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Wednesday June 19 2013

In the News Archives Page 3

by Johnny Robish

© Copyright 2012

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Meat Dress:  Lady Gaga told Ellen DeGeneres that the controversial “meat” dress she wore at the MTV Video Music Awards was intended to make a statement which was “if we don’t stand up for what we believe in and if we don’t fight for our rights, pretty soon we’re going to have as much rights as the meat on our bones.”  And I truly believe with all my heart that if Groucho Marx were alive today, he wouldn’t change even one word in that statement.

No Vegetarian:  In a clip released from Bill Maher’s old “Politically Incorrect” show, Delaware Senatorial candidate Christine O’Donnell said that she once considered becoming a Hare Krishna, but didn’t want to give up eating meat.  She also said she once considered not running off at the mouth, but didn’t wanna give up eating her words.

Tsunami Risk:  A devastating 8.9 magnitude earthquake has hit Japan which raised a possibility that a tsunami could even hit along LA.  Many who live along LA’s fabled coastline were really concerned, with some expressing frustration over the fact that had they known about the potential for a tsunami, they wouldn’t have bothered getting their cars washed yesterday.

One Drug:  Due to a shortage of one of the usual execution drugs, Ohio has executed a killer for the first time using a single drug instead of the usual combination of two drugs.  During the exam following the execution, attending physicians say the prisoner reported feeling about half-dead.

Stroke Prevention:  Women who drink more than a cup of coffee a day have a 22% to 25% lower risk of stroke than those who drank less, a major study of women concludes.  Starbucks is calling the study nothing less than a “stroke of good luck.”

A Mom at Sixty:  The U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service announced that the oldest known free-flying bird in the United States, a 60-year-old albatross named Wisdom, is a new mother.  Ornithologists who’ve seen her confirm that attracting a mate would not have been an major obstacle due to the fact that even though she’s 60, she could easily pass for a bird in her early 40’s.

Bat Hibernation:  Some female bats wake up from hibernation to discover they are pregnant, having been impregnated in their sleep.  That’s the price some bats pay for “hanging” with the wrong crowd.

Joint Venture:  Stephen Hawking, one of the world’s leading astrophysicists, has recently teamed up with former astronaut Buzz Aldrin in an effort to promote space exploration.  Others claim all Hawking really wants to do is catch a good Buzz.

Deep Voices:  Evolutionary biologists say that while women find males who possess “deep voices” a real turn-on, those “deep voices” also tend to trigger fears of infidelity.  Men, on the other hand, are more likely to question the fidelity of women known for possessing “deep throats.”

People Going Hungry:  A new poll has found that 20% of Californians are really struggling to afford food.  In an effort to relieve suffering, state officials are urging hungry residents to avoid watching programs on networks such as “The Food Channel.”  

Bans Shark Fin Soup:  A recent bill proposed by the California Legislature aiming to end the sale and possession of shark fins, including serving the traditional shark’s fin soup in San Francisco’s Chinatown, is dividing the city of devoted foodies and environmentalists.  Perhaps the most controversial part of the bill is the portion that actually proposes feeding the foodies to the sharks.

Telling it Like it Is!  A new study found that doctors are reluctant to tell patients directly that they’re obese, even though obesity carries a very serious health risk.  Instead, it was found that doctors tend to beat-around-the-bush and side-step the issue by asking questions such as “have you ever thought about applying for a job as a stunt double on the new Chris Farley biography?”

Theater Chains in Violation:  The US Labor Department has fined three major movie theater chains for being in violation of child labor laws.  Sadly, officials say violations included forcing children to work on the dreaded “theater chain gangs.”

Dementia and Hearing Loss:  Researchers at Johns Hopkins say men and women who experience severe hearing loss are more than five times more likely than those with normal hearing to develop dementia.  All I can say is “I heard that.”

Highest Gas Prices:  AAA is reporting that California has passed Alaska and Hawaii for having the most expensive gas prices in the nation.  Fortunately, because people in California do very little driving, the impact is expected to be marginal.

Fewer Having Sex:  A federally fundedå study says that fewer teens and young adults are having sex.  Well some may see this as good news, my take on it is, if they can’t even get laid, where’s that leave the rest of us?

Regreats Gadhafi Gig:  At a news conference, Mariah Carey said she is embarrassed to have performed a concert linked to Libyan strongman Moammar Gadhafi and his clan.  Carey then apologized to the press for not having time to answer any of their questions, but said she was on her way to a Jared Lee Loughner fund-raiser and was running late.

Same-Sex Unions:  Lawmakers in Hawaii have approved a bill that would allow civil unions for same-sex couples.  Next on the agenda is a bill that would provide free porn for no-sex couples.

Self-Doubt:  Apparently humans aren’t the only ones filled with self-doubt and uncertainty, as a recent study found that certain monkeys question their own thinking as well.  Yea, like “what the hell was I thinking about when I volunteered to be part of that castration study at UCLA?”

Counties Dying Off:  The US Census reports that after being hit by an aging population and a poor economy, a record number of U.S. counties are experiencing more deaths than births in their communities.  Which is why regional governments and municipalities are fighting so hard to convince Bristol Palin or any of the Kardashian sisters to move into their districts.

No Political Ambitions:  George Clooney says he has no political ambitions whatsoever, pointing out that “I didn’t live my life in the right way for politics, you know,” he says. “I done too many chicks and way too many drugs, and that’s the truth.”  Meanwhile, Senator Harry Reid declared that he has no theatrical ambitions, pointing out that he couldn’t get laid if his life depended on it and that any drug stronger than an Extra-Strength Tylenol would probably kill him.

Suicide Novel:  A 35-year-old man who recently took his own life on the Harvard campus left behind a 1904 page suicide note.  I think someone who would feel the need to go 1904 pages for a suicide note probably is better off dead.  When asked if its known why the man killed himself, authorities say they’re fairly certain it wasn’t over having writers block.

Hawaii Songbird Numbers Decrease:  The endangered native Hawaii palila songbird, found only on the slopes of Mauna Kea volcano, is facing possible extinction as its numbers decline dramatically.  When asked what can be done to save the birds, state officials admitted that they haven’t looked into that as yet, but added that they have instructed lawyers to copyright all the songs so that no other songbirds can claim them should the palila songbirds eventually become extinct.

Fewer Chronically Hungry:  The number of people who are chronically hungry dropped for the 1st time in 15 years according to UN agencies.  A UN spokesperson added that there is no evidence that the drop in the chronically hungry had anything to do with the popularity of tailgate parties at professional sports events.

Pluto Red Going:  Astronomers say they are astounded to find that Pluto has dramatically changed its color and is significantly redder than it was before.  As if this election season isn’t going bad enough for the Democrats, now even Pluto’s going red.  Come to think of it, if Glenn Beck ever decides to throw his hat in the ring and run for elected office, Pluto seems to be the perfect place for someone with his special way of thinking to represent.

Fox News:  A recent survey from the Pew Research Center reports forty percent of Republicans say they watch Fox News Channel regularly, compared to 18 percent a decade ago, a strong factor in the network’s popularity.  Really?  I would have assumed that Fox’s largest viewership is comprised of staff writers at the Huffington Post, the Daily Show and Media Matters.

Traffic Deaths:  The Department of Transportation says that traffic deaths on our nation’s highways this past year have fallen to the lowest level since 1950.  Highway officials caution not to read too much into the statistics, pointing out that Lindsay Lohan’s driver’s license was suspended during much of that period which would inherently result in a significant reduction in traffic accidents.

Flirting:  According to the Social Issues Research Centre, the most common mistake people make when flirting is maintaining too much eye contact.  I could be wrong, bit I don’t think that its the eyes that guys spend too much time staring at.

More Veggies:  A new report put out by the CDC warns that Americans are eating less fruit and not enough veggies.  Guess my mom must have gotten a job at the CDC.

Shroom Therapy:  The hallucinogen found in the illegal substance known as magic mushrooms appears safe for treating the anxiety felt by patients who have advanced, terminal cancer, according to a new study.  Patients are still sick as hell, but now they don’t give a shit.

Chicago Violence:  Some intercity leaders are hinting that we may be spending more to keep the Iraqi public safe than we do here in the US, citing the fact that we have had nearly twice the violent deaths in Chicago this year than we have had in Iraq.  The White House acknowledged their concerns, but added that there are currently no plans to send Iraqi troops into Chicago at this time.  

Benefits of Exercise:  According to research reported in PLoS Medicine, exercise can reduce the genetic tendency toward obesity by 40%.  Now if they could just figure out how to reduce the genetic tendency toward ugly.

Adulterers Beware:  Lawmakers in the devoutly Muslim Indonesian province of Banda Aceh have voted unanimously that adulterers be stoned to death.  That’s as opposed to the US where many commit adultery because they are stoned.  As a precautionary gesture, the US Embassy issued a warning to pot heads traveling in the area that “being stoned to death isn’t a good thing.”

New Social Networking Site:  The FBI and other police agencies report that one of the ways they have been tracking criminals is by following their posts on social networking sites.  In fact, law enforcement is currently investigating a new site believed to be associated with the notorious Gambino Crime Family, its called “In Your Facebook.”

Hilton Busted:  Paris Hilton was arrested in Las Vegas for possession of a controlled substance after cocaine was found in her purse, a police spokesman says.  There goes her squeaky clean image!

Stuffed Animals:  Sociologists say a new survey surprisingly found that as many as one in four men admit to traveling with a stuffed animal.  The other respondents say they would never refer to their wives in those terms.

Married in Secret:  Spanish singer Julio Iglesias is reported to have secretly married his longtime girlfriend, Dutch model Miranda Ricjnsburger.  He probably had to marry her in secret to avoid problems with “of all the girls he loved before.”

Lied About Lying:  Levi Johnston, who announced that he’s running for mayor of Weasel, Alaska, went on CBS’s “The Morning Show” to say that when he said he lied about Sarah Palin, he was lying.  With double talk skills like that, no wonder people advised him he belongs in politics.

Pigs Sick:  In an interesting twist of events, pigs on a Minnesota farm are believed to have caught the swine flu from children.  Many of the pigs say they became sick as dogs and complained that they were treated like swine during the examination.

Space Weaklings:  NASA says a new study discovered that astronauts in their 40’s who spend 6 months in space have the muscle strength of 80-year-olds.  When informed of this, Roger Clemens promptly volunteered that he knows people who can help them get their strength back fast.

Another Anti-Gay Gay:  Former Republican National Committee Chairman and anti-gay marriage activist Ken Mehlman admitted in an interview that he just recently realized that he is gay.  Mehlman went on to add that while he has always been attracted to men, he never enjoyed listening to Bette Midler, Barbra Streisand or Judy Garland music, so he just assumed that he couldn’t really be gay.

No Bull:  A bull jumped into the stands and went after the crowd during a competition held in Spain, injuring at least 40 spectators.  An even spokesperson claimed that the bull mistakenly felt the crowd was taunting him and simply “jumped” to conclusions.

Not Dinosaurs:  Geologists say that the vast majority of the world’s oil arose not from the lumbering beasts on land such as the dinosaurs, but from tiny organisms at sea.  If that’s correct, that means that the only lumbering beasts associated with oil these days are the executives over at BP.

Old Leather Shoes:  Scientists are displaying a pair of 5500 year-old leather shoes they claim are the world’s oldest which were found in an area that is now Armenia.  Get serious!  I could swear I saw that same pair of shoes in a bin at the Salvation Army thrift store in Santa Monica.

Going Blind:  Conservative commentator Glenn Beck says he’s been diagnosed with a disease that could eventually blind him.  Sounds like someone didn’t listen to the nun’s warnings back in junior high.

Doesn’t Like Picture:  I posted a new picture of my cat Pikey here on my website and almost everyone thought he looked really cute except for Mel Gibson who said he looked like a Vegas whore.

Special Delivery:  Atlanta police say a thief stole a minivan with a newborn baby inside, then ditched the child on the to-go counter of a chicken-wing restaurant.  Authorities speculate that Angelina Jolie may not be aware of the incident because, as far as they know, there has been no attempt on her part to adopt the child.

Spying Case:  The 73 year-old great grandson of Alexander Graham Bell has been sentenced to life in prison without the possibility of parole for quietly spying for Cuba.  Its rumored he told Cuban leaders about the invention of the telephone.  Actually, the FBI should be somewhat grateful to the man considering that if it wasn’t for his family, they’d have no phones to tap.

Big Birthday: Beatle Ringo Starr has celebrated his 70th birthday.  Let’s hope he has a plentiful supply of Viagra because at 70 “you know he don’t cum easy.”

Big People Die Too:  Casket makers report a huge growth in extra large caskets, calling it a dignified way for families of the obese to find closure.  Makes sense.  How they gonna have closure if they can’t close the casket?

Bad Pop Star:  Mariah Carey is being sued by a veterinarian who says the pop star hans’t paid nearly $30,000 in bills for care to her three prized Jack Russell terriers.  I know how she must feel.  I stiffed my proctologist for the bill and he put me on his shit list.

Getting a Star:  Singer/songwriter Randy Newman has received a star on the “Hollywood Walk of Fame.”  As he started his acceptance speech, he said I’m gonna try and keep this “short people.”

Gary Coleman Dies:  Child actor Gary Coleman has died at age 42 after suffering a brain hemorrhage.  At first it seemed like that’s pretty young to die of a brain hemorrhage, but when I thought about his past, it all made sense.  After all, he was on “Different Strokes.”

Platinum Shotages: A European auto parts maker warns that shortages of platinum could result in shortages of catalytic converters which use the precious metal. Rock stars also expressed concern that if a new source of platinum isn’t found soon, their million-selling albums may go “cast iron.”

A Thinner iPhone:  The iPhone 4 was announced by Apple CEO Steve Jobs who said that the new phone is actually 25% thinner.  I don’t know about the iPhone, but Steve Jobs looks about 25% thinner since the last iPhone came out.

Storm Takes Many Lives: Tropical storm Agatha has killed 145 people in Central America.  A spokesperson from the National Oceanic and Atmospheric  Administration (NOAA) says that while they are still analyzing the data, this figure of 145 deaths appears to represent more people than were killed in all the Agatha Christie novels combined.

Jewelry Recalled:  Wal-Mart is pulling an entire line of Miley Cyrus brand necklaces and bracelets after tests found the jewelry contained high levels of the metal cadmium which isn’t dangerous if simply worn, but can be highly toxic if someone sucks on the jewelry.  Government officials asked for the recall when it became apparent that only suckers would actually buy this jewelry.

How Deep is the Ocean?:  A group of scientists at the Woods Hole Oceanographic Institution are using satellite measurements to get new estimates of how deep and the volume of water in the ocean.  This information may prove valuable.  With yet another oil spill, they may have to drain it.

Never to Late to Finish School:  A 94-year-old woman just graduated from Mills Collage, a liberal arts college in Oakland.  Where were her guidance councilors?  Liberal Arts may be a fun and interesting major, but what kind of career does she expect to have with that kind of education? 

Investment in Greece:  German Chancellor Angela Merkel announced that Germany will be investing $29 billion in Greece in an effort to help stabilize the European economy.  No wonder the European economy is in such bad shape if they’re investing all that money in a movie that’s over 30 years-old.

Ginkgo Biloba Study:  New research has determined that the popular food supplement Ginkgo Biloba does little or nothing to improve memory.  I can testify to that.  I bought some just the other day, brought it home and have no memory at all as to where I put it.

Fond of Gardening: Police in Sylacauga, Alabama say thieves broke into the garden center at Home Depot and stole over forty rare and expensive large Kentia Palms. Sounds like the work of your typical, garden variety crooks.

Tornado Strikes Hoover Facility: ATornado has struck Hoover’s manufacturing facilities in North Canton, Ohio doing severe damage to several of its buildings. Scientists speculate it may be due to the fact that nature abhors a vacuum.

Access to Alcohol:  Many airlines and airports are making it significantly easier for travelers to grab a drink at the airport as well as in the air.  It doesn’t take a genius to figure that one out.  First they get you good and drunk, and then they grope you.  

Largest Neutron Star:  U.S. astronomers say they’ve found the most massive neutron star ever discovered, pointing out that neutron stars are objects so dense that a thumbnail-size piece of material would weigh millions of tons.  Scientists say the only thing ever found to be more dense than neutron stars are people who take Glenn Beck seriously.

Happy About Birth:   A Romanian Gypsy woman whose 10-year-old daughter just gave birth in Spain says she’s delighted to have a new granddaughter and doesn’t understand why the birth has shocked everyone.  The woman says she tells her 10 year-old daughter that she should just count her blessings that the birth went well.  Of course the counting may pose a bit of a problem since she hasn’t gotten quite that far in school.  But I see her point.  I mean, so what if you need to place both the baby and its mother in daycare, I don’t see a problem there.  Its a good place for them to bond.  And they can both share the mother’s baby toys.  How cool is that?  The father is a 13 year-old Romanian boy who I’ll bet anything left the baby’s mother for a younger girl.

Your Job and Mental Health:  A new study reveals that working at a bad job can be as bad or even more harmful to your mental health as having no job at all.  So to prevent any possibility of putting Americans at risk, employers promise to accelerate sending jobs overseas.

Wolf Hunting Approved:  After facing mounting pressure from Montana ranchers, the Interior Department agreed to lift federal protections on gray wolves, which would allow the resumption of hunting them.  The decree did stop short, however, of dropping federal protections for other government protected predators such as corporate CEO’s.

CEO Bonuses:  The Wall Street Journal is reporting that CEO bonuses at 50 major corporations hit a three-year high, rising a median of 30.5 percent, with Disney’s Robert Iger leading the pack with a $13.5 bonus for the 2010.  Thank goodness there was a tiny morsel of money left over to pay these poor, destitute creatures after paying all the greedy school teacher’s $35-45,000 annual salaries.

Banning Circumcision:  An attempt to outlaw male circumcision in San Francisco by putting the issue to a popular vote is quickly becoming one of the hottest topics in the San Francisco Bay Area.  Yea, I can see where a topic like circumcision could easily generate a huge amount of interest in San Francisco.

Aguilera Arrested:  Singer Christina Aguilera has been arrested for public intoxication and put into a cell for her own protection after police stopped the Mustang driven by her boyfriend for DUI.  When arresting officers asked her if she was high on drugs, she admitted to being high on a drug called Charlie Sheen.”

Snow in LA:  The Los Angeles basin received some harsh weather this past weekend in the form of poring rain and even snow as part of a severe weather system that dropped down from Canada.  Meteorologists say that while the storm was a certainly a bad one, we should remember that there are far worse things that could still drop down on us from Canada, like Randy Quaid and his wife Evi.

Arizona Proclaims State Gun:  The Arizona state legislature is about to designate the Colt revolver Arizona’s official firearm, a controversial move that some critics believe sends the wrong message.  Perhaps, but not nearly as controversial as New Jersey’s decision to proclaim “syphilis” the state’s official venereal disease.

Banning Brothels:  Senator Harry Reid says he wants Nevada “to consider banning brothels, so that when the nation thinks about Nevada, it will be thinking about the world’s newest ideas and careers – not about its oldest profession.” Am I missing something here? You don’t have to be Charlie Sheen to realize that nowadays you can just go online or use your smartphone to set up rendezvous with a hooker?

The Amish Madoff:  A 77-year-old Amish man has been arrested for bilking 2600 fellow Amish community members who invested in what authorities say amounted to a $33 million Ponzi scheme.  What really outrages me about all this is that this little sect is now taking away a job that used to be performed by our televangelists.

Technology and Crime:  Criminals are using smartphones, Google and Facebook as tools to facilitate the profiling of travelers for random kidnappings and in turn asking for a surprisingly much lower ransom than one might expect.  At a joint press conference, Google  and Facebook executives pledged to continue exploring new technologies with the hope of bringing ransom costs down to a level where everyone, not just the wealthy, can afford to get kidnapped and subsequently ransomed.

Unwanted Fondling:  A former horse groomer at Arlington Park Racetrack who was busted for fondling a horse, got probation and has been ordered to attend sex offender counseling.  Sex offender classes for people who fondle horses?  I don’t think I wanna see the text book they use in that class.

Naughty Pictures:  Christopher Lee, a married father and member of the US House of Representatives from New York, abruptly resigned after a shirtless photo of himself, which he had e-mailed to a woman on Craig’s List, was published on the Internet.  Sounds like we may just have the solution to the whole crises in Egypt!  Just start sending out risqué pics of President Hosni Mubarak to people on the Cairo Craig’s List.

Not Electrical:  NASA engineers report that mechanical issues and not electronics were to blame for the sudden acceleration problem that plagued 1000’s of Toyota cars over the past decade.  I was trying to figure out why NASA would be involved in the investigation of a possible automobile defect when the sad truth hit me – budget cuts are probably forcing the agency to replace the space shuttle with a less-expensive late-model Camry.

Job Interview Mistakes:  A survey of hiring managers ranks answering a cellphone call or returning a text message as the most common mistakes made during an interview.  The study also found that telling an interviewer “pardon me, I should take this, its my drug dealer” is almost never acceptable unless you’re applying for a job at a crack house.

Save the Malibu Lagoon:  Well, just attended my first “Save the Lagoon” rally here in Malibu with a friend.  It was amazing, when we pulled up, the entire parking lot looked like a Toyota Prius showroom.  Afterward, I was feeling a bit guilty.  Here I was at a nice party, eating and drinking, listening to eloquent speeches and hobnobbing with all the beautiful people, when it occurred to me, that while I was caught up in all the glitter and glamour, I didn’t really have much of an impact on behalf of the poor lagoon.  My friend tried to reassure me that there’ll be other lagoons.  Perhaps there will, but I know my heart will always go back to that first lagoon.

Goodbye Western World:  Glenn Beck has begun telling his listeners they had better store food to prepare for the coming global insurrection, declaring that the Muslim Brotherhood and American radicals are operating in tandem to bring about “the destruction of the Western world.”  In related news, Glenn Back announced that he has just added Safeway, Kroger and Ralph’s Markets as his new proud sponsors.

Bath Salts:  A new bill offered by Senator Charles Schumer would ban the sale of bath salts making them a federally controlled substance due to kids using them to get high.  All I know is I don’t wanna be the guy checking into prison when inmates ask “why you in the joint” and having to respond “bath salts.”

Less Secretive:  In an effort to boost flagging membership in the US, an increasing number of Masonic lodges are abandoning secretive ways and inviting the public in to see what the organization is really all about.  I guess most people these days figure that if they wanna hang with people wearing weird outfits and using a bunch of silly, symbolic gestures and handshakes, they’d just go to a rap concert.

Credit Cards:  Bloomberg News claims that the next-generation iPhones and iPads will be able to function essentially as credit cards, thanks to a new technology that can beam and receive information at a distance of up to four inches.  Great!  As if we haven’t already shelled out enough money just to buy these things, now they transform themselves into an easier way to blow even more money.

High School Pregnancies:  A Memphis high school is desperately trying to reduce teen pregnancies among its students after realizing 90 of its 800 students, or about 11 percent, are currently pregnant.  A desperate school board announced plans to issue an ordinance prohibiting storks from coming within 500 yards of the high school campus.

Mob Bust:  Authorities, including the FBI and local police task forces, zeroed in on seven mob families in New York, New Jersey, and Rhode Island, arresting over 100 people with charges ranging from racketeering and extortion to murder.  I don’t get it.  Why kick more than 100 people who were gainfully employed out of their jobs in the middle of the recession?

School Shootings:  Nine campuses were locked down after shootings at four LA Unified Schools.  Its getting so bad, you can hear students pleading, “cover me, I’m going to English class.”

Back to Work:  Freshman Tea Party-backed Senator Mike Lee (R-Utah) recently shocked colleagues by declaring that Federal child labor laws are unconstitutional.  Hoary for the Tea Party!  Its about time that we’re finally electing the type of officials who have the courage to say “get back down into those coal mine shafts, you dirty little bastards.”

Snake Owners Cry Foul:  Snake owners are very unhappy with proposed legislation to ban the importation and interstate transportation of nine species of foreign snakes, claiming government bias in favor of furry animals.  Snake owners warn that if the government can actually get away with banning deadly, cold-blooded snakes, you can just bet Wall Street’s derivative traders will be next.

