Aging, scientists will tackle issues such as at what age do people begin thinking “I believe I want my next car to be a Ford Crown Victoria?”

Agency Exceeds Authority Two members of the Los Angeles Port Authority admit they may have exceeded their jurisdiction when they insisted elderly diners at an Italian restaurant in Santa Monica order a 30 year-old bottle of Taylor Fladgate tawny port this past week. Diners reported they were discussing which bottle of port would be a good after dinner drink when two men from a nearby table approached, flashed their Port Authority badges and instructed them to purchase the Taylor Fladgate. Mrs. Harvery J. Finkelstein told reporters that what disturbed her the most regarding the whole affair was that "these men never asked if such an expensive wine would fit in their budget. After all, we are mostly all retired schoolteachers and many of us are on a fixed income." The men simply said "we're the Port Authority ma’am, get the wine." When contacted, an agency spokesperson confirmed that while they do have authority over most activity in the Poet of Los Angeles, they have little or no jurisdiction over what wines are to be purchased at Italian restaurants in Santa Monica.

Foley Checks Into Alcohol Rehab Florida Congressman Mark Foley immediately resigned and checked into alcohol rehab after being confronted with inappropriate messages he had sent to House Pages. Alcohol rehab? It seems to me his problem isn't 15 year old Scotch. It's 15 year old boys

The Red Sea Environmentalists are concerned about a plan to transfer water from the Red Sea to the faltering Dead Sea. After some resistance, it was decided that the Dead Sea is "better red than dead.

Tornado Strikes Hoover Facitily Tornados struck Hoover's manufacturing facilities in North Canton, Ohio doing severe damage to several of its buildings. Scientists speculate it may be due to the fact that nature abhors a vacuum.

Boston Area Plagued by Injuries Boston Public Health Officials say that hundreds of people are injured each year because of dropping their "R's." While it is widely known that the dropping of the "R" is common in this area of the country, few statistics have been kept until this time about the number of injuries resulting from the "R" droppings.

Rights of the Accused A federal judge in Houston ruled the presence of TV news and camera crews accompanying DEA agents violates perpetrators' rights. From now on authorities will have to first read those who are arrested their rights such as "you have the right to get an agent, you have a right to syndication money."

Budget Cuts The number of Americans living in poverty has dropped recently and Republicans are attributing that drop to the cuts in Welfare. The Administration is also are hoping that by cutting Medicare, they’ll be able to trigger reductions in the number of the elderly.

SARS Health officials now think SARS could be spread by contact with fecal matter from an infected individual. Yet another reason not to take shit from anybody.

Bird Flu Scientists in Germany say tests confirm that a cat died of the H5N1 bird flu virus. It is believed that the cat ate an infected bird and scientists have now issued this urgent warning: “no matter how hungry you are or how empty your refrigerator may be, avoid eating your cat.”

Bush to Turn Airport Security Over to Libya In a surprise move after the controversy over turning US ports over to Dubai, President Bush today announced that he has decided to turn over control of our nation's airport security to Libya. When confronted by angry members of Congress, the President said "look, I've taken a lot of heat in the past for appointing people with no expertise to posts of vital importance such as making Michael Brown to head of FEMA when he was simply a counsel for the International Arabian Horse Association. This time I'm going to the experts. I figure who knows more about terrorism and our airlines than the Libyans? Does Pan Am Flight 103 and Lockerbie ring a bell? I've learned from my mistakes and let's face it, these Libyans know their stuff."

South Dakota Abortion Bill Gov. Mike Rounds said he is inclined to sign a bill that would ban nearly all abortions in South Dakota.  A spokesperson for Planned Parenthood said that while this is not exactly good news, it should have little impact because there is almost no one in South Dakota that anyone would want to have sex with anyway.

