Kim Kardashian Has a Baby Girl:  TMZ reports that Kim Kardashian has given birth to a baby girl, one month before she was due—and Kanye West was there for the whole thing.  Congratulations to Kim and Kanye.  Condolences to the baby.

Hands-Free Voice-Activated Technology Still Unsafe:  According to a new study by the AAA, even drivers who are using hands-free voice-activated technology are still distracted and have slower reaction times.  This was found to be especially true for people using voice-activated blow-up dolls.

Tanning Mom Sent to Detox:  A New Jersey woman widely known as “the tanning mom” was sent to a temporary detox facility after allegedly being totally intoxicated at the Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport.  People say she was drinking everything under the sun and then tried to give police some half-baked excuse.

Nazi Commander Found Living in Minnesota:  A top commander of a Nazi SS-led unit lied to U.S. immigration officials about his military service in 1949 in order to get into the United States, and has been living in a heavily Ukrainian town in Minnesota ever since.  Legal experts say that given the nature of the crime, having to spend all those years in Minnesota is still not punishment enough. 

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E-Cigarettes Are Now in Vogue:  The devices that mimic tobacco cigarettes are growing in popularity even as regulators in Europe and the United States are evaluating their risks.  Probably a smart move.  Don’t want anyone to come down with e-cancer.

Simi Valley Teacher Accused of Having Sex With Student:  A 32-year-old woman described as an “exemplary teacher” at Garden Grove Impact Academy has pleaded not guilty to charges that she had a sexual relationship with a male student at the elementary school.  What’s with all these female teachers having sex with their students lately?  Hell, why pay for a hooker, just enroll in a class.

Scientists May Have Uncovered Origin of 6-Pack Abs:  Researchers in Australia and Sweden say they were shocked to find that an ancient armored fish named placoderms had well-defined abdominal muscles, not unlike the human equivalents.  Scientists say the male placoderms may have used their well-defined abs to attract really “shallow” females.

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Japanese Eye Licking Trend Is Dangerous:  A new trend in Japan which involves licking a friend or lover’s eyeballs can lead to bacterial infections and possibly even blindness.  Gross, but still not half as disgusting as the “butt-licking trend” that goes on every day in workplaces across America.

Woman Uses Power Saw on Sleeping Husband:  Police say an Everett, Wash. woman stands accused of cutting her sleeping husband’s neck and shoulder with a power saw.  The wife claimed her husband was sawing logs and being a dutiful wife, she thought she’d grab a saw and help him out.

S.F. Parking Spot Sells for $82K:  Things in real-estate-cramped San Francisco just got more bizarre as an 8-by-12-foot parking space in an enclosed garage in San Francisco just sold for $82,000, only two weeks after going on the market.  And that doesn’t even include the price of the dumpster that the guy plans to live in. 

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Female Terrorists Getting Exploding Breast Implants:  British spy satellites have apparently intercepted terrorist communications from Pakistan and Yemen, talking about women suicide bombers getting explosives put inside breast implants.  We can only hope that any terrorist who tries something like this gets busted.

Man Defaces Queen’s Portrait:  An electrician will appear in court, accused of defacing a portrait of the Queen Elizabeth II in Westminster Abbey with spray paint.  There’s an elderly woman in Spain named Celia Gimenez who might be able to fix it.  She’s done some really unbelievable restorations on Frescos.  

Models Eating Cotton Balls to Lose Weight:  Bria Murphy, Eddie Murphy’s 23-year-old model daughter, has revealed to the media that some models, in an effort to stay thin, swallow cotton balls dipped in fruit juice to make them feel full.  Models eating cotton balls?  Hell, that must mean my dog wants to be a model.  I have to be honest, I didn’t even realize that cotton had balls. 

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Woman Kills Boyfriend with Stiletto Heel:  What started with a Houston couple having a pleasant dinner and drinks at a local restaurant, ended up in a heated argument and the girl killing her boyfriend with the stiletto heel of her shoe.  I have no idea what the hell they were arguing about, but it sounds like he got the point.  

Two-Faced Kitten Born in Oregon:  A rare kitten with two faces has born in Oregon and the vet has pronounced her in good health, adding that she meows loudly from both of mouths.  My question is, does this mean the cat has 18 lives?  Poor thing will have to go through life with everyone calling it four-eyes.  On a positive note, the cat qualifies to become the congressional mascot.

Bill Clinton Named Father of the Year:  Bill Clinton has been awarded the title of Father-of-the-Year, which has been presented by the National Father’s Day Committee since 1942, at a New York City luncheon.  Sources on the committee say other fathers came close, but no cigar. 

