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Wednesday June 19 2013

In the News Archives

by Johnny Robish

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Playboy Playmate Graduates With Honors:  Nikki Leigh certainly has a lot to celebrate.  Not only did the 23-year-old graduate with honors in Sociology from Cal State Fullerton this weekend, but she was also named Miss May 2012, Playboy’s Playmate of the month, during her last semester of college.  Wow, Playboy is really getting some knowledgeable women to pose for them lately.  Nikki Leigh has a strong background in sociology and of course who could possibly have more familiarity with our criminal justice system than Lindsay Lohan?

Sheen and Gibson Co-Star in New Film:  Director Robert Rodriguez has reportedly signed both Charlie Sheen and Mel Gibson to his new movie Machete Kills- with Sheen playing the President of the United States.  Charlie Sheen and Mel Gibson together?  Sounds more like a court appointed anger management class than a film set.

Penguins Explicit Sex Acts Shocked Explorer:  Hidden for nearly 100 years for being too “graphic,” a report of “hooligan” behaviors, including sexual coercion, by Adelie penguins observed during Captain Scott’s 1910 polar expedition has been uncovered.  Guess even the penguins have their own Jerry Sandusky.

Stolen Toothpicks:  Police are looking for the thief who stole 400,000 toothpicks worth nearly $3,000 from a manufacturer’s warehouse in Athens, Georgia.  Police say they’re optimistic about finding the culprit because there’s not all that many people who live in the area who actually have enough teeth to make the theft worthwhile.

World’s Air in Trouble:  Monitoring stations are reporting that the world’s air has reached what scientists call a troubling new milestone for carbon dioxide, the main global warming pollutant.  Scientists warn that if this horrible trend continues, everyone in the world will eventually feel like they’re living in Cleveland.

West Coast Sea Levels Will Rise 6 Inches by 2030:  According a report released by the National Research Council, the West Coast will see an ocean several inches higher in coming decades due to global warming, with most of California expected to get sea levels a six inches higher by 2030.  Wow, the sea’s gonna rise a full six inches?  Global warming must be kind of like Viagra for the sea.

Apple Peel Compound May End Obesity:  A new study in mice suggests that a compound found in apple peels called ursolic acid may protect against obesity.  I heard that not pigging out on a daily basis may work also.

Mitt Installs Car Elevator:  Us Weekly reports that GOP presidential candidate Mitt Romney has installed a $55,000 car elevator in his $12 million La Jolla, Calif. estate.  And I think we can safely assume he’s not gonna be using it to lift a 1998 Toyota Corolla into his garage.

Bacterial Glue:  Researchers have developed a bacteria that produce a kind of glue that can fill in the cracks in concrete structures.  Let’s just hope it works as planned.  I’d hate to see all our concrete structures on antibiotics.

Bird-Sized Drones:  Two miles from the cow pasture where the Wright Brothers learned to fly the first airplanes, military researchers are hard at work on another revolution in the air – shrinking unmanned drones – which fire missiles into Pakistan and spy on insurgents in Afghanistan, to the size of insects and birds.  Military experts hope that eventually these bird drones will be capable of depositing droppings all over our enemy’s car windshields just like real birds.

Google May Kick Gold’s Gym Out:  A leasing spree by Google that includes the building which now houses the fabled Gold’s Gym has raised fears of a culture clash in the Los Angeles beach community of Venice, the place where bodybuilding stars like Arnold Schwarzenegger developed their physiques.  To further add to the apprehension, community leaders ponder what may happen down the line when someone tries to “Google” Gold’s Gym.

Larry Ellison Buys Lanai:  Hawaii Gov. Neil Abercrombie says Oracle Corp. CEO Larry Ellison has agreed to buy 98 percent of the island of Lanai.  Hell, I’d be happy if I could just afford the airfare to Lanai.

Voyager Leaving Our Solar System:  Our space probe, Voyager 1, launched back in 1977, is now 11 billion miles out in space and on the verge of leaving our solar system.  I don’t think I’ll never complain about my commute again.

Library Worker Sentenced for Stealing Overdue Fines:  New York library worker Margo Reed, who admitted stealing more than $160,000 in overdue book fines, has been sentenced to six months in jail.  On a positive note, she’ll now have plenty of time to catch up on her reading.

Banking Error Gives Man Unlimited Funds:  A banking error gave a Detroit man unlimited funds in his account, so he withdrew $1.5 million, but before the problem was discovered, he had already lost it all gambling in a casino.  What a waste of stolen money.  Doesn’t he realize that its illegal to gamble with money that isn’t yours unless you work on Wall Street?

X-Ray Space Telescope Launched:  NASA said it’s successfully launched its NuSTAR X-ray observatory after it was dropped into orbit from an aircraft over the central Pacific Ocean.  NASA says there is no danger that the satellite taking all those x-ray pictures could give the universe cancer.

Punches Way to Guinness World Record:  With a steady beat of jabs, stuntman Ron Sarchian has punched his way into the record books by punching a 100-pound bag for more than 50 hours straight.  Fifty hours?  Sounds like someone has some issues.

Tyrannosaurus In Queens Must Go:  In one of the more unusual arrest warrants in U.S. history, a federal judge has authorized the Department of Homeland Security to seize a Tyrannosaurus bataar skeleton from an art storage company in Queens and ordered it to be sent back to its native Mongolia.  Neighbors expressed shock that a Tyrannosaurus was illegally living in their neighborhood.

Smithsonian on Jellyfish:  The latest issue of Smithsonian Magazine claims that jellyfish are essentially a boneless, bloodless and brainless species whose mouth also doubles as their anus.  Now I have no idea what the Smithsonian has against jellyfish, but this is the kind of hurtful name calling is not exactly what you’d expect from a respected scientific institution.

Big Jump in Arthritis:  Health experts say that a surprising jump in the number of Americans hobbled by arthritis may be due to obesity.  I honestly have my doubts that the jump is due to obesity, but only because it just seems so difficult to get obese people to jump.

Flirting While Driving:  A full 62 percent of drivers report having flirted with someone in a different vehicle while on the go, and 31 percent of those flirtations resulted in a date!  Unfortunately, another 35% resulted in higher insurance premiums.

New iPhone: Picked up a new iPhone today.  Well I didn’t actually buy it, someone left it on a bar stool, so I just took it home with me.

Dirtiest Items in a Hotel Room:  New research shows that TV remotes and light switches are the dirtiest items you’ll ever find in a hotel room.  That is, unless you’re a Secret Service agent.

Kim Kardashian Buys Kanye West Lamborghini:  The hot buzz floating around is that Kim Kardashian bought her boyfriend, Kanye West, a $750,000 Lamborghini Aventador LP 700-4 for his 35th birthday.  That’s a nice gesture, but I think he’s gonna be a little disappointed when he realizes that a Lamborghini doesn’t get very good gas mileage.

Morning People Happier:  A new study suggests that morning people aren’t chipper just as the sun is coming up, but they are also much happier and more satisfied with life overall than night owls.  On the other hand, I have always felt that anyone who’s totally happy with everything going on just isn’t looking at all the evidence.

Dangers of Long Commutes:  Brown University researchers found that spending an hour every day commuting (say, a half-hour commute there and back) means that the average person gets 30.6 percent less time for sleep, 16.1 percent less time for exercise, 5.8 percent less time to eat with the family and 4.1 percent less time to prepare food.  My question is, who only commutes 30 minutes each way?

Indian Man Beheads Daughter:  Police in India say a man outraged by his daughter’s elopement dragged her home, beheaded her with a sword and then allegedly carried the head around his village in western India to show off his fatherly deed.  Doesn’t he realize that doing something like that can scar her for life?

Lindsay Lohan Found Unresponsive in Hotel:  Paramedics were called after actress Lindsay Lohan was found suffering from exhaustion in a penthouse suite at the Ritz-Carlton hotel in Marina del Rey.  Yea, most of us can only imagine how exhausting it is to be luxuriating in the penthouse suite at a five-star, five-diamond hotel on the beach in Marina Del Rey.  Now if I ever became exhausted like that, I’d more than likely end up holed up in some cheap motel in Lancaster.

Secret Service Disclosures:  Recently released government documents disclose repeated instances of alleged misconduct at the Secret Service dating back to 2004, including illegal wiretapping, excessive drinking and solicitation of prostitution.  And in a dramatic display of patriotism, Charlie Sheen announced plans to leave acting and join the Secret Service.

Invasive Species Threat From Tsunami Debris:  Biologists are concerned about the threat from invasive species attached to the debris from Japan’s 2011 tsunami drifting onto West Coast beaches.  Personally, I think we should be more concerned about all the junk that’s continually flowing here from China than a few clams or barnacles that may be attached to Japan’s tsunami debris.

First Trans-Atlantic Flight by a Women:  On June 17, 1928, Amelia Earhart embarked on the first trans-Atlantic flight by a woman, flying from Newfoundland to Wales in about 21 hours.  And that was how Americans discovered Europe.

Cougar Population on the Increase and Moving:  Conservationists say that mountain lions, or cougars, are making a big comeback in the US, but caution that they’re moving toward heavily populated areas such as the Midwest, increasing the chances of encounters with humans.  Yea, well with obesity rates running around 40% in the Midwest, who can really blame them for wanting to be closer to where the big game are.

NASA to Launch New Telescope:  A powerful new X-ray telescope will soon be launched and on the lookout for black holes, which are the invisible remnants left when stars die.  Unlike Hollywood, where dead stars just sort of fall into obscurity.

Happy to Be Working With Lindsay Lohan:  Porn star James Deen says he’s “super excited” about the opportunity to work with Lindsay Lohan in the upcoming film The Canyons.  And we all know what happens when a porn star gets “super excited.”

Wallenda Walks Niagara Falls:  Nik Wallenda took a daring walk over the mists of Niagara Falls, becoming the first man to walk across the gorge in 116 years.  Guess if he’s gonna walk the falls, he’d better walk it now because its all expected to be gone in another 25,000 years.

Tortoises End 115 Year Relationship:  Attendants are baffled as to why a pair of giant tortoises residing at a zoo in Austria who’ve been a couple for more than a century are apparently growing apart and suddenly need their space after the female took a chunk out of her mate’s shell.  Guess she just got fed up with him crawling back into his shell ever time she said “we need to talk.”

Lucy Lawless Pleads Guilty:  Actress Lucy Lawless has pleaded guilty to trespass after she and other Greenpeace activists protested aboard an oil-drilling ship docked in New Zealand.  Legal analysts say they’re not surprised at the guilty plea considering how difficult it would have been to convince a judge of her innocence with a last name like Lawless.

Paleolithic Cave Paintings Found:  Paintings on cave walls in northwestern Spain are far older than previously thought – some of them more than 40,000 years old, scientists said, raising a possibility that Neanderthals were the artists.  Analysts who’ve viewed the art say they’re quite certain that the paintings are either the work of the Neanderthals or Thomas Kinkade.

John the Baptist Bones in Bulgaria:  Scientists think there’s a possibility that a small handful of bones found in an ancient church in Bulgaria may belong to John the Baptist, the biblical figure said to have baptized Jesus.  Archeologists say they began suspecting the bones may belong to John the Baptist after ancient “Baptize Bulgaria” billboards were found buried near the site.

First Female Chinese Astronaut:  In a move hailed by those pushing for more equality, a 33-year-old Chinese military pilot named Liu Yang has become her country’s first woman in space.  I think my old girlfriend must have wanted to be an astronaut also, because she was constantly telling me “I need my space.”

Jersey Shore Salaries:  Entertainment Weekly is reporting that Snooki, Pauly D, and The Situation will each make $5 million for this season’s “Jersey Shore.”  It makes you wonder just where our values are as a society, when we’re paying that much money to people who probably can’t even dribble a basketball very well.

Oregon Man Critical With Bubonic Plague:  A Crook County, Oregon man is in critical condition with the Bubonic Plague after contacting the disease after being bitten by a mouse while attempting to rescue the mouse from a stray cat.  About the only thing that could make this story seem more bazaar would be if all this happened while he was attending a Renaissance Fair.

Facebook Growth Slows:  According to a report in the Wall Street Journal, Facebook’s growth appears to be slowing, particularly in the US.  Facebook is more or less to the point where they’re gonna have to find another inhabited planet in order to any new members to sign-up.

Liposuction May Increase Fat in Abdomen:  A new study from Brazil suggests that liposuction can actually cause an increase in fat around the organs in the abdomen and only a sustained exercise regimen can counteract this effect.  So if liposuction actually increases the amount of body fat we have, I guess the only reason to go through the procedure would be because its just so doggone much fun.

Pair of Lungs Found on LA Sidewalk:  The LA Times is reporting that the Los Angeles County Coroner’s office has just taken possession of what appears to be a pair of lungs that were found on a South Los Angeles sidewalk.  County officials suggest that anyone who suddenly finds that they’re having extreme difficulty breathing had better to get themselves to the Coroner’s office as soon as possible.

Cameron Diaz to Release Nutrition Book:  Actress Cameron Diaz is reportedly close to signing a publishing deal to write her own nutrition book dishing out advice to her teenage fans which will help impressionable young girls stop their fixation on being thin.  Perfect!  A book designed to discourage teenage girls from fixating about being thin, written by one of the skinniest actresses in Hollywood.

Lindsay Lohan to Go Nude for Role:  Lindsay Lohan is set to star alongside porn actor James Deen in a new movie The Canyons, written by author Bret Easton Ellis, the film will expose the “seedy underbelly of Los Angeles” and will require Lohan to appear naked.  And if there’s anyone who would have insight into the “seedy underbelly of Los Angeles,” it would be Lindsay Lohan.

Starbucks Moves Into Vending Machines:  Starbucks has announced that it will soon partner with Coinstar to take coffee vending machines nationwide.  Because what the world needs is a $4 cup of coffee served out of a vending machine.

Giant Venomous Spiders Attack in India:  Panic is spreading throughout a remote part of northeast India after colonies of giant venomous biting spiders have attacked villagers, killing two people.  Hell, giant venomous spiders have been chasing after drug addicts trying to sober up in rehab clinics for years.

Drug Cartel Laundering Millions Through Horse Races:  In something right out of a James Bond movie, the U.S. Justice Department alleges that a Mexican drug cartel laundered millions of dollars in drug money through U.S. horse races.  I’m gonna have to assume that they’re having better luck at the track than I am.

Saudi Princess Tries to Skip Out on $7.4 Million Hotel Bill:  Reports out of Paris are saying that a Saudi princess was caught trying to slip out of ultra-luxury Shangri-La hotel in the middle of the night with 60 servants in tow without settling her $7.4 million bill.  She has sixty servants?  That’s crazy!  When told about the incident, Mitt Romney said “most people I know could have gotten by with half that number.”

Obesity in the Bedroom:  European researchers say that obesity may lead to problems in the bedroom.  That’s not difficult to figure out.  You get so fat, you can’t get laid.

French Accent:  In an unusual occurrence, a severe migraine attack left an English woman speaking with what sounds to many to be a French accent after.  The accent finally went away after she was defeated by the Russian Army while attempting to invade Siberia in the winter.

Living Together:  The Census Bureau is reporting a 13% jump in the number of unmarried couples living together with the opposite-sex.  This is of course my living situation, which could most accurately be defined as the “opposite of sex.”

Drug Sales:  Financial analysts say that antipsychotic drugs designed to eliminate hallucinations are now the top-selling pharmaceuticals in America.  This is in contrast to the 60’s, when everyone was taking drugs hoping to hallucinate.

Corvette Most Stolen Car:  According to a report from the insurance industry’s National Insurance Crime Bureau, more than 1-in-10 Corvettes have been stolen over the past three decades.  While the thieves generally praised the vehicle, many did say they wished it got better gas mileage.

Large Japan Dock Washes Ashore in Oregon:  A large dock that was torn loose from a port in Japan by last year’s tsunami has drifted across thousands of miles of Pacific Ocean and floated ashore on an Oregon beach.  This has some economists concerned that Japan may be attempting to usurp American’s aging docks by flooding the market.

Students Resorting to Study Drugs:  The DEA says an increasing number of students are turning to “study drugs” such as Adderall, Ritalin, and other class II controlled stimulants that give a heady dose of energy to help them study for tests.  Test administrators caution students that being on a class II controlled stimulant doesn’t mean its OK to forget to bring their number 2 pencils.

Madonna Exposes Nipple at Istanbul Concert:  While performing her hit 1995 song “Human Nature” at a concert in Istanbul, Madonna began stripping off her clothes, first removing her white shirt, before she simply pulled down her bra to give the audience a good look at her right nipple.  I saw the video and while she did in fact expose the “right” nipple, I don’t think that necessarily makes her other nipple the “wrong” nipple.  I’m sure they’re both very nice nipples.

Bear Euthanized After Eating Remains of Murderer:  Canadian conservation officers have euthanized a black bear who they claim ate the remains of a convicted murderer the bear had found dead inside of a car.  Before being euthanized, the bear told conservation officers that the murderer tasted a bit like chicken.

Cell Phone Ban:  The Maui County Council has just voted to ban the use of cell phones while driving. To overcome this injustice, I have decided to install a landline in my car. In addition, I also plan to have a fax machine installed in the trunk which could come in very handy if I’m ever camping and there’s no toilet paper available. I’ll simply call up a friend and ask them to “fax me something.”

Big-Boned?:  A new report says that more than 30% of the population of the South are obese.  Yet another example of the ever-expanding Mason-Dixon line.

Help for Addicts:  A new study reports that an epilepsy drug may help addicts kick the cocaine habit.  This gives new meaning to the term “kicking the habit.”

Most Teens Text While Driving:  An anonymous survey of American high school teens showed that nearly 60 percent admit to texting or emailing while driving.  The other 40% were too busy texting to take the survey.

Ginkgo Balboa Study: New research has determined that the popular food supplement Ginkgo Biloba does little or nothing to improve memory.  I can testify to that.  I bought some not too long ago, but can’t remember where I put it.

Neighbor Mistakes Large Cat for Cougar, Calls Police:  Police in Salem, Oregon, responded to a call from a frightened person claiming to have seen a 45 to 55 pound cougar invading his neighbor’s backyard, but after reviewing pictures it turns out the unwanted visitor was nothing more than a large, domesticated breed of cat known as a Maine Coon.  That kind of reminds me of a time during the Republican Primary when some people actually mistook Donald Trump and Newt Gingrich for serious presidential candidates.

Report Says Coffee Drinkers Live Longer:  A report published in the New England Journal of Medicine claims that coffee drinkers live longer than people who don’t drink coffee.  Unfortunately, much of that extra time seems to be spent in line, waiting to use the bathroom.

Laptop Heat Dangers:  Doctors are warning not to leave a warm laptop on your lap too long as it can lead to a condition called “toasted skin syndrome,” which is an unusual looking mottled skin condition caused by long-term heat exposure.  You know your laptop may have heat issues when it comes with settings for warm, simmer and defrost.

Bob Welch Commits Suicide:  Bob Welch, a singer/song writer and guitarist who left Fleetwood Mac for a successful solo career with such 1970s hits as “Ebony Eyes” and “Sentimental Lady,” was found dead in his Nashville home of an apparent suicide.  I always wondered if a song writer pens a suicide note, do they include a musical score.

Texas Highway First With 85 MPH Speed Limit:  The Texas Department of Transportation announced that a stretch of Texas highway between Austin and San Antonio may soon be the first road in the country to have a posted 85 mph speed limit.  What I don’t get is, once you allow people to drive that fast, what’s the point of having a limit?

Gonorrhea Becoming Drug Resistant:  The World Health Organization is warning that gonorrhea may soon become untreatable because it is growing resistant to drugs.  Many are attributing much of that resistance to a campaign in the gonorrhea community urging the bacteria to “just say no to drugs.”

Counterfeit Products Are a Growing Problem:  From fake versions of the drugs Adderall and Avastin to phony designer watches and wedding dresses, counterfeiting is rising fast and is increasingly becoming a safety concern.  I recently bought an Apple iPad that turned out to be a counterfeit, but I’m OK with that because I paid for it with counterfeit money.

Elderly Picking Stronger Passwords:  According to a security analysis of nearly 70 million Yahoo! users, the typical web internet user over the age of 55 picks passwords that are two times stronger than the under-25 set.  Yea, that’s because old people actually have something to lose.

Sheryl Crow Has Brain Tumor:  American singer-songwriter Sheryl Crow says she has been diagnosed with a benign brain tumor after forgetting the lyrics to some of her hits while performing.  Health officials say they are concerned because an ever increasing number of Americans are reporting that they wouldn’t have the slightest clue what the lyrics to any Sheryl Crow song would be.

Report Says Sex Life Better After Implants:  According to a poll by RealSelf.com, women who had chosen to get breast implants or breast lifts not only claimed to have more sex, but reported a 34% increase in overall satisfaction with their sex lives, on average.  The pollsters claim they reached their conclusions after examining mounds of evidence.

Prince Philip Misses Diamond Jubilee Activities:  Queen Elizabeth II’s triumphant Diamond Jubilee weekend was slightly marred by the absence of 90-year-old Prince Philip who was hospitalized with a bladder infection.  I guess it ain’t much of a Jubilee if you can’t pee.

Bloomberg Supports Curbing Pot Arrests:  New York Mayor Michael R. Bloomberg, who recently announced plans to ban large-size soda sales to curb obesity, said he totally supports Gov. Andrew M. Cuomo’s recent proposal to curb the number of low-level marijuana arrests.  So Bloomberg’s OK with people smoking weed, but against them eating junk food?  When’s the last time you ever heard of someone smoking a joint and developing a craving for organic beets, lima beans or legumes?  Almost makes you wonder what he’s been smoking.

Breast Enhancement Surgery Most Popular:  New data says that an estimated 289,000 US women are getting their breasts enlarged every year, making it the most popular cosmetic surgery.  Funny, you never seem to hear about guys getting prostate enlargement surgery.

New Jersey Tickets Texting While Walking:  Police in Fort Lee, N.J. announced that they will begin issuing $85 jaywalking tickets to pedestrians who are caught texting while walking which officials feel is quite dangerous.  No kidding its dangerous.  That’s why I always save all my texting for when I’m driving.

Pot-Smoking Mom Dives Off With Son on Top Of Car:  Phoenix police have arrested a 19-year-old woman who allegedly smoked some pot and then drove off, forgetting that her 5-week-old baby was in a car seat on the roof of her vehicle.  Somehow I suspect that had it been her bag of Cheetos or Bon Bons instead of a baby that she left on top of her car, she her memory would have been sharp as a knife.

Bieber Suffers Concussion:  Justin Bieber suffered a concussion when he walked into a glass wall during a concert in Paris, even briefly fainting after finishing the show.  Must have been a really severe concussion.  What else could account for a single guy purchasing a huge, 9,000-square-foot-mansion for just one person to live in?

AIG CEO Suggests People Should Work to 80:  A seemingly off-hand remark made by Robert Benmosche, the CEO of AIG, has created a bit of controversy after suggesting the retirement age should be bumped up and that people should have to work to age 80.  Yea well, the way things are going, most of us are probably gonna have to work till they’re 80 anyway.

Kentucky Has Most Smokers:  A new report, released today by Gallup-Healthways found that Kentucky is the state that has the most smokers with more than one in four people (27.6 percent) in the state reported smoking last year.  Of course California has plenty of smokers too.  Its just that the cigarettes they smoke don’t have brand names brand names on them.

Milky Way Headed for Collision:  Scientists say our own Milky Way Galaxy is on a collision course with its neighbor Andromeda galaxy and the collision should take place in about 4 billion years.  Wow!  I hope that we have insurance with a low deductible.

Reading Speeds:  According to the developers of a new test to determine reading speeds, 3rd grade students read about 150 words per minute, average adults read about 300 words per minute, and college students read about 450 words per minute, with the world’s fastest reader being a woman from the UK, who reads around 4700 words per minute.  They say this woman reads so fast that she actually has time to read all the conditions you must accept before installing new software.

Cats Are Sleepiest Mammals:  New research shows that cats are the sleepiest mammals spending up to 16 hours a day sleeping, which means that a 7-year-old cat has really only been awake for 2 years.  I believe it.  My cat is a member of the “National Association of Pussycats,” also known as “NAP.”

Bieber Home Purchase Boosts Local Real Estate Market:  Justin Bieber is making an impact on the San Fernando Valley, Ca real estate market with his purchase of a 9,000-square-foot-mansion in Calabasas which helped boost median home price sales for that month by 12.4 percent.  Local residents claim that Bieber moving in is perhaps the biggest boost to real estate prices they’ve seen since Charlie Sheen moved out of the neighborhood.

Actress Denies Prostitution Rumors:  Zhang Ziyi, the star of Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, is denying the rumors swirling around that she earned $100 million by sleeping with some of China’s richest men.  In related news, Lindsay Lohan was just seen boarding a plane to China.

.Pot Floating Off Orange County Coast:  Harbor-patrol officers told reporters that law enforcement officials have come across an estimated 7,263 pounds of marijuana bound in 160 bales floating in the ocean off Orange County, Calif.  In touching display of community involvement, Orange County officials are reporting a dramatic increase in local residents volunteering to assist with the beach clean-up

Bloodletting May Provide Health Benefits for Obese:  A preliminary study from Germany suggests that some obese people may improve their health by donating their blood.  Wow, fat people are really getting hit hard lately!  First Mayor Bloomberg wants to take away their jumbo sized sodas and now the Germans want to take their blood.  When will it ever end?

Kardashian Accuses British Airways:  Reality TV personality Kim Kardashian took aim at British Airways over the weekend, alleging on Twitter that someone among the carrier’s staff stole something very personal and sentimental from her checked luggage.  I don’t understand what’s the big deal?  She certainly can afford a new vibrator.

Quake Strikes Malibu:  A small earthquake has struck about 30 miles off the coast of Malibu, recording a 4.1 magnitude.  Local officials and emergency responders are going door to door trying to reassure local housewives that its safe to return to their shopping and Power Plate classes.

Teen Car-Surfing Craze:  Safety officials across California are deeply concerned about the newest teen craze called “car surfing,” a thrill-seeking activity in which kids ride on the exterior of a vehicle while it’s being driven by another person.  Hard to imagine that anything could possibly go wrong there, although it is important to remind car-surfing teens to make absolutely certain that the driver of the vehicle has a valid California driver’s license.

Peeing in Public Pools:  According to a recent survey that questioned roughly 1,000 American adults, one in five admitted urinating in public swimming pools.  In response, Republicans say this is yet another reason that we need to begin issuing vouchers for private pools.

Dirtiest Areas in the Office:  Researchers have determined that the surfaces in an office break rooms and worker’s desks are the dirtiest areas in a typical office.  Perhaps, but the dirtiest things in any offices where I’ve worked were hands-down the minds of my co-workers minds.

Gang Member Arrested After Revealing Crimes on Facebook:  New York police arrested 14 teenagers allegedly involved in a New York gang after accepting a Facebook friend request from a police officer and then bragging about their crimes.  How stupid!  Everyone knows that if you’re gonna reveal your crimes online, do it on MySpace where no one will ever see it.

Newly Discovered Mayan Calendar Goes Past 2012:  Newly discovered Mayan wall writings found in Guatemala show calendars that go well beyond 2012, the year when, according to popular culture, the vanished civilization expected the end of the world.  Archeologists explained the discrepancy by pointing out that the 2012 “end of the world” prediction was only valid if Donald Trump won the Republican primary and then went on to win the general election.

Average Age of Vehicles on US Roads:  New data show that the average age of the cars and trucks currently on US roads has hit a record 10.8 years.  Coincidently, most LA drivers seem to act as if they’re about 10.8 years old.

Tomato Has More Genes Than Humans:  Plant geneticists who sequenced the tomato’s genome in hope of breeding better specimens found that it has 31,760 genes – about 7,000 more than a person.  Researchers claim that despite having fewer genes, most humans are still able to outsmart the tomatoes.

Defrocked Priest Now Working for the TSA:  CBS Philadelphia is reporting that a Catholic priest who was defrocked in 2002 over sex abuse allegations has a new job…with the TSA.  When questioned, he said he took the TSA job because it just felt right.

Amelia Earhart’s Anti-Freckle Cream Jar Possibly Found:  A small cosmetic jar believed to be Amelia Earhart’s anti-freckle cream jar offers more circumstantial evidence that the legendary aviator died on an uninhabited island in the southwestern Pacific republic of Kiribati.  The investigation began pointing toward Earhart only after it was determined that Tom Hanks doesn’t use anti-freckle cream.

Popular Foods Found to Contain Flame Retardants:  In a new study of popular products purchased from grocery stores in Dallas, researchers found that nearly half of the sampled peanut butter and cold cuts, as well as turkey, fish, beef and other fatty foods, contained traces of a flame retardant commonly used in the foam insulation of building walls.  The evidence appears to be so overwhelming that many Local Fire Departments recommend employees not bother cleaning off their uniforms should they spill their lunch on them.

Miami Face-Eater May Have Been on LSD:  A Miami man fatally shot by police after he refused to stop gnawing on another man’s face may have been under the influence of a new form of the 1960s hallucinatory drug LSD.  If that’s true, this has to be the worst case of the munchies ever recorded.

Kim Kardashian Clarifies Indian Cuisine Remark:  Kim Kardashian sparked a backlash among fans after referring to Indian cuisine as “disgusting” to little sisters Kendall and Kylie Jenner in a recent episode of “Keeping Up With the Kardashians.”  In her defense, however, if there’s anyone in this world who could really define “disgusting,” its certainly Kim Kardashian.

Lindsay Lohan Owes $40,000 for Tanning:  Lindsay Lohan is being accused of stiffing a “mobile airbrush tanning” company out of $40,000, with claims that the star failed to pay for spray tanning sessions from 2007 through 2009.  Is it just me or does the cost of “mobile airbrush tanning” seem to have gotten a little out of hand?

Old Person Smell Verified:  That the distinctive “old person smell” you may have picked up on when visiting your grandparents most likely wasn’t your imagination, as recent study participants were able to reliably distinguish the body order of the elderly people who were 75 and older.  Especially the elderly from the Walton family who seemed to smell quite a lot like serious money.

Radioactive Bluefin Tuna Enters US:  Scientists in California are reporting that bluefin tuna have been found to contain radioactivity – carried 6,000 miles from Japan where radioactivity leaked into the waters after its nuclear crisis.  So now it looks like we’re gonna have to start wearing lead vests at sushi bars.

Woman Fired for Looking Sexy:  A female data entry professional is claiming that she was fired at wholesale lingerie company because she was too busty and didn’t dress as conservatively as her Orthodox Jewish employers would have preferred.  You know you might be a little behind the times when even the Amish are accusing  you of living in the past.

Presidential Medal of Freedom:  Folk singer Bob Dylan and former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright were awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom in a recent ceremony at the White House.  Which is kind of ironic in that Bob Dylan is really starting to look quite a bit like Madeleine Albright of late.

High Fructose Corn Syrup Making Us Stupid:  New research says that eating a high-fructose diet over the long term alters your brain’s ability to learn and remember information.  Researchers say that while they don’t want to scare anyone, they don’t want to sugarcoat the danger.

Bieber Investigated for Battery:  Los Angeles County sheriffs want to talk with Justin Bieber about claims that he may have gotten into a scuffle with a photographer when leaving a theater in in Calabasas, Calif with girlfriend Selena Gomez.  I think if police need to investigate anything, they should probably check the testosterone levels of anyone who would claim that Justin Bieber roughed them up.

Occupation With Most Job Deaths:  In its recent Death on the Job Report, the AFL-CIO ranked commercial fishing as the occupation with the highest fatality rate, with 150 deaths per 100,000 workers.  And the fish don’t fare all that well either.

Pope’s Butler Arrested:  The Pope’s butler has been arrested and charged over the suspected leaking of confidential documents.  Yet, I would imagine that its still better to have the leaking of confidential documents rather than leaking on confidential documents.

Man Who Invented TV Remote Dies:  Eugene Polley, the man who invented the first wireless remote control for television back in 1955, has died at the age of 96.  Friends say he died heroically fighting to keep the remote out of the hands of his wife.

Bill Clinton Photographed With Porn Stars:  Bill Clinton was attending a benefit gala in Monte Carlo which was also attended by three prominent porn stars who managed to snag a picture of themselves with the former president that they immediately posted to twitter.  While some would say its demeaning to be photographed with someone who would have sex with almost anyone, the girls said they really weren’t all that concerned about it.

Survey Counts Earth-Threatening Asteroids:  A NASA space telescope has completed the best assessment yet of our solar system’s population of potentially hazardous asteroids and has found approximately 4700 of them so far.  Frankly, I’m more concerned about all the earth-threatening assholes than a few earth-threatening asteroids.

LA OK’s Plastic Bag Ban:  Los Angeles has become the largest city in the nation to approve a ban on plastic bags at supermarket checkout lines, with the LA City Council approving the ban 13 to 1.  Many in Hollywood expressed concern that this could eventually lead to a plastic people ban.

Water Pollution Caused by Birth Control:  While the active ingredient in most birth control pills does its job in preventing pregnancy, it is difficult to break down and therefore can begin a second life as a pollutant which can impact wildlife in and around our waterways.  Officials caution any wildlife in the affected areas against using this as an excuse to discontinue condom use.

Jenna Jameson Busted for DUI:  Former adult film star Jenna Jameson has been arrested in Southern California for investigation of driving under the influence after her vehicle struck a light pole.  Guess some people just can’t give up the pole dancing.

LA Homeowners Underwater:  According to the real estate website Zillow, one in three LA mortgages are currently underwater.  But because its LA, those mortgages which are underwater, are most likely under bottled water.

Horse Doping in New York:  New York State has accused Luis Pena, a prominent horse trainer, of illegally drugging horses in hundreds of harness races over a 28-month period in the state.  Addiction specialists say the first step these horses need to do to beat the drugs is to admit that they have a problem.

Conservative News Site Gun Giveaway:  Conservative news site The Daily Caller is gearing up for the presidential election by giving away one free 9mm handgun each week until the election.  Because nothing promotes “let’s all work together to find solutions” quite like passing out 9mm handguns.

Gregg Allman Will Marry for 7th Time:  Live transplant recipient Gregg Allman 64, defended his love for 24-year-old fiancée Shannon Williams, saying that this time—unlike the past six times—it’s the real thing.  Skeptics question whether Allman really is looking for a wife or a potential organ donor.

Females Sue for Combat Duty:  Two female soldiers have filed lawsuits to have the ban on women in combat lifted, claiming that being barred from combat “based solely on the basis of sex” is unconstitutional.  I’m not sure about the constitutionality of the matter, but anyone who’s ever watched them at a Neiman Marcus semi-annual sale or fighting for a mall parking space knows that women are fully combat ready.

Effectiveness of Facebook Ads:  Experts say that even though Facebook may have 900 million users, very few of them ever click on any of the ads that are placed on Facebook pages.  Data shows that its more likely someone would walk into a Barnes and Noble and actually buy something instead of just using the restroom than click on a Facebook ad.

Increase in Kidney Stones:  According to a new study, we’re seeing twice as many occurrences of kidney stones than we did in the early 1990s.  On the other hand, we’re seeing much less of Sharon Stone than we did in the early 1990’s.

Monkey On a Plane:  An escaped monkey in the cargo hold of an Air China Boeing 747 recently held up a flight at New York’s JFK airport for nearly four hours.  TSA investigators say they are looking into rumors that Alec Baldwin may have given the monkey a copy of “Words With Friends.”

Prehistoric Flutes Found in Cave:  A new report in the Journal of Human Evolution determined that prehistoric flutes found in a cave in southwestern Germany date back to 42,000 years ago.  Archeologists say its unlikely we’ll ever know what type of music these cavemen were playing because sadly, no sheet music was found along with the flutes.

Mountain Lion Killed in Downtown Santa Monica:  Wildlife officials report that a young mountain lion was shot and killed near Santa Monica’s 3rd Street Promenade after game wardens tried to tranquilize the animal, but it became agitated and confused and appeared to bound toward a police officer.  And who can blame it for being agitated and confused?  Have you ever tried to find parking near the 3rd Street Promenade?