New Study Questions Fitness of Fiddles
New research appears to debunk the common myth about being "fit as a fiddle." In the first extensive study of its kind, researchers at Akron University compared 100 fiddles to 100 professional athletes over a period of five years and concluded that the fiddles not only lacked even the most minimal criteria for fitness, but basically had almost no athletic ability at all. Dr. Harold Dinglehimmer, the chief physiologist who headed up the project, added that "instead of being fit, we found the fiddles to be rather pudgy in the mid-section, although we do have to admit that most of the fiddles did have long, slim necks."

Church Gathering Brings Protesters
As members of the Allendale, Rhode Island Episcopal Church gathered for their annual steak dinner, they were surprised to find a rather large group of protesters chanting outside the chapel. When one of the protesters was asked why they opposed the dinner, she said "because we believe in the separation of church and steak."

Cheney Shoots Fellow Hunter
An investigation is pending after Vice President Dick Cheney shot a fellow hunter in the face and chest with shotgun pellets. The men were on a weekend quail hunting trip at a South Texas ranch when the shooting occurred. The controversy stems from the fact that Cheney originally told investigators that he thought he was firing on Aaron Burr, but later changed his story insisting that he was forced to squeeze a round off quickly because a deadly quail was threatening to attack, adding that "our intelligence indicates that there is no greater threat to national security than wild quail."

Gillette Announces New Razor
In the latest development in the razor wars, Gillette announced it will soon begin selling a new razor with 137 blades. The new razor will weigh 70 pounds and come with a shoulder harness for stability. When asked how practical such a razor would be, a company spokesman said that “practicality is not the issue. The issue is which razor has the most blades. If you’re shaving at the gym and the guy next to you is using a razor with only 3 or 4 blades, there’s an element of pride going on here.”

Government Announces New Changes for Tornado Categories
The National Weather Service said it is changing how it categorizes tornadoes after finding that it doesn't take 300 mph winds to disintegrate homes. Joe Schaefer, director of the service's Storm Prediction Center, said he realized the changes were necessary after watching a video of the "Three Little Pigs" with his younger daughter Amy in which the Big Bad Wolf was simply able to huff and puff and blow the house down. In addition, Schaefer said his agency will also be contacting local communities where wolves are likely to be present and ask them to reconsider building codes.

Apple Announces New iPod
In its quest for an ever smaller iPod, Apple Computer today announced an iPod that is so small, it cannot be seen by the naked eye. Unfortunately, the product may not be available for some time due to the fact that after the iPods were manufactured, no one could find them.

Computer Makes Fined
The SEC announced it will fine several prominent computer makers after it was discovered that the companies have been subsisting computer chips with potato chips. The switch was initially discovered when UCLA student Lisa Swartzbaum took her new computer to a repair shop where the potato chips were immediately discovered. Ms Swartzbaum did say that the chips were absolutely delicious (sort of a French-Onion flavor), but she needed her computer to be functional so she could do her homework.

NBA Concerned About Increase in Personal Fouls
The NBA has issued a statement expressing concern at the increased amount of personal fouls committed this season. A spokesman for Player's Union countered that the concern is completely unwarranted and believes that a personal foul is much better than the impersonal fouls committed in other sports, adding that a personal foul can in fact make the recipient (of the foul) feel rather "special." The Player's Union spokesman pointed out that "personal fouls in the NBA are often accompanied by flowers and invitations to dinner and dancing after the game at very upscale establishments. Overall, these fouls can have a positive effect on player moral and self-esteem."

Pat Buchanan Says "King Kong" Shows Why We Must Stop Illegal Immigration
Conservative anti-immigration activist Patrick J. Buchanan said today that the new film "King Kong" demonstrates how dangerous it can be to bring immigrants into this country, even on a temporary work visa. According to Buchanan, "many immigrants aren't even grateful for all the opportunities they are offered here. Look at the facts. King Kong is from a third world country or even worse as they don't have to battle dinosaurs in third world countries. He is brought to glitzy, glamorous New York, he's given a good job at a time when so many were out of work during the Depression (he only had to do one show a week), he had a beautiful blonde girlfriend and still he's not happy. Some are just never satisfied."