First Clothing:  A new analysis of genes from human body lice indicates modern humans began wearing clothing and attracting lice as far back as 170,000 years ago.  For those who consider that really disgusting, just ask yourself if things have really changed that much when you have Lady Gaga coming on stage last year in a meat dress.

Wild Horse Slaughter:  An official of the Federal Bureau of Land Management proposes that we use birth control to trim the herds of wild horses that have strained public lands instead of slaughtering them for food as we’ve done in the past.  Wildlife experts say the birth control plan could work, assuming the horses aren’t Catholic.

Not Well-Liked:  A new poll determined that only 33 percent of Alaska voters have a favorable opinion of Sarah Palin, meaning she has a lower rating in her home state than in any other state besides Massachusetts.  I don’t know how well she scores with voters, but you can pretty much bet she’s not all that popular with the caribou population.

Living Without Servants:  The Telegraph UK reports that Prince William and Kate Middleton say they plan to live without servants after their marriage.  OK, then I’ll pledge the same thing for my New Year’s resolution.  No servants for me in 2011!  Hell, maybe I’ll have one New Year’s resolution I’ll actually be able to keep this year.

Illegal Butt Drag:  A 17-year-old high school wrestler from the Fresno area has been charged by the local district attorney for using a wrestling move called the “butt drag” to sexually assault a teammate.  Hell, if a “butt dragging” is illegal, why isn’t most of Congress already in jail?

Help to Control Drinking:  There may soon be a new pill to help fight alcoholism on the market as a European drug-maker is testing a medicine designed to curb the desire for a person to have more than one drink in a sitting.  In an all or nothing approach to prove the drug’s efficacy beyond a reasonable doubt, the company announced plans to put the drug through most difficult testing scientifically imaginable…using David Hasselhoff, Lindsey Lohan and Charlie Sheen as test subjects.

Big Storm:  The LA area is digging out after almost a week of heavy rains which caused mud slides and closed roads all over the area.  City officials say they are very happy to report that some things around town are finally clearing up.  Unfortunately, it isn’t the roads, but acne on teen faces appears to be clearing up a bit.

If You Can’t say Something Nice:  In a series of recordings, picked up by Nixon’s own secret taping system and released by the Nixon Presidential Library and Museum, the former President says that Jews are obnoxious, the Irish are drunk, and that Italians “don’t have their heads screwed on tight.”  Wow!  That kind of talk is almost enough to make Mel Gibson blush.

Publicist’s Murder:  Police say they believe the murder of Hollywood publicist Ronni Chasen was not a conspiracy, but simply the result of a “botched, poorly-planned robbery gone bad.”  City officials say they are considering requiring all crooks to take classes in the execution of crime, pointing out that deaths like this are entirely preventable if criminals are trained properly.

Benefit Auction:  An auction of the relics and artworks from the communist era was held in Budapest to raise funds for the victims of October’s flood of red sludge.  The irony there is that much of the relics of Hungry’s communist era could probably be most accurately classified as “red sledge.”

More Stars:  Scientists say a new study suggests that there are three times as many stars in the universe as previously calculated, what they term a “mind-blowing” 300 sextillion stars.  Personally, I’m more interested in what kind of “mind-blowing substance” those scientists were on when they came up with that number.

Kanye Strikes Back:  During a recent concert, Kanye West accused Matt Lauer of being abusive and complained that Taylor Swift never came to his defense after the 2009 MTV incident.  Never came to his defense?  Isn’t Kanye West whining about Taylor Swift not defending him a little like the neo-Nazis complaining that the Jews never seem to have anything nice thing to say about them?

Gonorrhea Rate Down:  A new government report says that gonorrhea has dipped to the lowest rate ever recorded, but warns that much more dangerous STD’s are on the rise.  Its enough to make you yearn for the good old days.

Short of Food:  A government report has found that nearly 15% of US households experienced a food shortage at some point in 2009.  With obesity rates running at nearly 40% in some areas, all we really need to do is convince the obese to consider sharing a few of those burgers and fries we all know they’re slamming down every day.

Rise in Motorcycle Deaths:  Citing a rise in fatal motorcycle deaths, the federal government is urging states to require helmets while riding.  The way I look at it, anyone who rides a motorcycle and refuses to use a helmet, probably doesn’t have that much up there to protect anyway.  Personally, I put on a protective helmet every time my girlfriend and I crawl into bed in the evening.

Most Dangerous Job:  The Bureau of Labor Statistics lists commercial fishing as the nation’s most lethal occupation, ranking it well above other dangerous occupations such as truck driving, police work or being a firefighter.  To demonstrate just how dangerous commercial fishing has become, many outfits say they have had no choice but to keep singer/songwriter Gordon Lightfoot on retainer.

Changing Starbuck’s:  The Starbuck’s of the future is one in which patrons will not only be able to purchase coffee and a muffin, but also beer and wine as it transitions some stores to be more of a local cafe than simply a coffee house.  Should make for an interesting interaction, mix people who are totally wired on double espressos with people totally hammered on beer and cheap wines.  Just what are they trying to do, start World War III?

I Know Nothing:  A new survey says that many doctors do not report other doctors who are drunk, addicted to drugs, mentally ill or outright incompetent.  Maybe they have reported them, but nobody could read their writing.

Evils of Alcohol:  British experts evaluated substances including alcohol, cocaine, heroin, ecstasy and marijuana, ranking them based on how destructive they are to the individual who takes them and to society as a whole and found that alcohol is more dangerous than illegal drugs such as crack and herion.  To insure the public safety, some civic-minded crack dealers have graciously announced, for a limited time only, an exchange program where citizens may bring in their full bottles of Courvoisier, Remy Martin and other fine spirits and exchange them for the safety and comfort of crack and heroin.

People Talking to Their Pets:  Its about time someone finally addresses the fact that so many of you seem to feel compelled to repeatedly talk goo goo, silly talk to your pets.  Do you have any idea just how ridiculous this practice is?  Now, as my friends will tell you, I am the first to admit that I too frequently address my pet in this manner, but I do so only because my cat has politely requested I do so.  Otherwise, I would have nothing to do with this absurd practice.  I think you’re all disgusting.

Business Cards Thriving:  While most traditional paper oriented industries such as hardcover book sales, magazine and newspapers seem to be in sharp decline in this digital age, analysts report the business card industry is continues to do quite well.  Analysts are cautioning those considering going into the business card industry, however, to avoid specializing in making business cards for people in the book, magazine and newspaper industries. 

Another Perfect Parent Death:  Tom Bosley, who portrayed the patient, understanding father on TV’s long-running sitcom “Happy Days,” has died.  Bosley, who’s passing occurred only a week after Barbara Billingsley, who played the perfect mother in the 50’s sitcom “Leave it to Beaver,” has medical experts scrambling to determine if this could possibly be an affliction which targets only ridiculously fake TV parents.  A prominent doctor at the Centers for Disease Control in Atlanta, agreeing to speak only off the record, says that our concern is how it could be possible that these individuals, who portrayed characters which were unimaginably fake and unreal, mysteriously managed to somehow come down with real diseases.

New Disorder:  The American Psychiatric Association is debating whether or not to include the controversial “parental alienation” relating to children of divorces to its catalogue of mental disorders.  Critics argue that just by including the term “parental alienation,” you risk alienating the very parents who are trying to alienate their children from the other parent, which many divorced parents claim as their inalienable right.

AARP Calendar:  AARP has just announced that their new 2011 Calendar is now on sale.  Its quite an unusual calendar in that no matter how you look at it, time is running out.  All we can do is pray that there is no nudity.  Myself, I usually wait until July to buy my calendars so I can get them at half price.

Runway Incidents:  The FAA is reporting a dramatic decline in near collisions and other dangerous incidents on our nation’s runways.  Thank goodness no one got seriously injured.  It doesn’t take a genus to realize that these catty fashion models have been out of control for way too long.

Yoga Not Christian:  Southern Baptist Seminary President Albert Mohler is calling on all Christians to avoid practices such as yoga and meditation, proclaiming that they are not compatible with Christianity.  I think he may have a point.  I’ve taken lots of yoga classes and can’t recall them ever mentioning the importance of conquering other countries, persecuting intellectuals or intimidating homosexuals.

Budget Solutions:  Seniors are preparing to cutback on basic necessities after word is spreading that there will be no Social security cost-of-living increases again this year.  This reminds me that Republicans are often criticized by Democrats for having no concrete plan to deal with budget deficits.  I never felt this was a fair criticism.  Republicans have always been quite clear about how they plan to reduce the federal budget.  They will do so by dramatic cuts to entitlement programs such as Social Security, an extremely wasteful program which primarily benefits non-productive groups like the elderly who depend on it as their lifeline.  Its simple math, if you greatly reduce the Social Security payments upon which many elderly depend to survive, you will almost immediately notice that besides reducing federal expenditures, you have the added benefit of actually reducing the number of the elderly, many of whom are barely hanging on financially anyway, which in turn even further reduces the cost of entitlement payments.  Problem solved.

Not a Witch: Delaware Tea Party Senatorial candidate Christine O’Donnell, trying to counter some recent negative publicity about her youthful dabbling in witchcraft, has put out a new campaign commercial in which she looks directly into the camera and tells voters “I’m not a witch, I’m you.”  And the spot seemed to be getting the point across up until the very end when she began shouting “and it was my sister your house fell on, my pretty.”

Rapping for Alzheimer’s:  Rapper T.I., facing fallout from a recent drug arrest after being released from prison on weapons charges, is raising money for an Alzheimer’s charity he’s suddenly decided to start.  Am I sensing a new angle for his defense?  And that made me think, I’ve seen all kinds of strange people doing rap, but a rapper with Alzheimer’s?  I can’t imagine what that would sound like.  Then it occurred to me, maybe not all that much different.

Pot Decriminalized:  Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger has signed a bill into law that essentially puts those caught possessing small amounts of marijuana on the same level as those caught speeding on the freeway.  The most controversial part of the bill was a provision allowing those caught trafficking in pot will will be permitted to have the charges removed from their record if they complete “pot trafficking school.”

Religious Knowledge:  A new survey that measured Americans’ knowledge of religion found that atheists and agnostics are more knowledgeable about Christianity than followers of the major faiths.  When asked what they thought about the survey, a spokesperson for the atheists said “we have very little faith in surveys.”

Longer School Year:  President Obama has issued a tough-love message to American school kids, proposing more focus on math and science and a longer school year.  Legal analysts, however, say the proposal is unlikely to ever be implemented because the Supreme Court has repeatedly struck down “cruel and unusual punishment.” Labeling the entire proposal “something right out of Dickens,” Fox News commentators called math and science totally boring and ask “just when are our kids supposed to find time to play video games or talk on their cellphones with their friends?”

Spell Checker:  Its pretty pathetic when your spelling is so far off that your computer’s spell checker basically asks “what the f— are you talking about?

Spaying and Neutering:  I was just informed by my vet that I can just neuter my cat once. Seems a shame, frankly. I have the money.

Obama Challenges Tea Party: After months of criticism, President Obama has issued a challenge to Tea Party leaders to specifically lay out exactly what they would do to right the economy. In response, a Tea Party spokesperson laid out a three part program to save both the country and the economy. “The first (and most important) step is to continue insinuating that the President was born in Kenya and is a socialistic, atheistic, Muslim. The second is to make sure that the big banks and multinational corporations who are responsible for putting us in this economic mess have absolutely no oversight at all and are completely free to do as they please. Thirdly, we plan to continue fostering racial and religious intolerance wherever possible by innuendo and thinly veiled racist fear-mongering tactics such as implying beheadings are taking place all along the US-Mexican boarder. That, as we see it, is the only was to address the pressing issues this country faces.”

Tornados in NY City:  Authorities say that the recent storm that churned through NY City spawned two tornados.  This is further proof of how messed up the weather is these days.  Back in the day, it would be unheard of for a tornado set down in such a large city as New York, simply because there are no trailer parks there.  What would be the point?

Delaware Primary:  Christine O’Donnell, a Tea Party favorite who believes that the world is 6000 years old, doesn’t believe in evolution and who claims masturbation is sexual perversion, has won the Republican primary for the US Senate in Delaware.  It just seems a little ironic that such a wack job would be against masturbation.

Tea Party Rally:  Thousands of Tea Party activists across the country rallied over the weekend in a show of strength.  They gathered because they’re deeply concerned about big government and deficit spending, but apparently only AFTER January, 2009.

Critical Housing Issues:  I normally don’t bring up personal issues here, but I’ve just been exposed to something that I consider so grossly unfair and unjust that I had to bring it to everyone’s attention.  It is my sincerest hope that by discussing this issue here openly and honestly, others may become vigilant and prevent such an atrocity from occurring where they reside.  Under new rules in my apartment complex, the management has suddenly and unilaterally decided to ban the practice of tenants urinating in the outdoor stairwells.  Well, needless to say, I was totally shocked and taken aback.  I went directly to the manager and asked him hypothetically, where does that leave those of us who are often too drunk or simply too lazy to make it back to our apartments?  He told me residents are expected to “go” in their respected apartments and walked away.  Who could have ever imagined that life could be this hard?  Dear Friends! Just wanted to offer my deepest sympathy to you and yours today, the 109th anniversary of the 1901 assassination of President William McKinley by anarchist Leon Czolgosz at the Pan-American Exposition in Buffalo, NY. I realize what a particularly deep, personal loss this has been for many of you and, of course, your wonderful, loving and caring  families.  I can only imagine the grief all of you are feeling.  And to know that this madman paid for his crime with a seat on the electric chair does not bring back Bill McKinley (if I may call him Bill).   Please know that I am there for you if any of you need a friend to talk to during this difficult time. I can be reached toll-free at 888 555-1212. Please feel free to call at anytime, day or night.

Bone Drugs:  A new study claims that people who take bone-strengthening medications over several years have a higher risk of throat cancer.  That could make drugs like Boniva a hard pill to swallow, literally.  Researchers added that if there’s anything positive that comes out of this study, it would be that we may not have to listen to Sally Field endlessly hocking bone-meds on TV anymore.

Cook Book:  Roger Ebert, who hasn’t been able to eat or talk since cancer surgery four years ago took away his lower jaw, still hasn’t lost his love for food and has written a cook book.  In other news, Lindsay Lohan, who hasn’t been able to think clearly since losing her mind to drugs and alcohol, has decided to write a text on mental health.

May I See the Wine List?  Beef producers in western Canada have started adding red wine to the usual feed they give cattle which they claim produces a unique taste.  Good grief, what’s next?  Next thing you know, barns will start demanding a two-drink minimum.

 

No Downtime:  Scientists say all of today’s digital devices may well deprive the brain of needed downtime.  I couldn’t agree more.  While I was trying to read this article on my iPad I was interrupted by a call coming in on my iPhone.  In the process of answering my iPhone, I spilled coffee on my laptop

 

Charities May Be Tarnished:  Some fear that the doping allegations against star cyclist Lance Armstrong may hurt his charitable foundation which doled out over $31 million on behalf of cancer patients last year.  That can easily be rectified.  Simply refocus the charity to aiding young athletes looking for shortcuts to fame and fortune, but who can’t afford steroids because of economic hardship.

 

Albino Sales Decline:  Tanzania police say they have arrested a Kenyan national in a sting operation who was attempting to sell an albino man for body parts. This is simply an outrage! I am completely shocked! As if it wasn’t already difficult enough to find quality albino body parts at a reasonable price? All this government meddling in the free market will accomplish will be to send the price of albino parts up into the stratosphere.  Ultimately, it will be the consumer who suffers as any cost increase will surly be passed along to them.

 

Abandon Earth:  British astrophysicist Stephen Hawking insists that mankind must abandon earth and colonize elsewhere or face extinction.  Other scientists, however, characterize the suggestion as impractical, adding that “just because Glenn Beck seems to be able to leave Planet Earth at will, doesn’t mean the rest of us are able to.”

 

Obesity Test:  Scientists, after years of research, have devised a surefire, home method to determine if you’re too fat.  The only piece of equipment required is that you must have an extremely accurate watch.  Here is the test.  Stand in the middle of the largest room in your home.  Take a deep breath and jump up into the air as high as you are capable of doing.  If, after two minutes, any part of your body is still bouncing up and down, you’re fat.

 

We’re Stuffed: Christie’s in Manhattan has sold all of the items from the now-closed museum of mid-century cowboy star Roy Rogers, including his stuffed German Shepherd companion Bullet for $35,000.  I don’t wanna seem unsentimental, but it seems just silly to spend that much money on a stuffed dog.  If its really that important to you to have a stuffed German Shepherd, why not just buy a real German Shepherd for a about a grand, then head down to PETCO, buy a couple of cases of ALPO, feed him till he’s stuffed and save $34,000 dollars!

 

Important Jellyfish Information:  The latest issue of Smithsonian Magazine claims that jellyfish are essentially a boneless, bloodless and brainless species whose  mouth also doubles as their anus.  Now I have no idea exactly what the Smithsonian has against jellyfish, but this is the kind of hateful and hurtful name calling one would expect out of someone like Mel Gibson, not a respected scientific institution.

 

Cell Phone Ban:  The Maui County Council has just voted to ban the use of cell phones while driving. To overcome this injustice, I have decided to install a landline in my car. In addition, I also plan to have a fax machine installed in the trunk which could come in very handy if I’m ever camping and there’s no toilet paper available. I’ll simply call up a friend and ask them to “fax me something.”

 

Google Earth:  Just finished downloading “Google Earth” and to my utter amazement, the earth is round.  My question is, why didn’t anyone tell me?  I would have understood.

 

Dog Snatched:  Jessica Simpson has put up reward posters all around her neighborhood asking for the return of her toy Maltese poodle which was reportedly snatched right in front of her by a coyote.

Just a thought, but I think someone to ought to mention to Jessica that coyotes aren’t known to spend a lot of time reading reward notices posted in local neighborhoods and even if they did, its also pretty unlikely that a coyote could be swayed to give up a meal by the promise of reward money.

 

Republicans and Big Oil:  Democrats have lately been harping on the fact that the Republicans seem in bed with the big oil companies.  I don’t buy it for a minute.  I say if the Republicans are in bed with anyone, its the dental lobby.  How else do you account for everyone yelling “drill baby drill” at their rallies?

 

Barbara Walters has Surgery:  Doctors say they are expecting a full recovery and that Barbara Walters’ surgery to replace a faulty heart valve was a complete success.  All I can say is, its been a tough year.  First, the economic collapse, then the oil spill and now this.

 

Eyjafjallajokull Volcano: Many economists now believe that the recent eruption of the Icelandic volcano Eyjafjallajokull has the potential to negatively impact the economic recovery for some time to come.  And yet the Obama administration has been suspiciously silent on this matter.

I am personally of the opinion that the Democrat Party has always been soft on volcanos.  Why, one may ask, was there was not a single mention of volcanos in President Obama’s “State of the Union” address?  Could it be that timid Administration officials would prefer to keep their heads buried in the sand (or more accurately-volcanic ash) than take a stand?  The American people have a right to know if their President is for or against catastrophic volcanic eruptions.  The fact that we hear not even a peep condemning the blast makes it rather difficult for one not to conclude that the administration is somehow sending a subtle message to those living in villages threatened by violent streams of molten lava that they should simply “go with the flow.”

And it isn’t as if we’ve had no clues.  You don’t have to be a scientist to realize that mountain with a name like Eyjafjallajokull can only mean trouble.  And mark my words, its only a mater of time when we begin seeing “Eyjafjallajokull” on eye charts at the Department of Motor Vehicles when testing for a driver’s license.  Its time to ask just how many innocent citizens have to be denied driving privileges before someone puts a stop to this madness?

While the Glen Beck’s of the world warn us that the administration is rapidly moving the country toward socialism, Marxism and fascism, I worry they may be leading us toward something even more dangerous and far more insidious.  They may be leading us toward volcanism.

 

Bat Romance: U.S. scientists are reporting success after having spent over three years and nearly $5 million listening to thousands of recordings of love sounds emitted by romantic bats in an effort to decode exactly what sparks a bat’s romantic interests. Gee, I guess the study’s worth the time and money if you’re interested in dating bats. I could make a few suggestions myself. If dinner is on the agenda, make sure to select a place with plenty of insects on the menu. After dinner, head to a really cool, dimly-lit spot where the two of you can just “hang” for the rest of the evening.

 

Out of Character The lawyer for Derk Stansberry, the Florida man who caused a trans-Atlantic flight to be diverted to Maine because he told flight attendants he had a fake passport and dynamite, says these actions were out of character for Stansberry and blamed everything on the sleep aid Ambien.

While cynics may ridicule this defense, I think the explanation is rather simple.  The Ambien triggered an episode of dyslexia and when Derk Stansberry looked at his passport, he thought it said Darryl Strawberry and began to behave accordingly.

 

Viagra Warnings  The FDA announced that it soon plans to require Viagra and other impotence drugs to warn users of possible sudden hearing loss.  All I can say is “I heard that!” Guess that explains why Viagra users enjoy watching mimes perform so much. To further emphasize the danger, the FDA says everyone issued a prescription for Viagra will now get a free iTunes download of Simon and Garfunkel’s recording of the “Sounds of Silence.” On a side note, quite a few women are asking “what’s the big deal? Many report they’ve been complaining about men’s inability to hear them long before anyone ever heard of Viagra.

Memory Foam Mattress:  I was shopping in Costco the other day and came across a display selling memory foam mattresses. A mattress with a memory? I don’t wanna sound paranoid, but who would want a mattress that remembers everything you ever did in bed?

Horsing Around:  A South Carolina man has been arrested and charged with “buggery” after he was captured on a surveillance video having sex with a horse. This kind of thing makes me long for the good old days when South Carolinians were simply marrying their cousins. Neighbors, who are familiar the horse, while not condoning the man’s actions, did confirm, however, that it is quite an attractive horse. Humane Society workers report the horse should be fine if it can be placed back in a “stable” environment.

Halting Extinctions:  U.S. researchers say human intervention in imperiled ecosystems could prevent specie extinctions that often ripple through disturbed or damaged environments.  I’ll tell you how to prevent an imminent extinction.  Try sending a little of this “human intervention” in the direction of the middle class for a change.

 

Weight Counseling:  Blacks have higher rates of obesity than whites, but are significantly less likely to receive weight counseling, according to a recent study from Johns Hopkins.  Guess that all depends on whether you consider “girl, you sure are haul’n a whole bunch of junk in the trunk” a legitimate form of weight counseling.

 

Conquering Polio:  Bill Gates announced that the top priority and primary focus of his enormous wealth and influence will be to wipe out polio.  Gates added that if we are successful in conquering polio, “it is my dream that we may then finally be in position to eradicate humanity’s biggest scourge, Apple, Inc.”

 

Off to Rehab:  Two and A Half Men” star Charlie Sheen has entered rehab, a day after being hospitalized following reports of a 36-hour drug and drink-fueled party at his home with five girls.  One thing’s for sure, he’d almost have to be “two and a half men” to take care of five girls.

 

Sexual Dangers:  A new study seems to suggest that an increase in the incidence of certain head and neck cancers may be linked to a rise in the popularity of oral sex over the past few decades. Perhaps even more disturbing, nearly 60% of those respondents who frequently engage in oral sex told researchers to “bite me.” Fortunately, the data indicated little or no danger to those using Oral B toothbrushes.

 

Too Mouthy:  Authorities have arrested a Florida woman who killed her teenage daughter and son because she was fed up with them being too “mouthy.”  In related news, democrats are reportedly trying to get the telephone number of Glen Beck’s mom.

 

Alien Life:  A leading Harvard astronomer says there is little hope of finding alien life in space because all other planets discovered so far are too hostile for life. I don’t know about that, but with earthquakes, tsunamis, hurricanes, tornados, fires, floods, drought, famine, wars and genocide, its getting kinda hard not to think that perhaps the earth may actually be a bit too hostile for life. 

 

New Supernova:  A 10-year-old Canadian girl, who is also an amateur astronomer, has discovered a supernova, an event astronomers say is a rare and significant achievement.  When asked if she wanted to become an astronomer when she grows up, she said either that or one of Charlie Sheen’s hooker girlfriends.

