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In the News Walk a Mile in My Shoes: A Columbus, Ohio man is reporting that his car broke down and that he had to walk the entire way to an appointment at his podiatrist’s office. Personal Fouls: NFL officials say they are disturbed by the alarming amount of personal fouls committed in the league this year. However, some psychologists point out that its much nicer to commit a personal foul than an impersonal one. Hair for Sale: A clump of hair believed to have been trimmed from Elvis Presley's head has sold for $15,000 at a Chicago auction house. Wow! That’s a lot of money for a clump of hair! At that rate of return, we could retire the entire national debt just by cutting a small strip off Robin Williams’ back. Transplant Woes: Papworth Hospital, a leading UK medical facility has defended its practice of using organs donated by smokers after a soldier died after receiving the cancerous lungs of a heavy smoker. Papworth executives expressed hope that the negative publicity doesn’t additionally jeopardize the hospital’s practice of using alcoholics as donors for liver transplants. Dancing Stars: Tom Delay surprised everyone by announcing that he was quitting Dancing With the Stars because of stress fractures on both feet. Watching Tom Delay dance reminded me of some words of wisdom my dear mother told me just before she passed on which was “son, never spend hard-earned money to watch white people dance.” Racism Still Around: Some are claiming that election of Barack Obama and his subsequent winning of the Nobel Prize may signal the decline of racism worldwide. I don’t know about that. There’s still a “whites only” cycle on my washing machine. Fallen Income: Celebrity gossip columns are reporting that singer Amy Winehouse’s net worth has fallen from $16 million to $2 million just this past year. When reached for comment, Winehouse attributed everything to the fact that the cost of living has increased to over $125 a gram. Hung Jury: A jury in a recent forgery trail in Littlerock, Arkansas became deadlocked and the judge declared them a “hung jury.” I’m thinking wow, hanging seems like a pretty stiff penalty for not being able to reach a verdict! Good News for Whales: The Federal Government is considering removing the once nearly extinct Humpback whale off the endangered species list because it is making such a big comeback. Guess they’ve made it over the hump. Stress and Overeating: A new study says that sleep deprivation and stress can lead to overeating. So if you find yourself staying up nights, worried that you’re not gonna get to Dunk’n Donuts before they close, you pretty much may as well go ahead and open up an account at the nearest plus size boutique. Playmate Marge: Cartoon character Marge Simpson will appear with a two page centerfold in the November issue of Playboy. You can bet that her body parts are probably a lot less fake than any of the “real” playmates. Dinner Halted: Sheriff’s deputies broke up a steak dinner fundraiser at First Christian Church in Canton, Ohio after authorities claimed the church failed to get the proper permits to serve food. Guess that must have fell under the separation of church and steak. A Medium: Went out with a girl over the weekend who claimed that she was a medium. I said “I’m sorry but I just don’t buy that medium crap. You look more like an extra-large to me.” Sex Tape: An aide to former Presidential candidate John Edwards claims that the ex-senator and his former mistress once made a sex tape. The way I look at it is, if a Presidential candidate must make a sex tape, let’s just be grateful that it wasn’t John McCain. Erasing Bad Memories: In a recent issue of Nature Neuroscience, researchers say they believe they’ve discovered a substance that could help erase bad memories in humans. Scientists say that while all tests aren’t yet complete, they have identified the substance as a brown liquid and that it appears to say Jack Daniels on the label. NFL Forgetfulness: A study commissioned by the National Football League reports that Alzheimer’s disease or similar memory-related diseases appear in NFL players at nineteen times the normal rate for men their age. Frightening stats, unless you’re a former member of the 1976 Tampa Bay Buccaneers (0-14) who consider this welcome news. Late Show Blackmail Plot: David Letterman has publicly acknowledged that he has had sexual relationships with female staffers on his show and that someone has tried to extort $2 million from him to keep the affairs from going public. This, of course, is in stark contrast to my life, where most of the women I’ve had relations with would probably be willing to pay me not to mention it. This Town Stinks: The tiny town of Bridgewater, South Dakota is suing to recover cleanup costs from a company that abandoned a local meat plant, leaving behind what is being described as an almost unimaginable stink from 44 tons of rotted bison meat. Guess you could consider the cleanup cost sort of a “buffalo bill.” Body Shape: A new study says that “pear shaped” women have a significantly higher risk of asthma. Because of this, doctors now caution women who desire that their bodies be shaped like a type of fruit, make sure you choose your fruit wisely. In a related study, people who have “turkey neck” were found to be more likely to attend Thanksgiving dinner than those with “cauliflower ear.” Economic Advice from Alaska: Former Alaska Governor Sara Palin has just returned from giving a closed