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In the News
Bad Swordfish Scare A
local Santa Monica restaurant was fined after it was discovered that
the swordfish they were serving was really a double-edged swordfish.
Many patrons complained that after eating the swordfish, they found themselves
speaking with a forked tongue.
Women and Geography Researchers
are trying to determine how a woman who didn’t know the difference
between Washington DC and Washington State was able to identify and locate
every Nordstrom's in the Western Hemisphere.
Rabies Quarantine In
what is being described as a major bureaucratic snafu, CNN anchor Wolf
Blitzer has been placed under a 30-day rabies quarantine after landing
at Honolulu International Airport in Hawaii.
Bartenders Stage Protest The
National Bartenders Union will stage a giant rally Monday to protest
the impact global warming is having upon their jobs. Bartenders claim
the ice is melting way too fast in their cocktails.
Importance of a Good Education A
man who was involved in a love triangle said he had to drop out because
he just couldn't do the math. He's now urging other young men to study
hard if they want to fulfill their dreams and fantasies.
Medical Terminology In an apparent reversal
of its previous position, JAMA, the Journal of the American Medical
Association, now says that "up the ying-ying" is in fact
not actually a medical term.
Public Restrooms A influential
group of sociologists and public officials are cautioning the general
public not to immediately attribute that awful smell one may encounter
in a Starbuck's or Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf restroom to the individual
you see leaving while you are waiting to enter. Donna Shalala, the former
Secretary of Health and Human Services in the Clinton Administration
added "that often it was the guy before the one you see leaving
who actually stunk the place up and besides, in this country, we have
a long tradition of innocent until proven guilty."
Conference Ponders Aging Issues At
an upcoming meeting of the American Conference on Aging, scientists will
tackle issues such as at what age do people begin thinking “I believe
I want my next car to be a Ford Crown Victoria?”
Agency Exceeds Authority Two
members of the Los Angeles Port Authority admit they may have exceeded
their jurisdiction when they insisted elderly diners at an Italian restaurant
in Santa Monica order a 30 year-old bottle of Taylor Fladgate tawny port
this past week. Diners reported they were discussing which bottle of
port would be a good after dinner drink when two men from a nearby table
approached, flashed their Port Authority badges and instructed them to
purchase the Taylor Fladgate. Mrs. Harvery J. Finkelstein told reporters
that what disturbed her the most regarding the whole affair was that "these
men never asked if such an expensive wine would fit in their budget.
After all, we are mostly all retired schoolteachers and many of us are
on a fixed income." The men simply said "we're the Port Authority
ma’am, get the wine." When contacted, an agency spokesperson
confirmed that while they do have authority over most activity in the
Poet of Los Angeles, they have little or no jurisdiction over what wines
are to be purchased at Italian restaurants in Santa Monica.
Foley Checks Into Alcohol Rehab Florida
Congressman Mark Foley immediately resigned and checked into alcohol
rehab after being confronted with inappropriate messages he had sent
to House Pages. Alcohol rehab? It seems to me his problem isn't 15 year
old Scotch. It's 15 year old boys
The Red Sea Environmentalists
are concerned about a plan to transfer water from the Red Sea to the
faltering Dead Sea. After some resistance, it was decided that the Dead
Sea is "better red than dead.
Tornado Strikes Hoover Facitily Tornados
struck Hoover's manufacturing facilities in North Canton, Ohio doing
severe damage to several of its buildings. Scientists speculate it may
be due to the fact that nature abhors a vacuum.
Boston Area Plagued by Injuries Boston
Public Health Officials say that hundreds of people are injured each
year because of dropping their "R's." While it is widely known
that the dropping of the "R" is common in this area of the
country, few statistics have been kept until this time about the number
of injuries resulting from the "R" droppings.
Rights of the Accused A
federal judge in Houston ruled the presence of TV news and camera crews
accompanying DEA agents violates perpetrators' rights. From now on authorities
will have to first read those who are arrested their rights such as "you
have the right to get an agent, you have a right to syndication money."
Budget Cuts The number
of Americans living in poverty has dropped recently and Republicans are
attributing that drop to the cuts in Welfare. The Administration is also
are hoping that by cutting Medicare, they’ll be able to trigger
reductions in the number of the elderly.
SARS Health officials
now think SARS could be spread by contact with fecal matter from an infected
individual. Yet another reason not to take shit from anybody.
Bird Flu Scientists
in Germany say tests confirm that a cat died of the H5N1 bird flu virus.
It is believed that the cat ate an infected bird and scientists have
now issued this urgent warning: “no matter how hungry you are or
how empty your refrigerator may be, avoid eating your cat.”
