Taking rumor and innuendo and passing it all off as journalism
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News and Analysis for the Heavily Medicated
(as well as those who need to be)
Monday May 25 2015
by Johnny Robish
© Copyright 2012
Anthropologists believe Hawaii was originally settled by people who came from the Tahiti area about 600 years ago. I can see it now. People sitting around in Tahiti thinking “this place sucks, we gotta get the hell outta here.” So they paddle six thousand miles in primitive canoes braving turbulent seas, lack of water and not enough to eat and what do they find? Same thing, palm trees, beautiful beaches, majestic mountains and breath-taking sunsets. Just what were they expecting to find anyway? Cleveland?
Took a drive around up Haleakala crater. I have to admit it can be frightening going up that one-lane road with all those hairpin curves and no guardrails. But then I thought to myself, “hey, I’m driving in a shiny, new late-model Toyota. What could possibly go wrong?”
I think Hawaii’s pet import rules are a bit too strict. A friend of mine was put under quarantine when he stepped off the plane after it was discovered he had several pet peeves.
I was talking to a surfer who was pissed off. He said he went surfing and that the waves were coming in sets, and while he only took one wave, he was charged for the entire set.
I cut myself pretty badly while shaving and the cut became infected and puffy which puffed up and distorted my face. Shortly thereafter, I was asked to move to Molokai.
I never locked my doors while I was living in Hawaii. Not because it wasn’t unnecessary, but I was just too lazy.
I used to live not too far from what is considered the wettest spot on earth, Mt Wai’ale’ale. So I was literally sleeping in the wettest spot on earth, which makes me want to call up an old girlfriend who always complained that guys never sleep in the wet spot.
Scientists are trying to determine why whales migrate from Hawaii to Alaska. Very simple. For tax reasons. Alaska has no state income taxes. Turns out that the whales have some pretty good accounts working for them. Its also rumored that quite a few of the whales keep offshore accounts.
Public transportation on Maui