Dangers of Calcium Supplements:  According to a report in the journal Heart, people taking calcium supplements to help prevent bones from thinning puts them at a greater risk for heart attacks.  So for those of you who still insist upon taking calcium supplements, try taking them for some reason other than thinning bones.

Centurion Dies Killed By Car:  A 101-year-old man has been killed after being hit by a car driven by a 91-year-old driver in Burbank.  Guess that’s what happens when you let these young punks get behind the wheel.

Biden Not Popular in Swing States:  A new poll concludes that Vice President Joe Biden’s numbers are down in “swing states” and may not be of much help to the president in November’s election.  Fortunately for Democrats, while Biden may be down in “swing states,” he’s still doing well in both big band and classic jazz states.

Study Concludes Tasers Can Be Lethal:  For the first time, amid continuing controversy and lawsuits over use of Tasers, a scientific, peer-reviewed study published by American Heart Association released shows the electronic stun guns can cause cardiac arrest and death.  To put it another way, if you truly love someone, don’t taser them.

Snoring and Cancer Risk:  According to a study out of University of Wisconsin-Madison, sleep apnea — a sleep disorder associated with heavy snoring — is associated with a higher risk of developing cancer.  Not to mention you have a higher risk of being killed by your spouse.

Fox News Views Least Informed:  Yet another study has concluded that people who only watch Fox News are less informed than all other news consumers, including those who watch no news at all.  A follow-up study indicated that while Fox News had the least informed viewers, CNBC appeared to have the ugliest.

Bigger Portions:  According to a recent study, the average restaurant meal is now four times larger than it was in the 1950s.  Yea, and its about 90 times more expensive!

New York Has New Digital Employment Map:  New York City has unveiled a new high-tech, digital employment map called Made, which is intended to be a resource for job seekers.  Which makes it kind of a shame that there’s absolutely no jobs to go along with such an attractive, fancy, new high-tech map.

Oxford to Analyze Bigfoot DNA:  Researchers at Oxford University have launched a new project to analyze the DNA of Bigfoot, the mythical apelike creature some believe lives in North American forests.  Its believed that Bigfoot lives in the forests because its next to impossible for mythical monsters to find housing anywhere else.

Police to Test Head Cameras:  The Austin Police Department plans to test “head cameras” which they say will better allow police to gather evidence while holding officers more accountable for their actions.  Should get interesting when those officers wearing the “head cameras” actually need to go to the head.

Selling Reagan’s Blood:  Ronald Reagan’s foundation said that a German company’s plan to auction a vial of the late president’s blood is a “craven act,” and they pledged to use “every legal means” to prevent the sale.  The foundation says they’re deeply concerned that the blood could end up in the hands of supply-side Transylvanians.

Dangers of Having Thin Thighs:  A Danish study says that having thin thighs may raise the risk of premature death and heart disease.  Interesting its a Danish study, because if you eat enough Danish, you’re certainly not gonna have to worry about having thin thighs.

Walking Speed:  New research shows one simple indicator of well-being and longevity among older people is their walking speed, with faster walking associated with longer life.  I don’t know about them walking faster, but I’d be happy if we could just get them to drive a little faster.

Nun Accused of Embezzlement:  A 62-year-old nun who oversaw a college’s finances has been accused of embezzling more than $850,000 and spending it on herself.  Makes you wonder what the hell she was spending it on.  I think we can safely assume she wasn’t spending it on her wardrobe.

Pom Wonderful Not So Wonderful:  Federal regulators say that Pom Wonderful, the pricey and popular pomegranate juice sold in the distinctly curvaceous bottle, is guilty of deceptive advertising with its claims that drinking the juice reduces the risk of heart disease, prostate cancer and impotence.  Turns out that the only thing that Pom Wonderful is effective in reducing is the amount of money in your wallet.

Tyrannosaur Sold:  A Tyrannosaur fossil skeleton has been sold for $1,052,500 at a Manhattan auction, despite a Texas judge’s order halting the sale out of concerns that the Tyrannosaur may be here illegally.  As if things on the boarder aren’t bad enough, now we got dinosaurs illegally sneaking in?  Its almost enough to make you long for the good old days when it was al Qaeda trying to get in.

Orthodox Jews Protest Internet:  Roughly 60,000 all-male Orthodox Jews gathered in Queens, N.Y., to protest the Internet’s evils which are ruining family life and perverting the minds of young children.  My question for these guys would be, just how would they know?

Gift Shop:  The LA Times reports that the Los Angeles County Coroner’s Office has a gift shop that does a rather brisk business selling items such as body bags for $20, yellow crime scene tape is $6 and toe tags are a steal at $5.  Wow, sounds like a really fun place to shop, if you’re a necrophiliac.

Tennessee Man Fathers 30 Children:  A 33-year-old Knoxville, Tennessee man who fathered 30 kids with 11 different women, says he needs a break on his child support because his job only pays him minimum-wage.  Rather than help him with child support, I’d rather see someone spring for a few packs of condoms for the guy.

Babe Ruth Jersey Auctioned:  A Yankee’s road jersey worn by Babe Ruth in the 1920’s has been sold for a record-setting $4.4 million, surpassing the previous record in sports memorabilia.  Seems like an awful lot of money to pay for someone’s hand me downs.

Memory Foam Mattresses:  While sales of memory foam mattresses are going through the roof, many consumers are reporting that while the memory foam may be great for sleeping, its a terrible mattress for those who are having sex.  Apparently the mattress is so comfortable, you immediately fall asleep no matter what you’re doing.

Texas Leads Nation in Workplace Discrimination:  A New EEOC report says Texas led nation in workplace discrimination complaints In 2011.  Ironically, I suspect that this is something that is a source of pride for most Texans.

Man Dies During Lap Dance:  A 67-year-old Texas man was enjoying a bunch of erotic lap dances at the Red Parrot strip club, but when it came time to pay the girls, he was found unresponsive and later pronounced dead by emergency workers.  Guess the dancers kind of got stiffed twice!

Woman Goes Shopping in the Nude:  A woman shocked both shoppers and employees by calmly walking into a lumber store followed by a convenience store completely nude before being detained by authorities.  Police say they were reasonably OK with the nudity, right up to the point where she attempted to pull out her credit cards.

Charlize Theron Had No Teeth Till Age 11:  In an interview with the British newspaper The Sun, actress Charlize Theron confessed that all her baby teeth rotted out due to a hefty course of antibiotics and that she had no teeth until she was almost 11-years-old.  She certainly picked the right place to confess that.  I mean, who could possibly relate to having rotten teeth more than the Brits?

Stay-Sober Pill:  Researchers say they are developing a stay-sober pill that will prevent someone from getting drunk off of alcohol.  Researchers predict that people who like this pill will also enjoy smoking the new joint they’ve just developed that doesn’t make you high.

Mark Zuckerberg Marries:  Shortly after taking his company public, Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg and 27-year-old recent medical school graduate Priscilla Chan tied the knot at a small ceremony at his Palo Alto, California home.  So now on top of all those billions and billions, he’ll also be getting all his medical care for free.

Horse Bolts Into Ocean During Photo Shoot:  A 7-year-old Arabian horse named William was rescued from the sea off Santa Barbara, California after he got spooked at a photo shoot and plunged into the water, swimming two miles out to sea before being pulled into a boat.  In retrospect, it might have been a good idea to give the poor horse a little heads-up that he was gonna be in a dog food commercial.

Mount St. Helens Anniversary:  May 18th marks the 32nd anniversary that the Mount St. Helens volcano in Washington state exploded.  Allow me to be the first to wish each and everyone of you a very warm and sincere “happy anniversary.”

Buys Out Entire Kmart Store, Donates It All To Charity:  When Rankin Paynter learned that the Kmart in his Kentucky town was closing, he decided to buy everything on the store’s shelves — and give it all away to charity.  Paynter said afterwards that it was probably the best $75 he ever spent.

Teen Finds Finger in Arby’s Sandwich:  A Michigan teen was almost done with his Arby’s roast beef sandwich when he tasted something rubbery and when he spat it out, he saw the back of a finger extending beyond the first knuckle.  And while that’s pretty disgusting – Arby’s certainly isn’t the only company giving customers the finger these days.

Verizon to End Unlimited Data Plan:  Verizon Wireless plans to completely eliminate its unlimited data plan it had in place before it introduced tiered pricing last year.  Verizon added that the only thing that will remain unlimited would be amount of money you could end up owing them should you happen to go over your monthly data limit.

Turtle Big as Small Car:  Fossilized remains suggest that a turtle the size of a small car once roamed what is now South America about 60 million years ago.  Scientists point out that a turtle as big as a car would have eventually become extinct because they just didn’t have an adequate amount of good roads for them to get around back in those days.

Benefits of Drinking Coffee:  A new study in the New England Journal of Medicine suggests that drinking several cups of coffee a day isn’t likely to harm your health and may even lower your risk of dying from chronic diseases such as diabetes and heart disease.  Of course buying all that coffee at a place like Starbucks will likely send you to the poor house, but you’ll go there healthy.

Mosquitoes Target Banana Eaters:  Studies show that people are more likely to be a target for mosquitoes if they’ve recently consumed bananas.  One the other hand, fleas appear to prefer people who come in the more sweet-tart flavors such as kiwi or elderberry.

Bedbug Survival Without Food:  With the dramatic increase of bedbug infestations of late, its being reported that an adult bedbug can survive for nearly one year without feeding.  Which makes you wonder why bedbugs never seem to choose modeling careers.

Student Debt:  A new study reveals that the average college graduate now leaves school nearly $27,000 in debt.  Good thing that there’s tons of great, high-paying jobs just waiting for them as soon as they graduate.

Mexico Steps Up Wind Power:  A late-comer to wind power, new data indicates that Mexico is dramatically stepping up its investment in the technology.  And of course most of us are reminded of the potential of Mexican “wind power” every time we leave El Torito’s restaurant.

Easter Island Statues Full-Bodied:  Recent excavations have found that the famous Easter Island statues which thought to be just heads, are actually are full-bodied statues.  Scientists are quick to point out, however, that these full-bodied statues should not be confused with plus-sized statues.

Plastic Bag Solution:  There may finally be a solution for all those plastic bags laying around dumps as a group of researchers say they’ve found an organism that eats plastic.  An organism that eats plastic bags is a major discovery?  Hell, my cat does that.

Mexico Steps Up Wind Power:  A late-comer to wind power, Mexico is dramatically stepping up its investment in the technology, building new wind turbines all over Mexico.  Wonder if all those spinning turbines could account for any of those 49 headless bodies that were found?

Walmart Customer Bitten by Rattlesnake:  A Walmart customer in Washington State is recovering after he was bitten by a rattlesnake in a garden department of the store chain.  Frankly, I think I’d be more concerned for my health if a Walmart customer brushed up against me than if some rattlesnake bit me.

Betty White Endorses Obama:  Betty White says she usually keeps her political views private, but in this presidential election, she strongly favors President Barack Obama.  Now if she can just live long enough to vote in November’s election.

Computers Made from Bacteria:  In what could completely change the nature of computing, scientists at UC San Francisco have programed bacteria to act and perform exactly like a computer.  On the downside, you’ll need to go on antibiotics every time you use your computer.

Car Sales Are Half of US Economic Growth:  According to a Bloomberg analyses, car sales make up fully half of the US economic growth for this year.  The other half is believed to come from money the Kardashians sisters spend during shopping sprees.

America’s Rudest City:  In a recent reader’s poll, Travel + Leisure magazine has surprisingly anointed Los Angeles as America’s Rudest City, beating out everybody’s favorite in-your-face burg, New York.  Mayor Michael Bloomberg says New York could challenge the finding, but that would seem rude.

Reaching Sexual Maturity:  Researchers found that men who reach sexual maturity in settings where they far outnumber women live shorter life spans.  Luckily, men almost never reach any sort sexual maturity.

Mexican Drug Gangs Dump 49 Headless Bodies:  In one of the country’s worst atrocities in recent years, suspected drug gang killers dumped 49 headless bodies on a highway near Mexico’s northern city of Monterrey.  Makes you wonder just what kind of animals would do something that could possibly tie up traffic like that?

Yahoo CEO Steps Down Over Embellished Resume:  Yahoo CEO Scott Thompson will step down amid controversy over mentions on his resume and in regulatory filings of a computer science degree he never received.  Thompson was forced to resign after company officials demanded to know what kind of a Yahoo would do put phony credentials on a resume?

EPA Claims Town”s Water is Safe:  The Environmental Protection Agency has concluded that water in Dimrock, Pennsylvania does not show hazardous levels of contaminants linked to fracking, even though homeowners had filed complaints saying that their water appeared clouded and could be lit on fire.  EPA officials counter that this water poses no danger just as long as no one attempts to drink it.

Video Game Sales Fall:  Retailers are reporting that video game sales have dropped a whopping 42% from this time last year.  Wonder if that means that everyone’s switching to audio games?

Motherhood Changes Women’s Brains:  New research is showing that the female brain changes after motherhood, with women’s brains showing a significant increase in gray matter after giving birth.  Ironically, while having children contributes to more gray matter, it also contributes to more gray hair.

Reese Witherspoon’s Dad Sued for Bigamy:  Reese Witherspoon’s mother has filed a lawsuit in Davidson County, Tennessee against her husband, seeking to have his new marriage annulled and accusing him of bigamy.  So I guess we can safely assume he’ll be supporting Mitt Romney in November.

Budget Cutbacks Hurt Washington State’s Response to Whooping Cough:  Whooping cough, a highly infectious respiratory disease once considered doomed by science, has struck Washington State this spring with a severity that health officials say could surpass the toll of any year since the 1940s and that budget cuts are limiting the response to the outbreak.  Health officials say the only solution is for the state to cough-up more funds.

Mitt Romney Apologizes for Bullying:  Mitt Romney has apologized for his behavior during his teenaged years after a report came out in The Washington Post that painted him as a bully who cut off a presumed gay fellow-student’s unconventional hairdo.  Some are questioning why a story like this would suddenly come out just days after Vidal Sassoon died.

“Fifty Shades of Grey” Banned from Florida Libraries:  The best-selling novel “Fifty Shades of Grey,” often referred to as “mommy porn,” is being banned from many libraries in Florida.  Critics claim the ban is totally unnecessary because almost no one in Florida would ever consider setting foot in a library anyway.

Jogging Adds Six Years:  In what scientists feel definitively answers the question of whether jogging is good for your health, a new Danish study determined that jogging regularly could add about six years to your life.  Unfortunately, those extra six years don’t get added at the end.

World’s Youngest Genius Has to Poop:  The 3-year-old genius Emmelyn Roettger who has an IQ of 135 and is the youngest Mensa member, was on the Today Show with her parents where she was expected to be adorable and brilliant for the audience when she suddenly became increasingly distressed and tried to remove her portable microphone, saying “take this off me, I have to poop.  And she’s very likely not the last intelligent person who’ll realize how easily the Today Show can induce a bowel movement.

Controversial Time Breastfeeding Cover: Time magazine posted a provocative cover of its latest issue on Twitter which has gone viral, featuring an attractive 26-year-old mother breastfeeding her 3-year-old son which reads, “Are You Mom Enough?”  Of course most guys are likely to read the caption as “are you MILF enough?”

New Zealand P.M. Supports Gay Marriage:  New Zealand Prime Minister John Key has become yet another world leader to declare that he’s “not personally opposed to gay marriage,” after having previously declined to publicly state his opinion on the subject.  Of course whenever you have a tiny, isolated nation that is home to 40 million sheep, I would assume that any relationship that stays within the same species would bring a sigh of relief from most citizens.

Monster Sunspot:  NASA cautions that some powerful may soon be headed our way from a “monster sunspot” that is more than 60,000 miles wide.  So what’s the big deal?  Larry King has age spots bigger than that.

Bachmann Renounces Swiss Citizenship:  Former Republican presidential candidate Michele Bachmann announced that she’s withdrawing her dual citizenship with Switzerland because she wanted to make it perfectly clear that she was born in America and is a proud American citizen.  After making the announcement, Bachmann then doubled down by renouncing Swiss cheese and vowed to demand that only American cheese will be used on any of her burgers from this point on.

Men Out-Shopping Women Online:  Surprising new research determined that men are now out-shopping women on the internet, with men spending 30% more than women online.  Yea, but its all being spent on porn.

Frequency of Lies:  According to a study conducted by the University of Massachusetts, 60% of adults can’t go 10 without lying.  I can believe it!  At least I think I can.

Arizona Cuts Funding for Planned Parenthood:  In a move designed to appease anti-abortion advocates, Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer signed into law a bill that cuts state taxpayer money to Planned Parenthood.  Because eliminating birth control and family planning services will surely cut down on people seeking abortions.

Pippa Moving to New York City:  British glossy Grazia reports that the Duchess of Cambridge’s younger sister Pippa Middleton is moving to New York to work on her party-planning book.  Or was it that she’s moving to New York because she’s planning to party?

Vidal Sassoon Dies at 84:  Vidal Sassoon, a name forever associated with stylish hair, has died in Los Angeles at age 84.  The funeral director assured Sassoon’s family that if “he doesn’t look good, we don’t look good.”

U.S. Hikers Who Were Imprisoned in Iran Get Married:  Two of the three American hikers who were held captive after being accused of spying in Iran have gotten married.  Sounds like they’ve just moved from one form of captivity into another.

Man Jumps 40 Feet Into Acid to Save Co-Worker:  A roofer in New Jersey jumped into a vat of nitric acid to save a co-worker who had fallen 40 feet into the tank of acid and became full submerged.  Lucky guy!  Hell, I doubt that my co- workers would even bother passing me a napkin if I spilled scalding hot coffee all over my lap.

Kinkade Died From Alcohol and Valium:  According to a just released autopsy report, artist Thomas Kinkade, who was a relapsing alcoholic, died from an accidental overdose of prescription tranquilizers and alcohol.  In related news, police report finding a slew of empty wine bottles behind those idyllic, little cottages Kinkade painted.

New Theory Claims Flatulence Killed Dinosaurs:  British scientists have a new theory about what killed off the dinosaurs, claiming that the Jurassic beasts produced more than 530 million tons of methane gas a year would have been enough to cause massive global warming.  Flatulence killed the dinosaurs?  So that’s what they mean by the Big Bang Theory.

Missiles May Be Put on London Flats:  Seven hundred people in a London residential building are expressing concern after having received leaflets informing them that the government is considering placing a surface-to-air missile system on their building’s roof as the city ramps up security for the Olympic Games.  I think its a great idea.  In fact, it would be nice having a surface-to-air missile handy when the neighbors in the apartment above me are their nightly 3 AM fight.

Domino’s Offers Gluten-Free Pizza Crust:  Domino’s, the world’s largest delivery pizza chain, has announced plans to sell the world’s first pizza made with a gluten-free crust.  And with obesity at just about 40% in the US, perhaps we’d be better off making food that is glutton-free instead of gluten-free.

Cinco de Mayo Drunk Driving Check Points:  The Los Angeles Police Department set up a series of drunken driving checkpoints and saturation patrols in connection with Cinco de Mayo, which authorities say prompts a dramatic increase in drunken driving.  Too bad!  Something like that could shatter the holiday’s reputation as a solemn day of prayer and reflection.

Rebuilding the Titanic:  An Australian billionaire said he plans to build a high-tech replica of the Titanic at a Chinese shipyard and its maiden voyage in late 2016 will be from England to New York, just like its namesake planned.  Not to be outdone, Richard Branson announced plans to rebuild replicas of the Hindenburg and the space shuttle Challenger.

Weather Channel Turns 30:  Beginning as a rather unique concept, the Weather Channel is celebrating its 30th birthday by airing special programming looking back at its 30-year journey.  Staff members are the first to admit that its been quite a stormy 30 years.

Prescription Drug Theft:  Two brothers are accused of stealing $80 million worth of prescription drugs at a warehouse in Connecticut in 2010, which authorities say is the largest larceny of its kind in United States history.  Wow, I guess those guys must have been really ill to need all those drugs.

Osama bin Laden Fretted About Image Control:  New documents released by the State Department show that during his last months holed up in a villa in Pakistan, one of the concerns on Osama bin Laden’s mind was image control, fearing that Al-Qaida’s branches and allies were making the terror network look bad in the eyes of the world.  Yea, it’d be a damn shame if anyone did something to tarnish the good name of an organization like that.

Former Miss New Hampshire Arrested for Assault:  The Union Leader reports that Miss New Hampshire 2010 has been arrested and accused of punching, kicking, scratching and biting her boyfriend during a recent fight.  While the assault charges may be troubling, they aren’t expected to negatively impact her current title, Miss Trailer Park.

Hunter Mistakes Friend for Turkey:  Authorities report that a hunter in Kansas shot his friend twice because he mistakenly took him for a turkey.  I can relate.  I once had a friend who kept mistaking me for someone who actually cared about all her problems.

Brain Chemical May Determine Ambition:  Researchers have found that amounts of a brain chemical called dopamine in three brain regions determine if a person is a go-getter or a procrastinator.  When asked when they intend to publish their findings, researchers said they’ll probably get around to it one of these days.

Edvard Munch Painting Sells for Nearly $120 Million:  One of the art world’s most recognizable images, Edvard Munch’s 1895 painting “The Scream,” a modern symbol of human anxiety, has been sold at Sotheby’s for a record $119,922,500 at auction in New York City.  Sotheby’s say they’re equally hopeful about the auction of Munch’s follow-up painting, known as “The Valium.”

Teen Pot Smoking on the Increase:  According to a new survey of young people, more teens are smoking dope, with nearly 1 in 10 lighting up daily.  I could be wrong on this, but something tells me they’re not smoking the pot for medical reasons.

Columbus May Not Have Been First to America:  An investigation has concluded that John Cabot, the Italian navigator and explorer, may have had knowledge of European expeditions to the “New World” that predated Christopher Columbus’s 1492 voyage.  Researchers say that there’s mounting evidence that those earlier expeditions may have actually discovered Cleveland, which would pretty much explain why they wanted everything kept quiet.

Student Held by DEA Drank Own Urine to Stay Alive:  UC San Diego engineering student Daniel Chong, 23, who was held for five days without food or water filed, has a $20 million lawsuit against the Drug Enforcement Agency, saying his imprisonment qualifies as torture.  When repeatedly questioned by reporters, Chong had to admit that while his captivity may have been torturous, it still wasn’t half as bad as sitting through his geology labs.

Man Sues BMW for Persistent Erection:  A California man has sued BMW North America, claiming that a four-hour round-trip ride on his BMW motorcycle with a “ridge-like” seat gave him “a severe case of priapism (a persistent, lasting erection)” that has lasted 20 months and counting.  In related news, BMW stock closed today up 350%. Man Arrested After Having 

Sex with Dog:  Police say Clearwater, Florida man has been arrested after he kept child pornography on his home computer and took photos of himself involved in a sex act with his girlfriend’s dog.  While not condoning the man’s actions. Clearwater police did admit that the girlfriend’s dog was quite attractive.  Police say the sex was most likely “ruff” sex.

Dinosaurs Were Already in Decline:  A research team has concluded that many dinosaurs were already in decline long before the asteroid hit that is believed to have caused their mass extinction 65 million years ago.  When asked what they feel caused the dinosaur’s decline, scientists say all the evidence appears to be pointing toward smoking.

More Families Adding Storm Shelters:  When deadly twisters chewed through the South and Midwest in 2011, thousands of people in the killers’ paths had nowhere to hide, but now many of those families have taken the unusual extra step to be ready the next time by adding storm shelters to their homes.  While praising those family’s precautionary efforts, many local officials are expressing concerns that there may not be enough devastating storms to make the storm cellar investments worthwhile.

Pay for TGI Friday’s Dinner With Smartphone App:  TGI Friday’s announced that customers can now pay their checks by using a downloadable app on their iPhone or Android smartphones.  Call me old-fashioned, but I still prefer to pay for bad food by writing a bad check.

Arizona Designates State Gun:  The Arizona state legislature is about to designate the Colt revolver Arizona’s official firearm, a controversial move that some critics believe sends the wrong message.  Perhaps, but not nearly as controversial as New Jersey’s decision to proclaim “syphilis” the state’s official venereal disease.

Continental Drift:  Jack Oliver, the man who proved the theory of continental drift, that the earth’s crust is slowly shifting and moving, has died at age 87.  Although he was buried in the family plot in Ithaca, New York, colleagues are quick to point out that in three million years his grave will most likely be located somewhere just east of Tucson.

Parkinson’s Disease More Likely to Strike Cautious People:  A growing body of evidence suggests that Parkinson’s disease is more likely to afflict people with rigid, cautious personalities who avoid taking risks.  Researchers say this data could completely shake up the scientific community.

Wants Bath Salts Banned:  A new bill offered by Senator Charles Schumer would ban the sale of bath salts making them a federally controlled substance due to kids using them to get high.  All I know is I don’t wanna be the guy checking into prison when inmates ask “why you in the joint” and having to tell them “bath salts.”

Baseball-Sized Hail Hits St. Louis:  Baseball-sized hail has slammed down in the St. Louis suburb of Maryland Heights, breaking car windows and sending people running for cover.  While baseball-sized hail is bad, its still a hell of a lot better than hail the size off balls from other sports.

Time to Sleep:  A former Ohio church child day-care worker has been convicted of child endangerment for slipping a dietary supplement into the children’s candy to get them to sleep.  Perhaps even more disturbing, the woman admitted building a gingerbread house to lure the children in to eat the candy.

No Smoking:  New York City has implemented one of the nation’s toughest smoking bans which will include parks, beaches and even Times Square.  Of course drinking, using drugs and public urinating will still fine in those areas just as long as you’re not smoking while you’re doing them.”

Most Fashionable City in US:  Bundle.com compiled data on the most fashionable cities in America and surprisingly, it wasn’t New York or LA, but Irvine, California that walked away with the top prize.  My question is why would someone living in Irvine even bother to dress nicely?  Does anyone really care that you’re wearing Armani when you’re eating at the Olive Garden?

Four-Year-Old Admitted to Mensa:  Heidi Hankins, a 4-year-old British girl who has already taught herself to read, has become eligible to be admitted to Mensa with an IQ that is 59 points higher than the average score.  Luckily, and because the child is so smart, she was quickly able to figure out that belonging to Mensa really sucks.

Dirty Bomb Danger in LA:  USC researcher Adam Rose says if Los Angeles were to fall victim to a terrorist attack, one of the most likely methods would be a “dirty bomb.”  This is in contrast to New York, where terrorists would most likely have to use a “dirty, rotten bomb.”

Study Finds 1 in 5 of Americans Don’t Use Internet:  While some of us are compulsively checking Facebook, watching movies on Netflix or checking out adorable baby animal photos, a new study found that one fifth of American adults don’t use the Internet at all.  Psychologists say that sadly, these poor souls actually have to interact with all the world’s morons instead of just dealing with them online.

Quantum Computer Built Inside a Diamond:  In a feat that they say may make for even-faster computers, scientists at USC have built a quantum computer inside a diamond.  Great, now computers are gonna cost $50,000.  Couldn’t they have built it in a Cubic Zirconia instead?

Women Moving Toward Combat Positions:  The Marine Corps is bringing women into units that had been male-only, starting with its infantry officer school at Quantico, Va., and some ground combat battalions.  Military leaders are quick to point out that many women have already seen close hand-to-hand combat during big sales at Nordstrom or Saks Fifth Avenue, not to mention regularly battling for coveted parking spaces at shopping malls across America.

Romney’s Financial Advice to Students:  At a talk at Ohio’s Otterbein University, the Mitt Romney offered his expertise to a room of students, telling them that if they want to start a business or pay for their education, they should just borrow the money from mom and dad.  And for those kids who don’t think their parents will give them any money or are afraid to ask, they might wanna try googling “the Menendez brothers.”

Change Sheets:  A new study interviewed thousands and concluded that the majority of Americans change their bed sheets on average about once a week.  When questioned about the validity of the study, researchers described it change you can believe in.

Most Popular Side Dish in US:  A new study determined that macaroni and cheese is the most popular side dish in the United States.  That’s probably because its about the only thing that most of us can afford to eat anymore.

Secret Service Gets New Rules:  In light of a prostitution scandal in Colombia, the men and women who protect the president are getting a new rulebook for conduct which includes no bringing foreigners back to your hotel.  And that’s of course sound advice for all Americans to follow.  When you’re thinking about getting a hooker, for heaven’s sake, buy American.

One-Third Of U.S. Workers Aren’t Getting Enough Sleep:  Despite the recommendation that adults get between seven and nine hours of sleep every night, a new study shows that about a third of US workers aren’t hitting those goals.  The study said the exception to the rule are the air traffic controllers, who seem to get all the sleep they want at work.

Woman Kills Man by Squeezing His Testicles:  A Chinese man was reportedly killed when a woman squeezed his testicles until he collapsed during a fight over a parking space.  Now I sure there must be far worse ways to die, but frankly, I can’t imagine what they would be.

Porn Can Shut Down Part of Your Brain:  New research finds that looking at erotic movies can actually shut down the part of the brain that processes visual stimuli.  On the plus side, it seems to really perk up other parts of the body

Importance of Social Ties:  Researchers analyzing numerous various studies on sociability found that our social ties with friends and family play a very important role in keeping us healthy.  If that’s the case, then I’m getting sick and tired of being healthy.

Pizza Hut Offers New Cheeseburger Pizza:  Pizza Hut has introduced a new pizza that contains multiple cheeseburgers stuffed within the crust.  Pizza Hut strongly recommends following-up any cheeseburger pizza with their new Creme Brulee dessert which features generous portions of beta blockers, statins and anticoagulants baked right into the crust.

Bird Strikes Pose Ongoing Danger to Aircraft:  As birds continue to collide with planes in alarming numbers, the Federal Aviation Administration is working with the Agricultural Department and the Air Force to reduce the dangerous collisions.  Sounds to me like who they really need to be consulting with is Alfred Hitchcock.

Metta World Peace Throws Vicious Elbow: Metta World Peace has been given a seven day suspension for his vicious elbow to James Harden’s head that has shocked basketball fans and NBA officials alike.  Well aware of the contradiction, immediately following after the game he went to the court house and had his name changed to “Metta World -You Wanna Piece of Me?”

TSA Screeners Charged with Drug Trafficking at LAX:  Two current and two former Transportation Security Administration screeners have been charged with drug trafficking and bribery for allegedly allowing cocaine, speed and marijuana to pass through checkpoints at Los Angeles International Airport.  Investigators say things were getting so bad that about the only thing these TSA screeners weren’t allowing to pass through their checkpoint were ticketed passengers.

Census Shows Big Jump in Interracial Couples:  Interracial partnering across the USA has reached record levels, according to 2010 Census data just released that reflect sharp increases in the percentages of people of different races who are married or live together.  The Census Bureau points out that those figures have been seasonally adjusted in order to account for the numerous Kardashian romances.Florida Hunter Mistakes Girlfriend for a Hog:  A Florida couple, who were on a weekend camping and hunting trip in the northern part of the state, had their weekend ruined after the man mistook his girlfriend for a hog and shot her.  I’m guessing this probably isn’t the right guy to ask “does my ass look too big in this dress?”

Bakersfield Has Nation’s Worst Air:   The American Lung Association released its “State of the Air” report and listed Bakersfield, California as the city with the worst air quality in the nation.  Perhaps, but if you’re someone who’s stuck living in Bakersfield, I would assume that poor air quality is probably one of the least of your annoyances.

Teens Drinking Hand Sanitizers:  The California Poison Control Center has received over 60 reports of teenagers ending up in emergency rooms after drinking “cheap liquid hand sanitizers” which contain 62 percent ethyl alcohol to get drunk.  Guess the lesson here is, if you’re gonna drink sanitizer, never go with the cheap brands.

Human Health on Mars Mission Discussed:  Scientists warn that future astronauts spending time on the surface of Mars may face radiation exposure levels that could increase the risk of DNA damage, cardiac arrhythmia, reduced stability and performance, sensory impairments and demineralization of bone tissue.  And good luck finding a specialist to treat any of those things while you’re on Mars.

Teacher Fired for Appearing in Porn Video:  A Southern California science instructor has been fired for performing in a pornographic video which was apparently produced before she became a teacher in Oxnard in 2009.  Sad that she had to lose her job, but there’s always the possibility that the secret service may have some work for her to perform.

Robin Gibb Awakes from Coma:  A spokesman says Bee Gees star Robin Gibb has woken from a coma after contracting pneumonia and is communicative and showing signs of being on the road to recovery.  When asked what Gibb’s immediate plans are, he said “stay’n alive, stay’n alive, ah, ah, ah, ah, stay’n alive.”

Bird Strike Cripples Biden Plane in California:  Vice President Joe Biden landed safely aboard Air Force Two after his plane was struck by a huge flock of birds while on approach to Santa Barbara Airport.  After departing the plane, Biden and the other passengers were greeted by Alfred Hitchcock.

Not Interested in Cars:  A recent study by Gartner research revealed that, if forced to choose, 46% of all 18-to-24-year-old drivers in the United States would choose access to the Internet over access to a car.  That’s because you don’t really need a car to go to a porn site.

States Allowing Phone Carriers to Drop Land-Line Service:  As consumers continue to move to wireless, states are passing controversial laws which would end requirements that phone companies provide everyone with land-line service.  The phone companies are justifying the measures by claiming that there is no longer enough land available to provide everyone with a land-line who wants one.

More Americans Living Alone:  New data indicate that more Americans are going solo with 50% of adults in the US indicating that they are living single.  Small wonder everyone’s single.  Let’s face it, even if they did meet someone, in this economy, who could afford to go out on a date?

Columbian Girl Gives Birth at 10:  A 10-year-old Colombian girl gave birth to a healthy baby girl, making her one of the youngest mothers ever.  I imagine its gonna be a bit uncomfortable for a moment when the poor baby-sitter discovers she’ll be sitting both the baby and the baby’s mother.

Connecticut Boy Brings 50 Packets of Heroin to School:  Police say the stepfather of a 5-year-old Connecticut boy is under arrest after the child brought 50 packets of heroin to school for show and tell session.  The child’s stunned schoolmates are saying that this is some of the highest grade heroin they’ve seen all year.

Researchers Say Any Physical Activity Can Lower Alzheimer’s Risk:  While its well documented that exercise can lower the risk of Alzheimer’s in seniors, a group of researchers are claiming that any kind of physical activity, such as washing dishes, cooking, cleaning and gardening also significantly reduce the risk of Alzheimer’s.  And in a bold effort to eradicate the dreaded disease, researches are inviting all local seniors to cook, clean, garden and wash dishes at the researcher’s houses.

Stolen Tom Petty Guitars Found:  Police say a private security guard is under arrest after pawning one of five precious guitars belonging to Tom Petty and his band off a Culver Studios’ sound stage at a Hollywood pawn shop.  A spokesperson for the band said if the guitars had not been recovered, it would have been a heartbreaker.

Man Drowns After Being Attacked By Swans:  Family and friends are trying to cope with the death of an Illinois man who drowned after getting attacked by the swans in the pond that he was employed to take care of.  Authorities say this should make parents think twice about telling their ugly-duckling daughters that they’ll one-day turn into swans.

Reverse Mortgages:  Tried to sign up for one of those reverse mortgages, but there seems to be some kind of a rule that you actually own the house that you want to get the reverse mortgage from.

Lowest Homicide Rate:  Despite the faltering economy, the Los Angeles Police Department is reporting the lowest homicide rate since 1967.  That’s pretty easy to figure out.  No one can afford to buy ammunition anymore.

Doesn’t Use the Internet:  In a recent interview with Elle, Winona Ryder claims that she doesn’t use the internet.  I see her point, its pretty difficult to shoplift anything at Amazon.Com?

Alaska Polar Bears Losing Their Fur:  A significant amount of Alaska’s polar bears are losing their fur and US Geological Survey scientists are struggling to determine why.  The National Wildlife Federation says until the issue is resolved, about the only thing we can do is ask the Kardashians if they would consider allowing the bears to wear some of their furs.

Meth Lab Found in Alabama Walmart Restroom:  Police say that a meth lab has been found operating inside an Alabama Walmart bathroom.  Area meth dealers say its yet another example of Walmart trying to force local entrepreneurs out of business.