President Bush Defends Health Care Spending
President Bush today answered critics who claim his administration is not spending enough money on health care. The President said he plans to allocate sixteen million dollars to distribute flyers to expectant mothers urging them to avoid sleeping on down pillows, which could effectively elimate most cases of Downs Syndrome.

Bush Defends Drug Company Profits
President Bush today defended what some are calling exorbinate profits of drug makers by pointing out the important role they play in our economy. The President went on to say that "had Eli Lilly invented Prozac back in the 1930's, there might not have been a Great Depression."

Gov Reports Crack Ho Shortage
The US Bureau of Labor Statistics indicated this week that several major metropolitan areas across the country are experiencing a shortage of quality crack ho's. The agency added that "while there are still plenty of crack ho's for all who need them, quality crack ho's are becoming more difficult to find. It important to bring this data to the public's attention before the shortage becomes critical."

Man Loses Arm After Drinking Tea
A 57 year-old Detroit man is suing Starbuck's after to having to have his left arm amputated shortly after he consumed a cup of Green Tea at the popular establishment. Medical experts concluded that the man must have been served gangrene tea by instead of their regular Green Tea.

Cost of Housing
The government reported today that the cost of housing now consumes nearly 40% of an individual's income. A West Virginia man added that "it's getting so bad I was considering moving back with my parents. Then I thought about it and decided that it would just be too much of a hassle. They're both dead."

Bush Admits Voting for Kerry
In a small press room in Columbus, Georgia, President Bush startled an audience of reporters by stating that he had in fact voted for Massachusetts Senator John Kerry in the last election. The President continued adding "look, if you listen to a lot of people in this country, you'd come away thinking I have no conscience at all. Nothing could be further from the truth. As President, I get a close look at what goes on in this administration because I attend a lot of their meetings. Occasionally, I'm even permitted to participate in them. I see first first hand the lying, the cheating, the back-stabbing, the personal attacks as well as deliberate distortions of the truth. I know exactly what kind of people we're dealing with here and all I can say is I could never vote for such graft and corruption. And that's why I voted for John Kerry. I want people to know that their president really does cares.

P. Diddy Drops the "P" and Some Say Prostate Issues May Be the Reason
Hip-hop artist P. Diddy has dropped the P. from his name, leaving some to speculate that the singer may be experiencing prostate enlargement and does not wish to be reminded how difficult it is to urinate by having the word Pee come up every time someone calls his name. In a statement released to the press, Diddy said that "I felt like the 'P' was getting between me and my fans." It certainly was, one source said privately. Every time he'd begin singing a song, the urge to pee was so strong that he'd have to stop and go take a whiz, thereby losing the connection with his audience.

Bush Asks Nation's Pet Owners to Help Flood Victims
President Bush today responded to criticism that he has been slow to help flood victims by indicating his administration will be organizing a push to have pet owners send their dogs and cats to the flooded areas in the hopes that their fur will soak up some of the excess water from the flooding.

President Bush Asks Americans to Pray President George W. Bush today asked Americans to pray for the victims of the devastating hurricane. In a brief statement, the President said we should pray that the he (President Bush) and the federal government (his administration) become motivated enough to send help to the many homeless and injured. The President says he strongly believes in the power of prayer and hoped God would hear our prayers and motivate he and his administration to do something about the situation. "I realize that what we asking for here is basically a miracle," he added, "but miracles do happen."

Bush Offers Permanent Solution for Hurricane Prevention
President Bush today responded to criticism that the government did not prepare properly or do enough to assist the hurricane Katrina victims by announcing his plan to end all hurricanes. The President said he will immediately instruct the Army Corps of engineers to begin cutting down trees wherever they encounter them. When asked why, the President said "its very simple. Trees produce oxygen. Oxygen makes air, which in turn can become wind which turn into tornados, hurricanes and typhoons. You see, tornados, hurricanes and typhoons kill our citizens. I say, kill the damn tress before they kill you!"

 

 

 

 

News Analysis

Kentucky Derby Tragedy Filly Eight Belles collapsed with two broken ankles shortly after finishing second in the Kentucky Derby. Witnesses claim that the horse was initially given the option to commit suicide, but refused and was euthanized right on the track.