door speech to investors in Hong Kong, for which she was reportedly paid three hundred thousand dollars. When asked if she sees any parallels between today’s economy and the “the Great Depression,” Palin expressed her doubts, pointing out that back in the 1920‘s and 30’s we didn’t have drugs such as Prozac or Zoloft to treat depression like we have today. Sight Restored: A sixty year-old Mississippi woman had her sight restored after a tooth was implanted in her eye as a base to hold a prosthetic lens. I was wondering how in the world could they implant a tooth into someone’s eye? Then it occurred to me, they must have used one of her eye teeth. Moose Advisory Committee?: Minnesota's Moose Advisory Committee is calling on the state to do more to preserve and develop the moose habitat in Minnesota. Get serious! Minnesota has a “Moose Advisory Committee?” And the committee’s two most prominent members are Rocky Raccoon and Bullwinkle J. Moose aka Rocky and Bullwinkle? Better off Dead: Research released by the American Journal of Public Health estimates that 45,000 deaths per year in the United States are associated with the lack of health insurance. An insurance industry spokesperson countered that we should all be grateful that these people were lucky enough to die before getting old enough to have to appear before one of the government’s death panels. Lifetime Achievement Award: Fugitive director Roman Polanski, who fled the United States after being convicted on charges of having sex with a minor back in 1977, has been detained in Switzerland where he was to receive a lifetime achievement award. I never realized that there’s a lifetime achievement award for having sex with minors. Martial Arts Practitioner: A man who was so proficient in the martial arts that his hands were once licensed, was recently beaten up and left for dead on a New York City street. When asked how this could happen to someone so accomplished that his hands were once licensed, city officials said that’s what can happen when no one renews the license. Dog Snatched: Jessica Simpson has put up reward posters all around her neighborhood asking for the return of her toy Maltese poodle which was reportedly snatched right in front of her by a coyote. Now everyone’s aware that Jessica Simpson isn’t exactly the brightest person who’s ever walked the planet, but I think someone to ought to mention to her that coyotes aren’t known to spend a lot of time reading notices posted in local neighborhoods and its pretty unlikely that a coyote could be swayed to give up a meal by the promise of reward money. More Books?: Reports are circulating that Jurassic Park author Michael Crichton, who passed away last November, will have two more books coming out later this year or next. It makes you wonder how he can still put out more books when he’s dead? Then it occurred to me, he must have a ghost writer. Crazy Field Trips: Authorities in the state of Washington have recaptured a criminally insane killer who escaped while on a field trip to a county fair. What a terrific idea, taking a criminally insane killer on a field trip to a county fair! And while you’re at it, why not add to the fun by taking Osama Bin Laden on a tour of US Defense facilities or perhaps inviting Roman Polanski to visit a local day care center? Fish of the Day: Went to a north shore restaurant where the waiter told me that the fish-of-the-day was Gray Snapper. Now everyone’s heard of Red Snapper, but what the hell is Gray Snapper? A Snapper who’s hit middle age? And will the makers of “Just for Men” soon be coming out with a “Just for Snapper?” New Saxophone: A girl I know who is a musician called the other day to tell me she had just gotten a new saxophone and then played it for me over the phone. Afterwards, I thought, did I just have phone sax? Six Flags: Amusement Park operator Six Flags has filed for bankruptcy. The corporation says will now go by the name “Six White Flags.” During the bankruptcy hearing, company officials admitted that their policy of accepting customer IOU’s for admittance to rides probably was a big mistake. Smelly Commuters: The Honolulu City Council has dropped plans to ban smelly persons from public transit vehicles. The council decided that the law wasn’t really needed because not that many politicians ride public transportation anyway. Bad Investment: Actor Tom Selleck has been awarded more than $187,000 after a California jury found the actor was duped into buying a lame horse with a medical condition rendering it unfit to ride. Not known for his savvy investing, Selleck also reportedly lost a bundle after investing in a herd of lactose intolerant cows. Late Bloomer: A 92-year-old woman by the name of Dame Vera Lynn has become the oldest living artist to have a number one album in Britain. Now, plans have been just announced for her to join the Rolling Stones for a 50-nursing home mega-tour in the fall. And speaking of fall, tour promoters confess that this is perhaps the first time that there will be more concern about fans falling and breaking a hip than overdosing on drugs. Fond of Gardening: Police in Sylacauga, Alabama say thieves broke into the garden center at Home Depot and stole over forty rare and expensive large Kentia Palms. Sounds like the work of your typical, garden variety crooks. Loved That Girl: I once dated a girl that I worshiped the ground that she walked on, which was about 2 1/2 acres in Beverly Hills. Crappy Job: Pilots for Florida air cargo company Amerijet