Kinkade’s Girlfriend Claims He Died Happy:  Thomas Kinkade’s girlfriend has told the San Jose Mercury News that the artist died “very, very happy.”  Oh, so that’s how he died!

Cable Bills to Hit $200 A Month:  Move over $5 a gallon gas, an alarming new industry forecast points out that cable bills are quietly climbing 6% a year and will pass $200 a month by the year 2020.  Those familiar with the matter say the Mayans predicted that even if Earth’s inhabitants somehow manage to survive a 2012 cataclysm, civilization would eventually be crushed anyway under $200+ cable bills by 2020.

US Reviewing Plans to Boost West’s Water Supply:  The U.S. Bureau of Reclamation is reviewing more than 140 ideas submitted to them for boosting west’s dwindling water supply.  Perhaps the least popular of all the ideas under consideration is asking women living in the western states who happen to be retaining water to consider releasing some of it.

Wal-Mart Abandons Supercenter Plans:  Wal-Mart is finally abandoning plans to build a Wal-Mart Supercenter near the site of a famous Civil War battle after the protests of hundreds of historians.  Wal-Mart unsuccessfully argued that the slave wages they pay employees would fit in very well with the area’s civil war theme.

British Man May Have Fathered 600 Children:  Bertold Wiesner, a British man who founded a London fertility clinic with his wife more than 50 years ago, may have helped as many as six hundred women conceive using his sperm, according to two men who have researched the clinic.  And all these years his wife thought he was reading all those Playboy magazines for the articles,

Printing Errors:  The US Treasury reports that more than 1 billion new, high-tech $100 bills are in storage and won’t be circulated until it’s figured out how many must be destroyed because of flaws that occurred during their printing.  Seems a shame to destroy the bills over some slight imperfection.  I’d be glad to take them off their hands.  I not all that fussy that my $100 bills are perfect.

One-Armed Bandit:  A bank robbery suspect in west Orlando surprised officers when the his prosthetic arm popped off during his arrest.  Needless to say, the handcuffing did not go very well.  The man was eventually arrested and charged with “arm robbery.”

Arizona Legislature Wants to Make Negative Internet Posts Illegal:  The Arizona Legislature is proposing a new law that would make it illegal to post negative comments on the internet, with the penalty for offending someone being up to six months in jail.  Not surprisingly, no one has had anything negative to say about the bill so far.

L.A. Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa  Washes Feet on Skid Row:  L.A. Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa was among the more than 400 volunteers at the Los Angeles Mission’s annual Easter Dinner event to wash feet on Skid Row this Good Friday.  Washing people’s feet on skid row?  Guess I’ll never complain about my job again.

Amish Youths Arrested on Alcohol-Possession:  The Buffalo News reports that four Amish youths have been arrested on alcohol-possession charges in western New York state after a sheriff’s patrol car hit their buggy while responding to a report of underage drinking.  Perhaps even more disturbing, the Amish youths say they planned to sell the alcohol to Morons.

Mysteries of Sleep:  Sleep seems to not only restores the body after a long day, but it also appears to play a role in learning, memory growth, development and immunity, yet researchers say they don’t know exactly why or how sleep works its many wonders.  And sadly, many admit that they’re just too tired to try and find out.

T. rex Probably Sported Colorful Feathers:  T. rex has long been depicted in movies and popular culture as a ferocious, meat-eating dinosaur with tough, scaly skin, but scientists now say it may be time to change that image after the discovery of an earlier T. rex relative sporting a colorful, downy coat of feathers.  Its beginning to sound a little like T. rex might have been more of an exotic dancer in some dinosaur chorus line than a savage predator.

Dallas Residents Assessing Tornado Damage:  Dallas residents have begun assessing the damage after as many as a dozen twisters touched down in a wrecking-ball swath of violent weather that stretched across Dallas and Fort Worth area.  Meteorologists point out that its very unlikely storms like this could strike here in California because there just aren’t enough trailer parks to support all those twisters.

Josef Stalin Notebooks Cause Stir In Russia:  School notebooks with a portrait of Soviet dictator Josef Stalin on the cover have been causing a controversy in Russia since they went on sale this week, but eager customers are still snapping them up off the shelves.  And just in the nick-of-time.  My Pol Pot notebook is completely full.

New Tornado Warnings:  The National Weather Service is testing out new tornado warnings, designed to better communicate the dangers of approaching storms in an emergency that will include somewhat controversial terms such as “mass devastation,” “unsurvivable,” and “catastrophic.”  Perhaps the most controversial of all the new warnings is the “trailer trash better head for the hills” designation.

No Kilt Wearing at Prom:  A senior high school student in southwestern Illinois will have to settle for wearing pants to his prom, after a decision by the school board banned him from wearing a kilt to the event.  Meanwhile, the boy’s parents are claiming that it wouldn’t have kilt them to let him wear the outfit.

Octomom Poses for Simi-Nude Photos:  An attorney for “Octomom” Nadya Suleman says she agreed to a paid interview and semi-nude photographs for a British magazine because she’s struggling financially.  She actually did pose completely nude, but you just couldn’t see much for all the diapers.

Jerry Lee Lewis Weds Cousin’s Ex:  The 76-year-old rock-and-roller Jerry Lee Lewis has married for the seventh time, and this time to Judith Brown, the ex-wife of Lewis’s second cousin Rusty Brown, who happens to be the brother of Lewis’s third wife, who won infamy for being only 13 when she married the then 23-year-old Jerry Lee Lewis.  Whenever asked to explain his relationship, Lewis simply says “its complicated.”

Oldest Door:  Archaeologists in the Swiss city of Zurich have unearthed what is believed to be a 5,000-year-old door that may be one of the oldest doors ever found in Europe.  The door was sold at auction to a New York collector who immediately had two dead bolts installed.

Vegans Upset Over Starbucks Using Ground-Up Beetles for Coloring:  A Vegan website is warning its readers to avoid Starbucks’ Strawberry Frappuccino because they are now using ground-up cochineal beetles found in Mexico and South America for coloring.  While pretty disgusting, its still probably a better idea than their original plan of grinding-up the homeless.

President Obama Says North Korea in a Time Warp:  During a recent news conference, President Obama described North Korea as a place living in a time warp that has missed the last 40 or 50 years of progress.  No kidding!  You know you’re falling behind the times when even the Amish are mocking you out.

Home Sickness:  Researchers say homesickness isn’t really about missing your home, but more about our instinctive need for love, protection and security which most of us associate with home.  Funny, I always assumed homesickness was about having to listen to relative’s endless bickering, which is pretty much enough to make anyone sick.

James Cameron Describes Earth’s Deepest Spot:  James Cameron is describing his dissent to the Earth’s deepest spot as a place which is completely desolate and foreboding.  Cameron went on to say that this is quite possibly the only place on Earth that could make Cleveland seem pleasant.

Bigfoot Hunter Fined by National Parks Service:  The National Parks Service has fined a Bigfoot hunter Matt Pruitt for not having a permit when he convinced 31 Sasquatch seekers to pay $300 to $500 apiece to participate in an unsuccessful hunt for Bigfoot along Arkansas’ Buffalo National River.  Park rangers say he might have gotten away scot-free if it weren’t for his habit of sticking his Bigfoot in his mouth.

Pope Meets With Fidel Castro:  Pope Benedict XVI celebrated Mass in Havana’s Revolution Plaza before meeting privately with former Cuban leader Fidel Castro.  Immediately following the meeting, the Pope surprised everyone by reappearing donning military fatigues, rifle and beret while announcing plans to relocate to the jungles of Bolivia to take up where Che Guevara’s left off in fighting capitalist oppression.

Bobby Brown Arrested for DUI in Tarzana:  Singer Bobby Brown, the ex-husband of the late Whitney Houston, has been arrested in Tarzana, California on suspicion of driving under the influence.  While not condoning Brown’s drinking and driving, the judge did acknowledge that its not all that easy having to spend any amount of time in Tarzana if you’re completely sober.

German Court OK’s Racial Profiling:  A German court has ruled that its OK for German police to racially profile citizens.  Pretty difficult to imagine anything that could possibly go wrong with that.

Pope Meets With Fidel Castro:  Pope Benedict XVI celebrated Mass in Havana’s Revolution Plaza before meeting privately with former Cuban leader Fidel Castro.  Immediately following the meeting, the Pope surprised everyone by reappearing donning military fatigues, rifle and beret while announcing plans to relocate to the jungles of Bolivia to take up where Che Guevara’s left off in fighting capitalist oppression.

Students Must Show ID’s at SAT Exams:  Under a host of new security measures announced in the aftermath of a major cheating scandal on Long Island, the millions of students who take the SAT each year will have to submit photos of themselves when they sign up for the college entrance exams.  The new security measures are somewhat controversial because testing officials are requesting that all pictures submitted be nude photos.

Most Popular US Websites:  A new survey found that Facebook, Google, and YouTube are the most popular websites in the U.S.  The least popular turns out to be myproctologyexam.com.

Moon Formation Theory Challenged by New Study:  Far more of the moon may be made of material from Earth than previously thought, according to a new study that may contradict the reigning theory about what the moon was made of.  Astronomers say the new evidence could result in science discarding the “green cheese” theory altogether.

Saints Coach Suspended for Season for Bounties:  The NFL has suspended New Orleans Saints coach Sean Payton for the upcoming season, one of a slew of harsh punishments thrust on the team for its “bounty program,” whereby players were rewarded for injuring opponents on the field.  In related news, two additional NFL teams are now being investigated for saying really hurtful things about opposing players.

Hungarian Mathematician Wins Abel Prize:  Hungarian mathematician Endre Szemerédi has won the Abel Prize for his contributions to “theoretical computer science” and “discrete mathematics.”  Experts say Szemerédi’s math is so “discrete” that you’d think he’s just picking his nose when he’s actually solving another yet complex mathematical theorem.

AT&T Accused of Improperly Billing for Service for Deaf:  The Justice Department has accused AT&T of knowing that a calling service it offered for the deaf was being used by Nigerian swindlers and others to steal from American merchants.  AT&T claims they didn’t think it all that important to report that Nigerians were abusing the service because nothing really works on their network anyway.

Reports of New iPad Overheating:  Consumer Reports says they’re looking into reports that Apple’s new iPad new is prone towards overheating.  While Apple is vigorously denying those claims, it doesn’t look good that Home Depot has decided to sell them as space heaters.

NYPD Kept Files on Liberal Groups: The Associated Press is reporting that officers from the New York City Police Department went undercover to gather information on liberal political groups and their members.  Wow, that’s just wrong for police agencies to be spying and gathering information on law abiding citizens!  Hasn’t anyone ever informed them that those kind of invasions of privacy are better left to the real pros like Rupert Murdoch’s News Corp.

Kaiser Medical Center Employee Held in Stabbing:  Officials say a Kaiser Foundation Hospital employee has been arrested on suspicion of murder after a man was fatally stabbed during an altercation outside the Woodland Hills Medical Center.  Guess he figured why should the doctors be the only Kaiser employees who get to slice up and butcher patients.

The New iPad:  Just picked up the new iPad. Unfortunately, I didn’t bother to pay for it, so I’m sitting in jail, but it did seem like a great device.

Many Chinese Living in Caves:  According to a recent report published in the Los Angeles Times, over 30 million Chinese citizens are making their homes in caves.  Sociologists point out that this is what can happen in a country where people are too poor to live in trailer parks.

Bacterial Glue:  Researchers have developed a bacteria that produce a kind of glue that can fill in the cracks in concrete structures.  On the downside, if the bacteria doesn’t work as planned, we’ll have to put all our concrete structures on antibiotics.

International Swimsuit Model Accused of Being Drug Ring Mastermind:  An international swimsuit model who was once the face of the Ed Hardy brand of bikinis, has been arrested on the run in Australia on charges of being the mastermind of a worldwide drug ring run out of a Hollywood apartment.  I’m just trying to figure out where she could have been hiding all those drugs while wearing skimpy bikinis.

Encyclopedia Britannica To Cease Print Edition:  Encyclopedia Britannica, the world’s most famous print encyclopedia, has announced that after 244 years, it is no longer going to make new physical copies of its flagship publication.  In related news, Wikipedia just announced it will be shutting down its internet site and moving to a new, hard-cover version of Wikipedia.

Obama Knocks Rutherford B. Hayes:  In a recent speech in Ohio aimed at reforming energy policy, President Obama mentioned that President Rutherford B. Hayes’ refusal to use the telephone accounts for “why he’s not on Mount Rushmore”—and that he doesn’t plan on making the same mistake.  Really?  I had no idea that there are phones installed for the presidents on Mount Rushmore to use.

Invisible Children’s “Kony 2012” Video Creator Arrested:  NBC San Diego is reporting that Jason Russell, the co-founder of “Invisible Children,” the advocacy group behind the “Kony 2012” viral video, has been detained by police for public intoxication, vandalizing cars and masturbating in public.  I guess there are just some things that should remain “invisible.”

Star Swapping:  Astronomers are now suggesting that planets who orbit double stars may swap stars periodically, orbiting one for a while and then heading for another.  So, apparently even planets have difficulty with commitment.

Lincoln Museum Pulls John Wilkes Booth Bobblehead:  A John Wilkes Booth bobblehead doll complete with pistol has been pulled from the shelves of the Abraham Lincoln Presidential Library and Museum gift shop in response to complaints that selling such an item is in bad taste by making light of Lincoln’s assassination.  All I can say is lighten up!  Its not like its gonna kill someone if they carry a John Wilkes Booth doll.

Fist Fight Breaks Out at Chicago Symphony:  A fist fight broke out in the box seats at the Chicago Symphony when two concert goers began brawling just as the second movement of Brahms Symphony No. 2 was coming to a close.  Sadly, many concert goers in the area where the fight broke out were so frightened that they ended up taking a Brahms Symphony No. 2 right in their pants.

Postal Service Loses 8.5 Billion:  The U.S. Postal Service announced that they have lost 8.5 billion this past year.  Analysts are now trying to determine if the 8.5 billion loss is in dollars or pieces of mail.

Marie Osmond Pees Herself Onstage:  Veteran entertainer Marie Osmond and her singer brother Donny were hosting their final gig aboard the Donny & Marie “Cruisin With Friends” tour when an audience member asked the Marie a question that caused her to double over in hysterics so much that she couldn’t regain her composure and accidentally relieved herself in front of the entire crowd.  When shocked audience members were asked if they’d ever attend another Marie Osmond concert, many said “it all Depends.”

Review of Olive Garden Becomes Internet Sensation:  An 85-year-old Fargo, North Dakota newspaper columnist sat down to review her town’s hot new Italian restaurant, rhapsodizing about the chicken Alfredo, crisp greens and “two long, warm breadsticks,” but because the restaurant was the Olive Garden, Marilyn Hagerty’s earnest assessment swiftly became an absolute Internet sensation.  Hagerty says as far as she’s concerned, Fargo hasn’t had an opportunity to enjoy such delicious, down home cooking since Pizza Hut came to town back in the late 80’s.

Adele Says New House Haunted:  Six-time Grammy winner Adele recently purchased a $11 million, 10-bedroom home in Sussex, England, but now is afraid to sleep there alone because she believes it’s haunted.  No kidding!  I’d be haunted too if I just dropped $11 million on a 10-bedroom house which will essentially provide housing for just one person.

Women Better At Spotting Snakes After Ovulation: Japanese primatologists from Kyoto University claim that when women are in the ‘luteal phase’ of their menstrual cycle (after ovulation), their fear reflexes are stronger, meaning they’re better at detecting snakes and other potentially dangerous hazards.  The study went on to add that while women may in fact be good at spotting snakes, they still frequently marry them.

Comet May Have Collided With Earth 13,000 Years Ago:  Scientists are claiming that new evidence supports the idea that a huge space rock collided with our planet about 13,000 years ago which was powerful enough to melt the ground and may have killed off many large mammals as well as humans.  OK, but why bother bringing it up now?  I would assume that after 13,000 years the “Statute of Limitations” would have long passed to collect any damages.

Utah Passes Anti–Sex Ed Bill:  The Utah state Republican legislature has passed a bill that would ban public schools from teaching contraception as a way of preventing pregnancy or sexually transmitted diseases as well as prohibiting teaching about homosexuality.  And laws like that really make an awful lot of sense, if its 1925.

Chinese Erect Hotel in 15 Days:  A Chinese company has seemingly accomplished the impossible, erecting an entire 30-story hotel in just 15 days.  That’s OK, but anyone who erects a hotel in under 4 hours, should see a doctor.

Elderly Women in Cyprus Facing Gambling Charge:  The daughter of a 98-year-old woman says her mother is among some 40 elderly ladies ordered to appear in a Cyprus court to face a gambling charge after police raided their penny ante poker party more than two years ago.  Guess authorities felt that these women need to curtail their gambling habits before it develops into a major problem for them later in life.

Drunken Husband Accidentally Kills Wife With Cannonball:  The Los Angeles Times is reporting that the intoxicated husband of a 33-year-old woman is being held after the man fired a cannonball that blew through her mobile home in the wee hours of the morning and killed her.  Yet another poignant reminder not to shoot off cannons inside trailer parks when you’re totally hammered.

Europa Ocean May Be Too Acidic for Life:  Researchers say that due to compounds that regularly migrate downward from its surface, the ocean underneath the icy shell of Jupiter’s moon Europa might be too acidic to support life.  To put things in perspective, scientists say that just about the only thing we have here on Earth that would be comparable to such an acidic, hostile environment would be Ricky Gervais’ humor.

Some Labeling Jeffrey Dahmer Tour in Wisconsin as Insensitive:  Even though some are calling it insensitive, a marketing group in Wisconsin intends to go ahead with planned walking tours of the bar and neighborhood where serial killer Jeffrey Dahmer met and hung out with some of his victims.  Perhaps even more troubling, the tour will include a box lunch featuring samples of items that Dahmer stored in his refrigerator.

Entire Month’s Worth of Tornadoes Strike in One Day:  Meteorologists say that in what may be the biggest daily tornado outbreak on record, an entire month’s worth of twisters struck in a single day March 2, 2012.  While some are quick to blame global warming, meteorologists say a more likely explanation is the economic crises, which has forced people into trailer parks.

Dementia Becoming Problem Growing in California Prison System:  At the California Men’s Colony in San Luis Obispo, prison officials are now using inmates who are doing time for murder to care for the ever increasing number of prisoners with Alzheimer’s disease and other dementias.  Well, I guess that’s one sure-fire way to eliminate the dementia problem.

New Orleans Defense Targets Opponents With Intent to Injure:  The NFL is claiming that New Orleans Saints players have maintained a “bounty program” over the last three seasons that targeted opponents with the intent to injure them.  New Orleans management responded by saying that “we’ve never really claimed that all our players are saints.”

New Book Celebrates Rolling Stones 50th Year:  While there is still no word on a Rolling Stones anniversary tour, but the band will mark its 50th year with a new book.  The buzz is that no nursing home coffee table will be compete without one.

Giant Jurassic Fleas Found in China:  Newly found fossils of fleas, 165 million years old, show that the critters were almost an inch in length and had blood-sucking mouthpieces that scientists say were used to penetrate extremely tough hides.  That’s just crazy!  I mean, how the hell are you supposed to put a flea collar on a T. Rex?

Book Claims Tiger Woods Wanted to Be Navy SEAL:  An upcoming book written by his former coach, Hank Haney, claims that Tiger Woods had an intense interest in the military and that Tiger was at one time interested in becoming a Navy SEAL.  SEAL training might have been a smart move.  Tiger probably could have used it to shield himself when his wife was swinging a golf club at him way back in ‘09.

Santorum Against Separation of Church and State:  Rick Santorum said that when John F. Kennedy gave his speech supporting the separation of church and state, it just made him want to throw up.  Which is kind of like how the rest of us feel when we see him in those sweater vests.

T-Rex Had the Most Powerful Bite Ever:  Scientists say new data concludes that the dreaded Tyrannosaurus Rex had the most powerful bite of any terrestrial animal – modern or prehistoric – that ever lived.  Oh my word!  Pity his poor dentist.

Iceman Tests Completed:  An international team of researchers say that 5,300 year old Ötzi the Tyrolean Iceman’s had hardened arteries, tooth cavities, fancied tattoos, ate ibex for his last meal, and died with a arrow in his back – with DNA analysis suggesting his genes predisposed him to coronary heart disease and that he also had the earliest known case of Lyme disease.  To which Blue Cross responded “sounds a lot like a pre-existing condition to me.”

New Nokia 41-Megapixel Camera Phone:  Nokia has unveiled a new 41-megapixel camera phone at Mobile World Congress with the new PureView 808 smartphone.  Unfortunately at 41-megapixels, all it takes is one picture and you’ve completely filled up your hard drive and the phone is essentially useless.

Limited-Edition Nike Sneakers Spark Riot:  More than 100 Orlando sheriff’s deputies in riot gear broke up an out-of-control crowd waiting outside a mall to buy a limited-edition Nike basketball shoe.  Apparently Nike limited production in order to appeal to people with limited intelligence.

Many Condoms Are Used Incorrectly:  When used correctly, condoms can prevent unwanted pregnancy and sexually transmitted disease, but a new review of research determined that improper use of condoms is all too common.  For example, analysts say it does little good to wear a condom when you pay your cable bill.  The result is still gonna be pretty much the same.

Sharks Found to Have Social Networks:  Sharks have a reputation for being ruthless, solitary predators, but evidence is mounting that many sharks also have complex social lives that include longstanding relationships and teamwork.  For example, joining a good swim club is always a top priority for the sharks.

Enquirer Under Fire for Whitney Houston Casket Photo:  The National Enquirer is coming under fire for publishing a photo of Whitney Houston in an open casket on the cover of its March 5th issue.  Yea, who could ever imagine the National Enquirer publishing a tacky, insensitive photo?

Maher to Give $1 Million to Obama Super Pac:   Comedian Bill Maher announced that he will be donating $1Million to the Obama Super PAC.  Personally, I’d be willing to donate money just to get the politicians to shut up.

Black Hole Has 20 Million MPH Winds:  NASA scientists have measured the fastest winds yet observed from a stellar-mass black hole at 20 million MPH, shedding light on the behavior of these curious cosmic objects.  Wow – 20 million MPH winds?  Sounds like a certain black hole must have gobbled up a star or two that didn’t agree with it.

Jeremy Lin Says Kim Kardashian Not His Type:  New York Knicks sensation Jeremy Lin did a sit-down interview with Rachel Nichols of ESPN in which he denied rumors that he was dating Kim Kardashian by saying “she’s just not my type.”  Which makes him about the only player in the NBA who doesn’t have a Kardashian written into their contract.

New Planet Discovered:  Scientists have discovered a new type of alien planet — a steamy waterworld that is larger than Earth but smaller than Uranus.  It makes you wonder just how large they think Uranus is?

Study Says Goats Have Accents:  Researchers from Queen Mary University of London have found that goats’ “accents” change as they grow older.  Scientists say its not uncommon for goats to use a vocal coach in the hope that they can avoid sounding like some old goat.

Most Women Under 30 Are Having Children Unmarried:  After steadily rising for five decades, the share of children born to unmarried women has crossed a threshold with more than half of births to American women under 30 occurring outside marriage.  Sadly, many of these women admitted that they weren’t even aware of the fact that all you need to do to prevent unwanted pregnancy is stick a Bayer aspirin between your legs.

Mediterranean Diet Improves Brain Function:  A new study reveals that fresh veggies, fish, whole grains, legumes and olive oil, the so-called “Mediterranean diet,” is not only healthy for your heart, it may also help prevent cognitive decline.  This, as opposed to the American diet, which appears to be linked to no cognitive activity at all.

Tornado on the Sun:  NASA’s Solar Dynamics Observatory has posted a stunning video which shows the sun’s plasma sliding and spinning around in the star’s magnetic fields, creating a tornado on the sun’s surface that might be as large as the Earth itself and have gusts up to 300,000 miles per hour.  Surprised scientists say the significance of this discovery is that if there are tornados on the surface of the sun, then that almost certainly means there are mobile home parks also.

Childhood Obesity on the Rise:  With obesity on the rise among school kids, many schools are being forced to order special desks and seats to accommodate these obese students.  Perhaps even more shocking will be the demand for elementary school coronary units as kids begin having their first heart attacks around 7th grade.

Janitor Satellite to Grab Space Junk:  Swiss scientists say they plan to launch a “janitor satellite” specially designed to grab some of the 500,000 pieces of orbiting debris known as space junk and send it back toward Earth where it will burn-up upon reentry.  Wonder if Swiss scientists could be of any help getting rid of the 500,000 pieces of junk laying around my house?

Strike Against Hostess:  The Teamsters union said that its members at Wonder Bread and Twinkies maker Hostess Brands have voted to authorize a strike if a bankruptcy judge approves the company’s request to cut their pension and health care benefits.  Interesting, when you consider that the people who are probably gonna need the health care benefits the most are the people who actually eat the Twinkies.

Big People Die Too:  Casket makers report a huge growth in sales of extra large caskets, calling it a dignified way for families of the obese to also find closure.  Yea, I can see where it would be difficult for families to find closure if they can’t close the casket.

Against Tight Confinement:  Farmers in Ohio agreed to phase out tight confinement of livestock, underscoring the clout of the animal welfare movement.  One Ohio farmer is claiming, “hell, that ain’t tight confinement.  Tight confinement is watching your wife try and squeeze back into her prom dress ten years later.”

Australia  May Lift Gay Marriage Ban:  Two rival bills that would lift a ban on gay marriage in Australia have been introduced into Parliament weeks after the ruling Labor Party lifted its opposition to same-sex unions.  If the bills get passed, many gays are expected to go down-under.

Married Women Speak About Sex:  A new study says that while most married women claim that they value sex, two thirds say they would rather be doing something else, such as going to the spa, watching a movie, using Facebook or just chatting with friends.  Of course men enjoy all of those activities too, just as long as they lead to having sex.

Estrogen Changes Male Snakes Mating Habits:  Give a male garter snake estrogen and they soon begin attracting dozens of other males eager to mate.  While pointing out that they has always been a supporter of scientific research, JC Penny says it has no immediate plans to use any of the snakes in their ads.

Brockovich Investigates Mysterious Illness in NY:  Environmental activist Erin Brockovich has launched her own investigation into the mysterious illness causing Tourette-like symptoms such as facial tics and vulgar verbal outbursts among 15 teenagers in Le Roy, N.Y.  After visiting the area for the past month, Brockovich says she is very close to learning just what in the #$%& is wrong with these kids.

Madonna Not Happy With MIA’s Finger Gesture:  Madonna has taken to the airwaves to express her disappointment with M.I.A.’s decision to flip the bird at cameras during the Superbowl halftime show, calling the move a “teenager … irrelevant thing to do.”  Yea, because if there is anything that Madonna deplores, its a cheap publicity stunt.

Bacon-Flavored Milkshake:  Jack in the Box has just announced they will be offering a “bacon-flavored” milkshake.  No thanks, I’ll stick with the Banana-Boysenberry Jumbo Jack.

Future Weapons May Be Mentally Controlled:  British researchers say technological advances in neuroscience could allow future soldiers to control weapons systems simply by using their minds, thereby allowing paralyzed people to use weapons also.  Its comforting to know that no one’s gonna be left out on all the killing.

Defriending Leads to Murders:  Nashville police say a Tennessee couple who “defriended” a woman on Facebook were murdered in their home by the jilted woman’s father and another man.  My experience is the total opposite.  I get threats when I try to “friend” someone.

Walmart Pig Supplier Called Inhumane:  Legal action is underway following an undercover investigation by The Humane Society of the United States that has alleged inhumane treatment at a pig breeding facility linked to the nation’s largest grocer – Walmart.  Humane Society investigators say they were totally shocked to learn that the pigs were, in some instances, being treated almost as badly as Walmart employees get treated.  In their defense, Walmart claims they’d never treat pigs that badly.

Drew Barrymore to Scale Back on Acting:  Drew Barrymore tells People Magazine that she is planning on stepping back from her acting to focus on her new relationship.  Good luck with that.  Being in a new relationship is likely to require some of the best acting she’s ever done.

Greek Workers on Strike:  Greek workers have gone on strike to protest austerity measures imposed upon them in a bailout measure.  Unfortunately for striking Greek workers, there doesn’t seem to be an awful lot of difference in services from when they weren’t striking.

Intern Claims Affair with Kennedy:  Former Kennedy White House intern Mimi Alford is causing quite a stir with her tell-all book Once Upon a Secret: My Affair with President John F. Kennedy and Its Aftermath, which chronicles her 18-month affair with John F. Kennedy which began when she was just 19-years-old.  Really?  I would be more shocked if they were to find an attractive woman from that era who didn’t have an affair with Kennedy.

Women More Charitable:  According to a study conducted by the Center on Philanthropy at Indiana University, women at nearly every income level are significantly more charitable than men.  And I’m living proof of that.  Practically every woman who’s ever gone out with me would probably say that she was just being charitable.

Bacteria Programed to Act Like a Computer:  In what could completely change the nature of computing, scientists at UC San Francisco have programed bacteria to act and perform exactly like computers.  On the downside, you’ll need to go on antibiotics every time you finish using your computer.

Conservative Group Pressures JC Penny to Drop Degeneres:  After pressuring Susan G. Komen for the Cure to drop support for Planned Parenthood, “One Million Moms,” an ultra conservative offshoot of the American Family Association, has turned its sights on J.C. Penney because they object to the fact that an openly gay talk show host Ellen Degeneres is their new spokeswoman.  Though they may call themselves “One Million Moms, they really sound more like “one million meddlers.”  That said, if they really want to be thought of as mothers, I’m sure there are plenty of people out there who’d be more than willing to call them “a bunch of mothers.”

Caught Stealing Ice From Glacier:  A Chilean man is under arrest after being allegedly caught with over 11,000 pounds (five metric tons) of ice taken from Chile’s fast-shrinking glacier in a truck which was headed for the capital Santiago, where the ice would have been sold for use as ice cubes at upscale bars and restaurants.  When asked if that amount of ice is significant, Chilean officials said “lets put it this way, its more than enough ice to make Kate Winslet a little nervous.”

Obesity May Be Infectious:  We’ve heard obesity can be “spread” between friends when we copy each other’s eating habits, but a new study in mice suggests obesity could actually be infectious as in something you can catch.  So next time someone suggests that you’re putting on too much weight, just tell them that you caught it at work.

Opposes Child Labor Laws:  Rep. Denny Rehberg (R-Mont.) vowed to use his funding powers to stop the Obama administration from implementing new child-labor laws pertaining to agricultural work, accusing the “urban” Labor Department of meddling in a “rural” industry it doesn’t understand.  Between urban poor kids working as janitors for Newt Gingrich and rural children spending their days toiling out in the fields picking fruit, the Republicans really seem to have found the solution for putting America back to work again.

Breathalyzer Testers:  A law enforcement agency in Florida revealed that it paid 15 employees to get drunk to see if its breathalyzer tests worked.  Unfortunately, after arrests and fines for public intoxication, they still ended up about $345 in the hole.

Stolen Underwear:  Police say that a man in Thailand has been arrested with more than 10,000 pairs of stolen underwear.  A career criminal, so its unlikely he’ll change his ways, but you can be fairly certain he’ll change his underwear.

Theater Troupe Visits High Schools:  A Kaiser Permanente theater troupe is traveling around to high schools in the San Fernando Valley, California performing “What Goes Around,” a play about sexually transmitted diseases.  What a lovely idea for the theater.  And the musical score “I need a double shot because of my baby’s love” was just perfect.

Mexico Drought Hurting Marijuana Growers:  A Mexican army commander is reporting that the drought in northern Mexico is so bad that it has hurt even illicit drug growers and their normally well-tended crops of marijuana and opium poppies.  And who could be better than Willie Nelson to organize a “Farm Aid” to help these struggling farmers?

Kardashian Sisters Pose Topless for Sears’ Kardashian Collection:  The Kardashian sisters are posing topless for a denim line they are doing for Sears which they are calling “Our Kardashian Kollection.”  Gee, and I always thought that the “Kardashian Collection” was whatever NBA players the Kardashian’s happen to be doing at the time.

Pythons Wiping Out Everglades Mammals:  A new study is finding that a burgeoning population of huge pythons — many of them pets that were turned loose by their owners when they got too big — appears to be wiping out large numbers of raccoons, opossums, bobcats and other mammals in the Everglades.  Its really a damn shame that these pythons are wiping out those mammals instead of the morons who set them loose.  Now those are some of the mammals we can really do without.

Chef Dies After Eating Poisonous Mushrooms:  A chef and his assistant from China died after eating poisonous mushrooms in a meal that they had prepared for a private dinner at a restaurant in Australia’s capital.  Come on, anyone who’s ever read a Sherlock Holmes novel knows you’re not supposed to eat the poisoned food yourself.

Kodak Files for Bankruptcy:  News sources are reporting that Eastman Kodak has filed for bankruptcy protection after the film pioneer failed to raise fresh cash to fund a long-sputtering turnaround.  I’ll have more news about Kodak as soon as it develops.

Spas Give Back to Charity:  According to the International Spa Association, a whopping 85 percent of spas donate products and services while 69 percent host charitable events at their facilities.  That said, spas do have to be careful about which charities they support because they don’t want to rub anyone the wrong way.

Woman Sues Starwood Hotels:  A New York business woman is suing Starwood Hotels and Resorts Worldwide, claiming staff at one of their hotels gave her room key to a drunken man who allegedly sexually assaulted her while she was in bed.  Starwood counterclaims that they didn’t give her room key out to just anyone, pointing out that the drunken man they gave her key to happened to be the hotel general manager.

Gray Wolf Tracked In California:  Wildlife officials are using GPS to track what is believed to be the first gray wolf in California in decades, raising hopes that the endangered species may once again thrive there.  Wildlife officials say GPS tracking only became possible after the wolf was conned into signing up for a deeply-discounted yearly subscription to the OnStar System.

Gingrich to Colonize the Moon:  Republican Presidential candidate Newt Gingrich is saying that as president, he plans to colonize the moon by the end of his second term.  Makes good sense.  Lets face it, if Gingrich does become president, you can bet that the moon could start looking like not such a bad place to live after all.

Macy’s Sues Martha Stewart Living:  Macy’s Inc. has sued Martha Stewart Living in a bid to block a licensing deal between the housewares company and rival J.C. Penney Co.  Martha Stewart claims she’s just trying to make a living.

Upset With Miley Cyrus:  A conservative watchdog group calling itself “The Culture and Media Institute” dedicated to “preserve and help restore America’s culture, character, traditional values, and morals against the assault of the liberal media elite,” is going after singer Miley Cyrus for posing suggestively at her boyfriend Liam Hemsworth’s birthday party.  Institute members say the pictures were of such a despicable nature that they were forced to download them on their personal computers for further study and analysis.

Concerned About Aborted Fetuses Being Used as Food Flavoring:  While admitting that he isn’t aware of any examples of this phenomenon, Oklahoma Republican State Senator Ralph Shortey believes the potential is there for companies to use aborted human fetuses to enhance flavors in foods and has proposed a bill to outlaw such a practice.  Is it just me, or have people in the Republican party gone off their meds?  That said, when you think about it, an aborted fetus would probably still be less disgusting than much of what can found in the food Americans are eating these days.

Iran Confiscates Barbie Dolls:  Iranian police have confiscated Barbie dolls and shut down dozens of toy stores selling them according to the semi-official Mehr news agency, marking what an unnamed police official called a “new phase” in the country’s crackdown against “manifestations of Western culture.”  Funny how “manifestations of Western culture” such as Barbie Dolls offend them, but nuclear bombs don’t.

NASCAR Driver Tweets Breastfeeding is Disgusting:  NASCAR driver Kasey Kahne got a mouthful from upset fans after he Tweeted that he was disgusted by a mother breastfeeding her baby at a grocery store where he was shopping, saying the sight caused him to lose his appetite and his desire to continue shopping.  Let’s hope that the poor man never has to witness a mother changing her baby’s diaper.  He’d probably kill himself right on the spot.

Dentist Busted for Using Paper Clips:  A former Massachusetts dentist has pleaded guilty to fraud for using paper clips instead of stainless steel posts for root canals in an attempt to cut costs.  Patients say they became suspicious after noticing that nearly all of the dental equipment in the doctor’s office had “Staples” stamped on it.