 

Bath Salt Danger:  Law enforcement agents and poison control centers say that bath salts are becoming an emerging drug-abuse menace, warning that the salts are a stimulant which can induce paranoia and delusions.  Authorities warn that even ingesting just a small amount of the salts is enough to make someone every bit as delusional and paranoid as an AM radio talk show host.

 

Treasures for Sale:  In an attempt to pay off enormous debt, European governments are selling off iconic national symbols such as parts of the famed Sherwood Forest for development.  Looks like in the future, if Maid Marian plans to visit Robin Hood at his home, looks like it’ll be at his condo-complex.

 

Plant Security:  Researchers at the University of Colorado have developed a plants that drain all their color to white when exposed to minute amounts of TNT in the air.  Smart plant.  I’m fairly certain that knowing there was TNT in the air would pretty much drain all the color out of me too.

 

Body Parts Sold:  A European rights group is asking for an inquiry about reports of Albanian civilians being killed at the end of the Kosovo War, so their organs could be sold on the black market.  Adding to the controversy, the organization who purchased the organs is now complaining that many of the organs they received were not really “Genuine Albanian Body Parts.”
Buffett Injured:  Australia’s Daily Telegraph reports that singer Jimmy Buffett fell off a stage at the end of a concert in Sydney and was rushed to the hospital.  Perhaps even more troubling for the aging performer was the fact that much of the audience never realized he was gone.

 

What’s for Lunch?:  In a bizarre example of a symbiotic relationship, a carnivorous plant in Borneo have been found to eat the poop from tiny bats, who use the plant’s traps as their toilet.  So if I’m correct on this, all this poor plant basically does in its measly little life is eat shit and die.

 

Labeling Changes:  Grocery shoppers will soon see the amount of calories, salt, sugar and saturated fat per serving on the front of many popular food packages.  Unfortunately, a more controversial part of the new labeling rules calls for packages laden with empty calories and saturated fat to feature an image of a woman who’s butt definitely looks too fat in those jeans.

 

Living in Poverty:  The Census Bureau estimates that 15.7% of Americans are poor and struggling financially.  Perhaps even more troubling, the agency found that over 40% of Americans lack enough fiber in their diet and are struggling to go to the bathroom.

 

No Lost Cars:  A mall in Santa Monica, California has installed the nation’s first camera-based system, designed to find lost cars in their parking garages.  Not to be outdone, a church just a block down the road decided to install cameras in their parking lot to with the hope of finding lost souls.

 

Plant Explodes:  An ammunition plant in southwestern Tennessee has exploded, killing one worker and forcing the evacuation of neighboring businesses.  The accident occurred after someone lit a cigarette at the company’s annual powder keg party.

 

Long Wait:  Customers who pre-ordered Nissan’s new electric car are frustrated again as Nissan has reportedly fallen months behind in its Leaf electric car deliveries.  Nissan officials say they understand customer’s frustration and are doing everything possible to turn over a new Leaf.

 

New Chin:  Roger Ebert has a new prosthetic chin to replace the chin he lost after lost to cancer surgery in 2006 which he plans to use on his new TV Show.  An Ebert spokesperson claims the decision to go with a prosthetic chin was made only after talks with Jay Leno broke down.

 

Heart Transplant:  Former Vice President Dick Cheney told NBC that he is weighing the possibility that he may have to get a heart transplant.  Yea, well if he ever gets to the point where he decides its time to look for a donor, I wouldn’t advice going hunting with him.

 

New Economic Opportunities:  USA Today reports that in this uncertain economy, funeral homes are finding new income possibilities by hosting other events such as weddings and parties.  Guess it wouldn’t be very hard to end up being the “life” of that party.

 

Banned Chemicals:  More than 40 chemicals, including some banned for three decades, were detected in nearly all 268 pregnant women in a landmark study by the University of California-San Francisco.  This prompted local activists to call for a massive recall of all pregnant women in the Bay Area.

 

Married Men Nicer:  A study found that ‘antisocial behavior’ in men significantly decreases after they get married.  I’m guessing they didn’t include Charlie Sheen in that study.

 

Costly Governorship:  Arnold Schwarzenegger told a newspaper in his native Austria that serving as California governor cost him at least $200 million.  Unfortunately, that’s just peanuts in comparison to what it ended up costing California for Arnold to serve as governor.

 

Massive Storm Possibility:  Scientists and emergency planners warn that California faces the risk of a catastrophic storm that could actually cause four to five times as much economic damage as a large quake.  Never thought I’d find myself praying that we have a large earthquake.

 

Drivers Killed:  Insurgents in southern Afghanistan killed seven taxi drivers just moments after releasing them.  Analysts say this demonstrates that people feel pretty much the same about taxi drivers no matter where you are.

 

Use the Bathroom:  A McDonald’s assistant manager has lost her job after she let Minnesota Vikings star Adrain Peterson use their restroom while the restaurant was closed.  Lighten up, it wasn’t as if she had let Lawrence Taylor or Brett Favre in the bathroom.

 

Astrology No Longer Valid:  Scientists say horoscopes are fully a month off now due to a shifting of the stars in the night sky caused by an ever wobbling earth.  Astronomers went on point out that, while not well-known by the general public, the earth actually wobbles more than Lindsay Lohan at a New Years Eve party.

 

Myspace Layoffs:  Myspace announced they will be laying off 500 people, which is nearly half its workforce in a restructuring of the struggling social networking site.  For them, myspace has become nothing more than fifth in line at the unemployment office.

 

Gay History Museum:  The city of San Francisco is celebrating the opening of the nation’s first “gay history museum.”  I don’t know what they’re gonna have there, but you can bet the place will be well decorated.  Joining in the spirit of celebration, some militia groups say they soon hope to open up a “gays are gonna be history” museum.

 

Green Meteor Shower:  A rare green meteor shower caused a huge emerald fireball in the sky which spooked-out people throughout the Deep South.  Police report that frantic callers jammed emergency switchboards in a tri-state area claiming that God was in the process of hocking a huge, green oyster on them.

 

The Hormone of Trust:  Researchers are holding out great hope for oxytocin, a brain chemical which gives rat mothers the urge to nurse their pups, keeps male prairie voles monogamous and amazingly, even makes people trust each other more.  Researchers say they first became aware of the chemical’s potential after administering small doses to Tea Party members who immediately thanked President Obama for his thoughtful heathcare plan and then asked him how it feels to be the first President to be born in Hawaii.

Inspiration Dead:  Dick Winters, the World War II veteran whose service was the inspiration for “Band of Brothers” died last week at the age of 92.  In related news, producers Steven Spielberg and Tom Hanks announced plans to film a spin-off of the acclaimed mini-series centered around a group of aspiring rappers entitled “A Band of Mothers.”

 

No Contact:  Somalis say Islamist insurgents have banned unrelated men and women from shaking hands, speaking or walking together.  In other words, they expect them to behave pretty much like a typical American married couple.

 

Kicked Out of Class:  The suspect in the weekend massacre in Arizona had to be physically removed from his algebra class at a community college in June after repeated interruptions according to his instructor.  Well I have to admit that I absolutely hate algebra also, I guess the difference is that I don’t blame congress.

 

They Eat the Gas:  A scientific team has concluded that deep sea bacteria have actually eaten much of the natural gas released in the Gulf oil spill.  This is in contrast to most Americans, who seem to find that much of what they eat ends up giving them gas.

 

Seat Belt Users:  A new report lists Californians among the most likely to use their seat belts.  The study concluded that the state’s acceptance of the seat belts inevitably stems from the fact that so many Californians rather enjoy being all tied up and retrained anyway.

 

Tears a Turn-Off:  In a study published in the journal Science, researchers reports that women’s tears send a chemical signal to men that lowers sexual arousal and circulating testosterone, a hormone tied to libido.  The study went on to point out that crying is now well-positioned to become the new “not now, I’ve got a headache” excuse for the 21st century.

 

Coffee Spill:  A pilot spilled coffee which accidentally triggered a hijacking alert on a United Airlines flight from Chicago to Frankfurt, Germany, causing the plane to make an unscheduled stop in Canada.  Wow, that’s pretty brazen of the pilot to divert the plane to Canada just to pick up more coffee.

 

Filed Lawsuit:  Two former Jets massage therapists filed a lawsuit against star quarterback Brett Favre, alleging they were fired after they spurned his sexual advances via text message.  You can bet these are a couple of passes that he wishes he hand’t completed.

 

Smartphones in Prison:  Outlawed cellphones are everywhere in prisons these days, with even closely watched prisoners are sneaking phones in such as Charles Manson sneaking them in.  You’d think he’d realize by now that a violation of the prison rules like that could put him in a bad light before the parole board.

 

Meeting Demand:  Bison ranchers say they are struggling to meet consumer demand for buffalo meat as desire for a healthy meat has sent prices soaring.  Analysts warn that with Buffalo Bill no longer around, consumers may just have to live with the shortages.

 

Bad Flooding:  Flood waters in northeastern Australia have now covered an area which government officials describe as larger than France and Germany combined, displacing 200,000 people.  Australian authorities say they are now looking for an appropriate area to temporarily house the flood refugees that is somewhat smaller than Estonia, yet larger than Kazakhstan.

 

No Internet:  In a recent interview with Elle, Winona Ryder claims that she doesn’t use the internet.  I see her point, how you gonna shoplift at Amazon.Com?

 

Radioactive Fish:  A fish from a river near the troubled Vermont Yankee Nuclear Power Plant has tested positive for radioactivity.  Officials confronted the fish which was observed singing the chorus of “You Light Up My Life” as it tried to board a plane in Newark.

 

Kidney Donation:  Two Mississippi sisters serving double life sentences for their roles in an $11 armed robbery will be released, but only on the condition that the younger sibling donate her kidney to her sister, whose organs are failing, state officials said.  Hum, wonder if my sister would consider donating some of her wisdom teeth to pay off my parking tickets?

 

No Pardon:  New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson says he will not be issuing a pardon for Billy the Kid, who had been sentenced to hang for the murder of Lincoln County Sheriff William Brady and two deputies.  Well, iI guess that means that the Kid is as good as dead then.

 

Not Stupid:  Former “American Idol” judge Paula Abdul said that being perceived as stupid was one of the most annoying misperceptions people have about her.  I think people just misinterpreted her endless barrage of totally lame remarks, her absurd behavior and the fact that she generally acts like a frigging moron as her being stupid.

 

Bad Manicure:  A Florida resident found herself in jail after calling 911 multiple times about a bad manicure.  Gee, good thing she didn’t get a bad perm, she’d be calling in the National Guard.

 

Should Have Been Executed:  Conservative pundit Tucker Carlson recently shocked many TV viewers by claiming that Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Michael Vick should have been executed.  Guess that kind of makes him an “animal right-wing activist.

 

Indentured Servitude:  Controversial right-wing radio personality Michael Savage has sued his syndicator, Talk Radio Networks, claiming his contract with the network amounts to “indentured servitude.”  Well he can’t put the blame on Prince William or Kate Middleton, who swear they’re not gonna use any servants.

 

Bigger Amygdala:  Brain scans of 58 volunteers in a preliminary study indicated that the bigger the amygdala, the more friends and family the volunteers reported seeing regular basis.  Really?  Well after this Holiday Season is over, I think I’m up for shrinking my amygdala just a tad.

 

Where’s that Plane?:  Airport officials say Wayne Newton owes a Detroit area airport $60,000 storage fees for a $2 million plane he abandoned there three years ago and left to gather mold.  I can relate.  Just the other day while Christmas shopping, I totally forgot where I had parked my car.

 

Legalize Pot:  In a move that shocked many, conservative televangelist Pat Robertson has endorsed the legalization of “a couple of ounces” of marijuana on his TV show, the 700 Club.  The show’s staff say they began to suspect something was up after Robertson began insisting that the set be catered with Twinkies, Bon Bon’s and Cheese Twists.

 

Hulk Hogan Remarried:  Celebrity wrestler Hulk Hogan has gotten married for a second time to Jennifer McDaniel at his Clearwater, Florida home.  Perhaps the most stirring part of the ceremony was when Hogan placed her in a headlock, threw her to the mat, looked her right in the eyes and told her that she was probably one of the prettiest girls he’s ever seen in her weight-class.

 

Lowest Homicide Rate:  Despite the faltering economy, the Los Angeles Police Department is reporting the lowest homicide rate since 1967.  That’s pretty easy to figure out.  No one can afford ammunition.

 

Much Too Sexy:  British regulators have launched an investigation into this month’s “X Factor” finale following claims that performances by Christina Aguilera and Rihanna were too sexy for family TV.  Now the British are known for their “stiff upper lip,” but dare make anything else go stiff and you’ll find that the regulators are not amused.

 

Minor Tsunami:  A powerful 7.3-magnitude earthquake struck the western Pacific Sunday has triggered only a small tsunami, this occurring exactly six years after a huge tsunami killed 220,000 people around the Indian Ocean.  A psychologist working for the US Geological Survey points out that its often difficult for little tsunamis to try and follow in the footsteps of major tsunamis.

 

No Mates:  U.S. researchers found that men who reach sexual maturity in settings where they far outnumber women live have shorter life spans.  Fortunately, since very few males ever reach maturity sexually, its unlikely this will ever become a major issue.

 

Stolen Secrets:  Hilton Worldwide and Starwood Hotels & Resorts Worldwide reached a settlement over claims that Hilton executives stole confidential information related to Starwood’s successful W chain.  In other Hilton news, Paris Hilton is claiming the Kardashians have stolen her secrets on how to become famous for absolutely nothing.

 

Poor Health:  According to the US Dept of health and Human Services, men take lousy care of their health, hate going to the doctor for anything and pay little heed to warning signs for major health issues which makes them less health with a significantly higher death rate than women.  Wonder if that’s why my doctor told me that “if you continue to live this way, you won’t continue to live this way.”

 

Alzheimer’s Tests:  With a new vanguard of tests that can detect Alzheimer’s and other dementia long before symptoms are pronounced, doctors are facing an ethical dilemma regarding whether or not the patient should be told since there is no cure.  Medical ethicists fear this could quickly become the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” of memory loss.

 

Women with Advanced Degrees:  New census data indicates that women are just as likely to be in possession of advanced degrees as are men.  I’ve always been attracted to women with advanced degrees.  In fact, I once dated a woman who had a “Thighmaster.”

 

Obesity:  Researchers say that people who have been married for two years are twice as likely to become obese as those who are just dating.  That’s because when people are dating they can’t wait to hold each other in some romantic, remote location.  Then, after you’ve been married for awhile, you’re basically happy just holding the remote.

 

New Roger Ebert Show:  Film critic Roger Ebert, who now uses a computer voice to speak after losing his voice to surgery, announced he is returning to television with a new weekly film review show called “Roger’s Office.”  The show’s producer also announced that when Ebert takes time off, the show will be guest-hosted by astrophysicist Stephen Hawking.

 

Julian Assange Free:  A London judge rules that WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange can remain free in Britain on 200,000 pounds bail while fighting extradition to Sweden on sex-crimes allegations. Fox News reports that much of the 200,000 pounds was donated from weight lost by a far-left faction of the Weight Watchers organization in Great Britain.

 

Suspicious Plants:  The Hawaii Department of Agriculture, in an effort to control invasive plant species on Maui, is urging all residents to report any suspicious species of plants they may come across.  I heard Willie Nelson has a place on Maui.  That might be a good place to start if you’re looking to find suspicious plants.

 

Hurley Separated:  British actress Elizabeth Hurley announced via Twitter that she and her husband have separated, this following rumors linking her to an Australian cricket star.  I think we can safely assume that her husband doesn’t think everything is cricket.

 

Exterminator Arrested:  A Colorado bug exterminator is suspected of earning the trust of customers and their dogs and using that trust to steal hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of items and cash over the last thirty years.  Perhaps even more disturbing, authorities say the only reason he even bothered to exterminate the bugs was so there’d be no witnesses.

 

Obesity Rates:  New data indicates that Americans are continuing to get fatter and fatter, with obesity rates reaching 30 percent or more in nine states this past year.  Health Officials warn we’re moving toward a country divided into red states, blue states and big fat states.  And you just have to know that the fat states are gonna demand more pork-barrel spending.

 

CPR Robber:  Florida police are baffled by the motives of a man who performed CPR on a dying man suffering a heart attack, waited for paramedics to arrive, hugged the victim’s wife and then stole her coat and purse.  If she thinks that was robbery, just wait till she gets the bill for the ambulance ride and hospital emergency care.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

No Wal-Mart Here:  Wal-Mart is finally abandoning plans to build a Wal-Mart Supercenter near the site of a famous Civil War battle after the protests of hundreds of historians.  Wal-Mart unsuccessfully argued that the slave wages they pay employees would fit in very well with the area’s civil war theme.

 

Cabinet Change:  In response to massive protests against his dictatorship, Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak has announced that he will replace his cabinet.  Isn’t that a little like firing your tailor because your clothes no longer fit after you’ve pigged out for a year?

 

Silver Fillings:  Health advocacy groups are claiming silver fillings are dangerous and should be replaced immediately due to their mercury content.  Many patients tried to get the silver fillings replaced with gold, but quickly discovered that all the gold has been bought up by conservative talk show listeners.

 

Social Media:  Prison inmates are increasingly using social media to torment victims and continue crime outside of their prison confines, U.S. corrections officials warn.  In order to counter this, prison officials say they plan to move all inmates to Egypt.

 

Goodbye Color Coding:  The Department of Homeland Security says it plans to abandon their color-coded terror alerts in the spring.  The agency says that color-coding proved of little value to color-blind Americans and that led them to conclude that the public would be much better served with a scratch-and-sniff system.  

 

Sandwich Damage:  Rep. Dennis Kucinich is suing the House cafeteria over an olive pit in his sandwich that he says caused dental damage, seeking $150,000 for “permanent and oral injuries requiring multiple surgical and dental procedures.”  Capitol Police say that after conducting an extensive investigation, capped by looking up the word “olive” in Wikipedia, and are now reasonably convinced that the pits were in fact placed in the olives by nature and that no terrorism was involved.   

 

Sinful Dog:  A South Carolina woman who hanged and then burned her nephew’s “devil dog” because it chewed on her Bible, has been charged with felony animal cruelty.  I could be wrong, but I suspect that God would have felt it a smarter choice for her to just buy a new Bible.

 

Alcoholic Beverage Information:  Just about any beverage on store shelves has a numerical rundown of calories, carbs, etc, except for alcoholic beverages, which is why a governmental proposal to list nutrition information is gaining ground.  I guess they want the nutritional information available since so many kids are having alcoholic beverages with their school lunches these days.

 

Pay by Phone:  Starbucks rolled out a new payment method whereby customers can now pay for their coffee by scanning their smartphone at Starbuck’s locations.  Well if the phones are really that smart, they’d probably advise you not to pay all that money for an overpriced cup of coffee.

 

Package Delivered:  I was sending an anniversary gift off to couple of friends of mine and the clerk at UPS asked if I wanted to require the recipients to have to “sign” for the package.  I said “no, that’s not really necessary, they’re not deaf.”

 

Condemned to Hell:  Officials say a California Department of Motor Vehicles (DMV) employee who wrote a threatening letter condemning a transgender woman who had come to the DMV to process a name change to hell has been forced to resign.  And of course who could imagine a hell that could be worse than having to wait in line at the Department of Motor Vehicles?

 

Civil Unions:  A new report says that civil unions, originally heralded as a way to solidify gay relationships, is gaining favor over marriage, even among straight couples in France.  Sociologists point out that its unlikely “civil unions” will ever take hold with American heterosexual couples because relations between men and women in this country are rarely civil anymore.

 

Nation Underwater:  The people of the Marshall Islands, facing the possibility that their land may one-day soon be underwater due to the effects of global warming, are starting to ponder what will become to their nation and people.  The first thing that comes to mind with regard to those who may be looking for housing is that its probably a far better idea to rent than to own.

 

Nun Accused of Embezzlement:  A 62-year-old nun who oversaw a college’s finances has been accused of embezzling more than $850,000 and spending it on herself.  Makes you wonder what the hell she was spending it on.  I think we can safely assume she wasn’t spending it on her wardrobe.

 

Hyena Dung Found:  Dutch researchers say they are really excited about a curled-up brown fossil dredged up that is actually a piece of very ancient hyena dung.  I’ll bet if the hyena were alive today, he’d get a good laugh out of that one.

 

Roof Collapse:  The inflatable dome roof of the Metrodome collapsed after a storm dumped 17 inches of snow on Minneapolis.  Because of the frequency of these monster snow storms in the Minneapolis area, team officials are considering relocating the facility to LA, where it would most likely be renamed the “Metrosexual Dome.”

 

Color of Snow:  Scientists say that crystals of falling snow become prisms which break up the light into the entire spectrum of color and because our eyes cannot process that, we see them as white.  They went on to add that this is most likely what happened to Michael Jackson.

 

Birth Rate Decline:  Sociologists say San Francisco’s birth rate is projected to decline sharply in the next decade.  I’m actually rather surprised San Francisco has a birth rate.

 

Japanese Probe to Venus:  A Japanese space probe has reached Venus and is preparing to go into a two year orbit that will hopefully shed light on the planet’s climate.  NASA says that while its uncertain exactly what the Japanese will discover about Venus’ climate, you can just bet they’ll take lots of great pictures.

 

New Bacteria Found:  Canadian researchers say a new bacteria has been found that lives on the wreck of Titanic.  That’s for sure, its called filmmakers and documentarians.

 

Big Payday:  Derek Jeter has agreed to a three-year contract with the New York Yankees that will pay him an estimated $51 million.  As an example of how much money that really is, economists speculate that someone with $51 million could actually afford to date one of the Kardashian sisters for several weeks before the money would ran out.

 

Their World in Chaos:  Weight Watchers has made some major changes to its cultlike “points system,” prompting some serious anxiety among many of its one million adherents who attend weekly meetings.  Wow!  I feel so sorry for them.  That has to be devastating when you’re living life following the rules, thinking yourself to be thin and fit, then the “point system” changes and you suddenly discover that you’re in actuality a big fat, worthless, lazy, pig of a loser.

 

Exploding Internet:  A blast at an internet cafe in southern China killed six people and injured 34 others, state-run media reported.  Authorities are looking into whether someone must have accidentally logged on to al-Qaida’s website.

 

Moving On:  Larry King told New York magazine that after he leaves his show on CNN, he plans to do stand-up comedy, adding that he has always been a funny guy.  A smart move, especially when you consider that his softball-style interviews were really more of a joke anyway.

 

Survival:  An injured elk hunter is recovering after spending four days stranded in a central Oregon forest with nothing to sustain him but beef jerky.  He’s a lucky guy.  The outcome could easily have been “the wolves survived for four days on some jerky guy who was an elk hunter.”

 

Bigger Brains:  UK researchers have found that groups of mammals that live in “stable social groups” such as monkeys, dolphins, dogs and horses tend to have relatively bigger brains.  Critics call the theory ridiculous, pointing out that if such a theory were true, then even reality stars could potentially have large brains.

 

Cutting Ties:  The Kardashian sisters are seeking to cut ties with a venture that sold prepaid debit cards under their name which has an interest rate the Connecticut Attorney General calls “predatory.”  It all baffles me.  I never quite got how the Kardashians rate any interest to begin with.

 

Flight Restrictions:  I’m booking a flight to Los Angeles and flying my cat with me.  When I went to book the cat, the first thing they asked me was “does he have a pug nose?”  Now I know we’re flying into “La La Land,” but are you telling me my cat may have to get a nose job before they’ll let him into LA?

 

Time to Sleep:  A former Ohio church child day-care worker has been convicted of child endangerment for slipping a dietary supplement into the children’s candy to get them to sleep.  On an even more disturbing note, the woman confessed to having built a gingerbread house to lure them in to eat the candy.

 

Second-Hand Smoke:  According to a major World Health Organization study, almost one in every 100 deaths worldwide is linked to breathing in second-hand smoke.  Wow, I never realized watches were so dangerous.  Just think, if the second hand can cause all that damage, I shutter to think what the big hand or the little hand can do.

 

More Hair:  Recent studies have shown that blondes have more hair than dark-haired people.  Unfortunately, additional studies indicated that very little of the additional hair was actually located on their heads.

