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Saturday May 25 2013

In the News Archives Page 2

by Johnny Robish

© Copyright 2012

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Vogue to Ban Skinny Models:  Vogue magazine, perhaps the world’s top arbiter of style, has vowed to no longer use models who are too young or too thin.  Because nothing sells clothes quite like fat, old people.  

Google Pushes Driverless-Car Technology:  Google is talking to major auto-insurance firms about possibly putting its driverless-car technology into upcoming vehicles, while announcing that they had successfully completed more than 200,000 miles of “computer-led driving.”  Yea, and when that hard drive crashes, it really crashes.

Norway Killer Complains of Losing Friends and Family:  Right-wing Christian fanatic Anders Behring Breivik, the Norwegian man who confessed to killing 77 people last July, said he understood the pain he caused the families of those he killed and compared their loss to how he lost contact with his own family and friends following the attacks.  The thing that scares me is the fact that he even had friends to lose.

Cheetahs Maul Scottish Woman:  The trip of a lifetime to celebrate a Scottish woman’s 60th birthday turned brutal when two supposedly tame cheetahs attacked the woman at a game reserve in South Africa.  I’m not at all surprised.  Years ago, I went out with a Scottish girl three times and frankly, never understood a single word she said, so I kind of understand the cheetahs’ frustration. 

Auction Sells Penny for $1 Million:  One of the first pennies ever produced by the U.S. Mint was put up for auction and reportedly sold for more than $1 million.  Wow, a penny selling for a million bucks?  Not even Starbucks has a markup like that. 

Clark Gable’s Grandson Pleads Guilty:  Clark Gable’s 23-year-old grandson has pleaded guilty to a felony charge for pointing a laser at a Los Angeles Police Department helicopter flying over Hollywood Boulevard last summer.  When asked if he felt any remorse, Gable said “frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn.”

NASA Finds Convincing Evidence of Water on Mars:  NASA’s Mars Rover “Opportunity” has found what scientists believe is the most convincing evidence to date that water may have flowed on the red planet with the discovery of what appears to be veins of the mineral gypsum, a hydrated calcium sulfate that on Earth is used to make drywall.  NASA is cautioning anyone considering exploiting the gypsum find to remember that its next to impossible to find anyone willing to do drywall on Mars.

NASA Loses Moon Rocks:  NASA concedes that more than 500 pieces of moon rocks, meteorites, comet chunks and other space material were stolen or have been missing since 1970.  While their disappearance is still a mystery, NASA officials say they’re fairly certain that no one may have mistakenly shipped them back to the moon.

Dance Helps Parkinson’s Patients:  New research shows that dance not only lifts the spirits for people with Parkinson’s, but also helps relieve symptoms.  I once walked into a Parkinson’s dance class – everyone seemed to be doing “the jerk.”

New Orleans Struggles to Stem Homicides:  New Orleans Mayor Mitch Landrieu claims the city’s homicide problem is so bad that a student at a one city high school was more likely to be killed than a soldier in Afghanistan.  And in a dramatic effort to insure those student’s safety, Mayor Landrieu announced plans to deploy all students at that high school to Afghanistan shortly after the first of the year. 

Death Penalty Goes Mobile in China:  China is somewhat unique as it metes out capital punishment from specially equipped “death vans” that shuttle from town to town to implement death sentences.  We have those here in America also, only here we call them “lunch wagons.”

New Sandusky Accusers:  Former assistant Penn State football coach Jerry Sandusky is still claiming his innocence, even after being arrested again on new charges of child abuse, raising the number of victims from eight to 10.  Now I realize that everyone is innocent until proven guilty, but when they have to start assigning numbers to all the people claiming to be your victims in the double digits, it just might be time to reassess that not-guilty plea.

FAA Chief Busted for DUI:  Randy Babbitt, the head of the Federal Aviation Administration, has resigned after being charged with driving while intoxicated (DUI) when a police officer stopped his car for traveling on the wrong side of the road in a Washington, D.C., suburb.  Perhaps even more tragic, police report finding dozens of empty tiny, little liquor bottles all over the back seat of his car.

World’s Oldest Dog Dies:  The world’s oldest dog, a male cross-breed named Pause, has passed away at his home in Sakura, Japan at 26-years-of age, which is thought to be somewhere between 118 to 185 in human years.  In related news, Kim Kardashian recently turned 31, but I’m told that doesn’t really translate into human years all that well.

Worms Survive Months in Outer space:  British researchers say a colony of worms that survived a trip into space is providing insight into the biological effects of deep space missions.  Scientists defended money spent on the research pointing out that if we ever visit other planets, we might just want to go fishing and the worms could come in handy.

TSA Strip Search Woman 85:  An 85-year-old woman claims she was injured and humiliated when she was strip searched by an airport TSA.  So now we know where Herman Cain has been working since dropping his presidential campaign.

Horse Meat Likely to Be Available Again:  Horses may soon be butchered for human consumption in the U.S. after Congressional Republicans quietly lifted a 5-year-old ban on funding horse meat inspections, with animal rights activists claiming that slaughterhouses could be up and running in as little as a month.  A spokesperson for the Chinese embassy is calling the move barbaric.  

Oldest Yoga Teacher:  A 91-year-old resident of St. Petersburg, Fla., has just set a new Guinness World Record as the “World’s Oldest Yoga Teacher,” but she says she wouldn’t mind a bit losing her title to someone older than she.  While that’s a nice thing to say, finding an older yoga teacher would be a bit of a stretch.    

Stevie Wonder to Compete on DWTS:  On the Ellen DeGeneres show, blind soul legend Stevie Wonder disclosed that he plans to compete on ‘Dancing With the Stars’ and is losing weight to look good on the dance floor.  Critics are quick to point out that no matter how much weight he loses, he’ll never be “Little Stevie Wonder” again.

UCLA Fires Coach:  UCLA has announced the firing of football coach Rick Neuheisel, bringing to a close a four-year run of mediocrity – or worse – that befell the former Rose Bowl-winning Bruins quarterback.  You know we’re living in rather strange times when you feel relieved that a college coach is simply getting fired for poor performance and not because he’s a pedophile. 

New Coach at Ohio State Gets Base Pay Of $4 Million:  Ohio State University hired Urban Meyer as its football coach, giving him one of the richest contracts ever in college sports — the latest indication that the big business of college football is undeterred by the nation’s broader economic woes or by concern about the prominence of sports on campus.  Many of these college coaches work hard to earn their money by not only fielding winning teams, but at schools like Syracuse and Penn State, they’re also making a concentrated effort to reach out to our youth.

Another Cain Accuser:  In an explosive allegation, a Georgia woman said she and Republican presidential hopeful Herman Cain had a 13-year extramarital affair that lasted nearly until the former businessman announced his candidacy for the White House several months ago.  Is it just imagination or does it seem like this entire Republican primary was written by someone over at Comedy Central?

Pepper Spraying Shopper Surrenders:  The competitive female shopper who began pepper spraying people around her in order to get to the front of the line at a Los Angeles-area Walmart has turned herself in.  Its really sad to see folks resorting to pepper spray to force their way to the head of the line.  Come on people, what ever happened to just shoving everyone out of the way?

Black Friday Shoppers Walk Over Dying Man:  Black Friday shoppers at a West Virginia Target did not allow collapsed-and-dying man to disturb their holiday shopping experience, simply walking around or stepping over him, while sweeping up all those cheap towels and soap dishes.  I suppose if there is any positive news in any of this as far as humanity is concerned, its that at least no one tried to swipe his wallet while he was lying helpless on the ground.

Craigslist Murders:  The FBI is looking for anyone who may have answered an Ohio Craigslist classified for a farmhand after three people believed to have responded were found dead.  I could be wrong on this, but I would look for who placed the ad, not who answered it.

Pizza Now a Vegetable:  Republicans in congress have taken action and introduced a bill that would classify pizza as a vegetable in so far as school lunches are concerned.  In response, Democrats have introduced a bill which would classify Herman Cain as a nut.

Robin Gibb on the Road to Recovery:  There has been much speculation of late about the health of Bee Gees’ singer Robin Gibb after it was learned he was diagnosed with liver cancer, but he maintains that he is doing fine and on the road to recovery.  Gibb says he plans on writing and recording new music, but if I were him, I’d concentrate on “stay’n alive, stay’n alive.”

Mound of Tires in South Carolina Visible from Space:  A man has been charged in connection with a gigantic, sprawling pile of hundreds of thousands of tires sitting in a rural South Carolina canyon which is reportedly visible from space.  To make matters worse, South Carolina’s obesity rate is becoming so bad that many local resident’s spare tires can now be seen from space.

Fake Doctor Injects Cement into Butt:  Oneal Ron Morris is under arrest in Miami for practicing medicine without license after giving a woman who wanted to enlarge her buttocks injections of cement, mineral oil and flat-tire sealant.  Call me old fashioned, but if she really wanted to enlarge her butt, what ever happened to driving to McDonald’s and ordering a Big Mac, fries and a large, double-chocolate milkshake? 

Nazis Adopt a Highway:  A Neo-Nazi group who believe racial and ethnic minorities should be expelled from the country have received state approval to adopt a rural highway in Delaware under the name “Freedom Party.”  Yea, and they should make the road’s theme song AC/DC’s “Highway to Hell.”

Rise in Right-Wing Extremist Groups:  The FBI reports that since President Obama’s election, the number of right-wing extremist groups has ballooned from 140 to 824.  Which is probably some of the best news on job-creation that President Obama has heard in a long time. 

Europa May Have Large Surface Lake:  NASA scientists report that a lake the size of Lake Superior may linger within the icy crust covering Jupiter’s moon – Europa.  NASA is cautioning that it may very well be decades before swim and yacht club memberships become available to the general public, however.

Stroke Turns Man Gay:  A Welsh Rugby player who was trying to impress his teammates by doing back flips in the gym, ended up breaking his neck, having a stroke and woke up in the hospital and suddenly discovered that he was no longer attracted to women and proceeded to break up with his fiancee, quit his high-paying bank job and become a hairdresser.  Wow, it sounds like what this guy’s really become is a stereotype.

Faster Than the Speed of Light:  Many physicists reacted with skepticism after measurements by French and Italian researchers seemed to show subatomic neutrino particles breaking what Nobel Prize-winning physicist  Albert Einstein considered the ultimate speed barrier, but further research appears to validate their finding, indicating that Einstein may have been in error in this area of his research.  Guess that Einstein guy turned out to be nothing but a great-big-fat-stupid-idiot after all.

Kissinger Complains About Jews:  Newly released transcripts from the State Department show former Nixon Secretary of State Henry Kissinger (who is Jewish) complaining to a colleague that “Jews are self-serving bastards.”  Kissinger defended his remarks by pointing out that he’s seen a lot Jews at gas stations where there’s no attendant on duty and you have to pump the gas yourself.  

Starbucks to Close Public Restrooms:  The New York Post is reporting that Starbucks is planning on closing their restrooms to the public in its New York locations due to the fact that the wait is often so long, Starbucks employees have difficulty using the restrooms.  And just where are the homeless supposed to bath these days?  First Boarders closes and now this.

Children With High IQ’s More Likely to Use Drugs:  A new British study finds children who score high on IQ tests are more likely to use drugs as adults than people who score low.  Sounds like IQ tests aren’t the only place where these kids are scoring well. 

Canoga Park Man with Alzheimer’s Found in Long Beach:  Los Angeles police say a missing 84-year-old Canoga Park, California man with Alzheimer’s has been found in the community of Long Beach.  Doctors say that while its always dangerous for an Alzheimer’s patient to wonder off, they’re somewhat encouraged that the man still has enough wherewithall to try and get the hell out of Canoga Park. 

Jessie James Cheated With 19 Women:  According to ex-fiancée Kat Von D, Jessie James cheated on her with 19 women during the past year.  That’s almost enough to make Herman Cain envious.  Almost makes you wonder just who does this Jesse James think he is anyway, some kind of politician or something?

Iowa Teen Wins Mayoral Race:  An 18-year-old high school senior named Jeremy Minnier has won the mayor’s race in the northern Iowa town of Aredale, a small town with just 73 residents.  Minnier said it wasn’t his intention to become a politician, but it was basically the only job vacancy in the entire county.  He said he should have no problem attending city council meetings just as long as they don’t run past dark and if he doesn’t have detention.

Arrested for Buying Heroin:  A Los Angeles city fire captain was facing a possible drug charge following his arrest for allegedly trying to purchase heroin from undercover police officers.  Perhaps even more damning, investigators want to know why was he under the covers with police officers. 

Washington Nationals Catcher Kidnapped:  Washington Nationals catcher Wilson Ramos has reportedly been kidnapped at gunpoint from his family’s home in Venezuela.  Rumor has it that Venezuelan police are negotiating trading Ramos for two undisclosed drug dealers and a first round draft choice to be named at a later date.  

Birds Getting Bigger:  Researchers in California are now hypothesizing that global warming could be causing the state’s birds to grow significantly larger than they were even 25 years ago.  On the other hand, global warming skeptics are chalking it all up to performance-enhancing bird seed.

Asteroid Close Call:  In what is being called the closest known encounter with a massive space rock in more than three decades, an asteroid as big as an aircraft carrier has passed by Earth.  In related news, the Ohio Highway Patrol is reporting that a guy with a huge ass in a red pickup truck has just passed by Cleveland.

New Reality Show About Anorexia: Lifetime will soon air a new reality show called “Starving Secrets,” which will be about eating disorders and anorexia. Besides dealing with a very serious social issue, Lifetime executives are said to be thrilled to death that their catering costs should be next to nothing for a show with a cast like this.

Age Wealth Gap Grows:  A Pew Research study recently released shows a shocking spike in the wealth gap between old and young in the U.S., with households headed by people over the age of 65 being 47 times wealthier than those led by people under the age of 35.  Guess that must be what people mean when they talk about “old money.”

Belafonte Sleeps During Interview:  Eighty-four-year-old singer/actor Harry Belafonte appears to have fallen asleep during what was supposed to be a live interview with a Bakersfield, CA television station.  Gee, who could imagine anyone becoming sleepy while conversing with someone from Bakersfield?

Charities Feeling Pinch:  Charities report seeing significantly more demand for their services this holiday season at a time when donations are down due to the economy doing so poorly.  The Salvation Army claims its gotten so bad, they can no longer afford to offer salvation with their Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners for the needy anymore.

Older Workers Unemployed Longer:  According to recently released research, people age 55 and older who are unemployed are most likely to be so long-term.  Unfortunately, the data seems to indicate that even if older workers do eventually find suitable employment, they’ll still gonna be old. 

Painkiller Deaths Growing:  In a trend that U.S. health officials are labeling an epidemic, the number of overdose deaths from powerful painkillers has more than tripled over the past decade.  Guess that’s why they call them pain-killers.

Be Happy, Live Longer:  A new study published in the National Academy of Sciences suggests that older people who are happy have a 35 percent lower risk of dying over a five-year period than unhappy people.  Not to mention that even if they do die, they die happy. 

Camping Apologizes for Failed Predictions:  Controversial Christian broadcaster Harold Camping has acknowledged his faulty projections, issued an apology to his followers and says he will now retire.  Perhaps forcing him to retire is a bit harsh.  OK, he made a few bad predictions, but it isn’t as if its the end of the world. 

No More Fake Maple Syrup:  Senators Bernie Sanders (D-Vt.) and Susan Collins (R-Maine) put aside their partisan differences to find something they agree on, the Maple Agriculture Protection and Law Enforcement Act, which would make it a felony to label a product “maple syrup” if its not actually the real thing.  Now if they ever made a law like that about marriage, Michelle Backmann might need a good lawyer.  

Big Cats Face Global Extinction:  Conservation experts worldwide warn that lions, tigers and other big cats, icons of the wild, may face extinction in as little as 20 years as they fade from their usual habitats.  Good point!  Hell, you don’t even hear any songs from the group “Stray Cats” played on the radio anymore.

Dungeon Keeper:  A Philadelphia woman who is accused of chaining four mentally disabled people to the boiler in her basement while she collected their Social Security checks may have preyed on dozens of others as police have discovered paperwork for as many as fifty other people in her possession.  Now to be fair, she may have simply been acting as an investment councilor who chained her clients to the boilers to shield them from the harsh Philadelphia winters. 

Biker Gangs Fight at Starbucks:  A turf war between the Hells Angels and rival Vagos motorcycle gang that erupted outside a California Starbucks shop has subsequently left several men dead, wounded or missing in three states, stirring fears of more bloodshed.  I just hope that these biker gangs realize that when they start tearing up a Starbucks, they’re not only disrupting a busy coffee house, they’re also bringing unnecessary chaos to homeless people’s living rooms and bathrooms.  

Woman Uses Power Saw on Husband:  Police say an Everett, Wash. woman stands accused of cutting her sleeping husband’s neck and shoulder with a power saw.  The wife claimed that when she discovered her husband sawing logs, she thought she’d be a dutiful wife and help out a bit.

High Heel Dangers:  A recent survey of 1,000 women done by the shoe company MBT found that more than 40% of the high-heel wearers have suffered an accident in them — most often from falling over.  Especially vulnerable are those who are “high” in high heels. 

Sex Can Cause Temporary Amnesia:  According to new research, strenuous activity such as hot sex can trigger temporary amnesia.  Too bad, its the bad sex that you really wanna forget.

Tourist Feared Eaten By Cannibals:   A German tourist has disappeared under mysterious circumstances on the South Pacific island of Nuku Hiva when shortly thereafter, human bones were found in a remote fire pit, triggering media speculation that he was eaten by cannibals.  Now part of the joy of traveling is sampling local cuisine, but I guess it would take a lot of the fun out of it all when you discover the local cuisine is actually you. 

California Hiker Killed by Oregon Hunter:  Neanderthals Had Short Legs:  Neanderthals had shorter lower legs than we do, leading scientists to theorize that this was an adaptation to the sloped, mountainous environment where they lived, even if it slowed them down.  Many scientists are convinced that this is why you almost never find evidence of Neanderthal women wearing short skirts or high heeled pumps.  They just wouldn’t look good in them.

Gap Closings:  The clothing retail chain Gap Inc. announced that they would be closing 189 of their North American locations by 2013.  Leasing agents are expressing hope that another retail chain will step in to fill in the Gap.

Mexico May Soon Sell US Water:  Mexico ships televisions, cars, sugar and medical equipment to the United States, but it may be soon be sending water north as western states are starting to look south of the border for water to fill drinking glasses, sprinkle lawns and flush toilets.  And I suspect that once we start importing our drinking water from Mexico, we’ll most likely be flushing those toilets quite often.  

Gaddafi’s Body in Meat Locker:  Even though they were supposed to bury him the next day, as per Islamic tradition, Libyan rebels are storing Muammar Gaddafi’s body on a mattress in a walk-in refrigerator at a shopping mall in Misrata.  Besides violating religious tradition, I would assume that the majority Libyan’s would prefer to have their dictators fresh rather than frozen.

DeLorean to Make Electric Car:  The makers of the famous DeLorean “Back to the Future” time-traveling car announced that they plan to produce a completely electric motor for the model used in the 1985 film which they hope to start selling in 2013 for $90,000, well over three times the price of the original.  Wow, $90,000?  If they ever make a movie about this car, it’ll have to be called “Back to the Bank.”

Yoga Not Christian:  Southern Baptist Seminary President Albert Mohler is calling on all Christians to avoid practices such as yoga and meditation, proclaiming that they are not compatible with Christianity.  I think he may have a point.  I’ve taken lots of yoga classes and can’t recall them ever mentioning the importance of conquering other countries, persecuting intellectuals or intimidating homosexuals.  

Access to Alcohol:  Many airlines and airports are making it significantly easier for travelers to grab a drink at the airport as well as in the air.  It doesn’t take a genius to figure that one out.  First they get you good and drunk, and then they grope you.  

Attacks in Amish Community:  Authorities in Ohio say that a renegade Amish sect is believed to be behind bizarre attacks on the mainstream Amish community which involve cutting off the beards of men – - which is considered to be an almost unthinkable personal violation among the Amish.  Perhaps, but I can’t help thinking that there are worse things they could be cutting off.

iPhone Sales:  Apple Inc announced that it has sold 4 million iPhone 4S smartphone’s in the first three days on the market, setting up a strong December quarter for the world’s largest technology company.  You can expect to pay anywhere from $200 to nearly $700 if you don’t want a contract.  Its almost enough to make you yearn for the days when phones weren’t quite so smart.

Woman Ages 50 Years in a Few Days:  A 23 year-old Vietnamese woman switched medications to treat an itchy allergic reaction to seafood when the mixture of drugs left her skin sagging and wrinkled and  in a matter of days, made her look 50 years older.  I guess about the only positive thing you can say about that situation is that its probably better that she looks 50 years older than 50 years younger.

Wielding Power Without Status:  New research found that people who wield a lot of power and authority, yet lack any perceived status, are the people most likely to abuse that power.  No kidding?  Did they think we didn’t already know that places like insurance companies, the Department of Motor Vehicles and airports are frequently staffed by people who are complete assholes.  

Lindsay Lohan’s Teeth:  Lindsay Lohan’s probation is at risk again as she has been blowing-off her court-ordered community service, but people are mostly talking about her teeth after a picture showed her teeth looking rotted and stained.  One possible explanation is that she has a role coming up where she will be playing someone from the UK and simply stopped all dental hygiene to appear more English.

Female Firefighter Defends Fire Truck Use on Porn Shoot:  A female firefighter who said she was in charge of an engine company when a firetruck was used in a 2008 porn shoot defended the Los Angeles Fire Department, saying firefighters did nothing wrong and she was tired of hearing the agency’s reputation attacked.  I see her point.  Let’s face it, many of those porn stars are smoke’n hot and firefighters probably felt it would be prudent to have a firetruck there, just for safety sake. 

Teens Using Condoms:  A surprising 80% of teenage boys say they are using condoms the first time they have sex, a government survey found in a powerful sign that decades of efforts to change young people’s sexual behavior are taking hold.  Really?  It might come as a bit of a surprise to some of the government statisticians who conducted this survey, but I’m willing to bet that when 95% of teenage boys have sex for the first time, no one else is present. 

Wireless Devices Outnumber People in US:  New study data show that wireless devices now outnumber people in the United States by 327.6 million to 315 million.  On the flip side, this also means there’s an awful lot of good wire out there that is now out of a job.

Herbal Doctor Convicted:  A doctor who said she could cure late-stage cancer, multiple sclerosis, Alzheimer’s Disease and diabetes through an herbal supplement has been convicted of defrauding more than 50 patients across the nation out of $1 million.  I don’t know about cancer, multiple sclerosis and Alzheimer’s, but one thing’s for certain, this supplement definitely doesn’t cure stupidity.

Dr Pepper Unveils Manly Soda:  Dr Pepper has begun aggressively marketing a new soda called “Dr Pepper 10,” which comes in a gunmetal can decorated with bullets and advertisements that include snake wrestlers and laser guns as well as a slogan “not for women.”  Ad agencies say this may be the boldest attempt yet to capture the coveted “meathead market.”

Bacteria Programed:  In what could completely change the nature of computing, scientists at UC San Francisco have programed bacteria to act and perform like computers.  On the downside, you’ll need to go on antibiotics every time you finish using your computer.     

Utah Gets Tough About Serving Alcohol:  Beginning in 2012, a new state law will require restaurants in Utah to keep all beer taps and bartenders out of sight of customers.  Wow!  They must have some really ugly bartenders in Utah if they need to pass a law to prevent customers from seeing them.

Death Threats Over Armrest Elbow Quarrel:  The Associated Press is reporting that a 60-year-old Salt Lake City man is under felony arrest after threatening a seatmate on a Las Vegas-bound flight over who gets to use the armrest.  Witnesses report that the Salt Lake City man appeared to be extremely “well armed.” 

Tanning Addiction:  A new study determined that tanning may be just as addictive as booze and drugs for some people.  Fittingly, the research was carried out by Brown University.

Gene Regulates Chronic Pain:  Scientists have found a gene that regulates chronic pain, a discovery that could potentially boost the effectiveness of painkilling drugs, according to a new study in the journal Science.  Republican presidential candidate Michelle Bachmann points out that this is yet another example of how over-regulated we are when even chronic pain is being regulated. 

Drug Deaths Outnumber Traffic Deaths:  An analysis of government data has found that drug deaths now outnumber traffic fatalities in the United States.  In response to the crises, the Texas legislature announced they will be raising their speed limit on state highways to 85 MPH. 

America’s Slowest Internet:  New data show that Idaho’s average internet speed is by far the slowest in the country.  They have the internet in Idaho?

Takes a Second Job:  Alisha Smith, a 36 year-old well-respected securities fraud lawyer in the New York Attorney General’s Office, has been suspended from her job after it was discovered she has been moonlighting as professional dominatrix “Alisha Spark” who performs at S&M events where she “dominates, restrains and whips people.”  State officials say that they had no other choice but to suspend her after receiving thousands of inquiries asking exactly what they need to do to get investigated for securities fraud.

Friends Who Look Like Us:  A new study out of France claims that most mammals, including human beings, are hard-wired to gravitate toward individuals who have similar physical characteristics.  Guess that pretty much explains why my neighbor’s bulldog seems to have taken such a liking to me. 

Origin of the Salute:  Historians say that In days of yore, armored knights raised their visors to identify themselves when they rode past their king, a custom that later became the modern day military salute.  Centuries later, reckless drivers try to force their way in ahead of unsuspecting motorists, a custom that led to the modern day one finger salute. 