Women Feel Pain More Intensely:  New data suggest that when a woman falls ill, her pain may very well be more intense than a man’s.  The study also concluded that when women are in pain, they also possess an uncanny ability to make anyone else who happens to be around them fully understand just exactly how intense their pain really is.

Plan to Pump Water into Volcanos to Make Power:  Geothermal energy developers plan to pump 24 million gallons of water into the side of a dormant volcano in central Oregon, hoping that the water comes back to the surface fast enough and hot enough to create cheap, clean electricity without shaking the earth and rattling the nerves of nearby residents.  Pumping millions of gallons of liquid into a dormant volcano?  What could possibly go wrong?

Woman With Two Vaginas Turns Down $1 Million Porn Offer:  A 27-year-old British woman named Hazel Jones, who was born with two vaginas, has turned down a $1 million offer from a US adult film production company to star in one of their porn films.  Ironically, this is probably the only person alive who could technically be a prostitute and a virgin at the same time.

Chuck Norris Endorses Newt Gingrich:  Actor and martial arts expert Chuck Norris endorsed Newt Gingrich for president, saying he believes that Gingrich can both “return America to her glory days” and “outwit” President Obama.  Gingrich thanked Norris and promised that if elected, he’s committed to having an “open government.”

Doctors Say is Sex OK for Most Heart Patients:  A leading doctors organization has determined that sex is safe for most heart patients, adding that if you’re healthy enough to walk up two flights of stairs without chest pain or gasping for breath, it is safe for you to have sex.  In response, the state of Nevada has decided to require all brothels to install two flights of stairs in order to insure the public safety.

Etta James Dies:  Etta James, the sultry, powerful blues, R&B and jazz singer who infused her work with a depth of emotion culled from hard-fought experience, has died in Riverside, California at age 73.  While her death has of course saddened her many fans, you can be pretty certain that her enemies are singing “At Last.”

Should Captains Be Expected to Go Down with the Ship?:  The Costa Concordia Tragedy has sparked debate among seafarers as well as the public at large as to whether its reasonable or even necessary to expect a captain to go down with the ship.  Critics warn that if this is the case, then girls all around the world will likely start calling their boyfriends “captain.”

Pinkberry Founder Arrested:  Pinkberry yogurt founder Young Lee has been arrested for allegedly attacking a homeless man with a tire iron last summer after Lee became outraged by the man’s sexually explicit tattoo.  This, from a guy whose company “Pinkberry” sounds more like a sexually-transmitted disease than a place to buy yogurt.

Captain Tripped Into Lifeboat:  The Italian newspaper La Repubblica is reporting that Francesco Schettino, captain of of the Costa Concordia, told an Italian judge that he didn’t abandon his ship, but that he and fellow officers “tripped and ended up in one of the lifeboats.”  I see, and Jerry Sandusky just stumbled in the shower.

Scientists Attempt Picture of Black Hole:  Scientists at a University of Arizona Conference are working on plans to snap a first-ever picture of the black hole at the center of our Milky Way galaxy.  One thing’s for sure, guess there’s no reason to waste money using color film.

Sumerian Beer Alcohol-Free:  A recent review of ancient Sumerian practices suggests that the fermented cereal beverage enjoyed by Sumerians, so-called Sumerian beer, may have actually been alcohol-free.  Researchers add that more testing is still needed on Sumerian Jack Daniels.

Beyonce Accused Of Skin Lightening:  Beyonce, the Grammy award-winning singer who just gave birth, is being slammed for looking too white in her new album promo ad, with some going so far as to accuse the singer of skin lightening.  And it probably doesn’t help that her newest album is entitled “Songs White People Like.”

Horsefly Named After Beyoncé:  Researchers in Australia have named a recently discovered horsefly after Beyoncé because it has golden hair on its butt.  That’s quite an honor to think that the hair on some horsefly’s ass reminds scientists of you.

Feds Bust Korean for Smuggling Erectile Dysfunction Meds:  Federal authorities at Los Angeles International Airport have arrested a South Korean traveler for attempting to smuggle $179,000 worth of a chemical used to treat erectile dysfunction.  If convicted, he’ll be facing some very stiff penalties.

Sheriff Deputy Busted for Smuggling:  A grand jury indictment accuses a Los Angeles County sheriff’s deputy of smuggling drugs hidden in a burrito into a courthouse lockup.  In perhaps even more disturbing news, Del Taco is being accused of trying to sneak some healthy ingredients into their Bacon Breakfast Burritos.

Oscars May Leave Kodak Theater:  After 10 years of hosting the Oscars, the Kodak Theatre may soon be out of the picture as the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts & Sciences is considering moving the Oscars the Nokia Theatre, a bigger venue in downtown Los Angeles which would allow twice the number of people to attend the event.  Hollywood insiders say the main drawback in moving from Kodak to Nokia is that only pictures taken with camera phones will be permitted.

Starbucks Prohibits Employee Jokes About Blonde Roast:  According to a Starbucks gossip site, employees are forbidden from telling jokes about the company’s new blonde roast coffee and will be issued a written offense if they do.  Wow, that’s pretty harsh.  Kind of makes you wonder what action they’ll have to take when they get around to bringing out their new “Charlie Sheen Roast” coffee?

Hostess Files for Bankruptcy Protection:  Hostess Brands, the maker of Twinkies, is seeking bankruptcy protection, blaming increased competition and tough economic conditions.  Company officials say sales would quickly spring back if people would just smoke more pot.

Weird Job Interview Questions:  The anonymous job site Glassdoor.com has posted a list of 25 “oddball questions” that interviewers ask potential employees at job interviews at 20 top companies including Amazon, Google, Disney Theme Parks, Trader Joe’s and Amazon such as “How would you cure world hunger?”  That’s a very difficult question to answer, but one possible solution might be for wealthy nations to consider dispensing massive amounts of low-cost diet pills and methamphetamines to the world’s hungry so they wouldn’t feel all that hungry anymore.

Internet Addicts Brains Similar to Alcoholics:  A new study published in Plos One, the Journal of the Public Library Science, determined that the brains of Internet addicts may undergo chemical changes similar to those of alcoholics and other drug addicts.  Researchers added that this is especially true for those who routinely surf the net drunk or while high on drugs.

New car Tech Rules CES:  The most striking innovation on display this week at the Consumer Electronics Show (CES), the world’s largest consumer tech tradeshow, came not from Silicon Valley, but from Detroit where auto makers continue to expand the capabilities of the car, going so far as to transform it from a vehicle to an entertainment hub.  I’m not so sure what’s so new about that.  After all, a car’s back seat has always kind of served as an “entertainment hub” for kids who don’t have the money for a motel room.

Lohan May Play Elizabeth Taylor:  After posing nude as Marilyn Monroe in Playboy, Lindsay Lohan is reportedly in talks to emulate another screen legend, Elizabeth Taylor, in a Lifetime original movie.  One thing’s for sure, they both share a strong admiration for fine jewelry.

Mount Etna Erupts:  Sicily’s Mount Etna, Europe’s highest active volcano, has erupted, spewing columns of hot gas and ash 16,000 feet into the sky.  Observers say they’ve never seen anything so explosive with the possible exception of Newt Gingrich and Rick Perry’s recent attacks on Mitt Romney.

Carbon Emissions Will Delay Next Ice Age:  A group of scientists are claiming that human emissions of carbon dioxide could likely delay the next Ice Age by another 1,000 years.  Just what we need, something else to further piss off all the mastodons.

WebMD CEO Resigns:  WebMD Health Corp. CEO Wayne T. Gattinella has announced that he has decided to resign.  WebMD vehemently denies the resignation is due to poor health.

Penny Sells for $1.38 Million:  A one cent copper coin from the earliest days of the US Mint back in 1793 has been sold to an unidentified buyer for a record $1.38 million at a Florida auction.  No wonder he declined to identify himself.  If I paid over a million dollars for one penny, I think that I’d want to remain anonymous also.

Faith-Based Tourism in Jersey:  New data shows that despite the nation’s economic downturn, New Jersey’s faith-based tourism is still going strong driving thousands to the state each year for retreats, revivals, conventions, concerts and ocean baptisms. Now I realize when people think of a spiritual place, New Jersey probably isn’t the first thing that comes to mind, but statistics show that New Jersey is really full of people who would be more than happy to send you along to meet your maker.

God Reveals Next President to Pat Robertson:  Christian conservative leader Pat Robertson says that God has told him who the next president of the United States will be, but he is not at liberty to reveal the name.  Really?  I’ve always wondered why God never gets around to revealing to Robertson’s poor followers exactly what a sleaze ball and con-artist Robertson really is.

Chaz Bono Saving Up for Penis Reconstruction Surgery:  According to Rolling Stone, Chaz Bono, the former Dancing With the Stars hoofer, who previously had a mastectomy to remove his breasts, is saving up to pay for his final gender reassignment surgery, in which doctors will construct a penis for him.  Seems to me that if someone was looking for the money to pay for a new penis, why not just apply for a loan at the sperm bank?

Actress Suing IMDb:  The mysterious actress suing IMDb for revealing her “real age” and “real Asian name” has been revealed as Huong Hoang, stage name Junie Hoang, a 40-year-old Vietnam-born Texan who claims that IMDb’s ruthless privacy invasion has jeopardized her career.  On a positive note, perhaps she can find some comfort in the fact that she basically has no career for IMDb to jeopardize.

Tiger’s Ex Buys – Then Bulldozes $12 Million Home:  Tiger Woods’ ex-wife Elin Nordegren bought a $12 million, six bedroom home in North Palm Beach, Fla., decided she didn’t like it and had the whole thing bulldozed down to rubble.  Wow!  Who would have thought that someone with all her money would end up homeless!

Copper Thieves Strike Again:  Across the country, copper thieves are leaving stretches of road dark by stealing the copper wiring from streetlights, this because of a nearly 50% increase in the value of copper over the past five years, making copper “an exceptionally attractive target” for thieves.  Its gotten so bad, someone tried to steal the copper out of my multi-vitamin supplements.  Fortunately, I caught them as they were scratching the copper listing off the packaging label.

Fish Labeling Rip-off:  Consumer Reports says that a mislabeling seafood scam is leaving millions of consumers ripped off and that 22% of the seafood tested at supermarkets, restaurants, fish markets, gourmet stores and big-box stores are not actually the type of fish that the consumer believed they were purchasing.  Perhaps even more alarming, further investigation revealed that many of these same stores have been selling rubber chickens which were only intended for use by comedians and not for human consumption.

Rental Car Agent Finds Body in Back Seat of Returned Car:  Los Angeles police say a car rental agency employee got a big surprise in a Jefferson Park alley when he went to retrieve a car and found a woman’s body in the back seat of the vehicle.  Angry car rental employees complained that dead bodies are supposed to be dropped off somewhere up on Mulholland Drive, not in the back seat of our cars.

Kim Jong Un Declared Supreme Leader:  North Korea’s power brokers publicly declared Kim Jong Un “Supreme Leader” for the first time at a massive public memorial for his father Kim Jong Il.  On a positive note, its encouraging to know that at least someone was able to find a job in this economy.

Man Tries to Use Million Dollar Bill at Walmart:  Police have arrested a 53-year-old North Carolina man after he attempted to pass a “million-dollar bill” at a local Walmart to pay for $476 worth of items.  The cashier told police that she just didn’t think it was likely the government would be printing currency with Bernie Madoff’s picture on it.

Body Found at Queen Elizabeth’s Estate:  British police are calling it murder after a woman’s body was discovered at the country estate where Queen Elizabeth and her family were spending the Christmas holidays in eastern England.  Police say about the only thing they can do in a case like this is arrest the butler and simply move on.

Bad Pot:  A southwestern Pennsylvania man called 911 to complain about how terrible the pot he bought was.  Police tested the substance and found it to be fake, but said the man may still be fined for possessing a counterfeit controlled substance.  Following that reasoning, if convicted, the only logical thing to do would be to pay the fine with counterfeit money.

Genetic Link:  Researchers in Denmark have completed the DNA sequences of the orangutan with the hope of finding out more information about humanity’s split from them.  Anthropologists say fortunately for humanity, we had them sign a prenup.

Attention Disorder Drugs in Short Supply:  The Food and Drug Administration is pointing a finger at the Drug Enforcement Administration after receiving complaints about drug shortages for attention deficit hyperactivity disorder.  Apparently DEA wasn’t paying all that much attention.

Doctors Without Borders Killing:  Its being reported that a disgruntled former employee has shot at least two international workers from the aid group “Doctors Without Borders” at the group’s office in the Somali capital.  Somali authorities say they are concerned that the assailant may have fled across the border.

Lone Gray Wolf Crosses Into California:  A lone gray wolf has wandered across the Oregon border into California in what environmentalists are hailing as the historic return of a species not seen in the state in more than 80 years.  Wildlife officials who observed the wolf say he appeared to be completely unconcerned about the fact that California has significantly higher state income and sales taxes than Oregon.

Man Killed by Train Can Be Held Liable:  Calling it a “tragically bizarre” case, a court ruled that a man who was hit and killed by a train at a Chicago Metra station can be held liable after part of his body struck and injured a female bystander.  Wow!  About the only thing I can think of that would be more bizarre than that would be if she had claimed she became pregnant by the ordeal.

Saudis Buy $30 Billion in US Jets:  The Obama administration announced that the U.S. will sell Saudi Arabia $30 billion worth of F-15 fighter jets.  No details as yet about what the jets will be used for, but I think you can pretty safely assume no women will be flying them.

Zuckerberg in Vietnam:  Vietnam may try to block its citizens from using Facebook, but that didn’t stop website founder Mark Zuckerberg from vacationing in the communist country over the holidays.  I had a lot of friends who got to “vacation” there back in the 60’s and 70’s.

Stranded Student Survives 10 days in Toyota Corolla:  Authorities say Lauren Elizabeth Weinberg, a 23-year-old Arizona State University student is lucky to be alive after being found along with her Toyota Corolla on a remote dirt road in northeastern Arizona after being stranded in the snow for 10 days.  A shaken Weinberg told rescuers that if she learned anything from her ordeal, its that if you’re gonna be stranded somewhere, it’s a lot better to be stranded in one of those great big, luxury cars.

Virginity Tests Banned:  An Egyptian court has decided to ban virginity tests for female detainees, months after women arrested at a rally in Tahrir Square alleged they were forced to take the virginity examinations.  To make matters worse, those who passed the examination were then were certified “ugly.”

Shopper Punches Elderly Walmart Greeter:  A woman is spending her Christmas in jail, accused of punching a 70-year-old Walmart greeter who asked to see her receipts as she left a Batavia, NY Walmart store Christmas Eve.  Wow!  Yet, another Christmas shopper goes nuts!  Its almost like who worries about Al-Qaeda anymore with all these insane Christmas shoppers running around?

Former NFL Players Sue League:  Nearly two-dozen former players are suing the NFL, accusing the league of deliberately omitting or concealing years of evidence linking concussions suffered on the playing field to long-term neurological problems such as severe and permanent brain damage.  The players are claiming that no one ever told them they were gonna be playing tackle football.

Iran to Execute Woman for Adultery:  Authorities in Iran say they are moving ahead with plans to execute a woman sentenced to be stoned to death for an adultery conviction.  This is in contrast to here in the west where most women who’ve committed adultery did so because they were stoned.

Cops Getting Sleepy:  A new study says that nearly a third of police officers may suffer from excessive sleepiness, which can have serious implications for broader job performance and safety.  How could that be?  Could Dunkin’ Donuts have somehow run out of coffee?

Earth Has Two Moons:  A group of scientists are claiming that the Earth currently has two moons, one is that waxing and waning nightlight we all know and love, the other is a tiny asteroid about the size of a Smart Car, making huge doughnuts around Earth for a while before it zips off into the distance.  Mysteriously, close observation from high-powered telescopes atop Mauna Kea, Hawaii indicates that the orbiting Smart Car-sized asteroid may in fact have New Jersey plates on it.

Stephen Hawking Urges Space Colonization:  Predicting that it will be difficult for Earth’s inhabitants to avoid disaster in the next hundred years, Stephen Hawking is urging the colonization of outer space as the key to the survival of humankind.  Wonder if that is what my ex-girlfriend was referring to when she told me “I need my space?”

Saudi Woman Executed for Sorcery:  Reports out of the Middle East say that Saudi authorities have just beheaded a woman who was convicted of practicing magic and sorcery.  I suppose it never occurred to the any of these religious zealots that if this woman was really able to cast spells like a sorcerer, wouldn’t she just turn all her executioners into frogs?

Many Fliers Refusing to Turn Off Electronic Gadgets:  Gadget-dependent fliers are turning a deaf ear to flight attendants’ instructions to turn off their electronic devices during takeoff and landing, despite decades of government warnings, a USA TODAY investigation shows.  I can relate.  I found myself totally unwilling to turn off my electric nose-hair trimmer during a recent flight to Portland.

Air Jordan Buyers Pepper Sprayed:  Police have come under criticism after using pepper spray to gain control of a crowd who were waiting in line to buy the new Air Jordan Concord XI sneakers in a suburb of Seattle.  Perhaps a foot spray would have been a better choice.

Disgraced Senator Larry Craig Now Lobbying for Coal Industry:  After having left Congress because of an embarrassing 2007 arrest for soliciting sex in an airport men’s room, former Sen. Larry Craig (R-Idaho) has quietly reemerged in Washington as a lobbyist working on behalf of the coal industry.  Unfortunately, every time Craig attempts to lobby former colleagues, they find themselves thinking “is that a lump of coal in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?”

Vanessa Bryant in Line for Windfall:  The LA Times is reporting that Vanessa Bryant may be in line to get at least $75 million in addition to support payments in her divorce from Laker star Kobe Bryant.  Because you’re sure gonna need support payments after bagging $75 million.

Two-Headed Baby Born in Brazil:  A Brazilian woman has given birth to a two-headed baby boy and doctors say the newborn and both heads appear to be in good health.  When reporters asked the parents what kind of life can the child expect to have, the parents responded that he should do well in life given the fact that he has a couple of good heads on his shoulders.

Eating Less Boosts Memory:  According to an Italian study, skipping dessert or having a light lunch could benefit more than just your waistline, with new evidence indicating that eating less may also help greatly improve your memory.  Unfortunately, the first thing most people seem to remember is how damn hungry they really are.

North Korean Leader Kim Jong II Dead:  North Korean state news media have announced that leader Kim Jong Il has died while taking a train ride.  He must have taken a “bullet train.”

Can’t Retire Until They’re Eighty:  According to a new national survey, more Americans say they probably won’t be able to retire until they’re in their 80‘s.  Of course they could retire if they really wanted to, they just wouldn’t be able to afford anything to eat or a place to sleep.

Infant’s Cry Boosts Male Testosterone:  Testosterone in men is often associated with sowing wild oats rather than taking care of babies, but a new study finds that in some situations, hearing an infant’s cry can actually boost this sex hormone in men.  No kidding, just take Roman Polanski for example.

Birds Mistake Walmart Parking Lot for Body of Water:  Thousands of migratory birds are dead or injured after they apparently mistook a Wal-Mart parking lot for a large body of water.  Wildlife officials say having the birds see all the shoppers leaving Walmart carrying bags full of swimming and fishing gear didn’t help matters either.

News Anchor Tells Listeners There’s No Santa:  Chicago news anchor Robin Robinson took quite a bit of heat after she announced during a nightly newscast that Santa Claus doesn’t exist during a segment about managing gift expectations of children.  Robinson’s agent defended the remark, pointing out Robinson has a “no Santa clause” in her contract.

Gay History Museum:  The city of San Francisco is celebrating the opening of the nation’s first “gay history museum.”  I have no idea what it’ll have in it, but you can pretty much assume the place will be well decorated.

Romney Tries to Make $10,000 Bet:  After the last Republican debate, Mitt Romney is taking a lot of slack for trying to make a $10,000 bet with Rick Perry.  In related news, Donald Trump says he’ll be handling any future bets candidates make through his casinos.

through its “Jobs for USA ” program.  Starbucks says the reason they’re hitting customers up is that no one working at Starbucks makes enough money to even buy our coffee, let alone to contribute to a charitable cause.

Denmark Imposes Fat Tax:  Denmark has imposed what is being called a “fat tax” on foods such as butter and oil as a way to curb unhealthy eating habits.  I guess they don’t want to be branded as a nation who devours lots of greasy, fattening foods like Danishes.

Cantaloupe Death Toll Rises:   The death toll for the listeria tainted cantaloupes continues to grow as the Centers for Disease Control is reporting that 209 people have been sickened and 21 killed by the outbreak, which has affected 23 states.  It makes you wonder just what does a guy need to do to get his hands on a couple of good cantaloupes these days?

Gonorrhea Rate Down:  A new government report says that gonorrhea has dipped to the lowest rate ever recorded, but warns that much more dangerous STD’s are on the rise.  Its almost enough to make you yearn for the good old days.

Two-Year Marriage Proposed:  With approximately half of marriages ending in divorce in the first two years, Mexico City’s assembly is proposing reforming the civil code so that couples could decide on the length of their marriage, with the minimum renewable contract being two years.  At the end of the two-years, each spouse will be given the option to renew the contract or trade their spouse for two minor league players or a first-round draft choice to be named at a later date.

Nobel Prize Winners:  Three people will be sharing the 2011 Nobel Prize in physics for their research on the expansion of the universe.  Coincidentally, the Nobel Prize awards $1.45 million to each recipient, which undoubtedly will also lead to the expansion of their wallets.

Germany to Prosecute Death-Camp Guards:  German authorities have reopened the case files on hundreds of former Nazi death-camp guards, who now can be charged under the precedent set by the conviction of John Demjanjuk.  Which is why I’ve always tried to convey to young job seekers that if the position you’re are applying for has the term “death-camp” anywhere in the job description, you’re probably better off to continue sleeping on your parent’s couch until something else comes along.

Scorsese Makes George Harrison Documentary:  Director Martin Scorsese has turned his lens on George Harrison, known as the “quiet Beatle,” in a new HBO documentary.  He died in 2001.  Guess that pretty much would make him “the quiet Beatle.”

New iPhone Announced:  Apple has announced the new iPhone 4S, which looks exactly like the iPhone 4, but with a faster processor, a better camera and a new voice-controlled assistant that lets you ask questions such as what’s the time or how’s the weather.  Wonder if it can answer why anyone would want to pay all that money to upgrade to basically the same phone?

Melting Icecaps:  Climate scientists say that the dramatic melting of the gigantic ice sheets could result in a sea level that could likely rise up by as much as three feet by the year 2100.  Well, at least its comforting to know that in the event that the ice does melt, the sea will be able to rise up to the occasion.

Drug Sales:  Financial analysts say that antipsychotic drugs are now the top-selling pharmaceuticals in America.  This, in contrast to the 60’s, when everyone was taking drugs trying to hallucinate.

Michelle Obama Shops at Target:  Michelle Obama was snapped at a Target store in Alexandria, Virginia, hidden beneath a Nike cap and sunglasses, the First Lady pushed her own cart around the store for approximately 30 minutes, and was recognized only by her cashier.  Her anonymity was broken after she asked if she could charge all purchases to future generations.

Nice People Easily Embarrassed:  People who are easily embarrassed were shown in several experiments to be more generous, trustworthy and desirable in social situations, according to a study in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.  Participants were not informed about the results of the study because researchers didn’t want to embarrass them. 

L Word Actress Removed for Excessive Kissing:  Actress Leisha Hailey, who starred in Showtime series The L Word, is claiming Southwest Airlines escorted her off a plane simply for being affectionate with her girlfriend Camila Grey.  The airline maintains they’ve always enforced a strict “no kissing on planes” policy of which there are no “Grey areas.”

Millionaire’s Son Hits Lottery:  The son of the multi-millionaire president of Marriott International Robert McCarthy has won a whooping $107 million in the Virginia lottery.  A jubilant McCarthy told friends that finally he’ll be able to afford a decent hotel whenever he goes on vacation.

Brain Movies:  U.S. researchers say functional magnetic resonance imaging (MRI) combined with powerful computational power is unlocking the visuals within people’s heads and capturing their internal brain “movies.”  And if Mark Zuckerberg has anything to do with it, they’ll all end up getting posted on Facebook.

New Facebook Changes:  The new changes recently announced by Mark Zuckerberg to Facebook have many questioning if the site is requesting too much personal information.  Zuckerberg has somehow managed to turn what used to be a cool place to communicate with your friends into something that feels more like being probed by your mother-in-law.

Exceeds Speed of Light:  European researchers say that they’ve discovered and clocked an oddball type of subatomic particle called a neutrino going faster than the 186,282 miles per second that has long been considered the cosmic speed limit, contradicting Einstein’s special theory of relativity.  I think this makes it pretty clear that Einstein’s time would have probably been much better spent finding a gel capable of making that hair of his lie down.

Cell Phone Found:  California Department of Corrections officials announced that they have found a contraband cell phone under murderer Charles Manson’s bunk during a routine inspection of his prison cell.  So what’s the problem?  After all, it is a “cell” phone.

Hitman Falls in Love with Target:  Brazilian police have taken into custody a hitman and a jealous housewife who allegedly paid the hitman $500 to kill a woman she suspected was having an affair with her husband, but was ultimately betrayed when the hitman fell in love with the target and the two faked her death by taking a picture of her covered with ketchup.  Police say this is yet another example of how spinning a big web lies will always ketchup to you.

Many Americans Say God’s Steering the Economy:  According to a national survey being conducted by Baylor, about one in five Americans feel that its really God who is steering economy.  The Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC) says if that is the case, prayers may have to be monitored in to prevent insider trading. 

Importance of the Internet:  According to a new report from Cisco, being connected to the internet is more important than friends or even dating for nearly half of all college students and young professionals.  I see their point.  Just try calling tech support if you’re experiencing difficulties with your friends or your dinner date.

Won’t Marry the Unemployed:  Three out of four American women recently surveyed say they would not wed someone without a job.  In related news, new data shows the number of US marriages have dropped by 75%.

Stressful Workplace:  According to the BMC Public Health study, people with high-stress jobs see their general practitioners 26 percent more and specialists 27 percent more than people in low-stress jobs.  Yea, that’s probably because people in “low-stress” jobs have no health insurance.

Eating Disorder on the Rise:  According to a new government report, that more and more people are being hospitalized with the eating disorder “pica,” where people consume non-edible items like hair, paper, dirt and feces.  Hell, that doesn’t sound like a disorder, it sounds more like the lunch truck that stops outside the shop where I get my car worked on.

Giant Snails Invade Florida:  Florida officials are on the hunt for giant 8-inch-long East African snails that have appeared in Miami-Dade County who eat 400 kinds of plants, can cause structural damage to plaster as well as carry a parasitic nematode that can cause meningitis.  Between all the escaped giant pythons and anacondas breeding and spreading throughout the state, add numerous alligator and shark attacks, and now giant snails that cause meningitis, its beginning to sound like tourists would be far safer visiting Jurassic Park.

Most Dangerous Celebrity on the Net:  German supermodel Heidi Klum has been crowned the “most dangerous celebrity” on the Internet by the security firm McAfee, which found that nearly one out of every 10 searches for the “Project Runway” host puts people at risk of ending up on rigged websites hiding harmful computer viruses.  To which Charlie Sheen responded “What’s the big deal?  Most of the girls I hang with are likely to give you things a whole lot worse than a computer virus.”

Bat Disease:  Scientists say they may finally have found a way to help the nation’s bats, which are being wiped out by a novel fungal disease.  Let’s hope it works.  Baseball would not be much of a game without bats.

Middle School Student Stabs 37 With Needle:  Puerto Rican officials report that a 14-year-old girl went on a playground rampage with a hypodermic needle, stabbing 37 classmates.  When finally apprehended, the girl claimed she was only pretending to be assisting Rick Perry with his vaccination effort.

Pat Robertson Says Its OK to Divorce a Spouse With Alzheimer’s: Religious broadcaster Pat Robertson told his “700 Club” viewers that divorcing a spouse with Alzheimer’s is justifiable because the disease is “a kind of death.”  Yea, especially if you’re married to someone like Pat Robertson.

Coyote Family Moves In:  LA County agricultural officials today were working to decide whether to set traps to remove a pack of coyotes who’ve moved into a burned-out home in Glendale, California — a measure the city’s mayor says she hopes will be avoided.  Perhaps an alternative to trapping them would be to have one of the big banks set the coyotes up in one of those variable-interest loan schemes and they’ll default and be facing eviction in no time at all.

Nun Accused of Embezzlement:  A 62-year-old nun who oversaw a college’s finances has been accused of embezzling more than $850,000 and spending it on herself.  Makes you wonder what the hell she was spending it on.  I think we can safely assume she wasn’t spending it on her wardrobe.

9/11 Anniversary:  Political observers say that now that we’ve reached the 10th anniversary of the 9/11 tragedy, there are still plenty of reminders that all is not totally harmonious in the world.  Scholars are quick to remind us that all one has to do is to watch an episode of “Keeping Up With the Kardashians” or “The Jerry Springer Show” to realize just how elusive the concept of peace and harmony really can be in today’s world.

Tiger Love Triangle:  Zoo officials say that female tiger has apparently killed her mate at a West Texas zoo in a rare attack that came after months of simmering jealousy in a feline love triangle.  Authorities say if the allegations are proven, the tiger could spend the rest of her life behind bars.

Missing Link:  Paleoanthropologists say that a fossil found in a South African cave could redefine human ancestry and may possibly prove to be the “missing link” between humans and our ape ancestors.  Scientists say the discovery means we may have to abandon the long-held assumption that any “missing link” would most likely resemble a NASCAR fan.

Seoul Plans Women-Only Subway Cars:  Seoul says it will soon implement women-only subway cars in an effort to combat groping and other offenses.  Or they could simply ban Arnold Schwarzenegger from riding their subway cars.

Smoking Risk: New research shows that cigarette smokers have a 68% higher risk of impotence. Now we know why people smoke after sex.

Careers in Homeland Security:  As the job market tightens for new college grads, many who majored in the new field of “Homeland Security” are having very little difficulty finding and keeping jobs.  Thank goodness for that.  It would be really discouraging if even Homeland Security jobs weren’t secure.

Trusting Your Neighbor:  A new study from the University of Missouri found an association between trusting one’s neighbors and better health.  Possible exceptions to that would be if your neighbors happen to be the Manson Family or Jeffrey Dahmer.

LA Earthquake:  The USGS is reporting that the San Fernando Valley area of Los Angeles had a 4.2 earthquake this afternoon.  My ex-girlfriend called me in a panic and asked if I had felt anything.  When I said no, she said that just further demonstrates how insensitive I am.

Earliest Signs of Advanced Tool Making:  A new geological study, being reported the journal Nature, showed that tools made by hominid Homo Erectus from a site near Lake Turkana in Kenya were made about 1.76 million years ago.  Ironically, these very same tools are still being advertised in the most recent Sears catalogue.

Child Brides:  Writing in the journal Pediatrics, researchers found that girls under 18 who get married are more likely to experience mental health problems, including depression, anxiety and bipolar disorders as well as become dependent on alcohol, drugs and nicotine.  Upon being informed of the study, Lindsay Lohan said she just shudders to think how chaotic her life could have been had she married so young.

Lower Minimum Wage:  Republican presidential candidate Michele Bachmann said she wouldn’t rule out changes to the federal minimum wage as a way to lower the cost of doing business and lure corporations back to the United States.  Bachmann added that if greedy American workers were willing to work for $3 a day like workers in Third World countries, perhaps some mega-conglomerate multi-national corporations would show a little interest in moving back to the US.

Match.com Must Screen Members:  A woman who was sexually assaulted by a man she met on Match.com has settled her lawsuit against the Internet dating service, with the website operators agreeing to screen members against state and federal sex-offender registries.  Match.com officials agreed to the screenings only after their initial offer to create a separate dating service exclusively for sex offenders was ruled by the court to be completely moronic.

Britney’s Dream Job:  In an interview with PopJustice.com, Britney Spears reveals that if she weren’t famous, she’d most likely be a teacher.  She also said that many extremely intelligent people have told her that if she weren’t so stupid, it would be less likely everyone would cringe every time she opens up her mouth.

A Planet Made of Diamonds:  Astronomers say they have discovered a planet about 4,000 light years away from Earth that they believe to be made almost entirely of diamonds.  Astronomers believe that the planet contains nearly enough diamonds to keep someone like a Kim Kardashian happy and content for several months.

Born Good at Math:  A new study confirms what many already believe, that some people are just born with an aptitude for math.  When asked just how many Americans are good at math, researchers said they couldn’t even begin to count how many there are.

Lifetime of Fighting:  New research suggests that if you are currently fighting a lot with your spouse, very little changes over the years and that you may anticipate a lifetime of fighting.  Some of the research team disagreed with the findings, but felt it just wasn’t worth fighting over.

Dogs Smell Cancer:  A new study has found that dogs can detect the smell of organic compounds in human breath samples that are linked to the presence of cancer in the human body.  So if your dog seems to feel compelled to fetch mints from the coffee table for you, perhaps a good time to think about seeing a doctor.

Living in Poverty:  US Census figures show that the number of people living in poverty in Hawaii has grown to 12.5%.  According to state officials, things have gotten so bad that many citizens have no idea where their next tan is coming from.

Rodney King Arrested:  Rodney King, became a symbol of police brutality and ultimately sparked the 1992 Los Angeles riots, has been arrested for driving under the influence.  When how it feels to be stopped by the police so often, King said “it just beats the hell out of me.”

Arizona State Senator Points Gun at Reporter:  A reporter for the Arizona Republic writes that Republican state senator Lori Klein pulled a loaded, raspberry-pink handgun from a special zippered case and aimed it straight at his chest during an interview.  Senator Klein claims that she only pulled out the gun after the reporter asked her a “loaded question.”

Giant Wombat:  Scientists in Australia have discovered the fossil of a giant wombat, which, at the size of a rhinoceros, would have been the largest marsupial to ever live.  Scientists say an animal this large would not have done well today because there simply is too much pressure on modern marsupials to stay thin.

Diet and Depression:  Researchers at University College London who studied the diets of British civil servants say a diet heavy in processed and fatty foods increases the risk of depression.  They’re probably depressed because they have to eat British food.

DEA Says No to Pot:  The DEA claims that marijuana has no accepted use for treating diseases and should remain classified as a dangerous drug in the same vain as heroin crack cocaine.  Critics counter that the DEA is an organization full of ignorant bullies and should be classified in the same vain as people who believe the moon landing was staged or those who have nothing better to do with their time than watch reality shows on TV.

Elderly Want More Sex:  A new study shows that more men are staying sexually active in their 70s, 80s and 90s, with more than 40% of those sexually active men saying that they wish they were having more sex.  The other 60% say they’d be content just to have regular bowel movements.

Vegetarians Deceived:  A British dating website called “Veggiedates” has been reprimanded by the British Advertising Authority for false advertising, claiming that the site used databases of numerous dating sites of which many were meat eaters.  Officials say imagine the horror of expecting a pleasant evening with a nice vegetarian girl, only to have Lady Gaga show up in a meat dress.

Its Twins:  According to a report in the LA Times, the 22-year-old wife of Mexico’s most wanted drug lord Joaquin Guzman has given birth to twin girls at a hospital in northern Los Angeles County.  The proud father boasted that the girls combined weight totaled nearly 9 kilos.

Planned Model Airplane Attack:  Rezwan Ferdaus, a 26-year-old Massachusetts man with a physics degree, has been arrested for plotting an attack on the Pentagon and the U.S. Capitol with a $6,500 remote-controlled model aircraft, which he planned to fill with C-4 plastic explosives.  Friends and neighbors expressed shock, pointing out that Ferdaus had always been a model citizen.

Stop the Conspiracy Theories:  In the latest issue of Al Qaeda’s English-language magazine “Inspire,” the terrorist group lashed out at Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad for indulging in the “ridiculous claim” that the American government and not Al Qaeda was responsible for the 9/11 attack on the United States.  I used to get that magazine, but it just got way too expensive.  Hell, a subscription to a publication like that could easily end up costing you an arm and a leg.