International claim their job is nothing short of a nightmare with no sick pay, low wages and no place to go to the bathroom on flights except in plastic bags. Don’t think I’d wanna breath the “air” in that air cargo jet. And, to make matters worse, the inflight meals consisted of coffee, prunes and bran muffins. Valium Inventor Dies: Leo Sternbach, the man who invented the drug Valium has died at age 97. The news set off a bit of a panic for the pharmaceutical markets on Wall Street. Fortunately, investors had plenty of Valium to calm them down. Stay Away from My Lunch: Dangerous flesh eating bacteria have been found for the first time in the sand and water at public beaches along the coast of the state of Washington. Attorneys representing a group of local great white sharks have filed a complaint with the EPA accusing the bacteria of trying to hone in on their territory. Women Get Prettier: Anthropologists say evolution is causing women to become increasingly more attractive while men are basically staying about the same or losing ground. Oh yea, then how do you explain Whoopi Goldberg, Rosie O’Donnell and Amy Winehouse? In other news, gay men say they don’t believe in evolution anymore. MTV Video Music Awards: It just wasn’t Taylor Swift’s night at the MTV Video Music Awards. First, Kayne West interrupted Swift’s acceptance speech for best female video. A little later in the show, Beyonce invited Taylor to come back up on stage to finish her speech, she was again interrupted when South Carolina Congressman Joe Wilson began yelling “you lie” from the audience. Bat Romance: U.S. scientists are reporting success after having spent over three years and nearly $5 million listening to thousands of recordings of love sounds emitted by romantic bats in an effort to decode exactly what sparks a bat’s romantic interests. Gee, I guess the study’s worth the time and money if you’re interested in dating bats. I could make a few suggestions myself. If dinner is on the agenda, make sure to select a place with plenty of insects on the menu. After dinner, head to a really cool, dimly-lit spot where the two of you can just “hang” for the rest of the evening. Tourism: North Korea has just agreed to reopen its border with South Korea and resume tourism ventures. Terrific news! Its about time this vacation wonderland is open again. Its hard to imagine anywhere that would be a more fun-packed vacation than North Korea. And there’s nothing like watching a military parade to honor Supreme Leader Kim Jong-il to warm the hearts of the entire family. I’ve just booked reservations at one of Pyongyang’s “no bed and no breakfast inns.” Taking the Fall: A man plunged 30 feet through a rusted-out metal plate on a New York City sidewalk after stepping outside an Off-Track betting parlor to smoke a cigar. Guess you can say smoking really is hazardous to your health. My guess is that with luck like that, we don’t have to ask how well the horse he bet on did. Movies: Last weekend, a friend of mine asked me if I wanted to come over and watch a movie she had rented called “Dances with Wolves.” I told her “no thanks, I don’t care for musicals.” Failed Again: This morning I tried to make orange juice from concentrate, but I couldn’t concentrate. Kauai Marathon: Everyone seems to be calling the Kauai Marathon a terrific success. Perhaps, but I wonder how insects such as ants might view the event if they had their own newspapers? The headlines would probably read something like, “thousands killed in stampede!” Viagra Warning: The FDA says it now plans to require Viagra and other impotence drugs to warn users of possible sudden hearing loss. All I can say is “I heard that!” Guess that explains why Viagra users enjoy watching mimes perform so much. To further emphasize the danger, the FDA says everyone issued a prescription for Viagra will now get a free iTunes download of Simon and Garfunkel’s recording of the “Sounds of Silence.” On a side note, quite a few women are asking “what’s the big deal? Many report they’ve been complaining about men’s inability to hear them long before anyone ever heard of Viagra. Expanding Pupils: The pupil of the eye expands as much as 45 percent when a person looks at something pleasing. And depending upon what you’re looking at, I’ll bet that the pupil isn’t the only thing expanding. Please Don’t Feed the Bears: A 74-year-old Colorado woman who had been repeatedly warned about feeding bears and other wildlife, has been attacked and eaten by a bear. Now there’s someone who’s really dedicated to “feeding the bears.” Wi-Fi Connection: A New York woman has become the first American recipient of a Wi-Fi pacemaker that allows her doctor to monitor her health over the Internet. A Starbucks spokesperson said that should she come into one of our coffee houses, she will be required to purchase at least one hot coffee drink per hour if she expects to stay alive. Swine Flu Victim: Colombian President Alvaro Uribe has the swine flu and officials have advised other South American leaders who met with him at a summit of the infection, authorities said. An angry President Uribe held a press conference from his hospital bed to say “I’d like to catch the swine who gave me the flu.” Antidepressant Use: New statistics show that use of antidepressant drugs in the United States doubled between 1996 and 2005. They do have their side effects though. The doctor put a friend of mine on antidepressants, now he hates depressed people. Artificial Leg: A 48-year old female elephant