Bush to
Turn Airport Security Over to Libya In a surprise move after
the controversy over turning US ports over to Dubai, President Bush
today announced that he has decided to turn over control of our nation's
airport security to Libya. When confronted by angry members of Congress,
the President said "look, I've taken a lot of heat in the past
for appointing people with no expertise to posts of vital importance
such as making Michael Brown to head of FEMA when he was simply a
counsel for the International Arabian Horse Association. This time
I'm going to the experts. I figure who knows more about terrorism
and our airlines than the Libyans? Does Pan Am Flight 103 and Lockerbie
ring a bell? I've learned from my mistakes and let's face it, these
Libyans know their stuff."
South Dakota Abortion Bill Gov.
Mike Rounds said he is inclined to sign a bill that would ban nearly
all abortions in South Dakota. A spokesperson for Planned Parenthood
said that while this is not exactly good news, it should have little
impact because there is almost no one in South Dakota that anyone would
want to have sex with anyway.
New Study Questions Fitness of
Fiddles
New research appears to debunk the common myth about being "fit
as a fiddle." In the first extensive study of its kind, researchers
at Akron University compared 100 fiddles to 100 professional athletes
over a period of five years and concluded that the fiddles not only lacked
even the most minimal criteria for fitness, but basically had almost
no athletic ability at all. Dr. Harold Dinglehimmer, the chief physiologist
who headed up the project, added that "instead of being fit, we
found the fiddles to be rather pudgy in the mid-section, although we
do have to admit that most of the fiddles did have long, slim necks."
Church Gathering Brings Protesters
As members of the Allendale, Rhode Island Episcopal Church gathered for
their annual steak dinner, they were surprised to find a rather large
group of protesters chanting outside the chapel. When one of the protesters
was asked why they opposed the dinner, she said "because we believe
in the separation of church and steak."
Cheney Shoots Fellow Hunter
An investigation is pending after Vice President Dick Cheney shot a fellow
hunter in the face and chest with shotgun pellets. The men were on
a weekend quail hunting trip at a South Texas ranch when the shooting
occurred. The controversy stems from the fact that Cheney originally
told investigators that he thought he was firing on Aaron Burr, but
later changed his story insisting that he was forced to squeeze a round
off quickly because a deadly quail was threatening to attack, adding
that "our intelligence indicates that there is no greater threat
to national security than wild quail."
Gillette Announces New
Razor
In the latest development in the razor wars, Gillette announced it will
soon begin selling a new razor with 137 blades. The new razor will weigh
70 pounds and come with a shoulder harness for stability. When asked
how practical such a razor would be, a company spokesman said that “practicality
is not the issue. The issue is which razor has the most blades. If you’re
shaving at the gym and the guy next to you is using a razor with only
3 or 4 blades, there’s an element of pride going on here.”
Government Announces New Changes
for Tornado Categories
The National Weather Service said it is changing how it categorizes tornadoes
after finding that it doesn't take 300 mph winds to disintegrate homes.
Joe Schaefer, director of the service's Storm Prediction Center, said
he realized the changes were necessary after watching a video of the "Three
Little Pigs" with his younger daughter Amy in which the Big Bad
Wolf was simply able to huff and puff and blow the house down. In addition,
Schaefer said his agency will also be contacting local communities where
wolves are likely to be present and ask them to reconsider building codes.
Apple Announces New iPod
In its quest for an ever smaller iPod, Apple Computer today announced
an iPod that is so small, it cannot be seen by the naked eye. Unfortunately,
the product may not be available for some time due to the fact that
after the iPods were manufactured, no one could find them.
Computer Makes Fined
The SEC announced it will fine several prominent computer makers after
it was discovered that the companies have been subsisting computer
chips with potato chips. The switch was initially discovered when UCLA
student Lisa Swartzbaum took her new computer to a repair shop where
the potato chips were immediately discovered. Ms Swartzbaum did say
that the chips were absolutely delicious (sort of a French-Onion flavor),
but she needed her computer to be functional so she could do her homework.
NBA Concerned About Increase
in Personal Fouls
The NBA has issued a statement expressing concern at the increased amount
of personal fouls committed this season. A spokesman for Player's Union
countered that the concern is completely unwarranted and believes that
a personal foul is much better than the impersonal fouls committed in
other sports, adding that a personal foul can in fact make the recipient
(of the foul) feel rather "special." The Player's Union spokesman
pointed out that "personal fouls in the NBA are often accompanied
by flowers and invitations to dinner and dancing after the game at very
upscale establishments. Overall, these fouls can have a positive effect
on player moral and self-esteem."