Unser Jr Arrested After Street Race:  Al Unser Jr, a two-time Indianapolis 500 winner, was arrested and charged with drunken and reckless driving for drag-racing in Albuquerque after police clocked him going over 100 miles per hour at three in the morning.  If he ends up losing his license, racing fans say it just wouldn’t seem the same to watch him sitting in the passenger seat while some shmuck, who happens to be in possession of a valid driver’s license, steers his car at the next Indy 500.

Deadly Cantaloupes:  Health officials are reporting that at least 16 people have died in what has been linked to some bad cantaloupes.  Now I realize that Nancy Grace’s wardrobe malfunction came as quite a shock to some, but to blame her for 16 deaths is a bit of a stretch.

SAT Cheaters:  Six high-school students on Long Island were arrested after being caught paying a 19-year-old college student between $1,500 and $2,500 to take the SATs for them.  I assume the price discrepancy is directly related to just how stupid the person who’s supposed to be taking the test really is.

Saudi Woman Arrested for Driving:  Revealing clear limits on how far the conservative Muslim land is actually willing to go in granting women greater rights, a female Saudi activist has been sentenced to ten lashes for defying the kingdom’s ban on women drivers.  This in stark contrast to here in America, where we simply give the finger to the drivers we think have no business behind the wheel.

Cellphones May Someday See Through Walls:  U.S. scientists say they’ve developed a controversial imaging chip that could turn cellphones into devices that could see through walls, wood, plastics, paper and other objects.  Peeping Toms are complaining that technology like this is taking all the fun out of everything.

Frozen Cows May Have to Be Exploded:  It may take explosives to dislodge a group of cows that wandered into an old ranger cabin high in the Rocky Mountains, then died and froze solid when they were unable to get back out of the cabin.  When asked if they’re upset about the cows destroying their cabin, the rangers said no, they have no beef with any of those cows.

Lindsay Lohan to Play Elizabeth Taylor:  Lifetime has confirmed that Lindsay Lohan will be taking on the role of Elizabeth Taylor in the biopic “Liz and Dick,” a TV movie that will focus on the star’s on-again, off-again romance with Richard Burton.  And like Liz, Lindsay seems to enjoy fine jewelry, she just doesn’t enjoy paying for it.

Wrong Stars in Sky Force Titanic 3D Scene Reshoot:  Director James Cameron was forced to reshoot part of his Titanic 3D film after astronomer Neil deGrasse Tyson complained that the stars were in the wrong place as the ship sank.  Turns out that the stars he featured in that scene from the original film would have had the Titanic sinking in a corn field about 18 miles south of Des Moines.

Polar Bears Not Descended From Brown Bears:  After analyzing DNA samples from the two species, scientists have concluded that polar bears are not directly related to brown bears.  Scientists say that more or less explains the cold reception the brown bears get every time they come to visit over the holidays.

Titanosaur Found in Montana:  Paleontologists report the discovery of a new “titanosaur” dinosaur in Montana, one of the biggest creatures ever to walk the Earth.  Paleontologists speculate that the titanosaur was so huge, it may very well have been a 44-EEE.

Vatican Orders Crackdown on American Nuns:  The Vatican has launched a crackdown on the umbrella group that represents most of America’s 55,000 Catholic nuns, saying that the group was not speaking out strongly enough against abortion, gay marriage and women’s ordination and focusing too much on poverty and economic injustice.  The Vatican claims the crackdown is necessary in order to prevent elements within the church who seem to be hell-bent on bringing Catholicism into the 21st Century.

Manhattan Project Scientist Dies at 92:  Chemist George Cowan, one of the most influential scientists working on the Manhattan Project during World War II, has passed away at age 92.  He did a pretty good job.  Manhattan turned out to be a really popular place to live.

Secret Service Investigated:  The Secret Service is investigating allegations that 11 agents on President Barack Obama’s security detail to Colombia may have brought prostitutes back to their hotel rooms.  Apparently the hookers were providing a “secret service” for our Secret Service.

Learning Leads To Happiness:  New data indicate that your mind may be the closest thing to the Holy Grail of longevity and happiness as studies are showing that people who are intensely engaged in doing and learning new things have a greatly enhanced sense of well-being.  I believe it!  A friend of mine is learning how to pull off identity theft and he seems to be pretty happy with things so far.

KFC Thailand Tells Quake-Rattled Customers To Stock Up On Fried Chicken:  After a powerful earthquake and a series of strong aftershocks struck off the coast of northern Indonesia yesterday, KFC Thailand told its Facebook followers that they had better stock up on fried chicken in lieu of a possible tsunami.  Pretty sad when you think about it.  I mean if the tsunami doesn’t get them, then heart disease will.

Twinkies Maker Hostess Makes Final Offer:  Hostess says it’s making a final offer to workers to accept cost-cutting before it asks a bankruptcy court to impose the cuts.  Smart move on the part of Hostess.  If they can cut their pay enough, about the only thing those employees will be able to afford to eat will be Twinkies.

Aging Male Giraffes Go Black, Not Gray:  New research suggests that male giraffes become more illustrious over time, but rather than going silver or gray as they age like a Sean Connery or a George Clooney, the long-necked mammals go black.  Well, I guess that’s something they have in common with the Kardashians.

Baboons Recognize Written Word:  A new study which may help scientists explain how reading evolved, found that baboons can learn to recognize writing on a computer screen.  What’s the big deal?  I have Facebook friends who can do that.

Newark Mayor Saves Woman From Burning Building:  Newark’s Mayor Cory Booker became a hero and a Twitter star after he rescued his neighbor from a burning house.  When asked about the rescue, Booker said he’s just grateful it wasn’t Gov. Chris Christie who needed to be carried out of the house.

North Korea Rocket Launch Fails:  North Korea’s much-anticipated rocket launch ended quickly in failure, splintering into pieces over the Yellow Sea shortly after takeoff.  You can bet that there was a “yellow sea” running down the scientists pant legs after they realized that their mission failed.

Postal Losses:  The U.S. Postal Service announced that they have lost 8.5 billion this past year.  Analysts are now trying to determine if the 8.5 billion figure was dollars or pieces of mail.

Charities Feeling a Financial Pinch:  Charities report that they are seeing significantly more demand for their services, while at the same time donations are way down due to the economy doing so poorly.  The Salvation Army claims things have gotten so bad, they can no longer afford to offer salvation with their Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners anymore.

Ancient Winery:  A UCLA-led team has discovered a 6000-year-old winery in an Armenian cave.  In related news, Trader Joe’s announced the wine will go on sale for $8.99 a bottle later this week.

Must Keep Working:  A study of 10,000 U.S. workers’ investment accounts shows the effects of the recession may force those who want to retire comfortably to stay on the job for at least two years longer than planned.  My question is, stay on what job?

 

San Francisco Birth Rate Declines:  Sociologists say San Francisco’s birth rate is projected to decline sharply in the next decade.  Frankly, I’m a little surprised that San Francisco even has a birth rate.

 

Coffee and Exercise Reduce Skin Cancer Risk:  According to preliminary research with mice, a combination of caffeine and exercise may help to reduce the risk of skin cancer caused by sun exposure.  In response, medical professionals are urging Starbucks to replace all the chairs and tables in their cafes with exercise equipment.

 

Katy Perry Tired of Being Famous:  Katy Perry told Teen Vogue that she is tired of being famous, pointing out that fame can really age you.  No kidding!  And she has the blue hair to prove it.  A nursing home can’t be too far down the road.

 

Pythons Now Attacking Birds in Florida:  After destroying the mammal populations in the Florida Everglades, 16-foot-long pythons have turned to attacking birds, even going so far as eating the eggs right out of the bird’s nests to feed their colossal hunger.  On the other hand, guess you can’t really blame the pythons for wanting their eggs to be fresh.

 

Green Tea Could Cloud Olympic Doping Tests:  Olympic doping officials are considering whether to tweak their steroid tests after a recent British study indicated that green tea might hide testosterone from the standard test used to spot it.  In related news, Gold’s Gym just announced that they will be adding “tea rooms” at all their gym facilities.

 

Court OK’s Strip-Searches for Minor Offenses:  The Supreme Court has ruled 5-4 that people arrested for any offense at all may be strip-searched before going to jail.  In writing for the majority, Justice Roberts admitted that while the law will do very little to aid in catching dangerous criminals, nothing could do more to insure that the general public will be putting on clean underwear every day.

 

Alec Baldwin Engaged:  Actor Alec Baldwin of 30-Rock, who just turned 54, is now engaged after popping the question to 28-year-old yoga instructor Hilaria Thomas.  I can see where marrying a yoga instructor has its advantages, but frankly, if I was gonna go that route, I’d think I’d marry a gymnast instead.

 

Gallagher to Retire After Heart Attacks:  After suffering two heart attacks in less than a week, comedian Gallagher, a prop comic known for smashing watermelons as part of his act, announced that he is retiring.  We can only hope that the serious health issues Gallagher is facing will should serve as a warning for other entertainers hell-bent on destroying fruits and vegetables such as the Smashing Pumpkins.  

 

Antarctica Ice Sheets Cracking:  A new study finds that the floating ice shelves of West Antarctica are cracking rapidly and losing their grip on the rocky bay walls that slow their flow, threatening to speed up the flow of ice from land to sea.  Scientists are warning that the Antarctica ice sheet appears to be cracking up faster than a JetBlue pilot on a flight from New York to Las Vegas.

 

LA Area Now Most Densely Populated City:  Newly released U.S. Census figures say that the Los Angeles-Long Beach-Anaheim area is now the most densely populated area in the country.  I don’t think its fair to say that all of LA is totally dense, when its really just the people who live in the Valley.

 

Giant Solar Tornados on the Sun’s Surface:  For the first time, huge solar tornadoes have been filmed swirling deep inside the solar corona — the sun’s superheated atmosphere that may also trigger violent magnetic eruptions.  Scientists say these giant solar tornados make it even more unlikely that mobile home communities exist on the surface of the sun.

 

Formation of Organic Matter:  A new computer model shows that the organic molecules that were the building blocks for life on Earth could have formed in the dusty disk that surrounded our sun before the solar system had planets.  Yea, well I suspect there may be organisms growing out of the dust in the deepest corners of my closet, but then again, I’m no scientist.

 

Speed Dating Group Shut Down:  Los Angeles County Sheriff’s Deputies have closed down the offices of a popular speed dating organization in West Los Angeles after it was determined that members were using methamphetamines.

 

JetBlue Pilot Goes Bonkers:  A JetBlue flight bound for Las Vegas was diverted to Texas following what federal authorities described as erratic behavior by the captain, who passengers said had to be restrained after he began pounding on the locked cockpit door trying to get in.  Passengers say the pilot’s behavior was so bizarre that even the terrorists aboard the flight were frightened.

 

Giant Gambian Rats Invade Florida:  A breed of giant, 9-pound Gambian rats native to Africa, have been rapidly reproducing in the Florida Keys, despite a decade-long effort to wipe them out after a local exotic animal breeder released eight rats into the wild back in 1999.  Between the 9-pound rats, Asian swamp eels, walking catfish and huge pythons roaming around the Everglades, many people are beginning to wonder whether they’re vacationing in Florida or Jurassic Park.

 

Ex-Tomato Executive Pleads Guilty:  Frederick Scott Salyer, a member of one of California’s best known farming families and the founder of SK Foods has pleaded guilty to a scheme to inflate tomato product prices.  After passing sentence, the judge asked Salyer “so how do you like them apples?”

 

Supermarket Chains Dropping Pink Slime:  At least three national supermarket chains have decided to stop buying ground beef that contains the filler popularly known as “pink slime.”  The Supermarket chains do point out, however, that while the “pink slime” has been discontinued, it will still be available for purchase in the more masculine colors.

Starbucks Offering Beer and Wine:  Calling it Calabasas a place where a customer can unwind and share a glass, a cup of coffee and a small plate of food after a hard day of shopping, Starbucks has picked tony Calabasas for its second Southern California store to offer upscale fare of beer, wine and finger foods.  While Starbucks may be calling them “finger foods,” you can bet you’ll pay an arm and a leg for them.

 

Dick Cheney Gets Heart Transplant:  After waiting 20 months for a matching donor, former Vice President Dick Cheney is reportedly resting comfortably at a Virginia hospital after heart transplant surgery.  Sounds like sending out all of those hunting trip invitations finally paid off.

 

People Lie Less on LinkedIn Resumes:  A new study says people are less likely to lie about big things on resumes they post on the professional network LinkedIn compared with traditional resumes.  True!  Why lie when you know that no one ever really reads anything posted on LinkedIn anyway?

 

Woman Falls Off Pier While Texting:  The ABC news affiliate in South Bend, Indiana, is reporting that a woman fell off a pier and into a river connected to Lake Michigan while she was attempting to walk and send text a message to correct an appointment time.  I assume the text read something like “I seem to be into something way over my head, will be late.”

 

Shirtless Rick Santorum Photo:  A photo taken by a tourist in Puerto Rico of a shirtless Rick Santorum lounging in a pool is circulating on the Internet.  When asked about the photo, Santorum remarked that if this is what it takes to discourage our young people from having sex, then I’ve done my job.

 

Unhappy About Sex:  A new study says that baby boomers are the group who are most unhappy about their sex lives.  Come on, what do you expect?  For the most part, they’re all pretty much stuck having sex with fifty and sixty-year-olds.

 

Photos Surface of Trump Sons Africa Big-Game Hunting:  Grisly photos have surfaced of Donald Trump’s millionaire sons smiling broadly next to the dead carcasses of wild animals that they shot while on a big game hunt in Africa, including one photo of 34-year-old Don holding the sawed off tail of an elephant and the knife that cut it off.  In response to criticism, the sons are claiming that those aren’t really dead animal carcasses in the pics, but actually their father’s hairpiece.

 

Robert Bales Had ‘Sunny’ Disposition:  Army Staff Sgt. Robert Bales, the U.S. soldier suspected of killing 16 Afghan civilians in a shooting rampage, reportedly had an excellent military record and is described by friends and family as an upbeat person with a “sunny disposition.”  That may be the case, but frankly, I never run into anyone any of these people consider “dark.”

 

McDonald’s Apologizes for Selling Expired Chicken:  Fast food mega-chain McDonald’s Corp issued an apology  after being accused by state-owned China Central Television of selling expired chicken products.  On the other hand, I guess its better that McDonald’s is selling chickens who have expired as opposed to chickens that are still alive.

 

Santorum Declares War On Porn:  The Daily Beast is reporting that Rick Santorum wants the US to go to war against porn, declaring that “the pandemic of pornography” is at the heart of what is really destroying America.  And here all this time everyone was focusing on silly concerns such as the unemployment rate, rising gas prices and the national debt – when the real culprit is something that was (quite literally for some of us) right before our eyes – pornography.

 

Comedian Gallagher Suffers Heart Attack:  The comedian Gallagher, best known for smashing watermelons with a sledgehammer, is recovering after suffering a heart attack in a North Dallas bar.  Apparently it wasn’t just watermelons that were getting smashed.

 

Groups Argue Lead Ammo Should Be Regulated:  A group of 100 environmental organizations has petitioned the Environmental Protection Agency to regulate lead in ammunition as a toxic substance, pointing out that lead exposure from eating something that was shot with a lead bullet can lead to crippled motor coordination, severe digestive problems as well as blindness and death.  After reviewing all the EPA data, police are now advising anyone who happens to shoot a burglar – to refrain from eating them afterwards.

 

What Should Happen to Our Facebook Account When We Die:  Lawmakers and attorneys in at least two U.S. states are considering proposals that would require Facebook and other social networks to grant access to a loved one’s account when a family member dies, essentially making the site’s contents part of a person’s “digital estate.”  Of course about the only “digital estate” that any of my sleazy friends would leave behind would basically consist of the porn collection that they downloaded off the net.

 

Hiker Missing for Month Found with Her Cat in New Mexico Forest:  Rescue workers say a 41-year-old woman who has a history of mental illness and her cat have survived 3 1/2 weeks in an isolated and rugged region of a southwestern New Mexico national forest, even though temperatures dropped below freezing almost every night.  So the lesson here is, if you ever go hiking in the forest with your cat, its probably a good idea to be mentally ill.

 

New Species Found in New York City:  A new species of leopard frog — as yet unnamed — has been identified in New York City and a number of surrounding counties.  And I suspect that this will not be the last unidentified creature that’s ever found crawling around in New York City.

 

Nationwide Thefts of Tide Detergent Reported:  Authorities nationwide are reporting a huge spike in thefts of Tide detergent which are then sold on the black market, with thefts getting so bad in some cities that police have even set up task forces to track the number of Tide bottles in stores.  Police say the criminals are obviously laundering the money, but expressed hope that some of them will eventually come clean.

 

Walking Speed:  New research shows one simple indicator of well-being and longevity among older people is their walking speed, with faster walking associated with longer life.  Forget walking, most of us would be happy if we could just get them to drive a little faster.

 

Dangers of Red Meat:  A long-term study that examined the eating habits and health of more than 110,000 adults for more than 20 years found that eating red meat — any amount and any type — appears to significantly increase the risk of premature death, according to a long-range study.  Critics say that studies like these are likely to provide red meat for vegetarians and their allies.

Facebook ‘Friend’ Offer Exposes Man’s Wife:  Corrections officer Alan L. O’Neill is being slapped with bigamy charges after Facebook’s automatic efforts to connect users through “friends” they may know recently led two Washington state women to find out they were married to the same man, at the same time.  So, I’m guessing that even with Facebook’s recommendation, we can safely assume that the three of them didn’t all end up becoming the best of “friends.”

Benefits of Alcohol for Women:  Time is reporting that a decades-long study of 84,000 women has found that ladies who drink alcohol on a light to moderate basis have a reduced risk of stroke.  Ironically, a related study found that women who are moderate to heavy drinkers have a significantly reduced risk of celibacy.

 

Dick Van Dyke Marries:  Website RumorFix is reporting that Mary Poppins star Dick Van Dyke, 86, married his 40-year-old makeup artist on Leap Day.  Apparently she was so good at doing his makeup that she was able to forget how old he really is.  By the way, this might be a good time to invest in Pfizer stocks, because I sense this marriage is gonna send Viagra sales through the roof.

 

Teacher Moonlights as Porn Actress:  Oxnard, California school district officials say a junior high school teacher was put on paid administrative leave this week after allegations surfaced that she was moonlighting as a porn actress.  Of course the teenage boys in her class think its awesome that she’s on paid administrative leave, because it will give her time to make more porn films.

 

More People Becoming Overwhelmed by Passwords:  Analysts say that as passwords and security questions multiply, so does the potential for things to go wrong, with the possibility of people actually becoming locked out of their own life.  Of course there’s always people like Charlie Sheen who would probably be much better off if he became locked out of his own life.

 

Hate Groups On the Rise:  Fed in part by a dislike of President Obama, the number of hate groups operating in the United States is continuing to rise, according to the Southern Poverty Law Center, which has tracked such groups for 30 years.  And for those who are full of hate, but just can’t seem to figure out which group to join, there’s always the new social network called “Hatebook.”  Of course the irony is that anyone who really hates these groups, may actually be qualified to join one.

 

Porn Ordinance in Effect Today:  A Los Angeles city ordinance that requires the use of condoms on adult film shoots goes has now gone into effect, but health advocates remain skeptical on how the law will be enforced.  That really shouldn’t be a major problem considering 10,000 city workers have already volunteered to monitor any filming.

 

Pat Robertson Says Tornados Could Have Been Stopped:  Televangelist Pat Robertson told viewers of “The 700 Club” that the recent devastating tornados that ripped through the Midwest could have been stopped had people only prayed more.  Really?  Well I’ve been praying that one day Pat Robertson will learn to keep his big mouth shut.

 

Orangutans to Get iPads:  As strange as it may sound, orangutans across the world may soon join the ranks of millions of humans as proud owners of new iPads, as a conservation group is testing its “Apps for Apes” program, allowing orangutans to communicate with each other remotely via the iPad’s video chat technology.  Of course Apple’s biggest challenge isn’t about designing a device or apps that these apes can use and understand, its more about where in the hell are they gonna find somebody who can provide tech support?

 

Seafaring Neanderthals:  Researchers in Greece are claiming that Neanderthals may have taken to the seas of the Mediterranean to become ancient mariners centuries before modern humans did so.  Yea, and apparently one of them must have been piloting the Costa Concordia last January when it slammed into that reef off Tuscany.

 

CVS Mistakenly Gives Kids Breast Cancer Drugs:  CVS is trying to figure out how kids in as many as 50 families in Chatham, New Jersey were mistakenly given breast cancer medication instead of a chewable fluoride tablets.  The drug company is conceding that its idea to come out with a fruit-flavored, chewable breast cancer drug was probably not the smartest idea.

 

Sandra Fluke May Sue Limbaugh:  Georgetown University law student Sandra Fluke told The Daily Beast that she may sue conservative commentator Rush Limbaugh over referring to her as a “slut” and a “prostitute” after she testified that health insurance companies should be required to cover contraception.  I guess from that we can pretty much assume that Limbaugh isn’t likely to be one of those who will benefit if she does eventually end up getting her contraceptives.

 

Megan Fox Having Tattoos Removed:  Actress Megan Fox struggled to sit through her first tattoo removal procedure to erase a Marilyn Monroe tattoo telling Jay Leno that the laser sessions are “incredibly painful.”  I can only wish I was in a position where I could feel her pain.

 

The Science Guy Sues Ex-Girlfriend for $57,000:  Bill Nye, the Science Guy, is caught up in a bit of legal drama -suing his ex-girlfriend Blair Tindall for $57,000 in attorney fees he ran up to prevent her from stalking him.  Not surprisingly, Nye’s friends claim that Tindall has her stalking skills down to a science.

 

Academy Award Winning Actor Stopped for Speeding:  Its being reported that Jean Dujardin, who won the Oscar for best actor in the film “The Artist, has been cited by the California Highway Patrol for speeding.  The CHP officer immediately told Dujardin of his Miranda rights, informing him that he has the right to remain silent.

 

Study Claims Hawaii Has the Best Quality of Life:  A new report found that Hawaii has the best quality of life of any state in the U.S.  Yea, just as long as you’re one of those types who enjoy perfect weather, beautiful beaches, magnificent mountains ranges and clean, fresh air.

 

Help for Addicts:  A new study reports that an epilepsy drug may help addicts kick the cocaine habit.  This gives new meaning to the term “kicking the habit.”

 

Reported Monster Scaring Namibia Residents:  Villagers in northern Namibia claim they are  being terrorized by a bizarre white, dog-pig hybrid creature with a doglike head as well as the broad, round, nearly hairless back and shoulders of a giant pig.  Skeptics say villagers have just been watching too many Newt Gingrich political ads.

 

Genetically Engineered Salmon Coming:  The FDA is on the brink of approving salmon for human consumption that are genetically engineered to produce growth hormones year-round that cause the fish to grow at twice the normal rate.  In fact, this salmon grows so fast that all you have to take one tiny, little bite and by the time it hits your stomach, its actually grown so much that you feel completely stuffed.

 

Coal Miners on Drugs:  A state attorney told lawmakers that more than 1,500 coal miners have tested positive for drug use since Kentucky began screenings six years ago.  Gee, its really difficult to imagine how someone who works down a dark, cold and damp, dirty mine shaft full of coal dust – thousands of feet underground, hour after endless hour – could ever consider using drugs.

 

Crocodile Bites Off Man’s Testicle:  A 70-year-old man from Zimbabwe narrowly escaped a crocodile attack as he crossed the Chivake River with his pants off — but he lost part of his testicles in the melee.  Crossing a crocodile-infested river with no pants on?  It really takes some balls to do that!

 

Colonoscopy Screening Works:  A new study published in the New England Journal of Medicine provides what independent researchers call the best evidence yet that colonoscopy prevents deaths.  Not to mention that its also quite fun for everyone involved.

 

Global Warming Shrinks Mammals:  An ancient global warming event shrunk the earliest horses down to the size of scrawny housecats, according to new research that could have implications for how small mammals might become in a future warming world.  If that’s the case, its kind of a shame that Gary Coleman died before he might have had the opportunity to play in the NBA.

 

Test Tube Meat:  Dutch scientists say the world’s first test-tube meat, a hamburger made from cow stem cells, will be available in markets sometime later this year.  In related news, the Netherlands is reporting a huge increase in people who say they’ve decided to become vegetarians.

 

Lab-Grown Hamburger:  The quest to grow meat in a lab rather than on an animal is due to reach its climax this fall, with the first-ever culture-dish hamburger served to a celebrity taster after a $330,000 development effort.  Interesting, but still they’ve got a long way to go to compete with some of the things I have growing in my refrigerator.

 

Starbucks Boycott is Fought:  Gun-rights backers plan to buy lots of coffee at Starbucks to counter a boycott by the National Gun Victims Council who are angry that Starbucks openly allows people to carry guns into its stores in states where that is permitted.  I confess that I recently considered pulling out a gun to force my way to the front of a huge line waiting for restroom at Starbucks.

 

Mormons Still Baptizing Dead Jews:  The Church of Latter-day Saints has apologized for posthumously baptizing dead Jews and despite more than two decades of negotiations and agreements to prevent such baptisms, the practice persists.  Which leads me to think that perhaps Mormons may have way too much time on their hands.

 

Gingrich Favorability Drops:  A new poll determined that 63% of Americans have an unfavorable impression of Newt Gingrich. Yea, and that’s just his ex-wives.

 

Fake Cancer Drug Hits US Market:  The pharmaceutical company Roche is telling hospitals that there’s a fake version of its cancer drug Avastin now floating around American markets.  Manufacturers of the counterfeit Avastin argue there’s no reason why vitamin supplement companies should have a monopoly on fake cancer cures, adding that there’s really no harm in taking the drug, just as long as you don’t really have cancer.  

 

Lead Found in Most Lipsticks:  The Campaign for Safe Cosmetics, which did an analysis of lead study in lipstick which was conducted by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration, wants consumers to know that most of the 400 different lipsticks tested positive for lead.  I’m guessing that the weight of all that lead is what accounts for those pouty lips.

 

Bachmann Won’t Do DWTS:  Despite having won a 10th-grade polka competition and confessing to a “lifelong love of ballroom dancing,” Michele Bachmann is calling the recent rumors of her appearing on “Dancing With the Stars” completely false.  Funny, because she doesn’t seem to have any issues at all about dancing with the facts.

 

Women Gets Degree at 94: A 94-year-old woman has just graduated from Mills Collage, a liberal arts college in Oakland.  Liberal Arts?  Just what kind of career does she expect to have after a liberal Arts education?

 

Cell Phone Found:  California Department of Corrections officials announced that they have found a contraband cell phone under murderer Charles Manson’s bunk during a routine inspection of his prison cell.  So what’s the problem?  After all, it is a “cell” phone.

 

Kodak Theater Name Change:  Hollywood’s Kodak Theater may soon have a name change as financially troubled Eastman Kodak wants to get out of its naming rights contract.  It will now be known as “The Theater – Formerly Known as Kodak.”

 

Desert Solar Project in Trouble:  One of California’s showcase solar projects, under construction in the desert east of LA, is being threatened by an out break of “distemper” among local foxes who were cleared out of the area for the project.  Project supporters say a few foxes with distemper is no reason to halt the project and that the foxes simply need to learn control their anger.

 

New Alzheimer’s Finding:  New research indicates that “floating clumps of protein” in the brain and not “sticky plaques,” may actually be behind Alzheimer’s disease.  Either that, or researchers may have just been on a bad acid trip.

 

Largest Methamphetamine Seizure Ever:  Mexican authorities announced their largest methamphetamine seizure ever – 15 tons, found in pure powder form at a ranch outside Guadalajara.  Mexican officials say if that much meth got into Mexican society, it would pretty much mean the end of the beloved siesta.

 

Judge Dismisses PETA ‘Slavery’ Suit Over SeaWorld Orcas:  Saying that the anti-slavery 13th Amendment applies only to humans, a federal judge dismissed a landmark lawsuit that sought to extend constitutional protections to the famous killer whales that perform at SeaWorld.  The judge did rule, however, that any performing Orcas must immediately be given their SAG cards.

 

Catholics Forced to Provide Birth Control:  The Obama administration is being slammed for a health insurance rule that forces Catholic organizations to provide contraception.  Sounds like the Catholics are getting screwed and they need protection.

 

McDonald’s Pulls Pit Bull Ad:  McDonald’s has had to apologize and pull an ad that claimed eating a Chicken McBite was less risky than shaving your head, naming your son Sue, giving friends your Facebook password or petting a stray pit bull, which enraged pit bull owners and their supporters.  Yea, all you have to do is ask yourself what’s really more dangerous, pit bulls or McDonald’s food – and pit bulls come out smelling like a rose!

 

Britain’s Queen Elizabeth II Diamond Jubilee:  The British are preparing to celebrate Queen Elizabeth II’s Diamond Jubilee, marking her 60 years of sitting on the throne.  Now everyone knows that British food isn’t all that palatable, but having to spend the last 60 years sitting on the pot just seems a little over the top.  One can only hope she had something interesting to read.

 

Earth-Sized Planets Discovered:  Astronomers from NASA’s Kepler spacecraft announced that they have discovered a pair of Earth-sized planets orbiting a distant star.  Giddy astronomers say they’ve looked at a lot of stars, but this one really has quite a pair.

 

Virginia Set to Drop Handgun Limit:  Handgun buyers in Virginia may soon be able to purchase more than one gun a month in the state under a new law purposed by Republicans that would lift the 19-year-old limit of one gun purchase per month.  Because how is someone supposed to protect themselves on just 12 guns a year?

 

Schwarzenegger Finds Taj Mahal Closed:  A disappointed Arnold Schwarzenegger paid a visit to the Taj Mahal while in India, only to find that it was closed on that day.  After hearing about the situation, embarrassed Indian officials apologized to the Governor, but Arnold told them not to worry, “I’ll be back.”

 

Osama bin Laden Killing Video:  Its being reported that the government may be legally required to release a video of the Osama bin Laden killing.  That said, some are questioning the wisdom of releasing the video through Netflix.

 

Car Lands on Sleeping Man:  A 34-year-old Connecticut man woke up at 12:30 a.m. with a BMW in his bed because the driver, on the run from police, crashed through the wall of his bedroom in New Haven, trapping the man underneath for nearly an hour until he could be rescued.  Now I’ve woken up with plenty of strange things in my bed over the years, but never a BMW.  To their credit, after learning about the incident, BMW offered to change the linen on the man’s bed free for an entire year.

 

iPhone’s Siri Doesn’t Work Well in Scotland:  Many Scots lined up with the rest of the world when the new iPhone 4s came out last October, only to discover that the gadget’s Siri voice-activated virtual assistant can’t understand them.  I think its a pretty good bet that McDonald’s will switch to a vegetarian cuisine long before anyone invents anything that’s capable of understanding a Scottish accent.

 

Celine Dion Flashes Crowd:  Singer Celine Dion gave the crowd more than they bargained for after donning an extremely short mini-dress for her performance at the Jamaica Jazz and Blues Festival and was left red-faced after accidentally flashing the audience below her.  It turned out to be no big deal, however, if, for nothing else, most people couldn’t really care less that Celine Dion is flashing them.

 

Demi Moore Checks Into Rehab:  E! News is reporting that Demi Moore has checked into a posh rehab facility in Utah.  She probably could’t have picked a better place to wean off drugs and alcohol that Utah, a place where she’ll be lucky to even find a cup of coffee – let alone booze or drugs.

 

Suzanne Somers Gets Experimental Breast Reconstruction:  When breast cancer surgery left her feeling and looking less-than-herself, Somers turned to an experimental stem cell procedure at Hollywood Presbyterian Medical Center to help restore her breasts.  Somers said she chose Hollywood Presbyterian because no one knows breasts quite like the Presbyterians know breasts.

 

Exercise Can Be Addictive:  Scientists say there is strong evidence that exercise can be just as addictive as any drug for some people.  As a way to combat this tendency, researchers recommend getting the best remote possible when purchasing a new TV.

 

Pinkberry Co-Founder Pleads Not-Guilty to Assault:  Young Lee, the Pinkberry co-founder accused of felony assault by beating a homeless man with a tire iron, leaving the victim with a broken arm and cuts to the head a homeless man, pleaded not guilty on at his arraignment.  Police say Lee came under suspicion when shortly after the incident, Pinkberry suddenly decided to introduce a new flavor called “Black & Blue.”

 

Men Accused of Stealing Bridge:  Two brothers have been charged with stealing a western Pennsylvania bridge after they dismantled the structure and sold the 15 tons of scrap metal for more than $5000.  The irony is that engineers say this dismantled bridge is probably in better condition than many of the bridges in America.

 

Bird-Safe Windows:  An ordinance approved by the San Francisco Board of Supervisors requires that new buildings in the city use “bird-safe” standards that reduce the risk of winged creatures flying into the panes of glass.  Perhaps the most controversial part of the measure is the requirement that all buildings over three stories in height paste images of hungry cats on all windows that can potentially be seen by birds.

 

Too Much Red Bull:  A friend of Demi Moore told the New York Post that the recently divorced actress had been drinking “tons of Red Bull” in the days leading up to her collapse.  And to make matters worse, she reportedly drank all the Red Bill while she was reading issues of “Wired” magazine.

 

Dangers of Nanomaterials:  As tiny substances called nanomaterials rapidly move into the marketplace over the last decade in products as varied as cosmetics, clothing and paint, a panel of scientists say its time to investigate the potential risks.  In response, companies using the nanomaterials are telling scientists “don’t sweat the small stuff – and its all small stuff.”

 

Starbucks to Sell Beer & Wine:  Starbucks announced that it will soon start selling wine, beer and “premium foods” at select stores in Atlanta and southern California by the end of the year.  Probably a good business decision.  You really need to be about half drunk to pay that much for a cup of coffee in this economy.

 

Sweet Disposition:  New findings recently published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, show that people who like sweets are also more likely to be agreeable, friendly and compassionate than people who prefer other tastes such as spicy or bitter foods.  Or perhaps they’re just bitter that someone else ate up all the sweets.

 

New Law Requires Porn Actors to Wear Condoms:  Actors in adult movies filmed in Los Angeles will be required to use condoms under an ordinance signed into law by Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa, and porn industry leaders say the regulation could lead them to abandon the nation’s porn capital of Los Angeles.  Lawmakers say the law is necessary in order to protect performers, but the porn industry says it feels like they’re getting screwed.

 

Headphone Dangers:  According to new research from the University of Maryland School of Medicine, serious injuries to pedestrians listening to headphones have more than tripled in six years with cars or trains sounding horns that the pedestrians just cannot hear.  One solution garnering a lot of attention is inserting the sound of car horns or train whistles in the middle of any and all songs on a pedestrian’s MP3 player, just to keep listeners alert.

 

Rand Paul Detained by TSA’s:  Sen. Rand Paul, R-Ky., was “detained” by Transportation Security Administration agents in Nashville for refusing to allow a pat down according to Paul’s father Ron Paul, R-Texas via     -Facebook and Twitter.  Perhaps even more shocking is the fact that Ron Paul even knows what the hell Facebook and Twitter are.

 

Cruise Ship Company Offers Discount on Next Cruise:  Carnival Corp., the company who owns the capsized cruise ship Costa Concordia, is adding insult to injury by trying to compensate passengers with 30 percent off their next cruise and to make matters worse, the discount is only being offered to a select group of passengers.  Yea, the ones who died.

 

Milky Way Said to Have 160 Million Planets:  A statistical analysis based on a survey of millions of stars suggests that there’s at least one planet for every star in the sky, and probably more which would add up to at least 160 billion planets in our galaxy – the Milky Way.  Coincidently, the Milky Way candy bar is thought to contain at least 160 billion calories.

 

Girl Eaten by Giant Crocodile:  According to an MSNBC report, a 10-year-old girl in Indonesia has been eaten by a giant crocodile which sprang from the water while she was hunting for turtles with her father and brother.  Local officials say the poor girl was completely unaware that the crocodile was lurking, adding that it would be a huge mistake to just assume all giant crocodiles have swallowed ticking clocks.