SAT Reading Scores Drop: The average SAT reading score dipped to 497 this year, according to the College Board—down three points from last year and 33 points since 1972.  Educators admit that the trend is disappointing, but urge everyone not to read too much into this.

Scarlett Johansson Phone Hacked:  According to a number of reports, Scarlett Johansson allegedly had nude pictures of herself hacked off her cellphone and has asked the FBI to check into the matter.  In related news, the FBI announced that recruitment inquires have jumped 500% in the past two weeks.

Eel Swims Up Man’s Penis:  A Chinese man who was bathing with live eels to cleanse his skin got a horrible surprise when one of the eels managed to swim up his penis, making it all the way to his bladder before having to be surgically removed.  OMG!  Just about the only thing I can think of that could be worse than that would be that it ended up being an electric eel.

White Castle Sued:  A 300-pound stockbroker and White Castle hamburger fanatic is suing the restaurant chain because he can’t fit into the restaurant’s booths.  My guess is that if you’re that size, you probably should feel grateful that you can still get through the doors, let alone fit into one of the booths.

Counterfeit Exercise Equipment from China:  Los Angeles prosecutors report that a man has been sentenced for bringing more than 2,000 bogus, Chinese-made Ab Circle Pro machines and related items into the United States to sell.  City officials are cautioning those who may have purchased the equipment that any pounds or inches they may have lost through using the counterfeit equipment will not count.

Testosterone Drop:  A new study reports that testosterone takes a dive after a man becomes a parent and that the more he gets involved with caring for his children, the lower his testosterone levels become.  Doctors report that sadly, some men’s testosterone have fallen so low that couples begin fighting over who gets to wear the wife’s prettiest outfits.

Susquehanna  Flooding:  As the massive flooding on Susquehanna River begins to subside, many in the affected areas will now attempt to put their lives back together.  Local officials say that perhaps the biggest lesson we’ve learned from this event is just how difficult it is for most people to spell “Susquehanna.”

Drunken Elk Discovered: A Swedish homeowner got a big shock after discovering that there was a drunken elk in his neighbor’s apple tree that had apparently been munching on fermenting apples when she lost her balance and became trapped. The elk was rescued and immediately sent to Elk-oholics Anonymous to sober up.

US Drug Use:  A new government survey says more Americans are smoking marijuana, but use of other, more notorious illegal drugs has fallen off.  Guess more and more Americans are beginning to realize that drugs like cocaine just aren’t all they’re cracked up to be.

Reese Witherspoon Hit by Car:  Actress Reese Witherspoon was taken to a hospital and then released after having been hit by a car driven by an 84-year-old woman while jogging in Santa Monica.  A friend of mine from back east asked me where Santa Monica is.  I told her that you just head west on Wilshire Blvd and keep driving until you hit Reese Witherspoon.  

McDonald’s Death:  An 80-year-old woman has died, with two others left unconscious and a total of ten people hospitalized after being sickened by fumes in a restroom at a McDonald’s restaurant in south Georgia.  You always hear how unhealthy it is to eat at McDonald’s, but this kind of puts everything in a whole new perspective.

Hot Tub Death:  Arkansas police are investigating the death of a man found nude with a dog collar around his neck in an empty hot tub next to a sleeping local TV weatherman Brett Cummins.  Police say that had the hot tub not been empty, Cummins could have been in some real hot water.

Against Youth Boxing:  In a new policy statement published in the journal Pediatrics, the American Academy of Pediatrics is recommending that doctors “vigorously oppose boxing for any child or adolescent” under the age of 19 because of the risk of concussions and other injuries, and instead steer kids toward non-collision sports.  Guess that pretty much rules out bumper cars.  Sounds like the only sports that are safe for kids to play are video games.

Laptop Heat Dangers:  Doctors are warning not to leave a warm laptop on your lap too long as it can lead to a condition called “toasted skin syndrome,” which is an unusual looking mottled skin condition caused by long-term heat exposure.  No kidding.  I became concerned when I noticed a dial on my laptop with settings for warm, simmer and defrost.

Meaning of Crack in Washington Monument:  Televangelist Pat Robertson is suggesting that cracks found in the Washington Monument caused by the August 23 earthquake could be a sign from God that we’re closer to the coming of the Lord.  Or, it could simply mean that Pat Robertson’s completely insane.

American Obesity Projections:  According to four new reports published in the medical journal Lancet, half of all Americans will be obese by 2030 if trends continue the way they are now.  Or as some social critics like to put it, 180 is becoming the new 110.

Danica Patrick Announcement:  Danica Patrick made a surprise announcement at a press conference Thursday that she will be moving full time to the NASCAR circuit next year.  Patrick claims she was forced to make the announcement at this time in order to end all the speculation that she would be replacing Steve Jobs.

Civil War Food:  Historians say that while in the field, Union soldiers during the Civil War dined on Van Camp’s Pork and Beans and Borden’s condensed milk.  Pork, beans and condensed milk?  Guess we don’t need to ask why the North had such superior fire power.

Bisexual Men:  A new Northwestern University study has found evidence to support the existence of bisexual men, a sharp contrast to a 2005 study from the same university that reported opposite results.  I had a friend who was “buy-sexual,” meaning the only way he could get laid was to pay for it. 

Diarrhea Delays Mets Game:  A Mets-Phillies game had to be delayed when Mets centerfielder Angel Pagan failed to show up for an at-bat in the 5th inning because he was in the bathroom with diarrhea.  Mets skipper Terry Collins claims they informed all the umpires before the game that Pagan would be their designated shitter. 

Clash Over Cattle:  A UN spokesperson in Juba says that at least 58 peopled were killed in clashes over cattle in South Sudan.  In he first major foreign policy statement, Texas Governor Rick Perry said we who live out west know all too well that once the outlaws start this gull-dern cattle rustling, it won’t be long before they’re holding up the stagecoaches too.

Anchors Away:  A California man faces 20 years in prison after he entered a restricted area on a Holland America cruise ship and dropped the 18-ton stern anchor in a drunken escapade.  The man claimed that he mistakenly thought they were coming into port after drinking two bottles of port. 

Wheat Code Cracked:  British scientists have announced that they have finally cracked the genetic code of wheat.  So that’s what they mean by “cracked wheat?” 

Rick Perry on Evolution:  When asked by a young boy in New Hampshire about evolution, GOP presidential hopeful Rick Perry responded that evolution is “a theory” with “some gaps in it.”  Yea, and its starting to look like Texas may be one of the primary areas where many of those evolutionary “gaps” may have occurred.

Bats Aren’t Really Blind:  New research indicated that bats aren’t really as blind as we think, pointing out that there is no such thing as a blind bat species.  Scientists say the misconception comes from the fact that many bats just fake blindness so people will sympathize and buy the pencils and other trinkets they sell on local street corners.   

AARP Driver Training:  AARP in Florida announced that they will be sponsoring driver’s training classes for drivers 60 or older.  Luckily, they are also simultaneously holding classes for those under 60 on how to avoid being hit by the cars that are being driven by drivers 60 and over. 

Restaurant Uses iPads as Menus:  We’ve seen iPads being used by teachers, pilots and doctors, but an Atlanta eatery is replacing its menus with the iPad at their high-tech restaurant.  And if they thought customers stealing silverware was a problem?  You can bet there’s gonna be a lot of customers asking if its OK to take the menus home with them. 

Pretty People More Selfish:  A new study determined that people born with symmetrical facial features — often considered a major component of physical attractiveness– were more likely than people with less symmetrical features to focus on their own interests instead of co-operating with others.  So next time someone describes you as a “team player,” they’re pretty much saying “you’re ugly.”

Debt Collectors Demand Respect:  A trade association representing debt collectors is engaged in a PR offensive, attempting to change what they consider to be an unfair tarnished image.  Guess they think we should all feel indebted to them.  

Hospital Hooks Patients to WiFi:  A U.S. hospital is testing a clinical warning system that uses wireless (WiFi) sensors to track the vital signs of at-risk patients which can then inform nurses of a problem.  The hospital adds that unlike WiFi at Starbucks, the patient will not be expected to purchase a latte every hour to stay connected. 

Recycled Prosthetics:  According to the Wall Street Journal, a thriving new business opportunity is developing in the reclamation of metal implants and other prosthetics harvested from the deceased.  This really gives new meaning to the phrase “the walking dead.” 

Driverless Car Causes 5-Car Crash:  Its being reported that one of Google’s self-driving cars has caused a five-car crash in Northern California.  My question is, just where in the hell would a car with no one in it be driving to?.

KISS Singer Has Fourth Child:  KISS lead singer and guitarist Paul Stanley and his wife Erin have a new daughter, the 59-year-old’s 4th child.  This is leading some to speculate that perhaps there’s a bit more going on here that just a KISS.

Not a Bird Ancestor:  According to a study just released, the winged Archaeopteryx, long considered as the forebear of modern birds, is now thought to most likely be just another one of many dinosaurs that had feathers.  Paleontologists say that instead of being a ancestor to birds, its much more likely that the creature was simply a fashion inspiration for many of Elton John’s stage outfits of the 1970’s and 80’s. 

Atlanta School Testing Scandal: The Atlanta School Year is beginning amid a testing scandal where nearly 200 teachers and principals admitted to tampering with standardized tests to raise students’ scores. Let me get this right – teachers are now helping students cheat on their tests? And some people have the nerve to claim that America isn’t making significant advances in the field of education anymore?

LAPD Raids City’s Animal Shelters:  LAPD’s anti-gang unit raided the city’s six animal shelters and confiscated the service weapons of animal control officers as part of a gun audit of Los Angeles Animal Services.  Animal control officers defend the weapons stash, claiming that if you’ve ever had a Russian Blue or a Norwegian Forest cat pull a Smith & Wesson Model 500 .50-Cal. Magnum revolver on you, you’d be wanna be armed too.

Dehydration:  According to a new report from the CDC, nearly 6000 people will go to the emergency room this summer for heat illnesses related to sports and exercise, with dehydration being the major culprit.  And because almost no Americans exercise, I think we can safely assume that these people became dehydrated while watching other people play sports and exercising.

Congressional Disapproval Rating:  The debate over raising the debt ceiling, which brought the nation to the brink of default, has sent the Congress to an 82% disapproval rating, its highest level on record, according to the latest New York Times/CBS News poll.  The figures are so low, that even Casey Anthony was heard saying “wow, I’d hate to be that disliked.”

Vitamin Users:  A new government study shows that about half of U.S. adults age 20 and older take vitamins or other dietary supplements.  Further studies seem to indicate that the remaining 50% do not take them.  

No More Drinking on the Job:  Riot police in France are up in arms over an order banning them from drinking while on the job, claiming that having a beer or glass of wine with a meal is not just tradition, but a legal right.  And you don’t want to piss-off the riot police, especially when they’re drunk.

Spreading the Flu:  Doctors caution that one of the ways in which people can catch the flu is by handling equipment at the gym shortly after someone who is sick has touched it.  Wow, that’s almost enough to get me to break the habit of licking my fingers every time I finish lifting a weight.

Importance of Predators:  A paper in today’s edition of the journal Science suggests that the disappearance of some of the world’s top predators is causing ecological reverberations worldwide in ways not apparent even a decade ago.  Researchers did point out, however, that many of America’s most savage predators, including bankers, defense contractors, corporate lawyers, the insurance industry and televangelists seem to be doing quite well.

Killer’s Plastic Surgery:  Rumors are circulating that Anders Breivik, the right-wing extremist who has admitted to massacring 77 people in Norway, had plastic surgery to make himself appear more Aryan.  No doubt he was looking for those kind of looks that could kill.

Likes Big Noses:  The San Blas Indians of Panama value large noses and believe that an enormous nose is the mark of a great leader.  That’s fine until some those “great leaders” decide that they want to stick those enormous noses in the rest of our business.

Huge Pot Bust:  California police arrested 100 people after discovering an enormous 900,000-acre marijuana plantation in an area of California’s Mendocino National Forest called the Emerald Triangle.  Authorities estimate that the amount of marijuana seized in the raid would be enough to keep both Woody Harrelson and Willie Nelson high for nearly a year.   

Nurses Angry:  A group of angry nurses employed in the cancer center at the world-famous Sloan-Kettering Institute are suing after hospital budget cuts placed them in an “on-call” status.  The hospital claims the nurses were told right up-front that they would be working Oncology.   

Toddler Freed From Potty Seat:  Burbank firefighters had to use a hacksaw to separate a 3-year-old girl from a new potty seat that the toddler decided to put on her head.  Safety officials urge parents to inform their kids that they’ll have plenty of opportunities to stick their heads in toilets once they get to college and start attending all those insane fraternity and sorority keg parties.

Changes to Happy Meals:  The Los Angeles Times reports that McDonald’s will soon begin adding fruits and vegetables and reducing the amount of French Fries in their Happy Meals.  Enraged child abuse professionals are asking “what’s coming next, lima beans?”

Kangaroo Attacks Elderly Woman:  Police in Australia had to use pepper spray to ward off a rogue kangaroo who attacked a 94-year-old woman who was hanging laundry in her backyard.  Because there has been so much public outrage over the attack, legal experts say it will be difficult to prevent the marsupial’s trail from turning into a kangaroo court.  

Winehouse’s Parents Devastated by Loss:  Amy Winehouse’s parents told mourning fans at a makeshift memorial outside the singer’s home that they are completely devastated by her death.  I’ll bet!  I mean, who could have seen something like that coming?  

Tiger Woods Fires Caddie:  Caddie Steve Williams says he feels betrayed about being let go by golfer Tiger Woods after working for him for the past 13 years.  Perhaps more painful is the fact that, unlike Elin Nordegren, he’s not gonna get $100 million out of the betrayal. 

Amy Winehouse Dead:  Troubled diva Amy Winehouse has been found dead at her London home at age 27.  Looks like “they’re trying to make her go to mortuary and she can’t say no, no, no.”

Lohan Claims She Can’t Afford Counseling:  Troubled actress Lindsey Lohan told the judge that she cannot afford the court-ordered psychological counseling she is required to do as part of her probation.  And to make matters worse for someone like her, psychological counseling isn’t something you can just steal.

Don’t Mess With Bicyclists:  The Los Angeles City Council has just passed a pioneering new law intended to protect bicyclists from harassment from motorists.  Council members caution motorists that if you see a cyclist, don’t even think about telling them how silly they look in their creepy little cycling helmet and powder-blue spandex outfit. 

Bachmann Says Headaches Not A Problem:  Representative Michele Bachmann’s presidential campaign denied a report that migraines have at times left her “incapacitated,” claiming the headaches would not adversely affect her ability to serve.  On the other hand, the Democrats say that if Bachmann were to be elected, it would most likely be all the rest of us who would need to worry about headaches.

Nepal to Remeasure Mt Everest:  Nepal is planning to remeasure the world’s tallest mountain – Mount Everest, which hasn’t been measured since 1955.  Guess the mountain’s snow cap just doesn’t seem to fit like it did back in the old days.

Fast Food and Drinks:  In a bid to boost business in a tough economy, some fast-food chains such as Burger King soon plan to begin selling beer and wine.  Analysts say that while selling alcohol at establishments patronized by children may be considered somewhat controversial, its probably a better choice than their original idea – selling crack.

Water on Mars:  In what is considered a major find, scientists think that an area on the surface of Mars which has shifting dark streaks may likely be an indication that water is currently flowing on the planet.  Either that or they’ve discovered one of the Martian’s favorite spots to go when they have to take a pee. 

On-Site Clinics at Work:  In a somewhat controversial effort to contain medical costs and sick days, some employers are opening their own on-site health centers for employees.  Apparently some employees feel that a complete physical should entail a little more than some guy in a while smock saying “you look fine to me.” 

Dangers of Binge Drinking:  Binge drinking may not necessarily kill or even damage brain cells as commonly thought, but it can block key receptors in the brain and interfere with brain functions critical to learning and memory according to a new animal study.  The study pointed out that this is why it so important that we do everything possible to educate these animals about the dangers of binge drinking.

Why Dinosaurs Became Extinct:  A new archeological find appears to confirm the theory that the dinosaurs were killed off after an asteroid hit Mexico 65 million years ago.  Many in the scientific community point out that now that we’re reasonably certain of what lead to the demise of the dinosaur, its now time to extend our focus to what could have killed off 1950’s pop singer Dinah Shore.

Pets Improve Well-Being:  New research has found that, not only does pet ownership improve the lives of people overcoming illnesses, injuries, or other hardships, but it also gives the average healthy person higher self-esteem, better physical fitness, and fewer feelings of loneliness.  So true!  Just look what it did for Michael Vick.

Hefner Not Dead Yet:  Playboy mogul Hugh Hefner was stunned and immediately took to his Twitter page to clear up speculation that was circulating all over the web suggesting that he had passed away.  Sources say the rumors apparently began after one of the beautiful, 20-something girls at the Playboy Mansion slept with him and when she found no apparent signs of life, she just assumed. 

Folk Singer Slain:  Three carloads of gunmen have ambushed the vehicle in which Facundo Cabral was riding, killing one of Latin America’s most admired folk singers.  Apparently there were at least three carloads of people that didn’t admire him all that much.

Bikini Baristas Arrested:  The Edmonds, Washington Police Department carrried out a nine-month undercover investigation which ended with owner Carmela Panico and three bikini barista employees at the Java Juggs Espresso coffee stand being charged with prostitution and exposure.  Wow, it took a full nine months to investigate a small espresso stand with just three bikini-clad employees?  Sounds as if they had to peek into every nook and cranny.

The Gap Losses Founder:  Donald G. Fisher, who co-founded apparel giant “The Gap,” has died at age 81 after a long battle with cancer.  I’m assuming that those invited to attend the funeral were told to “dress causal.” 

Bear Kills Yellowstone Hiker:  Park officials are reporting that a grizzly bear killed a man hiking with his wife in the backcountry of Yellowstone National Park after the couple surprised the bear and her cubs.  TMZ reports that it has learned that the bear has retained Gloria Allred as counsel.

Gender Differences With Fat Deposits:  Scientists say hormones determine where we deposit fat, with women typically adding fat around the pelvis, buttocks and thighs and men in the belly which has been found to be much more dangerous.  Many women say they’re just relieved to know that all that food isn’t going to waist.   

Surgically Implanted Explosives:  The Transportation Security Administration (TSA) is urging foreign security agencies to ramp up security after receiving intelligence reports that terrorists might try to surgically implant explosives in the bodies of suicide bombers.  The plot was discovered after money-strapped terrorists complained about the surgery not being covered by their insurance.

Dodgers Bounce Checks:  The Los Angeles Dodgers says paychecks for some part-time game day staffers bounced, but not because the team didn’t have enough money to cover them.  The Dodgers claim that they’re still financially sound and that the checks just seemed to take a bad bounce.

Glen Campbell Has Alzheimer’s Disease:  Just before embarking on his farewell tour, Grammy Award winning singer Glen Campbell announced that he has Alzheimer’s disease.  Campbell says he hopes that by the time he gets to Phoenix, he’ll still remember some of the songs.  

Anti-Smoking Drugs:  A study has found that healthy, middle-aged smokers who take Pfizer’s Chantix or Champix, one of the most popular quit-smoking drugs, have a higher risk of suffering heart attacks or other serious heart problems.  So now I guess they’re saying that even quitting smoking can cause of heart disease. 

Rick Springfield Arraigned:  Singer-actor Rick Springfield is set to be arraigned next week on two misdemeanor DUI charges stemming from his May 1 arrest in Malibu.  You can bet that the poor guy probably wishes he had Jessie’s driving record.

Helmet Law Protester Killed:  Police say a motorcyclist participating in a protest ride against helmet laws in upstate New York died after he flipped over the bike’s handlebars and hit his head on the pavement.  I think at this point one can conclude that anyone who doesn’t understand the need to wear a helmet while riding a motorcycle probably doesn’t have all that much up there to protect anyway.

No Pets for sale in San Francisco:  San Francisco is considering a proposal that would effectively criminalize the commercial sale of pets in the City by the Bay.  Pet stores claim this law will mean that people who want animals such as mice, hamsters and gerbils as pets will have to go underground to find them.

Turtles Shut Down JFK Runway:  About 100 diamondback terrapin turtles crawled out of the marshes and started crossing Runway 4 Left at JFK Airport in New York, prompting a shutdown for more than an hour.  Airport officials say they would have liked to have opened the runway sooner, but the turtles insisted upon moving at a snail’s pace. 

Hefner Finds New Love:  Just a few weeks after his wedding was called off, 85-year-old Hugh Hefner has two new girlfriends, one of whom he describes as a “one in a million” girl.  And I’m sure she is one of about a million blonde gold-diggers he has running around his mansion, but who’s counting? 

Saving Tasmanian Devils:  Scientists say they’re making significant advances in their effort to ensure that the Tasmanian devils, who are dying of an extremely contagious cancer, do not vanish from the face of the earth.  Scientists report that sadly it would be just too costly and time consuming to actually physically save the devils, so they’re doing the next best thing, digitizing the entire Warner Brothers Looney Tunes “Tasmanian Devil” cartoon series, so at least we’ll have that.

German Researchers Believe Dinosaurs Were Warm-Blooded:  A new study by German researchers is suggesting that dinosaurs, long considered lethargic and cold-blooded giants, may have actually been warm-blooded creatures with high body temperatures.  Skeptics of the study say that almost anything would seem warm-blooded when compared to the Germans.

Effects of Global Warming:  The migration of species through the melting Northwest Passage is a worrying sign of how global warming is affecting animals and plants in the oceans say scientists after finding plankton in North Atlantic waters where it had not existed for some 800,000 years.  Researchers report that many of the local marine life are feeling like “there goes the neighborhood!  

Kim Kardashian Gets Her Butt X-Rayed:  Kim Kardashian has turned to science to prove that her famous  rear-end is real, posting an X-ray of her posterior on her sister’s website.  Kardashian says now there are no if’s, and’s or butts about it.

Americans Working Less:  A new survey, released by the Labor Department, found that the average American only spent 3 hours and 58 minutes working per day in 2010, down from previous years.  Guess the Labor Department is catching on to the fact that you apparently have to have a job in order to spend time working.

Whitey Bulger Captured in Santa Monica:  The FBI finally caught 81-year-old fugitive Boston Mob boss “Whitey” Bulger at his residence in the ultra-liberal city of Santa Monica just days after the government had launched a publicity campaign to locate him.  Neighbors say they became suspicious after noticing that instead of recycling old newspapers, bottles and cans, he was recycling body parts. 

Cancers On the Left Arm:  New research suggests that drivers in the United States are more likely to develop skin cancer, such as melanoma and merkel cell carcinoma, on the left side of their bodies.  To reduce risk, some doctors are recommending that drivers consider either occasionally hanging their right arm out the window or spending more time in countries where they drive on the other side of the road.

Worse Off:  According to a recent poll, forty-four percent of Americans say they’re worse off than they were when Obama first took office. Coincidentally, many of these same respondents also reported that they are a couple of years older than when Obama first took office.

Borders for Sale:  Bankrupt Borders booksellers is hoping to find a bidder by July 1st and avoid closing 40 stores.  Who would have guessed that they actually sell stuff there?  I just assumed it was a place that provided free public restrooms for the homeless.

Cigarettes to Carry Grisly Messages:  Rotting teeth and gums, diseased lungs, the sewn-up corpse of a smoker and cigarette smoke coming out of the tracheotomy hole in a man’s neck are some of the macabre images that cigarette packages will have to carry under a new FDA campaign against smoking.  My question is do they really think these images are actually gonna discourage teens from buying cigarettes or transform simple cigarette packs into a ghoulish, cult horror entertainment vehicle?      

Alpha Women Equally Adulterous:  Powerful men such as Dominique Strauss-Kahn, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Tiger Woods have become known for their sexual exploits, but a new study found that women who hold executive-level positions are no different.  The study went on to conclude that while money and power can certainly corrupt, it can also provide plenty of opportunity to get laid. 

Martha Stewart Living for Sale:  Its being reported that Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia is exploring the sale of the company whose worth has sagged greatly in the last five years.  In fact, many financial analysts are now concerned that the stock may actually be sagging faster Martha Stewart’s face.

Coffee Price Increases:  New data show that coffee price increases have even outpaced the hike in gasoline prices the past year.  Its getting so bad, bartenders report that customers ordering Sambuca can no longer afford the espresso beans that are usually served with it.

Camping Won’t Return Money:  Failed Doomsday prophet Harold Camping, president of Family Radio who raised over $80 million of donations over the past five years, said he has no intention of giving any money back to those who have donated to his Doomsday campaign.  Well, at least he was correct about his donors finances being doomed.

Newspaper Readers Retain More:  A recent French study took a look at reading patterns and concluded that newspaper readers were more likely to retain information than iPad readers.  That’s a shame, because I read this story on my iPad.   

Tornados Target Cities:  Meteorologists say that all the recent deadly tornados striking the south debunk the belief that big cities are relatively immune from a tornado’s terrors.  Even so, scientists say that the most important thing to know about tornados is that while they can and will strike anywhere, their first love will always be a trailer park.

Indian Call Centers Hire in U.S. Workers:  As wages in India continue to rise, outsourcing giants are finding that Indian Call Centers are now beginning to hire workers in the U.S. to staff their call centers.  Workers at Indian call centers claim they are becoming the victims of reverse outsourcing.  Manufacturers expressed concern that if tech support workers actually understand what people are calling about, there is a real danger that consumer problems may actually begin to get solved. 

Discussing Homosexuality Banned:  A bill passed by the Tennessee senate would forbid all teachers from kindergarten to eight grade from discussing homosexuality.  Critics of the bill are expressing concern that children attending school in Tennessee will likely grow up with no idea who is actually decorating the majority of those beautiful Beverly Hills mansions.