Fertilizer Crises Some analysts predict that the rising the cost of fertilizer will soon threaten world food production, however, a spokesperson for the National Fertilizer Coalition says the analysts are full of shit.

Massive Rodent Scientists in Uruguay have found the fossil remains of a 2,000-pound rodent that lived 2 million to 4 million years ago. I'd be more concerned about the house cat you’d need to catch it.

Ocean Birthing Many "green" expectant parents are now planning to give birth to children in the Ocean. Some doctors are warning against the practice claiming that it sounds more like an idea great white sharks would came up with.

Bad Salad A North Canton, Ohio restaurant worker has been arrested after being caught putting small amounts of arsenic into the chicken salad at a local eatery. When asked why, the man said "I wanted to make a dish to die for."

Pop Group Relocates The group Kansas has moved their offices to California. Band members were overheard saying “guess we’re not in Kansas anymore.”

Lawyers say Michael Vick Unfairly Targeted! Lawyers for Falcon's quarterback Michael Vick claim he is being unfairly targeted for dogfighting. Vick's lawyers went on to add that every day the women on "The View" have a "catfight" and no one prosecutes them.

Drunk Astronauts Aviation Week reports that astronauts were allowed to fly on at least two occasions despite warnings they were so drunk they posed a flight risk. In related news, Lindsey Lohan has announced she is giving up show business to become an astronaut.

Importance of Pets A recent Redbook study says that 40% of women would choose their pet over their men. And Republicans think same sex marriages are controversial!

Valium Inventor The man who invented Valium has died. Most Valium users responded the news saying “whatever.”

Women's Sexual Habits A recent study indicated that 11% of women ages 18 to 44 reported having at least one homosexual experience. And 95% of men reported they would like to watch.

Older Women, Younger GuysClose to a third of unmarried American women who date are going out with younger men, according to one of the most sweeping surveys ever conducted on the dating habits and sex lives of mid-life singles. Unfortunately, many of them seem to be school teachers.

Suicide Bomber An Iraqi woman was seen on Jordanian television wearing the suicide belt which was full of explosives that she attempted to set off at a wedding party but could not get to detonate. Now that's what I call a real "wardrobe malfunction!"

Buying Politicians In a recent interview, Vice President Dick Cheney admitted that it is way too easy to buy politicians these days, adding that "what we really need is a decent lease program."

Domestic Partners With the culture changing to recognize "domestic partners," my cat now insists on being referred to as a "domesticated partner."

Pulp Fiction Bought a carton of orange juice that claimed it was basically "pulp free." When I poured it out into a glass, pulp poured out just as always. I'm thinking what the hell is this, pulp fiction?

MENSA I was a member of MENSA at one time, but they threw me out because I did something stupid.

Orange Juice Drinkers Tired of losing orange juice drinkers to low-carb diets, Florida's citrus growers are fighting back with a new ad campaign. And they’re calling the campaign “Carb Your Enthusiasm.”

New Recordings Planned The Dixie Chicks have just announced plans to rerecord every song ever written.

Party Animal There have been reports that the captured Muslim cleric Khalid Shaikh Mohammed was known to party a bit. Guess that explains where the song “Shaikh, Shaikh, Shaikh … Shaikh your booty” came from.

Neanderthals Scientists now feel that Neanderthals and modern humans did not mix and when they died, that was the end of their Neanderthal pool. How then do they explain tractor pulls?

Chain Gangs Alabama has become the first state to revive “chain gangs.” And the Alabama Attorney General pledged not to stop there. He said they've appointed a special commission to review the lyrics of every Sam Cooke song to search for additional potential improvements to the state's criminal justice system.

Cigarette Recall Tobacco giant Philip Morris is recalling its top selling brands of cigarettes because of a defect.  They must have made a batch that doesn’t cause cancer.

Gun Deaths The Centers for Disease Control says that guns are the second leading cause of premature death just behind AIDS. The CDC warns that, if you’re do have unprotected sex, don’t use a gun.