 

Mom Tapes Herself Smoking Meth – Then Shoots Family:  Police in Fresno, California are combing through video footage of a woman who recorded herself smoking methamphetamine just before shooting her two young children, their father, a cousin and herself, seeking clues into a weekend tragedy that unfolded in California’s Central Valley.  What a clever idea to make a video to preserve those absolutely unforgettable family moments such as these.  Its almost a shame that no one is still alive watch it.

 

UK Spies Used Fake Rock To Gather Intelligence On Russia:  A former British official confirmed that UK intelligence officers communicated with Russian agents by using equipment hidden inside a fake rock left in a Moscow park.  After learning of the plot, Russian authorities told the British that they need to get their rocks off their park.

 

Mass Suicide Threat at Chinese Microsoft Plant:  Microsoft is investigating a report that workers at a Chinese plant that makes its Xbox game systems threatened mass suicide in a pay dispute.  Interestingly, game developers say they’re now looking into the feasibility of using that scenario for an exciting new game which could be played on the Xbox.

 

Porn Industry Ponders Leaving LA:  Some of the most prominent purveyors of porn say they may abandon the nation’s porn capital of Los Angeles if authorities carry through with a nascent effort to police adult film sets and order that male porn actors be outfitted with a condom.  It could be worse.  They could insist that actors also wear name tags.

 

Scarcity of Woman Can Hurt Men’s Finances:  According to a study published by the University of Minnesota’s Carlson School of Management, when men think they outnumber women, they borrow more, save less and make more impulse purchases.  I’m not so sure about that.  Everyone I’ve ever known seems to have a lot more money around when no women are in the picture.

 

Steve Jobs Action Figure Pulled:  The company that began advertising for an incredibly lifelike Steve Jobs action figure doll won’t sell the figurines after all and has pulled the item from the market.  Rumor has it they just couldn’t get the doll’s pancreas to function properly.

 

Newly-Discovered Frog Smaller Than a Dime:  A Louisiana State University scientist says he has discovered the smallest known vertebrate species on Earth, a tiny frog that is roughly equivalent to a dime.  That said, the frog’s “dime size” may periodically need to be adjusted to account for inflation.

 

Fungicide Found in Tropicana Orange Juice:  Health officials are cautioning that traces of unapproved fungicide have been found in Tropicana orange juice, but claim levels are still under government safety regulations.  Tropicana is advising anyone who may have drunk the juice to immediately roll around in any home flower gardens they may have if they wish to kill any weeds that are growing there.

 

S&P Lowers Credit Ratings:  Ratings agency Standard & Poor’s has sent much of Europe into a financial frenzy after it downgraded the government debt of France, Austria, Italy and Spain by one notch, but maintained Germany’s at the coveted ‘AAA’ level.  I know exactly how that feels.  S&P just downgraded all my debt to “dirtbag” status.

 

Feds Say Bed, Bath & Beyond Metal Tissue Holders Radioactive:  Federal regulators say the metal tissue holders sold by Bed, Bath & Beyond stores in more than 20 states including New York are contaminated with low levels of radioactive material.  One thing’s for sure, buy one and you’ll most likely be bound for the “great beyond.”

 

Republicans Angered by Gingrich and Perry Attacks on Romney:  Many Republicans, including Rudy Giuliani and Rush Limbaugh, are increasingly angered over Newt Gingrich and Rick Perry’s attacks on Mitt Romney’s tenure as the head of venture capital firm Bain, claiming the attacks are harmful to the Republican Party.  Staffers from the Perry and Gingrich camps say they are aware of the anger, but say they’re not worried because no matter how damaging their comments may be, Haley Barbour is likely to pardon them.

 

Kim Kardashian Replaced by a Dog:  Ad Age is reporting that reality star Kim Kardashian has been replaced in this year’s Sketchers Super Bowl commercial by a dog.  I had no idea that Rosie O’Donnell was doing Sketchers commercials.

 

French Fan Must Keep Away from Kirsten Dunst:  Kirsten Dunst has won a second extension of a restraining order to keep a French fan Jean Christophe Prudhon, 51 away from her, and this time he must stay away until 2015.  Isn’t he supposed to be stalking Jerry Lewis or someone like that?

 

Zimbabwe Bans Secondhand Underwear:  Zimbabwe may have an 80% unemployment rate, but one thing the country absolutely won’t stand for is its impoverished citizens wearing used undergarments, announcing a total ban on the importation and sale of secondhand underwear.  Or was that actually a ban on having a second hand in your underwear?

Nick Cannon Getting Better:  Mariah Carey’s husband Nick Cannon is insisting he is getting back to business and on the road to recovery after suffering “mild kidney failure.”  Gee, I believe the last time I suffered from “mild kidney failure,” was just after I had polished off about a bottle and a half of Jack Daniels.

Hawking Too Ill to Attend Birthday Bash:  Renowned physicist Stephen Hawking had to send a recorded message to be played at a conference in honor of his 70th birthday because he was just too ill to attend.  Who could have guessed?  He looks to be in the picture of health.

 

Music Teacher Tells Student Masturbation Improves Singing:  Kevin Gausepohl, a 34-year-old music instructor at Tacoma Community College, is charged with trying to convince a 17-year-old college student to use sexual arousal techniques such as striping naked and touching herself during private voice lessons to improve her singing.  Unfortunately for Gausepohl, her best performance turned out to be when she sang to police.

 

Kardashians May Be Close to Launching Glossy Magazine:  Sources are telling the New York Post the Kardashians are working on a deal with American Media Inc., which publishes The National Enquirer, to launch a new glossy mag entirely devoted to all things Kardashian.  But there already is another place where people can find out everything they want to know about the rich, the empty-headed and the self-indulgent as well as the people who love them – its called the Republican Primary.

 

Universe’s Biggest Mystery According to Stephen Hawking:  When asked what he considers to be the biggest mystery in the universe, University of Cambridge physicist and cosmologist Stephen Hawking answered that it is women.  Hawking went on to point out that just like the universe, there are also women who appear to be expanding at the speed of light.

 

More Reaching Age 90:  According to the US Census, more people than ever are reaching age 90, as nearly 2 million Americans are now 90 or over, which is triple their numbers of just three decades ago.  Local officials across the country expressed concern that if this trend continues, there won’t be enough land available to support all the lawn bowling leagues which will be necessary to accommodate this many elderly people.

 

Possible Cat Meat Poisoning:  Chinese police suspect that a billionaire logging tycoon was murdered when his lunch companion slipped a toxic herb into his slow-boiled, cat-meat stew.  Call me paranoid, but I think I would have bailed just around the time when they first informed me that lunch was gonna be a slow-boiled, cat-meat stew.

 

Brits Drunk in 76% of Their Facebook Pictures:  A new survey claims that more than three quarters of Brits are inebriated in the pictures they’ve posted on Facebook.  Researchers say intoxication was scientifically determined by comparing British profile pictures to old Nick Nolte mug shots.

 

Angry Crocodile Steals Aussie Zoo Worker’s Lawn Mower:  A giant saltwater crocodile named Elvis with an apparent affinity for household machinery first charged at an Australian reptile park worker and then stole his lawn mower.  Park employees say that the sad thing about the theft is that the crocodile will never use the mower and most likely just chop it up sell it off for parts.

 

Weaken Cancer:  German researchers suggest cancer cells grow weaker under simulated spaceflight conditions.  And that’s why you’ll almost never find a cancer cell telling nearby cells “I need my space.”

 

Jennifer Aniston Voted Hottest Woman of All Time:  Jennifer Aniston has been voted the “Hottest Woman of All Time” by Men’s Health Magazine.  Disappointed Rosie O’Donnell fans say next time they’ll insist upon using paper ballots and better voter registration scrutiny.

 

Getting Divorced After 77 Years:  A 99-year-old Italian man is divorcing his 96-year-old wife of 77 years after discovering letters his wife had received from an old lover during an affair she was having back in the 1940s.  The news apparently knocked him right off his rocker.

 

Panda Caught Eating Meat:  A camera at a Chinese nature reserve has spied a panda eating meat in the wild, marking the first time that a panda has been filmed eating meat – an oddity in that a panda’s diet was thought to be almost exclusively (99%) bamboo.  Wildlife officials say they initially became suspicious enough to install the cameras after spotting a number of top-of-the-line Kenmore Grills hidden in the brush throughout the nature reserve.

 

Fox News Apologizes to Jews:  Fox News Latin America has apologized to Jews after it created an uproar by running a poll, asking if people thought that Jews were responsible for killing Christ.  One thing’s for certain, another poll like this and they may very well be responsible for helping to kill Fox News’ ratings.  

 

Mandatory Condom Use for Porn Actors:  A proposed ballot measure that would require porn actors to wear condoms while filming in the city of Los Angeles has qualified for the June ballot.  Ballot measure?  Is that really something that the general public needs to be voting on?  One thing’s for certain, it should definitely make for some interesting campaign ads.

 

Cheeta the Chimp Dies at 80:  Hollywood has lost one of its oldest stars – Cheeta the chimpanzee, who starred in the Tarzan films in the early 1930’s has died of kidney failure at age 80, who, according to the Guinness Book of World Records, was also the “oldest non-human primate alive.”  Of course with Cheeta’s death, that title now rightfully belongs to Larry King.

 

California County Jail Goes Solar:  Merced County is going solar, announcing that it has commissioned a 1.4-megawatt photovoltaic unit to power the county’s correctional facilities in El Nido, Calif.  Which has death row inmates spending a good deal of their time praying for rain.

 

Parent Upset With Hooter’s Speaker:  The parent of a Clearwater, Florida student is complaining to school administrators after the appearance of Brittany Morgan, a “Hooters Girl,” at her child’s school who had been invited participate at the school’s “Great American Teach-In.”  Morgan proudly told to the class that Hooter’s Girls are so much more than just big-breasted waitresses in revealing outfits, we are also one the leading providers of greasy, fried food for people with IQ’s under 100.

 

Hollywood Dialect Coach Dies:  Character actor and Hollywood dialect coach Robert Easton, whose successes include teaching Forest Whitaker to speak like Idi Amin in the 2006 movie “The Last King of Scotland,” has died in Los Angeles at age 81.  Hollywood insiders say there was no one quite like him.  He was the one who taught Arnold Schwarzenegger how to do an Austrian accent.

 

Wild Horse Castration Postponed:  Federal land managers have agreed to postpone their precedent-setting plan to castrate hundreds of wild stallions in eastern Nevada pending a federal court’s review of the issue after a coalition of conservationists and wild-horse defenders sued the government in U.S. District Court in Washington, D.C., to block the plan’s implementation.  I don’t know all that much about horses, but one of the primary lessons I was able to take away when I had my cat neutered was that this is clearly a procedure that can only be performed once on any given animal.

 

Riders Too Heavy for Ferries:  The Washington state ferry service says it has been forced to reduce the number of people it will carry on its boats because people are so much heavier these days than in times past.  Passengers counter that instead of being categorized by the ferry service as heavy, they’d much prefer being thought of as big-boned riders.

 

Facebook Suicide Prevention Tool:  Facebook is rolling out a new suicide prevention tool which allows friends to report suicidal behavior under the report option on any piece of content on the social network.  Well it seems to me that with all the mundane crap that people post on Facebook, is it really any wonder why people are thinking about killing themselves?

 

Brain-Eating Amoebas Worry Scientists:  Two people in Louisiana have died after flushing their sinuses using neti pots that may have contained brain-eating amoeba-contaminated water, causing scientists to look anew at a once rare disease that may be on the rise here in the US.  Scientists say we’re just fortunate that it isn’t affecting an organ that many Americans often use in their day-to day lives.

 

Pigeons Perform Higher Math Tasks:  It has been known that pigeons can count, but a recent experiment showed they can perform a higher math task that had been demonstrated only in primates – ranking groups of items from fewest to most.  Forget their proficiency in math, I’m just totally impressed they could read the questions on the test.

 

French Recall Breast Implants:  French authorities are asking that 30,000 women have their breast implants checked and possibly removed because an unauthorized silicone gel that was used is potentially subject to rupture.  French women are reportedly somewhat skeptical of the government’s request after learning that Dominique Strauss-Kahn will be conducting the breast exams.

 

Large Burmese Python Killed in Everglades:  Wildlife officials in south Florida were in for a surprise when they cut open the belly of a 16-foot Burmese python they had captured and killed in the Everglades and found an adult deer inside.  Officials say that while everyone’s familiar with having a deer in the headlights, this is the first time they’ve ever had a deer in the python.

 

Oppose Plan to Castrate Horses in Eastern Nevada:  A coalition of conservationists and wild-horse activists is suing the government to block its implementation of a precedent-setting plan to castrate hundreds of wild stallions in eastern Nevada.  Government officials say they’re at a loss to explain why activists would object to castrating horses in eastern Nevada.  If you have to castrate horses, eastern Nevada seems as good of a place as any.

 

Ellen DeGeneres Buys Brad Pitt’s Malibu Home:  Ellen DeGeneres has bought Brad Pitt’s Malibu home for a reported $12 Million.  I can only imagine her disappointment when she realizes that Angelina Jolie isn’t included in the deal.

 

Laptop Wi-Fi Signals Causing Male Infertility:  Argentinian scientists are claiming that laptop Wi-Fi signals are causing infertility in males.  This is especially true for men who are running a vasectomy app along with the WiFi.

 

Value of Human Body Hair:  Human body hair might seem to be useless on today’s modern man, but it could help us detect parasites, researchers suggest, adding there’s a chance our female ancestors preferred a bug-free mate, and so opted for hairier guys.  If having lots of hair really helped us detect parasites, then wouldn’t our hair start growing every time we’re around bankers, telemarketers and insurance agents?

 

Can’t Stop Checking Social Media:  Researchers in Australia have found that a surprising 3% of people admit checking social media during “intimate moments.”  Lucky these mobile devices keep getting more reliable.  It would be a shame to lose “the moment” due to a bad WiFi connection.

 

Coffee Spill:  A pilot spilled coffee which accidentally triggered a hijacking alert on a United Airlines flight from Chicago to Frankfurt, Germany, causing the plane to make an unscheduled stop in Canada.  Wow, that’s pretty brazen of the pilot to divert the plane to Canada just to pick up more coffee.

 

Fashion Trumps History:  Mayor Gianni Alemanno announced a plan to repave many of Rome’s iconic cobblestone streets in order to make them easier for women wearing heels.  Even though the plan is somewhat controversial, Alemanno is now expected to be a shoe-in for reelection as mayor.

 

Italian Cat Inherits $13 Million:  A four-year-old one-time stray cat named Tommaso has become the world’s richest cat after inheriting more than $13 million from his former owner, a 94-year-old Italian widow of a successful builder.  The cat’s guardian says the first thing the cat will likely purchase is a new fur coat.

 

Erin Andrews Sues for $10 Million:  ESPN’s most famous sideline reporter, Erin Andrews, is suing the Nashville Marriott and the man who videotaped her in that hotel for $10 million invasion of privacy, negligence and infliction of emotional stress.  On the other hand, if someone were to secretly videotape Rosie O’Donnell nude, they be more likely to get sick than get sued.

 

Alec Baldwin Issues Apology:  After getting kicked off an American Airlines flight for not turning off his cellphone, Alec Baldwin issued an apology to his fellow travelers for the inconvenience he caused, but also took the opportunity to liken flying post-9/11 to a ”Greyhound bus experience.”  Which is of course is a ridiculous comparison because Greyhound really couldn’t care less what anyone does while riding on their busses.

 

AT&T Voted Worst Wireless Carrier:  Consumer Reports revealed the results of its annual survey of US wireless carriers and found Verizon ranking highest, while AT&T came in last among America’s four largest providers.  And their new ad campaign “if you’re looking for a carrier that sucks, we’re number one” doesn’t help either.

 

Alec Baldwin Kicked Off Plane:  Alec Baldwin was kicked off an American Airlines plane for refusing to stop playing “Words With Friends” on his iPad while the plane was waiting to take off.  Transportation officials say another incident like that and he may find himself playing “words with cellmates.”

 

Stolen Inflatable Santa Claus Returned:  A southern Indiana man has gotten back a 16-foot-tall inflatable Santa Claus stolen from his yard along with $100 and a note of apology.  Weary neighbors say we’re living in troubled times when even poor Santa’s been reduced to a cheap, hundred dollar a night, inflatable sex-toy.  

 

Child Talent Manager Charged:  A talent manager who represents child entertainers has been charged with eight felony counts, including continuous sexual abuse involving a boy who was an aspiring singer.  Police they got lucky that the boy was a singer, because as soon as they questioning him about the abuse, he started singing like a canary.

 

Former Miss USA Arrested on DUI Charges:  Former Miss USA Rima Fakir has apologized to fans after being arrested in Highland Park, Michigan on DUI Charges.  I think she needs to apologize for being in Highland Park, Michigan.

 

Daniel Craig Slams the Kardashians:  Daniel Craig recently ripped into the Kardashians fame, pointing out that they’ve made millions just for “behaving like f*cking idiots on television.”  Yea, just who do they think they are?  Sarah Palin?

 

Doctors To Try Deep-Chilling Trauma Patients:  Trauma surgeons soon will try plunging some critically injured people into a deep-chill – cooling their body temperatures to as low as 50 degrees, which in theory might allow the patient to survive without brain damage for about an hour while surgeons can do their work.  Most surgeons interviewed about the process believe that even if the deep-chilling doesn’t end up doing very much to help the patient, it still sounds like an awful lot of fun.

 

Snake Charmer Dumps Snakes in Government Office:  An angry snake charmer in the northern Indian state of Uttar Pradesh dumped a sack full of snakes in a land revenue office, causing officials and visitors to run from the building and jump on tables.  Angry officials were quick to point out that while snakes may find him charming, they didn’t.

 

Arizona Gun Club Offers Christmas Pics:  A Scottsdale, Ariz., gun club is offering a chance for its members to create unique holiday cards for which children and their families pose with Santa and their choice of pistols or military-assault rifles.  Because nothing really says “Joy to the World” and “Peace on Earth” more than a family armed to the teeth with pistols and assault rifles.

 

Eating Fish Good for the Brain:  A new study suggests that eating fish reduces the risk of Alzheimer’s disease as well as help keep the brain healthy.  On a rather unsettling note, the same study also determined that eating swimmers also makes fish brains healthier.

 

Invasive Species Threat:  Scientists say America is under siege — not by a foreign power, but by invasive species slowly working their way across the nation, leaving a sometimes-devastated and often-changed landscape in their wake.  But enough about the Republican primary.

 

Joins Sorority at Ninety:  Bertie McConnell wanted to join Zeta Tau Alpha in 1941 at Washburn University, but she left school when Pearl Harbor struck to support the war effort by working at an ammunition plant, was “absolutely shocked” on her 90th birthday when her lifelong dream was realized and she was invited to join a sorority.  McConnell says she’s totally shocked because about the only group she gets invited to join at her age is the Neptune Society.

 

New Mars Rover Launched:  NASA has just launched the Mars rover “Curiosity” in a daring attempt to find clues to determine whether the Red Planet has the essential chemical ingredients needed for life.  Why not just bring all the ingredients along?

 

Women’s Heels Get Higher During a Bad Economy:  According to Trevor Davis, a consumer product expert, women’s heels get higher in an economic downturn as consumers turn to a more flamboyant fashions as a means of fantasy and escape.  I don’t know about high heels, but a lot of people sure seem to become bigger heels in a bad economy.

 

Women With Advanced Degrees:  Census figures show women outnumber men for the first time when it comes to finishing college and holding advanced degrees.  Women’s groups are expressing concern that if information like this gets out to the general public, women may one day have to start picking up the tab for dinner.

 

Amish Sect Charged With Hate Crimes:  FBI and local police have raided an Amish compound in Ohio, arresting and charging seven suspects with hate crimes who police say assaulted several men and women in recent months by forcefully cutting their beards and hair, a serious insult for the Amish.  Newt Gingrich and the Republicans are calling the whole affair a very misguided effort, pointing out that if these people really want to find someone to insult by cutting their hair and beards, why not consider the Wall Street protesters?

 

Fox Viewers Found to Be Very Uninformed:  According to a poll conducted by Fairleigh Dickinson University, Fox News viewers are less informed than people who don’t watch any news at all.  A Fox spokesperson defended the channel by reminding people that sometimes no news is good news.

 

Gingrich Wants Child Labor Laws Repealed:  Speaking at Harvard’s Kennedy School of Government, Newt Gingrich says wants child labor laws repealed, which he called “truly stupid.”  Other Republican candidates were eager to jump on the bandwagon, but Michele Bachmann cautioned that it is only but a first step in our dream to repeal the entire 20th century.

 

Woman Sells Everything to Pay for Plastic Surgery:  A UK woman has sold her three-bedroom house and moved into a mobile home in order to fund a $47,000 plastic surgery.  I’m starting to suspect that seeing a psychiatrist might have been a better choice for the woman than seeing a plastic surgeon.

 

Authorities to Reopen Natalie Wood Case:  Homicide detectives say they plan to re-open their investigation of Natalie Wood’s death 30 years after the actress drowned in the waters off Southern California because the boat’s captain, Dennis Davern, claims he is now willing to share more information about the incident.  When questioned if he was doing this for the money, Davern says he doesn’t really need the money because he has just taken out a reverse mortgage thanks to an ad he saw on TV featuring Robert Wagner.

 

Catholic Diocese to Buy Crystal Cathedral:  A Roman Catholic diocese has won the right to buy the Crystal Cathedral for $57.5 million, which went bankrupt after several years of family and financial turmoil.  The diocese quickly announced that they plan to melt the cathedral down to make decorative champagne flutes and fancy nut bowels to sell during the holidays.

 

Teen Fad – Soaking Tampons in Vodka:  America’s teens have found a new way to get drunk – by soaking tampons in vodka and inserting them in their rectums and vaginas, with the idea that it will give them a quicker, longer and more intense high.  Disappointed teachers say we’re always striving to encourage teens to assert themselves, not insert themselves.

 

Job Discrimination Raises:  A new report says that complaints of job discrimination have hit an all-time high.  I believe it.  I had a friend who recently applied for a job, but wasn’t hired simply because the company doesn’t hire “drunk Americans.”

 

Only Hibernating Primate:  Zoologists say that the only primate to hibernate is the pygmy mouse lemur of Madagascar who weighs just over an ounce, is extremely promiscuous, has testicles that are bigger than its brain and it falls asleep at the drop of hat.  As far as I concerned, no punchline is needed here.

 

Support for Increase in Minimum Wage:  More than two-thirds of Americans say lawmakers should raise the national minimum water from $7.25 to $10 and hour according to a survey from the Public Religion Research Institute finds.  Yea, that’s because they’re finally beginning to realize that the only jobs left are minimum wage jobs.

 

Brown Eyes Blue:  A Los Angeles doctor says he is developing a laser procedure that strips away the brown pigment on the surface of the iris, leaving the patient with blue eyes.  As well as a humongous doctor bill.

 

Hefner Describes Lohan Pictorial as Classy:  According to Hugh Hefner, the nude pictorial that Lindsay Lohan did for Playboy is very classy.  And of course nothing really says classy more than a drug addict and alcoholic exposing herself because she desperately needs the money.

 

Scarlett Johansson Comments on Nude Photos:  In an interview with Vanity Fair, actress Scarlett Johansson addressed her nude photo scandal, saying there was nothing wrong with her taking the photos and claiming that she was intending to send them to her ex-husband Ryan Reynolds.  If Ryan Reynolds ever decides he wants to take a peek at them, all he needs to do is ask just about any heterosexual male in the western hemisphere and I’m sure they’ll be right there on their hard drives.

 

Equal Rights to U.K. Throne:  Prime Minister David Cameron announced that female heirs will now have equality with men in the rules governing succession to the throne, a move which will bring the British royal family much closer into modernity.  This, of course, would be not an issue here in America where we have no Royal Family.  We do, however, seem to have quite a few drag queens.

 

YouTube Top Social Media Spot for Teens:  According to a new poll, YouTube is now the most popular social media brand among American teens, beating out Facebook for the top spot.  This has analysts wondering if Facebook could be going down the YouTube.

 

Gas Pumps Direst Surface:  According to a new study by Kimberly-Clark, gas pump handles are the filthiest public surfaces in America.   Which means I may have to abandon my habit of licking my fingers immediately after I pump gas.

 

Amy Winehouse Ruling:  A British coroner has ruled that Amy Winehouse died as the unintended consequence of drinking too much alcohol, in what he’s calling “death by misadventure.”  I could be wrong on this, but it seems like her entire life could more or less be categorized as a “misadventure.”

 

E-books Just as Good as Paper Books:  European researchers say that a comparison of reading texts on paper with reading from an e-book found no disadvantages associated with the electronic version.  And just to insure you remember everything you’ve just read, you can now store it all in Apple’s newest device, the “e-Brain?”

 

Redefining Family:  Sociologists say as we look around at the Thanksgiving table, we find fewer children raised by married parents as our nation redefines family.  That may be true to a degree, but in my opinion, the people who did the most to redefine our definition of family was the “Manson Family.”

 

Women Find Women Attractive:  According to recent research, 60 per cent of heterosexual women surveyed said that they find other women sexually attractive.  Most of the women interviewed say its really unlikely they’ll ever date a woman, however, simply out of fear that they might have to pick up the check.

 

Indian Girls Shed ‘Unwanted’ Names:  Nearly 300 Indian girls whose names mean “unwanted” in Hindi chose new names with the hope it will give the girls new dignity and help fight widespread gender discrimination.  Human rights organizations admit that much is of course hinging on the fact that none of the girls choose the Hindi equivalent of “sleazy bitch” for their new names.

 

Killer Colorado Band:  A Colorado rock musician has died after being punched by the bass player in his band in a dispute over loading the band’s equipment.  Gee, those guys must really love loading equipment to be willing to fight to the death over it. 

 

Plus-Size Hair Salon:  The London Daily Mail reports the opening of “Hair By Bashar,” a hair salon that serves hors d’oeuvres and caters to overweight clients who’ve previously felt uncomfortable in mainstream salons.  Makes sense.  How are these people supposed to feel comfortable at salons where there’s nothing to eat?

 

Sea Levels Will Rise:  Scientists in Denmark say that their climate models are suggesting that the emission of greenhouse gases and pollution of the atmosphere will raise sea levels for the next 500 years.  The study did stir some controversy after it was learned that researchers used Zach Galifianakiswas as the primary model for greenhouse gas emissions.

 

Naomi Wolf Arrested:  Feminist author Naomi Wolf was arrested when she joined protesters at the Occupy Wall Street movement in downtown New York after telling the crowd that they didn’t need a permit to use a megaphone.  Police defended the arrest, pointing out that its illegal to have a Wolf at a public gathering without a permit.

 

Anthrax Killings:  There was a strong sense of relief when the federal government concluded that a lone psychologically troubled government scientist mailed anthrax-laced letters in 2001, killing five people and terrorizing the nation, but now the evidence is looking increasingly shaky.  And if the crime isn’t horrendous enough, its being reported that the killer didn’t even bother putting proper postage on any of those letters.

 

Finishes Marathon at 100:  A 100-year-old runner became the oldest person to complete a full-distance marathon when he finished the Toronto’s race in 8-hours, which was more than six hours after the winner crossed the finish line.  Guess he must have figured why hurry, I’ve got nothing but time.

 

False Claims:  The U.S. Federal Trade Commission said Reebok International Ltd has agreed to pay $25 million to settle charges that it made unsupported claims that its “toning shoes” provide extra muscle strength.  The FTC found that about the only thing the shoes did to “tone” customers was to rip them off to the tone of about $125 a pair.

 

Vitamins May Increase Older Women’s Risk of Dying:  A new study found that taking dietary supplements increased the risk of death in older women by 2.4%.  In a related study, researchers found that younger women who took dietary supplements eventually grew older as time went by.

 

Eating Disorders:  People with eating disorders like anorexia are fighting insurers to pay for stays in residential treatment centers, an issue that is now being considered by an appeals court in California.  Anorexics say they totally reject insurance company suggestions such as telling anorexics to eat at big buffets like the Sizzler more often.

 

Sony TV Recall:  Sony announced that it is recalling 1.6 million of its Bravia flat-panel TV’s because a faulty component may cause them to catch fire or even melt.  Wow, I can see it all now.  Some poor slob’s lying on the couch smoking a joint and watching some “grade B” horror flick when suddenly and horribly, everything comes right to life in front of his very eyes.

 

Opposed to Halloween:  A Christian organization calling itself JesusWeen, is opposed to ”ungodly” Halloween and its “evil characters,” plans to hand out mini Bibles to trick-or-treaters instead of candy this Halloween.  Sounds like we can expect to see loads of Bibles showing up for sale November 1st on E-Bay.

 

Minors Can’t Tan:  California Gov. Jerry Brown signed into law a bill that would ban minors from using commercial tanning beds.  How about tanning beds with no commercials?

 

Tree Falls on Woman in Bel Air:  The Los Angeles Fire Department reports that a tree fell on a 24-year-old woman while she was sitting inside a vehicle on Benedict Canyon Drive in Bel Air.  Firefighters say they can’t say for sure whether or not a tree that falls in Bel Air makes any noise, but they did confirm that the woman whose car the tree fell upon certainly did.

 

Depressed Brains Hate Differently:  A new study out of China and the UK suggests that while depressed people are often withdrawn and antisocial, it doesn’t necessarily mean that they don’t like other people, rather their brains don’t process feelings of hate in a normal way.  So there’s yet another reason for them to be depressed.  They can’t even hate correctly.

 

Bovine High Altitude Disease:  As many as 2 million cattle graze on public and private land at high altitudes every summer, but with thousands developing Bovine High Altitude Disease each year, ranchers take a chance when they send their animals into the hills.  Guess that’s why you rarely see cattle joining the mile high club.

 

Mormon Church Launches Media Campaign:  The Mormon Church will soon be launching an “I’m a Mormon” campaign which will encourage people to learn about the Latter-day Saints on their own terms by visiting the mormon.org website and hopefully, getting to know Mormons personally.  Meeting some Mormons sounds like an awful lot of fun.  Perhaps we could all meet down at the local pub for a drink sometime.  

 

Undie Protest:  An estimated 3,000 people stripped to their underwear and ran through Salt Lake City this weekend to protest what they called Utah’s ”uptight” laws.  Organizers say they plan to make it into an annual event, limited to just 500 participants, which they plan to call the “Undie 500.”

 

Toilet Explodes at GSA Headquarters:  A mechanical failure at the General Services Administration (GSA) headquarters in Washington DC created high air pressure in the domestic water system causing a toilet explosion which has left one employee seriously injured.  Sounds like the toilets finally had enough of all the crap they have to take and just blew his ass away.

 

Michael Jackson’s Milk:  Testimony in the trail of Dr. Conrad Murray is indicating that pop star Michael Jackson saw salvation from his nightly battle with insomnia in what he termed his “milk,” a powerful anesthetic known as propofol.  Interesting appetite he had.  The doctor gave him propofol for his milk and he apparently got his cookies from young boys.

 

New Study Probes Use of Social Media:  A new study based on 2,000 social media using adults says the primary reason we use social media is to connect with friends.  A follow-up study determined that the primary reason we eat is because we’re hungry.

 

Left-Handed Presidents:  Historians say that while Herbert Hoover is believed to be the first left-handed U.S. president, James A. Garfield could write Greek with the left hand and Latin with the right.  Good grief, no wonder Garfield was assassinated!

 

Fast Eaters:  Researchers have found that people who eat the quickest are much more likely to be obese than slow eaters.  No kidding.  The fast eaters probably gobble down all the food quick before the slow eaters have a chance to get at any of it.

 

Saudi Women Get the Vote:  Saudi King Abdullah announced that women in the Kingdom will gain the right to vote and run as candidates in local elections in 2015, a major advancement for the rights of women in the deeply conservative Muslim country.  Unfortunately, at the same time they also announced that any women who try to cast a vote without being accompanied by a male escort will be beheaded.

 

Nancy Grace Weight Loss:  In a jab to her critics who called her fat, shock TV personality Nancy Grace told People Magazine that she has lost ten pounds since joining “Dancing With the Stars.”  It nice to hear that she can just dance away a fat body.  What a shame that she can’t just dance away her fat mouth as well.

 

No More Special Last Meal:  Following the recent execution of white supremacist Lawrence Brewer, the Texas Department of Criminal Justice has decided to stop granting special “last meals” to those being executed, saying Brewer’s last meal request was over-the-top!  Defending the decision, prison officials say its not gonna kill them to just eat what we serve them.

 

Eating Contestant Dies:  Local media say that a 77-year-old Ukrainian man won a jar full of sour cream for coming first in a dumpling eating contest and then promptly died.  Friends report that sadly, the man’s family is now being completely torn apart in a ferocious battle over who should get the sour cream.

 

Green Mile Actor Marries Girl Sixteen:  E! Online is reporting that 51-year-old actor Doug Hutchison of ‘The Green Mile’ and ‘Lost’ has married 16-year-old Country & Western singer Courtney Stodden in Las Vegas.  Well, on a positive note, at least she wasn’t his cousin.

 

Heidi Klum’s Legs Valued at $2 Million:  German supermodel and former Victoria’s Secret Heidi Klum’s legs have been insured for $2 million, but she had to have them examined before a price could be placed on them.  Damn, I tried to get my legs insured and they told me to take a hike.

 

Delores Hope Dies at 102:  Delores Hope, widow of famed comedian Bob Hope, has died at her Toluca Lake home of natural causes at age 102.  I guess that leaves us with no Hope.

 

Violent Crime Statistics:  Despite the tough economic times, violent crime continues to fall as newly released Justice Department statistics show that violent crime fell 13 percent in 2010.  Authorities say the only explanation they have to account for the drop is that the economy has gotten so bad that not even violent criminals can find work anymore.

 

Wife Leaves Him:  Celebrity White House gate crasher husband Tareq Salahi is glad his wife, Michaele, is OK but heartbroken that she’s left home to be with another man, reported to be lead guitarist Neal Schon with the rock band “Journey.”  So much for “forever yours, faithfully.”

 

Italian Mobster Escapes Custody:  Italian news sources are reporting that mobster Antonio Pelle, head of an organized crime clan involved in the slaying of six people in Germany in 2007, has escaped from a hospital where he was being treated for anorexia.  Police are cautioning the public that this is a someone who you better not have the wrong answer if he ever asks you anything like “do I look too fat in these jeans?”

 

Snake Breeder:  Texan David Barker, who breeds and sells exotic pythons mail order, testified before Congress about a law that makes it illegal to transport nine species of snakes across state lines except for research, claiming that he’s one of hundreds of thousands of people whose livelihoods will be harmed “by the job-killing regulation of the Obama Administration.”  Hundreds of thousands affected?  Who could have ever guessed that the US economy was so dependent on pythons?

 

Pot Smokers Less Obese:  According to a study by a French researcher, pot smokers are less likely to be obese than those who do not partake.  Thereby, once and for all, confirming the Bon Bons and Cheetos diet as an invaluable weight maintenance tool.

 

Estrogen Study:  A new study shows that estrogen appears to help protect women’s memories from decline due to aging.  Researchers say the hormone was so effective, women with memory decline were once again able to bring up things that their husbands did years ago and throw it back in their faces.

 

Helping Combat Veterans Transition:  The LA Times reports that Pasadena City College is among several schools nationwide who are assisting returning combat veterans make the transition back into life on campus.  School officials hope to reassure returning combat vets that even with all the escalated violence of late at schools across the nation, life on a high school or college campus isn’t significantly more dangerous than what these vets have faced in Iraq and Afghanistan.

 

Fewer Smokers:  New research indicates that fewer U.S. adults are smoking and those who do light up are smoking fewer cigarettes each day.  Sadly, a follow-up study determined that the number of Americans picking their noses in public appears to be increasing.

 

Playmate Gets Nine Years:  Former Playboy Playmate of the Year Victoria Rathgeb, who also appeared in the horror movie “Rosemary’s Baby,” has been sentenced to nine years in state prison for shooting her husband in the back at their Hollywood apartment.  Guess she didn’t turn out to be such a good playmate after all.

 

Yahoo CEO Fired:  In a message to staff, Yahoo CEO Carol Bartz said she had been fired over the phone by Yahoo’s Chairman of the Board.  It could have been much worse.  They could have sent her the news via Gmail.