Hope for Spinal Cord Injuries:  A 25-year-old Los Angeles man, paralysed from the waist down for 5 years after a car accident, is now able to stand, take steps as well as regained some kidney and sexual function after an experimental and extensive rehab.  My question would be just what kind of “rehab” was it that he received for sexual function?  

Baltimore Most Dangerous for Drivers:  A new insurance industry survey lists Baltimore as the most dangerous city in the country for drivers.  In a related study, Los Angeles was named the most dangerous city for people who enjoy breathing. 

Starbucks Fires Dwarf:  The Equal Employment Opportunity Commission is suing Starbucks for firing a dwarf who asked for a stool to perform her job as a barista at an El Paso shop.  While not admitting guilt, Starbucks officials say it probably was a mistake to play Randy Newman’s song “Short People” over the sound system every time she began her shift.

Russian Cannibal Arrested:  A suspected cannibal, believed to be behind the appearance of dismembered body parts found throughout Moscow, was arrested in Moscow after authorities discovered half-eaten human body parts stored in his refrigerator.  Police say the half-eaten body parts indicate that the man was probably a better killer that he was a cook.

Whales Absorb Chemicals:  U.S. researchers studying dolphins and beluga whales say the animals accumulate more chemical pollutants when they live and feed in waters near urbanized areas.  Sadly, three of the beluga whales also tested positive for performance enhancing drugs and are now facing a $5000 fine and a three week suspension.

Universe’s First Stars:  A new study that sheds light on the nature of stellar evolution, claiming the the first stars that dotted the universe were not only immense, but probably also very fast-spinning.  I believe it.  We’ve seen a few of those immense, fast-spinning stars on “Dancing with the Stars.”

Vieira Leaving Today Show:  Meredith Vieira has announced that she will be leaving her job as co-host of NBC’s Today show to spend more time with her family.  Glenn Beck is characterizing her sudden departure from the show as extremely suspicious, pointing out that when Vieira claims she wants to spend more time with “family,” there’s no evidence that she’s not actually referring to the Gambino Crime Family.

Woman Beheaded in Supermarket:  Police say a homeless Bulgarian man who beheaded a British woman in a random attack in a supermarket in the Canary Islands was captured after he ran out of the supermarket holding the head.  When captured, the man claimed he was just headed up the street.

Ohio Boy Suspended for Farting:  An Ohio seventh-grade 13-year-old boy has been suspended for farting on a school bus.  Teachers say that if the teen were able to pass tests the way he passes gas, he’d be a model student with a bright future ahead of him.  As it stands now, he’s in danger of becoming an anti-social derelict or even worse, a comedian.

New Marsupial Theory:  Palaeontologists have long assumed marsupials have always been loners that they are now, but European researchers say ancient marsupials may have actually been very social animals.  Experts argue that there really is no need for marsupials to remain so socially isolated, adding that most everyone would like them if they’d only take the time to get to know one.  They recommend consider inviting a marsupial to your next party or perhaps introducing a marsupial to a close friend. 

Natural Viagra:  The discovery of a product used throughout the Middle East as an “Herbal Viagra” at Osama bin Laden’s Pakistan compound has raised questions about whether the Al Qaeda leader was trying to boost his love life.  Uh-oh, sounds like some of the 72 virgins may not be making it up to heaven as virgins after all.  

CEO Pay Rose 11% in 2010:  The median value of compensation for CEOs of 350 major companies rose 11 percent to $9.3 million, according to a study conducted for The Wall Street Journal.  Its very comforting to know that the money is once again flowing to those who really need it instead of paying middle class wages to greedy school teachers who contribute very little to society.

Hillary Removed from Photo:  A Brooklyn-based Hasidic newspaper removed Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and another woman from the now-iconic photo of the Obama national security team watching the raid that killed Osama bin Laden from the White House Situation Room because religious beliefs do not allow them to publish photos of women.  I think its pretty safe to assume that none of the Kardashian sisters will be joining that religious sect in the foreseeable future.

Planned Attack on Railroads:  A examination of the trove of materials from the compound in Pakistan prompted Obama administration officials to issue a warning that Al Qaeda may be considering attacks on American railroads.  When questioned as to what time-frame the attacks on the railroads are most likely to occur, officials responded “all the live-long day.”

Osama May Have Dyed Hair:  New home video found at Osama bin Laden’s compound indicated that he may have dyed his hair black for some of the video messages he was about to release.  Military analysts say they can’t be certain that his hair was dyed, pointing out that whole thing just falls into one of those gray areas. 

News of bin Laden’s Death:  While most Americans say they first heard the news of Osama bin Laden’s death from television, a substantial proportion of young people instead learned of the event by social networking.  I find that very encouraging in that its difficult to imagine anything that would be able to compete with the journalistic integrity and impartiality of Facebook posts.

Osama Hideout Raises Questions:  To many Americans, the fact that Osama bin Laden was able to live unnoticed in his “luxury hideout” is raising many questions.  Especially in the gay community, where many believe it was Osama’s interior decorator who really deserved to be shot.

Concern About bin Laden Death Celebrations:  The intelligence community is expressing concern about how all the celebrations, partying and jokes about Osama bin Laden’s death will be viewed in the Muslim world.  In an attempt to defuse any long-term impact, the White House is asking comedians to voluntarily release their entire stock Osama bin Laden jokes by May 15, 2011.

Bestiality in Phoenix:  Authorities say a middle-school music teacher was among two men arrested at a Phoenix motel, charged with using the internet to connect with dog owners who offered their canines for sex.  Police allege the men also humiliated the poor canines, putting collars around their necks and demanding that they bark like a dog.

Too Young for Solids:  According to a study published in Pediatrics, formula-fed babies who begin solid foods too early are six times as likely to become obese, compared with babies who start on solids later.  That’s why I waited until I was in my 40’s before I started on solid food.

Police Porn:  The Los Angeles Department of Transportation announced that it is investigating allegations that two of its traffic officers acted in a porn movie, now circulating online, while on duty.  The officers said that it really never was their intention to end up as an actor in a porn film, claiming that what they really wanted to do was direct.  The Department is looking into whether officers appearing in a porn film is in violation of any of the penal codes.

Mental Illness:  A recent government report found that 20% of Americans have some form of mental illness.  And from all indications, Donald Trump seems to be gearing his campaign directly toward this vocal voter demographic.

Teleprompter Inventor Dies:  Hurbert Scholarly, the inventor of the teleprompter, has died at age 91.  Friends and family say they are having difficulty finding words to express their grief.

More Men Getting Face-Lifts:  Face-lifts for men rose 14 percent in 2010 according to the latest figures from the American Society of Plastic Surgeons.  Not surprisingly, a disproportionate number of the procedures were preformed on members of the Screen Actors Guild.  Guess that makes sense.  After all, you’re talking about an organization who’s nickname is “SAG.”

E-Cigarettes to Be Regulated:  The Food and Drug Administration said it will soon implement plans to regulate smokeless electronic cigarettes the same as it does tobacco products.  Officials say the regulations are necessary in order to prevent an increase in e-cancers.

More Tornado Strikes Airport:  A tornado has torn through a section of St. Louis’ Lambert Field, lifting the roof off a concourse, injuring several people and forcing the airport’s closure.  Airport employees observed that while they typically see tons of planes taking off and landing every day, this is the first time they’ve actually seen an airport terminal taking off and then landing.  

Botox Dulls Emotions:  A new study suggests that while Botox may smooth your wrinkles, it can also dull your ability to understand the emotions of others.  Perhaps even more disturbing, Botox users scored only slightly better BP executives in their ability to empathize with others.

Swearing Can Help Soothe Pain:  A new study claims that swearing can actually be a potent force to help relieve pain.  Great news for those of us with an “expanded” vocabulary.  My question is how does the pain know for sure that what you are saying is considered swearing?

Stabbed by His Wife:  Miami Dolphins wide receiver Brandon Marshall is recovering after authorities say he was stabbed in the abdomen by his troubled wife.  Police investigators say that the only positive thing they can say about the suspect is that she doesn’t appear to be a backstabber. 

Pesticides and IQ: According to three independent studies released in Environmental Health Perspectives children exposed to high pesticide levels in the womb have lower average IQs than other kids.  Doctors were quick to point out that this is yet another reason that pregnant women should avoid having their wombs sprayed with pesticides, even if its done by a professional. 

New VW Beetle Design:  Volkswagen has redesigned the VW Beetle, giving it a bit more of an edgy design in order to make the car more appealing to guys while trying to ditch the its current “girl’s car” image.  A more controversial aspect of the new, more masculine design is the optional Browning .50 caliber Anti-Aircraft machine gun mounted on the hood.     

Ring Finger Size:  According to a recently released study, the longer a man’s fourth or ring finger is compared to his index finger, the more likely he is to be judged attractive by women.  In a related study, researchers found that when unattractive men approach beautiful women, they’re very likely to get the finger. 

British Tourists Shot In Florida:  Many in the UK are expressing concern after two British tourists were shot dead in a gang-infested area of Sarasota, Florida.  Since the incident, UK tourist agents report that many travelers are now requesting Disney, Sea World or Universal Studios packages as opposed to tours of the gang-infested neighborhoods.

Off the Endangered Species List:  Federal wildlife officials say they will take more than 1,300 gray wolves off the endangered species list within 60 days.  In a desperate attempt to avoid becoming targets of eager hunters, many of the wolves are said to be attempting to cover up the gray by shampooing with “Just for Wolves.”

Wrong Statue of Liberty:  The US Postal Service has issued a stamp honoring the Statue of Liberty, but mistakenly used a picture of Las Vegas’ New York-New York replica instead.  Stamp collectors say this could possibly be the Postal Service’s biggest faux pas since putting Paul Gaimatti‘s image on a John Adams stamp.

A Circus Act:  Comedian Jerry Seinfeld caused some controversy while in Britain promoting his June stand-up concert by labeling the Royal Wedding as “a circus act.”  Of course that isn’t really a serious comparison because everyone knows that circus animals usually have much better dental hygiene than the British do. 

LensCrafters of Big Abortion:  LensCrafters has criticized Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-Minn.) for calling Planned Parenthood “the LensCrafters of big abortion” during a stop in Iowa.  Guess they just don’t see eye-to-eye on this one. 

World’s Most Dangerous Job:  The online news source “Daily Beast” combed occupational statistics for more than 100 jobs and determined that fisherman appear have the world’s most dangerous job.  I’m guessing that being Kirstie Alley’s dancing partner can’t be very far behind.

Mouth to Mouth for Pets:  The Fire Chief of the Ashland, Oregon fire department is not simply training his firefighters in mouth to mouth techniques for the city’s citizens, but also for their pets.  A Fire Department spokesperson says the plan is working well so far, but cautioned that any firefighters caught lingering too long on the mouth to mouth could be subject to disciplinary action. 

US Technology Lags Behind:  According to an annual study issued by the World Economic Forum, the United States continues to lag behind other nations in its use of computing and communications technology.  One of the weakest links is considered to be the AT&T network, which users rate somewhere just slightly below smoke signal communications used by some 18th century native Americans. 

Republicans Remove Gray Wolf From Endangered List:  Included in the $38 billion budget deal was a rider removing the gray wolf from the endangered species list, marking the first time that Congress has ever taken such an action rather than entrusting it to a science-based federal agency.  And while the wolves will no longer be considered an endangered species, Republicans say they’re willing to do almost anything to insure that liberal Democrats are.

Support Torture:  A shocking new poll found that 60% of American teenagers support the use of torture.  What’s surprising about that?  They’ve tortured their teachers and parents for ages.

Indoor Farming:  Dutch bioengineers say new technology will allow the moving of farming indoors, where the sun never shines, where rainfall is irrelevant and where the climate is always right.  New technology?  Hell, pot heads have been practicing indoor farming for years.

Tornado Plows Through Iowa Town:  A tornado has flattened a large portion of the town of Mapleton, Iowa.  Ironically, most local residents say the town still looks pretty much the same as it always has.

The Movie Watching Experience:  Sociologists say that movies, once a collective experience, are now often seen in solitude on digital devices and are wondering if something, once important about the experience, has been lost?  Others claim that the only “collective” experience lost is the outrageous amount of cash theater owners “collect” for the movie and overpriced snacks from the concession stand.

Ikea Under Fire:  Workers at Ikea’s US plant are criticizing the company for racial bias, an anti-union stance, forced overtime and paying extremely low wages.  Sounds like Ikea may be every bit as cheap as the furniture they sell.

Tokyo Disneyland Returns:  Tokyo Disneyland is about to reopen, more than a month after a massive quake-tsunami hit Japan, causing death, widespread property damage and knocking out power supplies.  Financial analysts are now questioning the park’s continued relevance as its becoming pretty obvious that Japan itself may be a much scarier ride than anything you’ll ever find inside some silly amusement park. 

Gay Caveman Discovered:  Archaeologists in Czech Republic think they may have discovered evidence the world’s first “gay caveman,” a man buried in the way previously only seen in women’s graves with his head pointing east and surrounded by pots and jugs.  Scientists say that perhaps most telling were all the drawings of a neanderthal ancestor of Barbra Streisand on the cave walls.

Kirstie Takes a Fall:  Kirstie Alley took an embarrassing tumble on “Dancing with the Stars” this week after her partner’s thigh reportedly “gave out” during their routine.  The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) says that while the impact was substantial, no tsunami warning was issued.

Bristol Palin’s Big Payday:  Bristol Palin made $262,500 from the teen-pregnancy prevention nonprofit Candie’s Foundation, an amount that is more than seven times the $37,000 amount they spent actually preventing teen pregnancy.  Isn’t paying Bristol Palin to discuss teen pregnancy a little like asking the Medellín Cartel to discuss drug addiction?

Plane Used Too Much:  Aviation experts say that the frequent flights that Southwest Airlines requires its aging Boeing 737-300’s to make could very well have contributed to the recent fuselage rupture.  So if I’m understanding this correctly, what they’re basically saying is that the Boeing 737-300 is a terrific plane, just as long as you don’t fly it very much.

Arnold Returns to Show Biz:  With his years as governor behind him, Arnold Schwarzenegger is returning to his acting career, providing the title character’s voice for an animated action-comedy cartoon TV series called “The Governator.”  This is in contrast to his term as governor, which could pretty much be classified as an “inaction comedy.”

Red Hair Gene:  Geneticists say that the gene mutation responsible for red hair in humans probably arose sometime around 20-40,000 years ago.  Scientists say that while many with the gene have done well in life, its doubtful that any of them will ever last very long hosting the “Tonight Show.”

More Useless Statistics:  Researchers analyzed data from more than 57,000 Major League baseball games from 1952 through 2009 and found that pitchers whose teammates were hit by a pitch were more likely to nail an opposing batter when the temperature reached 90 degrees F than on cooler days.  When questioned about the data, many fans felt that the study is pointless if it fails to identify how many of those beaned batters are allergic to shellfish, born east of Toledo, Ohio and have younger brothers suffering from a cleft palate.

Mercury Pelted:  New photos from Messanger, the first spacecraft to orbit Mercury, show the tiny planet has far more impressive battle scars from regular high-speed peltings by space rocks than does Earth’s moon.  After being shown the photos, several Hollywood starlets volunteered that they know a pretty damn good dermabrasion guy in Studio City. 

Alien Earths:  U.S. researchers say a new estimate of the number of possible alien Earths orbiting distant stars puts the figure at 2 billion in our Milky Way galaxy alone.  There goes the neighborhood.

Theater Concession Food Rules:  Theater owners are said to be furious over proposed federal rules that would require them to disclose the calories of concession food.  The Feds say its time to end the theater owners policy of “don’t ask, don’t tell” how many calories are in their concession foods.

Energy Drinks:  Health experts say they are concerned that nearly half of all “energy drinks” are consumed by teenagers.  Yea, and most of the sedatives are taken by the parents who have to be around them.

Too Much Fluoride: Fluoride in drinking water, credited with dramatically cutting cavities and tooth decay, is now also being blamed for causing spots on kids teeth, with 2 out of 5 adolescents reporting spots on teeth due to too much fluoride. To combat this, parents and dentists are pleading with teens to refrain from drinking plain water and asking them to please limit their liquid consumption to sugary soft drinks. 

Benefits of Weight Training:  A growing body of research shows that weight training not only improves physical strength, but also improves cognitive function and memory, especially in  older women.  Perhaps the study’s most exciting finding was that women ages 65-75 who were put on a weight training regiment found that they were once again able to instantly recall things that their husbands did over 20 years ago to piss them off and throw it back right in their faces.  

One-Armed Bandit:  A bank robbery suspect in west Orlando surprised officers when the his prosthetic arm popped off during his arrest.  Needless to say, the handcuffing did not go very well.  The man was eventually arrested and charged with “arm robbery.”

Icon May Be Sold:  The citadel of American capitalism, the New York Stock Exchange, may soon become German-owned as talks continue with the owners Frankfurt Stock Exchange.  Sounds like now’s the time to stock up.

Returned Tie:  President Obama is telling a story about how he has finally returned a necktie to White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs which he borrowed at the 2004 Democratic National Convention just before he was to give his prime-time keynote speech.  Upon hearing the story, Lindsay Lohan remarked “the man has my vote.”

Master Brewer:  The National Brewing Company has reported the death of Peter J. Marcher Jr, a master brewer who came up with the formula for Colt 45 malt liquor.  You mean to tell me that it took a master brewer to come up with the Colt 45 formula which is the most popular beverage among alcoholics?  Hell, I always assumed Colt 45 Malt Liquor was something invented by the Nazis as a way to kill off Americans.

Literature Prize:  Harry Potter author JK Rowling has won the $93,352 Hans Christian Anderson Literature Prize.  When asked what she intended to do with the money, Rowling said the most logical choice would have been to donate it to Christine O’Donnell’s senate campaign, but after O’Donnell’s much publicized denial in her latest campaign ad, that’s definitely out.

Weepy Warnings:  British carrier Virgin Atlantic says it will give passengers “emotional health warnings” when the airline shows a movie that could prove to be a tearjerker after the airline conducted a survey that found 41% of men admitted they hid under blankets to cover their tears during in-flight films.  Meanwhile, the other 59% struggled desperately to find the air-sickness bags.

Two Dollar Gasoline:  Rep. Michele Bachmann is promising to get the price of gasoline back below $2 a gallon if she is elected president.  The downside is that if she is elected president, not many of us will likely ever see two dollars to throw together to buy gas.

Love Enhances Athletic Performance:  According to a new study of collegiate, professional and Olympic athletes, being in love is one of the best ways to enhance athletic performance.  Major League Baseball immediately announced they’ll be launching an investigation and warns that anyone currently in MLB record books who was found to be in love when they set the record will get an asterisk after their name.  

World’s Most Valuable Company:  Apple has gone from underdog to overlord as the company is now on track to surpass ExxonMobil to be the most valuable company in the world.  Apple is downplaying any comparisons between the two companies, pointing out that its extremely unlikely that they will ever sell any of their electronic devices by the barrel.

Oxygen Found in Space:  The European Space Agency’s Herschel telescope has found the first confirmed evidence of oxygen molecules in outerspace.  Now if they could just find some of that stuff here in the LA basin.

AOL Posts Loss:  AOL has posted a $11.8 million loss for Q2 of 2011.  Angry creditors have begun sending e-mails reminding the media conglomerate that “you’ve got bills!”

Rodriguez Investigation:  Major League Baseball is launching an investigation prompted by a Star Magazine report that claims Alex Rodriguez participated in a high-stakes, illegal poker game with the actors Tobey Maguire, Leonardo DiCaprio, Ben Affleck and Matt Damon.  Perhaps even more shocking than the gambling itself, its rumored that some of the participants may have also been smoking, drinking and using cuss words.

ABC Bans Practice of Paying News Subjects:  ABC News has decided that they will no longer pay “news subjects” for exclusive interviews.  When pressed, the news organization had to admit that while they are no longer paying news subjects, they’re still paying news predicates.

Rare Plant Eats Bird:  The nursery of Somerset gardener Nigel Hewitt-Cooper may be turning into a little shop of horrors as Cooper says he was totally shocked to discover that one of his carnivorous pitcher plants had eaten a small bird.  All I can say is, its probably not a good idea to use Miracle-Gro on this plant.

Sex or Your Cellphone:  According to a survey, a large number of cellphone owners would rather give up sex than their handsets when given the choice between a week without sex, or a week without a cellphone, 33 percent say they would go with the cellphone.  That’s because they realize that if they keep the cellphone, they can still have phone-sex.

Obese Not Sexually Satisfied:  Obese men and women participating in a weight loss drug study reported that they were significantly less sexually satisfied than the general population.  Researchers say this is most likely because we’re talking about a group of people who’s chances of getting laid is somewhere between slim to none.

Hathaway Injures Stuntman:  Actress Anne Hathaway recently injured a stuntman by ramming the butt of a gun into his eye on the set of the new “Batman” film.  In perhaps an even bigger faux pas, Hathaway then told him to “break a leg” just before he was about to preform a dangerous stunt. 

Body of the Year:  Sixty-six year-old Helen Mirren has been voted number one in an LA Fitness poll of 2,000 men and women for female celebrity “Body of the Year.”  That’s surprising because she’s not even dead yet.  I would have bet on Amy Winehouse getting voted celebrity “body of the year.”

Twitter Users are Better Educated:  According to new research by Pew Internet, Twitter users are better educated than users of Facebook.  Well, at least they’re smart enough not to waste all their time on Facebook.

A Cat Named Kitler:  Staff at a British animal shelter say no one seems interested in adopting a six-week-old kitten whom they’ve playfully named “Kilter” because of a black mark under its nose that closely resembles Hitler’s mustache.  Shelter workers say that while they fully understand people’s reluctance to adopt a cat that looks like Hitler, they are quick to point out that a kitten of this size would have very little chance of successfully invading a country such as Poland or Slovakia. 

Judge Blocks Circumcision Ban:  A San Francisco judge has struck down a proposed male circumcision ban from the November ballot, citing religious freedom protection.  Probably a good decision.  It would be a shame to cut off someone’s religious freedom.

Time Travel Impossible:  A team of scientists from Hong Kong are claiming that because a single photon cannot travel faster than the speed of light, time travel is impossible.  When asked to provide a more detailed explanation of their theory, the scientists said they would have liked to, but they just don’t have time.

Netflix Customers Angry:  Outraged Netflix customers are venting their anger online and through Twitter after the service announced price increases of as much as 60%.  I was so angry that I almost went to an actual movie theater, but then remembered that you actually have to pay for the movie and the food.

Sex with Hefner:  Hugh Hefner’s former finance Crystal Harris is claiming that she only had sex with the 85-year-old one time, that it only lasted two seconds and that Hefner doesn’t take his clothes off during sex, so she never saw him naked.  Or perhaps he actually was naked and she mistakenly assumed it was some craggy, old leather outfit he was wearing.

Importance of Forests:  A recently released benchmark study determined that forests play an extremely important role in protecting our environment by soaking up a third of all fossil fuel emissions.  Unfortunately, the other two thirds are sucked into the lungs of commuters stuck in LA traffic.

Viking Women Were Invaders Too:  A new look at ancient burials suggests that Viking women may have equaled men in moving to England during the medieval Viking invasions of that area.  Noted historians point out that this would have been an extremely difficult and painful time for the English because the Viking invasions took place long before the English had access to Vicodin.

Schwarzenegger Saying No to Spousal Support:  Court filings indicate that Arnold Schwarzenegger is saying no to paying Maria Shriver spousal support or her attorney’s fees in their divorce case.  Perhaps if Arnold were a little more familiar with the word “no,” he might not be in this situation to begin with.

Farm Thefts Increasing:  As the economy worsens, farms are increasingly becoming the targets of thieves with everything from grapes to honey bees being stolen at ever increasing rates across the nation.  Economists say a good indication that the economy has hit absolute rock bottom will be when people become so desperate that they start stealing lima beans.    

Borders Closing Remaining Stores:  A day after the bankrupt chain said it would seek court approval to sell off its assets and shutter its remaining 399 stores, everyone from publishers to consumers are assessing what it would mean if the company that started the big-box bookseller concept vanished.  I’ll tell you exactly what it means, it means I’ll have to find somewhere else to use the restroom.

Former Players Sue NLF:  A group of 75 former football players is suing the NFL, accusing the league of intentionally hiding brain-injury risks from athletes for 90 years.  In other news, a group of heroin addicts are suing their drug dealers because the dealers failed to mention that heroin is addicting. 

Human Population Was Once Scarce:  Scientists say that while it may seem difficult to believe in a world with almost seven billion people, humans populations were once very thin and at times teetered on the brink of extinction.  And the nuclear energy industry promises they’ll do everything possible to insure that we get back to that brink once again.

Water Myth Debunked:  The health recommendation to drink eight glasses of water every day is “thoroughly debunked nonsense,” according to a doctor’s commentary published in the British Medical Journal.  The doctor further argues that while eight glasses of water as day are not essential for the average adult, eight glasses of Jack Daniels most certainly are.

Skateboarding Injuries:  It is estimated that close to 100,000 people require medical treatment each year due to skateboarding injuries, many because skateboarders are not wearing protection.  In an effort to reduce those injuries, doctors are urging everyone not to go skateboarding unless you’re wearing a condom.

Dutch Woman Charged With Stalking:  Dutch prosecutors are charging a 42-year-old woman with stalking after she allegedly called her ex-boyfriend 65,000 times in the past year.  You’d almost get the impression that he’s not really all that interested anymore.