who lost her leg to a land mine is now walking fine after receiving an artificial leg in Thailand. Paul McCartney said that while he thinks the artificial leg is wonderful news, he has no plans to marry the elephant at this time. Helmet Laws: An analysis of federal accident reports says that death rates from motorcycle crashes have risen steadily since states began weakening helmet laws about a decade ago. Oddly enough, the report also concluded that anyone who doesn’t think they need a helmet while riding a motorcycle probably doesn’t have much up there to protect anyway. Shedding Skin: Scientists say they have recently determined that the average person sheds about 1.5 million flakes of skin per hour, much of which becomes embedded in our carpets. In response, many dermatologists say they will soon be adding carpet care to their list of services offered. Platinum Shotages: A European auto parts maker warns that shortages of platinum could result in shortages of catalytic converters which use the precious metal. Rock stars also expressed concern that if a new source of platinum isn’t found soon, their million-selling albums may go "cast iron." Home Sweet Home: Bank employees say they were shocked to find that a mouse had built a nest out of $20 bills inside an Oregon ATM machine. When asked why a mouse would choose an ATM machine to nest, real estate analysts say “location, location, location.” Bank officials report that the nest was relatively modest due to the bank’s $200 ATM withdrawal limit. Flying High: Aviation Week reports that astronauts in the not too distant past were allowed to fly on at least two occasions despite warnings they were so drunk they posed a flight risk. In related news, Amy Winehouse announced she is giving up the music business to become an astronaut. Man on the Moon: NASA this year is celebrating the 40th anniversary of man’s first walk on the moon. I had no idea its been 40 years since Michael Jackson first did the moonwalk. Disappearing Rings: In an event that happens only once every 15 years, Saturn’s rings will turn edge-on to the sun and then suddenly disappear from view. Scientists say that if their calculations are correct, the rings should vanish even faster than Jessica Simpson’s relationship with Tony Romo. Hairy Guys: Experts say that more and more men are seeking solutions for removing unwanted hair. I believe it. I have a friend who is so hairy that when he walks into a room, cats sneeze. I’ve seen cats begging for food, but this is the first time I’ve ever seen them begging for Sudafed. Underwater MP3 Player: A surfer friend of mine was really excited because he found an MP3 player that plays underwater, so now he can listen to music while surfing. I wonder if it works in hot water, because that’s where I usually seem to find myself? Bee Stings: Scientists say more Americans die each year from bee and wasp stings than from snake bites. Researchers warn that these insects are basically running a “sting operation.” Concealed Weapon: An obese, 500-pound Texas inmate has been charged after officials learned he had hidden a 9 millimeter gun in the slabs of his fat. Authorities charged him with possession of a “grotesquely concealed weapon.” I’ve always heard that obesity can be dangerous, but I had no idea this was what they meant. Horsing Around: A South Carolina man has been arrested and charged with “buggery” after he was captured on a surveillance video having sex with a horse. Sort of makes you long for the good old days when South Carolinians were simply marrying their cousins. Neighbors, who are familiar the horse, while not condoning the man’s actions, did confirm, however, that it is quite an attractive horse. Humane Society workers report the horse should be fine if it can be placed back in a “stable” environment. Against Evolution: The superintendent of the Warren, Arkansas school district says he is so against the teaching of evolution that he would personally like to rip all the pages that refer to evolution out of school text books. And he promises to do just that just as soon as he figures out how to use his thumbs. Business as Usual for New Jersey: Forty-four people, including three New Jersey mayors, two state assemblymen, several city councilmen and five rabbis have been arrested after being caught in a sting operation, accused of taking bribes, laundering money and trafficking in human organs. The problem has gotten so bad, state officials are considering appointing Rod Blagojevich governor, just to clean up the state’s image. Telling Documentary: Watched a WW II documentary last night on the History Channel. I don’t know about you, but I get a little nervous when they start numbering world wars. Makes me think that they may be planning a sequel. Wife Charged with Abuse: The wife of a prominent New Jersey neurologist has been charged with domestic abuse. When questioned by police, she said “he was getting on my nerves. Flying High: Aviation Week reports that astronauts in the not too distant past were allowed to fly on at least two occasions despite warnings they were so drunk they posed a flight risk. In related news, Amy Winehouse announced she is giving up the music business to become an astronaut. Home Sweet Home: Bank employees say they were shocked to find that a mouse had built a nest out of $20 bills inside an Oregon ATM machine. When asked why a mouse would choose an ATM machine to nest, real estate analysts say “location, location, location.” Bank officials report that the nest