 

Jawbone Found:  They just announced that the jawbone found on an Aruba beach does not belong to missing Alabama teenager Natalee Holloway.  Any of you guys missing anything?

 

Tom DeLay Conviction:  The once powerful former US House Majority Leader Tom DeLay has been convicted of money laundering.  Ironically, its more than likely he’ll soon get an opportunity to experience first-hand how a real laundry works.

 

Mission to Mars:  Some scientists are suggesting that astronauts who venture to Mars assume a mind-set similar to the first settlers in North America, not expecting to ever come back to earth.  With NASA officials in charge, it may very well turn out that way anyway.

 

Pilots Exempt:  The Transportation Security Administration has agreed to let uniformed pilots skip the body scans and aggressive pat-downs after pilots pleaded with the agency that “we’re usually the target of terrorism, we’re not the threat.”  True, with the possible exception of JetBlue pilots.

 

Photographing Irises:  A police official says the New York Police Department has begun photographing the irises of people who are arrested in an effort to prevent escapes as suspects move through the court system.  Its comforting to know that the NYPD is really keeping an eye on crime.

 

Banned Videos:  Videos called “crush videos,” appealing to the sexual fetish of women killing small animals will be banned under new legislation proposed by Congress.  Proponents of the fetish ask “what’s the problem, its not like we’re some sick perverts who are having sex with the animals first?”  Personally, I think the best solution would be to offer a compromise such as rather than crushing helpless animals, why not just settle for having the girls crush some poor guy’s ego.

 

Bacterial Glue:  Researchers have developed a bacteria that produce a kind of glue that can fill in the cracks in concrete structures.  Let’s just hope it works as planned.  I’d hate to see all our concrete structures end up on antibiotics.

 

Plastic Bag Ban:  Parts of Los Angeles County have joined other California communities in banning stores from using single-use plastic bags.  Some communities are taking it to the of extreme.  A friend of mine was barred from a community simply because he had bags under his eyes.

 

Redefining Family:  Sociologists say as we look around at the Thanksgiving table, we find fewer children raised by married parents as our nation redefines family.  That may be true to a degree, but in my opinion, the people who did the most to redefine our definition of family was the “Manson Family.”

 

Endangered Species: The federal governmental is recommending that the Hawaiian insular false killer whale, which they say is really a dolphin, be placed on the endangered species list. Well dah! Did it every occur to them that if they weren’t going around telling everyone that this isn’t really a “killer whale,” perhaps it wouldn’t be so endangered in the first place?

 

Not a Bristol Fan:  A rural Wisconsin man, apparently enraged by Bristol Palin’s “Dancing with the Stars” routine, blasted his television with a shotgun, leading to an all-night standoff with a SWAT team.  Upon release from jail, the man is scheduled to appear on a brand new ABC show, entitled “Dancing with the Convicts.”

Melting Icecaps:  Scientists say that the dramatic melting of the gigantic ice sheets could result in a sea level that could likely rise as much as three feet by the year 2100.  Well, its comforting to know that if the ice does melt, the sea will rise up to the occasion.

 

Flirting While Driving:  A full 62 percent of drivers report having flirted with someone in a different vehicle while on the go, and 31 percent of those flirtations resulted in a date!  Unfortunately, another 35% have resulted in higher insurance premiums.

 

Reusable Bags:  Those who are using reusable bags to save the environment may want to think again as reports are coming in about the bags, mostly made in China, containing potentially unsafe levels of lead.  Come on, they put lead in shopping bag?  Do they really need to make everything out of lead?  I think its time we tell them its time to get the lead out of it.

 

Postal Losses:  The U.S. Postal Service announced that they have lost 8.5 billion this past year.  They didn’t specify if that was dollars or pieces of mail.

 

Keep Working:  A study of 10,000 U.S. workers’ investment accounts shows the effects of the recession may force those who want to retire comfortably to stay on the job for at least two years longer than planned.  My question is, stay on what job?

 

The Cartel Made Me Do It:  A 14-year-old-youth, recently arrested by Mexican police, claims that he was forced by a Mexican drug cartel to behead at least four people.  I totally relate.  I can still remember how much I hated it when my mom used to force me to clean up my room and mow the lawn.

 

Contraband Found:  California Department of Corrections officials announced that they have found a contraband cell phone under murderer Charles Manson’s bunk during a routine inspection of his prison cell.  So what’s the problem?  After all, it is a “cell” phone.

 

Book Deal:  Christine O’Donnell has signed a book deal to offer her take on her campaign and frustrations with the political process.  O’Donnell is opposed to masturbation, I think from that we may assume that her frustrations aren’t simply limited to the political process.

 

Tolerance:  According to a survey, Germans are less tolerant of Muslims than their western European neighbors.  Hard to imagine Germans being intolerant of people who are of another race or religion?  Let’s face it, studies today suggest that many younger Germans think of the concentration camps as nothing more than a unique way Germany provided minorities with low-cost housing.

 

Less Surgery Restrictions:  Weight-loss surgery was once a last resort for extremely overweight people, but now the FDA is considering a request by pharmaceutical company Allergen to significantly lower how obese someone must be to qualify for surgery.  Allergen claims that if the restrictions aren’t lifted soon, we may one day have to face the frightening possibly that many of our nation’s foremost supermodels could end up Plus-Sized models in the not-too-distant future.

 

Picasso Find:  A French electrician who installed an alarm system for Spanish painter Pablo Picasso three years before the artist’s death has come forward with a stash of artwork he claims Picasso gave him as a gift which may be worth $80 million.  I always thought it would be great to be Picasso.  You could go out to a wonderful restaurant, order the most expensive thing on the menu and when the waiter comes with the check, just say “oh, I forgot my wallet, here, let me just scribble a little something on the napkin for you.”  Suddenly, the napkin’s worth millions!

 

Please Pass the Arsenic: NASA researchers say they’ve forced microbes from a gnarly California lake to become “arsenic-gobbling aliens.”  Arizona officials say that while they are big supporters of NASA, if they enter Arizona and don’t have proper papers, they’ll be deported.

 

Anger Advice:  In an interview conducted before his suspension from MSNBC, Keith Olbermann revealed that while still a senator, Joe Biden once asked him for tips on how to channel his anger.  A spokesperson for the Vice President confirmed that Biden had sought out Olbermann for advice about anger, but only after it was determined that his first choices, Alec Baldwin and Charlie Sheen weren’t available.

 

Piracy Trail:  Five men accused of firing assault weapons at a Navy ship off the coast of Africa are set to face charges in the first piracy trail to take place in the US in more than 100 years.  If this seems go well, a Vatican spokesperson suggested that it might be kinda fun to retry Galileo.

 

Water on Mars:  The Mars rover has once again discovered more evidence of water on the red planet.  Now that just seems plain silly for NASA to continually send the rover looking for water, after all, the rover is simply a robot and come on, you’d think the people at NASA to be smart enough to realize that robots don’t need to drink water.

 

Farm in Twister Movie Hit by Tornado:  A farm used in portions of the movie “Twister” has been hit by a tornado.  I didn’t care for that film as I felt it was full of gratuitous storms.

 

Obama Meets Steve Jobs:  The White House disclosed that President Obama and Steve Jobs met briefly for a meeting near San Francisco where the two reportedly discussed a variety of topics including the economy, innovation, technology, education and whether the chicks are hotter on the east or west coast.

 

Hole in Roof:  Passengers say they thought they were doomed as a one foot by 2 foot hole suddenly opened in the roof of an American Airlines Boeing 757, but the plane landed safely.  An apologetic American Airlines spokesperson said the issue was even further compounded by the fact that it happened on a weekend when its almost impossible to get anyone out to repair the roof.

 

Is It Hot In Here?:  Motivational speaker James Arthur Ray has been arrested on manslaughter charges after three people died following a northern Arizona sweat lodge ceremony he led last year.  Looks like he’ll be the one doing most the sweating from here on out.

 

Files for Bankruptcy:  Troubled video rental chain Blockbuster has filed for bankruptcy, a victim of movie-watchers changing habits.  And perhaps the most blatant example of those changing habits would be the nuns over at St. Paul’s Parrish recently switching from Blockbuster to Netflix.

 

Silver Number One Choice:  For the 10th consecutive year, silver has ranked as the most popular car color around the world.  And with new car prices, you better be in possession of plenty of silver if you intend to buy one.

 

National Archives at Risk:  An audit determined that nearly 80% of the nation’s prized historical documents are in danger of being lost or destroyed, including the Wright Brothers’ original patent.  I can see where patent issues could arise as the airlines take away more and more amenities, flying is getting to be pretty much about the same experience as being on that original Wright Brothers’ flight.

 

Longest Snake Dead:  An Ohio zoo said the longest snake living in captivity, a 24-foot python, has died from an apparent tumor.  Zookeepers say they tried to get help, but whenever they’d mention the growth, the snake would insist “its not a tumor!”

 

Donates Papers:  Poet Maya Angelou announced that she is donating more that 300 boxes of her old papers to the New York Public Library.  At first I thought, what would a library want with old papers?  And then it occurred to me, they probably need them for packing stuff.  Gee, I’ll bet I have tons of old issues of the Maui News stacked up out in the garage, just taking up space.  Some go back probably three or four years.  I always intended to just haul them off to the dump, but hell, if some library in New York thinks they can use them, they’re welcome to them.

 

Just Another Day in Indonesia:  A day after being struck by a powerful earthquake and tsunami that killed scores villagers, Indonesia had to issue yet another warning that the country’s most volatile volcano was now about to blow.  Wow!  Those poor folks have quite a lot on their plate tectonics.  When asked to comment about what’s going on in Indonesia, the devil was quoted as saying “I may be stuck in hell, but at least I’m not in Indonesia.”

 

Overseas Drug Source:  Facing a shortage of a lethal injection drug, Arizona has taken the unusual step of deciding to purchase the drug overseas.  If I were them, I’d purchase from China, that way they can be absolutely certain that no matter what you buy, it will contain a highly toxic ingredient.

 

Water on the Moon:  NASA says that they have discovered a crater on the moon that contains usable which that could be drinkable if purified.  Now if they could only find a few places here on earth where the water is still drinkable.   

 

Bad Pot:  A southwestern Pennsylvania man called 911 to complain about how terrible the pot he bought was.  Police tested the substance and found it to be fake, but said the man may still be in legal trouble for possessing a counterfeit controlled substance.  Following that reasoning, if convicted, the only logical thing to do would be to pay the fine with counterfeit money.

 

Jane Austen’s Helper:  An English professor at Oxford who has studied Jane Austen’s original manuscripts shocked the literary world by claiming that Austen was not the polished novelist everyone believes, pointing out that she was not only a poor speller, but an “erratic grammarian who received much help in those areas from her editor.”  Although admittedly it would have been a bit more interesting if Austen had instead been an “erotic grammarian who received much help in those areas from her editor.”  

 

Goodbye Walkman:  Sony announced that it has finally stopped production of the cassette Walkman, thusly killing the iconic device that forever changed the way we listen to music.  Yet, we all know in our hearts that the Walkman, VCR and Chia Pet will continue to live on as long as mobile home parks continue to grace rural America.   

 

Earthquake in Wyoming:  A rare magnitude 4.6 earthquake has hit northwest Wyoming, apparently triggering a landslide on a hiking trail.  While there were no injuries or deaths attributed to the tremor, it is being reported that many elk, deer and buffalo have been seen roaming around the area, searching for food and water.

 

Hiccup Murder:  A teenage girl who became famous in 2007 after hiccuping uncontrollably for weeks has been charged with luring a man to a house where he was robbed and fatally shot by her companions.  Guess that proves that even though you can remove the hiccups, it doesn’t guarantee you’re gonna remove the hick.

 

New Chairwoman:  Actress Betty White has been named chairwoman of the Los Angeles Zoo Association.  A longtime animal activist, White says her association with wild, unruly beasts goes way back to 1939 when she first joined the Screen Actors Guild.

 

Like Rover Like Chocolate:  Veterinarians warn that chocolate contains a substance called theobromine, which is toxic to dogs and can give them a heart attack.  That pretty much explains why women tend to have cats as pets.

 

Tigers Face Extinction:  Environmental experts say that the world’s tiger population could become extinct in as little as 12 years.  Scientists say the signs are everywhere, pointing out that Apple Inc. has already replaced “Tiger” with “Snow Leopard” on its Mac operating system.

 

Not a Heart Attack:  Belgian martial artist and actor Jean Claude Van Damme took to the web to deny rumors that he had a heart attack on the set of his latest film.  Film critics point out that the confusion may stem from the fact that when one observes Van Damme acting, its quite common to conclude that you’re either watching someone having a heart attack or possibility suffering from severe constipation.

 

Oldest Door:  Archaeologists in the Swiss city of Zurich have unearthed what is believed to be a 5,000-year-old door that may be one of the oldest doors ever found in Europe.  The door was sold at auction to a NY collector of antiquity who immediately had two dead bolts installed.

 

Rifle Safety:  The Remington Arms Company has sold more than 5 million of its Model 700 series rifle which is famous for its accuracy and smooth trigger, but also has a well-known and dubious reputation for firing accidently without the trigger being pulled, resulting in two dozen deaths and 100 injuries.  A spokesperson for the Gambino Crime Family calls this is the perfect holiday gift for “family members” in that it is the only murder weapon made today that comes with a ready-made alibi.

 

Longest Domestic Cat:  A 5-year-old, Maine Coon cat who lives with his family in Reno, Nev., was certified by Guinness World Records as the world’s longest domestic cat who stretches 48 ½-inches from his nose to the tip of his tail.  Neighbors say that the family loves large cats and were diligently trying to find one to adopt, but they never expected them to go to this length in finding one.  After being informed about the cat’s size, model and animal lover Linda Evangelista expressed concern over how difficult its going to be for a cat that large to find clothes that will fit properly.

 

New Book:  Word is circulating around the publishing world that former skater Tanya Harding will soon come out with an autobiography which will be entitled “Bury My Career at Wounded Knee.”

 

Lunch Line Psychology:  The US Department of Agriculture announced a new initiative to persuade school children to make healthier lunch choices such as accepting cash only for desserts.  I say forget all those governmental, bureaucratic measures like making kids pay with cash.  If you really want to discourage children from eating dessert, have a dessert menu which simply offers selections such as brussels sprouts-flavored ice cream.  If I’m correct on this one, that should pretty much quell any desire a student may have for dessert, but I remain open to other suggestions.

 

Posing Nude Again:  Kim Kardashian, who recently said she regretted having posed nude for Playboy, has again now taken off all her clothes for “W” magazine, but this time she claims she has done it the name of art.  Well said.  Its so obvious to anyone who knows anything about art that all those guys who rush out to pick up a copy of “W” are only doing so out of concern over how all this artistically stacks up against the great masters like Rembrandt, Van Gogh and Jenna Jameson.

 

Eyes Glued Shut:  An Arizona woman accidentally glued an eye shut when she mistook super glue for her eye drops.  Sounds like an idea for a sequel to a Stanley Kubrick film.  But on a serious note, let’s hope she’s learned her lesson to always check labels before using a medication.  I’d hate to see something like this happen if she ever needs to use Preparation H.

 

No More Cokes:  In an anti-obesity push, NY Mayor Michael Bloomberg is seeking federal permission to bar New York City’s food-stamp recipients from using them to buy sodas or other sugared drinks.  And what would he have them drink, NY tap water?  Political analysts say that by making this risky move, Bloomberg risks alienating members of the powerful “Union of Obese Welfare Recipients of New York.”

 

Trump for President:  While on a recent trip to Scotland, Donald Trump hinted that he is considering running for President of the United States.  I’m not sure I understand what would be the point of electing a Donald Trump at this stage of the game.  Let’s face it, most Americans have already been told “you’re fired.”

 

Overweight:  Health officials say that two-thirds of people in this country are overweight or obese, which is roughly 30 or more pounds over a healthy weight.  Or, if you wish, another way to look at it is that its roughly 50 to 100 pounds under Kirstie Alley’s weight at any given time.

 

Securities Fraud:  Actor Larry Wilcox, who played a California highway patrolman on the popular ‘70’s TV show “CHiPs,” has been charged with securities fraud by the Securities and Exchange Commission.  Wow, that’s tough, securities fraud!  Who’d have ever thought a successful guy like that with a hit TV show would end up getting busted for impersonating a security guard?

 

Roman Calvary Helmet:  A rare Roman calvary helmet found by a man using a metal detector in a northern English field recently sold for $3.6 million at a London auction.  You’d think someone with that much money could afford to buy something newer.

 

Rare Tornados:  A rare swarm of tornados, some with wind speeds of up to 110 miles per hour, has struck Arizona leaving residents startled and frightened. Meteorologists say its likely that this may be nature’s way of saying you’ve got way too many trailer parks.

 

Laptop Dangers:  Doctors are warning not to leave a warm laptop on your lap too long as it can lead to a condition called “toasted skin syndrome,” which is an unusual looking mottled skin condition caused by long-term heat exposure.  No kidding.  I became suspicious after I noticed my laptop had a dial with settings for warm, simmer and defrost.

 

Office Noise:  According to a study conducted by the University of British Columbia, people who work in noisy places could have triple the risk of a serious heart problem compared to those who work in a quiet environment.  Good grief!  That kind of information could be enough to send every librarian in the country with a death wish to seek employment at their local pre-school.

 

New Marlo Thomas Website:  Actress and social activist Marlo Thomas is partnering with AOL to launch a website for women over 35 the point of which is to get women talking.  I could be wrong, but I don’t think you necessarily need a website to get women talking.

 

AARP Driver Training:  AARP in Maui is holding driver’s training classes for those drivers  60 or older.  Fortunately, for those under 60, they are also holding classes on how to avoid being hit by the cars being driven by drivers 60 and over.

 

Antifreeze Death:  A woman in western New York is on trail for manslaughter after being accused of killing her boyfriend by lacing his pitcher of margaritas with antifreeze.  I think the manslaughter charge is probably valid, cause I just checked all the margarita recipes on the internet and didn’t see anything mentioning antifreeze as an ingredient.

 

Cost of Obesity:  George Washington University researchers have found the annual cost of being obese is $4,879 for a woman and $2,646 for a man.  And, to make matters worse, you have to pay in advance.

 

Living in Poverty:  US Census figures show that the number of people living in poverty in Hawaii has grown to 12.5%.  According to state officials, things have gotten so bad that many citizens have no idea where their next tan is coming from.

 

Amish Moving West:  The Amish population is growing and embarking on a westward migration that has now reached as far as Colorado, South Dakota and Montana according to an annual survey by Elizabethtown College in Pennsylvania, which tracks the Amish.  I can’t imagine why anyone would take the time or effort to track the Amish, but if you must, let me know when they hit Silicone Valley, that’s when things should get interesting.

 

Free Trip:  Oprah Winfrey kicked off her final season by announcing that she would fly her entire audience to Australia.  Not to be upstaged, Arizona Governor Jan Brewer announced she hopes to fly large numbers of people who currently live in her state who have accents and Spanish surnames to Mexico.

 

 

Buying Happiness:  A new study published in the National Academy of Sciences says that people’s emotional well-being and happiness increases as their income increases until they make $75,000, at which point it levels off.  I’d like the chance to level off my happiness.

 

This Class is Dead:  The University of Maryland announced it will offer a new class on zombies this fall.  They must be referring to fans who are following Baltimore in the American League East.  What could be more dead than the Orioles this year?

 

NCAA Violations: According to a recent report, former USC running back Reggie Bush is expected to be stripped of his 2005 Heisman Trophy for violations of NCAA policies. Wow! I never realized dating one of the Kardashians was in violation of NCAA rules. I suspect its a pretty safe bet that I’ll never be in violation of that rule.

 

Toddler Quits Smoking:  Indonesia’s 2-year-old smoking toddler has reportedly kicked the habit, according to the psychologist who was working with the youth to help him to quit.  While not condoning toddler smoking, British baby stroller maker Silver Cross says it does plan to begin manufacturing a limited amount of baby strollers with built-in ashtrays to cover that potential market.

 

Not Santa Claus:  A 49-year-old female doctor, involved in an on-again, off-again relationship, became stuck and died after trying to force herself into her boyfriend’s home by sliding down the chimney.  Guess you could say she was stuck in a dead-end relationship that she just couldn’t get out of.

 

Foster Care:  New federal figures show that fewer kids in the US are now under foster care due to widespread reforms in the system.  This is in contrast to Australia, where more kids seem to be under the care of Foster’s Lager.

 

Its Raining Cats and Dogs:  The United States Humane Society estimates that between 2,500 and 3,000 cats and dogs are born every hour in this country.  When told about the data, Arizona Republican Gov. Jan Brewer added “and who knows how many more slip across the border?”

 

FM:  Groups representing broadcasters, musicians and record companies say they may ask Congress to require that new mobile phones include FM radios.  When asked how they feel this proposal will go over with cellphone makers, a spokesperson for the broadcasters says they expect “no static at all.”

 

First Cannibals:  Anthropological researchers studying the world’s first known human cannibals, say they most likely ate each other to satisfy their nutritional needs, concludes a new study of the remains of cannibal feasts consumed about one million years ago.  Even more reason to make sure your neighbors are taking their vitamins on a regular basis.

 

Teen Hearing Loss:  Experts say that a stunning one in five teens have lost hearing and its being blamed on loud music through ear buds.  As if poor teens didn’t have enough to worry about with the “do it and you’ll go blind” thing, and now this.

 

Against Tight Confinement:  Farmers in Ohio agreed to phase out tight confinement of livestock, underscoring the clout of the animal welfare movement.  One Ohio farmer countered, “hell, that ain’t tight confinement.  Tight confinement is watching your wife try and squeeze back into her prom dress ten years later.”

 

Expanding Eye:  The pupil of the eye expands as much as 45 percent when a person looks at something pleasing.  And depending upon what you’re looking at, I’ll bet that the pupil isn’t always the only thing expanding.

 

Former Miss Russia Arrested in NY:  A former Miss Russia was arrested in Manhattan and charged with forging a prescription for painkillers on a pad stolen from her psychiatrist’s office.  I had no idea that Rush Limbaugh was a former Miss Russia.

 

Early Puberty:  A new study says that girls are hitting puberty earlier than ever before, with some girls hitting it at age seven.  In related news, Roman Polanski was seen selling ice cream and donuts outside an all girls elementary school.

 

Not Energy Efficient:  Scientists say that while the human brain is about 2% of our total body weight, it uses 20% of the body’s energy.  Perhaps Steve Jobs could have Apple engineers take a look at it.

 

Short People:  Researchers say that short people have a greater risk of developing heart disease than tall people.  Somehow, Randy Newman has to feel vindicated.

 

New Porn Film:  Filmmakers in Hong Kong say they have created a porno film in 3-D.  Or was that VD?

 

Longer Life Span: During the twentieth century alone, the average life expectancy in the United States increased by more than 30 years, with most of this increase attributed to advances in public health care and information.  Very true.  Information such as “don’t eat the yellow snow” has taken us a long way.

 

I Swear Its True: New statistics show that at least 750 people are arrested each year in Pennsylvania for swearing.  This is as opposed to neighboring state New Jersey where it would be difficult to find 750 people who don’t swear.  The problem is compounded when they appear in court and have to swear to tell the truth.

 

Toad Love: A recent study reports that when female cane toads are grasped by a puny, but persistent male with whom they do not want to have sex, they inflate their bodies so that larger, more desirable rival males can dislodge the unwanted suitor.  Researchers say this species is very much like the cane toad equivalent of a Kirstie Alley.

 

No Breast Implants:  Mel Gibson was captured on tape accusing his wife of lying to him about breast implants and telling her “she looks and dresses like a Vegas whore.”  I see Mel’s point.  An attentive wife would have known that Mel has always chosen LA prostitutes over Vegas whores every time.

 

Caveman Blood:  Anthropologists announced that they have discovered Neanderthal DNA in human DNA, indicating human ancestors did mate with the extinct species.  Some critics contend the findings may prove flawed as researchers only sampled people living in trailer parks and at tractor pull competitions.

 

And You’re Ugly Too: The online dating site OKCupid has decided to hide the profiles of attractive people from less-attractive users.  I must be one of those unattractive members because I just received an application for a dating service for the ugly.  It called “No Expectations.”