Postal Service Problems:  According to Postmaster General Patrick Donahoe, the US Postal Service is on the verge of financial collapse and needs to take drastic steps to survive including dropping Saturday mail delivery.  This is causing somewhat of a backlash with many home owners, who complain that without the mailman coming, “just what are our dogs supposed to look forward to on Saturdays?”  

Extra-Circular Activities:  LA Police say Stephen Kinzey, a professor of kinesiology at California State University, San Bernardino also had a couple of side jobs – leader of the biker gang “Devils Disciples” as well as being a methamphetamine dealer.  Fellow Cal State students say they wondered why the majority of his students seemed to be pulling “all-nighters” every night, even if they didn’t have any exams.

Costs of Insomnia:  A new study conducted by Harvard Medical School concludes that insomnia costs the U.S. economy about $63 billion annually.  Economists say that will this figure raises some concern, its nothing to lose sleep over.

Space Junk:  Scientists are warning NASA that it is time they start to deal with all the space junk and clutter floating around the planet, which threaten both spacecraft and satellites.  You know there’s something seriously wrong when you begin running out of space in space!

Most Dangerous Room:  According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, its the bathroom and not the kitchen which is the most dangerous room in a modern household.  Especially when the whole family just returns home from this year’s chili cook-off. 

Stealing Copper:  Verizon is offering a reward of up to $10,000 for information leading to the arrest and prosecution of those responsible for stealing their copper cable in the Los Angeles.  Verizon says if the thefts don’t stop soon, they’re gonna call the coppers. 

Coffee Buzz:  New research from the University of London has found that the buzz we get from caffeinated may very well just be in our heads.  A related study concluded that the sting we feel after paying nearly five dollars for a cup of coffee at Starbucks may very well be just in our wallets. 

Great White Captured in Malibu:  A young male great white shark that was recently captured in the waters off Malibu has been transported to the Monterey Bay Aquarium to be placed on exhibit.  Aquarium officials defended the action, pointing out that the shark is now gainfully employed by the Monterey Aquarium and not just hanging out in Malibu, eating surfers and getting into trouble. 

Venus Pulls Out:  Revealing that she has been diagnosed with the autoimmune disease Sjögren’s syndrome, a disease causes fatigue and joint pain, Venus Williams had to pull out of the US Open.  The real tragedy is that ”Sjögren’s” is a disease that only dyslexics can fully comprehend.

Men Prefer Brunettes:  Conventional wisdom may have men favoring blondes, but a new UK study shows that men actually prefer brunettes.  Hell, the way things are going for me lately, I’d be reasonably happy just to find a girl who still has most of her front teeth.

 

Smuggling Snakes:  Security agents at Miami International Airport have stopped a man trying to smuggle an entire collection of exotic snakes and turtles on board a plane in his pants.  The arresting agent said she immediately surmised that either the man was smuggling in exotic snakes or that he was extremely happy to see me.

 

Reporting Fellow Doctors:  A new survey says that many doctors do not report other doctors who are drunk, addicted to drugs, mentally ill or outright incompetent.  Its also possible that other doctors actually did report them, but no one could read their handwriting.

 

Gaddafi’s Condoleezza Rice Album:  Among the many bizarre items uncovered as Libyan rebels ransacked Muammar Gaddafi’s Tripoli compound was an album filled with hundreds of photos of former U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice.  Pentagon officials say they are aware of people who have “secretary fetishes,” but this is the first time they’ve ever encountered someone with a “Secretary of State fetish.” 

 

Donut Shop Murders:  The California Supreme Court today upheld a man’s conviction and death sentence for murdering a 22-year-old female clerk at a Gardena doughnut shop during a robbery more than 18 years ago.  Hell, any nutritionist could have told him that if you hope to live a long life, you have to keep away from the donut shops. 

 

Rick Springfield Arraigned:  Singer-actor Rick Springfield is set to be arraigned next week on two misdemeanor DUI charges stemming from his May 1 arrest in Malibu.  You can bet the poor guy probably wishes he had Jessie’s driving record.

 

Royal Family Gets Budget Cut:  New legislation in the UK will subject the Queen’s finances to the same detailed audit as other government departments, while reducing her budget by 10 percent over the next four years.  Its beginning to sound like the Queen may have to start brushing up on her secretarial skills. 

 

Bachmann Says No to Mud Wrestling:  GOP presidential hopeful Michele Bachmann says the media would like to see her get into mud wrestling fight with Sarah Palin, adding that “its just not gonna happen.”  Bachmann added that the American public is not stupid and would much rather see she and Palin in a wet T-Shirt contest.

 

Right Whales Back in New Zealand:  More than a hundred years after it was hunted to local extinction, the playful, frolicking “right whale” is finally finding its way back to its ancestral calving grounds in New Zealand.  Scientists are quick to caution, however, that just because the right whales are back doesn’t necessarily make the things they’re doing in New Zealand right.

 

Bank Failures:  The FDIC says 12% of US banks are now in danger of failing, the highest level in 18 years.  I was hiding money in a mattress, but the mattress failed.  Guess nothing is safe anymore.

 

Thriller Jacket Sells for $1.8 Million:  The red-and-black leather jacket that Michael Jackson wore in the music video for “Thriller” almost 30 years ago has sold to a Texas gold trader for $1.8 million.  Wow, I have an old leather jacket that I’d be “thrilled” if I could sell it for $75.

 

Mobster Captured:  James “Whitey” Bulger, a notorious Boston gangster on the FBI’s “Ten Most Wanted” list for his alleged role in 19 murders, has been found living with his girlfriend in a rent-controled apartment in Santa Monica.  I’m fairly certain he’ll not have to all that concerned about rent from here on out.

 

Sweat Lodge Conviction:  An Arizona jury has convicted self-help author James Arthur Ray of three counts of negligent homicide in the deaths of three people who died at his sweat-lodge event near Sedona in October 2009.  Now its James Arthur Ray’s turn to do a little sweating. 

 

Alligator Fat as Biofuel:  Researchers say new studies show that alligator fat makes an excellent biofuel and that we may one day use it to power our cars.  Of course the downside is that the alligators will now have to eat twice as many people in order to get fat enough to make the biofuel idea a reality.

 

Earth Not Expanding:  New data is discounting any possibility that the Earth may still be expanding.  Researchers say that we now realize that it would be nearly impossible to get all the permits necessary for an expansion of that magnitude to ever get approval.

 

Chocolate and Laughter:  Two new studies presented to the European Society of Cardiology’s conference in Paris have found that chocolate and laughter are both quite good for the heart.  Researchers say the that if these two studies have anything to teach us about how to avoid heart disease, it would be that when someone offers you some chocolate, it would probably be a good idea just to laugh in their face.

 

Drug Sales:  A new report says that the top-selling pharmaceuticals in America today are antipsychotic drugs.  This is in contrast to the 60’s, when everyone was taking drugs because they wanted to hallucinate.   

 

World’s Tallest Tower:  Saudi Arabia Prince Alwaleed bin Talal, who has big stakes in News Corp. and Fox News, announced plans to build the world’s tallest tower in Jidda in a $1.23 billion construction deal signed with the Bin Laden Group.  Sounds like a pretty good choice for a builder.  One of the Bin Ladens built a pretty nice compound in Pakistan.  

 

Mating With Neanderthals: According to new research, mating with Neanderthals really helped foster strengthening the human immune system.  Critics complain that this type of research sends the wrong message to our young people, suggesting that if you’re looking to strengthen your immune system, don’t worry about eating nutritious food or getting plenty of exercise, simply mate with a Neanderthal.

 

Obesity and Health:  A new study suggests that obese people with only minor health problems can live just as long as their slimmer counterparts.  Researchers did point out, however, that while many of these obese people can expect to live the same long, healthy life as that of a much thinner person, don’t expect them to get laid nearly as much.

 

Sensing Earth’s Magnetism:  U.S. researchers are claiming that a protein in the human eye may have the ability to sense Earth’s magnetic field in the same manner that migrating animals do.  Maybe so, but having just migrated from Hawaii back to California, I’m pretty much sticking with United Airlines and gonna leave all that magnetic field stuff to the wildebeests. 

 

Skinny Women Earn More Money:  According to a study in the Journal of Applied Psychology, women who are “very thin” earn nearly $22,000 more than their “average weight” counterparts.  One thing’s for certain, they’re not spending very much of that extra money on food. 

 

Hearing Last Sense to Go at Death:  Doctors say that when a person is dying, hearing is generally the last sense to go.  Yea, the first thing to go is your money which heads directly into the medical provider’s bank account. 

 

Huge History Buff:  Newly crowned Miss USA , Alyssa Campanella of Los Angeles, revealed during the show is that she is “a huge history buff.”  Don’t know much about the “history buff” part, but anyone who viewed the swimsuit competition has a fairly good idea of how she looks in the “buff.” 

 

Black Hole Eats Star:  Astronomers feel they’ve identified the source of a mysterious blast of gamma rays that reached Earth in late March as that of a black hole devouring a wandering star.  Perhaps even more surprising were the indications that the black hole had first inquired if the wandering stars were fresh today.

 

Rat Memories Improved:  Scientists have developed a brain implant that restored lost memories and improved recollection in lab rats.  Researchers expressed hope that with the aid of this implant, rats may once again become productive members of society.

 

New Sunscreen Rules:  The FDA proposes using a sunscreen with an SPF of 15 to 30 as well as stricter guidelines for describing how well sunscreen products work to protect against UVA and UVB.  I had no idea that acronyms were that dangerous. 

 

Children’s Author Removed From Plane:  Robert Sayegh, a New York children’s author, was ejected from an aircraft for disruptive behavior after using the f-word in exasperation during a plane delay at a U.S. airport.  Sayegh says he now plans to publish a series of books that will focus on teaching children to swear effectively. 

 

Gymnast Runs Campaign:  Olympic weightlifter and gymnast Melanie Roach is a busy woman.  Not only is she a wife, mother of three and owner of one of the largest gymnastics schools in the Pacific Northwest, she also runs her four term Washington State Representative husband’s reelection campaign.  Guess we don’t need to ask why her husband is known for flip-flopping on key issues.

 

Mom Donates Uterus to Daughter:  A British woman is preparing to donate her uterus to her daughter who was born without a uterus in what will be the world’s first womb transplant.  If doctors successfully transplant her 56-year-old mother’s uterus, it would mean the daughter would bear a child in the same womb from which she herself was born.  Friends say all the poor girl has ever gotten most of her life were hand-me-downs and now this.

 

Drug War Not Justified:  Two reports have recently surfaced claiming that US drug war spending is simply not working and cannot be justified.  Of course they’ll always be those who question the objectivity of the study simply because the reports were authored by Pablo Escobar and Don Corleone. 

 

Consume Blueberries for Good Health:  Nutritional scientists are now suggesting that the public consider eating lots of blueberries because they can help lower your risk of high blood pressure.  Although the amount each person should consume varies, nutritionists say a good rule of thumb would be to eat them until you’re blue in the face.

 

Playmate Booked for Methamphetamine Possession:  A former Playboy Playmate ended up booked for felony possession of methamphetamine today after a traffic stop for running a stop sign in Hollywood.  She claimed that everything seemed to be happening so fast, she just didn’t notice the stop sign. 

 

Office Move The popular 70’s pop group Kansas has moved their offices to California.  Now they can truly say “I guess we’re not in Kansas anymore.”

 

Scientists Trap Anti-Matter:  Scientists say they are a step closer to solving the mystery of the universe’s origins after trapping and storing anti-matter for 16 minutes.  Former Bush Administration officials claim we could already have all the information we need had we subjected the anti-matter to enhanced interrogation techniques while we had it in captivity. 

 

Oldest Working Model:  Carmen Dell’Orefice, the world’s oldest working model, who has worked continuously since 1947, has just turned 80.  When asked how it was possible that she has remained a working model for all these years, she said its probably due to the fact that she basically hasn’t had anything to eat since 1947.

 

Americans Are Angry:  As unemployment hits 9.1 percent, Americans are losing their cool according to a Newsweek/Daily Beast poll which found rising anger levels negatively impacting everything from work to sex drives.  How true.  I know I am having much more difficulty having sex at work these days.

 

Suicide Bombers:  Pakistan announced that it planned to expand its offensive against Taliban militants after a bomb in a crowded market killed eight people.  Its a strange world we’re living in when we’re forced to hunt down and assassinate people who want to kill themselves. 

 

Wikipedia Gender Gap:  Surveys suggest that less than 15 percent of the online encyclopedia Wikipedia’s hundreds of thousands of contributors are female.  Researchers say female contributions will most likely decline even further after the recent loss Chastity Bono.

 

Steve Jobs Returns:  Apple announced that ailing chief executive Steve Jobs will return from sick leave to unveil Apple’s latest generation of software.  Jobs is becoming almost a Count Dracula like creature that every so often Apple will open his coffin and pull him up on stage to scare the daylights out of competitors and tech reporters.  

 

Mandate Condom Use:  The LA City Council asked that state and county officials allow Los Angeles to make the use of condoms on adult-film sets a condition of getting a film permit.  Smart move!  Some have even gone so far to suggest that it might also be a good idea to wear a condom if you’re gonna be attending a City Council meeting.  

 

Off Endangered Species List:  The US has taken the majestic bluefin tuna off the endangered species list, but the fish will still be listed as a “species of concern.”  Bluefin supporters are expressing concern that the new “species of concern” status will make it extremely difficult for any bluefin tuna to get by TSA Screeners at LAX.

 

Crystal Cathedral For Sale:  The Crystal Cathedral, Orange County’s landmark megachurch in Garden Grove, will be sold to escape Chapter 11 bankruptcy and rectify millions in debt woes, according to church officials.  Rumor has it that a drug cartel is one of the prospective buyers and it is their dream to transform the facility into a “Crystal Meth Cathedral.”

 

Zuckerberg Only Eats What He Kills:  Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg is creating a bit of controversy by declaring that he only eats meat from animals he has killed himself.  Attorneys for the late Jeffrey Dahmer are cautioning Zuckerberg that that argument didn’t seem to work all that well when they used it.  

 

Shriver Leaked Love Child News:  It is being reported that it was most likely Maria Shriver herself who “leaked” the news about Arnold’s love child to the LA Times.  And Arnold claims that there wouldn’t have been a love child in the first place if the damn condom hadn’t ”leaked.” 

 

Densest Planet Found:  A space telescope has discovered a “Super-Earth” orbiting a distant star which astronomers are calling the densest planet ever observed.  The planet radioed back a reply saying “you on Planet Earth can call us dense all you want, but we’re not the one’s spending our Sunday’s watching Keeping Up with the Kardashians.”

 

Scotch Electricity:  Helius Energy, a London based biomass company, is leading a £60.5 million ($100 million) project to convert waste from Scotch distilleries in the into electricity and heat.  A Helius spokesperson assured local residents that while we will be converting waste from the making of Scotch Whisky into electricity, we have no plans at this time to convert the people who get wasted on Scotch Whisky into electricity.

 

Schwarzenegger Film Comeback:  Arnold Schwarzenegger is set to star in the film “Cry Macho,” playing a Kentucky Derby-winning horse breeder who sinks to depression and alcoholism after losing his wife and kids.  What a shame.  You’d think he’d have simply made arrangements to meet them somewhere after the derby was over.

 

Consumer Confidence Index Rises:  The Conference Board Consumer Research Center says Americans’ concerns about jobs and inflation eased somewhat in April, pushing the Consumer Confidence Index higher.  Consumers all over America are reporting that they’re totally confident that they don’t have enough money to pay for anything. 

 

Banning Circumcision:  A group opposed to male circumcision said they have collected more than enough signatures to qualify a proposal to ban the practice in San Francisco as a ballot measure for November elections.  Even supporters admit that if the bill does pass, it will most likely just be by the skin of their teeth.

 

Fish Species May Vanish:  A new study suggests that more than 40 fish species in the Mediterranean could vanish in the next few years.  Interestingly, many of those species are expected to crawl up on land and parlay their connections to go into the seafood business.

 

Blood Clot Risk:  While being obese is already linked with a higher risk of forming potentially deadly clots in the legs and lungs, a large study concluded that being tall exposes one to substantial clot risk also.  Despite the finding, the Federal Trade Commission says they have no plans to force “Big and Tall Stores” to change their name to “Clot in Artery Stores.”

 

Storm Devastation:  Severe storms have cut a path of destruction across the south, from Texas to Tennessee, leaving at least 31 people dead and damaged an untold number of buildings.  Officials in the affected states issued a joint statement boldly declaring that “while any loss of human life is always a great tragedy, the destruction of so many of the Skoal billboards which line nearly all of our roads is profoundly devastating to our southern way of life.”

 

IQ Scores:  Studies show that IQ scores reveal more about the test-taker’s motivation to do well on the exam as opposed to intelligence.  Unfortunately, most people are too stupid to realize it.

 

Malaria Drugs Missing:  The Associated Press is reporting that a global health fund believes that millions of dollars worth of its donated malaria drugs have been stolen.  Authorities say they are simply at a loss to understand just who would want to see all those malaria drugs disappear other than Mosquitoes?

 

Amish Conflicts:  Conflicts between Amish traditions and Pennsylvania laws erupted after two Amish homes and a schoolhouse were padlocked after their outhouses were illegally emptied onto fields, prompting complaints.  Funny, I always used to think my school sucked, but looking back, at least we didn’t have to use an outhouse.

 

Hefner to Marry:  All the buzz around the Royal Wedding has cast the spotlight off the June wedding of 85-year-old Playboy founder Hugh Hefner to 24-year-old Playmate Crystal Harris.  You have to wonder just what goes here.  Here is a guy so old, he needs Viagra just to have phone sex.

 

Human Hibernation:  New research shows that bears keep surprisingly warm during their months of hibernation and that suggests humans could take advantage of similar biochemical tricks.  Apparently quite a few air traffic controllers are already on to this technique.

 

Mafia Boss Testifies:  Mafia boss Joseph C. Massino may be placing his life in jeopardy by becoming the first American Mafia chieftain to break the Mafia code of silence by testifying for the prosecution at a Brooklyn murder trial.  I’m sure the other Mafia members will understand that he simply wants to do the right thing by obeying the law.

 

Taco Bell Meat:  A lawsuit alleging that Taco Bell’s beef failed to meet the federal definition of “meat” has been withdrawn after Taco Bell changed its marketing and product disclosure.  Perhaps a better question to ponder is whether or not anything Taco Bell serves could legally meet the federal definition of “food.” 

 

Restless Legs Syndrome:  New research suggests that in some people, the nighttime twitching of restless legs syndrome may be more than an annoyance, it could be a sign of potentially fatal, hidden heart problems.  Doctors say that while heart disease is a terrible and often fatal, the indisputable fact is that “dead people don’t twitch.”

 

Atlas Ignored:  Atlas Shrugged, the low-budget adaptation of Ayn Rand’s famous 1957 novel tanked at the box office, earning only $1.7 million from about 300 theaters.  ”Who is John Galt?”  Apparently the answer is “who cares?”

 

Highest Ticket Prices Ever:  Las Vegas show prices are now going for an all-time high, with the average ticket going for $76.46.  Oh wait, that might have actually been the average price of a Las Vegas hooker.  My mistake.

 

Classroom Problems:  The School Board in the City in Acton, California is becoming concerned by the recent increase in school violence, both in and out of the classroom.  School officials say they’re not yet certain if the violence is gang related or if the kids or just “Acton out.”

 

Baggy Pants Outlawed:  The Florida legislature is very close to passing a bill which would outlaw “baggy pants” on students in the state’s public school system.  To further compliance, legislators say students caught wearing baggy pants while carrying bag lunches will be expelled right on the spot.

 

Treating Insomnia:  Researchers at the Mayo Clinic say recent research indicates that roughly 30%-50% of the general population are affected by insomnia, with 10% of those suffering from chronic insomnia.  Doctors say that while medications may help to some degree, the only permanent solution appears to be taking a job as an air traffic controller. 

 

How the Moon Formed:  Scientists now think that the Moon was formed when a Mars-sized object crashed into the Earth about 4.5 billion years ago sending a huge spray of debris into space which gathered itself into a sphere and formed itself into the Moon.  I can’t speak about the Moon, but I think that pretty much explains why my apartment looks the way it does. 

 

World’s Most Beautiful Woman:  People magazine has named singer, actress and American Idol judge Jennifer Lopez “the World’s Most Beautiful Woman.”  Looks like Rosie O’Donnell gets the shaft again.

 

Elderly Worse at Multitasking:  A University of California study determined that older people are worse than younger adults when it comes to the distractions of multitasking.  No Kidding!  That’s because when you’re young, your entire life is essentially a distraction. 

 

Jesus’ Nails Found:  An Israeli-Canadian journalist believes he may have tracked down two of the iron nails used to crucify Jesus to the cross.  The nails will now be sent over to Mel Gibson for verification.

 

Teaching Intelligent Design:  Tennessee legislators have taken a step closer to allowing controversial subjects such as intelligent design to be taught in the science classroom.  Ironically, Tennessee legislators may turn out to be living proof that we haven’t really evolved very much at all.

 

Oldest Working Judge:  A 103 -year-old judge in Wichita, Kansas who requires a wheelchair as well as oxygen, is the oldest working jurist in the United States.  This gives him the distinction of being the only Federal judge who actually must be carried in to carry out justice.

 

Drugs Helping Weight Loss:  The medical journal “Lancet” is reporting that researchers have found that an experimental combination of two “older drugs” is successfully helping many people drop those extra pounds.  Unfortunately for dieters, the two “older drugs” turned out to be methamphetamine and crack cocaine.

 

Michigan Baby Served Margarita:  A 15-month-old baby in Michigan was hospitalized with a .10 blood-alcohol count, over the legal limit for a driver, after a local Applebee’s served him a margarita in a sippy cup.  Police say the situation could have easily ended much worse and credit Applebee’s bartender for being perceptive enough to cut him off as well as make sure that he didn’t drive home. 

 

Parish Says Facebook and Christianity Incompatible:  A Chicago parish claims that social networking sites like Facebook and Christianity are incompatible because they encourage vanity and dishonesty by allowing people to create their own version of reality, concocted identities and social realities with a reduced risk of real-world consequences.  I could be wrong on this, but that sounds a lot more like the life many Catholic priests have been leading than someone who posts a profile on Facebook.  

 

Trump Buys Winery:  Media outlets are reporting that Donald Trump has bought a Virginia vineyard that was in foreclosure.  Shortly after the sale was finalized, Trump told reporters that President Obama had better not even think about purchasing any of his wine until he comes up with an authentic, verifiable ID.

 

Coffee Gene Discovered:  New research suggests that two genes seem to regulate how much caffeine one craves.  In other news, Starbucks just announced plans to branch out into genetic research.

 

Dangers of Combat Zones:  Returning veterans of the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq are attending a forum in Seattle to discuss the stress associated with being a soldier in those troubled areas.  While there was some disagreement in the room over various issues, one thing everyone seemed to agree upon is that while fighting in those theaters is extremely dangerous, its nowhere near the risks fans face while attending LA Dodgers games.  

 

Guns on Campus:  The Arizona House has approved a bill allowing firearms to be carried either in the open or concealed on college campuses.  Enthusiastic fraternity members say the addition of firearms should provide unimaginable new ways for excitement at campus keg parties.

 

Beck to Leave Fox:  Glenn Beck announced that he will be leaving his daily show on Fox News by the end of the year.  Beck said it became obvious that the best way to reach his true, core audience -the people who really “get” his message -would not be through a TV show, but by mumbling incoherently to himself on street corners and in back alleys.

 

Female Egyptian Protesters Mistreated:  Amnesty International is reporting that arrested female protesters in Egypt are being beaten, photographed and forced to take a virginity test, and those found not to be virgins are charged with prostitution.   In related news, Paris Hilton announced that she has canceled all plans for protesting in Egypt until further notice.   

 

Bird Killers:  The American Bird Conservancy is claiming that its actually cats who are the number one threat to birds and not the often-blamed wind turbines, point out that cats kill 500 million birds each year as opposed to wind turbines, which kill about 440,000 birds.  And of course it goes without saying that in communities where cats are operating the wind turbines, you’re looking at a recipe for unimaginable disaster.

 

Safety Awards:  Transocean, the company that owned the Deepwater Horizon platform that went up into a ball of fire and inundated the Gulf of Mexico with oil, is awarding execs bonuses for safety and performance for the year 2010.  And what would be more fitting than to fly the safety-conscious executives to the award ceremony on a beautiful Southwest Airlines Boeing 737-300 which sports a similar safety record?

 

Nevada Housing Market Collapse:  Analysts say that Nevada’s boom and bust housing market has left a whopping 167,000 vacant houses in the state.  Nevada residents say that the state’s housing market is just too much of a gamble. 

 

Italian Prime Minister on Trial:  Milan judges began one of the most sensational trials in recent Italian history when they hold hearings into charges that Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi paid a teenaged nightclub dancer for sex last year.  When asked to comment about the situation, Bill Clinton characterized Berlusconi’s actions as totally inappropriate for the leader of a nation, adding that “you have to wonder just what was he thinking?  Don’t they have any interns in Italy?”

 

Tattoo Discount:  Ecko Unlimited, purveyors of t-shirts, denim, track jackets, polos and sneakers, is offering a 20% discount off its wares for life to anyone who gets a real tattoo of the brand’s logo.  I’m personally holding back on the tattoo till ex-lax makes a better offer. 

 

Gas Prices Rise Again:  The Energy Department says that gas prices have increased a whopping 97 cents a gallon in the past year.  The oil companies say the increase is both necessary and justified because the amount it takes to pay-off Congress to prevent legislation unfavorable to energy monopolies has increased. 