was relatively modest due to the bank’s $200 ATM withdrawal limit. Man on the Moon: NASA this year is celebrating the 40th anniversary of man’s first walk on the moon. I had no idea its been 40 years since Michael Jackson first did the moonwalk. Disappearing Rings: In an event that happens only once every 15 years, Saturn’s rings will turn edge-on to the sun and then suddenly disappear from view. Scientists say that if their calculations are correct, the rings should vanish even faster than Jessica Simpson’s relationship with Tony Romo. Underwater MP3 Player: A surfer friend of mine was really excited because he found an MP3 player that plays underwater, so now he can listen to music while surfing. I wonder if it works in hot water, because that’s where I usually seem to find myself? Sting Operation: Scientists say more Americans die each year from bee and wasp stings than from snake bites. Researchers warn that these insects are basically running a “sting operation.” Concealed Weapon: An obese, 500-pound Texas inmate has been charged after officials learned he had hidden a 9 millimeter gun in the slabs of his fat. Authorities charged him with possession of a “grotesquely concealed weapon.” I’ve always heard that obesity can be dangerous, but I had no idea this was what they meant. Death by Chocolate: Authorities say a man has died after falling into a vat of chocolate in a New Jersey processing plant. In an act of pure selflessness, forty women volunteered to jump in to retrieve the body. According to the coroner’s report, the victim was hard and crunchy on the outside, while soft and creamy on the inside. The man will be buried in an ornamental Easter basket/casket with the body placed on a bed of neon-green plastic shredded grass. Amy Winehouse on Trail: Recently on trail for attacking a fan, Amy Winehouse was acquitted after telling a London court that she was too short to have punched a fan in the face, pointing out that her trademark beehive hairdo “makes her look much taller than she really is.” Court observers noted that while on the witness stand, Winehouse wore a very conservative outfit, which made her appear much more sane than she really is. Sniffing Gasoline: An Australian aboriginal man, who some claim had been sniffing gasoline, burst into flames after being tasered by police. Police warn that sniffing gasoline is a very stupid thing for someone to do. Especially with gas prices being so high. Postponing Divorce: New statistics show that more and more couples are postponing getting a divorce because of the recession. I believe it. I have a friend who says that every time he has a fight with his wife, he checks to see how the Dow is doing. Phone Sex: Met a girl online who wanted to have phone sex, but I found myself at a loss for words. Bad Dog: I have a neighbor who claims that a neighborhood dog is tearing up her yard which the dog’s owner denies, so to prove it, she hired a private detective to put a tail on him. No Gay Police: The town of Hutchinson, Kansas is trying to prevent gay applicants from joining the local police force. City officials say that “if gays are allowed to join the force, at some point they may have to permit poodles to become police dogs.” Porn Stars’ Complaint: Porn stars are complaining that the internet’s demand for videos which can be downloaded very quickly means that the movies they make have hardly any plot or dialogue anymore. Many say that without the plot or dialogue, they are beginning to feel like nothing more than sex objects. Cat Problems Took my cat to the vet because he wasn’t eating. The vet did some tests and said his liver had a slight accumulation of fat which often causes a cat to be anorexic. I didn’t realize cats could be anorexic, but then I remembered all the times I came home from work and found him playing Karen Carpenter songs on my iPod and it suddenly all made sense to me. Take a Hike South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford who had been missing for days and who’s spokesman claimed he was hiking along the Appalachian Trail, has admitted he was cheating on his wife. Now its her turn to tell him to take a hike. Nestle Plant Closure A Nestle plant facility that manufactures refrigerated cookie-dough products linked to an outbreak of illness E. coli has temporarily closed, and 300,000 cases of cookie dough recalled. A company spokesperson says they want to protect the public health even though it will cost us a lot of dough. Liver Transplant The Wall Street Journal is reporting that Apple CEO Steve Jobs moved from California to Tennessee in order to get a liver transplant. At first I thought, why Tennessee? Then, when I thought about it, it all made sense. Tennessee is the home to Jack Daniel’s whiskey. Where else would they know more about dealing with destroyed livers than Tennessee? Memory Foam Mattress I was shopping in Costco the other day and came across a display selling memory foam mattresses. A mattress with a memory? I don’t wanna sound paranoid, but who would want a mattress that remembers everything you ever did in bed? Sense of Smell The Food and Drug Administration said consumers should stop using Zicam Cold Remedy nasal gel and related products because they can permanently damage the sense of smell. The FDA said that many people reported that, after using the spray, they could walk into and public restroom and not be able to smell shit. Six Flags Troubles Amusement Park operator Six Flags has filed for bankruptcy. The corporation will now go