 

Netflix Cancels Plans:  Attempting to heal its self-inflicted wounds, Netflix announced that it will abandon its controversial plan to separate its DVD-by-mail business from its online streaming service.  In making the announcement, Netflix chief Reed Hastings asked customers to stay tuned for other upcoming schemes we plan to announce and then abruptly cancel.

 

Importance of Diets to Women:  After surveying 1,290 women in the U.K., a weight-loss company found that women think more about diets than relationships or sex and would feel more guilty about straying from their diet plan than cheating on their partners.  To be fair, all the women interviewed for the study were supermodels.

 

Mistaken for KKK Protester:  The owners of an ice cream shop in Ocala, Fla. tried lure customers to their business by hiring someone to stand outside dressed in an ice cream cone costume which, unfortunately, was mistaken for KKK uniform.  The ice cream shop says they have no plans to alter the costume and if people mistake them for the KKK, that’s a cross they’ll have to bear.

 

Neanderthal Dietary Habits:  New research concludes that instead of Neanderthals being dim-witted hunters who only dined on big game, new findings suggest they had more balanced diets, with broad menus that may have included birds, fish and plants.  Anthropologists point out that the last dim-witted hunter they are aware of in human family line would most likely be Sarah Palin.

 

Florida Rep Wants Repeal of Dwarf-Tossing Ban:  As part of his ”quest to seek and destroy unnecessary burdens on the freedom and liberties of people,” Florida state Rep. Ritch Workman (R) has submitted a bill to repeal Florida’s 22-year-old ban on tossing dwarfs for sport at bars.  Most Floridians say they’ll support the repeal, just as long as it can be assured that the dwarfs are tossed without the aid of performance enhancing drugs.

 

Severed Heads Found in Acapulco:  Mexican police are reporting finding five severed heads in front of a primary school in the Pacific coast resort of Acapulco. In response, the US State Department is cautioning all US citizens visiting Mexico not to head out in that direction.

 

Palin Not Running:  Sarah Palin announced that after much prayer and serious consideration, she has decided not to seek the 2012 GOP nomination for President of the United States because she believes she can “be more effective in a decisive role to help elect other true public servants to office.”  Palin then assured supporters that even though she won’t be running for office, that still won’t stop her from making ridiculous statements on topics about which she knows very little or nothing about.

 

Woman Left with Uniboob:A 40-year-old woman’s boob job was beginning to leak, so she went to a surgeon whom she later found out wasn’t board certified, who put her new implants so close together that they touched, leaving her with a uniboob.  On a positive note, she reported getting quite a few proposals from guys with unibrows.

 

Wanted to be Like Queen of England:  Reports are surfacing that Muammar Gaddafi was so worried about NATO ousting him that he secretly offered Britain’s Foreign Office to give up power altogether and become a figurehead “like the Queen of England.”  The British immediately turned down the request, pointing out that the Queen wouldn’t be caught dead in any of those outfits that Gaddafi wears.

 

Courtney Love to Write Memoir:  Courtney Love has signed to write a memoir where she will open up about her marriage to Kurt Cobain, her family problems and drug issues.  I have a sneaking suspicion that writing this memoir probably isn’t the only time that Courtney Love has ever decided to open herself up.

 

Appointed Forest Ranger:  Betty White, a long-time advocate for animal causes, has been awarded the honorary designation of Forest Ranger.  Animal rights advocates are quick to point out that while appointing someone like Betty White raises awareness about the dangers animals face in the wild, it’s still gonna be some time before most animals are completely out of the woods.

 

Spontaneous Human Combustion:  The death of 76-year-old Irish pensioner Michael Flaherty, who died under mysterious circumstances last year, has been ruled the result of “spontaneous human combustion” according to the local coroner.  A man of many enemies, everyone always swore that one-day he’d end up burning in hell, but it looks like he’s proven them wrong on that one.

 

Flirting While Driving:  A full 62 percent of drivers report having flirted with someone in a different vehicle while on the go, and 31 percent of those flirtations resulted in a date!  Unfortunately, another 35% have resulted in higher insurance premiums.

 

Aging Shrinks Us:  New research is confirming the assumption that most people shrink as they get older, with men getting about an inch shorter and women getting about two inches shorter between the ages of 30 to 70.  Sadly for the men, the inch they lose doesn’t appear to be in their height.

 

Drew Barrymore Hides Baby Bump:  In some new photos, Drew Barrymore appears to be pregnant, but so far she hasn’t yet made a public statement.  In other news, “the Beach Boys” appear to be really old, but so far no one has made a public statement.

 

Scarlett Johansson Fretted Over Body:  Scarlett Johansson told a U.K. morning show that she fretted quite a bit over wiggling into her famously curvaceous body into a formfitting costume to play the Black Widow in The Avengers.  You can bet that there are also plenty of guys out there who are fretting over the thought of seeing her in a tight, formfitting outfit.

 

Warmest March Ever:  The eastern U.S. just had the warmest March since record-keeping began in 1895, breaking over 15,000 temperature records, according to the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration.  My question is, just who the hell came up with the idea that we need to look at 15,000 different things about the temperature?

 

Women More Charitable:  According to a study conducted by the Center on Philanthropy at Indiana University, women at nearly every income level are significantly more charitable than men.  And I’m living proof of that.  Practically every woman who’s ever gone out with me would probably say that she was just being charitable.

 

Pets Can Diagnose Health Problems:  New studies show that while our furry friends can be taught to roll over, fetch and shake hands, they can also be trained to detect serious illnesses, often helping their owners get critical care fast.  Forget about teaching them to find diseases, I’d just be happy if they could find some medical insurance I could afford.

 

Maintenance Man Arrested Over Hidden Video Cameras:  Police say a maintenance man in California was arrested on suspicion of placing hidden video cameras throughout the Sears store at the Valley Plaza mall in order to surreptitiously record women in fitting rooms and restrooms.  Makes you wonder what’s wrong with the world today?  Come on, doesn’t anyone buy porn anymore?

 

Dad Replaced as Mom’s Best Pal:  A new study says that over time, women tend to turn to their oldest daughter as their primary confident, replacing the role their husband had played over the years.  As for the husbands, the study found they tend to enjoy the companionship of cheap hookers.

 

James Cameron May be Launching Asteroid Mining Company:  There is speculation that Hollywood director James Cameron may be launching an asteroid mining company after his new company called “Planetary Resources” held its official launch promising a new venture that would merge “space exploration and natural resources,” while adding “trillions” of dollars to the global GDP.  Of course skeptics of the venture are saying it sounds like Cameron has his head up his asteroid.

 

New Shrimp-Like Species Found:  Scientists have discovered a new shrimp-like species that is blind, about a half-inch long and almost translucent in a gypsum cave in southeastern New Mexico.  No decision has yet been made as to whether the shrimp are going to be taught to read braille.

 

Animal Laws Changing:  With pets today being viewed less as property and more like part of the family, legal experts say that laws are changing to extend to animals some of the legal rights that humans possess.  Terrific!  Perhaps now someone inform my neighbor’s dog that he now has the right to remain silent.

 

Japanese Bank Offers Palm-Reading Technology:  A Japanese banking group has announced it will soon be offering its customers the opportunity to make ATM cash withdrawals using palm-reading biometric technology, doing away with the need for bank cards and books.  My bank read my palm and predicted that I’ll be flat broke after I finish paying all their bank fees.

 

Newly Released Photo May Indicate Passengers Still Aboard Titanic:  Federal officials are saying that a newly released photo from the North Atlantic site of the shipwrecked RMS Titanic shows evidence that there may still be passengers aboard the ill-fated vessel which sunk 100-years ago.  Officials are quick to point out that any passengers who are still on board a sunken ship after all these years are dead.

 

New Economic Opportunities:  USA Today reports that in this uncertain economy, funeral homes are finding new income possibilities by hosting other events, such as weddings and parties.  I went to one of those parties held at a funeral home and ended up being the “life of the party.”

 

Hotel Guests Prefer Free WiFi:  A new survey found that hotel guests much prefer free Wi-Fi access over other amenities such as a gourmet coffee maker.  A related study found that celebrities and politicians tend to prefer hookers and drugs over gourmet coffee makers and free WiFi.

 

Wrinkles and Bone Density:  Yale scientists have found that the more wrinkles a woman has in her early menopause years, the lower her bone density.  Sounds like its time to bone-up for some anti-wrinkle cream.

 

Commemorative Events Held for Titanic’s 100th Anniversary:  Numerous emotional commemorative events are being held on both sides of the Atlantic to mark the 100th anniversary of the sinking of the Titanic.  In fact, so many Titanic events are being held that even James Cameron was heard complaining “all right already, we get that the ship went down, now get over it.”

 

Man’s Earliest Ancestor Found:  Experts say that a fossilized eel-like creature unearthed in Canada is the oldest life form found with a primitive spinal cord, making it man’s earliest ancestor.  Perhaps, but its not likely a descendant of mine given that it actually has a backbone.

 

Ashley Judd Objects to Being Called Puffy:  Actress Ashley Judd expressed anger over recent criticism about her appearance, saying the comments about her “puffy face” were spurred by society’s objectification of girls and women.  After being told about her reaction, rapper Sean Combs demanded that Judd explain exactly what’s so bad about being called “puffy?”

 

Johnson & Johnson Subsidiary Hid Risks of Anti Psychotic Drug:  A jury in Arkansas’ billion-dollar lawsuit against Janssen Pharmaceuticals Inc., determined that the Johnson & Johnson subsidiary downplayed and hid risks associated with its hugely-profitable anti-psychotic drug Risperdal.  Janssen claims that its always been their position that you’d have to be crazy to take a drug like this.

 

Apple Anti-Trust Suit:  The Department of Justice is alleging that Apple and a cohort of six top publishers conspired to price-fix and overcharge e-book buyers to the tune of tens of millions of dollars.  Justice officials suspect that there may have been a book cover-up.

 

Katy Perry Tired of Being Famous:  Katy Perry shocked many when she told Teen Vogue that she’s really getting “tired of being famous.”  When asked to explain her remarks, Perry told reporters that should she have any additional comments about fame, she’ll be release them through her publicist or her business manager.

 

Virgin Atlantic Employee Fired for Leaking Celebrity Info:  The Telegraph of London reports that a Virgin Atlantic employee has resigned from the airline amid claims she leaked confidential flight details of celebrities to one of the world’s biggest paparazzi agencies.  Before resigning, the woman protested that celebrities almost never get fired for leaking Virgin Atlantic info.

 

Snake Forces Pilot to Turn Back:  A terrified Australian pilot was forced to make a harrowing landing reminiscent of a Hollywood thriller after a large snake popped out from behind his dashboard and then slithered down his leg as he was attempting to land the plane.  Of course had this incident happened on a JetBlue flight, it would have been the snake who was terrified.

 

Chinese Teen Sells Kidney to Buy iPhone:  Authorities have indicted five people in central China for involvement in illegal organ trading after a teenager sold one of his kidneys to buy an iPhone.  Of course here in America, an iPhone costs an arm and a leg – not a kidney.

 

Anti-Semitic Message Written in Maple Syrup:  Los Angeles police are still asking for the public’s help in finding who wrote an anti-Semitic message on a Northridge, California driveway using maple syrup.  Police say once they find the culprit, it shouldn’t be all that difficult to make the charges stick.

 

Wyoming Town With One Resident Sold for $900,000:  A remote, unincorporated area along busy Interstate 80 in Wyoming that advertised itself as the smallest town in America with only one resident, has been sold at auction for $900,000.  When asked why he was selling, the town’s sole resident told reporters that he just grew tired of dealing with all the bureaucracy over at city hall.

 

Mexican Beauty Still Claiming Weight Gain Cost Her Crown:  Mexican beauty queen Cynthia de la Vega is still claiming she was stripped of her crown and the ability to compete in last year’s Miss Universe pageant because she gained six pounds.  Miss Universe officials say they became aware of de la Vega’s weight gain by reading a paper by famed physicist Stephen Hawking detailing how the Miss Universe is expanding.

 

Woman Gives Birth on Freeway:  A San Diego woman gave birth to a baby boy in the front passenger seat while her husband was speeding down the freeway, en route to the hospital when the baby unexpectedly popped out.  Republicans are heralding this as yet another fantastic example of how we can cut healthcare costs without Obamacare.

 

Salma Hayek Struggled With Severe Acne:  In a candid interview with Lucky magazine, Salma Hayek reports that she once had really severe acne and that her complexion was at one point so bad, she could barely leave the house.  Ironically, many of her movies are so bad that she might wanna rethink not leaving the house.

 

Pat Robertson Claims Homosexuality is Demonic Possession:  In a recent broadcast, televangelist Pat Robertson told viewers that homosexuality is related to a type of “demonic possession.”  Between Robertson blaming everything from earthquakes to reptilian sarcoptic mange on homosexuality, its really starting to sound like its Robertson who has a type of demonic “obsession.”

 

Newspaper Fires Reporter for Being a Stripper:  The Houston Chronicle has fired reporter Sarah Tressler for “not disclosing” her secret side job as a $2000 a night stripper who also writes the anonymous blog “Diary of an Angry Stripper.”  Many media insiders are confiding that its just a matter of time before the same thing happens to Helen Thomas.

 

Stand Your Ground Laws:  At a time when the overall U.S. homicide rate is declining, more civilians are killing each other and claiming self-defense, with so-called justifiable homicides nearly doubling from 2000 to 2010 – a trend that is most pronounced in states with new “stand your ground” laws.  I can believe it.  Hell, I just shot my proctologist under one of the “stand your ground” laws.

 

Pot Smokers in Fewer Accidents Than Drinkers:  A new study is reporting that pot smokers get into fewer car crashes than people who’ve been drinking.  In a rather surprising finding, the study also determined that while crack users don’t often drive cars all that much while they’re stoned, they do have been know to pilot JetBlue airplanes.

 

Mega Millions Odds:  Experts say that those who spend their money and place their hopes on winning one of the Mega Millions jackpots are much more likely to become president, give birth to identical triplets or be killed by a vending machine.  This is especially true for those who purchase their pipe bombs and Molotov cocktails from vending machines.

 

LAUSD Has 130 Educators Under Investigation:  The California state teacher credentialing agency has opened investigations into 130 educators and the district has reported some past allegations of misconduct to law enforcement.  Who could have guessed that one of LA’s biggest criminal gangs would turn out to be its teachers. 

 

Man Climbs New York Times Building to Get Copy of Newspaper:  Police say that a crazed man tried to scale the New York Times building to get a copy of the newspaper, only making it to the fifth floor of the 52-story building before he was caught.  After capturing the man, police immediately drove him over to the Bellevue mental health facility and told him to climb right up and get himself some psychiatric counseling.

 

Tribe Granted Right to Kill Two Bald Eagles:  A federal government decision to allow a Wyoming tribe to kill two bald eagles for a religious ceremony is being hailed as a victory for Indian sovereignty by Native-Americans.  I would assume that bald eagles have a somewhat different take on it.

 

Carine Wilson Has Second Weight-Loss Surgery:  Twelve years after Carnie Wilson underwent gastric bypass surgery and famously lost 150 lbs, the singer has done it again – this time going under the knife for lap band surgery.  I can totally relate.  I thought my MacBook Pro was a bit too big and bulky, so I sent it in for laptop band surgery.

 

Etch A Sketch Stock Jumps Amid Political Flap:  Shares in Ohio Art, makers of the child’s toy Etch A Sketch, have more than doubled to $9.65 after Etch A Sketch became a dominant theme in the GOP presidential race.  Which begs the question, just who in the hell would invest in Etch A Sketch anyway?

 

Study Links Narcissism and Facebook Activity:  According to study by Western Illinois University, there is a direct relationship between Facebook activity and narcissistic behavior, including a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration and an exaggerated sense of self-importance.  Fortunately, I only have about 3 or 4 Facebook friends, so there’s not all that many people who are gonna know what a self-centered, grandiose narcissist I really am.

 

Betty White Appointed Forest Ranger:  Betty White, a long-time advocate for animal causes, has been awarded the honorary designation of Forest Ranger.  In accepting the award, Betty White pointed out that while we’ve made great strides in protecting them, many animals still aren’t out of the woods yet.

 

Thieves Now Stealing Gas:  Police officers across the US are reporting that due to the poor economy and rising gas prices, more thieves are now attempting to steal gas from parked cars.  Unfortunately for the thieves, the reason that many of those cars were parked in the first place was because their owners couldn’t afford to buy gas.

 

Red Bull Creator Dies:  Thai billionaire Chaleo Yoovidhya, who created popular energy drink Red Bull three decades ago, has died at 89.  Those who knew him point out that even though Yoovidhya was an old man, he somehow seemed to have boundless energy right up until the very end.

 

HBO Cancels Luck:  HBO’s horse-racing series called “Luck” has been abruptly canceled after yet a third horse that was used in the production of the series died.  The producers say they’ve learned their lesson and their next show will be a light-hearted comedy about Canadians who club baby harp seals for their pelts.

 

Experts Say 30-50 % of World’s Food Thrown Away:  Experts at the Reuters Food and Agriculture Summit in Chicago are saying that an estimated 30 to 50 percent of the food produced in the world goes uneaten, with the average American throwing away almost 400 pounds of food each year, the weight of an adult male gorilla.  Ironically, every time I look take a look around, it kind of looks like more and more Americans seem to be rapidly approaching the size of adult gorillas, but without sharing their good manners.

 

Woman Kills Self With Chainsaw:  Police in Southern California are reporting that a woman in her early 40’s used a chainsaw to kill herself in the bedroom of her townhouse.  Shocked neighbors say they are at a loss to explain why anyone would kill themselves like that when there are so many bridges in the area that she could have jumped off.

 

Not Better Off:  A new CBS poll found that nearly 80 percent of Americans say they are not better off than they were four years ago.  I assume that the other 20 percent must own Apple stock.

 

Scientists May Have Found New Human Species:  Scientist have revealed mysterious fossils that are between 11,500 and 14,500 years old of what may be a previously unknown type of human have been uncovered in caves in China, ones that possess a highly unusual mix of bygone and modern human features.  Anthropologists are quick to contrast these creatures to modern-day Republicans, who exhibit no signs of humanity at all.

 

Middle School Coach Bites Off Part of Opposing Coach’s Ear:  In one of the most bizarre and troubling incidents in recent youth sports history, Massachusetts middle school assistant basketball coach Timothy Forbes attacked and then bit off part of the opponent coach’s ear after losing a 6th grade basketball championship.  School officials say if there’s a lesson our students can learn here – it would be to make certain you never go to the big game on an empty stomach.

 

Ancestry.Com:  I was curious about my heritage, so I logged on to Ancestry.Com and discovered that I come from a long line of people waiting to use the restroom.

 

Tornado Deaths Raise Questions About Mobile Home Safety:  Safely officials are beginning to take a closer look at mobile home safety in general after it was determined that two-thirds of the 34 people killed in the recent catastrophic tornadoes in Kentucky and Indiana died in mobile homes, even though such housing makes up just 14% of the housing in Kentucky and 6% in Indiana.  I think perhaps a much better question to ask would be “is it ever safe to allow tornados in areas where there’s mobile homes?”

 

Scientists Closing in On God Particle:  Two teams of physicists, using results from a now-closed American particle accelerator, say they’re getting closer in on the hunt for the “God Particle” – called Higgs boson – which is key to understanding why matter has mass.  Wow!  These guys are way ahead of the game.  I can’t even figure out why Catholics have mass.

 

Rise in Number of Super-Commuters:  New data indicate that more Americans are choosing long commutes — sometimes more than 100 miles — instead of selling their homes and moving their families closer to their jobs.  I certainly relate to the long drives.  Living in LA, I often have to drive at least a hundred miles or more just to run into someone who hasn’t had plastic surgery.

 

Study Claims Humans Ate Neanderthals:  A recent study by a leading fossil expert suggests that Neanderthals – a sturdy species that mysteriously disappeared 30,000 years ago as modern humans began to migrate to Europe – may have been hunted down and eaten by modern humans.  We know that because ancient writings claim that Neanderthals taste just like chicken.

 

Chicken McNugget Sells for $8K:  Three years ago a Nebraska woman noticed one of her McDonald’s Chicken McNuggets resembled President George Washington, put it in the freezer and then decided to auction it off on eBay to raise money for her church’s summer camp where it sold for over $8,100.  Pity the poor guy when he sobers up and realizes that he paid over $8 thousand for a Chicken McNugget that “kind of” looks like George Washington.

 

Women Not Fond of Beards:  According to the Daily Mail, psychologists in a recent study found that most women really don’t care all that much for men with beards.  You can bet Freud would definitely have something to say about that.

 

Maria & Arnold Trying Therapy:  Sources reportedly told the New York Post that Maria Shriver really doesn’t want to divorce Arnold Schwarzenegger because of religious reasons (she’s Catholic), and that the two are going to “couples’ therapy.”  Unfortunately, Arnold has reportedly already committed a huge faux pas by asking if it would be possible to change their “couples’ therapy” into a threesome.

 

Rents Getting Higher:  Across the country, as more people are competing for apartments in the wake of the housing collapse, the market has swung in favor of landlords, with rents heading towards the sky.  No kidding, in fact the place I rent is so expensive, I only rent out the bathroom.

 

Grandmother to Audition for Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders:  A 55-year-old grandmother is looking forward to auditioning to become a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader, despite the fact that she’ll be competing against women who are more than half her age.  What else can she do?  She’s way too young to be a back-up dancer for the Rolling Stones. 

 

Man Arrested After Cooking His Own Burger at Denny’s:  A well-dressed, 52-year-old man told employees that he was the new manager of a Denny’s restaurant in Wisconsin – then proceeded to cook himself a cheeseburger and fries – is now facing charges after employees called the police.  Employees say they immediately knew the man was a fraud because no Denny’s manager would ever be caught dead doing any work like cooking something themselves.

 

Possible Asteroid Danger:  Scientists at a United Nations meeting in Vienna say they’re keeping a close eye on a large asteroid that may pose an impact threat to Earth in a few decades.  In related news, its being reported that an rogue asteroid just fell on a group of scientists who were meeting in Vienna.

 

Roaming Planets Not Associated With a Star:  A new study suggests that our Milky Way galaxy may be teeming with rogue planets that simply ramble through space and not in orbit around or associated with any star.  Scientists are quick to point out that sadly, any inhabitants of planets such as these would be frequently bombarded with massive roaming charges.

Wrinkles Can Predict Bone Density:  Yale scientists have found that the more wrinkles a woman has in her early menopause years, the lower her bone density.  Not surprisingly, they may also determine how densely you get boned.

 

Women Who Don’t Assume Husband’s Name:  In a recent survey of college age people, respondents were surprisingly three times more likely to say that if a woman didn’t take her husband’s last name upon marriage, she was less committed to him and their future together.  Researchers found that this was especially true in instances where the wife decides to take their next door neighbor’s name instead.

 

Google Glasses Coming Soon:  The New York Times is reporting that Google is preparing to market a pair of glasses that will stream real-time information right to its lenses, costing between $250 and $600 and be available by the end of 2012.  In addressing concerns, Google says the only safety issue they are aware of is that users are about 100 times more likely to get brain cancer.

 

Speed of Light Error:  Researchers say they’ve found a flaw in the technical setup of an experiment that startled the science world last year by appearing to show particles traveling faster than the speed of light.  Luckily, the diligent scientists were able to catch their at almost lightning speed.

 

People Look 9 Years Younger After Plastic Surgery:  In a recent study, researchers are reporting that after plastic surgery, people looked 9 years younger than their actual age.  Which, if I’m doing the math correctly, is perhaps one of the best arguments against performing plastic surgery on someone under 9 years of age.

 

Infants Understand Words at 6-Months:  New research indicates that infants as young as 6 months can understand the meaning of many spoken words.  Which has many parents saying “oh shit!”

 

Some Alzheimer’s Drugs May Impair Memory:  A new study in animals suggests a class of drugs being investigated to treat Alzheimer’s disease may actually have the opposite effect of the original intent — they actually may impair memory.  The good news is that most of the patients using those drugs probably won’t know the difference.

 

Lawmaker Feels Radical Girl Scouts Destroying American Family Values:  According to Indiana Rep. Bob Morris, there’s an agenda behind those cookies the Girl Scouts sell, one bent on promoting communism, lesbianism and subverting “traditional American family values.”  Thank goodness we have elected officials like Rep. Morris around who realize that America needs to stop wasting all its time and precious resources chasing down groups like al-Qaeda when the real threat to America is right in front of our noses – the local Girl Scout troop.

 

Lindsay Lohan Set to Play Elizabeth Taylor:  TV executives have reportedly agreed to let Lindsay Lohan play screen siren Elizabeth Taylor in a new TV movie, just as long as she keeps out of trouble.  Well, they both seem to share a love for fine jewelry, the only difference being that Liz actually paid for hers.

 

Important Jellyfish Information:  The latest issue of Smithsonian Magazine claims that jellyfish are essentially a boneless, spineless, bloodless and brainless species whose mouth also doubles as their anus.  Wow!  Now I have no idea what the Smithsonian has against jellyfish, but this is the kind of hateful name calling one would expect from some hate group, not a respected scientific institution.

 

Anniversary of the Twist:  This year marks the 50th anniversary of Chubby Checker’s hit song “the Twist,” which started a huge dance craze back in the early 1960’s.  Unfortunately, about the closest that Chubby Checker comes to doing the twist these days is trying to twist the cap off his prostate medicine.

 

Riverdance Ending Tours in North America:  The extremely popular Irish stepdancing troop “Riverdance,” which has been touring continuously in North America since 1996, announced it had decided to end its North American touring in order to concentrate on new markets in South America, India and China.  So, apparently our rivers are no longer good enough for these folks.  

 

Pope Creates New Cardinals:  During a solemn ceremony, Pope Benedict XVI elevated 22 fellow churchmen to Cardinals.  In a rather surprising twist, all of the new Cardinals were instructed to report to Jupiter, Florida by March 5th for the first spring training game against the Miami Marlins.

 

LA County Worker Arrested in Prostitution Sting:  A Los Angeles County Department of Public Works employee was arrested for soliciting a prostitute along Lankershim Boulevard in the Sun Valley area of Los Angeles while on duty and driving a government truck.  Apparently he misunderstood when his supervisor told him to keep on “trucking.”

 

San Diego Police in Stand-Off With Empty Car:  San Diego Police were red-faced after being involved in a tense, two-hour armed standoff with what turned out to be simply an empty car on the freeway.  Fortunately, the only injuries reported were to the officer’s pride.

 

Electric Cigarette Explodes:  Fire officials say that a Florida man who was trying to kick the smoking habit was puffing on an electronic cigarette when a faulty battery caused it to explode in his mouth, taking out some of his front teeth, a chunk of his tongue and severely burning his face.  And you can bet he really needed a cigarette after going through all that.

 

Study Finds Link Between Selfishness And Mobile Phone Use:  Two University of Maryland studies appear to confirm a long-held suspicion about cellphone use – that when people are using or thinking about their cellphones, they are significantly more likely to engage in what is culturally defined as selfish behavior.  Researchers add that had someone placed a cellphone into poor Mother Teresa’s hands, she would most likely have been remembered as a totally selfish, self-centered bitch.

 

TSA’s Detain Actress Over Hairpiece:  Actress Gabrielle Union was stopped by airport security officials when her hairpiece caught the eye of Transportation Security Administration agents, who thought Union might have been hiding something in her hair weave.  Which pretty much explains why Donald Trump only flies on private jets.

 

Dogs Able to Read Our Facial Expressions:  A study published in the journal Current Biology, suggests that dogs are able to read our “communicative intent” — that is, our intention to interact with them — via our faces, an ability that very young humans possess.  And then lose once they become teenagers.

 

Porn Site Hacked:  A hacker claims to have compromised the personal information of more than 350,000 users after breaking into a website operated by pornography provider Brazzers.  Now that’s a switch, a porn site getting hacked-off.

 

Shipwreck With $3 Billion Cargo Found:  A shipwreck hunter says that he has found the wreck of a World War II merchant ship that was torpedoed by a German U-boat off Cape Cod with a load of platinum now valued at $3 billion — perhaps the richest hoard ever discovered at the bottom of the sea.  Analysts say that without this new source of platinum, musicians would most likely have been forced to limit sales of their albums to under 1 million.

 

Oldest Living Thing on Earth:  Ancient patches of a giant seagrass in the Mediterranean Sea are now considered the oldest living organism on Earth after scientists dated them to be up to 200,000 years old.  Scientists speculate that this seagrass may actually be older than many of the acts that perform at Superbowl halftime shows.

 

American Students Less Proficient in Science:  A new study shows that American students are becoming less proficient in science which has educators worrying that, if the trend continues, we will become a nation of science illiterates.  Republicans counter that science degrees have never been necessary to persecute intellectuals and homosexuals, let alone to use Facebook and Twitter.

 

Christian Model Says Tells Victoria’s Secret Goodbye:  Victoria’s Secret model Kylie Biscotti says she has decided to stop modeling in underwear because it conflicts with her Christian beliefs.  Wow!  Wonder if that means she’s gonna model without underwear on? 

 

MIA Flips the Bird:  Many Superbowl fans are up in arms because M.I.A., who joined Madonna on stage in Lucas Oil Stadium to help sing Give Me All Your Luvin, appeared to flip the middle finger to the camera and therefore the rest of the world.  Its almost enough to make you yearn for the good old days when entertainers were content to simply expose themselves.

 

The Spread of Alzheimer’s:  Two new studies in mice have determined that Alzheimer’s disease appears to spread like an infection from brain cell to brain cell, but instead of viruses or bacteria, what is being spread is a distorted protein known as “tau.”  Researchers say that tau was long over-looked in the scientific community because sadly, most scientists just assumed that tau was something used to garnish salads at one of those fancy restaurants over in Beverly Hills.

 

Cancer Group Backs Down:  Nancy G. Brinker, the polished Republican donor and founder of the Susan G. Komen for the Cure foundation, has backed down on her organization’s plan to cut off funding to Planned Parenthood.  The Tea Party says it remains undeterred by this setback and promises to continue their campaign to ensure “unplanned parenthood.”

 

Angelo Dundee Dies:  Angelo Dundee, one of boxing’s most legendary trainers who trained Muhammad Ali among others, has died at the age of 90 of natural causes.  Sports analysts say this pretty much rules out any possibility of a Muhammad Ali comeback.

 

Conservative Republicans Have Best Sex:  According to Match.com Sex Survey, conservative Republicans reported having the highest frequency of orgasm of all of the survey respondents, despite having the least amount of sex.  That’s probably because when a conservative Republican screws someone, they’re really, really screwed good.

 

Neuroscientists Attempt Turning Thoughts Into Speech:  Scientists say that through a kind of surgical wiretapping they were able to translate brain electrical signals back into single words heard by patients, with 89% accuracy, raising the possibility that brain sensors could help people speak through a computer simply by thinking what they want to say.  Wow, a computer that can verbalize what we’re thinking!  All I can say is, with advances in science like this – we’re all in big trouble.

 

Pennsylvania Middle School Bans Uggs:  The Mercury News reports that administrators at a middle school in Pennsylvania were tired of kids hiding cell phones in their boots—so they’ve banned Uggs as well as all other boots.  If that’s the case, I guess its a good thing the kids weren’t hiding the cell phones in their underwear.

 

The Pleasure of Scratching:  According to a new study, scratching an itch brings us pleasure, but exactly how much pleasure we get depends on exactly where on the body the itch is located.  As to which area is most pleasurable, well that still has researchers scratching their heads, who remind us that this study only scratches the surface.

 

Overtime Linked to Depression:  A new study in the journal PLoS ONE shows that people who work overtime (11 or more hours a day), have a more-than-doubled risk of a major depressive episode, compared with people who work the more-standard seven to eight hours a day.  The points out that workers don’t immediately become depressed, it just happens over time.

 

Divorce and Hair Loss in Women:  According to a new study, all the stress from getting divorced can result in hair loss in women.  Men, on the other hand, have already pulled out most of their hair by the time their divorce is finalized.

 

New Zealand Shoots Stranded Whales:  Conservation staff in New Zealand had to put down 33 whales who had beached themselves after several attempts to refloat them resulted in their coming right back ashore.  Conservation officials say it was almost like dealing with 33 Italian cruise ship captains.

 

Study Claims Marijuana Doesn’t Harm Lungs:  Smoking a joint once a week or so apparently doesn’t harm the lungs, according to a 20-year study that bolsters evidence that marijuana doesn’t do the kind of damage tobacco does.  The study did spark some controversy, however, after it was disclosed that most of the research was conducted by Woody Harrelson.

 

Pork Can Stop Nosebleeds:  A new study by three doctors at the Detroit Medical Center found that “cured salt pork crafted as a nasal tampon” cured a girl with a rare hereditary disorder that caused incessant nosebleeds.  Pork producers fear that if doctors continue associating pork with blood, its gonna become rather difficult for people to think of pork as “the other white meat.”

 

Iranian Actress Banned for Nudity:  The Daliy Telegraph is reporting that Golshifteh Farahani, a 29-year-old actress who became the first Iranian to star in a major Hollywood Film, has been banned from returning to Iran because she appeared partially nude in a film.  Of course in Iran, “partially nude” could very well mean some of her face or a small bit of her hair was showing.

 

Madonna Doesn’t Cook:  In an interview with ABC, pop icon Madonna admitted that she has never cooked a meal herself because she has employees to look after that stuff.  I really don’t think anyone really cares all that much that Madonna can’t cook, but its more the fact that she really can’t sing either that’s just so damn annoying.

 

Couple Tries to Blow Up Vehicle with Tampons:  A Pennsylvania couple has been charged with attempted arson, public drunkenness, and criminal mischief for attempting to blow up a 2006 Ford Fusion by stuffing tampons in the gas tank and motor oil compartment and igniting them.  Police say that had the couple been successful, it could have easily turned into a blood-bath.

 

Urinating Cat Draws Smoke:  One western Pennsylvania fire department learned that there’s not necessarily fire wherever there’s smoke after firefighters were called to a house where an electrical outlet on a floor was smoking, only to find that the smoke was because the family’s cat urinated into an electrical outlet.  Angry family members say they are in shock to learn that the cat would do such a thing, adding that they never even consider placing electrical devices in their cat’s littler box.

 

Scotland Pushes for Independence Vote:  The United Kingdom may not be united for long, if Scotland’s First Minister Alex Salmond has his way in pushing for a vote on whether to have greater independence from Britain.  Always a gracious host, Queen Elizabeth II has reportedly offered to put First Minister Salmond and his entire family up in the Tower of London if he ever decides to pay a visit.

 

Wayne Newton at Starbucks:  I was recently doing some writing at the Starbucks in Malibu when a man whom I am fairly certain was Wayne Newton walked in.  Aside from the fact that the guy looks like exactly like Wayne Newton, a woman opened the door for him and he said “Danke Schoen, oh darling Danke Schoen.”  I rest my case.

 

Cash-Strapped Greece to Rent Out Acropolis:  Strapped for revenue, Greece has announced it will begin renting some of its most well known archeological sites such as the Acropolis for about $2,000 per day.  Historians fear the site might be used to throw wild parties which could leave the place in ruins.

 

Country With Most Pot Smokers:  A recent survey determined that Australia and New Zealand have the most pot smokers, where up to 15% of residents between the ages of 15 and 64 used marijuana in 2009.  In related news, Willie Nelson announced that he plans to begin looking for property in Australia or New Zealand.

 

Human Head Found Near Hollywood Sign:  The LAPD is reporting that a human head has been found in a bag on  a hiking trail near the famous Hollywood sign.  Police suspect it may have been left there by someone trying to get a head in Hollywood.

 

Global Warming Leads to More Males:  Scientists say that one of the unexpected consequences of global warming and warmer water is that it results in a disproportionate amount of males being born.  In response, doctors are advising couples hoping to conceive a daughter not to do their messing around in hot tubs.

 

Stranded Snowshoer Burns Money to Stay Warm:  A snowshoer who became lost in a blizzard for two days on Washington state’s Mount Rainier said he stayed alive by digging out a snow tunnel and burning dollar bills to keep warm.  Search and rescue experts confirm that burning money was probably what kept the snowshoer alive and strongly recommend that anyone who may one day find themselves in a similar situation consider watching one of the Kardashian’s reality shows because no one really knows how to burn through money quite like the Kardashians do.