 

Protects Women’s Eyesight:  New research suggests that women who consume fish regularly have a lower risk of developing age-related macular degeneration.  In contrast, women who frequently who eat at McDonald’s are more likely to develop Big Macular Degeneration. 

 

God’s Plan:  A new study says that over half of all Americans believe that God is in control of everything happening on earth and that God plans natural disasters such as Japan’s earthquake and tsunami.  Guess planning all those massive, devastating catastrophes must a lot more interesting than all that silly, do-gooder stuff like healing the sick, providing food and shelter for the dispossessed or ending a few of these bloody wars we’re fighting. 

 

No More Flu:  Medical researchers say they are less than a decade away from creating a one-time vaccine that will prevent all types of flu, including deadly pandemic strains such as swine flu, bird flu, and Spanish flu.  Doctors concede, however, that the one possible exception would be it is highly unlikely the they could do anything to prevent the 1975 Academy Award winning film “One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest” from being shown on late-night cable channels. 

 

Radiation Found:  Japan’s health ministry says they have found abnormal levels of radiation in milk produced near the overheating nuclear plant, but said that if you drank the milk every day for a year, the effect would only be about the same as one CT scan.  Officials did say, however, that just as a precaution, they will now require Japan’s dairy industry to change their ads from “Got Milk?” to “Got Geiger Counter?”

 

Smoking Controversy:  Supermodel Kate Moss shocked many when she sauntered down the runway of Louis Vuitton’s Paris fashion show puffing on a cigarette.  When asked what she thought about female role models engaging in such obviously unhealthy behavior, Naomi Campbell said “there is simply no excuse for it and frankly, it just makes me wanna puke.”

 

Lexus Driver Kills Ferrari Driver:  A veteran movie animator from Malibu was killed after being run over by a Lexus as he got out of his Ferrari on the shoulder of LA’s Ventura Freeway.  Police say the man may have survived if the original ambulance hadn’t been turned away because those on the scene insisted that its totally inappropriate for a someone injured in an accident involving two luxury automobiles of that caliber to be hauled away in an ambulance made by Chevrolet. 

 

Getting News From the Web:  Last year, for the first time in history, more people reported getting their news from the internet than from a physical newspaper.  Many veterinarians are expressing concern, fearing people will begin spanking misbehaving dogs with their computers instead of a newspaper.

 

Toddler Internet Use:  Nearly 80% of children between the ages of 0 and 5 use the Internet on at least a weekly basis in the United States, according to a new report.  Never one to miss a marketing opportunity, Apple immediately announced the launch their new “iCrib.”

 

Wisconsin Gov Finally Puts Elderly in Their Place:  AARP is reporting that Wisconsin’s Republican Gov. Scott Walker’s proposed budget would effectively end the state’s SeniorCare prescription drug program, forcing 91,000 elderly to enroll in private plans which are significantly more expensive.  Walker justified the cuts by pointing out that “if we don’t do something to limit the elderly’s access to medical care, our highways could one-day be flooded with 20-year-old Ford Crown Victorias driving 25 MPH in 50 MPH zones.” 

 

The Public and Science:  New polling has indicated that much of the public seems to be experiencing high levels of disconnect when it comes to scientific issues such as vaccination safety, organic food, evolution, and other areas where science intersects with politics, religion, values and faddism.  Put in simpler terms, they’ve been watching too much Glenn Beck.

 

Human Evolution:  Scientists say that since diverging from chimpanzees over seven-million years ago, human ancestors lost DNA snippets including spines on our penises which scientists feel may have actually helped pave the way for humans to become monogamous.  Sure hasn’t seemed to have done much to help our politicians remain monogamous, and they are some of the biggest, spineless dicks I can think of.

 

ED Risk:  Researchers at Kaiser say the use of aspirin and other anti-inflammatory drugs such as Advil is associated with a 22% increase in the risk of erectile dysfunction.  For many guys, that’s gonna be a hard pill to swallow. 

 

World’s Richest Man:  According to Forbes magazine, Bill Gates is no longer the world’s man, with that distinction now belonging to Mexican billionaire Carlos Slim.  A fact that would be strongly disputed by Gov. Scott Walker, who seems to feel that most of the world’s wealth is concentrated in the hands of Wisconsin’s school teachers. 

 

Color Pics of 1906 SF Quake:  A museum volunteer has unearthed what the Smithsonian Institution believes to be the first — and perhaps only — color photographs of San Francisco after the 1906 earthquake and fire that nearly leveled the city.  Those who’ve examined the photographs say that most of the damage seems to be located just south of the Blockbuster Video store on Van Ness Blvd.  

 

Happiest Place:  A new study says that Hawaii is the state where people are happiest and West Virginia is the state where people report being the most unhappy.  And the most paranoid state turns out to be Glenn Beck’s state of mind.

 

The Country Made Me Do It:  Newt Gingrich is now claiming that it was actually his passion for his country that led to his marital infidelity.  Yea, in the words of that other great patriot Nathan Hale, “I only regret I have but one wife to give for my country.”

 

A Theory of Everything:  Einstein died before completing his dream of creating a unified theory of everything.  Meanwhile, modern-day physicists are carrying his torch, vowing to watch every episode of the Glenn Beck Show until he decides to divulge the answer. 

 

New Hand:  A young mother who lost her right hand in a traffic accident has become the first person to receive a hand transplant in California.  Unfortunately, the poor woman was accidentally given one of Pee Wee Herman’s hands which sadly appears to be capable of performing only one task.

 

Mysterious Fish Deaths:  Workers from various local agencies in Southern California are still scooping up hundreds of thousands of dead anchovies from the waters at King Harbor Marina after a massive fish kill that occurred there.  Marine biologists say the cause of the deaths is still under investigation, adding that the only thing they’re certain about at this time is that its highly unlikely they’ll ordering anchovy toppings on their pizzas for a long time to come.

 

Self-Worth:  A recent study by the University at Buffalo says that if the woman in your life has been posting a lot of photos on Facebook lately, its most likely a sign that her self-worth needs a boost.  Interesting.  Wonder what it means when she posts copies of my bank statements?

 

Stomach Pacemaker:  Researchers are testing a stomach pacemaker that is surgically implanted and sends out electrical pulses meant to trick the stomach and brain into thinking it is full.  I can think of a few people I’d like to see have a pacemaker like that implanted right into their colon with the hope that they too would be able to sense just how full of it they really are.

 

Life Delievered on Meteorites:  Astrobiologists are now examining meteorites looking for evidence of microbes that they feel may have been involved in transporting the first traces of life to earth.  While all this may be interesting, it still doesn’t explain one of science’s most daunting questions, what destructive forces of nature could have possibly come together and left us something like Cleveland? 

 

Sheen Off to Haiti:  Charlie Sheen announced that he will be accompanying fellow-actor Sean Penn on a humanitarian trip to Haiti.  Perfect, because let’s face it folks, what could be more consoling to the suffering people of Haiti than a visit from an egomaniacal, half-crazed, manic actor who is still jonesing after a recent crack-cocaine binge? 

 

Phil Collins Retires:  Phil Collins reportedly plans to end his music career due to hearing problems, a dislocated vertebra and nerve damage in his hands — all caused by a lifetime spent hunched over a drum set.  This is as opposed to actor Parker Stevenson, who traces his physical problems back to all the years he spent hunched over ex-wife Kirstie Alley.

 

Amelia Earhart Investigation:  Anthropologists say studies are so far inconclusive that a bone fragment found on a remote South Pacific island may belong to Amelia Earhart, the legendary pilot who disappeared 74 years ago while flying over the Pacific Ocean in a record attempt to circle the world at the equator.  On a positive note, her luggage finally showed up last week at LaGuardia. 

 

Mazda Recall:  Mazda is recalling 50,000 cars because cars may be full of spiders.  Frankly, I’m not so sure they should just have taken Charlie Sheen’s word on that.

 

Sex Act in Class:  Northwestern University says it will investigate a professor’s decision to permit a live sex act demonstration during a special post-class session.  While having students witness a live sex act may not have been the best idea, but when you think about it, its still a far better idea than having students witnessing a sex demonstration with one of the participants being dead.

 

Mass Extinction:  A group of scientists are cautioning that the earth has undergone mass extinctions exactly five times in the past 540 million years and if things continue the way they are, we may be at the beginning of the sixth.  I see it coming too.  Free in-flight meals in coach, the right to text while driving as well as the VCR are already gone forever.

 

Jobs Unveils New iPad:  Apple CEO Steve Jobs, who is on medical leave, surprised everyone when he took the stage to unveil the new iPad 2.  Geez, he’s really taking a risk going back to work like that.  They pull him off his disability insurance.   

 

New iPad:  Steve Jobs surprised everyone by taking the stage and introducing the new iPad 2, which he claims is 33% thinner.  I don’t know about the iPad, but Steve Jobs definitely looks at least 33% thinner.

 

Telescope Plan Approved:  The State Board of Land and Natural Resources in Hawaii unanimously approved the plan that moved a step closer to the construction of the world’s largest telescope on the summit of Mauna Kea.  There was a moment of controversy, however, after astronomers admitted that the telescope probably won’t be used all that much to view the cosmos, but more to check out cute girls sunbathing in revealing bikinis down on the coast.

 

Organ Transplants:  The nation’s organ-transplant network is considering giving younger, healthier people preference over older, sicker patients for the best kidneys.  Not to be forgotten, older patients will be given a free coloring book entitled “I Am Billy’s Kidney.”

 

Tell-All Memoir:  Following a bizarre week of outrageous radio rants to various talk show hosts and the cancellation of the remainder of the current season of his hit CBS show, “Two and a Half Men,” Charlie Sheen has announced plans to pen a “tell-all” memoir.  No Kidding?  My question is how does someone who’s basically been in a blackout for the last 25 years write a memoir?

 

Myspace for Sale:  News Corp. said it was exploring a sale or other “strategic options” for Myspace, the ailing social network which has been eclipsed by Facebook.  Its funny, because my girlfriend just told me “I need my space” and I said “what for, everyone’s on Facebook now!”

 

Most Conservative State:  A Gallup survey of Americans’ political beliefs found that the greatest concentration of conservatives can be found in the state Mississippi.”  In a related study, Gallup found that the largest concentration of ass-holes can usually to be found on the San Diego Freeway weekdays, between the hours of 4 and 6 PM.

 

Vinyl Sales Increasing Again:  According to recent Nielsen SoundScan numbers, vinyl was the fastest-growing musical format in 2010, with 2.8 million units sold, the format’s best year since 1991.  Industry spokesmen do caution, however, that its probably not a great idea to listen to albums recorded on vinyl while jogging.

 

Blames al Qaeda:  Embattled Libyan leader Muammar Gaddafi is claiming that al Qaeda is behind the protests in Libya that have threatened to unseat him and is warning parents that they’ve recruited teenagers by drugging them with “hallucinogenic pills in their Nescafe coffee and milk.”  The way I look at it, any country who’s economy hasn’t advanced beyond drinking Nescafe, would probably be much better off with its leaders overthrown.    

 

Ban on Shariah Law:  The Tennessee Legislature has introduced a bill which would jail anyone caught following Shariah Law which includes practices such as prayers and feet washing.  Legislators warn that if this feet washing thing were to catch on here in Tennessee, next thing you know we might be expected to start brushing our teeth and washing behind our ears.

 

Cost of Solar Storms:  Scientists estimate that the financial cost of a big geomagnetic storm emanating from the sun could be as high as $2 trillion.  I’m kind of curious.  Does anyone know if that’s per person?

 

Anti-Laser:  Scientists at Yale University say they have successfully development the world’s first “anti-laser,” a device that can absorb and cancel out a laser beam.  Researchers say the device could one day be instrumental in assisting aging starlets ward off doctors pushing unwanted laser rejuvenation surgery.

 

Sets Record:  A 95-year-old woman has set a world record for her age group, running 60 meters in 29.86 seconds.  I’m very happy for her, but let’s get real here.  At age 95, just about any activity you do from bending over to simply breathing in and out without assistance, is most-likely gonna be set some kind of record. 

 

Studying Aging:  The director of the National Institute of Aging expressed concern that demands to cut governments budgets will hamper a broad range of research currently being conducted such as a recent study that dramatically expanded the life-expectancy of rats.  Come on, how much research do you need to do that?  Just keep them away from cats and pest control exterminators.

 

Solar Storms:  A geomagnetic space storm sparked by a solar eruption like the one that flared toward earth is bound to strike again and could wreak havoc across the gadget-happy modern world, experts say.  Could happen.  I’m old enough to remember all those old solar singers from Motown like Aretha Franklin and Marvin Gaye and how they took the country by storm.

 

Hippo Yawn:  Scientists say that a hippo’s yawn is actually a threatening gesture, displaying long, thick, razor-sharp canine teeth with which it is capable of biting a small boat in half!  Wow!  Sounds an awful lot like an of an old girlfriend I had back in the 90’s.

 

Two Suns:  The red supergiant star Betelgeuse is getting ready to go supernova, and when it does the explosion will be so bright that earth will briefly seem to have two suns in the sky.  Some astronomers expressed concern that appearing to have two suns could make us look rather self-indulgent in a era when so many other galaxies are forced to make deep cutbacks. 

 

Wrong Patient:  USC University Hospital has halted its kidney transplants after a kidney was recently transplanted into the wrong patient.  The man who received the erroneous transplant was heard to cry out in disbelief “you’ve gotta be kidneying me?”

 

Same-sex Marriage:  Barbara Bush, one of the twin daughters of former President George W Bush, has endorsed same-sex marriage in New York state, setting up a high-profile split with her father on the issue.  Perhaps even more shocking, she then announced plans to marry her twin sister.

 

Not a stroke:  Doctors say that TV reporter Serene Branson’s gibberish on Grammy Night was not a stroke, but a complex migraine whose symptoms often mimic a stroke.  Ironically, I too recently had an incident where I was speaking a nothing but gibberish.  My doctors also determined that it was not a stroke, but unlike Serene Branson, they seemed to feel that my symptoms were more like that of someone who had just polished off a fifth and a half of Jack Daniels.

 

Unemployed Need Not Apply:  The Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC) is investigating whether some companies are weeding out job applicants just because they are unemployed?  Makes good sense.  What’s the point of hiring someone who actually needs a job? 

 

Reporter OK:  Los Angeles television station KCBS reports that veteran TV reporter Serene Branson is feeling fine a few days after she lapsed into incomprehensible speech during a live shot outside the Grammys.  On a positive note, she’s just been offered a job co-hosting the Glenn Beck Show over at Fox News Channel. 

Importance of Breaks:  A new study that finds that people who sit for extended periods of time without taking short breaks are at higher risk for heart disease than those who take more frequent timeouts to stand up and walk around.  Guess I’m not in any danger then.  I’ve basically been on break since the mid-90’s.

 

Not Born Here:  According to Public Policy Polling, a whopping 51% of Republican voters believe that President Obama was not born in the U.S, with another 21% not quite sure.  When asked how sure they are that Obama is foreign-born, most Republicans smugly respond that they’re every bit as certain of that as they are that the world is 6000-years-old.

 

Grandmother Gives Birth:  A 61-year-old woman who carried a baby to term for her infertile daughter, has given birth to her own grandson.  When asked how he felt about his baby daughter, the infertile daughter’s husband said “he felt happy as a mother f # $ % er.” 

 

Sexy Anchors:  Researchers at Indiana University say men have more difficulty remembering information from news programs when it is presented to them by attractive women.  In related news, several Middle Eastern governments have announced that they will immediately begin employing attractive female anchors on state-run television. 

 

Dozens Reported Ill:  Hugh Hefner’s Playboy Mansion is being investigated by the Los Angeles County Department of Public Health after at least 80 people reported becoming sick after attending a fundraiser and party there earlier this month.  Health officials are investigating reports that the sick attendees may have accidentally caught a glimpse of Hugh Hefner naked.

 

Tight-Lipped:  Even though Facebook played a significant role in the revolts that toppled governments in Tunisia and Egypt, company officials are reluctant to discuss the matter with the press.  In retrospect, some news organizations admitted that they probably would have had better luck getting a response had they actually contacted Facebook rather than Jesse Eisenberg.

 

Destroyed Family:  Billy Ray Cyrus says his daughter Miley Cyrus’ massive success as Disney darling Hannah Montana led to the destruction of his personal life and family.  I see his point.  I only watched the show once and lost nearly 20 points off my IQ score.

 

Guns in Church:  Rev. Jonathan Wilkins says members of his Baptist church in Thomaston, Ga. should have the right to carry guns into worship services to protect the congregation, challenging a new state law that prohibits weapons in houses of worship.  I see his point.  You never know when some of those wacky Methodists or Episcopalians might walk through the door and who knows what could transpire were they to find the congregation unarmed.

 

Fighting Restrictions:  As sales to developing nations become ever more important to giant tobacco companies, they are stepping up efforts around the world to fight tough restrictions on the marketing of cigarettes.  I always wondered what people who work for cigarette companies do when they go on break.  Would they take a “work breaks?”

 

Actress Honored:  Actress Sally Field was recently honored at her high school alma mater with an auditorium being named in her honor.  Who could have ever imagined that those Boniva commercials would have such an impact?    

 

Baby Carrots:  Baby carrot farmers are launching a campaign that promotes them as “daring, fun, crunchy snacks that are a little naughty, just like junk food.”  So that’s how they get baby carrots, when big carrots act naughty?

 

Tubeless Toilet Paper:  The toilet paper roll is about to undergo its biggest change in 100 years by going tubeless.  Now what’s my cat supposed to chase?

 

No to Body Scans:  Pilot unions are telling pilots to avoid body scanners at airport security checkpoints.  Union officials say the scanners have been in service for a long time which would no longer make them a “pilot program.”

 

Advice for Pedophiles:  Advice for Pedophiles:  Amazon is selling a self-published guide that offers advice to pedophiles that is generated outrage and threats of boycotting the retailer.  Meanwhile, the Vatican is denying that it had anything to do with publishing the book, but added that “even if we did, we would make certain anyone involved would go into treatment.”  When asked what the majority of their members are saying about the book, a spokesperson for the North American Man/Boy Love Association (NAMBLA) responded “oh boy, oh boy!”

 

Best Givers:  A recent study says that New Zealand and Australia are tied for the number one position when it comes to charitable giving.  Come on, we Americans are givers.  Why no one even comes close to America’s willingness to give advice about how everyone else should live.  

 

Beak Deformities:  Federal scientists say they are puzzled over the recent discovery of the highest rate of beak abnormalities ever recorded in wild bird populations in Alaska and the Northwest.  A group of concerned rappers who also happen to be skilled ornithologists, say they frequently visit the Northwest to monitor bird beak deformities, reveal similar findings in their cautionary report entitled “the beak be pure freak look bleak as we speak,” a treatise certain to raise eyebrows in the environmental movement. 

 

Montana Statehood:  This month marks the 121st anniversary of Montana being admitted to the Union.  The move to statehood was quite an expensive transaction from which we still see Billings to this day.  

 

 

Iris Scanning:  The Homeland Security Department plans to test futuristic iris scan technology that stores digital images of people’s eyes in a database and is considered a quicker alternative to fingerprints.  Saudi Arabia may have to do the same because if they keep up their current policy of cutting off the hands of convicted criminals, no one’s gonna have any fingers left print. 

 

For Sale:  A 45-year-old Florida grandmother has been arrested after trying to sell her newborn baby grandson.  Free-market, constitutional conservatives claim that the woman’s arrest is yet another example of the anti-business, anti-commerce climate created by the Obama Administration, pointing out that when this nation was founded, people were bought and sold every day.  State officials say they have not yet determined as to whether anyone buying Florida babies would be required to pay sales tax on a purchase of that nature.

 

 Declining Numbers:  The Obama Administration is considering taking drastic actions to prevent the spotted owl from becoming extinct, including shooting hundreds of its East Coast cousin – the barred owls – which have invaded its habitat.  No kidding?  I recently had some relatives from the East Coast out here visiting me.  How can I get in touch with the White House?

 

Gold Mining Makes Comeback:  Gold mining is making a big comeback again because of record gold prices, with long-abandoned California mines starting to look like profitable ventures again.  This is of course terrific news for me as I’m so heavily invested in red bandanas and pack-mules.

 

Returning to Acting:  After seven years in the California governor’s mansion, Arnold Schwarzenegger announced that he will to return to acting.  Ironically, when asked his plans after leaving office, Jerry Brown said he’ll most likely return to bodybuilding.

 

I’ll Have Toast:  Gabrielle Giffords has hit another milestone in her recovery at her rehabilitation facility in Houston when she made a verbal request for toast with her breakfast.  Perhaps even more surprising was her follow-up remark “and don’t burn it bitch.”

 

Social Status:  Sociologists report that kids intent on climbing the social ladder at school are more likely to bully fellow students.  I wouldn’t know.  When I was in school, I was so far down the social ladder that to call me “trailer trash” would have been considered an upgrade.

 

Keith Olbermann Not Welcome: News Corp. chairman Rupert Murdoch told reporters that he would not consider hiring the newly available Keith Olbermann, characterizing him as a “nut.”  That certainly makes sense.  You wouldn’t want a “nut” working for the same channel that employs Glenn Beck.  You’d risk losing all credibility. 

 

No Smoking:  New York City has implemented one of the nation’s toughest smoking bans which will include parks, beaches and even Times Square.  When asked if the new law is perhaps a tad too strict, city officials point out that “other despicable behaviors such as drinking, using drugs and public urinating are still fine just as long as you’re not smoking while you’re doing them.”

 

Diseased Bison:  Disease testing has begun in Yellowstone National Park on hundreds of bison rounded up and officials say that those found to be sick will be destroyed.  Park officials say that “its unfortunate, but what are we supposed to do, they have no health insurance?”

 

Her Trademark:  With a reality show and two books under her belt, Sarah Palin has become a one-woman industry, and now she’s seeking to protect her brand by trademarking her name.  I tried to trademark my name also, but they said “loser” was already taken.

 

Feminizing Men:  Health officials warn that the typical carb-laden Super Bowl snacks like pizza, nachos, chips, soda, and beer can feminize men by sacking their testosterone levels.  Researchers say they’ve observed scores of men start out Super Bowl Sunday munching tons of carbs, cheering their favorite team, only to find themselves an hour later switching the channel to Lifetime and watching some sappy romantic comedy with a big box of tissues nearby.

 

Weaken Cancer:  German researchers suggest cancer cells grow weaker under simulated spaceflight conditions.  And that’s why you’ll almost never find a cancer cell telling nearby cells “I need my space.”

 

Exonerated:  Pope Benedict XVI has made a sweeping exoneration of the Jewish people for the death of Jesus Christ, tackling one of the most controversial issues in Christianity.  In a rather unusual moment, the Pope closed the ceremony by grabbing a microphone and asking “did you get that Mel Gibson?”

 

Concussion Testing:  Researchers say a vision test that can be administered in only a minute on the sidelines could be an effective tool to detect concussions in the NFL.  The test consists of simply showing the injured player pictures of Kim Kardashian and Ben Roethlisberger and asking them who they think is hotter.  If they respond Roethlisberger, the player is immediately administered to by a team televangelist who will advise them not to attempt joining the military until their wounds are properly treated.  

 

Loved by His People:  In an interview with Christiane Amanpour, a nearly incoherent Moammar Gadhafi said that he is basking in the warm embrace of his country.  I know the feeling.  I’m currently basking in the warm embrace of the IRS.

 

Red Bull Defense:  A man accused of murdering his father claims drinking Red Bull pushed him over the edge.  Of course, prosecutors think its all just “a bunch of bull.”

 

Cheery Outlook Healthy:  New research suggests that heart patients with a cheery outlook are more likely to be healthier down the road.  No problem, I mean who wouldn’t have a cheery outlook after having a heart attack? 

 

3-D Porn Channel:  Penthouse magazine has announced it will soon be launching the first 3-D porn channel.  Great, something else for Charlie Sheen to blow his money on.  Penthouse is calling the channel “Triple D in 3-D.”

 

Environmental Movement is Wrong:  Evangelical radio minister John MacArthur claims that the environmental movement is wrong to try to preserve the planet forever because “the Lord is going to destroy it.”  If that’s correct, I guess its pretty safe to assume that the Lord works for BP.

 

Not the Best Hunter:  U.S. paleontologists say that the tyrannosaurus rex, long held as the “top dog” predator of Earth’s dinosaur period, was actually more an opportunistic feeder than a top hunter.  As an example, Paleontologists say tyrannosaurus was more in a league with a Sarah Palin hunting wolves from a helicopter than a Davy Crockett killing a 2000-pound grizzly with a Bowie knife.

 

Women in Combat:  A military advisory commission is recommending that the Pentagon do away with a policy that bans women from serving in combat units, breathing new life into a long-simmering debate.  Oh great!  And when she asks a fellow soldier if her butt looks too big in her combat fatigues and he answers incorrectly, now she’ll be armed.

 

Control the Flow:  In an encouraging sign for severely obese women who suffer from incontinence, a new Australian study says that many do gain control over urination after undergoing gastric-band weight-loss surgery.  That’s wonderful news, because let’s face it folks, I’m pretty sure that there aren’t that many things which could be considered “encouraging signs” going on for severely obese women who suffer from incontinence.  

 

Booth Models Back:  In another sign that the economy is improving, the consumer Electronics Show at the Las Vegas Convention Center saw the return of “booth models,” the eye-catching young women who greet people at the displays.  When the girls were asked what they liked most about being a “booth model”, most responded “not having to deal with Charlie Sheen when he’s drunk.”