by the name “Six White Flags.” Unabomber to Court Convicted "Unabomber" Ted Kaczynski, who terrorized the country with a series of mail bombs over nearly two decades, is fighting to stop a public auction of his diaries and other personal possessions. Guess he’s afraid that releasing the diaries could damage his image. Brooke In Touch Brooke Shields says she wishes she would have had sex a lot earlier because it would have made her much more in touch with herself. Perhaps the reason she was not having sex earlier was because she was touching herself. For the Environment Australian model Miranda Kerr says she decided to appear naked in Rolling Stone for the environment, and specifically the Koalas. Now how’s that supposed to make the wallaby’s feel? No Gay Marriage in California The California Supreme Court has ruled to uphold the Proposition 8 ban on gay marriage. Critics claim that Republicans don’t even want to believe that humans evolved into homosapians because it has the word “homo” in it. Left-Handed Life Span Scientists say that on average, right-handed people live 9 years longer than their left-handed counterparts. Left-handers claim that is just not right. Compressed Air Car Zero Pollution Motors is trying to bring a car to U.S. roads by early 2011 that's powered by compressed air. A company spokesperson says America is a good place for a compressed air car because of our consumption of beans and hot dogs. No Smiling In an attempt to stop driver's license fraud, four states (Arkansas, Indiana, Nevada and Virginia) are ordering people not to smile for their license photos. Shouldn’t be too difficult to enforce, there isn’t much to smile about if you live in those states anyway. In Touch Brooke Shields says she wishes she would have had sex a lot earlier because it would have made her "much more in touch with myself." Perhaps the reason she was not having sex earlier was because she was touching herself. Opposites Attract A Brazilian study that found people are subconsciously more likely to choose a partner whose genetic make-up is different to their own. If that is the case, Britney Spears’ next husband will be a Rhodes Scholar. Cynthia Nixon Engaged Sex in the City star Cynthia Nixon has announced her engagement to female pal Christine Marinoni. She was previously married to photographer Danny Mozes. Too bad her new sweetie isn’t into photography. You can bet they could provide some interesting photographs. Porn Star's Death An autopsy concluded that former porn star Marilyn Chambers died of an aneurysm. The coroner’s office added that there is no evidence that an aneurysm is some kind of kinky sex act. Bible Quotes The Pentagon said that it no longer includes a Bible quote on the cover page of the daily intelligence briefings it sends to the White House as it did during the Bush years. Guess this means that the Obama Administration will not go forward with the previous administration’s plans to invade Babylonia. Cheney's Bunker Aids for Vice President Joe Biden deny the VP divulged the location of the bunker Dick Cheney used after the September 11th attacks. Biden’s people say how could the location have been Cheney’s bunker? There were no bats in it! Flu Closure A Maui jail has reopened after being closed following a flu scare. County officials warn that a similar scare at the mental health facility could result in a “one flu over the cuckoo’s nest” situation. Cleaning Out the Fridge Firefighters had to evacuate the AT&T building in downtown San Jose after the flagrant fumes created by office worker cleaning an old fridge created a smell so noxious that it sent seven co-workers to the hospital and made twenty-eight others ill. The fridge must have been full of old AT&T calling plans. No Wind Power Here The Kauai County Planning Commission is balking at the request of a Kilauea farmer to install a wind turbine to provide power for his farm, saying it could endanger bats flying in the area. Critic say that the concern for bats just proves that the Planning Commission is in the pocket of the Vampire lobby. Special Note: I'd like to catch the swine who gave me the flu. Domestic Violence Seminar A Saudi judge angered many women in the audience at a seminar on domestic violence after saying that husbands are allowed to slap their wives if they spend lavishly. Apparently the judge thought he was attending a “how to” on domestic violence. Interrogation Techniques New documents seem to indicate that House Speaker Nancy Pelosi may have been briefed about harsh interrogation techniques and that she did not object, a charge she has repeatedly denied. Looks like the only way to get her to talk is to waterboard her. Quitting Smoking Offering clues as to why smokers often gain weight after quitting, a new study suggests that smoking enhances the activity of the gene AZGP1 which helps break down body fat. Of course the fact that a former smoker consumes fifty pounds of Gummy Bears in a day has nothing to do with it. Erase Bad Memories Scientists say they have discovered a drug that could erase bad memories in humans. Unfortunately, they can’t remember what it was. Bad Influence Joe the Plumber, in an interview with Christianity Today, said he would never let “queers” near his children. Joe added that he only wants his children exposed to the fine examples provided by the Republican Party, like corporate tax cheats, Wall Street shucksters and people who torture political prisoners. The Stewmaker A suspect in police custody who calls himself a "stewmaker" for a Mexican drug lord, saying he disposed of about 300 bodies by dissolving them in acid. That’s as opposed to the 60’s when drug dealers dissolved minds with acid. No Gay Marriage in Arkansas Arkansas has passed a measure to ban marriage between same sex couples. Proponents say we want “normal relationships” in Arkansas like those between farmers and barn yard animals and brothers and sisters. Arm Transplants A German farmer who received the world’s first double arm transplant is doing well. Doctors pronounced the surgery a success when he was able to hold the hospital billing department off at an arms length. Oldest Rocks on Earth Scientists claim to have found the oldest known rocks on Earth, which are believed to be 4.28 billion years old. Initially, some geologists were skeptical until John McCain confirmed he could vouch for the rock’s age. Arm in Sling Cindy McCain’s arm is in a sling, reportedly from someone shaking her hand too vigorously. That’s why I always give politicians the finger. Just as a precaution. New Alzheimer's Drug UK scientists have developed a drug which may halt the progression of Alzheimer's disease. Now if they can just remember to take it. Senior Editors While at the dentist, I saw an AARP publication that had an article which was written by a “senior editor.” I'm thinking aren’t they all “senior editors?” Cutting Poverty The number of Americans living in poverty has dropped recently and Republicans are attributing that drop to the cuts in Welfare. The Bush Administration is also are hoping that by cutting Medicare, they’ll be able to trigger reductions in the number of the elderly. Sleeping Babies A Saint Louis University study shows that babies who sleep in adult beds can be up to 40 times more likely to suffocate. To test their hypothesis, researchers placed babies in bed between Kirstie Alley and John Goodman. Monkeys Go Fishing Scientists say they have discovered a group of macaque monkeys that actually fish. Skeptics wonder if they are really fishing or just monkeying around. Genetic Map Dutch scientists say they have mapped the full genetic sequence of a woman for the first time. Researchers say they hope to one day discover the source of the female Nordstrom’s store locator gene. Mars Landing The U.S. space agency's rover Phoenix has landed and is sending images back from Mars. Scientists were shocked to discover that Starbuck’s had already opened a coffee house within walking distance from the landing site. Lazy Eye Prozac, the popular antidepressant, might also be an effective treatment for adults with a "lazy eye.” Especially if you’re depressed about having lazy eye. What Mothers Eat A recent study says that a pregnant women’s diet may influence the sex of her child. I don’t know about gender, but you can pretty much guess what your sexual orientation is gonna be if your mom ate kumquats. Snail Consumption In France, people eat approximately 500,000,000 snails per year. In the event of a shortage, it is feared people may slug it out. Potholes New York City is expecting 20,000 potholes from blizzards this coming winter. City officials are concerned that there may not be enough streets to accommodate them. Hip Replacement Rumor has it that aging rock star Prince is scheduled to have a secret hip replacement. Guess he wants it secret because its pretty difficult to look "hip" after you've had a hip replacement. Benefits of Ginger Ginger has been clinically demonstrated to work twice as well as Dramamine for fighting motion sickness, according to researchers. In fact, the madame who runs the brothel says that more patrons ask for Ginger than any of the other girls. Odd Couple A newly married English couple discovered that they were brother and sister shortly after tying the knot. When asked about their future plans, the couple said they'll probably relocate to West Virginia. Crocks Dying Authorities say as many as 26 endangered crocodiles have been found dead in northern India. Guess we don't have to guess what kind of tears were shed for them. Bad Swordfish Scare A local Santa Monica restaurant was fined after it was discovered that the swordfish they were serving was really a double-edged swordfish. Many patrons complained that after eating the swordfish, they found themselves speaking with a forked tongue. Women and Geography Researchers are trying to determine how a woman who didn’t know the difference between Washington DC and Washington State was able to identify and locate every Nordstrom's in the Western Hemisphere. Rabies Quarantine In what is being described as a major bureaucratic snafu, CNN anchor Wolf Blitzer has been placed under a 30-day rabies quarantine after landing at Honolulu International Airport in Hawaii. Bartenders Stage Protest The National Bartenders Union will stage a giant rally Monday to protest the impact global warming is having upon their jobs. Bartenders claim the ice is melting way too fast in their cocktails. Importance of a Good Education A man who was involved in a love triangle said he had to drop out because he just couldn't do the math. He's now urging other young men to study hard if they want to fulfill their dreams and fantasies. Medical Terminology In an apparent reversal of its previous position, JAMA, the Journal of the American Medical Association, now says that "up the ying-ying" is in fact not actually a medical term. Public Restrooms A influential group of sociologists and public officials are cautioning the general public not to immediately