White Matter Scientists at USC report that people who habitually lie and cheat have more white matter in their brains.  Guess that’s where “little white lies” come from.

Sexual Harassment The latest data indicates that sexual harassment is down to 17% from 37% in 1992.  Researchers are now trying to evaluate how much Bill Clinton’s retirement may have impacted those statistics.

Supplement Effectiveness A new study of the supplements glucosamine and chondroitin determined that they had no effect on pain, that is, other than the fact that it is a pain to take them every day.

Concealed Weapons The Texas legislature has passed a concealed weapons bill. Unfortunately, they can't find it.

Best Gym Equipment New research shows that the best piece of equipment in the gym for cardio fitness is the treadmill. And to think that we laughed at the hamsters all these years.

Women's Memories A new study shows that estrogen appears to help protect women's memories from decline due to aging. After being given estrogen, researchers found that women once again were able to bring up things their husbands did years ago and throw it back in their faces.

Homosexual Experiences A new study found that 11% of women 18 to 44 reported having at least one homosexual experience. And 95% of men reported they would like to watch.

Kissing the King's Hand The new Saudi King has banned the kissing of his hand. The King did add however, that kissing his ass will still be permitted.

Hearing Loss A Louisiana man claims in a lawsuit that Apple's iPod music player causes hearing loss. When asked if they were aware that iPod's may cause hearing loss, an Apple spokesperson said "we haven't heard a thing."

Dulls the Appetite British scientists announced that they have discovered a substance that dulls the appetite. It's called British food.

Dangerous Clubs Utah has outlawed gay student clubs, saying such clubs "recruit others into a lifestyle that can kill them." I guess that means they'll be banning ROTC too.

Cornfield Art A New Jersey farmer mowed down a 60-foot-wide swastika someone had hacked out in his cornfield. The farmer says he has no idea how it got there, but has a theory: "Fascist pigs."

Potholes New York City is expecting twenty thousand potholes from this winter's blizzard. City officials are concerned that there may not be enough streets to accommodate them.

Reason for Murder A New Jersey neurologist's wife has been arrested for killing her husband. When asked why she did it, the women said "he got on my nerves."

Smoking Risk New research shows that cigarette smokers have a 68% higher risk of impotence. Now we know why people smoke after sex.

Water Safety A report put out by the Environment Protection Agency says that 40% of the nation's fresh water is unsafe. To be on the safe side, next time you have a glass of water, pour half of it out.

Profanity in School A girl in the second grade was suspended from school after using the word "hell" in class. School officials say that if anyone uses profanity, there will be hell to pay.

Concealed Weapons The Texas legislature has passed a concealed weapons bill. Unfortunately, they can't find it.

Christmas Tree Workers in Cleveland mounted a 57 foot spruce Christmas tree. Wow! Don't they have girls in Cleveland?

Tourette’s Syndrome Researchers say they’ve found a gene that contributes to Tourette’s Syndrome. Next, researchers plan to study why so many of those who carry the gene tend to become truck drivers.

Naughty Pictures A 50-year-old Swedish man was arrested after attempting to get pictures and movies developed showing him having sex with two cows. Authorities say the man treated the poor cows as nothing more than just a "piece of meat."

Across the Boarder Polls are showing that Americans are growing impatient over the volume of Mexicans sneaking across the boarder seeking work. I don't really have a problem with that. My only issue with Mexicans is over what they did to Billy Bob Thornton and Jason Patric at the Alamo.

Intelligent Design? Have you ever noticed that most people who advocate "Intelligent Design" usually aren't?

Father of the Child? Zsa Zsa Gabor's husband is now saying he may actually be ther father of Anna Nicole Smith's child. So far, just about the only person not claiming paternity of the child is Mary Chaney.

No Meds? Rush Limbaugh created quite a stir when he suggested that Michael J Fox, who appeared shaking uncontrollably in a pro-stem cell commercial, was either faking it or did not take his meds. And who should know better than Rush Limbaugh about what going off meds looks like?