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Tourist Feared Eaten By Cannibals:   A German tourist has disappeared under mysterious circumstances on the South Pacific island of Nuku Hiva when shortly thereafter, human bones were found in a remote fire pit, triggering media speculation that he was eaten by cannibals.  Now part of the joy of traveling is sampling local cuisine, but I could see where it could take much of the fun out of it if you discover that the local cuisine is actually you. 

Half of Detroit Functionally Illiterate:  A new report finds that Detroit’s population fell by 25% in the last decade and of those that stuck around, nearly half of them are functionally illiterate.  On a sad note, the study also concluded that far too many Detroit residents are ugly too.

Man Plans Model Airplane Attack:  Rezwan Ferdaus, a 26-year-old Massachusetts man with a physics degree, has been arrested for plotting an attack on the U.S. Capitol with a $6,500 remote-controlled model aircraft, which he planned to fill with C-4 plastic explosives.  Friends expressed shock, saying that this guy was always a model citizen.

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Gun Rights for the Mentally Ill:  Across the country, states are increasingly restoring the right to carry firearms to people who had previously lost that right due to a mental illness.  Lawmakers defended the action, pointing out that it would simply be unconscionable to leave our nation’s mentally ill defenseless against a better-equipped and heavily-armed imaginary enemy.

Bear Attacks Elderly Bedridden Woman in New Mexico:  New Mexico State wildlife officials say an 82-year-old bedridden woman suffered scratches on her face and head when a 400-pound black bear broke into her northern New Mexico home and attacked her.  Officials say the attack doesn’t appear to be sexually motivated.

New Study Claims Eating Nuts Healthy:  A new report published found that adults who incorporate nuts into their diets don’t need to limit consumption after a review of 31 studies showed eating nuts helped reduce waist sizes by more than half an inch.  Researchers say that while eating nuts may be healthy, sitting next to one on a plane can make you crazy.  

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John Malkovich Aides Bleeding Man:  Actor John Malkovich came to the rescue on a Toronto street when a tourist in the city, tripped and fell, slashed his neck on some scaffolding and then began bleeding profusely.  Some are calling him a hero, but others say he was just “Being John Malkovich.”

Erin Brockovich Arrested While Boating in Nevada:  Environmental activist Erin Brockovich, portrayed by Julia Roberts in a 2000 movie about her fight over the pollution of a California town, was arrested on suspicion of boating while intoxicated at Lake Mead near Las Vegas.  Kind of ironic to think about Erin Brockovich being totally polluted.  If they ever make another movie about her, guess they’ll have to get Lindsay Lohan to portray her.

Porn Star Sentenced For Exposing Co-Porn Stars To Syphilis:  Porn star Mr. Marcus was convicted of knowingly exposing two co-stars to syphilis and has been sentenced to 30 days in jail.  A guy like this could end up giving pornographers a bad name.  After reading this story, I can’t help thinking my poor mother was really on to something when she used to tell us kids, “take that out of your mouth, you don’t know where it’s been.”

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Steven Seagal to Promote Russian Arms Industry:  Deputy Prime Minister Dmitry Rogozin announced that action star Steven Seagal has just signed a deal to be the face promoting Russia’s arms industry.  Really?  He looks as if he just swallowed one of their tanks. 

Producers Can’t Remember Walking Dead Actress:  Producers from The Walking Dead and Vampire Diaries say they can’t remember actress Shannon Rogers Guess who has been arrested for allegedly mailing letters laced with ricin to President Obama and New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg.  Authorities say this is the first confirmed Zombie attack on the USA.

Evidence Found of Water on Mars:  NASA scientists have announced that the Mars rover has found what appears to be a clay-rich rock — a clue to past water on the planet, indicating that Mars could have supported life about 3 1/2 billion years ago.  NASA was very quick to point out that, much like Cleveland, there is very little chance that any life on Mars would have been intelligent life.  

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Financial Institutions Rejecting Porn Industry:  CNBC is reporting that many porn stars and porn execs are having difficulty getting loans and opening bank accounts.  Perhaps they should consider using a sperm bank instead.

Study Finds 1 in 3 New Marriages Start Online:  Researchers found that more than a third of new marriages started online and that those relationships were slightly happier than those that began more traditionally.  I had a friend who met his wife online.  It was a mixed marriage – he used a Mac, she used a PC.

Study Finds Coffee Prevents Dementia:  According to several recent studies, coffee is good for your brain and might stave off dementia and Alzheimer’s.  Its not all good news.  Especially for those of us who are trying to forget how much money we shell out for that latte every morning. 

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