Pat Buchanan Says "King
Kong" Shows Why We Must Stop Illegal Immigration
Conservative anti-immigration activist Patrick J. Buchanan said today
that the new film "King Kong" demonstrates how dangerous it
can be to bring immigrants into this country, even on a temporary work
visa. According to Buchanan, "many immigrants aren't even grateful
for all the opportunities they are offered here. Look at the facts. King
Kong is from a third world country or even worse as they don't have to
battle dinosaurs in third world countries. He is brought to glitzy, glamorous
New York, he's given a good job at a time when so many were out of work
during the Depression (he only had to do one show a week), he had a beautiful
blonde girlfriend and still he's not happy. Some are just never satisfied."
President Bush Defends Health
Care Spending
President Bush today answered critics who claim his administration is
not spending enough money on health care. The President said he plans
to allocate sixteen million dollars to distribute flyers to expectant
mothers urging them to avoid sleeping on down pillows, which could effectively
elimate most cases of Downs Syndrome.
Bush Defends Drug Company Profits
President Bush today defended what some are calling exorbinate profits
of drug makers by pointing out the important role they play in our
economy. The President went on to say that "had Eli Lilly invented
Prozac back in the 1930's, there might not have been a Great Depression."
Gov Reports Crack Ho Shortage
The US Bureau of Labor Statistics indicated this week that several major
metropolitan areas across the country are experiencing a shortage of
quality crack ho's. The agency added that "while there are still
plenty of crack ho's for all who need them, quality crack ho's are
becoming more difficult to find. It important to bring this data to
the public's attention before the shortage becomes critical."
Man Loses Arm After Drinking
Tea
A 57 year-old Detroit man is suing Starbuck's after to having to have
his left arm amputated shortly after he consumed a cup of Green Tea at
the popular establishment. Medical experts concluded that the man must
have been served gangrene tea by instead of their regular Green Tea.
Cost of Housing
The government reported today that the cost of housing now consumes nearly
40% of an individual's income. A West Virginia man added that "it's
getting so bad I was considering moving back with my parents. Then
I thought about it and decided that it would just be too much of a
hassle. They're both dead."
Bush Admits Voting for Kerry
In a small press room in Columbus, Georgia, President Bush startled an
audience of reporters by stating that he had in fact voted for Massachusetts
Senator John Kerry in the last election. The President continued adding "look,
if you listen to a lot of people in this country, you'd come away thinking
I have no conscience at all. Nothing could be further from the truth.
As President, I get a close look at what goes on in this administration
because I attend a lot of their meetings. Occasionally, I'm even permitted
to participate in them. I see first first hand the lying, the cheating,
the back-stabbing, the personal attacks as well as deliberate distortions
of the truth. I know exactly what kind of people we're dealing with
here and all I can say is I could never vote for such graft and corruption.
And that's why I voted for John Kerry. I want people to know that their
president really does cares.
P. Diddy Drops the "P" and
Some Say Prostate Issues May Be the Reason
Hip-hop artist P. Diddy has dropped the P. from his name, leaving some
to speculate that the singer may be experiencing prostate enlargement
and does not wish to be reminded how difficult it is to urinate by having
the word Pee come up every time someone calls his name. In a statement
released to the press, Diddy said that "I felt like the 'P' was
getting between me and my fans." It certainly was, one source said
privately. Every time he'd begin singing a song, the urge to pee was
so strong that he'd have to stop and go take a whiz, thereby losing the
connection with his audience.
Bush Asks Nation's Pet Owners
to Help Flood Victims
President Bush today responded to criticism that he has been slow to
help flood victims by indicating his administration will be organizing
a push to have pet owners send their dogs and cats to the flooded areas
in the hopes that their fur will soak up some of the excess water from
the flooding.
President Bush Asks Americans
to Pray President George W. Bush today asked Americans to
pray for the victims of the devastating hurricane. In a brief statement,
the President said we should pray that the he (President Bush) and
the federal government (his administration) become motivated enough
to send help to the many homeless and injured. The President says he
strongly believes in the power of prayer and hoped God would hear our
prayers and motivate he and his administration to do something about
the situation. "I realize that what we asking for here is basically
a miracle," he added, "but miracles do happen."
Bush Offers Permanent Solution
for Hurricane Prevention
President Bush today responded to criticism that the government did not
prepare properly or do enough to assist the hurricane Katrina victims
by announcing his plan to end all hurricanes. The President said he will
immediately instruct the Army Corps of engineers to begin cutting down
trees wherever they encounter them. When asked why, the President said "its
very simple. Trees produce oxygen. Oxygen makes air, which in turn can
become wind which turn into tornados, hurricanes and typhoons. You see,
tornados, hurricanes and typhoons kill our citizens. I say, kill the
damn tress before they kill you!"
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