 

Ancient Winery:  A UCLA-led team has discovered a 6000-year-old winery in an Armenian cave.  For those who may be interested, Trader Joe’s announced that they will begin selling the wine for $3.99 a bottle later this week.

 

Spoiled Beef:  The US Department of Agriculture is ordering a recall of 200,000 pounds of ground beef because it was discolored and had an unusual smell.  Officials say they had no choice but to recall the beef, adding that this stuff looked and smelled worse than Charlie Sheen after a three day drunk.

 

Whooping Cough Returns:  CDC officials say there were more than 21,000 cases of whopping cough last year, which makes it among the worst years in more than 50 years.  Fortunately, the cough was confined to a flock of whooping cranes who were then treated with Vick’s Whooping Cough Medicine (Crane Formula).

 

Trapped in Snow:  A Washington couple who were trapped for four days in the snow on a secluded, forest road near Mount St. Helens with only jelly beans to eat and snow for water, admitted there was a point when they were feeling a bit dark about their plight.  I imagine that that “dark point” is the moment when you become so hungry your spouse begins to transition from being your dinner date to actually becoming your dinner.

 

Cutting Costs:  The Toledo School District has eliminated highschool cross-country, wrestling, golf, boy’s tennis along with all intramural activities in a massive budget cutting move.  Good grief, about the only activity left for kids participation is the Future Crack Ho’s of America squad.

 

Male Purses:  The LA Times reports that in China, males carry purses as a prestige symbol.  Guess that explains why the birth rate has been dropping in China.

 

Biodegradable Shoes:  A pair of Dutch entrepreneurs have created a fully biodegradable shoe that will sprout flowers when planted at the end of their life.  I’m all for taking good care of the environment and recycling, but it makes me a little sad to think that my trusty, old, comfortable, favorite pair of shoes will one day be pushing up daisies.

 

Treatments Expanded:  In a controversial move, the FDA has approved the marketing of “Lap-Band weight-loss surgery” to those who are far less obese than current Lap-Band patients.  In a move perhaps even more controversial, they then approved a new procedure called “Lap-Dance surgery” for guys who no longer appreciate a great lap-dance like they used to.

 

Made It All Up:  The Iraqi defector whom U.S. intelligence used to prove that Iraq had a weapons of mass destruction program admits that he simply invented the entire story.  I’ve always admired inventors, and thank goodness for the Bush Administration who were instrumental in assisting this and other inventors in turning their inventions into lucrative, cash enterprises.

 

Gun Show:  Weeks after the shootings in Tucson, New York City sent undercover officers to an Arizona gun show and found instances in which private sellers sold semiautomatic pistols to people even after the buyers indicated that they probably could not pass background checks.  While perhaps not able to pass background checks, all the buyers were pretty sure they’d have no difficulty passing bad checks.

 

New Endorsement:  Michael Vick has signed his first endorsement contract since his release from prison, inking a two-year contract with Unequal Technologies, a provider of the football pads Vick wore most of last season.  I personally think the guy would make a better spokesperson for padded cells, but that’s just me.

 

Rare Monk Seal:  Scientists say they’ve discovered a colony of rare Mediterranean monk seals, the world’s most endangered seals, at a secret location on the coast of Greece.  Researchers say the seal’s location might never been come to light if one of their colleagues hadn’t had the same travel agent.

 

Steering Problems:  Mercedes-Benz is recalling 85,000 cars because of a steering problem.  When asked if the public should be concerned, a Mercedes spokesperson was quick to point out that these cars are still a perfect example of Mercedes quality, other than the fact you can’t steer them. 

 

Ocean Census:  An international effort to create a census of ocean marine life has just been completed, increasing the number of validated marine species to 201,206.  Demographers point out that in the past, we’ve had incidents of census workers being verbally abused, beaten and assaulted, but this is the first time in memory we’ve had them eaten. 

 

Influence Weather:  After studying data collected from a large windfarm in Palm Springs, a new study published in the National Academy of sciences confirmed that large wind farms can influence local air temperatures as well as local weather in general.  A related study found that large “windbags” such as Glenn Beck, Bill O’Reilly and Rush Limbaugh can influence the outcome of elections.

 

Guns in Bars:  Gun rights advocates applauded Tennessee and three other states that recently enacted laws allowing loaded guns in bars.  Sounds good to me.  Loaded guns in the hands of people who are totally loaded.  Hard to imagine anything more comforting than that.  After all, what could possibly go wrong?

 

Volcanos on Venus:  Scientists, after reviewing recent data, are describing the volcanos on Venus as “young and hot.”  Now I realize that being a volcanologist can be a somewhat lonely profession, but that’s when you know you’ve been in the field a bit too long when you start thinking of volcanos as being “young and hot.” 

 

Bat Disease:  Scientists say they may have finally found some ways to help the nation’s bats, which are being wiped out by a novel fungal disease.  I hope it works.  I sense that the fate of the entire game of professional baseball is dependent on a cure. 

 

Toll Free Number:  The American Cancer society has been promoting their informational hotline which is “dial 1 800-4-Cancer.”  Now who would ever wanna risk dialing a number like that?  

 

Trafficking:  Activists across the country are pushing for a crackdown on child sex trafficking.  I couldn’t agree more!  Traffic is such a major problem in our big cities and unfortunately, this is an issue that I don’t believe can be resolved by encouraging the traffickers to use more public transportation.   

 

Pom Not Quite So Wonderful:  Federal regulators say that Pom Wonderful, the pricey and popular pomegranate juice sold in the distinctly curvaceous bottle, is guilty of deceptive advertising with its claims that drinking the juice reduces the risk of heart disease, prostate cancer and impotance.  Turns out that the only thing that Pom Wonderful is actually effective in reducing is your bank account.

 

All Natural:  Ice cream maker Ben & Jerry’s is dropping the phrase “all natural” from their labels after a request from the health advocacy group the Center for Science in the Public Interest.  In the spirit of compromise, employees working for the Center for the Center for Science in the Public Interest promised they would never expose themselves to elderly ladies on public sidewalks in Glendale, California. 

 

Personal Transportation:  Jimi Heselden, owner of the personal transportation vehicle maker Segway, died when he accidentally rode his Segway over a cliff and into a river.  I have to assume that this isn’t exactly the best publicity for the company’s image.  Although, with the right spin, perhaps they could turn this into a positive such as “riding a Segway can take you into another world.”

 

Swims English Channel:  A Frenchman whose arms and legs were amputated back in the 90’s has swam across the English channel using leg prostheses that have flippers attached.  Boy, is this guy gonna be a big disappointment to some hungry sharks. 

 

Feeling the Heat:  Queen Elizabeth II got a bit of a disappointment when she was turned down after applying for help with her Buckingham Palace heating bills from a fund intended to provide subsidized heat for low-income Britons.  Guess she’ll be chopping wood this winter.

 

Doesn’t Like Pat Downs:  Former Minnesota Gov. Jesse Ventura is suing the Department of Homeland Security and the Transportation Security Administration claiming that the TSA and DHS have humiliated him with “unreasonable intrusions.”  Wait a minute, the guy was a professional wrestler.  Wasn’t his whole career based on “unreasonable physical intrusions?”

 

Car Pools:  The US Census Bureau reports that carpooling has dropped by almost 50% since 1980.  Maybe that’s because carpooling no longer makes census. 

 

Continental Drift:  Jack Oliver, the man who proved the theory of continental drift, that the earth’s crust is slowly shifting and moving, has died at age 87.  Although he was buried in the family plot in Ithaca, New York, colleagues were quick to point out that after three million years his grave will most likely be located somewhere just east of Tucson.

 

Drug Sales:  Financial analysts say that antipsychotic drugs are now the top-selling pharmaceuticals in America.  Funny how times change from say back in the 60’s when everyone was taking drugs trying to hallucinate.

 

 

 

 

  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Man Chokes to Death on Airplane:  A woman flying from Singapore to New Zealand sat beside her dead boyfriend’s body for nine hours after he choked to death on his in-flight meal.  Wow, that a long time to be sitting next to a dead person.  Let’s hope they at least had a decent in-flight movie so she wasn’t totally bored to death.

 

Laser Headlights:  BMW is experimenting with laser headlights that are 1,000 times brighter than conventional headlights.  BMW claims the technology has two distinct advantages 1) you’ll be able to see the road much better and 2) you’ll have the power to completely vaporize anyone who cuts you off.

 

Water on Mars:  NASA is claiming that the Mars Rover has once again discovered more evidence of water on the red planet.  I didn’t even realize that the Mars Rover needed to drink water.

 

Tourist Bitten in Half:  A young tourist riding on a bodyboard has been bitten in half by what is believed to be a great white shark off a beach near Cape Naturaliste in western Australia.  Distraught companions say its perhaps better he didn’t survive because had he lived, he’d have been only half the man he used to be.

 

Job Interview Mistakes:  A survey of hiring managers ranks answering a cellphone call or returning a text message as the most common mistakes made during an interview.  The study also determined that telling an interviewer “pardon me, I should take this, its my drug dealer” is almost never acceptable unless one is applying for work at a crack house.

 

Gender Differences on Regrets:  A new study asking people about their primary regrets in life found that men were more likely to mention a work regret, whereas women were more likely to mention a regret related to love.  After that came recovered workaholics, who regret having fallen in love with their work.

 

Economic Advantage of Being Attractive:  According to new research, good-looking workers on average earn a total of $230,000 more than those with below-average looks.  Economists say the only plausible way to rectify this inequality would be to ask attractive workers to loan some of that $230,000 to their ugly co-workers to help pay for beauty enhancements such as makeovers and plastic surgery.

 

Opposed to Bono’s DWTS Appearance:  Christian activists are very angry that Chaz Bono will be competing on ”Dancing with the Stars” this season, calling Bono’s appearance “completely unacceptable,” and insisting that “Christians should not watch the show.”  I don’t see why this is such a big deal.  I mean, people who are offended could just cut out all of Chaz Bono’s parts – although something tells me someone may have already done that. 

 

JCPenny Withdraws T-shirts:  JCPenney has agreed to pull a controversial girls’ T-shirt for sale on its website that says “I’m too pretty to do homework so my brother has to do it for me.”  JCPenny say they realized that the t-shirts were sending out the wrong message after it became obvious that a lot of girls who weren’t really all that pretty were buying them and wearing them out in public. 

 

Grizzly Killings:  Authorities have confirmed that a Yellowstone National Park hiker whose body was found last week was mauled and killed by a grizzly bear.  Officials say they knew right away the hiker was killed by a bear because it was such a “grizzly scene.” 

 

No Star-Spangled Banner:  Indiana’s Goshen College is causing quite a controversy after it decided to play “America the Beautiful” prior to sporting events instead of the “Star-Spangled Banner” because the lyrics better fit the pacifist ideals of the Mennonite campus.”  I can see where it would be inappropriate for a school with pacifist ideals to play a battle hymn like that before their team is about to go out and try to knock the living hell out of their opponents on the playing field.

 

ID Scanners Come to Bars:  Privacy advocates are concerned that a growing number of bars nationwide are subscribing to a new shared ID scanner network which alerts bar staff that someone is a troublemaker and should be bounced from the bar before they start any problems.  And that’s precisely why I’m choosing to do most of my heavy drinking outside 7-Eleven’s these days.

 

Paid No Taxes:  The IRS is reporting that 1,470 millionaires paid no federal income taxes in 2009.  Fortunately, they used the money they would have paid in taxes to create jobs.  Unfortunately, all of those jobs were located in India and China. 

 

To The Dogs:  A recent survey indicates that an estimated million dogs in the United States have been named as the primary beneficiaries in their owner’s will.  Sociologists fear that if dogs continue inheriting all the money while the general economy remains in the tubes, it can’t be long before humans will be the ones fetching most of the newspapers and frisbees. 

 

Actor Urinates on Plane:  After being told that he had to wait to use the toilet until after takeoff while on a flight that was delayed on the tarmac, an inebriated French actor Gérard Depardieu responded by urinating in the cabin in front of his fellow passengers.  Astonished passengers, crew as well as Depardieu’s urologist are all describing this as perhaps his most powerful performance ever. 

 

Extends Life:  Researchers found they can extend the life of obese mice by 44% using a drug that mimics resveratrol, the ingredient of red wine believed to activate protective proteins.  Which of course brings up the question of just how many obese mice have to die before we start getting this resveratrol to them? 

 

Suicide Novel:  A 35-year-old man who recently took his own life on the Havard campus left behind a 1904 page suicide note.  When asked if its known why the man killed himself, authorities say they’re not totally sure, but they’re reasonably  certain it wasn’t because he had writers block.                                                                                                                             

 

Bachmann on the Soviet Threat:  Even though the Soviet Union broke up into 15 separate republics over 20 years ago, GOP presidential hopeful Michele Bachmann said that many Americans “fear the rise of the Soviet Union” during an appearance on a conservative radio talk show.  Of course, many those same Americans that Bachmann is referring to also report feeling threatened by the Ottoman Empire, Mesopotamia and the Ming Dynasty.

 

Moon May Be Younger Than Once Thought:  The mysteries of the moon’s origins just got stranger, with a new study suggesting that the moon may be younger than previously thought.  Either that or the man in the moon secretly had a face lift.

 

Letterman Targeted by al-Qaeda: An al-Qaeda message board is calling on U.S. Muslims to cut out David Letterman’s tongue and break his neck after the late-night host made a joke about terrorists. I must admit that I’m a little surprised at al-Qaeda’s negative reaction. After all, its hard to imagine anyone who has a better sense of humor or who loves to laugh and poke fun at themselves than a Muslim extremist.

 

Brain-Eating Amoeba:  A parasite known as the “brain-eating amoeba,” usually found in warm, stagnant freshwater lakes and ponds which enters the body through the nasal passages, has claimed its second young American victim this month.  Medical professionals are urging anyone who suspects that they may be infected by the parasite to kill themselves.

 

Group Protests Eating Dogs:  A San Francisco-based animal rights organization is staging a protest in front of the South Korean consulate, where it will be delivering a petition with over 15,000 signatures urging the South Korean government to do more to stop the consumption of dogs inside of its borders.  South Korean authorities say its totally hypocritical to single out South Koreans while nothing is ever said about the tens of thousands of “Dodger Dogs” consumed every season at LA’s Dodger Stadium.

 

Stranded In a Cable Car:  A helicopter was finally able to rescue the conductor and 19 passengers stranded 260 feet in the air for nearly 18 hours in a cable car on southern Germany’s Mount Tegelberg.  When asked about their ordeal, many of the weary passengers felt they were owed some answers as to why a “cable car” would not be equipped with cable.

 

Bat Found on Delta Flight:  The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) wants to test passengers on a Delta flight to Atlanta for rabies after a bat, who had stowed away onboard, started flying around the cabin.  I think the CDC is overreacting a bit.  It just seems very unlikely that any passengers could have given the bat rabies.

 

Orange Juice Labels: Bought a carton of orange juice that claimed it was basically “pulp free.” When I poured the OJ into a glass, pulp poured out just as always. I’m thinking what the hell is this, pulp fiction?

 

Statue of Liberty to Get Makeover:  The Statue of Liberty will celebrate her 125th birthday in October with all the fanfare befitting such a grande dame, and then will close to the public for a year while the National Park Service does a $27.25 million makeover.  The agency defended spending the money by pointing out that $27.5 million is significantly less than it would cost to give someone like Roseanne Barr a decent makeover and Roseanne as of yet hasn’t even been designated a national landmark.

 

Solar Storms Decline:  Scientists say we are entering a period where sunspots are disappearing and the sun will have fewer solar storms.  Researchers say that with solar storms in decline, the sun may finally get a chance to get a little sun.   

 

Rare Parrots Seized:  Philippine authorities have seized a specimen of one of the world’s rarest parrots after being tipped off that a suspecious boat was involved in illegal wildlife trading.  Authorities wouldn’t elaborate on the details of the investigation, but did say that the say the parrots are apparently willing to talk.

 

Genetics and Intelligence:  Researchers say that tests are now showing that up to 50% of human intelligence can be traced to a person’s genetic makeup.  Ironically, the other 50% appears to be coming directly from the answer sheets of the people sitting next to in the testing room.

 

Man Shoots Own Penis:  Police are urging holster use after a Chandler, Ariz. man shot himself in the penis while trying to secure his girlfriend’s pink handgun in the front waistband of his pants.  Sounds like a powerful pairing of the forces of both birth control and gun control.

 

Clerk Won’t Grant Marriage Licenses: A twice-elected Republican official in the rural New York town of Barker has quit her job as city clerk after refusing to grant same-sex marriage licenses, claiming she is being unfairly forced to choose between her job and her God.  To make matters worse for the poor woman, her Republican God also seems to be vehemently opposed to anyone collecting unemployment benefits.

 

Universe in a Bubble:  British physicists say they now very close to having the ability to test a theory that claims our universe is contained inside a giant bubble, just one of multiple bubble universes in a “multiverse.”  Scientists say the tests will have to be run with extreme caution, because they don’t want to burst anyone’s bubble.  

 

Smoking Risk: New research shows that cigarette smokers have a 68% higher risk of impotence. Now we know why people smoke after they have sex.

 

Foul Oder in San Francisco:  People who live in the city of San Francisco are complaining about a foul odor that seems to be emanating from the city’s sewers.  In response to complaints, city officials told residents that smelly sewers wouldn’t even be an issue if they’d just take their minds out of the gutters.

 

New Moon Formation Theory:  A new theory in astronomy claims that our Earth once had two moons and the smaller one smashed into the other, resulting in a single, bulked-up and slightly lopsided moon.  Scientists say this is solid evidence that even celestial objects have to deal with crazy drivers.

 

Brain’s Gambling Area Found:  Caltech researchers say they have discovered the exact location in a human brain that influences a gambler’s belief that a payoff is “due,” known as the so-called “gambler’s fallacy.”  The research team plans to present their findings at their annual conference held in Las Vegas next month.  In related news, Pete Rose categorically denies betting on the outcome of the study.

 

More Than Donuts:  A 29-year-old woman working the night shift at Dunkin Donuts faces prostitution charges for allegedly taking breaks from selling donuts and coffee to provide sexual services in exchange for money.  Probably not the smartest career move considering most of your customers are gonna be cops.

 

Breast Implants Don’t Last for Life:  U.S. health regulators are cautioning women who get silicone breast implants that they are likely to need additional surgery within eight to 10 years to address complications such as a rupture of the device.  Doctors advise those considering breast implants to be sure to get the extended warranty.

 

Women Dying Younger:  New data indicate that women in large swaths of the US are dying younger than they did a generation ago, underscoring the rising toll of smoking and obesity.  In response, medical professionals are urging anyone who may happen come in contact with an obese woman not to offer her cigarettes.

 

One In Three Workers Don’t Like Their Jobs:  Nearly one in three U.S. workers surveyed, or 32%, said that they were seriously considering leaving their jobs.  At which point they would then transition to being seriously unemployed.

 

Reporter Shot with BB Gun:  Leanne Suter, a reporter for KABC-TV 7 in Los Angeles, was shot in the hand by a pellet from a BB gun while in the process of giving a live news report.  Suter’s angry film crew says their only question for the shooter is, if you’re thinking about shooting someone in the hand, then why not use a “hand gun?”

 

Humans Forced Out Neanderthals: A study of French archaeological sites suggests that a swell of modern humans crowded out Neanderthals in Europe by nearly ten to one, forcing their extinction 40,000 years ago.  This, of course, is in contrast to the LA freeway system, where almost everyday we find the humans continually being forced out by all the Neanderthals driving their souped-up, four-wheel drives at speeds well above the numbers they typically score on IQ tests. 

 

Apple’s Cash Reserves at Record Levels:  Apple, the world’s largest technology company, now has more cash on hand than the United States government.  In related news, congressional Democrats and Republicans just announced an historic agreement to end the debt crises by converting the Capitol Building into an Apple Store.

 

Quarters Stolen:  A Lima, Ohio woman has been arrested for stealing two rolls of quarters from a convenience store which she claimed she needed in order to do her laundry.  Police arrested her on suspicion of money laundering.

 

Fake Apple Stores:  China has long been known for producing counterfeit consumer gadgets, software and brand name clothing, but now they appear to have reached an entirely new piracy milestone — entire Apple stores being faked.  Customers say they began to suspect that something was amiss after approaching the “Genius Bar” and being informed by the bartender that its happy hour prices on all draft beer and well drinks. 

 

Winehouse Autopsy Inconclusive:  An autopsy on singer Amy Winehouse failed to determine what killed the 27-year-old star and her rep is claiming that no sign of drugs or other contraband was found in her home.  The coroner’s office did raise some eyebrows, however, after indicating they are leaning toward old age as the cause of death.

 

Massive Water Reservoir Found:  Astronomers have discovered a reservoir containing 140 trillion times the amount of water in all the Earth’s oceans circling around a distant quasar, making it the largest mass of water ever detected in the universe.  Cosmopolitan Magazine is reporting that many women are expressing surprise to learn that even massive stars in distant galaxies have to deal with water retention.

 

Sex Between Neanderthals and Humans:  A new DNA analyses indicates that Neanderthals may have passed on a DNA fragment, found in the human X chromosome to humans, indicating a strong likelihood that humans did in fact have sex with Neanderthals.  Scientists say they are hopeful that this new research may one day help explain exactly what Maria Shriver could have possibly seen in Arnold Schwarzenegger.

 

Charlie Sheen Admits Steroid Use:  Sheen admits in the latest issue of “Sports Illustrated” that he used steroids in order to play fictional baseball player Ricky Vaughn in the 1994 comedy classic, Major League.  Makes you wonder what kind of prep he’d have done to play Liberace?  

 

Heat Wave Continues:  As the current heat wave continues to scorch the East Coast with triple-digit temperatures, local authorities in many communities are asking people to curtail strenuous activities.  With obesity rates in many of those communities at record levels, I suspect that curtailing strenuous activity is not gonna be considered a major inconvenience by many people.

 

Willie Nelson to Be Honored:  It has been announced that country legend and Farm Aid founder Willie Nelson will soon be inducted into the Agricultural Hall of Fame in Bonner Springs, Kansas.  When asked to comment, a DEA spokesperson said “we’re very familiar with Willie Nelson’s interest in “agriculture.”  

 

Levi Aron Attorney Quits:  According to the New York Daily News, one of the lawyers for Levi Aron, who is accused of murdering and dismembering an 8-year-old Brooklyn boy, has quit claiming that his conscience prevented him from going on.  Skeptics are claiming that money is the real issue, pointing out that if he really had a conscience, its doubtful that he would have become a lawyer in the first place. 

 

Breast-Feeding Doll Causes Uproar:  A Spanish company who makes the “Breast Milk Baby” doll is causing a bit of a stir after its maker announced plans to sell it in U.S. toy stores.  A disappointed company spokesperson admits that so far, its only been creepy, middle-aged guys who’ve expressed any interest in the dolls.

 

Bachmann Releases Note From Her Doctor:  Michele Bachmann has released a note from her doctor to address and ease concerns about her migraine condition, which the “Daily Caller” is claiming sometimes “incapacitate” her.  Opponents say they fear that if she became President and a situation arose where Joint Chiefs decided we need to go to war immediately, the Commander-in-Chief might say “not tonight, I have a headache.” 

 

New Planets Found:  A total of 10 new planets have been found by an international team of scientists, adding that one of these is orbiting a star that is just a few millions of years old.  Excited scientists are decribing the star as very young and extremely hot.

 

Lady Gaga on Sexual Enjoyment: Lady Gaga is making headlines after telling Howard Stern that she feels that women should wait as long as they can before having sex because women don’t even begin to enjoy sex until their mid-20s.” On the other hand, I’m not too sure I wanna know exactly what Lady Gaga thinks sexual enjoyment is.

 

Alabama Still Collecting Tax to Support Needy Civil War Vets:  Even though the last of the 60,000 Confederate veterans who came home to Alabama after the Civil War died generations ago, residents are still paying a tax that supported the neediest among them.  When asked how dead soldiers could possibly be considered “in need,” state officials said “ well, they need a life don’t they?”

 

Tiger’s Ex Moves On:  Tiger Woods’ ex-wife Elin Nordegren has reportedly moved on to a new relationship following his cheating scandal and is reportedly dating an investment executive.  An investment executive is a probably a pretty damn good choice for someone who’s gonna be raking in all the money she will from her divorce to Tiger.  

 

Sitcom Creator Dies:  Sherwood Schwartz, writer-creator of two of the best-remembered TV series of the 1960s and 1970s “The Brady Bunch,” and “Gilligan’s Island,” has died at age 94.  Friends say they’d prefer to think he’s just off on another three-hour tour.

 

Alpha Males Experience Greater Stress:  Studies of baboon troops in Kenya are proving that while Alpha males may hold power and attract plenty of females, life really isn’t all that easy because they also have extremely high levels of stress.  A fact I’m sure Arnold Schwarzenegger would most likely be in complete agreement with. 

 

FDA Cites Risk of Mesh Implant to Strengthen Vagina:  The FDA has issued an advisory cautioning women that a surgical mesh implant, used to strengthen vagina tissue, may become weakened over time.  The FDA added that the procedure is especially risky for women who’ve purchased the mesh from Home Depot and had it implanted by day-laborers. 

 

Man Murders Priest and Then Takes Family to Disney World:  Police say that a man who worked as a handyman at a Louisiana retreat home for priests, is accused of shooting a priest, robbing him and then stealing his car to drive his family to Disney World.  What a clever way to insure that the trip will be forever memorable for the kids. 

 

Bat Love:  Scientists have discovered that female Chinese fruit bats add oral sex in an attempt to get the males to prolong the act, suggesting the behavior confers evolutionary benefits.  I’m guessing that the benefits wouldn’t simply be limited to evolution. 