attribute that awful smell one may encounter in a Starbuck's or Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf restroom to the individual you see leaving while you are waiting to enter. Donna Shalala, the former Secretary of Health and Human Services in the Clinton Administration added "that often it was the guy before the one you see leaving who actually stunk the place up and besides, in this country, we have a long tradition of innocent until proven guilty." Conference Ponders Aging Issues At an upcoming meeting of the American Conference on Aging, scientists will tackle issues such as at what age do people begin thinking “I believe I want my next car to be a Ford Crown Victoria?” Agency Exceeds Authority Two members of the Los Angeles Port Authority admit they may have exceeded their jurisdiction when they insisted elderly diners at an Italian restaurant in Santa Monica order a 30 year-old bottle of Taylor Fladgate tawny port this past week. Diners reported they were discussing which bottle of port would be a good after dinner drink when two men from a nearby table approached, flashed their Port Authority badges and instructed them to purchase the Taylor Fladgate. Mrs. Harvery J. Finkelstein told reporters that what disturbed her the most regarding the whole affair was that "these men never asked if such an expensive wine would fit in their budget. After all, we are mostly all retired schoolteachers and many of us are on a fixed income." The men simply said "we're the Port Authority ma’am, get the wine." When contacted, an agency spokesperson confirmed that while they do have authority over most activity in the Poet of Los Angeles, they have little or no jurisdiction over what wines are to be purchased at Italian restaurants in Santa Monica. Foley Checks Into Alcohol Rehab Florida Congressman Mark Foley immediately resigned and checked into alcohol rehab after being confronted with inappropriate messages he had sent to House Pages. Alcohol rehab? It seems to me his problem isn't 15 year old Scotch. It's 15 year old boys The Red Sea Environmentalists are concerned about a plan to transfer water from the Red Sea to the faltering Dead Sea. After some resistance, it was decided that the Dead Sea is "better red than dead. Tornado Strikes Hoover Facitily Tornados struck Hoover's manufacturing facilities in North Canton, Ohio doing severe damage to several of its buildings. Scientists speculate it may be due to the fact that nature abhors a vacuum. Boston Area Plagued by Injuries Boston Public Health Officials say that hundreds of people are injured each year because of dropping their "R's." While it is widely known that the dropping of the "R" is common in this area of the country, few statistics have been kept until this time about the number of injuries resulting from the "R" droppings. Rights of the Accused A federal judge in Houston ruled the presence of TV news and camera crews accompanying DEA agents violates perpetrators' rights. From now on authorities will have to first read those who are arrested their rights such as "you have the right to get an agent, you have a right to syndication money." Budget Cuts The number of Americans living in poverty has dropped recently and Republicans are attributing that drop to the cuts in Welfare. The Administration is also are hoping that by cutting Medicare, they’ll be able to trigger reductions in the number of the elderly. SARS Health officials now think SARS could be spread by contact with fecal matter from an infected individual. Yet another reason not to take shit from anybody. Bird Flu Scientists in Germany say tests confirm that a cat died of the H5N1 bird flu virus. It is believed that the cat ate an infected bird and scientists have now issued this urgent warning: “no matter how hungry you are or how empty your refrigerator may be, avoid eating your cat.” Bush to Turn Airport Security Over to Libya In a surprise move after the controversy over turning US ports over to Dubai, President Bush today announced that he has decided to turn over control of our nation's airport security to Libya. When confronted by angry members of Congress, the President said "look, I've taken a lot of heat in the past for appointing people with no expertise to posts of vital importance such as making Michael Brown to head of FEMA when he was simply a counsel for the International Arabian Horse Association. This time I'm going to the experts. I figure who knows more about terrorism and our airlines than the Libyans? Does Pan Am Flight 103 and Lockerbie ring a bell? I've learned from my mistakes and let's face it, these Libyans know their stuff." South Dakota Abortion Bill Gov. Mike Rounds said he is inclined to sign a bill that would ban nearly all abortions in South Dakota. A spokesperson for Planned Parenthood said that while this is not exactly good news, it should have little impact because there is almost no one in South Dakota that anyone would want to have sex with anyway. New Study Questions Fitness of
Fiddles Church Gathering Brings Protesters Cheney Shoots Fellow Hunter Gillette Announces New
Razor Government Announces New Changes
for Tornado Categories Apple Announces New iPod Computer Makes Fined NBA Concerned About Increase
in Personal Fouls Pat Buchanan Says "King
Kong" Shows Why We Must Stop Illegal Immigration President Bush Defends Health
Care Spending Bush Defends Drug Company Profits Gov Reports Crack Ho Shortage Man Loses Arm After Drinking
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