 

Feeling Sexy:  A 20 year-old garbage collector in the South American country of Guyana has pleaded guilty to exhuming the corpse of an elderly woman and had sex with it.  Neighbors claim that everything the man touches seems to go rotten.

 

Could Be Big-Boned:  A new report says that more than 30% of the population of the South is obese.  Sounds as if the Mason-Dixon line is expanding.

 

BET Awards:  Chris Brown performed an unexpected emotional tribute to Michael Jackson at the 2010 BET Awards.  Talk about a tear jerker, what could be more touching than to watch a guy who beats up his girlfriend paying tribute to a pedophile.

 

Porn Stars’ Complaint: Porn stars are complaining that the internet’s demand for videos which can be downloaded very quickly means that the movies they make have hardly any plot or dialogue anymore. Many say that without a serious plot or dialogue, they are beginning to feel like nothing more than sex objects.

 

Pulp Fiction: Bought some orange juice at the market that was supposed to be “pulp-free.” When I poured it into a glass, it was full of pulp. I’m thinking “what’s this? Pulp Fiction?”

 

More on Gary Coleman:  Many will remember that Gary Coleman actually ran for Governor in California a few election cycles ago.  I was a big backer being that I’m for “small government.”

 

Business as Usual for New Jersey: Forty-four people, including three New Jersey mayors, two state assemblymen, several city councilmen and five rabbis have been arrested after being caught in a sting operation, accused of taking bribes, laundering money and trafficking in human organs. The problem has gotten so bad, state officials are considering appointing Rod Blagojevich governor, just to clean up the state’s image.

Moving in with Parents: Sociologists point to a new trend of adult children moving back in with their parents because of the poor economy. I have a friend who lost his job and was considering moving in with his parents, but decided it would be too much of a hassle because they’re both dead.

 

Telling Documentary: Watched a WW II documentary last night on the History Channel. I don’t know about you, but I get a little nervous when they start numbering world wars. Makes me think that they may be planning a sequel.

 

Wife Charged with Abuse: The wife of a prominent New Jersey neurologist has been charged with domestic abuse. When questioned by police, she said “he was getting on my nerves.

Flying High: Aviation Week reports that astronauts in the not too distant past were allowed to fly on at least two occasions despite warnings they were so drunk they posed a flight risk.  In related news, Amy Winehouse announced she is giving up the music business to become an astronaut.

Home Sweet Home:  Bank employees say they were shocked to find that a mouse had built a nest out of $20 bills inside an Oregon ATM machine.  When asked why a mouse would choose an ATM machine to nest, real estate analysts say “location, location, location.”  Bank officials report that the nest was relatively modest due to the bank’s $200 ATM withdrawal limit.

Man on the Moon: NASA this year is celebrating the 40th anniversary of man’s first walk on the moon.  I had no idea its been 40 years since Michael Jackson first did the moonwalk.

Disappearing Rings:  In an event that happens only once every 15 years, Saturn’s rings will turn edge-on to the sun and then suddenly disappear from view.  Scientists say that if their calculations are correct, the rings should vanish even faster than Jessica Simpson’s relationship with Tony Romo.

Underwater MP3 Player:  A surfer friend of mine was really excited because he found an MP3 player that plays underwater, so now he can listen to music while surfing.  I wonder if it works in hot water, because that’s where I usually seem to find myself?

Sting Operation: Scientists say more Americans die each year from bee and wasp stings than from snake bites.  Researchers warn that these insects are basically running a “sting operation.”

Concealed Weapon:  An obese, 500-pound Texas inmate has been charged after officials learned he had hidden a 9 millimeter gun in the slabs of his fat.  Authorities charged him with possession of a “grotesquely concealed weapon.”  I’ve always heard that obesity can be dangerous, but I had no idea this was what they meant.

Death by Chocolate: Authorities say a man has died after falling into a vat of chocolate in a New Jersey processing plant. In an act of pure selflessness, forty women volunteered to jump in to retrieve the body. According to the coroner’s report, the victim was hard and crunchy on the outside, while soft and creamy on the inside. The man will be buried in an ornamental Easter basket/casket with the body placed on a bed of neon-green plastic shredded grass.

Amy Winehouse on Trail: Recently on trail for attacking a fan, Amy Winehouse was acquitted after telling a London court that she was too short to have punched a fan in the face, pointing out that her trademark beehive hairdo “makes her look much taller than she really is.” Court observers noted that while on the witness stand, Winehouse wore a very conservative outfit, which made her appear much more sane than she really is.

Sniffing Gasoline: An Australian aboriginal man, who some claim had been sniffing gasoline, burst into flames after being tasered by police. Police warn that sniffing gasoline is a very stupid thing for someone to do. Especially with gas prices being so high.

Postponing Divorce: New statistics show that more and more couples are postponing getting a divorce because of the recession. I believe it. I have a friend who says that every time he has a fight with his wife, he checks to see how the Dow is doing.

Phone Sex: Met a girl online who wanted to have phone sex, but I found myself at a loss for words.

Bad Dog: I have a neighbor who claims that a neighborhood dog is tearing up her yard which the dog’s owner denies, so to prove it, she hired a private detective to put a tail on him.

No Gay Police: The town of Hutchinson, Kansas is trying to prevent gay applicants from joining the local police force. City officials say that “if gays are allowed to join the force, at some point they may have to permit poodles to become police dogs.”

Cat Problems: Took my cat to the vet because he wasn’t eating. The vet did some tests and said his liver had a slight accumulation of fat which often causes a cat to be anorexic. I didn’t realize cats could be anorexic, but then I remembered all the times I came home from work and found him playing Karen Carpenter songs on my iPod and it suddenly all made sense to me.

Take a Hike: South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford who had been missing for days and who’s spokesman claimed he was hiking along the Appalachian Trail, has admitted he was cheating on his wife. Now its her turn to tell him to take a hike.

Nestle Plant Closure: A Nestle plant facility that manufactures refrigerated cookie-dough products linked to an outbreak of illness E. coli has temporarily closed, and 300,000 cases of cookie dough recalled. A company spokesperson says they want to protect the public health even though it will cost us a lot of dough.

Liver Transplant: The Wall Street Journal is reporting that Apple CEO Steve Jobs moved from California to Tennessee in order to get a liver transplant. At first I thought, why Tennessee? Then, when I thought about it, it all made sense. Tennessee is the home to Jack Daniel’s whiskey. Where else would they know more about dealing with destroyed livers than Tennessee?

Sense of Smell: The Food and Drug Administration said consumers should stop using Zicam Cold Remedy nasal gel and related products because they can permanently damage the sense of smell. The FDA said that many people reported that, after using the spray, they could walk into and public restroom and not be able to smell shit.

Six Flags: Troubles Amusement Park operator Six Flags has filed for bankruptcy. The corporation will now go by the name “Six White Flags.”

Unabomber to Court: Convicted “Unabomber” Ted Kaczynski, who terrorized the country with a series of mail bombs over nearly two decades, is fighting to stop a public auction of his diaries and other personal possessions. Guess he’s afraid that releasing the diaries could damage his image.

Brooke In Touch: Brooke Shields says she wishes she would have had sex a lot earlier because it would have made her much more in touch with herself. Perhaps the reason she was not having sex earlier was because she was touching herself.

For the Environment: Australian model Miranda Kerr says she decided to appear naked in Rolling Stone for the environment, and specifically the Koalas. Now how’s that supposed to make the wallaby’s feel?

No Gay Marriage in California: The California Supreme Court has ruled to uphold the Proposition 8 ban on gay marriage. Critics claim that Republicans don’t even want to believe that humans evolved into homosapians because it has the word “homo” in it.

Left-Handed Life Span: Scientists say that on average, right-handed people live 9 years longer than their left-handed counterparts. Left-handers claim that is just not right.

Compressed Air Car: Zero Pollution Motors is trying to bring a car to U.S. roads by early 2011 that’s powered by compressed air. A company spokesperson says America is a good place for a compressed air car because of our consumption of beans and hot dogs.

No Smiling: In an attempt to stop driver’s license fraud, four states (Arkansas, Indiana, Nevada and Virginia) are ordering people not to smile for their license photos. Shouldn’t be too difficult to enforce, there isn’t much to smile about if you live in those states anyway.

Opposites Attract: A Brazilian study that found people are subconsciously more likely to choose a partner whose genetic make-up is different to their own. If that is the case, Britney Spears’ next husband will be a Rhodes Scholar.

Cynthia Nixon Engaged: Sex in the City star Cynthia Nixon has announced her engagement to female pal Christine Marinoni. She was previously married to photographer Danny Mozes. Too bad her new sweetie isn’t into photography. You can bet they could provide some interesting photographs.

Porn Star’s Death: An autopsy concluded that former porn star Marilyn Chambers died of an aneurysm. The coroner’s office added that there is no evidence that an aneurysm is some kind of kinky sex act.

Bible Quotes: The Pentagon said that it no longer includes a Bible quote on the cover page of the daily intelligence briefings it sends to the White House as it did during the Bush years. Guess this means that the Obama Administration will not go forward with the previous administration’s plans to invade Babylonia.

Cheney’s Bunker: Aids for Vice President Joe Biden deny the VP divulged the location of the bunker Dick Cheney used after the September 11th attacks. Biden’s people say how could the location have been Cheney’s bunker? There were no bats in it!

Flu Closure: A Maui jail has reopened after being closed following a flu scare. County officials warn that a similar scare at the mental health facility could result in a “one flu over the cuckoo’s nest” situation.

Cleaning Out the Fridge: Firefighters had to evacuate the AT&T building in downtown San Jose after the flagrant fumes created by office worker cleaning an old fridge created a smell so noxious that it sent seven co-workers to the hospital and made twenty-eight others ill. The fridge must have been full of old AT&T calling plans.

Quitting Smoking: Offering clues as to why smokers often gain weight after quitting, a new study suggests that smoking enhances the activity of the gene AZGP1 which helps break down body fat. Of course the fact that a former smoker consumes fifty pounds of Gummy Bears in a day has nothing to do with it.

Erase Bad Memories: Scientists say they have discovered a drug that could erase bad memories in humans. Unfortunately, they can’t remember what it was.

Bad Influence: Joe the Plumber, in an interview with Christianity Today, said he would never let “queers” near his children. Joe added that he only wants his children exposed to the fine examples provided by the Republican Party, like corporate tax cheats, Wall Street shucksters and people who torture political prisoners.

No Wind Power Here: The Kauai County Planning Commission is balking at the request of a Kilauea farmer to install a wind turbine to provide power for his farm, saying it could endanger bats flying in the area. Critic say that the concern for bats just proves that the Planning Commission is in the pocket of the Vampire lobby.

Special Note: I’d like to catch the swine who gave me the flu.

Domestic Violence Seminar: A Saudi judge angered many women in the audience at a seminar on domestic violence after saying that husbands are allowed to slap their wives if they spend lavishly. Apparently the judge thought he was attending a “how to” on domestic violence.

Interrogation Techniques: New documents seem to indicate that House Speaker Nancy Pelosi may have been briefed about harsh interrogation techniques and that she did not object, a charge she has repeatedly denied. Looks like the only way to get her to talk is to waterboard her. Oldest Rocks on Earth: Scientists claim to have found the oldest known rocks on Earth, which are believed to be 4.28 billion years old. Initially, some geologists were skeptical until John McCain confirmed he could vouch for the rock’s age.

Arm in Sling: Cindy McCain’s arm is in a sling, reportedly from someone shaking her hand too vigorously. That’s why I always give politicians the finger. Just as a precaution.

New Alzheimer’s Drug: UK scientists have developed a drug which may halt the progression of Alzheimer’s disease. Now if they can just remember to take it.

Senior Editors: While at the dentist, I saw an AARP publication that had an article which was written by a “senior editor.” I’m thinking aren’t they all “senior editors?”

Concealed Weapon:  An obese, 500-pound Texas inmate has been charged after officials learned he had hidden a 9 millimeter gun in the slabs of his fat.  Authorities charged him with possession of a “grotesquely concealed weapon.”  I’ve always heard that obesity can be dangerous, but I had no idea this was what they meant.

The Stewmaker: A suspect in police custody who calls himself a “stewmaker” for a Mexican drug lord, saying he disposed of about 300 bodies by dissolving them in acid. That’s as opposed to the 60’s when drug dealers dissolved minds with acid.

No Gay Marriage in Arkansas: Arkansas has passed a measure to ban marriage between same sex couples. Proponents say we want “normal relationships” in Arkansas like those between farmers and barn yard animals and brothers and sisters.

Arm Transplants: A German farmer who received the world’s first double arm transplant is doing well. Doctors pronounced the surgery a success when he was able to hold the hospital billing department off at an arms length.

Platinum Shotages: A European auto parts maker warns that shortages of platinum could result in shortages of catalytic converters which use the precious metal. Rock stars also expressed concern that if a new source of platinum isn’t found soon, their million-selling albums may go “cast iron.”

Home Sweet Home:  Bank employees say they were shocked to find that a mouse had built a nest out of $20 bills inside an Oregon ATM machine.  When asked why a mouse would choose an ATM machine to nest, real estate analysts say “location, location, location.”  Bank officials report that the nest was relatively modest due to the bank’s $200 ATM withdrawal limit.

Potholes New York City: is expecting twenty thousand potholes from this winter’s blizzard. City officials are concerned that there may not be enough streets to accommodate them.

Pacemaker Installed:  A spokesman for jazz great Dave Brubeck says the pianist is doing well after surgery to install a pacemaker.  Brubeck’s long-time drummer immediately expressed concern over the possibility that Brubeck may have actually had an electronic beatmaker secretly installed to eliminate the need of having to pay a drummer.

 

Jerry Lee Lewis Memoir:  Jerry Lee Lewis has signed a book deal to write a memoir of his often turbulent and controversial life.  I don’t wanna sound cynical, but I can’t imagine a guy who’s lived the lifestyle Jerry Lee has having much of memory of anything.  Besides, he’s a guy from the South in the 1950’s who married his 13-year-old first cousin.  What’s so unusual about that?

 

Studying the Constitution:  Every time I see one of those tea baggers on TV, they always try and act as if they’re some sort of authority on the constitution.  But after you listen to them talk for a while, they always seem to me to be more familiar with constipation than the constitution.

 

Shrinking Moon:  New research indicates that the interior as well as the surface of the moon have been cooling and shrinking over the last billion years or so.  In response, a Tea Party spokesman says there is no reason to believe that the earth or its moon are over 6000 years old, but even if it was, there would be no reason to build a mosque on it.

 

Baby Slapping: A Southwest Airlines flight attendant ignited a storm of controversy after taking away a baby from its mother after the mother slapped the 13-month-old crying baby in the face for kicking her.  The baby reportedly has retained Gloria Allred as council.   

 

Purple Heart:  In 1782, George Washington created the Order of the Purple Heart, a decoration to honor those who received wounds in combat.  Funny how meanings can change over the years.  If a someone were creating an “Order of the Purple Heart” today, it would probably be a medal awarded to someone injured at a gay rights demonstration.

 

Boosting Women’s Sex Drive:  Federal health regulators say that a new drug which claimed to be a “female Viagra” designed to boost women’s sex drives has turned out to be a disappointment.  Researchers did note that while the drug seemed to have little effect on the women’s sex drives, it did seem to improve their ability to demand even more expensive gifts from men.

 

Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell:  The new commandant of the U.S. Marines Corps said he wants the military to continue the current “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy.  Gen. James Amos told reporters that “this is not a social thing, I just think its a hoot trying to guess if a soldier is gay or not.  Repealing don’t ask, don’t tell would take all the mystery out of it, like someone telling you the ending of a movie.”

 

Obama Visits India:  President Obama is in India on a four-nation Asian tour to promote trade.  Indian officials told the president they are grateful for all the jobs American corporations have shipped overseas and in return, Indian corporations promise to ship tons of their products to America.

 

Cassidy Busted:  Former “Partridge Family” teen heartthrob David Cassidy has been charged in Florida with DUI, police claiming they found a half-empty bottle of bourbon in the back seat.  Cassidy’s attorney admits there was liquor in the car, but insists the bottle was really half full, not half empty.

 

Pot Legalization:  Even though voters recently rejected Proposition 19, a bill that would legalize marijuana for recreational use, pot activists say they will push for legalization again in 2012.  And of course it goes without saying that not a one of those activists will ever take another toke until pot is completely legal.

 

Hearing Loss:  The erectile dysfunction drug Viagra, and possibly other similar medications, may prompt long-term hearing loss among users, a new study suggests.  All I can say is “I heard that.”

 

Concealed Weapon:  An obese, 500-pound Texas inmate has been charged after officials learned he had hidden a 9 millimeter gun in the slabs of his fat.  Authorities charged him with possession of a “grotesquely concealed weapon.”  I’ve always heard that obesity can be dangerous, but I had no idea this was what they meant.

 

Rights of the Accused: A federal judge in Houston ruled the presence of TV news and camera crews accompanying DEA agents violates perpetrators’ rights. From now on authorities will have to first read those who are arrested their rights such as “you have the right to get an agent, you have a right to syndication money.”

 

Budget Cuts: The number of Americans living in poverty has dropped recently and Republicans are attributing that drop to the cuts in Welfare. The Administration is also are hoping that by cutting Medicare, they’ll be able to trigger reductions in the number of the elderly.

 

Jury Deadlocked:  The jury in former Illinois governor Rob Blagojevich trail deadlocked on all but one of the 24 charges again him.  Emotions in the courtroom ran high after the verdict as one bystander heckled the former governor calling him “you son of a Blagojevich.”

 

Transformerd:  Heidi Montag says she’s devastated by the death of the plastic surgeon who performed 10 procedures on her last year adding the he “was the most amazing person I have ever known and he completely transformed my body.”  Too bad she never found anything that could transform her brain.

 

SARS: Health officials now think SARS could be spread by contact with fecal matter from an infected individual. Yet another reason not to take shit from anybody.

 

Bird Flu: Scientists in Germany say tests confirm that a cat died of the H5N1 bird flu virus. It is believed that the cat ate an infected bird and scientists have now issued this urgent warning: “no matter how hungry you are or how empty your refrigerator may be, avoid eating your cat.”

 

South Dakota Abortion: Bill Gov. Mike Rounds said he is inclined to sign a bill that would ban nearly all abortions in South Dakota.  A spokesperson for Planned Parenthood said that while this is not exactly good news, it should have little impact because there is almost no one in South Dakota that anyone would want to have sex with anyway.

 

New Study Questions Fitness of Fiddles:  New research appears to debunk the common myth about being “fit as a fiddle.” In the first extensive study of its kind, researchers at Akron University compared 100 fiddles to 100 professional athletes over a period of five years and concluded that the fiddles not only lacked even the most minimal criteria for fitness, but basically had almost no athletic ability at all. Dr. Harold Dinglehimmer, the chief physiologist who headed up the project, added that “instead of being fit, we found the fiddles to be rather pudgy in the mid-section, although we do have to admit that most of the fiddles did have long, slim necks.”

 

Church Gathering Brings Protesters: As members of the Allendale, Rhode Island Episcopal Church gathered for their annual steak dinner, they were surprised to find a rather large group of protesters chanting outside the chapel. When one of the protesters was asked why they opposed the dinner, she said “because we believe in the separation of church and steak.”

 

Cheney Shoots Fellow Hunter: An investigation is pending after Vice President Dick Cheney shot a fellow hunter in the face and chest with shotgun pellets. The men were on a weekend quail hunting trip at a South Texas ranch when the shooting occurred. The controversy stems from the fact that Cheney originally told investigators that he thought he was firing on Aaron Burr, but later changed his story insisting that he was forced to squeeze a round off quickly because a deadly quail was threatening to attack, adding that “our intelligence indicates that there is no greater threat to national security than wild quail.”

 

Gillette Announces New Razor:  In the latest development in the razor wars, Gillette announced it will soon begin selling a new razor with 137 blades. The new razor will weigh 70 pounds and come with a shoulder harness for stability. When asked how practical such a razor would be, a company spokesman said that “practicality is not the issue. The issue is which razor has the most blades. If you’re shaving at the gym and the guy next to you is using a razor with only 3 or 4 blades, there’s an element of pride going on here.”

 

Government Announces New Changes for Tornado Categories:  The National Weather Service said it is changing how it categorizes tornadoes after finding that it doesn’t take 300 mph winds to disintegrate homes. Joe Schaefer, director of the service’s Storm Prediction Center, said he realized the changes were necessary after watching a video of the “Three Little Pigs” with his younger daughter Amy in which the Big Bad Wolf was simply able to huff and puff and blow the house down. In addition, Schaefer said his agency will also be contacting local communities where wolves are likely to be present and ask them to reconsider building codes.

 

Apple Announces New iPod:  In its quest for an ever smaller iPod, Apple Computer today announced an iPod that is so small, it cannot be seen by the naked eye. Unfortunately, the product may not be available for some time due to the fact that after the iPods were manufactured, no one could find them.

 

Computer Makes Fined: The SEC announced it will fine several prominent computer makers after it was discovered that the companies have been subsisting computer chips with potato chips. The switch was initially discovered when UCLA student Lisa Swartzbaum took her new computer to a repair shop where the potato chips were immediately discovered. Ms Swartzbaum did say that the chips were absolutely delicious (sort of a French-Onion flavor), but she needed her computer to be functional so she could do her homework.

 

Tea Party Supporters:  A new poll reports that 84% of Republicans say that they support the Tea Party.  Big surprise there.  Isn’t that a little like asking Starbuck’s patrons if they like coffee?

 

Lake Home Destroyed:  Actress Ricki Lake’s ocean-front home was has burned down.  Perhaps she should stick to lake-front rather than ocean-front.

 

Mayor Killed:  Mexican police say that the mayor of a small Mexican town in the drug-plagued western state of Michoacan has been found stoned to death.  Authorities say they can’t be certain if the slaying is tied to the drug cartel or if the mayor was accidentally mistaken for an Iranian woman having an extra-marital affair.

 

French Accent:  In an unusual occurrence, a severe migraine attack left an English woman speaking with what sounds to many to be a French accent after.  The accent finally went away after she was defeated by the Russian Army while attempting to invade Siberia in the winter.

 

Suicide Rate on Maui:  The Hawaii State Department of Health reports that Maui has the highest suicide rate in all Hawaii.  That kind of gives new meaning to the bumper sticker slogan “here today, gone to Maui.”  As someone who lives on Maui, I know their the pain.  I can’t begin to tell you how many people I run into every day at the beach who cry out “if only I lived in Cleveland!”

 

Moose Advisory Committee?: Minnesota’s Moose Advisory Committee is calling on the state to do more to preserve and develop the moose habitat in Minnesota. Get serious! Minnesota has a “Moose Advisory Committee?” And the committee’s two most prominent members are Rocky Raccoon and Bullwinkle J. Moose aka Rocky and Bullwinkle?

 

ELO Death:  A former cellist with the rock group Electric Light Orchestra (ELO) has been killed in a car crash when a 1,323 pound bale of hay rolled out of a field and into the path of his van.  Wow!  About the only thing that could be weirder than that would be if the hay bale was pushed out onto the road by a unicorn.

 

New Miss Universe:  A 22-year-old women from Mexico has been crowned the 2010 Miss Universe in Las Vegas.  Arizona officials say they’ve stepped up security patrols along the Nevada border to insure that she doesn’t try to slip into Arizona.

 

Home Sick Home:  Brittany Murphy’s mother is shooting down speculation the her daughter and son-in-law Simon Monjack died because of a toxic “black mold” found in the home they all shared.  I never realized they color-code mold.  Now that’s what I call an extreme case of “homesickness.”

 

Soup Recall: Campbell Soups has issued a recall of 15 million pounds of SpaghettiOs.  A company spokesman says the “O’s” basically represent what’s going to happen to profits after the recall.

 

Help for Addicts:  A new study reports that an epilepsy drug may help addicts kick the cocaine habit.  This gives new meaning to the term “kicking the habit.”

 

Right on the Button: Scientists have discovered that the reason blacks dominate on the running track and whites in the swimming pool is primarily due to the position of their belly-buttons.  A follow-up study concluded that the only reason anyone would waste time studying belly-button positioning would be that their heads are most likely positioned directly up their gluteus maximus.