 

Able to Smile Again:  Doctors report 43 year-old man, who became Spain’s first face transplant as well as the first person to get both a new tongue and jaw, can now smile again.  We’ll see if he’s still smiling after he gets the medical bill.

 

Dust Storm Hits Phoenix: An enormous, 50-mile-wide dust storm has blown through Phoenix in a huge, gray wall sweeping across the city.  Panicked city officials have declared a “State of Emergency” and are pleading with FEMA to rush supplies of Endust to the city as quickly as possible. 

 

Betty Ford Dies:  Former First Lady Betty Ford, one of the co-founders of an addiction treatment center in California that bears her name, has died at the age of 93.  Sociologists point out that the “Betty Ford Center” changed the way we look at addiction as well as paving the way for newer facilities such as the “Casey Anthony Center,” which could very well profoundly alter the way we approach child-rearing.

 

Man Builds Electric Chair:  A man in Britain was arrested after building a homemade electric chair in his garage and attempting to electrocute his wife in it. When asked why he would ever want to electrocute his wife, the man said because his research indicated that its more humane than lethal injection.

 

Brett Favre Ponders NFL Return:  According to NFL.com analyst Gil Brandt, QB Brett Favre might be considering another comeback for a 21st NFL season.  Sources close to Favre claim it all comes down to whether playing again would mean he’d have to give up his favorite bingo night every Tuesday at the local senior center.

 

Kim Kardashian Feels Like Zoo Animal:  Kim Kardashian complains in the new issue of Cosmopolitan that she sometimes feels just like a zoo animal.  She’s got a good point.  Think about how many times you’ve walked past one of the cages and the animals were just humping away.

 

TSA Makes Cancer Patient Remove Adult Diaper:  A woman has accused the TSA of making her 95-year-old, cancer-stricken mother remove her adult diaper after finding that it was “wet and firm” as part of a security pat down in Florida.  When asked what a 95-year-old woman could be wearing that’s so dangerous, TSA officials say that “Depends.”

 

Artist Jackson Pollock Employed Physics:  According to research by physicists and mathematicians, artist Jackson Pollock was a master of the flow of fluids, relying on the laws of physics to turn his splashes, drips and drizzles into iconic, abstract creations.  No kidding?  My mom had an elderly aunt whom we called Aunt Flo, who also utilized the laws of physics to turn fluids into abstract creations, but it’d be a kind of a stretch to call that art.

 

AARP Radio Launched:  Last month AARP quietly introduced a free Internet radio service for listeners 50 and older.  Guess they launched the station “quietly” so as not to wake any of the 50 and older listeners up from their afternoon naps.

 

Gun Rights for the Mentally Ill:  Across the country, states are increasingly restoring the right to carry firearms to people who had previously lost that right due to a mental illness.  Lawmakers defended this action, pointing out that it would simply be unconscionable to leave our nation’s mentally ill defenseless against a better-equipped, well-armed imaginary enemy. 

 

Sony Hacked Yet Again:  Sony’s troubles with hackers seem never ending as reports are surfacing that Sony was hacked this week in Canada, Greece, Thailand and Indonesia.  In response, security analysts are now suggesting that Sony consider a using a password just a wee bit more secure than the 1-2-3-4 they’ve been using.

 

Seafood Mislabeling Fraud:  Scientists using gene sequencers at commercial seafood are discovering rampant labeling fraud of up to 25% in supermarket coolers and restaurant tables where of cheap fish are often substituted for expensive fillets.  Anyone who’s ever worked in the restaurant industry knows about cheap fish.  Waiters say you’re lucky if they tip 10%. 

 

Boomers Financial Woes:  A newly released survery of the nation’s baby boomers says that many are fearful that they will outlive their retirement savings.  Needless to say, I’m not worried.  I’ve already have outlived my savings. 

 

Facebook Profanity:  Social media monitoring service Reppler says that 47% of Facebook Walls contain profanity.  To which 95% of Facebook users respond “who gives a @#$%.” 

 

Antidepressants Treat Hot Flashes:  A new clinical trial shows that antidepressant medications appear to be an effective alternative for women whose lives are disrupted by frequent hot flashes.  Doctors say the beauty of using antidepressants is that even if they don’t get rid of your hot flashes, at least you won’t be depressed about it. 

 

E-Book Sales:  Amazon is reporting that it now sells more e-books than they do books in print.  And analysts report that companies who sell the Nook, Kindle and iPad are simply “elated.” 

 

The Cult of Apple:  The cult of Apple is real according to neuroscientists, who compared MRIs of Apple fans’ brains with people who call themselves “extremely religious” and found that Apple and religion light up the same part of the brain, meaning that Apple triggers the same feelings and reactions in people as religion.  Researchers say the only difference is that a religious experience from Apple can only be downloaded through the iTunes Store.

 

Speed Dating Group Shut Down:  The Los Angeles County Sheriff has closed down the offices of a popular speed dating organization after it was discovered that most of the clientèle were using methamphetamine.

 

Pulling Universe Apart:  Researchers say a new cutting-edge technique has confirmed the existence of the mysterious force of dark energy which is pulling the universe apart at ever-increasing speeds.  As an example, scientists point to the recent demise of Arnold’s and Maria Shriver’s marriage.

 

Rodent Species Surfaces:  Scientists were totally shocked after a red-crested tree rodent, long thought to be extinct, suddenly resurfaced after 113 years.  To everyone’s surprise, the rodent had not been holed-up in some underground cave or tunnel, but was actually living in a million-dollar compound located in an affluent suburb just outside of Islamabad, Pakistan.  

 

Armstrong Accused of Doping:  A former teammate of cyclist Lance Armstrong is claiming that he saw Armstrong inject himself with the banned performance-enhancing drug EPO many, many times.  Who am I to judge?  I routinely inject EPO myself most every time I decide to ride my bicycle to work.

 

Possible Parkinson’s Break-Through:  A team of researchers say stem cells have reversed Parkinson’s disease in rats.  This is tremendous news.  My mother had Parkinson’s, so as one might imagine, one of my biggest fears has always been that neighborhood rats would also be stricken with the disease.  This research puts all that to rest.

 

Coffee Reduces Prostate Cancer Risk:  A new study of nearly 50,000 American men found that those who drink six or more cups of coffee a day have a 20% reduced risk of dying from prostate cancer.  Doctors caution that while those who begin drinking six or more cups of coffee per day may reduce their cancer risk by 20%, there’s also about an 80% likelihood they’ll never, ever sleep again.

 

High Gas Prices Hurting Families:  A new USA TODAY/Gallup Poll finds that as gas prices hover near $4 a gallon, nearly eight in ten Americans say the high cost of fuel is causing financial hardship for their families.  The other 20% own oil company stock.

 

CNN Anchor Don Lemon Gay:  In his new memoir, Transparent, CNN anchor Don Lemon has come out and admitted he is gay.  Immediately following Lemon’s announcement, CNN Situation Room host Wolf Blitzer further surprised everyone by admitting that he was the Wolf who ate the Three Little Pigs.

 

Parakeets Overrun London:  Parakeets are overrunning the London suburbs, devouring seed from feeders, fighting with native birds, and possibly threatening crops.  Many feel that this is quite possibly the worst attack on London since WW II.  Civil defense officials are urging residents who are approached by parakeets demanding crackers not to comply. 

 

Best Food to Protect Vision:  New research shows that spinach is perhaps the best food around to help protect your vision from such diseases as macular degeneration and glaucoma.  Doctors caution, however, that too much spinach may lead to a condition known as “Popeye.”

 

Neanderthals Lingered in Russia:  A recent finding could indicate that the Neanderthals lingered in Russia 8,000 years longer than what was previously thought.  Anthropologists say the most likely explanation is that they must have gotten into some of the vodka.

 

John Demjanjuk Guilty:  A German court has found John Demjanjuk, a 91-year-old man who was extradited from Ohio in 2009, guilty on thousands of counts as acting as accessory to murder for his work during World War II as a Nazi death-camp guard.  After the trial ended, German officials promised they will not rest until all Ohioans are brought to justice. 

 

Baby Pat-Down:  A TSA screener in Kansas City is facing criticism for giving a pat-down to an 8-month-old baby.  Guess the baby was lucky it was the TSA’s and not LA County Sheriff’s deputies, who would have tasered the child and then justified it by claiming he was being uncooperative with officers.

 

Planets Spinning Backwards:  Scientists say they now have a new explanation for the mystery of why some extremely large, alien planets travel in the opposite direction of their parent star’s spin.  Researchers say the answer is most likely that God occasionally gets a bit rushed for time and will often hastily attempt to assemble the galaxies without even bothering to take a look at the set-up instructions that come inside the box. 

 

Bristol Palin Admits Facial Surgery:  After people noticed some drastic changes in Bristol Palin’s face, the 20 year old admitted to an operation, but claims it wasn’t plastic surgery, but simply “corrective jaw surgery.”  I don’t think the problem was so much about the shape of her jaw, but more about what was spewing out of it.

 

Rick Springfield Arrested:  Authorities say rock singer Rick Springfield, best-known for his 1981 hit “Jessie’s Girl,” was arrested on suspicion of drunken driving after officials stopped his 1963 Corvette in Malibu.  Now he’s wishing he had Jessie’s attorney. 

 

Last World War I Combat Veteran Dies:  The world’s last known combat veteran of World War I, Claude “Chuckles” Stanley Choules, has died in an Australian nursing home at the age of 110.  In a manner befitting his military status, family members report that Choules died after fighting valiantly over a nursing home bedpan.

 

Woman Survives Seven Weeks on Candy:  A Canadian woman survived for seven weeks on candy after her car became stranded in a remote section of Nevada, but her husband, who went for help, has not been seen since.  The woman told police that her husband took off feeling that if they were to survive for the long-term, he’d have to find someplace to buy more candy.

 

Aneurysm Risks:  New research suggests that if you have a brain aneurysm, drinking coffee, having sex or even getting angry may boost the risk of it rupturing.  So let me get this straight.  If I’m someone who happens to be at risk and my doctor insists I have to give up coffee and sex, I can’t even get angry about it?

 

Family Dog Killed by Bees:  A family dog in Torrance, California was killed after being attacked in the family’s yard by a swarm of bees.  The Humane Society is categorizing the incident as a “sting operation.”

 

Wakes Up With Irish Accent:  An Oregon woman who went to the dentist for oral surgery, woke up speaking with what sounds like an Irish accent, a disorder that is called “Foreign Accent Syndrome.”  In related news, aids are urging President Obama to do everything possible to avoid oral surgery. 

 

Florida Bans Baggy Pants and Bestiality:  The Florida legislature has passed legislation banning baggy pants in school as well as outlawing bestiality, after a man accidentally asphyxiated the family goat while having sex with the animal.  When asked why they were also banning the baggy pants, a key Florida legislator said the ban was necessary because too many people around here know that goats find baggy pants a real turn-on.

 

Albinos Killed to Cure AIDS:  A Canadian rights group is claiming that hundreds of albinos have been killed for black magic purposes in Tanzania because of a belief they offer a cure for AIDS.  The United Nations issued a statement cautioning that if this practice were to spread to other countries, it could result in worldwide albino shortages.

 

Honda Recall:  Honda is recalling an additional 833,000 vehicles because of a driver airbag that may deploy with too much pressure.  Honda warns this could be a huge problem, especially for those who’ve just eaten a big meal and are carrying other passengers in the car.   

 

Waist-Hip Ratio:  Mayo Clinic has released a study that says waist-hip ratio matters more than the BMI index for heart patients.  Mayo Clinic researchers added that while we were well aware of how important waist-hip ratio is for Playboy Bunnies and Penthouse Pets, we never expected to discover it had any importance for heart patients.

 

Elephant Eating Habits:  Zoologists say that elephants can drink 60 gallons of water per day and can feed for up to 16 hours a day.  Zoo keepers are quick to point out that not even Kirstie Alley can do that.

 

Mummified Remains Found:  Los Angeles County authorities are investigating whether the year-old mummified remains discovered in a Benedict Canyon home are those of actress Yvette Vickers, who starred in the 1950s cult horror movies “Attack of the 50 Foot Woman” and “Attack of the Giant Leeches.”  Sources familiar with the investigation say its really too bad she’s dead, because something like this could go a long way to help revive a horror film career.

 

Camilla Breaks Leg:  A Clarence House spokeswoman confirmed that Camilla, the wife of Prince Charles, has broken her left leg after she slipped while hiking in Scotland.  No one is certain exactly what led to the accident, but royal watchers say there certainly were plenty of people who attended the Royal Wedding who would have been more than happy to suggest that she take a hike.

 

Osama bin Laden Dead:  President Obama announced that Navy Seals have killed al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden in a firefight inside Pakistan.  The State Department is cautioning Americans not to let their guard down, adding that while Osama may be out of the picture, Lindsay Lohan is still out there.

 

Neanderthals Were Right-Handed: A new study from the University of Kansas concludes that our neanderthal ancestors were mostly right-handed.  Anthropologists theorize that this may account for why neanderthals survived for so long because for many years they predominately faced left-handed pitchers.

 

LA Has Worst Air in the Country:  While smog and soot levels have dropped over the past decade, the Los Angeles region still has 137 days a year that violate federal standards, making it the dirtiest air in the country.  Interestingly, while Los Angeles wins the title for the dirtiest air, the data clearly shows that most of the country’s dirtiest minds are still found in Newark, New Jersey. 

 

Kate’s Dress Impresses:  Fashion critics are declaring Kate Middleton’s wedding dress ‘a triumph’ for its extraordinary elegance and quiet sex appeal.  With all the serious things that are happening in the world, you’d think people would be able to focus their attention on something a little less superficial, such as the NBA playoffs.

 

Sleep-Deprived Brains:  A team of researchers found that when rats are kept awake past their bed times, their brains begin to turn themselves off neuron by neuron, essentially taking their minds offline.  Very important research.  I’ll make sure to pass along to all the rats I encounter in the neighborhood just how important it is for them to get plenty of rest.  It would be a damn shame if we as a society were to lose the benefit of these great minds. 

 

Lohan to Be Morgue Janitor:  Actress Lindsay Lohan has been ordered to report for 120 hours of janitorial duty at the LA County Morgue.  One can only hope that during Lindsay’s tenure, no one has plans to bury their loved ones wearing their favorite jewelry.   

 

Texting While Driving:  According to a recent survey, Southern Californians are the worst abusers when it comes to texting and driving.  Perhaps more disturbing, researchers found a significant amount of spelling and grammatical errors in many of those texts. 

 

A Leprosy Carrier:  A new study determined that armadillos pass leprosy to humans, with up to 20% of the animals in some southern states infected with the disease.  Researchers point out that an armadillo who does carry the disease faces a distinct possibility of losing its limbs and would therefore need to be more appropriately reclassified simply as a “dillo.”

 

Volcano Dangers:  A new study determined that the disruptive closing of some European airports after Iceland’s massive Eyjafjallajökull volcano erupted last year was the right thing to do and may have saved many lives.  Researchers concluded that while closing those airports during the eruption of Eyjafjallajökull may have been justified, there is absolutely no justification for naming a volcano Eyjafjallajökull.

 

Tornado Hits St Louis Airport:  A tornado has torn through a section of St. Louis’ Lambert Field, lifting the roof off a concourse, injuring several people and forcing the airport’s closure.  Airport officials say the noise was so loud it nearly woke up the air traffic controllers.

 

Oprah May Be a Religion:  A Yale professor of religion says she has studied every Oprah show over the past 12 years as well as pouring over “O” magazine and concludes that “Oprah” may actually be a form of religion.  Perhaps that explains the recent increase in the number of men who now consider themselves to be atheists and agnostics.

 

No Sex in Space:  A Russian space official has categorically denied that any of his country’s astronauts have had sex in outer space and said he doubts that any American astronauts have as well.  Many space officials feel that sex in space should be discouraged because it could easily create a lot of confusion for couples trying to figure out who’s actually on top. 

 

God Particle:  A rumor is floating around the physics community that the world’s largest atom smasher may have detected a long-sought subatomic particle called the “Higgs boson,” also known as the “God particle.”  Who would have ever dreamed that God’s last name was Higgs?

 

Offshore Drilling Advocate: My dentist is a staunch Republican who thinks that the only solution to America’s energy problem is to allow more offshore drilling. He’s certainly entitled to his opinion, but just how am I supposed to feel comfortable with my dentist entering the room shouting “drill baby drill.”

 

Languages Disappearing:  There are almost 7000 languages spoken around the world today, but linguistic researchers believe that half of them will disappear this century.  Scientists say one of the oddest and most elusive languages is “baby talk,” a dialect which appears to nearly vanish as people exit childhood, only to resurface when one attempts to communicate with household pets.

 

Heroic Catch:  A quick-thinking English tourist caught a two year old girl as she was falling from a fourth-floor Orlando hotel balcony.  While praising the woman’s heroic effort in making the catch, police say the video indicates that she had stepped out of bounds just before the child fell into her arms and therefore it must be ruled as incomplete. 

 

Another Air Traffic Controller Suspended:  Yet another air traffic controller has been suspended for watching a movie when he was supposed to be monitoring aircraft, deepening the Federal Aviation Administration’s embarrassment.  And to make matters worse, officials discovered that the controller had set an alarm to wake him up when the movie came on.

 

Genetically Modified Mosquitoes:  Scientists working on malaria have found a way of genetically manipulating large populations of mosquitoes that could eventually dramatically reduce the spread of the deadly disease.  Researchers say this method seems to work significantly better than attempting to teach the mosquitoes to understand commands such as “now no biting.”

 

Woman Shows Off Transplanted Hand:  A 26-year-old mother who lost her right hand in a traffic accident several years ago showed off her new transplanted hand at a press conference.  The women says she agreed to the surgery only after doctors assured her that there was very little mathematical probability that the donor hand would be from Pee Wee Herman. 

 

Aborted Landing:  A plane carrying First Lady Michelle Obama had to abort its landing after it came too close to a military C-17 cargo plane, officials said.  Sensing a critical Republican response, the White House immediately issued a statement declaring that this should in no way to be interpreted as a carte blanche endorsement of abortion on the part of the Administration.

 

Farm Videos Challenged:  Angered by repeated releases of videos that show the mistreatment of farm animals, Iowa’s agricultural industry is pushing for legislation that would make it illegal for animal rights activists to produce and distribute such images.  Activists say that perhaps the most damning images the videos reveal are those of insensitive farmers walking throughout Iowa barnyards hurling insults such as “pig, cow and horse breath” at unsuspecting animals.

 

Smithsonian Buys Meteorite:  Smithsonian’s Museum of Natural History in Washington, which houses the world’s largest collection of meteorites, has just paid $10,000 for a small meteorite that crashed through an office roof in Virginia last year.  Astronomers say that while the Smithsonian’s meteorite collection is quite impressive, it’s really rather second-rate compared to the ones they’ve seen up in space. 

 

Fired by Aflac:  Comedian Gilbert Gottfried has been fired as the quacking voice of the “Aflac duck” after tweeting a string of mocking jokes about the earthquake and tsunami in Japan.  Gottfried reportedly told Aflac that he didn’t mean anything by the tweets and that he was only just ducking around. 

 

Japan Earthquake:  Spoke recently with a friend of mine who’s brother teaches English in Japan.  I would assume that his students have most recently become familiar with the phrase “holly shit!”

 

Corporations Seem to Be Fine:  Cable channel financial anchor Larry Kudlow shocked many viewers by pointing out that “all in all, the market is taking the devastation in Japan in stride and the human toll here looks to be much worse than the economic toll and we can be grateful for that.”  And thank goodness there are still people like Kudrow around who know what’s really important here is the stability of rich people’s investments and not sentimental nonsense like human suffering that most of the world seems to be obsessed about.

 

Biggest Star:  The American Film Institute has voted Humphrey Bogart the greatest male star of all time.  In other voting, Weight Watchers named Orson Wells and Kirstie Alley the biggest stars of all time.

 

Jumps Off Golden Gate Bridge:  Authorities have recommended a psychological evaluation for a high school student who survived a 220-foot leap from the Golden Gate Bridge over what was believed to be a dare.  Experts say the real danger in this is that someone who tries a stunt like this and lives may very well one day pass on their genes to another generation.

 

Saber-Toothed Vegetarian:  Surprised scientists have discovered the remains of a dog-sized saber-toothed vegetarian whose upper canine teeth were nearly 5 inches long, who lived some 260 million years ago in what is now Brazil.  Other paleontologists question the authenticity of the sabered-teeth, pointing out that it was very fashionable to get implants back in those days in an attempt to achieve that desired “dinosaur look” which was so vogue in the Mesozoic Era.   

 

Sperm Grown in a Lab:  Japanese researchers have grown sperm cells from mice in a laboratory, a breakthrough that could lead to fertility treatments for infertile men, down the line.  Scientists say the only drawback would be that any child born as a result of this process would most certainly be afraid of cats due to its origin being “of Mice and Men.” Nuclear Dangers:  Polls are now showing that in the aftermath of the horrible disaster in Japan, many are questioning whether the benefits of nuclear power outweigh the safety concerns.  An industry spokesperson pointed out that while nuclear power can pose risks, it’ll never be as dangerous as being a cast member in the Spider-Man Musical currently on Broadway. 

 

Celebrity Polar Bear Dies:  The Berlin Zoo is facing criticism after the unexpected death of its 4-year-old celebrity polar bear named Knut for raising the bear in a manner that fostered an orientation toward people rather than bears, leading to behavioral problems.  Handlers say the issue became glaringly obvious after he began making weird demands such as lazar hair removal in support of PETA’s campaign against wearing fur.

 

Boarders Closing More Stores:  Borders announced plans to close an additional 28 bookstores, including its Hollywood location, as it tries to reorganize in bankruptcy protection.  Analysts say the closings will have very little financial impact since no one ever really goes into a Boarders to actually buy something, but it will mean there’ll now be 28 less public restrooms for the homeless to use. 

 

Assisted Colonization:  A researcher in the UK is proposing a radical program of “assisted colonization,” which essentially moves an endangered species to a new, safer location in order to save the species from total extinction.  Social scientists say that if the program works for wild animal populations, they’ll consider implementing a similar plan to relocate all remaining liberal Democrats to the San Francisco Bay Area.

 

New Trend:  A new report says that the newest trend in the pet store business is the sale of organic, raw and gluten-free food choices for pets.  Meanwhile, mental health experts are urging those who feel compelled to spend money on these products to consider available psychiatric choices.

 

AT&T Buys T-Mobile:  AT&T, the country’s second-largest wireless carrier in the United States, announced it will buy T-Mobile, the fourth-largest, in a cash-and-stock deal valued at $39 billion.  The new company is expected to be called AT&T&T Mobile.

 

Mint Farming:  To grow all the mint Wrigley needs for its mint-flavored gums requires 53 square miles of farmland, which is the equivalent of about 30,550 football fields!  And that doesn’t even count the mint they’ve made selling all that gum.

 

Help Arrives:  The Daily Beast is reporting that Japan’s infamous mafia groups are helping out in the relief efforts by shipping food, water, diapers, batteries, flashlights and blankets in two-ton trucks to the devastated areas.  In addition to these items, Mafia leaders told local officials that they also always have plenty of body bags on hand should they be needed.

 

Risk Minimal:  Los Angeles County’s top health official said today that the risk of radiation exposure in Los Angeles County from the nuclear crisis in Japan was “minimal” and “very remote.”  The official added that the data concludes that an LA resident is approximately 100 times more likely to be run over by Lindsay Lohan than be harmed by radiation exposure from Japan. 

 

Not Happy with Scientists:  After a committee vote, not a single one of thirty-one Republicans on the House Energy and Commerce Committee were willing to admit that climate change is real or that it even exists.  In response, the White House announced plans to pitch a new plan to the Republicans they’re calling “climate change you can believe in.”

 

Youngest Alcoholic:  A 3-year-old who received hospital treatment has been called Britain’s “youngest alcoholic” by the National Health Service.  The parents insist they aren’t at fault, pointing out that as soon as the toddler started picking up drinking, they imposed a strict “only beer and no hard liquor before noon” rule, but the child simply refused to obey. 

 

Hustler Fined:  California workplace safety officials have fined Larry Flynt’s Hustler Video and another porn producer for not using condoms on set to protect sex actors from exposure to disease.  That’s fine but condoms don’t always work.  I have an actor friend who works in a restaurant and got food poisoning after eating the guacamole dip, but I really doubt that a condom would have helped much. 

 

Mauled by Dogs:  A 55-year-old Albuquerque man has died after being found lying unconscious along the side of a road with a relentless pack of dogs mauling him.  Authorities say we haven’t seen this kind of attack since George Lopez did his monologue on Kirstie Alley’s “Dancing With the Stars” performance.

 

T-Rex Cousin:  A long-lost Chinese cousin of T-Rex has been discovered, comparable in size to the legendary predator and one of the largest meat-eating dinosaurs ever found.  Paleontologists say the only basic difference between the two breasts is that the Chinese T-Rex would typically prefer to have his prey to be eaten take-out.

 

Sing for Restitution:  A Texas prosecutor says Willie Nelson can resolve marijuana possession charges by agreeing to plead guilty, pay a fine and sing his hit song “Blue Eyes Crying in the Rain” for the court.  Perhaps a more appropriate song would be something like ”Bloodshot Eyes Crying in the Rain.”

 

Escaped Cobra:  The Bronx Zoo had to close its reptile house after a poisonous cobra went missing.  The zoo tried to calm fears by pointing out that the snake is not particularly aggressive and is of little danger to humans unless it happens to bite you.

