News Analysis by Johnny Robish
Arm in Sling Cindy McCain’s arm is in a sling, reportedly from someone shaking her hand too vigorously. That’s why I always give politicians the finger. Just as a precaution.
New Alzheimer's Drug UK scientists have developed a drug which may halt the progression of Alzheimer's disease. Now if they can just remember to take it.
Senior Editors While at the dentist, I saw an AARP publication that had an article which was written by a “senior editor.” I'm thinking aren’t they all “senior editors?”
Cutting Poverty The number of Americans living in poverty has dropped recently and Republicans are attributing that drop to the cuts in Welfare. The Bush Administration is also are hoping that by cutting Medicare, they’ll be able to trigger reductions in the number of the elderly.
Sleeping Babies A Saint Louis University study shows that babies who sleep in adult beds can be up to 40 times more likely to suffocate. To test their hypothesis, researchers placed babies in bed between Kirstie Alley and John Goodman.
Monkeys Go Fishing Scientists say they have discovered a group of macaque monkeys that actually fish. Skeptics wonder if they are really fishing or just monkeying around.
Genetic Map Dutch scientists say they have mapped the full genetic sequence of a woman for the first time. Researchers say they hope to one day discover the source of the female Nordstrom’s store locator gene.
Mars Landing The U.S. space agency's rover Phoenix has landed and is sending images back from Mars. Scientists were shocked to discover that Starbuck’s had already opened a coffee house within walking distance from the landing site.
Lazy Eye Prozac, the popular antidepressant, might also be an effective treatment for adults with a "lazy eye.” Especially if you’re depressed about having lazy eye.
What Mothers Eat A recent study says that a pregnant women’s diet may influence the sex of her child. I don’t know about gender, but you can pretty much guess what your sexual orientation is gonna be if your mom ate kumquats.
Snail Consumption In France, people eat approximately 500,000,000 snails per year. In the event of a shortage, it is feared people may slug it out.
Potholes New York City is expecting 20,000 potholes from blizzards this coming winter. City officials are concerned that there may not be enough streets to accommodate them.
Hip Replacement Rumor has it that aging rock star Prince is scheduled to have a secret hip replacement. Guess he wants it secret because its pretty difficult to look "hip" after you've had a hip replacement.
Benefits of Ginger Ginger has been clinically demonstrated to work twice as well as Dramamine for fighting motion sickness, according to researchers. In fact, the madame who runs the brothel says that more patrons ask for Ginger than any of the other girls.
Odd Couple A newly married English couple discovered that they were brother and sister shortly after tying the knot. When asked about their future plans, the couple said they'll probably relocate to West Virginia.
Crocks Dying As many as 26 endangered crocodiles have been found dead over the last three days in northern India. Guess we don't have to guess what kind of tears were shed for them.
In the News by Johnny Robish
Concerned About Obama Jon Voight accused Barack Obama of "sowing socialist seeds in young people" in an op-ed piece published in the Washington Times. He did lose some credibility, however, after he went on to say that the only person who can save America from sliding into the abyss is Wendell Willkie.
LA Earthquake LA had an earthquake that seismologists originally rated at 5.8, but then decided it was 5.4. I once had a girlfriend who was five four and she could really shake, but I’m not sure if that information will help seismologists.
Swearing in Public According to witnesses, a man standing outside the courthouse in the south Georgia town of Valdosta started "swearing up a storm." Police were called in, but the man was released after city officials decided they needed the rain.
Brett Favre Considers Comeback A three-time MVP, quarterback Brett Favre is rumored to be considering a comeback next year. Upon hearing the news, Frank Gifford says that he too will be coming back. However, it won't be to play football. He's just going to go back to his urologist for another prostate exam.
Wonder Woman Finds Body Lynda Carter, who played Wonder Woman on TV in the 1970's, discovered a body floating on the Potomac River. After examining the body, the coroner declared it to be as dead as Carter's career.
Bill Clinton Denies Allegations A Vanity Fair article claims that recent high-end Hollywood dinner-party gossip has Bill Clinton being seen visiting with actress Gina Gershon in California. The former President vigorously denied the allegations by pointing out that “its simply ridiculous to think I am seeing someone like Gina Gershon. Everyone knows that whenever I’ve had affairs, its always been with ugly scanks like Monica Lewinsky or Paula Jones.”
Iceless Ice The Japanese are debuting the new technology of iceless skating rinks which they say could save a skating rink owner $190,000 a year. When asked who would want to go to a skating rink with fake ice, a spokesperson said a perfect match would perhaps be a gentleman who has a blowup doll instead of a real girlfriend. It would be an ideal skating date for the two of them.
Gov Reports Crack Ho Shortage The US Bureau of Labor Statistics indicated this week that several major metropolitan areas across the country are experiencing a shortage of quality crack ho's. The agency added that "while there are still plenty of crack ho's for all who need them, quality crack ho's are becoming more difficult to find. It important to bring this data to the public's attention before the shortage becomes critical."
Church Pastor Angered by Purple Heart Pastor Jason B Hookem says soldiers wounded in battle should refuse the Purple Heart because he feels the medal's color is simply "too gay." Pastor Hookem added that a medal like the Purple Heart" should more appropriately be given to gay activists wounded at one of their demonstrations in San Francisco.
Cocaine Not That Great A former addict is urging others using cocaine to quit like he did adding that "cocaine" isn't really all its cracked up to be."
Health Officials conclusions on the Death of Anna Nicole Smith Health officials have issued their final ruling on the death of model Anna Nicole Smith. Dr William Proxmyer says that tests have concluded that Ms Smith was "drop dead gorgeous" and that she simply "dropped dead."