 

New iPhone: Picked up the new iPhone 4 today.  Well, I didn’t actually buy one.  Someone left it on a bar stool, so I just took it home.

 

Better off Dead: Research released by the American Journal of Public Health estimates that 45,000 deaths per year in the United States are associated with the lack of health insurance. An insurance industry spokesperson countered that we should all be grateful that these people were lucky enough to die before getting old enough to have to appear before one of the government’s death panels.

Lifetime Achievement Award: Fugitive director Roman Polanski, who fled the United States after being convicted on charges of having sex with a minor back in 1977, has been detained in Switzerland where he was to receive a lifetime achievement award. I never realized that there’s a lifetime achievement award for having sex with minors.

Wheat Code Cracked:  British scientists have announced that they have finally cracked the genetic code of wheat.  What’s so new about “cracked wheat?”

 

Martial Arts Practitioner: A man who was so proficient in the martial arts that his hands were once licensed, was recently beaten up and left for dead on a New York City street. When asked how this could happen to someone so accomplished that his hands were once licensed, city officials said that’s what can happen when no one renews the license.

Love those Hazelnuts:  Workers have unearthed a 9,000-year-old hunter-gatherers’ house on Great Britain’s Isle of Man which scientists say was surrounded by many ancient shells, indicating the home’s first inhabitants must have consumed a lot of hazelnuts.  Additional evidence of hazelnut consumption were the empty bottles of Frangelico scattered about the place.

Dog Snatched:  Jessica Simpson has put up reward posters all around her neighborhood asking for the return of her toy Maltese poodle which was reportedly snatched right in front of her by a coyote.  Now everyone’s aware that Jessica Simpson isn’t exactly the brightest person who’s ever walked the planet, but I think someone to ought to mention to her that coyotes aren’t known to spend a lot of time reading notices posted in local neighborhoods and its pretty unlikely that a coyote could be swayed to give up a meal by the promise of reward money.

More Books?:  Reports are circulating that Jurassic Park author Michael Crichton, who passed away last November, will have two more books coming out later this year or next.  It makes you wonder how he can still put out more books when he’s dead?  Then it occurred to me, he must have a ghost writer.

Crazy Field Trips: Authorities in the state of Washington have recaptured a criminally insane killer who escaped while on a field trip to a county fair.  What a terrific idea, taking a criminally insane killer on a field trip to a county fair!  And while you’re at it, why not add to the fun by taking Osama Bin Laden on a tour of US Defense facilities or perhaps inviting Roman Polanski to visit a local day care center?

Fish of the Day:  Went to a north shore restaurant where the waiter told me that the fish-of-the-day was Gray Snapper.  Now everyone’s heard of Red Snapper, but what the hell is Gray Snapper?  A Snapper who’s hit middle age?  And will the makers of “Just for Men” soon be coming out with a “Just for Snapper?”

New Saxophone:  A girl I know who is a musician called the other day to tell me she had just gotten a new saxophone and then played it for me over the phone.  Afterwards, I thought, did I just have phone sax?

Six Flags: Amusement Park operator Six Flags has filed for bankruptcy.  The corporation says will now go by the name “Six White Flags.”  During the bankruptcy hearing, company officials admitted that their policy of accepting customer IOU’s for admittance to rides probably was a big mistake.

Smelly Commuters:  The Honolulu City Council has dropped plans to ban smelly persons from public transit vehicles.  The council decided that the law wasn’t really needed because not that many politicians ride public transportation anyway.

Bad Investment:  Actor Tom Selleck has been awarded more than $187,000 after a California jury found the actor was duped into buying a lame horse with a medical condition rendering it unfit to ride.  Not known for his savvy investing, Selleck also reportedly lost a bundle after investing in a herd of lactose intolerant cows.

Late Bloomer: A 92-year-old woman by the name of Dame Vera Lynn has become the oldest living artist to have a number one album in Britain. Now, plans have been just announced for her to join the Rolling Stones for a 50-nursing home mega-tour in the fall. And speaking of fall, tour promoters confess that this is perhaps the first time that there will be more concern about fans falling and breaking a hip than overdosing on drugs.

Happy Halloween: For several days neighbors observed the lifeless body of a Marina Del Rey man who had committed suicide by shooting himself in the eye slumped over on his patio, but assumed it was part of a Halloween display. Of course these were the same neighbors who assumed that a cross burning last spring in front of a nearby African-American church was part of their Easter celebration.

 

Chapter Eleven: Ran into an old friend of mine the other day and asked him what he’s been up to. He told me he’s now moving into Chapter 11. I told him I’m really sorry to hear that. He said “oh, not financially, just in the book he’s reading.”

 

Walk a Mile in My Shoes: A Columbus, Ohio man is reporting that his car broke down and that he had to walk the entire way to an appointment at his podiatrist’s office.

Personal Fouls: NFL officials say they are disturbed by the alarming amount of personal fouls committed in the league this year. However, some psychologists point out that its much nicer to commit a personal foul than an impersonal one.

 

Hair for Sale: A clump of hair believed to have been trimmed from Elvis Presley’s head has sold for $15,000 at a Chicago auction house. Wow! That’s a lot of money for a clump of hair! At that rate of return, we could retire the entire national debt just by cutting a small strip off Robin Williams’ back.

 

Transplant Woes: Papworth Hospital, a leading UK medical facility has defended its practice of using organs donated by smokers after a soldier died after receiving the cancerous lungs of a heavy smoker. Papworth executives expressed hope that the negative publicity doesn’t additionally jeopardize the hospital’s practice of using alcoholics as donors for liver transplants.

 

Dancing Stars: Tom Delay surprised everyone by announcing that he was quitting Dancing With the Stars because of stress fractures on both feet. Watching Tom Delay dance reminded me of some words of wisdom my dear mother told me just before she passed on which was “son, never spend hard-earned money to watch white people dance.”

 

Sex Tape: An aide to former Presidential candidate John Edwards claims that the ex-senator and his former mistress once made a sex tape. The way I look at it is, if a Presidential candidate must make a sex tape, let’s just be grateful that it wasn’t John McCain.

 

Erasing Bad Memories: In a recent issue of Nature Neuroscience, researchers say they believe they’ve discovered a substance that could help erase bad memories in humans. Scientists say that while all tests aren’t yet complete, they have identified the substance as a brown liquid and that it appears to say Jack Daniels on the label.

 

NFL Forgetfulness: A study commissioned by the National Football League reports that Alzheimer’s disease or similar memory-related diseases appear in NFL players at nineteen times the normal rate for men their age. Frightening stats, unless you’re a former member of the 1976 Tampa Bay Buccaneers (0-14) who consider this welcome news.

 

Late Show Blackmail Plot: David Letterman has publicly acknowledged that he has had sexual relationships with female staffers on his show and that someone has tried to extort $2 million from him to keep the affairs from going public. This, of course, is in stark contrast to my life, where most of the women I’ve had relations with would probably be willing to pay me not to mention it.

 

 

 

Solar System Rocks Counted:  A newly completed NASA survey of space rocks in our solar system revealed 20 new comets, more than 33,000 asteroids, and 134 other near-Earth objects.  Now just what’s the point of counting all the rocks floating around in the solar system?  Are they afraid someone’s gonna try and steal some of them?

 

Chief Resigns:  Hank Krakowski, chief operating officer of the Air Traffic Organization has resigned following recent reports of air traffic controllers sleeping on the job.  When asked what he’ll do now, Krakowski said he has no immediate plans other than to sleep in.

 

Another Air Traffic Controller Suspended: In the seventh incident reported to the FAA this year, an air traffic controller in Miami has been suspended for sleeping on the job. Things have gotten so bad that the FAA has been forced to admit that their program of extending preferential hiring to Narcoleptics has been nothing short of a colossal failure.

Contaminated Meat:  Researchers determined that nearly half of the meat for sale in the US may be contaminated with drug-resistant staph bacteria.  In response, health officials are recommending that consumers buy the meat that isn’t contaminated.

 

Epilepsy Pill Recall:  Pharmaceutical giant Johnson & Johnson has issued a recall of 57,000 bottles of a widely used epilepsy pill because of complaints of a chemical odor.  The company said that while the odor was in fact mildly offensive, it wasn’t really bad enough that someone should have a big fit over it.

 

Pot Growers Adding to Global Warming:  Legal indoor growers of medical marijuana in the U.S. will use $5 billion worth of energy or 1 percent of the nation’s electricity supply and produce 17 million metric tons of carbon dioxide this year, according to a study by of Lawrence Berkeley National Laboratory.  Not to mention depleting much of the world’s known junk food reserves.

 

Prehistoric Birds Saved by Sense of Smell:  Researchers suggest that the ancestors of modern birds may have survived the mass extinction that wiped out their dinosaur forebears by having a better sense of smell.  I see it as a curse. The way I look at it, if that meant that you could smell the feces being dropped by some of those 175-ton dinosaurs, I’m not so sure I’d want to survive.

 

Overweight Bus Passengers:  The federal government says they may have to rewrite bus safety rules because more and more overweight passengers are squeezing onto buses which are limited as to how much weight they are allowed to carry.  Testifying before the commission, a spokesperson for the bus riders claimed that the passengers are not really overweight at all, but simply big-boned.

 

Clinton Statue: The country of Kosovo recently unveiled an 11-foot tall statue of former US President Bill Clinton in its capital of Pristina. A Kosovo official stated that they really wanted the image to be a realistic portrayal of the former President, so it was decided that the statue be located in Pristina’s red light district.

 

Strong Bones: Pharmaceutical giant Amgen has failed to win approval from the FDA for a bone-strengthening drug that the company has been counting on to propel its growth. An FDA spokesperson said Amgen could have saved a lot of time and money had they just taken the time to consult Sally Field first. Financial analysts warn this is what can happen when you try and tie economic growth to bone growth.

 

Americans Becoming Immigrant Workers: With the nation’s unemployment rate at a 26-year-high of 10.2%, more Americans are hunting for, and landing, work overseas according to a new study commissioned by staffing companies and executive search firms. Responding to the report, recently unemployed CNN anchor Lou Dobbs said that this story gives him hope that he too will eventually be able to find work overseas as an immigrant worker.

 

Bat Love: Scientists have discovered that female Chinese fruit bats add oral sex in an attempt to get the males to prolong the act, suggesting the behavior confers evolutionary benefits. I would imagine that the benefits would extend even beyond evolution.

 

Bar Fighter: Rachel Christie, the reigning Miss England, has been forced to relinquish her crown after being arrested for fighting with another beauty queen in a bar. On a positive note, after learning of the drunken bar brawl, Jagermeister immediately named her their new spokesperson.

 

Useless Drugs?: Congressional investigators say that the FDA has allowed drugs for cancer and other diseases to stay on the market even when followup studies showed that that the drugs didn’t extend patients’ lives. FDA officials say that while the drugs may not have extended patients’ lives, paying for the drugs did manage to considerably extend patients’ credit card debt.

 

Pay Toilets: The chief executive of the European budget airline Ryanair says he plans to begin charging passengers to use to the bathroom. I don’t think I wanna be on one the flights when someone who really needs to use the bathroom suddenly finds himself a little strapped for cash.

 

Solar Water Heating: A spokesperson for the Kauai Island Utility Cooperative Energy Services reports that in 2009, more than a third of Kauai residences have their water heated by the sun. The idea really seems to be really catching on, even the Pacific Ocean is rumored to be using the sun to heat its water.

but  but I couldn’t concentrate.

Switching Sides: Samoa recently became the first nation since the 1970s to order its drivers to switch from one side of the road to the other. Sociologists say this may be the biggest switch we’ve seen since George Michael switched sides back in the 1990’s.

 

Kauai Marathon: Everyone seems to be calling the Kauai Marathon a terrific success. Perhaps, but I wonder how insects such as ants might view the event if they had their own newspapers? The headlines would probably read something like, “thousands killed in stampede!”

 

Expanding Pupils: The pupil of the eye expands as much as 45 percent when a person looks at something pleasing. And depending upon what you’re looking at, I’ll bet that the pupil isn’t the only thing expanding.

 

Please Don’t Feed the Bears: A 74-year-old Colorado woman who had been repeatedly warned about feeding bears and other wildlife, has been attacked and eaten by a bear. Now there’s someone who’s really dedicated to “feeding the bears.”

 

Wi-Fi Connection: A New York woman has become the first American recipient of a Wi-Fi pacemaker that allows her doctor to monitor her health over the Internet. A Starbucks spokesperson said that should she come into one of our coffee houses, she will be required to purchase at least one hot coffee drink per hour if she expects to stay alive.

 

Flying High: Aviation Week reports that astronauts in the not too distant past were allowed to fly on at least two occasions despite warnings they were so drunk they posed a flight risk.  In related news, Amy Winehouse announced she is giving up the music business to become an astronaut.

 

Man on the Moon: NASA this year is celebrating the 40th anniversary of man’s first walk on the moon.  I had no idea its been 40 years since Michael Jackson first did the moonwalk.

 

Zapping Nerves:  Cardiologists say they are extremely excited about a new experimental treatment that is using “radio waves” to zap nerves near the kidneys that help control high blood pressure.  Doctors also announced that those radio waves are being provided by radio station KLOS in Los Angeles, home of “Southern California’s Best Rock.”

 

Acidic Sea:  The EPA is warning states that the rising acidity in coastal waters is quickly becoming a threat to aquatic life.  The agency says they have already accepted sealed bids from the makers of TUMS and Rolaids, which the EPA hopes will spell fast relief.

 

Newly Discovered Fault Line:  Scientists at Idaho State University have mapped a previously unknown and active seismic fault in the northern Rockies capable of unleashing an earthquake with a magnitude as high as 7.5.  Seismologists further point out that while the fault does not run through an area that is densely populated, we do consider most of the people we encountered who live along the fault line to be rather dense.

 

Silent Film Star Dies:  Silent film child star Marie Osborne Yeats, who was known as Baby Marie Osborne in films such as “Little Mary Sunshine,” has died in California at age 99 of undisclosed causes.  The family said they initially were going to disclose the cause of death, but have chosen to remain silent in honor of her career in film.

 

Anti-Matter:  After successfully trapping the first anti-atoms, which are known for smashing into and annihilating matter, scientists now plan to conduct basic experiments such as shining a laser onto it and seeing how they behave.  Researchers say if the anti-atoms are found to behave properly, they will then be admitted and permitted to mingle in polite society.

 

Tabloid Bankruptcy:  The recession’s toll on consumers has forced supermarket tabloids the National Enquirer and Star to file for bankruptcy protection.  Publishers say the bottom line is that “enquiring minds want a solid revenue stream.”

 

Suitcase with a Fuse:  German and Namibian authorities report that an Air Berlin flight from Nambia was delayed after police found a bag with a fuse in the luggage hall of the airport in the southern African nation’s capital.  No bomb was found and police later leaned that fortunately, the “fuse in a suitcase” is simply the latest fashion statement in trendy luggage.

 

Pot and Brain Function:  A new study found that regularly smoking marijuana over the years may lower cognitive function, especially if the person starts smoking before 16 years of age.  My guess is that if you’ve been smoking pot continuously since before you were 16, concerns regarding cognitive function probably rank way below more pressing issues such as “where the hell did I put the bag Cheetos or who’s gonna make the beer run?”

 

Stress Risks:  A Federally funded study concluded that women, like men, face increased risk of heart attack and stoke from job stress. I could be wrong, but I’m not sure that this study really does anything but give women in high stress jobs yet another thing to worry about.

 

Hair-Flip Technique:  Scientists say there are 52 “flirting signals” used by humans and of these, the “hair-flip technique” is the most common and perhaps the most successful.  On the other hand, the least successful has been determined to be the “pick your nose while driving technique.”

 

Nazi Safe Haven:  A secret history which the Justice Department tried to keep secret for years, concludes that American intelligence officials created a “safe haven” in the United States for Nazis and their collaborators after World War II.  And if one is inclined to believe Glenn Beck and Fox News, most of them have found that “safe haven” over at the Obama White House.

 

Pedestrians Beware:  New data indicates that the deadliest city in the country for pedestrians is Orlando, Florida.  Big surprise.  Let’s see, you have elderly pedestrians dodging elderly drivers.  Sounds like fun to me.  Its pretty weird when the streets of Orlando have become more frightening than the scariest ride over at Disneyworld.

 

Young Coral:  A recent study concludes that there are certain areas where ocean acidity are posing a serious threat to young coral.  Yet another example of how important it is to settle down in the right neighborhood.

 

Ozone Thinning:  Experts warn that the thinning ozone layer could leave the world’s whales scarred from severe sunburn.  I smell a windfall for the suntan lotion manufacturers.  Can you imagine the cost of putting lotion all over a humpback whale?

 

Forest Ranger:  Betty White, a long-time advocate for animal causes, has been awarded the honorary designation of Forest Ranger.  Fellow animal activist Jessica Simpson says she hopes Betty White’s appointment to Forest Ranger will help, but reminds people that the animals still aren’t completely out of the woods yet.

 

Effects of Insomnia:  Scientists at the University of Maryland say that the long-term health effects of insomnia may not be as harmful as once thought.  The study concluded that while insomnia can be somewhat unpleasant for the short-term, it appears that the long-term effects are really nothing to lose sleep over.

 

Women with Advanced Degrees:  New census data indicates that women are just as likely to be in possession of advanced degrees as are men.  I’ve always liked women with advanced degrees.  In fact, I once dated a woman who had a “Thighmaster.”

 

Obesity in America:  Health officials say that 2/3 of Americans are fat.  In related news, 2/3 of Americans say health officials are ugly.

 

Home Gyms:  A new study says that home gyms are now on the rise.  Unfortunately, I can’t afford the membership fees.

 

Mouth to Mouth:  Police in Pennsylvania have arrested a man with public drunkenness after he was observed along a highway trying to resuscitate a dead possum by using mouth to mouth.  Police said that while they don’t approve of the man’s drunken behavior, the possum was, in fact, quite attractive.

 

Down on the Farm:  A convicted cocaine smuggler has been arrested for running what authorities say appears to be a bestiality farm in Washington state in which visitors could engage in all sorts of twisted sex acts with animals.  This will definately make it awkward for anyone in Congress to claim we need more farm subsidies.  Sort of gives new meaning to when someone says they’re “going down on the farm.”

 

Scarey Drive:  Took a drive around up Haleakala crater.  I have to admit it can be frightening going up that one-lane road with all those hairpin curves and no guardrails.  But then I thought to myself, “hey, I’m driving in a shiny, new late-model Toyota.  What could possibly go wrong?”

 

Claiming the Dead: Coroners and medical examiners across the country are reporting large spikes in the number of unclaimed bodies, the majority left by families who say they don’t have the money to pay funeral costs. To combat this, the government is proposing a “cash for cadavers” program.

 

Water Situation: During the big storms this past week, the Kauai County Department of Water warned island residents in some areas that drinking water which isn’t boiled may cause nausea, cramps, diarrhea, vomiting and headaches. County officials are urging residents who think that boiling water is too much of a hassle to head over to Safeway, purchase the cheapest bottle whiskey you can find and drink that instead, adding that “if you’re gonna face headaches, vomiting and diarrhea, you may as well have a little fun.”

 

Science Moves On: A 34 year-old British scientist disclosed that she is not only a scientist, but Belle de Jour, who’s famous blogs about her secret life as a prostitute and call girl were turned into books and a TV series. Let’s face it folks, if that doesn’t get our young people interested in science, nothing will.

 

Camping: I’ve been trying to get a friend of mine to go camping up in Kokee, but to no avail. Now this is definately not someone you would call the outdoors type. In fact, she’s one of those people who thinks she’s in the wildness when she walks past the sporting goods section at Wal-Mart.

 

Crappy Job: Pilots for Florida air cargo company Amerijet International claim their job is nothing short of a nightmare with no sick pay, low wages and no place to go to the bathroom on flights except in plastic bags. Don’t think I’d wanna breath the “air” in that air cargo jet. And, to make matters worse, the inflight meals consisted of coffee, prunes and bran muffins.

 

Mad at Britney: Its being reported thats hundreds of fans stormed out of a Britney Spears concert in Perth, Australia after it became obvious that the pop star was lip-synching her songs. Let me get this straight, you go to a Britney Spears concert and are disappointed that the experience was rather shallow and phony? Gee, what a surprise! Besides, who cares if she’s lip-synching? How many people go to a Britney Spears concert to hear her great singing voice?

 

Voting Results:  Disenchanted voters swept Democrats from power in the House of Representatives and strengthened the ranks of Senate Republicans.  In contrast, our nation’s “enchanted voters” cast their ballots in a entirely different manner by voicing soft but clear affirmations to their house plants, practicing hatha yoga and signing up for vegan cooking classes.

 

Vertebrates Threatened:  A conservation summit in Japan was told that twenty percent of the world’s vertebrate creatures are threatened with extinction, mostly from human damage to habitats.  The summit closed by asking “do we humans have the backbones to do what is necessary to save them?”

 

Expecting a Child:  Lance Armstrong announced that he and his girlfriend are expecting a child, which would be his 5th child.  Wow, this guy really has been “Sir Lance a lot!”

 

Collection Agency:  A Florida woman claims a debt collector went too far in sending her harassing messages via Facebook.  When informed about the situation, Facebook immediately blocked the debt-collector from posting on her wall.  Relieved, the woman says she feels deeply indebted to Facebook for taking action.

 

Green Tea:  A Japanese study found that drinking green tea does nothing to reduce the risk of breast cancer. Researchers concluded that just about the only risk that drinking green tea reduces is the risk that someone would want to steal your drink if you let it set unattended on the table at Starbuck’s.

 

Randy Travis Divorce:  Randy Travis and his manager-wife have divorced, ending a 34-year business and professional relationship.  Eyewitnesses say that as Travis and his ex were leaving the courtroom,

 

Till Death Due Us Part: Wal-Mart has started selling caskets and urns on their website, often at prices that may undersell funeral homes. Let’s hope there’s a big employee discount for Wall-Mart associates, who with their meagar healthcare benefits, probably will be in need of the caskets.

 

Require More Meds: Recent studies have found that natural redheads may be more sensitive to pain and may therefore need more anesthetics to numb them. This is in contrast to blondes, where its the people around them that appear to require medication.

 

Against Coal: College students across the country are protesting the use of coal to provide power to their schools, demanding a more green source of energy. Students say they will not tolerate anything short of the total elimination of everything that still uses coal, up to and including the music of Broadway composer Cole Porter.

 

Dead Star:  Astronomers have discovered light from a star that exploded over 13 billion years ago is just now reaching earth.  Wow, even the Post Office is faster than that.

 

Moving to New Jersey: The city of Asbury Park, NJ announced that is considering allowing women to sunbathe topless on its beaches.  Almost immediately, guys in neighborhood bars across the city began toasting the measure with a hearty “bottoms up.”

 

Charities Feeling Pinch:  Charities report seeing significantly more demand for their services this holiday season at a time when donations are down due to the economy doing so poorly.  The Salvation Army claims its gotten so bad, they can no longer afford to offer salvation with their Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners for the needy anymore.

 

Depression and Cancer:  University of British Columbia researchers say depression can affect the likelihood of surviving cancer, with death rates nearly 40 percent higher for cancer patients diagnosed with major or minor depression.  To counter this effect, the study recommends that everyone diagnosed with cancer be sent home with smiley faces stuck to their lapels along with a free iTunes download of Bobby McFerrin’s “Don’t Worry, Be Happy.”

 

Elvis Lives:  According to Elvis Presley Enterprises, there are more than 84,000 performers whose principal occupation is impersonating Elvis.  And even more surprising, the bulk majority of them are made up of former Chilean miners.

 

Diabetes Threat:  The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention warns that it is possible that one third of Americans will suffer from diabetes by 2050 if obesity trends continue.  Guess that’s what happens when all the role models like Karen Carpenter are no longer around.

 

Death of a Mortician: The Spartanburg, South Carolina Herald-Journal is reporting the death of local town mortician and funeral director Herman G. Pickerly, who fancied himself not only a mortician, but also an artist. The paper reports that when he died, he left behind a large body of work.