 

Economic Benefits of Beauty:  A University of Texas study that gauged happiness and attractiveness worldwide says there is definitely an economic component to being attractive and that beautiful people routinely cash in on their looks by earning more money and marrying more attractive, higher-earning people than those not considered attractive.  I talked to my accountant about cashing in on my looks and he told me that deficit spending is never a good idea during a recession.

 

Sexual Preference: Researchers report that a male mouse’s desire to mate with either a male or a female is determined by the brain chemical serotonin, demonstrating for the first time that a neurotransmitter governs sexual preference in mammals.  Scientists say that while this study does provide some valuable information, we’re still a long way from understanding why anyone would actually enjoy listening to Liza Minnelli’s music. 

 

Fused to His Chair:  A morbidly obese man in Ohio, who had not gotten up from his recliner chair in over two years, has been found dead, fused to the fabric of his recliner.  Wow!  That must have been a hell of a long movie. 

 

Face Recognition:  Google is working on a smartphone app that would allow users to call up people’s personal information by taking a picture of their face.  I’m thinking perhaps that’s just a wee bit too smart of a phone.

 

Teacher Suspended Over Facebook Post:  An elementary school teacher in Paterson, N.J., has been suspended after she posted on her Facebook page that she felt like a warden overseeing future criminals.  Some argue that the suspension seems somewhat unfair considering that the course she was teaching is entitled “Introduction to Armed Robbery and Extortion.”

 

al-Qaida on a Budget:  Suspected underwear bomber Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab considered bombing Houston and Chicago, but chose Detroit because it had cheaper airline ticket prices.  An airline industry spokesperson said that is precisely why we are continually raising fares and fees as well as cutting back on services without any economic justification whatsoever, its just our special way of protecting the public against terrorist attacks.

 

Chris Brown Apologizes:  Chris Brown says he is disappointed with his actions and formally apologized for breaking a window and busting up his Good Morning America dressing room.  The rapper says he’s apologizing because the last thing he wants to do is leave anyone with the impression that he has a violent temper.

 

New Hypodermic Needle:  Japanese researchers say they’ve developed a motorized hypodermic needle that hurts much less than a conventional syringe, that is patterned after mosquito’s mouth parts.  Scientists say you don’t even have to push the syringe plunger in, just swat at it.

 

Super Glue Inventor Dies:  Harry Coover, the inventor of Super Glue, has died at the age of 94.  You can bet that’ll be one tightly-sealed casket. 

 

Time Machine:  Physicists are proposing using the world’s largest atom smasher as a time machine with the idea of possibly sending a special kind of matter backward in time.  Or they can simply take a drive through the rural South where they’d find themselves instantly transported back to the 1950’s.  

 

Drug-Resistant Bacteria:  A potentially fatal, drug-resistant bacteria that is more commonly found on the East Coast is now appearing in hospitals and nursing homes throughout Los Angeles County, targeting patients who already have underlying health issues.  Doctors caution that unlike many Hollywood celebrities, these bacteria seem to have a strong aversion to drugs that might harm them.

 

Mickey Rooney:  Ninety-year-old former child actor Mickey Rooney has agreed to hand over all his affairs to a conservator.  Now Mickey Rooney’s been married at least eight times, so you can bet that there’s going to be a whole lot of affairs he’ll need to be handing over.

 

Rising Coffee Prices:  Starbucks Chief Executive Howard Schultz has once again laid the blame for surging coffee prices at the feet of speculators, saying his chain had no problem getting beans.  Schultz then tried to reassure investors by pointing out that “of course we don’t necessarily need to have high coffee bean prices to charge an insane amount of money for a simple cup of coffee.”

 

Sex Can Kill:  U.S. researchers say sudden bursts of moderate to intense physical activity such as jogging or having sex significantly increase the risk of having a heart attack, especially in people who do not get regular exercise.  Doctors say that if there is one thing that the public should take away from this study, it would be that individuals living a sedentary lifestyle should never even consider jogging somewhere to have sex.

 

Population Drops:  New census data shows that the population of Detroit has fallen by a shocking 25% in the last decade.  The city council warns that if the trend continues, they may be forced to change the city’s nickname from “Motown” to “Lesstown.”

 

His Own Network:  Sources close to the explosive Fox News host Glenn Beck say he is considering starting his own channel when his contract at Fox expires at the end of the year.  The channel is designed to be a gathering place where paranoid schizophrenics can validate their delusions by exploring the latest in outrageous conspiracy theories and plots unimpeded by the burden of the actual facts, purchase gold to counter imminent collapse of the world’s financial system being orchestrated by George Soros as well as get special deals on “end-times” survival items such as high-powered assault weapons, ammo clips, flashlights, canned goods and bottled water. 

 

T. Rex Predecessor Found:  A dog-sized mini-predator has been discovered that may be the earliest known relative of T. rex and all meat-eating dinosaurs.  Paleontologists say they made this historic discovery totally by chance while viewing old clips from “The Flintstones” cartoons.

 

Not Cooperating:  MSNBC is reporting that Arizona shooting suspect Jared Loughner is not cooperating with authorities.  Police have warned Loughner that if he doesn’t cooperate with authorities, he could very well end up in some serious trouble.

 

Screen Dangers:  A new study suggests that spending lots of free time “glued” to the TV or computer screen can hurt your heart and shorten your life.  Makes a lot of sense. especially if you’re sniffing the glue.  

 

Green Stadium:  The NFL’s Philadelphia Eagles are receiving praise for their eco-friendly stadium.  For example, the team now disposes of the opposing team by recycling them as feed to surviving members of Michael Vicks’ fighting dogs.  

 

Starbucks Updates Its Logo:  Starbucks has dropped its name from its logo, but intends to keep the image of the company’s sea nymph.  If you ask me, it would be much more accurate to rename the entire company, perhaps shortening the “Starbuck’s” to simply “bucks,” symbolizing the amount you have pay for a cup of coffee and then you could follow it all up by replacing the sea nymph logo with a dollar “$” sign.  Done.   

 

Walking Speed:  New research shows one simple indicator of well-being and longevity among older people is their walking speed, with faster walking associated with longer life.  I don’t know about walking faster.  Hell, most of us would be happy if we could just get them to drive a little faster.
Animal Laws Evolving:  With pets today being viewed less as property and more like part of the family, legal experts say that laws regarding animals are changing to include some of the legal benefits that humans possess.  Terrific!  I’m all for it.  In fact, I’m hoping that someone informs my neighbor’s dog that he now has the right to remain silent.

 

Language Gene:  Reseachers at the UCLA School of Medicine have discovered a mutation in a gene in humans, but not found in our closest relatives the chimps, which may explain why humans have developed language and the chimps have not.  Unfortunately, when asked to further explain the finding, the scientists said that they didn’t wanna talk about it.    

 

Thin Thighs:  A Danish study says that thin having thin thighs may raise the risk of premature death and heart disease.  Interesting its a Danish study, because if you eat enough Danish, you’re certainly not gonna have to worry about having thin thighs.

 

Rosie the Riveter:  Geraldine Hoff Doyle, a WW II factory worker whose bandana-wearing image in a wire-service photo is said to have been the model for the woman depicted in the iconic 1942 “We Can Do It” poster as Rosie the Riveter, has died at age 86.  I could be wrong, but I have a feeling that if you referred to a female as “Rosie the Riveter” today, it would have a whole different connotation than it did back in 1942. 

 

Danish Plot:  Police say they’ve arrested five men in a Danish plot against the newspaper that printed the cartoons of the Profit Mohammed in 2005.  The only “Danish plot” I’m familiar with is the one where I feel compelled to buy a Danish with my latte at Starbuck’s every morning. 

 

Gun Deaths:  New data suggests that tighter gun control laws may reduce gun deaths because Hawaii, which has the fewest guns, has the lowest amount of gun deaths while Louisiana, Mississippi and Alabama, where gun ownership is highest, have the most gun deaths.  They do like their guns down there.  Hell, people in Louisiana, Mississippi and Alabama will use a gun to settle what channel to watch on TV.

 

Critic Outed:  A Los Angeles Times food critic’s identity has been outed by a local restauranteur, making it difficult for her to do her job in anonymity.  The restauranteur was quoted as warning her “you’ll never eat in this town again.”     

 

Felony Computer Misuse:  A Michigan man who says he learned of his wife’s infidelity by using her password to read her e-mail has been charged by local authorities with felony charges of computer misuse.  Gee, if they consider that computer misuse, wait till they discover what teenage boys do on computers.  

 

Retro Look:  With store shelves full of the newest gadgets, retail analysts are reporting that there are some consumers who actually prefer the next new thing to look like a throwback to an old thing.  Guess that pretty much explains 84-year-old Hugh Hefner’s engagement to a 24-year-old girlfriend.   

 

Gay Marriage:  Vice President Joe Biden recently surprised some on ABC’s “Good Morning America” by stating that the country is quickly evolving on social issues, adding that he feels gay marriage is all but inevitable.  Perhaps even more startling, the Vice President immediately dropped to one knee and proposed to anchor George Stephanopoulos.

 

Thriving Gift Shop:  The LA Times reports that the Los Angeles County Coroner’s Office has a gift shop that is doing a brisk business selling items such as body bags for $20, yellow crime scene tape is $6 and toe tags are a steal at $5.  Sounds like a really fun place to shop, assuming you’re a necrophiliac.

 

Bones Found:  After spending millions on the search, scientists from the University of Oklahoma are running tests on bone fragments found on a deserted South Pacific island to determine if they could possibly belong to lost aviator icon Amelia Earhart who’s plane disappeared in 1937.  This is in contrast to when I die when about the only things searching for my bone fragments will be stay dogs.

 

Youngest Winner:  A 20-year-old newcomer named Trevor Bayne became the youngest-ever winner of the Daytona 500 in a wild race that saw other records broken as well.  What made Bayne’s victory even more remarkable was that he won despite being pulled over twice for texting while driving.

 

Found Dead:  The LA Coroner’s office is trying to determine the cause of death for a woman who was found dead inside her government office cubicle.  Grieving co-workers say they prefer to think that she’s just on yet another one of her long breaks.

 

Crazed Fan:  Police say that a rabid Alabama fan has been charged with first-degree criminal mischief after admitting using a tree-destroying herbicide to poison two oak trees at a place where Auburn fans have long celebrated their wins, in retaliation for Auburn beating the Crimson Tide back in November.  Campus police say they hate to do so, but in light of what has happened, these trees must now be classified as poison oaks. 

 

Long Journey:  A two-year-old Patterdale Terrier dog named Bear that mysteriously vanished from a Sacramento, California suburb has been located more than 700 miles away in Tacoma, Washington after a scan of its micro-chip revealed the dog’s home address.  The frustrated terrier told reporters “this pretty much sends my dream of living the good life in beautiful Tacoma right down the drain.”

 

Heart Disease:  A leading cardiologist from the Women’s Heart Center at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center, says good health habits can reduce a woman’s chance of heart disease by more than 80 percent.  Conversely, another study found that good health habits can also reduce a woman’s chance of enjoying life by as much as 90 percent. 

 

More New Planets:  NASA scientists say after years of searching, they have now discovered 54 potential life-friendly planets that appear to be in the habitable zone.  Wow, I really admire their dedication.  To be honest, I’d be totally satisfied just to find a parking spot somewhere in Santa Monica.

 

Learn New Language:  Researchers say that learning a new language can do much to hold off the onset of Alzheimer’s disease.  That’s why you rarely see politicians coming down with Alzheimer’s.  As soon as they’re elected, they learn how to speak “double talk.”

 

Skull Cups:  Researchers at London’s Natural History Museum say there’s quite a bit of evidence that ancient Britons ate the dead and turned their skulls into cups for drinking.  Anthropologists say they are now looking into the possibility that these people may be early descendants of Jeffrey Dahmer.

 

English Loch Ness Monster?:  A 24-year-old man took a picture while kayaking on England’s Lake Windermere of a mysterious creature he claims was the size of three cars, had three humps, skin like a seal and a completely abnormal shape.  Upon closer examination, authorities determined that the image in the photograph was not a mythical sea creature, but a recent picture of actress Kirstie Alley.

 

Chemical Cremation:  The California State Assembly has just passed a bill that will allow corpses to be chemically dissolved as an alternative to being burned.  Who the hell authored that law, Tony Soprano?  

 

Held as Sex Slave:  A 27-year-old woman from Wisconsin reportedly moved to Brooklyn to share an apartment that was advertised on Craigslist, and wound up being held captive as a sex slave.  I know exactly what she’s going through.  Can’t tell you how many times that same thing happened to me.

 

Top Dog:  A Scottish Deerhound has won “best in show” at the Westminster Kennel Club, the country’s most prestigious dog show.  And one can only imagine the pride clean-up crews must feel knowing that they’re scraping up some of the country’s most prestigious dog poop. 

 

Recall Announced:  Tens of thousands of Hoover WindTunnel Canister Vacuums are being recalled because of concerns about fire and shock hazards.  In other news, Toyota Motor Corporation announced they highly recommend customers use the Hoover WindTunnel Canister Vacuum to clean the interiors of Toyota cars.

 

Massive Lineman:  With NFL linemen routinely topping well over 300 pounds these days, medical experts are beginning to ponder the health risks associated with carrying that much bulk.  Oh really?  Now if I were one of those medical experts, I think I’d more likely be pondering the health risks of telling a 300 pound linemen that he needs to lose weight.

 

Head Cameras:  The Austin Police Department plans to test “head cameras” which they say will better allow police to gather evidence while holding officers more accountable for their actions.  Should get interesting when those officers wearing the “head cameras” actually need to go to the head. 

 

Hallucinating at the Piano:  Frederic Chopin’s habit of drifting off and hallucinating at the piano may have been caused by epilepsy, according to a new study of the 19th-century romantic composer.  Researchers say either that or he simply got a hold of some bad acid. 

 

he was overheard telling her “that someday, someway, you’re gonna need me again. Its just a matter of time.”    

 

No Vote, No Raise:  McDonald’s employees in the northeastern Ohio area received handbills in their most recent paychecks advising them to vote for three Republican candidates, suggesting if these candidates were not elected, expected pay raises would not be forthcoming.  A lawyer representing one of the employees remarked that what’s so grossly unfair about all this is that many McDonald’s employees were counting on that pay raise to offset the rising costs of acne medication.

 

Its Crying Time Again:  David Arquette admitted he had extramarital sex with multiple women after his separation from Courtney Cox, adding that it made him cry.  Now that’s where he and I are different.  I cry when I don’t get laid.  The way I see it, about the closest I’ll ever come to having multiple partners would be if I open up two websites at the same time using a split screen.  

 

Wayne Newton Proposal Denied:  A neighborhood advisory board is recommending against Wayne Newton’s proposal to build a museum and then bus tourists to his estate southeast of Las Vegas.  I’m facing the same roadblocks.  My idea to turn my apartment into a colon hydrotherapy center is being opposed by most all my neighbors.  

 

Amphetamine Use:  A drug testing company reports that it appears amphetamine use is dramatically on the rise in Hawaii.  State officials promise to do everything possible to curtail amphetamine (ice) use.  Good idea!  One would think it could become a bit difficult to market Hawaii’s “ slow pace of life” persona with practically everyone on speed.

 

Big Jump in Arthritis:  Health experts say that a surprising jump in the number of Americans hobbled by arthritis may be due to obesity.  I honestly have my doubts that the jump is due to obesity, but only because it just seems so difficult to get obese people to jump.

 

Obama and Clooney Discussions:  President Obama and activist-actor George Clooney met at the White House to discuss US involvement in the Sudan ahead of a critical election expected to take place early next year.  Discussions were considered productive, even though their talk was initially delayed because the President’s meeting on US drug policy toward Afghanistan with Paris Hilton and Lindsey Lohan ran a bit over.

 

New CPR Approach:  New guidelines have been issued by the American Heart Association changing CPR techniques instructing rescuers to begin with hard, fast chest pounding before going to mouth to mouth.  Wow!  I’d expect to see that kind of behavior more in the mating rituals of the great apes rather than in a directive put out by the American Heart Association.  

 

June Cleaver Dead:  Barbara Billingsley, who played the “perfect mom” June Cleaver in the quintessential 1950s sitcom mom on “Leave It to Beaver” and who later did a memorable send-up of her white-bread image playing the “jive-talking” passenger in the hit comedy “Airplane!,” has died at age 94.  And I can just hear Eddie Haskell saying, gee, Mrs Cleaver, you look lovely today in that casket.

 

Dying Languages:  Linguists estimate that in modern society, a unique language is estimated to die every two weeks.  Not to mention that a small bit of the English language dies every time an American teenager opens their mouth.

 

Car Wash Organizing:  Union leaders are finding it rather difficult trying to organize workers at car washes across the Los Angeles area.  Gee, could it have anything to do with the fact that at most car washes, if you’ve been on the job for three weeks, that pretty much places you at the top of the seniority list? 

 

Glass in Veggies:  Packages containing frozen vegetables sold nationally by Wal-Mart and at Kroger stores in the Southeast may contain glass fragments, the supplier said in announcing a voluntary recall.  If you’re a kid, is this the best news that you could ever imagine or what?  I can see it all now, moms scolding their kids “now you have to eat all your vegetables Tommy” and kids screaming back “please mom, I’m too young to die!”

 

If I Were A Carpenter:  Former President Jimmy Carter recently strapped on a tool belt and spent a day helping to construct homes in Washington DC for “Habitat for Humanity.”  Local residents said they weren’t quite sure if he was there to build homes or if he was a simply a cast member for a new Village People music video geared towards senior citizen’s exercise classes.  

 

Housekeeper Cells:  Recent research shows that strawberries, blueberries, acai berries as well as other deeply colored berries can help the brain stay healthy by activating the brain’s housekeeper cells, which clean up toxic debris in the brain.  Upon being informed of the study, California gubernatorial candidate Meg Whitman called a press conference to deny that she has “ever knowingly employed illegal housekeeper cells.” 

 

Past Memories:  Scientists in the journal Nature report that stem cells made from mature cells may have very limited potential for therapeutic use because they retain a distinct “memory” of their past.  I grew up in the 60‘s and 70‘s and believe me, if my stem cells still are carrying a “memory” of the things I did back in those days, its a pretty sure bet they’ll be of no use for much of anything. 

 

Stolen Jewelry:  The LAPD is investigating allegations that Lindsay Lohan may have stolen a one-of-a-kind necklace from a Venice jewelry store.  You know your behavior’s a little over the top when you got Charlie Sheen saying “the woman really needs to get a grip on herself.” 

 

Genetic Link:  Researchers in Denmark have completed the DNA sequences of the orangutan with the hope of finding out more information about humanity’s split from them.  Anthropologists say luckily, we were smart enough to have them sign a prenup.  

 

Whale Census:  Scientists will be visiting California’s Monterey Bay to do a census count on the migration of the Eastern North Pacific gray whale.  Angry researchers say they are forced to make the trip because, once again, the whales didn’t bother to return their census forms. 

 

Medical App:  The FDA has approved an app from Apple for viewing images from MRIs, CT, PET scans, and other medical radiology methods.  Better hope the doctor viewing your MRI’s, CT and PET scans on his iPhone or iPod Touch doesn’t have everything set on “shuffle.”

 

Declining Population:  Rocked by natural disasters and a steady exodus of residents, the flood-damaged city of New Orleans lost nearly a third of its population in the past decade, according to the latest Census data.  On a positive note, the city is slated to compete on a special metropolitan edition of NBC’s “The Biggest Loser.”

 

Skinner Wife:     A University of Tennessee research team just released a study that they say shows a couple is more likely to be happy when the wife is thinner than her husband.  No kidding!  That’s because there’s a lot less pressure when the wife inevitably asks if her butt looks too big in those jeans.

 

No Rehab:  Billy Joel dismissed his former touring partner Elton John’s suggestion that he check into rehab for alcoholism by saying “Elton is just being Elton.”  Yea, well “Elton may be just being Elton”, but Billy Joel’s quickly moving from being known as “the piano man” to “he passed out at the piano man.” 

 

Stand By Your Man:  A Houston woman who has survived three attempts on her life is standing by her husband who’s been indicted in the crime, even accompanying him to the police station as he turned himself in, hugging him and holding his hand.  This husband has to be the stupidest guy on earth.  Doesn’t he realize that a woman with her taste in men could easily leave him for someone more famous like the “Hillside Strangler or the Green River Killer?”

 

Oldest Galaxy:  Oldest Galaxy: Observers say that new photos from deep in space make many astronomers believe they may be looking at the oldest galaxy ever seen in the universe, possibly going back some 13.1 billion years ago. The galaxy appears as a small smudge of light in photos. One astronomer commented that there is a distinct possibility that this could be one of the most exciting observations in modern astronomy, or it could simply mean that we neglected to clean the lens on our telescope.

 

Alcoholism Gene:  Scientists say they’ve identified a gene that has a “huge effect” on how people respond to alcohol and that about 10% to 20% of the population carries a version of that gene which makes their brains especially sensitive to alcohol.  Researchers add that nearly all additional research has concluded that the most effective way to accommodate that sensitivity appears to be an ice cold, 24-ounce can of Colt 45 malt liquor purchased at the nearest 7-Eleven.   

 

Women More Charitable: According to a study conducted by the Center on Philanthropy at Indiana University, women at nearly every income level are significantly more charitable than men. I’m living proof of that. I know every woman who’s ever gone out with me would probably admit that she was just being charitable.

 

New MacBook Air:  Apple CEO Steve Jobs said the inspiration for the latest MacBook Air laptop computer came about when they wondered “what would happen if an iPad hooked up MacBook?”  The result is a device so thin that even supermodels are offended. 

 

Kidney Stones:  Researchers say that doctors should now add kidney stones to the long list of health problems linked with hormonal therapy after menopause.  Wow, heart disease, cancer, brain tumors and now kidney stones.  Its almost getting to the point where just about the only disease that hasn’t been linked to hormonal therapy is Sarcoptic Mange in wild boar. 

 

Cars Without Drivers:  Google, Inc has begun road-testing cars that can start, stop and generally operate without a the need of a driver.  I don’t get it.  Does Google think our roads are looking too empty?  Do they think that we don’t already have enough cars and traffic on our roads so the solution is add cars without people to the mix?

 

Facebook Dismantles Man’s Profile:  A Jacksonville, Fla., man who happens to also have the name Justin Bieber says he had his Facebook page deactivated by the company, which reportedly accused him of being a fake.  It just doesn’t seem fair.  Take me for example.  I’m the epitome of a fake and imposter, yet my Facebook page is still up and running simply because I don’t have a famous name.  I ask you, where’s the justice?  

 

Style Inspiration:  Singer Amy Winehouse say she gets her sense of fashion and style from Elizabeth Taylor.  I guess that could be considered true if Elizabeth Taylor were ever to decide to stop bathing and washing her hair.

 

Demand for Corn:  Analysts say food prices may rise due to an increased demand for corn, especially from the ethanol industry.  Funny, because my dear, departed mom always said that too much corn can give you gas, and now I finally realize that she was correct.

 

Banned App:  The Catholic Church has banned a new app that would have let people make confessions over their iPhone, proclaiming that “under no circumstance is it possible to confess by iPhone.”  A Vatican spokesperson pointed out that the Bible is very clear that if any confessions are done electronically, they must be made from an Android Phone as God doesn’t use Apple’s iOS operating system.

 

Life’s Motivation:  Michele Bachman told a newspaper that the moment she wakes up in the morning, her “main motivation in life is to repeal Obamacare.”  That’s yet another area where we differ greatly.  Mine is simply to get to the toilet in time.

 

Pet Danger:  A recent study warns that sleeping next to your pets could be dangerous.  I don’t believe there’s any real danger as long as you have a prenup.

 

Cockfight Death:  A man was killed by a chicken at a cockfight in California after he was stabbed in the leg, severing a major artery by a bird with a blade attached to its beak.  Police say they hope that this incident teaches our citizens to never attempt to “play chicken” with a chicken, because they’re obviously the best there is at it.

 

Checklists Saves Lives:  A new study completed by the VA found that a surgery checklist with basic questions such as which hip is to be repaired reduced surgery deaths by 18%.  Knowing the VA, probably a better question to ask before surgery is “are you really a doctor?”                                

 

Its Time You Apologize:  The wife of Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas called Anita Hill and left a voicemail asking Hill to apologize for accusing the justice of sexually harassing her, nineteen years after Thomas’ confirmation hearing spawned a national debate about harassment in the workplace.  When asked about the call, Virginia Thomas told reporters that she has been married to Clarence Thomas since 1987 and is absolutely convinced that the man doesn’t have a sexual bone in his body.   

 

Files for Bankruptcy:  Crystal Cathedral, the huge California megachurch that hosts the televangelist show “Hour of Power,” has filed for bankruptcy from $43 million in debt including $57,000 owed to a Hemet-based company which provided live animals for the use in Easter and Christmas services.  When questioned about such a wildly extravagant expense for animals, church officials claim that figure is so large in part because they were forced by contact to use only union camels, sheep and goats in church productions.

 

Likes the Old Bulbs:  Ron Paul and members of a limited-government group say they’re drumming up grass-roots efforts this week in an attempt to stop the government’s phaseout of incandescent light bulbs slated to begin next year.  Political analysts say rallying a long-term defense for the old bulbs could be difficult because so many incandescent activists burn out so quickly. 

 

Striking Musicians:  Striking Detroit Symphony Orchestra musicians have rejected the latest contract offer from orchestra management.  The negotiations broke down after the musicians demanded that every time they played a C note, they get paid a C-note.

 

 

 

 

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