 

Stress Can Shrink the Brain:  Researchers at Yale University report in the journal Biological Psychiatry that stressful moments in life — like going through a divorce or family turbulence — can actually shrink the brain by reducing gray matter in regions tied to emotion and psychological function.  Researchers challenge anyone who doubts their conclusions to simply watch a few episodes of “Keeping Up with the Kardashians.”

 

Miss America 2012 Crowned:  Laura Kaeppeler, a 23-year-old beauty queen from Wisconsin, was crowned Miss America 2012 on Saturday after beating 52 other young women from across the United States.  Pageant watchers point out that because Kaeppeler is from Wisconsin, she will almost automatically smile when photographers say “cheese,” which gave her a tremendous edge over the girls from other states.

 

One in Six in US Binge Drinkers:  Researchers from the CDC have found that 38 million Americans, roughly a sixth of the adult population, are binge drinkers who over-indulge an average of 4.4 times a month, with Wisconsin having the highest percentage of binge drinkers, at 25.6%.  Guess that pretty much explains how Scott Walker got elected governor.

 

New Jersey Legislature Approves Quickie Marriages:  A bill has passed by the New Jersey Legislature would get rid of the 72-hour waiting period and would also allow couples to get divorced within 30 days of marriage without going to court.  And legislators are quick to point out that with all the casinos just down the road, you have the added benefit of being able to immediately place bets on just how long you think any of these “quickie marriages” are likely to last.

 

John Edwards Has Life-Threatening Heart Condition:  John Edwards’ doctor told the judge presiding over Edwards upcoming court case over possible campaign violations that ex-presidential candidate has a life-threatening heart condition that will require surgery next month.  Prosecutors strongly objected, pointing out that there’s no evidence to show that Edwards even has a heart.

 

Tebow Poses Shirtless in Underwear Ad:  Denver quarterback Tim Tebow is taking on a new role as advertising sex symbol, appearing shirtless and posing for Jockey’s “Sport” underwear collection.  Its enough to make you join Tebow in prayer that they stick with quarterbacks and never decide to use an offensive lineman in their underwear ads.

 

Malaysian Leader Not Guilty of Sodomy:  Malaysian opposition leader Anwar Ibrahim has been found not guilty of sodomy with a male aide after a judge threw out the case because the DNA evidence was not reliable.  In other news, attorneys for Jerry Sandusky announced they will file a motion to have his trial moved to Malaysia.

 

Woman Shoots Intruder:  Authorities say they don’t plan to file charges against an Oklahoma mother who fatally shot a New Year’s Eve intruder at her house while she had a 911 dispatcher on the phone.  Ironically, the woman wasn’t even aware there was an intruder, but was just firing off shots to celebrate the New Year.

 

Kardashians May Soon Become Barbies:  Mattel has just announced plans to release limited-edition Barbies inspired by the Kardashians.  Not too much of a stretch there.  I thought they already were basically Barbies, just with darker hair.

 

Closing Stores:  Sears Holding announced that they will be forced to shut down up to 120 Sears and Kmart stores due to a drop in holiday sales.  Company officials are making every effort to reassure the buying public that there still will be plenty of places around where people can buy cheap junk.

 

Vermont Rated Healthiest State:  Vermont has again been named the healthiest state in the nation, topping the list for a fifth straight year thanks in part to a high rate of high school graduation and low incidence of infectious disease.  As for the unhealthiest state, researchers said that usually turns out to be any state where Lindsay Lohan happens to be at the time.

 

Eastman Kodak Bankruptcy:  The Wall Street Journal reports that Eastman Kodak may file for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection as soon as this month or early next if it cannot sell its digital patents.  Guess its not a very pretty picture.

 

Job Interview Mistakes:  A survey of hiring managers ranks answering a cellphone call or returning a text message as the most common mistakes made during a job interview.  Another major faux paux would be telling an interviewer “pardon me, I should take this call, its my drug dealer,” that is, unless you’re applying for a job at a crack house.

 

Chimps Warn Unaware Friends of Dangers:  Chimps, our closest animal cousins, emit “soft hoots” to warn their unaware friends about the unseen danger, however, in a kind of cleverness once seen as unique to people, field biologists discovered that these same chimps don’t bother hooting a warning to other chimpanzees who are already alert to the dangers.  On the other hand, maybe they just don’t give a hoot about them.

 

Police Rescue Dogs Bound for Slaughter House:  Police in the northern Philippines say they’ve rescued about 60 dogs that were on their way to a slaughterhouse where they would have been killed and sold for their meat.  Its enough make you wonder, doesn’t anyone eat cats anymore?

 

LA Police Officer Shoots Self in Foot:  An LA Police Officer was injured when he shot himself in the foot in a police cruiser while responding to a call in South Los Angeles.  To make matters worse, when he filed the report, he stabbed himself right in the back.

 

World’s Largest Telescope:  The European Southern Observatory’s plan to begin construction of the world’s largest telescope — the European Extremely Large Telescope — will take a big step forward in 2012 now that early funding for the project has been secured.  Critics of the project say they fear that the telescope’s powerful lens will be primarily used to check out hot chicks and not to peer into the cosmos.  

 

Romney Says PBS Should Have Commercials:  GOP presidential candidate Mitt Romney says he wants to reduce the deficit by bringing commercials to PBS.  Yea, like “Romney for President” commercials perhaps?

 

Women’s Health Issues:  New research indicates that when asked to rate their own health, women consistently report being in worse health than men do, even if they’re in reasonably good health.  Researchers say you’d have to be really sick to think like that.

 

Fewer Americans Are Married:  Just 51% of Americans over the age of 18 are married, according to the Pew Research Center, which represents a 6% drop from 2000.  Guess we have Kim Kardashian to thank for that.

 

Maria Shriver Considering Taking Arnold Back:  TMZ is reporting that Maria Shriver is considering taking Arnold Schwarzenegger back despite his affair, apparently being swayed by her strong Catholic religious beliefs and some “extremely sweet” gestures Arnold has been making of late.  Unfortunately, most of the “extremely sweet gestures” he’s been making have been primarily directed toward other women, but they were sweet just the same.

 

Woman Set On Fire in Elevator:  Police say a man has confessed to killing a woman by dowsing her with a flammable liquid and then setting her on fire in a Brooklyn elevator.  As his defense, the man claimed that the elevator was extremely cold and she was the only thing around that looked like it would burn.

 

Happiness on the Decline:  A study conducted by the University of Vermont has determined that happiness levels are on the decline after tracking the tone of billions of tweets sent over the last three years.  Yea, while happiness may be declining, it appears that spying on people’s tweets by the University of Vermont isn’t.

 

France Asks Women to Remove Dangerous Implants:  The French government said that the tens of thousands of women who received potentially dangerous breast implants should have them removed, and the state will foot the bill.  The French government says there is nothing wrong with the implants themselves, but feels that its just not safe for that many French women to have large breasts.

 

Sleepwalked to Her Death:  Police say a New Jersey woman may have sleepwalked to her death after the body of Charlene Ferrero, 55, was found in a lake near the town of Oaklyn, N.J.  What a shame that she never learned to “sleepswim” also.

 

“Dear Leader” Mourned:  Tens of thousands of mourners packed Pyongyang’s snowy main square to pay respects to late North Korean leader Kim Jong Il.  I’m totally shocked.  I didn’t even realize that Kim Jong was Il.

 

Margarine Heist:  Authorities say a thief who slipped away with $50,000 worth of margarine awaiting delivery to a Cedar Falls Target warehouse remains at large even though the truck that carried the payload has been recovered.  The thieves reportedly tried to pass the margarine off as butter, but the deal fell through after buyers said they just couldn’t believe it was butter.

Value of a Mediterranean Diet:  A new study says that elderly people who eat a Mediterranean diet — which is high in fish and vegetables and low in animal products like milk and red meat — have about a 20 percent increased chance of living longer compared with their non-Mediterranean-eating counterparts.  Which of course is in contrast to some of the people who actually live along the Mediterranean, who have about an 80% increased risk of getting blown to smithereens.

 

Whoopi Goldberg’s Former Job:  Whoopi Goldberg confessed on “The View” that she used to make extra cash as a phone sex operator in a bid to supplement her income when she was struggling to make ends meet while chasing her acting dreams in Hollywood.  I tried having phone sex once, but found myself at a loss for words.

 

Meteorites Triggering Mars Avalanches:  A new study concludes that as meteorites careen toward the surface of Mars, they often trigger massive avalanches, even before they hit the ground.  Fortunately, no injuries have been reported.

 

Bacteria Can Live in Mars-Like Conditions:  U.S. researchers say microbes found in a lava tube in Oregon are thriving in Mars-like conditions — near freezing temperatures and low levels of oxygen.  I totally agree.  I haven’t been to any Oregon lava tubes, but I have been to downtown Portland enough to know that quite a few of the people you run into there could very easily be from somewhere like Mars.

 

How Humans Began Socializing:  Oxford University researchers say our primate ancestors were originally solitary creatures that lived alone and foraged by night, but millions of years ago they began moving around in daylight, which put them at greater risk of predators so they quickly formed groups to reduce their chances of being attacked.  Makes you wonder why they just didn’t connect on Facebook.

 

Boy Bites Kidnapper:  A 6-year-old Monrovia, California boy who was kidnapped from his backyard managed to escape by biting the suspect.  The boy told police that kidnappers actually taste pretty good when they’re in season.

 

Attorney Claims Sandusky Was Teaching Youths Hygiene:  A new attorney on Jerry Sandusky’s legal team is suggesting that the former Penn State defensive coordinator’s habit of showering with young boys was because he was helping to teach the youths all about personal hygiene.  If so, this pretty much takes “oral hygiene” to a whole new level.

 

Former Illiterate Learns to Read at Age 96, Then Writes Book:  Jim Henry, a lifelong lobsterman who was illiterate throughout his life, first learned to read from fellow nursing home residents at age 96 and then went on to write a book which was published when he 98.  A first-time author at 98?  If I were him, I’d stick to writing short stories.

 

Japan Tsunami Debris Reaches West Coast:  Some debris from the March tsunami in Japan is now beginning to reach the West Coast, including portions of houses, boats, ships, furniture, portions of cars and just about anything else that floats.  Of course, most of this crap would still be coming here anyway, the difference being that they normally send it over by ship.

 

Overweight Child Placed in Foster Care:  County officials in Ohio have ruled that a third-grader who weighs more than 200 pounds be taken from his family and placed into Foster Care after county social workers said his mother wasn’t doing enough to control his weight.  Unfortunately for the poor, overweight child, a clerical error accidentally sent the boy to a Foster’s Freeze instead of Foster Care.

 

Fatal Airline Food:  The wife and daughter of the late Othon Cortes have filed a wrongful death suit against American Airlines and the contractor that prepared his inflight meal, alleging that Cortes died after eating a meal on a transatlantic American flight.  Now I have no idea whether eating airline food can actually kill you, but I can definitely testify to the fact that eating airline food can make you wish you were dead.

 

Ancient Winery Found:  A UCLA-led team has discovered a 6000-year-old winery in an Armenian cave.  The wine is expected to go on sale for $8.99 a bottle later this week at Trader Joe’s.

 

Costly Governorship:  Arnold Schwarzenegger told a newspaper in his native Austria that serving as California governor cost him at least $200 million.  Unfortunately, that’s just peanuts in comparison to what it ended up costing California for Arnold to serve as governor.

 

Gay Penguin Mates With Female:  Buddy, one of the now famous gay African penguins at the Toronto Zoo has mated with a female after being separated from Pedro, the male bird with whom he had built a nest.  Zoo officials say the situation looked basically hopeless until Dr. Marcus Bachmann was called in to teach the penguins all about the “birds and the bees” and how to pick up chicks.

 

Juices Thought to Contain Arsenic:  According to a new study by Consumer Reports, the apple and grape juice your kids are drinking most likely have high levels of arsenic.  The arsenic threat is believed to be so widespread that it threatens to turn average American households into scenes from 19th century crime novels.  In response, health officials are urging parents to play it safe and provide their thirsty children with freshly brewed black coffee instead.

 

Ryan Braun Flunks Drug Test:  Reigning National League MVP Ryan Braun of the Milwaukee Brewers, 28, has tested positive for a performance-enhancing drug, and the player now faces a 50-game suspension if the findings are upheld.  Not surprising, considering the Braun family’s troubled past with electric razors that don’t give close shaves, coffee machine recalls and who can forget Eva Braun.

 

Yoga Taught to Mexican Inmates:  The BBC reports that prison wardens in Mexico are reporting a drop in instances of violence within the detention center since a yoga program began with the goal of curbing aggression and teaching self-control to the young, male inmates.  Some of the yoga positions have been slightly modified by the guards such as “down dog” becomes “get down you lowly dog.”

 

American Airlines Responds to Baldwin:  American Airlines also used social media to explain its actions for booting Alec Baldwin from a flight for playing a word game on his cellphone as the plane was about to depart from Los Angeles.  While Baldwin has promised never to fly American again, he couldn’t promise that he won’t fly off the handle again.

 

Kansas City Meteorologist Commits Suicide:  Don Harman 41, the longtime morning meteorologist at WDAE in Kansas City, has died of an apparent suicide.  Friends and family say they were comforted by the fact that the service took place on a day that was partly cloudy with light and variable winds SSE at 10 to 15 MPH, highs in the low to mid 50‘s, and only a 20% chance of precipitation.

 

Many Middle-Age Americans Have Very Little Savings:  After a vicious decade of no growth for the stock market, including two 401(k)-eating bear markets and persistently sky-high unemployment, more Americans are finding themselves in their 50s and 60s with practically no money saved for retirement.  Sadly, about the only thing anyone in this age group seems to have saved are old Grateful Dead ticket stubs.

 

Cat Eats Cable Wires:  My internet was down and the cable guy discovered that my cat Pikey had bitten through the cable wires. I was so mad I slapped a $5000 fine and a two week suspension on him. Do you think I may have overreacted?

 

Rats Can Show Compassion:  New experiments from the University of Chicago show rats demonstrating compassion and helping other rodents, a trait some scientists thought was reserved only for humans and higher primates.  Which means I was obviously in error when I referred to Congress as “a bunch of rats.”

 

Six Walton Heirs Worth Same as a Third of Americans:  A new report determined that the six children of Walmart’s founders, Sam and James “Bud” Walton, had the same net worth in 2007 as nearly one third of American wage earners.  What people don’t seem to understand is that these children worked their way up through the ranks, starting out as a pampered, privileged children of wealthy billionaires, then as students at some of America’s most exclusive academies, until they finally became major stockholders in one in the world’s richest corporations after their parents died and left them all their assets.

 

Most Expensive Car Crash Ever:  At least eight Ferraris, two Mercedes, and a Lamborghini were among 14 cars involved in what is believed to be the most expensive car pile up ever (estimated at nearly $4 million), which took place along the Chugoku Expressway near Shimonoseki, Japan.  Witnesses described the crash scene as looking about as bad as Lindsay Lohan at 7 AM after she’d been up partying all night.

New Habitable Planet Kepler-22b Discovered:  Excited NASA scientist are announcing the discovery of a new planet which resides in what is believed to be a “habitable zone” and is thought to have Earth-like characteristics which the are calling Kepler-22b.  Personally, I see no reason to get excited until they find a Kepler 22dd.

Radiation Found in Japanese Baby Formula:  Japanese food and candy maker Meiji Co. said it was recalling their canned powdered milk for infants as a precaution because of small amounts of radiation found in the formula.  Which in hindsight, may explain why so many mothers were giving the formula glowing reviews.  

Child Suspended for Calling Teacher Cute:  After a substitute teacher overheard a 9-year-old North Carolina boy tell another student that a teacher was “cute,” school officials put the child on two-day suspension for sexual harassment.  There’s a valuable lesson for a child to be learned here and that is that he probably wouldn’t be in this situation in the first place if had he just called his teacher “a bitch” instead of “cute.”

Airport Body Scanner Danger:  The head of a Florida commuter group is cautioning anyone who flies several times a week about a new report that claims there may be a link between airport body scanners and cancer.  The nation’s TSA’s are disputing the claim, saying there is little chance that scanning machines could get cancer.

Sandusky Proclaims His Innocence:  In his first on-camera interview since his sex scandal broke, former Penn State assistant coach Jerry Sandusky told the New York Times that he’s not the kind monster everyone makes him out to be.  I see his point.  If someone has worked very hard to become a certain kind of monster, you don’t want to have anyone confusing you with another kind of monster.

Christie Brinkley Facing Tax Lien:  The New York Daily News reports that Supermodel Christie Brinkley is being ordered to pay $531,000 in back taxes.  Brinkley claims she was advised by her accountant that she fell under the IRS’s “too pretty to worry about taxes clause.”

Herman Cain Suspends Campaign:  Plagued by allegations of sexual harassment and marriage infidelity, businessman Herman Cain announced that he is officially suspending his campaign for president of the United States.  Cain reassured disappointed supporters that while his presidential campaign may be coming to an end, his campaign to get as much tail as humanly possible will continue on.

Earth Bound Objects Alerts:  Experts have begun debates about how they’ll deal with the uncertainties, misunderstandings and political wrangling that will be sparked by alerts over dangerous objects that appear to be on a collision course with Earth.  Conferees say that if such an event were to occur, the last thing we need is everyone making an astroid out of themselves.

Meth Addicts Looting Archaeological Sites:  Archaeologists frequently report rampant thefts of antiquities from their dig sites worldwide, but U.S. archaeologists are unique in reporting run-ins with methamphetamine addicts bent on looting dig sites.  In response, scientists are urging anyone who may stumble upon something that they feel could be archaeologically significant, not to call in a meth addict.

Link Between Violent Video Games and Aggression:  Researchers at the Indiana University School of Medicine in Indianapolis are using functional magnetic resonance imaging of the brain to establish a link between violent video games and aggressive behavior.  A follow-up study pretty much confirmed the aggression hypothesis after study participants beat up all the researchers.

Cattle Rustling Increases:  As a further sign of hard economic times, incidents of cattle rustling are on the rise in many of our Southern and Midwestern states.  I have to admit that I even tried to force a steer to get into my car, but decided against it only because it became pretty obvious that the seat belt would never close properly.

Facebook Developing a Phone:  Facebook has the tech world buzzing after announcing that they are developing a phone.  Not to be undone, MySpace announced they’re also developing a phone.  Early reports say the phone will only be available in solid black and will most likely be rotary dial.

No More Cavities:  A UCLA microbiologist has concocted a mouthwash that appears to completely kill the bacteria in human mouths that cause dental cavities.  In other news, a group of angry dentists have reportedly killed a UCLA microbiologist who concocted a mouthwash that appears to kill the bacteria that causes dental cavities.

Sex Addiction Increases:  New data indicate that sex addiction is near epidemic in the US as people in record numbers are being diagnosed as sex addicts.  Health officials express concern that if this trend continues, shows such as Oprah, Dr Phil and Jerry Springer could be overwhelmed.

Syracuse Fires Assistant Coach:  Syracuse University fires assistant basketball coach Bernie Fine after allegations of sexual abuse by former ball boys.  Sounds like Coach Fine must have taken the designation “ball boys” a bit too literally.

Humans and Neanderthals Coexisted Together:  In what may extend the story of early human migration, two fossil tooth studies suggest that humans and our Neanderthal relatives actually shared Europe for millennia.  This is in contrast to those unfortunates who had to spend Thanksgiving with their Neanderthal relatives for what probably seemed like a millennia.

Many Never Met Their Facebook Friends:  A recent survey showed that the average Facebook user has never even met at least 7 percent of their Facebook “friends.”  To make matters worse, there doesn’t appear to be enough people willing to introduce them.

Radioactive Rice:  Japan announced a ban on rice produced near the crippled Fukushima nuclear power plant after the rice tested positive for radioactive contamination.  I guess you can more or less suspect radioactive contamination when you have rice that microwaves itself.

Antibiotic Abuse:  Researchers are exploring the possibility that antibiotic abuse may not only be contributing to the increasing incidence of allergies, inflammatory bowel disease, asthma and gastroesophageal reflux, but may also be a factor in obesity.  Antibiotics linked to obesity?  And just where is one supposed to find justice in a world where even antibiotics are fattening?

Retaliation For Cyber Attacks:  The Pentagon will soon issue a new strategy declaring that cyberattacks are “acts of war,” which means the U.S. could retaliate with a military response.  And while most teens are busy cruising the malls, teen hackers may be dodging cruise missiles.

A Kindness Gene Discovered:  A new study in the journal Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences determined that people who are empathetic, caring and trust others are most likely that way because of their DNA makeup.  Researchers add that there is almost always a rather substantial group of people in any population who do not possess even the slightest degree of this DNA responsible for caring, empathy and trust, which here in America are known as Republicans.    

Megyn Kelly Claims Pepper Spray Essentially a Food Product:  With public outrage growing over images of police showering peaceful Occupy protesters with pepper spray at UC Davis, Fox News’ Megyn Kelly helpfully reminded viewers that pepper spray is nothing more than a “derivative of pepper … it’s a food product essentially.”  So if I’m understanding this correctly, Fox News sees the entire incident simply as nothing more than kindly police providing demonstrators with a lite lunch.

Schwarzenegger Injured on Movie Set:  Arnold Schwarzenegger was forced to halt production on his new movie and seek medical attention for a gash on his forehead he received during filming.  Arnold played down the incident, pointing out that the gash to his forehead is nothing compared to some of the gashes he’s had on his foreskin.

Einstein’s Brain On Display:  Microscope slides containing thin slices of Albert Einstein’s brain will go on display at Philadelphia’s Mutter Museum, thanks to a donation from a neuropathologist.  The thin brain slices will be served to visitors along with crispy, whole grain crackers, Smoked Gouda and Cheddar Cheeses topped with a Sweet Germanic Mustard.

Lone-Wolf Terrorist Arrested:  New York City authorities said they have thwarted a plot by a Dominican-born Muslim convert to blow up post offices and police stations with crude pipe bombs.  Wow, this guy was serious targeting both police and postal workers?  Those are the two most armed and dangerous groups of people in the entire US.

Woman Defriended on Facebook Sets Fire to Friend’s House:  A 30-year-old Iowa woman has been arrested for allegedly setting fire to the house of a long-time friend because she “defriended” her on Facebook.  In response, Facebook is cautioning everyone considering “defriending” someone to make certain that their fire insurance premiums are current.

Americans Not Moving Anymore:  Shocking new data from the Census Bureau show that Americans last year moved at the lowest rate in recorded history.  No kidding, that’s because things are so bad that most people’s next move is out into the street.

Bonnie Pointer Arrested:  Los Angeles County authorities say singer Patricia “Bonnie” Pointer has been arrested for investigation of possessing rock cocaine after the car she was riding in was pulled over for a mechanical malfunction.  Police say they were able to discover the cocaine because Pointer was so excited, she just couldn’t hide it.

White House Shooter Claims to Be Jesus:  Police say that Oscar Ramiro Ortega-Hernandez, the man charged with attempting to assassinate President Obama, called himself a modern-day and President Obama the anti-Christ in a 45-minute video rant against the government which he planned to pitch to Oprah.  Authorities say before they decide whether or not to press charges, they plan to ask the five Republican presidential candidates who report having daily conversations with Jesus, if they are able to make a positive ID on Ortega-Hernandez.

Couple Engage in Sex Act in Back of Police Car:  A couple arrested in a Texas fast-food restaurant on drug charges engaged in a sex act in the backseat of a police car which was taking them to jail.  They must have been busted for Viagra.

Highest Smoking Rates:  Southern and Midwestern states continue to lead the pack in terms of highest smoking rates in the United States, according to the new Gallup-Healthways Well-Being Index, while states in the East and the West have the lowest smoking rates.  Most medical professionals are quick to point out that while the high smoking rates are troubling, its understandable because people in the Southern and Midwestern states really have nothing to live for.

IRS More Popular Than Congress:  According to a new poll, the IRS is now more than four times more popular than Congress with an approval rating of just 9%.  I guess you pretty much have to realize that people don’t like you all that much when you find yourself dreaming that you could just be as popular as Jerry Sandusky.

Most Expensive Photo Ever Taken:  Andreas Gursky’s “Rhine II,” a photograph which showcases a desolate, featureless landscape, the parallel lines of a road, the Rhine River as well as the horizon, has become the most expensive photograph ever taken when it sold at Christie’s Auction House for $4.4 million.  A Christie’s spokesperson said the buyer most likely will not comment on the purchase until he’s completely sober.

Chanel to Offer “Jersey” Perfume:  Legendary French fashion and fragrance house Chanel has created a new perfume called “Jersey,” which they describe as ”relaxed chic with a dash of liberation.”  A perfume named after New Jersey?  I guess that would be “Chanel No. 2.”

Schwarzenegger to Write Memo:  Arnold Schwarzenegger has signed a deal with Simon & Schuster to write a memoir, tentatively titled “Total Recall,” which will be published in October 2012.  Of course the memoir will most likely be full of “True Lies.”

LA Fire Captain Arrested for Buying Heroin:  Community leaders are expressing concern for public safety after a Los Angeles city fire captain was arrested for allegedly trying to purchase heroin from undercover police officers.  Fire officials say there was no danger to public safety in that the fire captain had only planned to sell the heroin and not actually use it.

Dangers of Sex With Animals:  A new study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine found that men who have had sex with animals were twice as likely to develop penile cancer as those who stick with their own species.  OK, but it kind of makes you wonder why anyone felt that there was a pressing need for a study like this.  Of course, there’s gonna be people in the South asking “why is it that everything fun in life seems to be bad for you?”  You have to suspect that your behavior is a bit over the top when Jeffrey Dahmer types are saying “wow, that’s really sick.”

Paintball a Safe Sport:  Insurance statistics show that paintball is one of the safest sports there is, with fewer injuries per exposure than sports such as golf and bowling.  I don’t know about paintball, but I think its about time the public is finally told about the dangers of golf and bowling.

New Diabetes Test:  Scientists at the University of Michigan say they have developed a new diabetes test that can utilize tears to measure glucose levels and therefore eliminate the need for those painful pricks to the skin.  I don’t know.  I just keep thinking its gonna take more than a new diabetes test to eliminate all the painful pricks in our lives.

Not Comfortable with Mormon President:  According to a new poll, 62 percent of Republicans say they are uncomfortable with the idea of having a Mormon president.  Which is kind of odd because, after watching the debates, most of them appear quite comfortable supporting a moron for president.

Got Milk Ads Coming Back:  The National Dairy Council announced that they plan to come out with more of their classic “got milk?” ads this holiday season.  If they want to make a real impact with these ads, I suggest they use old video of Michael Jackson asking Dr Conrad Murray that question.

Airline to Offer Porn on Flights:  Low-cost European airline Ryanair is reportedly planning to offer pornography as an in-flight entertainment option.  Well then you can pretty much bet that the seats aren’t gonna be the only thing on the plane that will be in the full, upright position.

Ex-Penn State Coach Charged with Abuse:  Jerry Sandusky, who used to be the defensive coordinator for the Penn State football team, has been charged with used his position within the university and the community to repeatedly sexually abuse eight boys.  So, instead of heading off to Penn State, he’ll be heading off to the state pen.

Synthetic Skin Creator Dies:  Dr. John F. Burke, the scientist who created synthetic skin, which had been considered the holy grail in treating burn victims for a century, has died at age 89.  Ironically, his body was cremated.

Eating Junk Food Lowers Fertility in Men:  A joint study between fertility doctors at Harvard and Murcia University in Spain have has concluded that men who eat a high quantity of junk food have significantly weaker sperm, which are less likely to fertilize their partner’s egg.  So if I’m understanding this correctly, you can skip the condoms and just down a bag of Cheetos instead?

Ill Treatment of Circus Animals:  Game show host and animal rights activist Bob Barker is fighting for a new bill to stop what he terms the “heartbreaking” treatment of circus animals.  Its nice to hear that someone is finally sticking-up for the Kardashians.

Reese Witherspoon Angers PETA:  Reese Witherspoon, who has previously been voted PETA’s “World’s Sexist Vegetarian,” is drawing the ire of the animal rights group after being spotted in California carrying a $3,820 python skin purse.  What’s the problem?  She can still be a vegetarian unless she also ate the python.

Doctors Using Search Engines to Treat Patients:  A new survey published in “The Atlantic” shows that 46 percent of doctors frequently use sites like Google and Yahoo for treating, diagnosing or caring for their patients.  Yea, well let’s just hope they’re not using the “I’m Feeling Lucky” button.”

New Amy Winehouse Album:  Though Amy Winehouse is gone, fans will still get to hear some new music from a secret album to be released later this year, with part of the proceeds going to the Amy Winehouse Foundation.  The Amy Winehouse Foundation is a non-profit organization, dedicated to providing financial assistance to young men and women who aren’t yet in a position where they’re able to afford really good booze and drugs.  

Lohan Gets Teeth Whitened:  Lindsay Lohan, who was recently chastised in the tabloid press for her yellow teeth, has tweeted that she just had her teeth whitened by celebrity dentist Dr. Bill Doorman and that her teeth look really great, but adds that her gums are now real sore.  But enough about how she ended up paying for the whitening.  That should remain between she and her doctor.

Sony’s New 3D Headset:  Sony announced it will soon introduce a high-definition, three-dimensional display built into the visor of a headset called a Personal 3D Viewer which will totally transport the user into the whatever they are viewing without any outside interference.  Wow, could this be what all the hippies back in the 60’s could only dream about, a complete and total withdrawal from all reality without even having to use any drugs?

Rogue Great White May Have Killed Three in Australia:  The sudden death of an American diver in the jaws of a great white shark off Australia’s southwest coast has raised the specter of a rogue, predatory, man-eater preying on three men in two months at a renowned Australian aquatic playground.  Authorities say this is not to be confused with the rogue, predatory, man-eaters who prey on unsuspecting men in Beverly Hills.

Anniversary of the Telegraph:  This year marks the 150th anniversary of the completion of the transcontinental telegraph, which electronically knitted together a nation from sea to sea in what was really a primitive form of the Internet.  Thank goodness they’ve made some advancements since then, I can’t imagine trying to post on Facebook using Morse Code?

Lindsay Lohan Posing for Playboy:  Entertainment media is reporting that troubled actress Lindsay Lohan has just posed for Playboy Magazine for a reported $1 million.  Legal experts speculate that if she doesn’t blow it all, she should have enough money to cover bail, fines and rehab costs for her next two or three arrests.

Benefits of Coffee Drinking:  New research presented at an American Association for Cancer Research conference suggests daily coffee consumption may help reduce your risk of basal cell carcinoma, the world’s most common cancer.  And for those who purchase their coffee at Starbucks, it may also help reduce your net worth.

Distrust of Government:  A CBS/New York Times poll reports that the approval of Congress has sunk to its lowest level since 1977, with just 9% of Americans now approving of the job Congress is doing.  Perhaps the most frightening part of the entire study is that there’s 9% somewhere out there who still support them.

Dirtiest Surface:  According to a study released by personal hygiene giant Kimberly-Clark Corp, gas pump handles are the filthiest surface that Americans encounter on the way to work.  Researchers add that this is of course assuming that one doesn’t encounter Lindsay Lohan on the way to work.

California Hiker Killed by Oregon Hunter:  A California man who was hiking in Oregon has been killed by a hunter who mistook him for a bear.  Local officials say that while the incident is sad, its not completely unexpected given the fact that the victim was wearing a “Cal Bears” sweatshirt.

Japanese Tsunami Debris Headed This Way:  Some 5 to 20 million tons of debris–furniture, fishing boats, refrigerators–sucked into the Pacific Ocean in the wake of Japan’s March 11 earthquake and tsunami are moving rapidly across the Pacific toward Hawaii and the West Coast of the US.  Not that we don’t already have enough junk from Japan as it is.

Americans Not Eating Out:  More than half of all Americans say they’ve not gone out to eat in the past year, in what may be one of the clearest reflections yet of how the depressed economy is restricting choices for consumers.  The economy is so bad, about the only way anyone can afford to eat out these days is if they eat out of a garbage can.

Madonna’s Brother Homeless:  Madonna’s brother Anthony Ciccone is claiming his family deserted him when he hit hard times, losing his job at the family winery and being forced to sleep under a bridge in Traverse City, Michigan.  I’m not quite sure which is worse, having to live under a bridge or having to be in Traverse City, Michigan.

Social Security Increase:  Good news for retirees coming up in January, Social Security recipients will be getting their first cost-of-living increase since 2009.  Sadly, statistics show that many of them will likely blow most of it on crack cocaine, ecstasy or whatever else is available in those drug-laced, hell-holes where seniors typically congregate.

Gadahfi Killed:  Col. Moammar Gadahfi, the former Libyan strongman who fled into hiding after rebels toppled his regime, has been killed by rebel fighters battling the vestiges of his loyalist forces wrested control of his hometown of Surt.  Found on Gadahfi’s body was his last will and testament, which stated that his entire wardrobe should go to Elton John and that he really preferred that his last name be spelled with a “G” instead of a “K.”

People With Many Facebook Friends:  A new study suggests that people who have an extremely large amount of Facebook friends may also have certain regions of their brains which are larger.  Yea, and that region is called the ego.

Probe to Venus:  A Japanese space probe has reached Venus and is preparing to go into a two year orbit that will hopefully shed light on the planet’s climate.  NASA says that while its uncertain exactly what the Japanese will discover about Venus’ climate, you can just bet they’ll take lots of great pictures.

Escaped Predators:  Local residents are being urged to stay indoors while dozens of animals, including bears, lions, tigers, cheetahs and wolves were found to be on the prowl in eastern Ohio after the animal’s owner was mysteriously found dead.  Who would have ever guessed that Jurassic Park is actually in eastern Ohio?

Starbucks Worried About Climate Change:  Starbucks officials are expressing fears that climate change could endanger world’s coffee supply in as little as 10-30 years down the line.  Starbucks executives caution those who are inclined to think what’s the big deal, think “Postum lattes.”

Animals Shrink as Earth Warms:  Two researchers are claiming that as global temperatures rise this century, the result of human-caused climate change, many living things will shrink, thanks to a host of changes in the environment, as well as the direct effects of warming.  To which my ex-girlfriend said “don’t even think of blaming that on global warming.”

Arnold Schwarzenegger Museum Opens:  As a band played, action star-turned-politician Arnold Schwarzenegger inaugurated a museum dedicated to him in his native Austria.  Schwarzenegger told officials that he is very pleased with the museum, adding that the only thing that seems to be missing is a good cleaning lady.

U.K. to Change Succession Laws:  Prime Minister David Cameron’s government is moving ahead to change succession laws for the monarchy so a female will have the same opportunity to ascend to the throne that males currently have.  Unlike here in America, where guys who happen to share a residence with females are lucky if they ever get anywhere near the throne.

Underwear Bomber Pleads Guilty:  Accused “underwear bomber” Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab abruptly ended his trial by pleading guilty to all eight charges against him.  Abdulmutallab had originally plead “not guilty,” but had a change of heart and decided to go pubic with his confession.

Chocolate Lessens Stroke Risk in Women:  Good news for your sweet tooth — a Swedish study has found a link between high chocolate consumption (more than 45 grams a week) and a 20% decrease in stroke risk among women.  Researchers are cautioning the Charlie Sheen’s of the world not to expect the same health-benefits for consuming 45 grams of cocaine in a week.

PETA to Launch Porn Site:  PETA has announced that it will be launching a porn site that also draws attention to the plight of animals.  Why is it I keep thinking that Charles Manson is somewhere out there shouting “YES” at the top of his lungs?

Sleep Helps You Stay Thin:  Several new studies have determined that getting at least six hours of sleep appears to help people maintain a healthier weight.  If that’s true, then people who fall sleep at the gym must be super healthy.

Hockey Mom Arrested:  Kathia Maria Davis, a 44-year-old hockey mom in Orange County, California, has been arrested for allegedly having sex with at least two and possibly three of her teenage son’s teammates.  The attorney representing the hockey mom claims she simply misunderstood when coaches asked her if she would provide pucks for the team.

 

 

 

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