 

Eight is Enough:  Oscar-winning director and actor Mel Gibson, who’s wife filed for divorce from him last spring, has become a father for the eighth time with girlfriend Oksana Grigorieva.  Now facing alimony and child support payments for seven children, its no wonder some still refer to him as “Braveheart.”

 

Coyote Attack:  Authorities say two coyotes attacked and killed a promising young musician as she was hiking alone in a national park in eastern Canada.  A spokesman for the Royal Canadian Mounted Police say the coyotes initially tried to pin it on wolves, but police quickly ruled out wolves after crack investigative teams determined that CNN anchor Wolf Blitzer was hosting the popular cable news program “the Situation Room” at the time and the “big bad wolf” was obviously just too old to huff and puff and blow anyone’s house down anymore.  This, according to Mounted Police, left the coyotes as the only viable suspects.

 

Mamas and the Papas:  Mackenzie Phillips, the former childhood actress reveals in a tell-all book that her dad, musician John Phillips of the Mamas and the Papas, and she had a long-term consensual, incestuous relationship.  When questioned about how frequently she and her father would get together, Mackenzie said every “Monday, Monday.”

 

Out of the Park:  Baseball analyst Steve Phillips has been fired by ESPN after admitting having a sexual affair with a production assistant at the cable network.  ESPN management says that while they try not to meddle into employees’ private affairs, we have to draw the line when someone makes a big production assistant out of it.

 

Valium Inventor Dies: Leo Sternbach, the man who invented the drug Valium has died at age 97. The news set off a bit of a panic for the pharmaceutical markets on Wall Street. Fortunately, investors had plenty of Valium to calm them down.

 

Stay Away from My Lunch: Dangerous flesh eating bacteria have been found for the first time in the sand and water at public beaches along the coast of the state of Washington. Attorneys representing a group of local great white sharks have filed a complaint with the EPA accusing the bacteria of trying to hone in on their territory.

 

Women Get Prettier: Anthropologists say evolution is causing women to become increasingly more attractive while men are basically staying about the same or losing ground. Oh yea, then how do you explain Whoopi Goldberg, Rosie O’Donnell and Amy Winehouse? In other news, gay men say they don’t believe in evolution anymore.

 

MTV Video Music Awards: It just wasn’t Taylor Swift’s night at the MTV Video Music Awards. First, Kayne West interrupted Swift’s acceptance speech for best female video. A little later in the show, Beyonce invited Taylor to come back up on stage to finish her speech, she was again interrupted when South Carolina Congressman Joe Wilson began yelling “you lie” from the audience.

 

Bat Romance: U.S. scientists are reporting success after having spent over three years and nearly $5 million listening to thousands of recordings of love sounds emitted by romantic bats in an effort to decode exactly what sparks a bat’s romantic interests. Gee, I guess the study’s worth the time and money if you’re interested in dating bats. I could make a few suggestions myself. If dinner is on the agenda, make sure to select a place with plenty of insects on the menu. After dinner, head to a really cool, dimly-lit spot where the two of you can just “hang” for the rest of the evening.

 

Tourism: North Korea has just agreed to reopen its border with South Korea and resume tourism ventures. Terrific news! Its about time this vacation wonderland is open again. Its hard to imagine anywhere that would be a more fun-packed vacation than North Korea. And there’s nothing like watching a military parade to honor Supreme Leader Kim Jong-il to warm the hearts of the entire family. I’ve just booked reservations at one of Pyongyang’s “no bed and no breakfast inns.”

 

Taking the Fall: A man plunged 30 feet through a rusted-out metal plate on a New York City sidewalk after stepping outside an Off-Track betting parlor to smoke a cigar. Guess you can say smoking really is hazardous to your health. My guess is that with luck like that, we don’t have to ask how well the horse he bet on did.

 

Movies: Last weekend, a friend of mine asked me if I wanted to come over and watch a movie she had rented called “Dances with Wolves.” I told her “no thanks, I don’t care for musicals.”

 

Failed Again: This morning I tried to make orange juice from concentrate, but I couldn’t concentrate.

 

Paris Banned:  In light of her arrest for possession of cocaine, socialite Paris Hilton has been banned from the Las Vegas resorts Wynn and Encore, a spokesman for the properties confirmed.  Surely, you have to know you’re a little over the top when your behavior becomes a bit too much for even “sin city” to tolerate.

 

Employee of the Year:  A Florida sheriff who was voted “employee of the year,” was arrested for abuse of power after it was discovered that he was using his badge to coerce people to let him to perform oral sex on them.  Gee, guess it doesn’t take a genius to figure out how he got to be “employee of the year.”

 

I’m Thinking:  Scientists estimate that the human brain produces 70,000 thoughts on an average day.  And if you think that figure is a bit high, think again…and again and again.

 

Flu Dangers:  In a recent study, U.S. researchers found that mothers who are exposed to influenza during pregnancy may greatly increase risk of schizophrenia in their offspring, often years later.  Guess that explains “One Flu Over the Coocoo’s Nest?”

 

What a Pain:  A University of Michigan Health System study finds that women with high sensitivity to pain in the genital area were also extremely sensitive to pain in surrounding areas.  In fact, some of these women’s surrounding area were so sensitive they were considered a pain in the ass also.

 

Cornfield Art: A New Jersey farmer mowed down a 60-foot-wide swastika someone had hacked out in his cornfield. The farmer says he has no idea how it got there, but has a theory: “Fascist pigs.”

 

Obesity in the Bedroom:  European researchers say that obesity may lead to problems in the bedroom.  That’s pretty easy to figure out.  You get so fat, you can’t get laid.

 

Cutting Poverty: The number of Americans living in poverty has dropped recently and Republicans are attributing that drop to the cuts in Welfare. The Bush Administration is also are hoping that by cutting Medicare, they’ll be able to trigger reductions in the number of the elderly.

 

Sleeping Babies: A Saint Louis University study shows that babies who sleep in adult beds can be up to 40 times more likely to suffocate. To test their hypothesis, researchers placed babies in bed between Kirstie Alley and John Goodman.

 

Monkeys Go Fishing: Scientists say they have discovered a group of macaque monkeys that actually fish. Skeptics wonder if they are really fishing or just monkeying around.

 

Genetic Map: Dutch scientists say they have mapped the full genetic sequence of a woman for the first time. Researchers say they hope to one day discover the source of the female Nordstrom’s store locator gene.

 

Mars Landing: The U.S. space agency’s rover Phoenix has landed and is sending images back from Mars. Scientists were shocked to discover that Starbuck’s had already opened a coffee house within walking distance from the landing site.

 

Lazy Eye: Prozac, the popular antidepressant, might also be an effective treatment for adults with a “lazy eye.” Especially if you’re depressed about having lazy eye.

 

What Mothers Eat: A recent study says that a pregnant women’s diet may influence the sex of her child. I don’t know about gender, but you can pretty much guess what your sexual orientation is gonna be if your mom ate kumquats.

 

Snail Consumption: In France, people eat approximately 500,000,000 snails per year. In the event of a shortage, it is feared people may slug it out.

 

Potholes: New York City is expecting 20,000 potholes from blizzards this coming winter. City officials are concerned that there may not be enough streets to accommodate them.

 

Hip Replacement: Rumor has it that aging rock star Prince has had secret hip replacement surgery. I fully understand why he’d want the surgery to be secret.  I imagine its a little difficult to pull off looking “hip” after you’ve had a hip replacement.

 

Benefits of Ginger:  Ginger has been clinically demonstrated to work twice as well as Dramamine for fighting motion sickness, according to researchers. In fact, the madame who runs the brothel says that more patrons ask for Ginger than any of the other girls.

 

Odd Couple: A newly married English couple discovered that they were brother and sister shortly after tying the knot. When asked about their future plans, the couple said they’ll probably relocate to West Virginia.

 

Crocks Dying: Authorities say as many as 26 endangered crocodiles have been found dead in northern India. Guess we don’t have to guess what kind of tears were shed for them.

 

Autopsy Results: An autopsy has concluded that former porn star Marilyn Chambers died of an aneurysm.  The coroner went on to clarify that there is no evidence that an aneurysm is some kind of kinky sex act.

 

Bad Swordfish Scare: A local Santa Monica restaurant was fined after it was discovered that the swordfish they were serving was really a double-edged swordfish. Many patrons complained that after eating the swordfish, they found themselves speaking with a forked tongue.

 

Women and Geography: Researchers are trying to determine how a woman who didn’t know the difference between Washington DC and Washington State was able to identify and locate every Nordstrom’s in the Western Hemisphere.

 

Rabies Quarantine: In what is being described as a major bureaucratic snafu, CNN anchor Wolf Blitzer has been placed under a 30-day rabies quarantine after landing at Honolulu International Airport in Hawaii.

 

Bartenders Stage Protest: The National Bartenders Union will stage a giant rally Monday to protest the impact global warming is having upon their jobs. Bartenders claim the ice is melting way too fast in their cocktails.

 

Importance of a Good Education: A man who was involved in a love triangle said he had to drop out because he just couldn’t do the math. He’s now urging other young men to study hard if they want to fulfill their dreams and fantasies.

 

Medical Terminology: In an apparent reversal of its previous position, JAMA, the Journal of the American Medical Association, now says that “up the ying-ying” is in fact not actually a medical term.

 

Public Restrooms: A influential group of sociologists and public officials are cautioning the general public not to immediately attribute that awful smell one may encounter in a Starbuck’s or Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf restroom to the individual you see leaving while you are waiting to enter. Donna Shalala, the former Secretary of Health and Human Services in the Clinton Administration added “that often it was the guy before the one you see leaving who actually stunk the place up and besides, in this country, we have a long tradition of innocent until proven guilty.”

 

Conference Ponders Aging: Issues At an upcoming meeting of the American Conference on Aging, scientists will tackle issues such as at what age do people begin thinking “I believe I want my next car to be a Ford Crown Victoria?”

 

Foley Checks Into Alcohol Rehab: Florida Congressman Mark Foley immediately resigned and checked into alcohol rehab after being confronted with inappropriate messages he had sent to House Pages. Alcohol rehab? It seems to me his problem isn’t 15 year old Scotch. It’s 15 year old boys.

 

The Red Sea: Environmentalists are concerned about a plan to transfer water from the Red Sea to the faltering Dead Sea. After some resistance, it was decided that the Dead Sea is “better red than dead.

 

Reason for Murder: A New Jersey neurologist’s wife has been arrested for killing her husband. When asked why she did it, the women said “he got on my nerves.”

 

Smoking Risk: New research shows that cigarette smokers have a 68% higher risk of impotence. Now we know why people smoke after sex.

 

Water Safety: A report put out by the Environment Protection Agency says that 40% of the nation’s fresh water is unsafe. To be on the safe side, next time you have a glass of water, pour half of it out.

 

Profanity in School: A girl in the second grade was suspended from school after using the word “hell” in class. School officials say that if anyone uses profanity, there will be hell to pay.

 

Concealed Weapons: The Texas legislature has just passed another concealed weapons bill. Unfortunately, they can’t find it.

 

Christmas Tree: Workers in Cleveland mounted a 57 foot spruce Christmas tree. Wow! Don’t they have girls in Cleveland?

 

Tourette’s Syndrome: Researchers say they’ve found a gene that contributes to Tourette’s Syndrome. Next, researchers plan to study why so many of those who carry the gene tend to become truck drivers.

 

Naughty Pictures: A 50-year-old Swedish man was arrested after attempting to get pictures and movies developed showing him having sex with two cows. Authorities say the man treated the poor cows as nothing more than just a “piece of meat.”

 

Across the Boarder: Polls are showing that Americans are growing impatient over the volume of Mexicans sneaking across the boarder seeking work. I don’t really have a problem with that. My only issue with Mexicans is over what they did to Billy Bob Thornton and Jason Patric at the Alamo.

 

Intelligent Design: Have you ever noticed that most people who advocate “Intelligent Design” usually aren’t?

 

Father of the Child: Zsa Zsa Gabor’s husband is now saying he may actually be ther father of Anna Nicole Smith’s child. So far, just about the only person not claiming paternity of the child is Mary Chaney.

 

No Meds: Rush Limbaugh created quite a stir when he suggested that Michael J Fox, who appeared shaking uncontrollably in a pro-stem cell commercial, was either faking it or did not take his meds. And who should know better than Rush Limbaugh about what going off meds looks like?

 

Cocaine Not That Great: A former addict is urging others using cocaine to quit like he did adding that “cocaine” isn’t really all its cracked up to be.”

 

Cause of Death:  Health officials have issued their final ruling on the death of model Anna Nicole Smith. Dr William Proxmyer says that tests have concluded that Ms Smith was “drop dead gorgeous” and that she simply “dropped dead.”

 

Miss California Outraged by the Treatment of Detainees: Miss California, Carrie Prejean, says she was angry upon hearing that the government took one of the detainees waterboarding 183 times. The beauty queen added that many people have to work two and three jobs just to make ends meet and hardly ever get to go to the beach anymore. Why should the prisoners get to have all the fun?

 

Lawyers say Michael Vick Unfairly Targeted: Lawyers for Falcon’s quarterback Michael Vick claim he is being unfairly targeted for dogfighting. Vick’s lawyers went on to add that every day the women on “The View” have a “catfight” and no one prosecutes them.

 

Drunk Astronauts Aviation: Week reports that astronauts were allowed to fly on at least two occasions despite warnings they were so drunk they posed a flight risk. In related news, Lindsey Lohan has announced she is giving up show business to become an astronaut.

 

Concerned About Obama: Jon Voight accused Barack Obama of “sowing socialist seeds in young people” in an op-ed piece published in the Washington Times. He did lose some credibility, however, after he went on to say that the only person who can save America from sliding into the abyss is Wendell Willkie.

 

Iceless Ice:  The Japanese are debuting the new technology of iceless skating rinks which they say could save a skating rink owner $190,000 a year. When asked who would want to go to a skating rink with fake ice, a spokesperson said a perfect match would perhaps be a gentleman who has a blowup doll instead of a real girlfriend. It would be an ideal skating date for the two of them.

 

Kentucky Derby Tragedy: Filly Eight Belles collapsed with two broken ankles shortly after finishing second in the Kentucky Derby. Witnesses claim that the horse was initially given the option to commit suicide, but refused and was euthanized right on the track.

 

Fertilizer Crises: Some analysts predict that the rising the cost of fertilizer will soon threaten world food production, however, a spokesperson for the National Fertilizer Coalition says the analysts are full of shit.

 

Massive Rodent: Scientists in Uruguay have found the fossil remains of a 2,000-pound rodent that lived 2 million to 4 million years ago. I’d be more concerned about the house cat you’d need to catch it.

Ocean Birthing:  Many “green” expectant parents are now planning to give birth to children in the Ocean. Some doctors are warning against the practice claiming that it sounds more like an idea great white sharks would came up with.

 

Bad Salad: A North Canton, Ohio restaurant worker has been arrested after being caught putting small amounts of arsenic into the chicken salad at a local eatery. When asked why, the man said “I wanted to make a dish to die for.”

 

Domestic Partners: With the culture changing to recognize “domestic partners,” my cat now insists on being referred to as a “domesticated partner.”

 

Pulp Fiction: Bought a carton of orange juice that claimed it was basically “pulp free.” When I poured it out into a glass, pulp poured out just as always. I’m thinking what the hell is this, pulp fiction?

 

MENSA: I was a member of MENSA at one time, but they threw me out because I did something stupid.

Orange Juice Drinkers: Tired of losing orange juice drinkers to low-carb diets, Florida’s citrus growers are fighting back with a new ad campaign. And they’re calling the campaign “Carb Your Enthusiasm.”

New Recordings Planned: The Dixie Chicks have just announced plans to rerecord every song ever written.

Party Animal: There have been reports that the captured Muslim cleric Khalid Shaikh Mohammed was known to party a bit. Guess that explains where the song “Shaikh, Shaikh, Shaikh … Shaikh your booty” came from.

Neanderthals Scientists: now feel that Neanderthals and modern humans did not mix and when they died, that was the end of their Neanderthal pool. How then do they explain tractor pulls?

Chain Gangs: Alabama has become the first state to revive “chain gangs.” And the Alabama Attorney General pledged not to stop there. He said they’ve appointed a special commission to review the lyrics of every Sam Cooke song to search for additional potential improvements to the state’s criminal justice system.

Hearing Loss: A Louisiana man claims in a lawsuit that Apple’s iPod music player causes hearing loss. When asked if they were aware that iPod’s may cause hearing loss, an Apple spokesperson said “we haven’t heard a thing.”

Dulls the Appetite: British scientists announced that they have discovered a substance that dulls the appetite. It’s called British food.

Dangerous Clubs: Utah has outlawed gay student clubs, saying such clubs “recruit others into a lifestyle that can kill them.” I guess that means they’ll be banning ROTC too.

Disappearing Rings:  In an event that happens only once every 15 years, Saturn’s rings will turn edge-on to the sun and then suddenly disappear from view.  Scientists say that if their calculations are correct, the rings should vanish even faster than Jessica Simpson’s relationship with Tony Romo.

Bee Stings: Scientists say more Americans die each year from bee and wasp stings than from snake bites.  Researchers warn that these insects are basically running a “sting operation.”

Phobias:  Arachibutyrophobia is the fear of getting peanut butter stuck to the roof of your mouth.  And Ortographobia is the fear of having to spell words like Arachibutyrophobia.

 

A New Park: California legislator Mike Davis wants the state to take over Michael Jackson’s Neverland Ranch and turn it into a state park.  The state is competing with Roman Polanski who wants to turn the property into a day-care center.

 

Lazy Americans:  Only about 5% of American adults do some type of vigorous physical activity on any given day, according to the results of a new study.  Wonder if they’re counting those who vigorously try to avoid any vigorous physical activity?

 

Monkeys Go Fishing: Scientists say they have discovered a group of macaque monkeys that actually fish.  Apparently the fishing is so prevalent, Sears has begun offering the monkeys special discounts in their block and tackle department.

 

Invasive Airport Policies:  Despite deluge of passenger complaints, the government says it is holding firm on its policy of body scans and airport pat-downs.  Perhaps that’s where the objections arise, the government’s holding just a bit too firm when they do the pat-downs.

 

Strangler Released:  An Illinois Correctional Center reports that they are releasing a convicted murderer is 12 years after he strangled his ex-girlfriend to death.  I can see where if someone strangles their girlfriend to death, that would pretty much put her in the “ex-girlfriend” category.

 

Statehood:  This month marks the 107th anniversary of Oklahoma being admitted to the union as a state.  And to this day, the people of this great nation of ours are still asking themselves “why?”

 

Asteroid Dust:  Japanese scientists have confirmed that dust particles found inside the Hayabusa probe after its seven-year space trip are from the asteroid Itokawa.  Reseachers told reporters that even though the dust does in fact come from the heavens, its still not correct to refer to it as “angel dust.”

 

Restores Vision:  Neuroscientists recently announced that they have developed a retinal implant that restores vision in blind mice.  The scientists say that now we’ve overcome this obstacle, the next logical step would be to “see how they run.”

 

Wrong About Beheadings:  Arizona’s tough, anti-immigration governor Jan Brewer admitted she misspoke during her stammering debate performance when she claimed that headless bodies were turning up all along the US-Mexican border.  Some were skeptical about how contrite she really was, however, when after the debate Gov. Brewer claimed that the press had tried to bite her head off.

 

LA Heat Wave:  The National Weather Service reports that temperatures hit 113 degrees Fahrenheit in downtown LA this summer, the highest since records began in 1877.  Sounds like one of God’s cheap tricks to get Kim Kardashian to shed more clothing.

 

Bounced Check:  Democratic Rep. John Conyers, the powerful  chairman of the US House Judiciary Committee, had his driver’s license suspended after the check he wrote for his renewal fee bounced.  I don’t think he should be condemned for that.  After all, Conyers is eighty-one and seeking a 24th term, its likely that that check is just about the only bounce he has left.

 

Sight Restored: A sixty year-old Mississippi woman had her sight restored after a tooth was implanted in her eye as a base to hold a prosthetic lens. I was wondering how in the world could they implant a tooth into someone’s eye? Then it occurred to me, they must have used one of her eye teeth.

Obesity Rates:  A new study published in the journal Pediatrics finds that obesity rates are higher among minority girls.  The researchers urge girls who might be concerned about their weight to eat right, exercise frequently and, if possible, try to have caucasian parents.

 

Crystal Meth: In his upcoming autobiography, eight-time Grand Slam tennis champion Andre Agassi admits he used crystal meth for a year around 1997.  Agassi added that because of his success on the tennis court, he was able to afford the more expensive “Waterford Crystal Meth.”

 

Botox Blues:  The maker of Botox has agreed to pay $600 million to settle charges that it illegally promoted and sold the drug for unapproved uses like treating headaches.  Call me old-fashioned, but I think I’ll stick to aspirin.

 

New Psychotic Drugs:  A new study has determined that young children and adolescents who take the newest generation of antipsychotic medications risk rapid weight gain and metabolic changes that could lead to diabetes, hypertension and other illnesses.  The study concluded that you’d have to be crazy to take drugs like these.

 

Flight Schedules:  The FAA has revoked the licenses of two Northwest Airlines pilots who told federal investigators that they were going over schedules on their laptop computers while their plane overflew their Minneapolis destination by 150 miles.  Sounds like they pretty much won’t have to worry about their schedules from this point on.

 

Shower Dangers:  Researchers at the University of Colorado tested showerheads from across the country and determined that the fixtures harbor tiny bacteria which spray into your face when you shower.  Technicians point out that someone using one of these contaminated showerheads would be literally taking a “cold shower.”  In response to the study, doctors now recommend that everyone get a flu shot before taking a shower.

 

Record Setting Pace: Ohio, facing lawsuits over botched executions, had to put their record setting execution schedule on hold after failing to find a physician willing to advise them about alternatives to the state’s lethal injection process. Makes you wonder, where’s Dr Kevorkian when you really need him?

 

Big Block of Ice: I stopped in a local North Shore bar the other day and they handed me a drink with a massive chunk of ice in it. When I asked the bartender what’s up with this, he apologized and said that their ice machine has been on the blink. I told him its fine for me, but I cautioned him against using such a huge chuck of ice should Kate Winslet ever drop in for a drink.

 

Red Sea Water: Environmentalists are expressing concern over a plan to transfer water from the Red Sea to the faltering Dead Sea. After some debate, it was decided that the Dead Sea is “better red than dead.”

 

Improve Image: The tabloid press are reporting that Amy Winehouse spent $57,000 for breast implants, supposedly in an effort to improve her image. If she really wants to improve her image she doesn’t need to spend $57,000 on fake breasts. How about simply taking a bath and shampooing her hair once in a while?

 

Obesity Figures: Physiologists, alarmed by the rise in obesity, say obesity is measured by body mass index (BMI), defined as the weight in kilograms divided by the square of the height in meters with a BMI over 25 defined as overweight, and a BMI of over 30 as obese. No wonder so many people are obese. Who could do the math?

 

Glass Balcony: Sears Tower in Chicago has added new viewing balconies made entirely of glass that are suspended 1323 feet above the ground. I’m guessing that this would be one “glass ceiling” no career minded woman would ever want to break.

 

Basketball Fairness: President Obama is being criticized by women’s advocates and liberal bloggers for hosting a high-level basketball game with no female players. Administration officials say they fear that if women were invited to play, it may turn into a game of “pick-up basketball.”

 

Dead Rabbit Toss: A town in New Zealand has reluctantly cancelled its annual dead rabbit-tossing contest

for children following protests from animal welfare advocates. I could be wrong, but isn’t it a bit late to protest after the rabbits are already dead? And if the children still wish to toss something dead, instead of bunnies, have them toss around the Dodgers’ World Series ambitions.

 

 

Marijuana Laws: In a directive with far-reaching political and legal implications, the Justice Department said that people who use marijuana for medical purposes and those who distribute it to them should not face federal prosecution, provided they act according to state law. In related news, the Obama Administration announced its decision to nominate Woody Harrelson for Secretary of Agriculture.

 

Nobel Endeavor: Now that Barack Obama has won the Nobel Prize, supporters are now hopeful that the Nobel Committee will one day recognize the heroic efforts of Dr Truman C. Higgenbottom, a cardiologist who’s dedicated his life to eradicating heart defects in artichokes.

 

Praying Mantis: I was over at a friend’s house the other day when I came across what looked like a praying mantis who, oddly enough, never seemed to assume the praying position. I wondered what’s up with that and then it occurred to me, this one’s an agnostic.

 

Racism Still Around: Some are claiming that election of Barack Obama and his subsequent winning of the Nobel Prize may signal the decline of racism worldwide. I don’t know about that. There’s still a “whites only” cycle on my washing machine.

 

Paper Money:  The US Treasury reports that our so-called “paper currency” is actually not paper, but is made of cotton/linen material consisting of a 75% cotton/25% linen blend with silk fibers running through it.  An angry Tom DeLay said that had he known that earlier, he would have paid more attention to the “laundering” instructions.

 

Convicted Pirates:  Five Somali men have become the first people convicted in the US of piracy in nearly 200 years.  No wonder Johnny Depp moved to France.

 

Reinstated:  The Associated Press is reporting that a lesbian flight nurse who was discharged “under don’t ask, don’t tell,” is being allowed to rejoin the Air Force and get her old job back.  Lesbian Flight Nurses?  Now if that isn’t a plot for a porn film, I don’t know what is.

 

Jell-O on the Highway:  Highway officials are cleaning up after 52 pallets of Jell-O fell from a truck and spilled onto a highway in Northern Iowa.  Gee, Jell-O mixed with road kill.  Guess it doesn’t take a genius to figure out what the special at the truck stop down the road is gonna be for the next week.

 

Unhappy About Sex:  A new study says that baby boomers are the group who are most unhappy about their sex lives.  Come on, what do you expect?  For the most part, they’re all pretty much stuck having sex with fifty and sixty-year-olds.

 

More Salad Bars:  Michelle Obama is pushing a plan to put 600 salad bars in public school lunchrooms over the next three years.  I don’t know if that’s such a smart move. The fattest people I’ve ever seen were at salad bars.

 

Home Sickness:  Researchers say homesickness isn’t really about missing your home, but more about our instinctive need for love, protection and security which most of us associate with home.  Funny, I always assumed it was about having to listen to relative’s endless bickering, which is enough to make almost anyone sick.

 

New Cardinals:  Pope Benedict XVI recently formally created 24 new cardinals amid cheers in St Peter’s Basilica.  The Pope said he wished them well and hoped they would enjoy playing at Busch Stadium under Tony La Russa.  Fans say it will be heavenly to watch them play the Angels.

 

Troubles Water:  New Orleans is now under the most widespread “boil water advisory” since Katrina after a power failure at the city’s main water treatment plant.  City water officials say they expect the advisory to affect busy, professional women the hardest, you know, the ones who claim they “can’t even to boil water.”  While a terrible inconvenience, city officials point out that this is really nothing compared to an Old Testament-type boil advisory.

 

Airline Screening Backlash:  With the holidays approaching, many airline passengers are objecting to the enhanced screening techniques being employed at the nation’s airports.  Meanwhile, aviation officials refuse to back down and recently announced plans to further enhance searches by stationing a proctologist at every checkpoint.

 

Too Involved:  While bonding is nice, a study has found that female friends who dwell too much on each other’s problems exhibit a dramatic spike in the stress hormone cortisol.  The study also determined that the male companions of these same females exhibited a huge spike in their consumption of Jack Daniels.

 

Lottery Winner:  A lottery ticket purchased at a porn shop in Detroit has won a group of friends $129 million.  Wow, 129 Million?  I know that crime doesn’t pay, but porn sure seems to.

 

Street Power:  U.S. researchers say that solar heat absorbed by city streets could be harvested to create energy to power streetlights, illuminate signs, heat buildings and melt ice.  Paradoxically, all the “ice” being sold on city streets also draws plenty of heat to the area.

 

Helicopter Safety:  Responding to a recent spike in fatal accidents, the FAA is proposing stricter flight rules for Helicopters.  I don’t know very much about flight rules, but I recently took one of those Helicopter tours above Maui, and all I know is that once the pilot sobered up, everyone had a really memorable experience.

 

Munster Rehab:  Butch Patrick, the former child star who played boy werewolf Eddie Munster, has checked into a drug and alcohol treatment facility.  I can see where it could be tough for a boy werewolf to fit in, having all that hair would mean kids constantly teasing you about looking like an Arminian.

 

Political Muscle:  Political analysts say that one of California’s most powerful political players these days is a Bay Area-based nurses’ union who proved influential in torpedoing Republican Meg Whitman’s gubernatorial ambitions.  Makes sense.  With half of California’s population in rehab at any given time, I can see where nurses would wield a lot of power.

 

Back in the Spotlight:  After a long absence, George W. Bush is once again back in the limelight promoting his new book.  Wow!  Seeing former President Bush all over the TV screens again is kinda like “dubya vu” all over again.

 

Living Together:  Unable to find work, more young adults are “doubling up” with significant others according to the Census Bureau.  And with obesity rates running at nearly 40% in some states, they ain’t kidding when they say we’re “doubling up.”

 

Goodbye Platinum:  Music critics say that in this iTunes era, the concept of an album going platinum is passé, adding that these days its really only singles that count.  I don’t think that’s a fair assessment.  Married people buy music too.

 

Paddle Theft:  A Maui woman has been arrested after stealing a backpack and only one of the two paddles from a nearby canoe club.  Talk about having only one oar in the water.

 

Hawaii Election Results:  As a result of this past election, Hawaii’s legislature is now the nation’s most one-sided in the country, with 88% of the seats now held by Democrats.  No wonder they refer to the place as “Blue Hawaii.”

 

Goodbye Pontiac:  Pontiac, the brand that invented the muscle car under flamboyant engineer John DeLorean, will be no more after 84 years.  Which, ironically, happens to coincide with the average age of a typical Pontiac buyer.

 

Botox for Migraines:  Federal health officials have just announced they’ve approved the wrinkle-smoothing drug Botox for the treatment of migraine headaches.  Botox for headaches?  Gee, if you thought Nancy Pelosi was totally Botoxed out before, after this week’s elections results, she’ll be ordering the stuff by the case.

 

Delaware Voting:  Tea Party favorite Christine O’Donnell has lost her bid to become US senator from Delaware.  The election was not without controversy as some polling places in primarily Democratic districts had to be closed after scores of voters were reportedly turned into frogs.   

 

Not Crazy:  Randy and Evi Quaid say they aren’t crazy, on drugs or mentally unstable and are just trying to be good Hollywood Samaritans by trying to warn the rich and famous about the star whackers who are out to get our nation’s celebrities.  Funny how the “star whackers” only seem to be after the people who are pretty much whacked out to begin with.  When confronted about the allegations, theoretical physicist Stephen W. Hawking vehemently denied being a “star whacker,” pointing out that his work as a cosmologist is extremely time consuming which leaves him very little surplus time to devote to destroying the lives of American celebrities.

 

Fallen Income: Celebrity gossip columns are reporting that singer Amy Winehouse’s net worth has fallen from $16 million to $2 million just this past year. When reached for comment, Winehouse attributed everything to the fact that the cost of living has increased to over $125 a gram.

Hung Jury: A jury in a recent forgery trail in Littlerock, Arkansas became deadlocked and the judge declared them a “hung jury.” I’m thinking wow, hanging seems like a pretty stiff penalty for not being able to reach a verdict!

 

Cigarette Recall: Tobacco giant Philip Morris is recalling its top selling brands of cigarettes because of a defect.  They must have made a batch that doesn’t cause cancer.

Gun Deaths: The Centers for Disease Control says that guns are the second leading cause of premature death just behind AIDS. The CDC warns that, if you’re do have unprotected sex, don’t use a gun.

White Matter: Scientists at USC report that people who habitually lie and cheat have more white matter in their brains.  Guess that’s where “little white lies” come from.

Sexual Harassment: The latest data indicates that sexual harassment is down to 17% from 37% in 1992.  Researchers are now trying to evaluate how much Bill Clinton’s retirement may have impacted those statistics.

Supplement Effectiveness: A new study of the supplements glucosamine and chondroitin determined that they had no effect on pain, that is, other than the fact that it is a pain to take them every day.

Concealed Weapons: The Texas legislature has passed a concealed weapons bill. Unfortunately, they can’t find it.

Best Gym Equipment: New research shows that the best piece of equipment in the gym for cardio fitness is the treadmill. And to think that we laughed at the hamsters all these years.

Women’s Memories: A new study shows that estrogen appears to help protect women’s memories from decline due to aging. After being given estrogen, researchers found that women once again were able to bring up things their husbands did years ago and throw it back in their faces.

Homosexual Experiences: A new study found that 11% of women 18 to 44 reported having at least one homosexual experience. And 95% of men reported they would like to watch.

Kissing the King’s Hand: The new Saudi King has banned the kissing of his hand. The King did add however, that kissing his ass will still be permitted.Against Evolution: The superintendent of the Warren, Arkansas school district says he is so against the teaching of evolution that he would personally like to rip all the pages that refer to evolution out of school text books. And he promises to do just that just as soon as he figures out how to use his thumbs.

Hairy Guys:  Experts say that more and more men are seeking solutions for removing unwanted hair.  I believe it.  I have a friend who is so hairy that when he walks into a room, cats sneeze.  I’ve seen cats begging for food, but this is the first time I’ve ever seen them begging for Sudafed.

Montana GOP Wants Homosexually Illegal:  The Republican Party in Montana has adopted an official platform in support of making homosexual acts illegal.  So much for the conservative’s claim about being opposed to government intervention in our lives.  Oddly enough, with all the closeted gay politicians in the GOP that have been outed lately, you’d assume that Republicans would be in favor of “big government.”

 

Comics Going Pink:  The Sunday funny pages will be in shades of pink Sunday, October 10th in support of breast cancer awareness month.  I understand doing something for cancer awareness, but through the funny pages?  Who would have ever dreamed that that cancer stuff could be such a barrel of laughs.

 

Good News for Whales: The Federal Government is considering removing the once nearly extinct Humpback whale off the endangered species list because it is making such a big comeback. Guess they’ve made it over the hump.

Stress and Overeating: A new study says that sleep deprivation and stress can lead to overeating. So if you find yourself staying up nights, worried that you’re not gonna get to Dunk’n Donuts before they close, you pretty much may as well go ahead and open up an account at the nearest plus size boutique.

Playmate Marge: Cartoon character Marge Simpson will appear with a two page centerfold in the November issue of Playboy. You can bet that her body parts are probably a lot less fake than any of the “real” playmates.

Dinner Halted: Sheriff’s deputies broke up a steak dinner fundraiser at First Christian Church in Canton, Ohio after authorities claimed the church failed to get the proper permits to serve food. Guess that must have fell under the separation of church and steak.

A Medium: Went out with a girl over the weekend who claimed that she was a medium. I said “I’m sorry but I just don’t buy that medium crap. You look more like an extra-large to me.”

This Town Stinks: The tiny town of Bridgewater, South Dakota is suing to recover cleanup costs from a company that abandoned a local meat plant, leaving behind what is being described as an almost unimaginable stink from 44 tons of rotted bison meat. Guess you could consider the cleanup cost sort of a “buffalo bill.”

Body Shape: A new study says that “pear shaped” women have a significantly higher risk of asthma. Because of this, doctors now caution women who desire that their bodies be shaped like a type of fruit, make sure you choose your fruit wisely. In a related study, people who have “turkey neck” were found to be more likely to attend Thanksgiving dinner than those with “cauliflower ear.”

Economic Advice from Alaska: Former Alaska Governor Sara Palin has just returned from giving a closed door speech to investors in Hong Kong, for which she was reportedly paid three hundred thousand dollars. When asked if she sees any parallels between today’s economy and the “the Great Depression,” Palin expressed her doubts, pointing out that back in the 1920‘s and 30’s we didn’t have drugs such as Prozac or Zoloft to treat depression like we have today.

No Hybrids in Ohio: Ohio legislators have passed a bill banning human-animal hybrids.  I had no idea human-animal hybrids was such a pressing issue in the Buckeye State.  Guess that’s one way to clear out all the trailer parks.  Bet that makes the people in Arizona grateful that all they have to worry about is banning illegal aliens.

 

Swine Flu Victim: Colombian President Alvaro Uribe has the swine flu and officials have advised other South American leaders who met with him at a summit of the infection, authorities said. An angry President Uribe held a press conference from his hospital bed to say “I’d like to catch the swine who gave me the flu.”

Antidepressant Use: New statistics show that use of antidepressant drugs in the United States doubled between 1996 and 2005. They do have their side effects though. The doctor put a friend of mine on antidepressants, now he hates depressed people.

Artificial Leg: A 48-year old female elephant who lost her leg to a land mine is now walking fine after receiving an artificial leg in Thailand. Paul McCartney said that while he thinks the artificial leg is wonderful news, he has no plans to marry the elephant at this time.

Plant Trees:  Director James Cameron is enlisting groups from 15 countries to plant one million new trees.  While most ecologists think its better to select a wide variety of trees, critics fear Cameron’s only trying to get poplar.

 

Bach Good for the Brain:  New neurological research indicates that listening to classical music composed by Johann Bach can actually make one smarter as well as helping the brain to be more balanced.  In response, “Fox News” announced they will now be known as “Bach News,” who’s motto will be “Smart and Balanced.”

 

Don’t Know Who’s Vice President:  In a recent Pew poll, 64 percent of Hispanics, 51 percent of young adults and 45 percent of blacks could not name Joe Biden as the vice president.  Wonder if it was that they couldn’t or that they wouldn’t identify Biden as vice president?

 

Living Together:  The Census Bureau reports a 13% jump in the number of unmarried couples living together with the opposite-sex.  Unlike me, who’s living situation should probably be defined as simply the “opposite of sex.”

 

Womb Dangers:  Recent studies are finding indications that obesity, diabetes and mental illness among adults are all related in part to what happened to them in the womb decades earlier.  Researchers point out that that’s why its so critical.

 

Worst Cellphone Provider:  Worst Cellphone Provider: According to a new Consumer Reports survey, AT&T is the worst wireless provider despite boosting wireless spending by $2 billion this year. Unfortunately for consumers, most of that $2 billion was spent on bonuses for wireless executives.

Unabomber Property for Sale:  A western Montana realtor has listed the parcel of land once owned by the Unabomber up for sale.  The realtor is quick to point out that while the property has no running water and no electricity, it is said to have one of the best outhouses in western Montana.

 

Census Figures:  US Census officials say the population of the United States may now be between 306 to 313 million people.  Officials say the discrepancy between those two figures should be resolved just as soon as we finish tabulating exactly how many children Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt have actually adopted.

 

Jumpsuit Yields Big Bucks:  The embroidered blue jumpsuit that Johnny Cash wore as he rehearsed his 1969 concert at San Quentin sold for $50,000 at auction, ten times higher than was expected.  This news is said to be causing a real stir among all those hoping to acquire some of Hillary Clinton’s outfits after she retires from public service.

 

Medications Sold to Dealers:  The DEA reports they are starting to see an increase in Medicaid prescriptions being sold to drug dealers.  Yea, well who couldn’t see that coming with people like Sally Field shouting about how great Bonita makes you feel day after day?

 

Stepping Down:  Jeffrey Kindler, CEO of the world’s biggest drugmaker Pfizer, has stepped down unexpectedly after less than five years heading the firm.  Rumor has it that Kindler was unhappy with the fact that his company paid healthcare program had no prescription drug plan.

 

Why it Works:  In an interview with Vanity Fair, Russell Brand discussed why his marriage to Katy Perry works.  Wow, they got married way back in mid-November and are still are together?  Just think what a powerful message that sends to celebrity couples thinking about hooking up.  If this marriage can last over three weeks, then there really is hope that other Hollywood marriages can achieve that kind of longevity also.

 

Math Lab:  The University of Hawaii is claiming its new MyMathLab is really giving students who are in need of math support a big boost.  This is in contrast to my old Alma mater, where students are getting a slightly different boost with a program called MyMethLab.

 

Pet Spending:  American consumers spent about $45.5 billion on pet products and services in 2009, according to the American Pet Products Association.  The association said it wasn’t clear exactly what percentage of that money was spent at cat houses.

 

Hip Replacement:  Singer Billy Joel is reportedly recovering well after double hip surgery.  Joel’s publicist says that the surgery should really help him connect with the audience when he’s preforming on the nursing home circuit.

 

Bigger Mammals:  New research shows the great dinosaur die-off paved the way for mammals to explode in size, some becoming quite massive.  Well I’ll be damned.  I always just assumed it was because there were no gyms or fitness centers back in those days.

 

Fat Bellies:  In one of the largest studies to examine the dangers of abdominal fat, those with larger waistlines were found to have increased chances of developing heart disease, asthma, cancer and dementia.  A follow-up study also determined that these people, when purchasing clothing, typically had to purchase the larger-sizes.

 

Not Taliban:  Afghan officials say the man they believed was a most senior Taliban commander and with whom they had spent months in secret talks, was actually an impostor.  The fraud was finally exposed when he was asked what he knew about Islam he responded “that depends on what your definition of Islam, is.”  The man is now facing charges of impersonating a terrorist.

 

Pot Bust:  A U.S. Border Patrol spokesman says country singer Willie Nelson was charged with marijuana possession after 6 ounces was found aboard his tour bus in Texas.  What a surprise.  I didn’t realize that Willie had glaucoma.

 

Back from the Dead:  Although its a species believed extinct for over 5,000 years, some researchers are claiming that it may be possible to bring a mammoth back to life within four years.  Or there’s the possibility that they could just be trying to pull the wool over our eyes.

 

Pat Buchanan on Illegal Immigration: Conservative anti-immigration activist Patrick J. Buchanan said today that the new film “King Kong” demonstrates how dangerous it can be to bring immigrants into this country, even on a temporary work visa. According to Buchanan, “many immigrants aren’t even grateful for all the opportunities they are offered here. Look at the facts. King Kong is from a third world country or even worse as they don’t have to battle dinosaurs in third world countries. He is brought to glitzy, glamorous New York, he’s given a good job at a time when so many were out of work during the Depression (he only had to do one show a week), he had a beautiful blonde girlfriend and still he’s not happy. Some are just never satisfied.”

President Bush Defends Health Care Spending: President Bush today answered critics who claim his administration is not spending enough money on health care. The President said he plans to allocate sixteen million dollars to distribute flyers to expectant mothers urging them to avoid sleeping on down pillows, which could effectively elimate most cases of Downs Syndrome.

Bush Defends Drug Company Profits: President Bush today defended what some are calling exorbinate profits of drug makers by pointing out the important role they play in our economy. The President went on to say that “had Eli Lilly invented Prozac back in the 1930′s, there might not have been a Great Depression.”

Man Loses Arm After Drinking Tea:  A 57 year-old Detroit man is suing Starbuck’s after to having to have his left arm amputated shortly after he consumed a cup of Green Tea at the popular establishment. Medical experts concluded that the man must have been served gangrene tea by instead of their regular Green Tea.

Cost of Housing:  The government reported today that the cost of housing now consumes nearly 40% of an individual’s income. A West Virginia man added that “it’s getting so bad I was considering moving back with my parents. Then I thought about it and decided that it would just be too much of a hassle. They’re both dead.”

Government Reports Crack Ho Shortage: The US Bureau of Labor Statistics indicated this week that several major metropolitan areas across the country are experiencing a shortage of quality crack ho’s. The agency added that “while there are still plenty of crack ho’s for all who need them, quality crack ho’s are becoming more difficult to find. It important to bring this data to the public’s attention before the shortage becomes critical.”

LA Earthquake: LA had an earthquake that seismologists originally rated at 5.8, but then decided it was 5.4. I once had a girlfriend who was five four and she could really shake, but I’m not sure if that information will help seismologists.

Swearing in Public: According to witnesses, a man standing outside the courthouse in the south Georgia town of Valdosta started “swearing up a storm.” Police were called in, but the man was released after city officials decided they needed the rain.

Brett Favre Considers: Comeback A three-time MVP, quarterback Brett Favre is rumored to be considering a comeback next year. Upon hearing the news, Frank Gifford says that he too will be coming back. However, it won’t be to play football. He’s just going to go back to his urologist for another prostate exam.

Wonder Woman Finds Body: Lynda Carter, who played Wonder Woman on TV in the 1970′s, discovered a body floating on the Potomac River. After examining the body, the coroner declared it to be as dead as Carter’s career.

Bill Clinton Denies Allegations: A Vanity Fair article claims that recent high-end Hollywood dinner-party gossip has Bill Clinton being seen visiting with actress Gina Gershon in California. The former President vigorously denied the allegations by pointing out that “its simply ridiculous to think I am seeing someone like Gina Gershon. Everyone knows that whenever I’ve had affairs, its always been with ugly scanks like Monica Lewinsky or Paula Jones.”

Pop Group Relocates: The group Kansas has moved their offices to California. Band members were overheard saying “guess we’re not in Kansas anymore.”

Importance of Pets: A recent Redbook study says that 40% of women would choose their pet over their men. And Republicans think same sex marriages are controversial!

Valium Inventor: The man who invented Valium has died. Most Valium users responded the news saying “whatever.”

Women’s Sexual Habits: A recent study indicated that 11% of women ages 18 to 44 reported having

Helmet Laws: An analysis of federal accident reports says that death rates from motorcycle crashes have risen steadily since states began weakening helmet laws about a decade ago. Oddly enough, the report also concluded that anyone who doesn’t think they need a helmet while riding a motorcycle probably doesn’t have much up there to protect anyway.

Shedding Skin: Scientists say they have recently determined that the average person sheds about 1.5 million flakes of skin per hour, much of which becomes embedded in our carpets. In response, many dermatologists say they will soon be adding carpet care to their list of services offered.

Underwater MP3 Player:  A surfer friend of mine was really excited because he found an MP3 player that plays underwater, so now he can listen to music while surfing.  I wonder if it works in hot water, because that’s where I usually seem to find myself?

NBA Concerned About Increase in Personal Fouls:  The NBA has issued a statement expressing concern at the increased amount of personal fouls committed this season. A spokesman for Player’s Union countered that the concern is completely unwarranted and believes that a personal foul is much better than the impersonal fouls committed in other sports, adding that a personal foul can in fact make the recipient (of the foul) feel rather “special.” The Player’s Union spokesman pointed out that “personal fouls in the NBA are often accompanied by flowers and invitations to dinner and dancing after the game at very upscale establishments. Overall, these fouls can have a positive effect on player moral and self-esteem.”

Older Women, Younger Guys:  Close to a third of unmarried American women who date are going out with younger men, according to one of the most sweeping surveys ever conducted on the dating habits and sex lives of mid-life singles. Unfortunately, many of them seem to be school teachers.

Suicide Bomber: An Iraqi woman was seen on Jordanian television wearing the suicide belt which was full of explosives that she attempted to set off at a wedding party but could not get to detonate. Now that’s what I call a real “wardrobe malfunction!”

Buying Politicians: In a recent interview, Vice President Dick Cheney admitted that it is way too easy to buy politicians these days, adding that “what we really need is a decent lease program.”

Two-State Solution:  Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is urging a “two-state solution” as a means to settle the Palestinian question.  Clinton added that “if the two-state works in the Middle East, we may wanna try it here, since everyone knows the only two states that really matter are New York and California anyway.”

Bacteria Programed:  In what could completely change the nature of computing, scientists at UC San Francisco have programed bacteria to act and perform like computers.  Of course the downside is that you can’t use your computer if you’re on antibiotics.

 

Not a Lesbian:  In a recent interview with ABC’s Barbara Walters, Oprah Winfrey says that she’s “not a lesbian, not even a little bit.”  Her credibility came into question, however, when Walters asked Oprah what was her favorite song and she immediately broke into several choruses of Katy Perry’s “I Kissed a Girl.”

 

Printing Errors:  The US Treasury reports that more than 1 billion new, high-tech $100 bills are in storage and won’t be circulated until it’s figured out how many must be destroyed because of flaws that occurred during their printing.  Seems a shame to destroy them over some slight imperfection.  Hell, I’d be glad to take them off their hands.  I not really all that fussy about my $100 bills being perfect

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